New Moon Chapters 17 and 18

Chapter 17- Visitor

Who is this visitor? Omg it's Alice. And she's being a bitch for some reason. Everyone loves Alice but I am partial to Emmett, myself. And Charlie. At least until Eclipse, but we will talk about THAT when we get to it. Alice is all angry because Bella keeps trying to commit suicide, and because of the cliff diving in particular. She saw her jump, but she didn't see Bella come up. Well shit, Alice, you can see the future. You didn't see her DIE so you didn't need to be so worried.

I honestly don't remember what happened in the previous chapters. It sounds like Bella and Jacob had a fight but I don't remember. I shall check. Oh yeah, they did have a fight and Jacob's all, "I hope you don't die, Bella."

"There's nothing wrong with werewolves," I grumbled, stung by her critical tone.
"Until they lose their tempers." She shook her head sharply from side to side. Well what about the fucking vampires, you hypocrite? Remember your boyfriend, Jasper? What happened at the beginning of this book? Ringing a bell?

I could feel the blood draining from my face. My stomach dropped. "Don't go,
Alice," I whispered. My fingers locked around the collar of her white shirt and I
began to hyperventilate. "Please don't leave me." Bella is so fucking pathetic. ARGH.

"You'll come back?" I asked in a small voice. I need to break things.

I wondered what Alice had meant about me smelling bad. Obviously she means that she can smell the werewolf on you, DUH. Seriously, how has she stayed alive this long?

"Bella. What are we going to do with you?" I have an idea. It involves Scully and the defibrillator that she killed Leonard Betts with.

"I'm so sorry about Harry, Dad."
"I'm really going to miss him," Charlie mumbled. I know something you guys don't know that makes this exchange even more hilarious.

"It's me," she confirmed. "I was in the neighborhood." Give or take a few thousand miles.

"I've never felt so helpless," Charlie began slowly. "I didn't know what to do.
That first week—I thought I was going to have to hospitalize her. She wouldn't
eat or drink, she wouldn't move. Dr. Gerandy was throwing around words like
'catatonic,' but I didn't let him up to see her. I was afraid it would scare her."
"She snapped out of it though?"
"I had Renee come to take her to Florida. I just didn't want to be the one… if she
had to go to a hospital or something. I hoped being with her mother would help.
But when we started packing her clothes, she woke up with a vengeance. I've
never seen Bella throw a fit like that. She was never one for the tantrums, but,
boy, did she fly into a fury. She threw her clothes everywhere and screamed that
we couldn't make her leave—and then she finally started crying. I thought that
would be the turning point. I didn't argue when she insisted on staying here… and
she did seem to get better at first…" Whoa, when the fuck did that happen? Did I read that and just completely forget about it? More likely Smeyer just added it in for no apparent reason.

"It was night of the living dead around here. I still hear her screaming in her
sleep…" I love you Charlie, but George A. Romero is too good to be mentioned in this craphole abyss of a book.

"She's one of a kind," Alice agreed in a dry voice. Thank GOD for that. Even one is too much.

Apparently Alice was in an insane asylum. Do I remember reading this?

Alice can't see werewolves' futures. Perhaps that's why she never saw Bella come back up out of the water. ZOMG.

Chapter 18- The Funeral

Jacob's here and Alice goes and hides.

My teeth clenched together again. "Chicken" I mumbled under my breath. Let's have some more of that rapier wit, Bella.

Jacob's being a huge bitch. I can't remember why he's so pissed off but it was probably something stupid.

And Jacob pulls an Edward and magically goes from rage to contrition in like two seconds. Jacob says they can't be friends while Bella is friends with Alice but he'll be her friend again when Alice leaves. This also sounds a little emotionally manipulative. JACOB I LOVED YOU ONCE.

It was a nasty catch-22—
on the one hand, I wanted Alice to stay forever. I was going to die—
metaphorically—when she left me. But how was I supposed to go without seeing
Jake for any length of time? What a mess, I thought again. Bella is so pathetic. I don't even have any words for this book anymore. No words. I'm out.

I stared back at him. He was not my Jacob, but he could be. His face was familiar
and beloved. In so many real ways, I did love him. He was my comfort, my safe
harbor. Right now, I could choose to have him belong to me. Doesn't comfort, safe, warm, familiar, sound better than cold, hard, and bipolar? Methinks it does.

Anyway, they're going to kiss and then the phone rings and for some strange reason Jacob answers it. It was Carlisle and Jacob gets mad. Carlisle wanted to talk to Charlie for some weird reason.

"Who did you just hang up on?" I gasped, infuriated. "In my house, and on my
phone?" It took you A LONG time to react with anger.
"Easy! He hung up on me!" I don't think that's quite the correct response for her question. "Who did you hang up on?" "Easy!" Doesn't make much sense, Smeyer.

Jacob is even more bipolar than Edward, if that's possible. His mood swings happen like every three sentences, I swear to God.

"Shoot, ow!" I protested as he hurriedly jerked his legs free one at a time. Ha ha ha ha she said shoot.

Anyhoo, Alice is freaking out and it has to do with Edward.

I'm going to keep a swoon count. This is like five now.

HA HA HA HA HA. Okay, that wasn't Carlisle on the phone, it was Edward, who thought that Charlie was going to BELLA'S funeral because I guess Rosalie told Edward that Alice saw Bella die.

"Well, it's really rotten timing, but it will all get straightened out." Fifties time warp, ftw.

Remember how Edward was musing about how he would commit suicide if Bella died? He would go to Italy and commit public sparkling so the Volturi would kill him. So I guess that's what he's doing now. That's dedication, if he's willing to travel across the ocean to kill himself. He's kind of an idiot if he goes to Italy to kill himself without even confirming Bella's death when he knows that Alice sees ALL POSSIBLE FUTURES, and her vision is fallible.

And Bella's going to just jet off to Italy without telling anyone. I am so sure she just happens to have a passport handy. And she DOES. That's convenient.

"And you take her to them like a bottle of wine for a party!" he shouted. More like a turkey dinner that smells like freesias. Okay, let's talk about the freesia thing. I THINK he actually says her blood smells like freesias, but I'm not altogether sure. If he does say this, then HOW IS THAT APPETIZING? I like flowers but I don't want to EAT them. I could understand if her blood smelled like chicken or perogies or Kraft Dinner, but freesias are not something a lot of people like to eat.

New Moon Chapters 13-16

I was bored so I did four chapters. Yay me.

Chapter 13- Killer

She’s freaking out as per usual and she’s going to go see Jacob. She storms into his room while he’s sleeping and looky, he has dark circles under his eyes, just like Edward. Is that one of Smeyer’s prerequisites for the perfect man? Because I don’t personally find that attractive. Someone get those two some Preparation H for the bags under their eyes. So she drives to La Push, is a bitch to Billy, storms into Jacob’s room…and then she decides to let him sleep. Okay.

I wondered if he really would. Well, if he didn't, I'd tried, right? If you were really trying, you would have woken him up.

Jacob comes by and he’s happy that she figured it out. You’d think it would have come to her earlier, what with her dreams of Jacob turning into a wolf and then the giant wolves around, but no one ever accused Bella of being smart.

The werewolves are randomly killing people. I don’t know why.

He glared at me, his eyes narrowing and his mouth twisting into a snarl. "You know what makes me so mad I could just spit?" That just makes me laugh for some reason. And the reason he’s so mad that he could spit is because Bella is terrified of him when she’s not scared of Edward. And he’s going all Edward, getting pissed off for no apparent reason. She’s not scared because you’re a monster, Jacob. She’s scared because you’re a psychopath.

Even the voice in my head was making no sense today.
I listened to him, though. I would do anything for that voice. Urgh, of course you would.

Bella says she doesn’t care that he’s a wolf, just that he kills people, and he gets super happy and when he’s happy I like him. And he grabs her and hugs her again. Manhandling #2, but I’m sure it won’t be the last. And Jacob says he’s not a killer, yay. The hikers are being killed by something else, not by the wolves.

"Bella, honey, we only protect people from one thing—our one enemy. It's the reason we exist—because they do." What is he, her dad?

Anyway, vampires are killing people. And Laurent is dead, like the red shirt he was all along. Jacob explains about the werewolves. They only turn, or “fursplode” as Cleolinda would say, when they get angry. Like the Hulk.

"What would happen… if you got too mad?" I whispered.
"I'd turn into a wolf," he whispered back.
"You don't need a full moon."
He rolled his eyes. "Hollywood's version doesn't get much right." Neither does Smeyer’s, incidentally.

It wasn't over.
"Laurent is dead," I gasped, and my entire body went ice cold.
"Bella?" Jacob asked anxiously, touching my ashen cheek.
"If Laurent died… a week ago… then someone else is killing people now." And circle takes the square! Let’s all applaud for our bright little bulb, Bella, here.

And she swoons AGAIN. I should be keeping a count for this book. I think this is like #3. She always swoons and a big strong man has to save her.

"Of course," I whispered. "She wants me." Of course she does.

Bella tells Jacob that Edward left because she wasn’t special enough blah blah and Jacob gets all mad. And then he randomly leaves her alone and she freaks out, as per usual. Also, if Victoria was hunting Bella, wouldn’t she go straight to her house? Or to her school? Or to the meadow? How fucking stupid is she that she doesn’t check any of the places that Bella usually goes?

I didn't care what he could turn into when he got mad. “You won’t like me when I’m angry…HULK SMASH!”

Jacob explains that when they’re in wolf form they are all connected by a telepathic connection. That would be awkward. Bella isn’t freaked out because her precious Edward can read minds. Jacob keeps calling them bloodsuckers and Bella gets mad. I don’t understand this werewolf thing. They turn into wolves when they get mad, but apparently they can also do it on command.

"Close enough. Sam told me I couldn't tell you. He's… the
head of the pack, you know. He's the Alpha. When he tells us to do something, or
not to do something—when he really means it, well, we can't just ignore him." That sounds just peachy. What does Smeyer have against free will?

They’re all going to talk to the werewolves.

Chapter 14- Family

Everyone’s all mad that Bella’s there. Paul fursplodes! There’s a fight. Jacob’s clothes all tear off like The Hulk and I wonder if this is fan service. I know that later Jacob has to walk around in cut off sweats, so yeah. I’m thinking fan service.

Swoon #4.

"Let's go see Emily. You know she'll have food waiting." Because she’s a good little woman.

This Emily person is Sam’s fiancée. And Bella is warned not stare at her. This is because her face is all scarred, like that woman who got attacked by a bear on Wild America. Because Sam beat her up because he got angry. Hmm…what does this sound like? Starts with “a” and ends with “buse”.

Emily is “the wolf girl”. Bella is “the vampire girl”. Good to know they are defined by the men that they are with.

Also, the wolves spontaneously regenerate, like Wolverine. Hey, they don’t sound like werewolves. But of course, this is a Smeyer novel.

Rofl. Jacob tells everyone that Victoria is after Bella and Jared’s all, “Hey, we got bait!” and Jacob throws a can opener at Jared’s head.

"So we'll be changing oar patterns," Sam said, ignoring their squabble. What the fuck does that mean?

I noticed that Emily didn't particularly like that Sam would be in the smaller grouping. Her worry had me glancing up at Jacob, worrying, too. The little women are scared that their big strong men are going off to fight. SOMEBODY PLEASE, GROW A PAIR.

I flinched. I didn't want Jacob or any of the rest of them trying to end Victoria. Well what the fuck do you want? Do you want her dead or not?

And look, more stereotypes! Bella’s all worried about Jacob when she asks if he’ll be careful, everyone laughs at her, unafraid and devil may care. Only Bella and Emily are worried about their men.

He chuckled. "Get some rest, Bella, honey. You look exhausted." Wtf is up with the “honey”?

Sam scarred Emily’s face. Even if he does genuinely love her, how can she be okay with that?

Chapter 15- Pressure

It’s spring break!!

Bella’s at La Push all the time for some reason and she’s brooding because everyone thinks she and Jacob are dating and he holds her hand but she doesn’t stop him because it feels nice. Way to not lead him on. And now Mike is getting all jealous of Jacob. Jacob holds her hand again, she doesn’t say anything. One of the side effects of being a werewolf is that your temperature runs high. If this is some kind of evolutionary adaptation, I don’t know what purpose it would have. People have been surviving the cold in Washington for years. Jacob is also shirtless for no apparent reason other than fan service.

Jacob fursploded when he came back from the movie and he attacked his father.

And who does this fucking sound like: "The hardest part is feeling… out of control," he said slowly. "Feeling like I can't be sure of myself—like maybe you shouldn't be around me, like maybe nobody should. Like I'm a monster who might hurt somebody."

And who can become a werewolf who is big, strong, fast, and smart? Only guys, naturally.

But I wasn't the only one twitching. I could feel Jacob's whole body trembling next to mine. Even the car shook.
"Careful, Jake. Easy. Calm down."
"Yeah," he panted. "Calm." He shook his head back and forth quickly. After a moment, only his hands were shaking.
"You okay?"
"Yeah, almost. Tell me something else. Give me something else to think about." This is an EXACT retread of the time Edward saved her from the rapists and Bella had to chatter away to calm him down.

Emily was a cheerful person who never sat still. I drifted behind
her while she flitted around her little house and yard, scrubbing at the spotless floor, pulling a tiny weed, fixing a broken hinge, tugging a string of wool through an ancient loom, and always cooking, too. Such a stereotypical Stepford wife.

They’re going cliff diving later on.

"Okay—now let's go get you some sleep." I didn't like the way the circles under his eyes were beginning to look permanently etched onto his skin. What’s the matter Bella, I thought you liked your men like that.

Let’s see how many times she uses the word perfect with regards to Edward: 16. Perfect doesn’t even look like a word anymore.

She’s going to cliff diving by herself. That sounds smart. And he’s talking to her and getting angry because she’s being an idiot. HA HA HA the current is taking her away. She’s such a fucking moron. She’s going CLIFF DIVING by HERSELF.

Chapter 16- Paris

And Jacob saves her. When he could have been hunting Victoria, and instead has to take time out to save Bella’s idiotic ass.
I’m going to keep a count of how many times Jacob calls her honey. So far it’s three.

Harry Clearwater had a heart attack and he’s probably going to die.

She dreams about Romeo and Juliet and then ruminates on them but it’s unimportant. Except for the fact that she is comparing herself to Juliet, Edward to Romeo, and Paris to Jacob. Essentially, Smeyer is comparing herself to Shakespeare. I don’t like Shakespeare, but there has to be a reason he’s so famous. It’s because he’s a good writer. You, Smeyer, are no Shakespeare.

Yup, Harry’s dead.

I couldn't imagine my life without Jacob now—I cringed away from the idea of even trying to imagine that. Somehow, he'd become essential to my survival. Of course you can’t ever survive without a man around. How is it possible that a female is so sexist?

I'd have to tell him everything, I knew that. It was the only way to be fair. I'd have to explain it right, so that he'd know I wasn't settling, that he was much too good for me. He already knew I was broken, that part wouldn't surprise him, but
he'd need to know the extent of it. I'd even have to admit that I was crazy—explain about the voices I heard. He'd need to know everything before he made a decision. This all sounds completely healthy.

I would have to commit to this—commit as much of me as there was left, every one of the broken pieces. It was the only way to be fair to him. Would I? Could I?
Would it be so wrong to try to make Jacob happy? Even if the love I felt for him was no more than a weak echo of what I was capable of, even if my heart was far away, wandering and grieving after my fickle Romeo, would it be so very wrong? kl;jasdfjhfsdlkajsdf/. Would it be wrong to make JACOB happy? What about makes YOU happy? Asdkljf;OIYHASDFLHASDKF I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

But could I do it? Could I betray my absent heart to save my pathetic life? The purple prose just KILLS ME.

Also, let’s remember that Jacob is fifteen. Who is two years younger than me…lol, Aaron. And…Lord Mitch. And I can’t really think of anyone else but I know that I wouldn’t want to date someone two years younger.

Fuck a duck, the Cullens are back.

"Bye, Bella," he called back over his shoulder. "I really hope you don't die." That’s awesome. Seriously.

And someone is waiting in her room. Dun dun DUN.

New Moon Chapters 11 and 12

Chapter 11- Cult

Weird Words
Holy crow

Bella is all scared all the time, because of Laurent, I presume. Btw, HOW HILARIOUS WAS HE IN THE MOVIE? Who knew that he was black? And when he's like, "his senses are unparalleled" or something, all I could think about was the Twilight spoof where he's like, "He has unparalleled senses...except for his sense of fashion, it's a bit off."

Jacob still hasn't called Bella, and of course she's all freaked out and almost catatonic again because her other man is not around. She calls him like ten times a day and can't stop thinking about him. This is not healthy.

Yes. YES!

Holy crow, I knew exactly what was going on with Jacob. Man, I missed prose like this. Who knew that the words "holy crow" could instill such glee in me?

Bella thinks that Jacob has been sucked into Sam's cult. Bella calls her dad, who doesn't really care.

I drove to La Push determined to wait. I'd sit out front of his house all night if I
had to. I'd miss school. The boy was going to have to come home sometime, and
when he did, he was going to have to talk to me. Now she's the one being obsessive and creepy.

She finds Quil wandering around by the side of the road. Quil is worried because now Embry and Jacob have gone over to the dark side. Giant wolves, people acting weird...I wonder what is going on.

Jacob cut his hair, thank you Jesus. Every time he came onscreen I could not stop laughing. And Jacob has changed physically: he is bigger and more muscular and apparently he's all scary and broody. Maybe that's why he turns into an asshole. And now all the people in this gang look alike because Smeyer has a problem with individuality.

She keeps using the phrase "scared silly". Fifties time warp, ftw.

The others, Paul, Jared, and Embry, I assumed, followed him in. Who the hell are Paul and Jared? Has she met them before? How does she know their names? And why does Smeyer keep introducing randoms and then never mentioning them again?

So she and Jacob are having this conversation. She wants to know what's going on but he won't say. Jacob is still all angry. Jacob says it's the fault of the vampires that he is like he is now. It's still supposed to be a secret even though Smeyer hasn't done a good job of not making it obvious.

And hurrah, Edward's voice is in her ear again!

"Go home, Bella. I can't hang out with you anymore."
The silly, inconsequential hurt was incredibly potent. The tears welled up again.
"Are you… breaking up with me?" The words were all wrong, but they were the
best way I could think to phrase what I was asking. After all, what Jake and I had
was more than any schoolyard romance. Stronger. Way to make him think you aren't interested.

The blank emptiness of my life before—before Jacob
brought some semblance of reason back into it—reared up and confronted me. Her life didn't have meaning until Edward, and then he left, and her life doesn't have meaning without Jacob. I hate this shit.

Anyhoo, Charlie phones Billy and bitches him out because he doesn't want Bella to go into a depression again. Well if you would just get a therapist you wouldn't be having this problem.

She dreams about Jacob turning into Edward and then she wakes up and hears something scraping along her window. Maybe her stalker is back.

Chapter 12- Intruder

Weird Words:
Dog-tired

Nope, it's just Jacob watching her while she sleeps! Fun times.

Jacob comes to apologize and Bella is pissed off. And for some reason, Jacob's temperature is really hot, just like Edward's is really cold. I wonder if Jacob is some kind of mythical creature also.

And then she swoons like a Victorian duchess.

Jacob can't tell her exactly what is going on but he says she already knows the answer and if she can guess then he can talk about it and he's trying to get her to guess it. He grabs her head and starts talking intensely about when they met for the first time at La Push. Jacob is bound by the sacred laws of secret keeping but he wants to give Bella clues about what is the matter with him, despite the fact that the readers (or me, at least) already guessed this in Twilight.

You need your sleep—I need you firing on all pistons. I don't think that's the phrase. [Edited: At 8:27 this morning, without thinking of it, the phrase came to me. It's "firing on all cylinders." CYLINDERS. DOES NO ONE EDIT HER WORK?]

I took his hand, and suddenly he yanked me—too roughly—right off the bed so
that I thudded against his chest.
"Just in case," he muttered against my hair, crushing me in a bear hug that about
broke my ribs.
"Can't—breathe!" I gasped.
He dropped me at once, keeping one hand at my waist so I didn't fall over. He
pushed me, more gently this time, back down on the bed.
Manhandling #1. I'm going to keep a list.

Unintentional hilarity: It was not the peaceful, creamless sleep I'd yearned for—of course not. I'm fairly certain this is supposed to say "dreamless". I love whoever wrote out this e-book.

She dreams about the beach and Jacob says she has to run away.

Jacob turns into a wolf. I wonder what his secret is. Also, if there were eyewitness accounts of ginormous wolves bigger than bears, wouldn't the place be flooded with scientists and cryptozoologists?

She FINALLY gets it. Yay.

Could a world really exist where ancient legends
went wandering around the borders of tiny, insignificant towns, facing down
mythical monsters? Why is it so hard to believe that werewolves exist, when you had no doubt about Edward's vampirism or his mindreading? She's like Scully. I can't believe I just made that comparison. Scully would kick her ass AND probably the wolves' asses. With William in her arms.

Hey look, my question is answered:

A small, dry voice in the back of my mind asked me what the big deal was.
Hadn't I already accepted the existence of vampires long ago—and without all the
hysterics that time?
Exactly, I wanted to scream back at the voice. Wasn't one myth enough for
anyone, enough for a lifetime?
Besides, there'd never been one moment that I wasn't completely aware that
Edward Cullen was above and beyond the ordinary. It wasn't such a surprise to
find out what he was—because he so obviously was something.

Charlie informs Bella that there was another wolf attack and people are going out to shoot the wolves.

EVERYTHING makes Bella dizzy. The knowledge of werewolves, Edward, fear...she really is like a Victorian duchess with a weak constitution.

New Moon Chapters 9 and 10

Chapter 9- Third Wheel

Weird Words
Schmuck
Joker (as an insult)

I was like a lost moon—my planet destroyed in some cataclysmic, disaster-movie scenario of desolation—that continued, nevertheless, to circle in a tight little orbit around the empty space left behind, ignoring the laws of gravity. Because all women circle around their men and are lost without them.

Bella is panicking because since she's getting better on her bike the voices in her head are stopping. Has anyone thought of the possibility that she's schizophrenic? She desperately needs a therapist.

Jacob got Bella a Valentine's present. I wonder if he likes her or something.
Jacob shook his head with mock sadness. "You can be so out of it sometimes. Yes, it is the fourteenth day of February. So are you going to be my Valentine? Since you didn't get me a fifty-cent box of candy, it's the least you can do." I started to feel uncomfortable. The words were teasing, but only on the surface. "What exactly does that entail?" I hedged. "The usual—slave for life, that kind of thing."

Jacob is way funnier than Edward. I must cherish him in New Moon, before he turns into a semi-rapist asshole in Eclipse. Has Edward said anything funny, ever? I could never be with someone who didn't make me laugh.

Bella was planning to go out with Mike and Jess and all those other inconsequential, two dimensional characters that she doesn't actually care about and Jacob gets sad so she invites him and Quil.
After a second, he perked back up to near his former excitement level. "How about we get Angela and Ben? Or Eric and Katie?" I HATE when she does this. She just mentions new characters and then never bothers to flesh them out.
"Are you sure you don't want to see Tomorrow and Forever instead?" he asked at lunch, naming the current romantic comedy that was ruling the box office. "Rotten Tomatoes gave it a better review."

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! DON'T SULLY ROTTEN TOMATOES FOR ME! NOOOOOOO. I have to go cry now.
"Then again," Jacob said thoughtfully, "sometimes persistence pays off." This has ominous significance in light of what is to come.

So anyway, only Mike, Jacob, Bella, Angela, and Ben could go on this outing but now Angela and Ben can't. Awkward. The two of them are getting all competitive and jealous.

Bella doesn`t like music apparently. Does Edward know this? He's gonna be PISSED.

The movie was exactly what it professed to be. In just the opening credits, four
people got blown up and one got beheaded. The girl in front of me put her hands
over her eyes and turned her face into her date's chest. Of course the delicate little women can't handle a gory movie. WTF?

He chuckled again, as a flagpole speared another man into a concrete wall. The way she wrote this, it sounds like the flagpole was sentient. It's like Maximum Overdrive, but with flagpoles. Anyway, both of the guys have their arms on the armrest with the palm up, as if waiting for Bella to take their hand. Yes, she's so plain. That's why every guy she comes into contact with falls in love with her. Mike is so freaked out by the blood that he goes and pukes. Bella and Jacob sit on a bench and he puts his arm around her but doesn't care when she rejects him.

Bella tells Jacob that she likes him the best out of all her friends.

He grinned down at me. "That's okay, you know. As long as you like me the best.
And you think I'm good-looking—sort of. I'm prepared to be annoyingly
persistent."

He's kind of weirdly charming. So it's just a matter of time before he changes into a crazy stalker. Smeyer is incapable of creating sympathetic characters.

And they have a weird conversation with Jacob saying basically he has lots of time and he won't stop pursuing Bella, even though she makes it clear that she only likes him as a friend.

Turns out Mike had the stomach flu. Good thing Bella didn't hold his hand. They got home and Jacob says that he feels weird.

"It's just that, I know how you're unhappy a lot. And, maybe it doesn't help
anything, but I wanted you to know that I'm always here. I won't ever let you
down—I promise that you can always count on me. Wow, that does sound corny.
But you know that, right? That I would never, ever hurt you?" This breaks my heart, because she will never like him, and also he turns into a douchebag. I want to stop loving him BUT I CAN'T.

"Call me!" I yelled as he pulled away. This is just weird and out of nowhere.

How much I wished that Jacob Black had been born my brother, my flesh-and -
blood brother, so that I would have some legitimate claim on him that still left me
free of any blame now. That's...weird. Also, it reminds me of how Tara was like in My Immortal, "No, Gerard and I aren't related but I wish we were because he is so sexy."

Bella is covered in issues.

Now Bella has the flu and apparently Jacob has it as well. But he doesn't think it's the stomach flu. Dun dun DUN. I already know what it is.

Chapter 10- The Meadow

Weird Words
Perforated (as an adjective, describing herself)

Apparently Jacob has mono.

All I knew about mono was that you were supposed to get it from kissing, which
was clearly not the case with Jake. Duh, it's airborne, bitch. You don't know anything.

She can't visit her OTHER man so now all the pain comes back because she can't function on her own. And it's not mono, it's a different virus.

"He's giving some friends a ride up to Port Angeles—I think they were going to
catch a double feature or something. He's gone for the whole day." Fifties time warp, FTW!

She's all freaked out because she thinks Jacob decided to give up on her.

I smiled and nodded as if I cared what my other friends thought. She's such a bitch. Why does she have so many friends?

She's going to find the meadow again by herself but she doesn't hear Edward's voice.

And she finds Laurent, part of James' coven and she's happy to see him despite the fact that he wants to eat her. She's all happy because the meadow is a magical place again because a vampire is in it.

Apparently, all "good" vampires have gold eyes, and all the bad ones have normal eyes. At their time of changing, how do they know the vampires will be good? The Cullens have golden eyes but there's no way of knowing whether they'll be good or not, so how do they automatically get golden eyes?

I have no idea why Bella is having a conversation with Laurent. It's just really really random. Also, Laurent is going to kill Bella. Why is she still there? Victoria wants to kill Bella because Edward killed James.

"He'll know it was you," I whispered obediently. "You won't get away with this." You know what? What this story needs is MORE tropes.

And look, the giant bear comes to save the day! But it's not really a bear, it's something else. Do I really have to say it? Okay, it's a wolf. That is apparently bigger than a bear. And they chased Laurent away. I WONDER WHAT THESE MYSTERIOUS WOLVES ARE.

New Moon Chapters 7 and 8

Chapter 7- Repetition

This chapter of the pdf appears to have no periods. This is going to be annoying.

Bella's going to Edward's house so that she can hear his voice again. It takes like five pages to say she drives to his house and doesn't hear his voice. Then she goes to Jacob's house. Jacob is sad because the bikes are done and he can't hang out with Bella anymore, but God knows why he wants to be with her. Anyway, she says she'll keep coming over so they can hang out.

I made a gesture indicating the two of us as a single entity. I wish she would be more specific. What hand gesture would that be?

She gets an email from Renee, blah blah. I hate how she refers to her parents by their first names. It was okay when Eustace Scrubb did it because that's the way his family was. They were purposefully weird. When Bella does it it's just annoying.

Mike asks Bella out.

Jacob finished the bikes and Bella is going to go over to ride them. They're driving out to a remote spot to try them out and they find some people cliff diving. Exposition about the La Push gang who are more like a group of guys who keep the peace. Jacob doesn't like them because they're annoying and superior. And Sam keeps looking at Jacob as if he's waiting for something. He's planning out when he's going to rape him, duh.

"You've been hanging out with me a lot," I reminded him, feeling selfish. I'd been monopolizing him. I hate how she blames herself for everything, even when it's not her fault.

Jacob is sure something is wrong because Embry is acting weird and someone else acted weird and suddenly they're hanging out with Sam a lot out of nowhere. Anyway, Jacob almost cries like a little bitch and Bella hugs him out of nowhere and he touches her hair and Bella has to nip THAT in the bud right away.

Chapter 8- Adrenaline

Jacob is teaching Bella how to ride a motorcycle. Hell, you don't need a license!

And just as she starts moving...she hears Edward!

"This is reckless and childish and idiotic, Bella," the velvet voice fumed. Gah, STOP TELLING HER WHAT TO DO. She's eighteen and she can ride a motorcycle. They aren't dangerous. I ride them all the time. But I like how when Smeyer has Bella start to do reckless, suicidal things, "motorcycle" is the first thing that comes into her mind.

"Do you want to kill yourself, then? Is that what this is about?" the other voice
spoke again, his tone severe.
I smiled tightly—it was still working—and ignored the questions. Jacob wasn't
going to let anything serious happen to me.
"Go home to Charlie," the voice ordered. The sheer beauty of it amazed me. I
couldn't allow my memory to lose it, no matter the price.

This just RANKLES me. He tries to control her all the time. I get the admonishments for when she eventually goes cliff diving (come on, it was HEAVILY foreshadowed) but motorcycles? Motorcycles are nothing.

Anyway, stupid Edward's voice distracts her and she falls to the ground with the motorcycle on top of her. I wish I could think of a nickname for Edward, but I already used Pedobear. Jeffery Dahmer, maybe? Too long though. Oh well, Edward it is.

This had to be it, the recipe for a hallucination—adrenaline plus clanger plus stupidity. What the hell does "clanger" mean? Also, "My boyfriend left, let me do suicidal things to hear his voice chastise me again! This is completely healthy!"

"I'm great!" I enthused. I'm fairly certain that you can't use "enthused" in that way. Does anyone edit her work, seriously? Because I've found a ton of spelling and grammatical mistakes.

She has a gash on her forehead and she doesn't want Charlie to know that she's grievously hurt. Why? Who knows? I don't.

"But do I look like I tripped in your garage and hit my head on a hammer?" Tripped and hit her head on a hammer? If the hammer was lying on the floor, that wouldn't work. If it was randomly sticking out of the wall, MAYBE this excuse would make sense, but a hammer sticking out of the wall doesn't make sense. I thought you made excuses for your injuries ALL THE TIME. You'd THINK you'd be good at it by now.

His skin was such a pretty color, it made me jealous.
Jacob noticed my scrutiny.
"What?" he asked, suddenly self-conscious.
"Nothing. I just hadn't realized before. Did you know, you're sort of beautiful?"

This whole scene is just inane and it makes me nauseous. Why do all the guys have to be beautiful? And why would anyone want a man that you could describe as beautiful? They'd either be Bakura or RuPaul or something, and neither of those people are attractive to me.

I'd had the most amazing hallucination today. My velvet-voiced delusion
had yelled at me for almost five minutes before I'd hit the brake too abruptly and
launched myself into the tree. Why would you want to have a five minute hallucination of your
boyfriend yelling at you? WHY?

"Oh, the big bear," I said with sudden comprehension. "Yeah, some of the hikers
coming through Newton's have seen it. Do you think there's really some giant
mutated grizzly out there?" Okay, so we know this bear is a werewolf. Would it really be bigger than a grizzly bear?

So Charlie's getting suspicious and Jacob and Bella decide to just forgo the bikes for a while, but Bella needs some other way to put herself in danger to get hallucinations of a marble statue nagging her. She's planning on going back to that fateful meadow to do something dangerous, but as of yet we don't know what that is.

I don't know if this is Smeyer or the e-book, but "dangerous" is misspelled as "cangerous".

I don't know what Bella was planning on doing but it took like ten pages to say they were walking through the forest. Nothing happened.

New Moon Chapters 3-6

Chapter 3- The End
I HADN'T slept well; my arm burned and my head ached. No fucking kidding. You've been sleeping on a rock.

Surprise surprise, Edward is all sullen for no apparent reason, which is kind of his default setting. Question: every day they go to the cafeteria, get food, and then don't eat it. Doesn't anybody worry that they're all suffering from anorexia? And also, that is a massive waste of food. The accumulation of all the food they've thrown away could probably feed a small third world nation for a few years. Why don't they just pretend they go home for lunch? I see some logical errors here.
"And Alice, too," I said with quiet desperation. Of course, if Jasper needed her, she would go. Of course she would go if her man needed her! Who cares what SHE wants. Also, they're going to Denali which is where Edward disappeared to when Bella came to Forks.
Laurent, the most civilized member of James's little coven, had gone there rather than siding with James against the Cullens. It is interesting to me that she chooses the word "civilized." It's been established that the Cullens are beautiful while the mean vampires are ugly, even for humans. Civilized is the word most often used to describe Europeans when early Europeans and Native Americans are being compared. It sounds more racist than anything else.
The guilt made my head bow and my shoulders slump. I'd run them out of their home, just like Rosalie and Emmett. I was a plague. Get over your fucking self.

I think it's weird that Bella sleeps and Edward just sits there. I guess it's better than him watching her through her window for weeks on end, but it would kind of creep me out to sleep cuddled up with someone who was awake.
"So you'll come over when I'm home, though, right?" I hated that I felt suddenly unsure about this. PRONOUN/ANTECEDENT MISUSE, BITCH. "If you want me to." PREPOSITION MISUSE. "I always want you," I reminded him, with perhaps a little more intensity than the conversation required. I expected he would laugh, or smile, or react somehow to my words. "All right, then," he said indifferently. This is so abusive! It's withholding intimacy AND it's utilizing emotional control.
I was able to drive out of the parking lot before the panic really hit, but I was hyperventilating by the time I got to Newton's. She's hyperventilating, but I'm still not sure why. Because Edward is being distant and indifferent? Isn't that how he always is?

Edward's at her house watching TV with Charlie. Bella freaks out for no apparent reason.
I toyed with the wrist strap on the camera, wondering about the first picture on the roll. Are you fucking kidding me? She has an actual film camera? What is she, Amish?
Regardless, I snapped a picture of my room. There wasn't much else I could do tonight—it was too dark outside—and the feeling was growing stronger, it was almost a compulsion now. That's what the flash is for. You really are an idiot.

Probably he was worried that I would be upset when he asked me to leave. I would let him work through it without meddling. And I would be prepared when he asked. She's ready to move away if Edward tells her to. WTF?

Still don't know why she's so scared and freaking out.
"Will you stay?" I asked, no hope in my voice. I expected his answer, so it didn't hurt as much. "Not tonight." I didn't ask for a reason. Withholding intimacy is a sign of abuse.
I watched them hand the camera around the table, giggling and flirting and complaining about being on film. It seemed strangely childish. Maybe I just wasn't in the mood for normal human behavior today. Because you're so much better than everyone else. Why does everyone like Bella? She's kind of a bitch.
The contrast between the two of us was painful. He looked like a god. I looked very average, even for a human, almost shamefully plain. I flipped the picture over with a feeling of disgust. I don't even have any words. I'm out. OUT. I want to break something. Also, if you're plain, HOW COME FIVE GUYS WERE TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH YOU IN THE LAST BOOK?

Edward is informing Bella that he is leaving her and what follows is a predictable conversation that goes something like, "I'm no good for you. Leave me!" "But I love you, Edward! You are my whole life." "Stay away...I MUST KISS YOU."

"You… don't… want me?" I tried out the words, confused by the way they
sounded, placed in that order.
"No." Ouch. Also...a little emotionally abusive? Considering you guys have been dating for like a year.

He stared back without apology. His
eyes were like topaz—hard and clear and very deep. Yes, his fucking eyes are topaz. WE GET IT.

"You're not good for me, Bella." He turned his earlier words around, and so I had
no argument. How well I knew that I wasn't good enough for him. GRR JOSS WHEDON BRING SOME REAL VAMPIRE TO KILL THEM BOTH.

"No. They're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye."
"Alice is gone?" My voice was blank with disbelief.
"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be
better for you." What about what BELLA wants? She'd want to say goodbye to her best friend. Edward's an abusive asshole.

Love, life, meaning… over. Grow a pair. It's been awhile since I read any of the Twilight series (NOT A FUCKING SAGA) that I forgot how annoying Bella was. I thought Wanderer was bad, but Bella really makes me want to break something.

So Edward leaves and she's curled up in the fetal position, crying.

Tonight the sky was utterly black. Perhaps there was no moon tonight
—a lunar eclipse, a new moon. I SEE WHAT YOU DID THAR.

Someone's calling her, and it's Sam. I know who he is since I have read recaps, but you don't. So I won't spoil it. Oh and lookey, like half the population of Forks came to look for her. She's so ugly and unworthy, and yet strangers care enough about her to look for her on a rainy night. And the fucking doctor made a house call. I've been going to Dr. Bia for YEARS and his wife is the church organist and we're friends with her and he still wouldn't come to my house just to make sure if I was okay after wandering in the woods.

There are a bunch of Natives from the reservation at her house, as well as Mike and his dad and Angela's dad. BOO HOO I'M BELLA, NO ONE LOVES ME.

There are some kind of fires out at the reservation.

I deflected his question. "How did you know where to find me?" My mind shied
away from the inevitable awareness that was coming, coming quickly now.
"Your note," Charlie answered. surprised. He reached into the back pocket of his
jeans and pulled out a much-abused piece of paper. It was dirty and damp, with
multiple creases from being opened and refolded many times. He unfolded it
again, and held it up as evidence. The messy handwriting was remarkably close
to my own.
Going for a walk with Edward, up the path, it said. Back soon, B. You're shitting me. He forged a note in her handwriting. Is that not...questionable? Also, he took all the stuff that reminded her of him. Breaking into her room, forging notes, stealing her stuff...does this sound like the act of someone who loves you, or an obsessive, abusive boyfriend? Yeah.

Chapter 4- Woken Up

And so we start the empty chapters (and for some reason, I wrote "statues"). Smeyer actually fucking has blank chapters, just to hammer home that Bella is nothing without her boyfriend. She has no interests, no ambitions, no life outside Edward. For four months, she exists in a zombie like state and weirdly, Charlie doesn't decide to get her to a therapist. A therapist would do wonders for her.

Now in the fifth month, Charlie says he's sending Bella to live with her mother in Florida. Also, if the Cullens knew they were leaving soon, why would they give her two tickets to Jacksonville? Hey, now Charlie is talking about sending her to a therapist and Bella gets all pissed off.

I didn't know much about psychoanalysis, but I was pretty sure that it didn't work
unless the subject was relatively honest. Also, psychoanalysis isn't what you would be undergoing. Psychonalysis, invented by Freud, is largely defunct and isn't used by the psychological community anymore. DUH.

"I'm not leaving," I said.
"Why not?" he demanded.
"I'm in my last semester of school—it would screw everything up."
"You're a good student—you'll figure it out."
"I don't want to crowd Mom and Phil."
"Your mother's been dying to have you back."
"Florida is too hot."

Aren't you from Phoenix? Weren't you complaining that you miss the heat? Weren't you complaining about the rain?

We were working on Animal Farm, an easy subject matter. Aren't you a fucking smartie? Brag a little more, why don't you? We need more evidence that you a brilliant, beautiful snowflake.

"Are you working tomorrow?"
I looked up. He was leaning across the aisle with an anxious expression. Every
Friday he asked me the same question. Never mind that I hadn't taken so much as
a sick day. Well, with one exception, months ago. But he had no reason to look at
me with such concern. I was a model employee.
"Tomorrow is Saturday, isn't it?" I said. Having just had it pointed out to me by
Charlie, I realized how lifeless my voice really sounded.
"Yeah, it is," he agreed. "See you in Spanish."

What was the fucking point of that conversation? To establish that it was Saturday tomorrow? Okay...?

My eyes did not stray toward the black garbage bag that held my present from
that last birthday, did not see the shape of the stereo where it strained against the
black plastic; I didn't think of the bloody mess my nails had been when I'd
finished clawing it out of the dashboard. I don't even know.

Her eyes squinted. "Since when do you listen to rap?"
"I don't know," I said. "A while."
"You like this?" she asked doubtfully.
"Sure."
It would be much too hard to interact with Jessica normally if I had to work to
tune out the music, too. I nodded my head, hoping I was in time with the beat.

I can just imagine her going all wigger to try to forget the pain of Edward. The visual is hilarious.

So Jessica and Bella are on their way to see a movie and there are a pair of lovers on the beach and she's freaking it because it reminds her of Edward. And she realizes that she has been a zombie for the past four months.

Not that I hadn't dreamed of becoming a mythical monster once—just never a
grotesque, animated corpse. Isn't that what vampire are...?

"That's funny." She frowned. "I didn't think you were scared—I was screaming
all the time, but I didn't hear you scream once. So I didn't know why you left." Maybe you didn't hear her because you were screaming. Also, the conversations between Bella and Jess are all so unrealistic. They sound like robots trying to imitate human speech, like Cameron from Terminator: The Sarah Conner Chronicles. Now they're walking to get food in the dark and they pass a bar called, I shit you not, One Eyed Pete's. WTF? And remember when Bella almost got raped in Twilight? THE SAME GUYS ARE OUT AND ABOUT AGAIN.

I was halfway across the street when Jess caught up to me and grabbed my arm.
"Bella! You can't go in a bar!" she hissed. Oh don't get your panties in a twist, goody goody.

And and LOOK AT THIS. She's all frightened and she here's Edward's voice in her head, being an authoritative prick, as per usual.

I could see no option three, so I hoped it was the second option and this was just
my subconscious running amuck, rather than something I would need to be
hospitalized for. It's AMOK. For fuck sakes, who edits your work?

Anyway, she hears his voice and she goes farther into the intensely dangerous situation of a dubiously named bar and she hears his voice again. Hmmm, I wonder if she's going to go all adrenaline addict and try to hear his voice again?

"What were you thinking?" Jessica snapped. "You don't know them—they could
have been psychopaths!" Because all men who hang out in bars are psychopaths. And the men asked Jessica and Bella to stay and have a drink. Normal teenagers would be excited but Jessica's freaked out and Bella just wants Edward.

Chapter 5- Cheater

Leather-face laughed and rolled his eyes. "Let me guess—you were on your way
in? Hadn't eaten real food or slept off the ground in a week, right?" Leatherface is in this book?

Bella is having nightmares about a leafy maze (like...at Hampton Court?) and she's just searching and then she screams. TERRIFYING. You do not know terror until you dream about Digout dressed as the Pope and shooting zombies.

And she's crying again.

I was standing in front of the Cheneys' house—
my truck was blocking their driveway—and across the road lived the Markses. Here's some advice: If you want to be suicidal and enter into danger to hear Edward's voice again, go hunting with Dick Cheney. Hilarity will ensue.

Anyway, she sees an ad for motorcycles.

Who would want to ride a motorcycle here? It would be like taking a sixty-mile-per-hour bath. What does that mean? Also, Charlie made her promise never to accept a ride on a motorcycle. Motorcycles are FUN. I want to go back to Carlyle so I can ride Uncle Gary's motorcycle again.

"If you really want one, just take it. My mom made my dad move them down to
the road so they'd get picked up with the garbage." If you're just throwing them away, why advertise that they're for sale?

Bella's going to Jacob's to get him to fix these two bikes she just got. Now we get an overly elaborate description of Jacob. He's tall and muscular and hot. Like every other love interest in this book. Jacob's so nice in New Moon, but I know he turns into a douche in Eclipse. Well, that's what Smeyer DOES. She takes any sympathetic and likable character and turns them into an asshole. Like Ian from The Host. I liked him pretty much up until he pulled a King Kong and picked up Wanderer and ran.

After all, if Jacob could fix the bike, someone had to teach me how to ride it. No need for a license.

"I've got some money saved. College fund, you know." College, schmollege, I
thought to myself. Of course she doesn't need an education. Edward can just support her for the rest of her life.

Chapter 6- Friends

Jacob's talking about his friends, Quil and Embry. There's more squickness coming up about Quil, but I won't ruin anything. And they magically appear.

Both boys went to examine Jacob's project,
drilling him with educated questions. Many of the words they used were
unfamiliar to me, and I figured I'd have to have a Y chromosome to really
understand the excitement. Yes, you sure do need to be a man to understand mechanics.

Jacob was simply a perpetually happy person, and he
carried that happiness with him like an aura, sharing it with whoever was near
him. Like an earthbound sun, whenever someone was within his gravitational
pull, Jacob warmed them. It was natural, a part of who he was. No wonder I was
so eager to see him. Doesn't that sound a LOT more appealing than Edward?

"I'm doing all the talking," he complained after a long story about Quil and the
trouble he'd stirred up by asking out a senior's steady girlfriend. YES! The return of the fifties time warp! Does anyone even SAY "steady girlfriend" anymore?

"Shoot," I muttered. That will never stop cracking me up. Also, Jacob and Bella emerge from the woods, holding hands and laughing. It looks like they went off for a quickie.

Charlie showed up at Jacob's for dinner and there are more people there: Harry and Sue, their daughter Leah, who is nineteen but still in high school for some reason, and Seth who is fourteen.

I was nervous when we got to the house. I didn't want to go upstairs. The warmth
of Jacob's presence was fading and, in its absence, the anxiety grew stronger. Of course she needs a man around all the time, or she falls apart.

She [Renee] wrote that Phil was enjoying his new coaching job, and
that they were planning a second honeymoon trip to Disney World. Didn't they just get married like a year ago? Where is all this money coming from?

Bella has the dream again, but Sam is there.

Ooh, Angela and Ben went up to the hot springs (SEXY) and they saw something. Ominous. Apparently it was a bear, but bigger. The end.

New Moon Chapters 1 and 2

I can't do it. I can't stop making fun of Smeyer. I HAVE TO SNARK. So I'm recapping New Moon.

Okay, you probably all know the plot of Twilight, but here it is anyway. Bella moves to Forks, Washington, everyone randomly loves her despite the fact she says she's unattractive and she's really whiny and annoying. She meets a family of vampires and falls in love with Edward because he's hot. He falls in love with her because her blood smells good and he also wants to kill her at the same time. He stalks her but it's supposed to be romantic. Some vampire named James wants to kill her in the last hundred pages, he is defeated. He also has a mate named Victoria, who I think figures prominently in this book. Characters:

Bella- Main character. Annoying. Hates everything.
Edward- Loves/wants to kill Bella. He is beautiful, godlike, and feels like a marble statue.
Carlisle and Esme- Edward's "parents".
Rosalie, Emmett, Jasper, Alice- Edward's "siblings".
Jacob- Bella's friend. It's heavily foreshadowed that he's a werewolf but we're not supposed to know this yet, apparently.
Charlie and Renee- Bella's parents.

The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Oh, you mean Edward ISN'T actually Ted Bundy? Gotcha.

Preface

She's running or something. That's it.

Chapter 1- Party

Weird words:
Basilisk

Bella is dreaming about her grandmother.

She paused, too, and then we Goth smiled at the little awkwardness. What the fuck is a Goth smile?

And now Edward's there. If this turns into an awkward threesome, I don't know if that would be hilarious or disturbing. Probably both.

How was I supposed to explain the fact that the brilliant sunbeams
were shattering off his skin into a thousand rainbow shards like he was made of
crystal or diamond? This will NEVER stop cracking me up. He fucking sparkles. Also, a good point was brought up on a forum: He sparkles because his cells are hard like diamond. Then riddle me this: how can he even move?

Yet here he was, strolling gracefully toward me—with the most
beautiful smile on his angel's face—as if I were the only one here. I got through The Host without puking, but I'm not sure if I can say the same for this book.

It weirds me out how Bella wishes that Edward could read her mind. I would never want ANYONE to read my mind. Ever.

ZOMG, it's her in the mirror. She is the old person. And Bella is freaking out because she's eighteen and Edward never will be. I wish I hadn't read any of this book so you can get my real reactions, but I have read parts. I'm sorry. I also think that Bella has a birthday near mine, but I can't really remember. This fact makes me sad.

Boo hoo, Bella. Your dad bought you presents. YOUR LIFE IS SO HARD.

I pulled into the familiar parking lot behind Forks High
School and spotted Edward leaning motionlessly against his polished silver
Volvo, like a marble tribute to some forgotten pagan god of beauty. I forgot about how bad her purple prose was. This is horrendous. Also...why does he drive a Volvo? Aren't they rich?

How does having bags under your eyes make you hot? I don't understand.

I'd told Alice I didn't want anything, anything, not gifts or even attention, for my birthday. Go whine a little more, Bella. "I'm Bella, people actually care about me. My life is so HARD."

She finally seemed to process my mood. "Okay… later, then. Did you like the
scrapbook your mom sent you? And the camera from Charlie?" I thought Alice saw all possible futures. So she wouldn't exactly know that they got her. "Ohh, I hate continuity!"

Being a vampire didn't look like such a terrible thing—not the way the Cullens did it, anyway. Are you SERIOUS? They go to high school OVER AND OVER. That is plenty terrible for me.

Attention is never a good thing, as any other accident-prone klutz would agree. Redundancy is not good. Also, being clumsy does not count as a legitimate character trait.

It [money] was just something that accumulated when you had unlimited time on your hands and a sister who had an uncanny ability to predict trends in the stock market. Again, all possible futures...she wouldn't know for sure what would be good in the stock market. Andromeda did the "all possible futures" thing way way better.

My other friends, Mike and Jessica (who were in the awkward postbreakup
friendship phase), Angela and Ben (whose relationship had survived the
summer), Eric, Conner, Tyler, and Lauren (though that last one didn't really count
in the friend category) all sat at the same table, on the other side of an invisible
line. Smeyer has a huge problem with adding random characters and then never fleshing them out. Who the hell are Conner and Ben, I ask you? She did this on The Host and it was so annoying.

I frowned. I didn't like it when he picked on my truck. The truck was great—it
had personality. At least SOMEONE in this book does.

My head was already spinning by the time he leaned closer and pressed his icy
lips against mine. How is that attractive, seriously. It would be like pressing your lips to a popsicle, and that is not nice.

"What's wrong with Romeo?" I asked, a little offended. Romeo was one of my
favorite fictional characters. Until I'd met Edward, I'd sort of had a thing for him. You would. Romeo is impetuous and dumb. He's a bit of an idiot.

The movie eventually captured my interest, thanks in large part to Edward
whispering Romeo's lines in my ear—his irresistible, velvet voice made the
actor's voice sound weak and coarse by comparison. I HATE when people speak the lines at the same time the actors do. Like, "Dude, I'M TRYING TO WATCH THE MOVIE." Like when Madison and her friend kept saying the lines to High School Musical (I had to watch it for research purposes) and when Amanda kept saying the lines to The Breakfast Club before they said them. It's super annoying.

"I don't envy him the girl—just the ease of the suicide," he clarified in a teasing tone. How was Harry Potter denounced by religious people and this isn't? Suicide is a mortal sin, according to the Catholic Church.

And Edward contemplated suicide when Bella disappeared in Twilight. Yeah, that's healthy. Let's just all commit suicide when we can't be with our lovers anymore.

Unthinkingly, my fingers traced the crescent-shaped scar on my hand that was always just a few degrees cooler than the rest of my skin. Maybe he's possessed.

"Well, I wasn't going to live without you." He rolled his eyes as if that fact were
childishly obvious. "But I wasn't sure how to do it—I knew Emmett and Jasper
would never help… so I was thinking maybe I would go to Italy and do
something to provoke the Volturi." Yeah, okay. You'd think that the effort of going to Italy would kind of defuse your fervour to kill yourself.

Expository information: The Volturi are an old and powerful family of vampires and they live in Italy. I wonder if this is going to be significant.

Carlisle—Edward's father in so many real ways—kept a wall of paintings that illustrated his personal history. That's not egotistical at all. Anyway, Carlisle knew these three Volturi named Aro, Caius, and Marcus.

"I'll never put you in danger again, so it's a moot point."
"Put me in danger! I thought we'd established that all the bad luck is my fault?" I
was getting angrier. "How dare you even think like that?" Noooo, moot is my favourite word! Also, I hate Bella.

"I guess I see your point… a little," he admitted. "But what would I do without
you?" You would continue to live, is what you would do.

I turned the camera on Edward, and snapped the first picture. "It works." ZOMG, really? WHO KNEW?

I'm just going to say now, this is not nearly as much to make fun of as The Host was. I don't know why. Maybe because I want to kill Bella? Also, I think Emmett is my favourite vampire, but this could have something to do with Growing Up Cullen, in which he was awesome.

Anyhoo, presents! Emmett, Jasper, and Rosalie got her a truck stereo, except you know Rosalie didn't have anything to do with it and bitched when she found out that her name was on the card.

She cuts herself on tape. HOW DO YOU CUT YOURSELF ON TAPE?

"Shoot," I muttered when the paper sliced my finger. Never mind, it was paper. My bad. Also, "shoot". That will NEVER STOP AMUSING ME.

So anyway, Jasper freaks out at the blood and goes to eat her. Then because she's an idiot she falls on glass and cuts herself more. Good going.

Chapter 2- Stitches

Esme's heart-shaped face was ashamed. "I'm so sorry, Bella," she cried as she
followed the others into the yard. What point does Esme even HAVE? She doesn't do anything.

He twisted it around my arm above the elbow to form a tourniquet. The smell of the blood was making me dizzy. No one can smell blood unless there's a shitload of it, and I ghighly doubt there is. AND to make a tourniquet, don't you need to press something into the wound? Like in a book I read (can't remember which one) this guy puts a rock in his wound and then ties a bandage around it. Carlisle did not, in fact, make a tourniquet. He just made a bandage. There's a difference.

"Why are you so masochistic?" I mumbled. You BOTH are. It's irritating.

Let's talk ethics for a second here. Basically, everyone in the vampire family was dying when they were turned into a vampire to save their lives. Is it morally correct to turn them into a bloodthirsty, immortal monster without their knowledge? This sounds a bit like the Robert Latimer thing, only in reverse. I know I would be kind of pissed if I was dying and then woke up later and found out I had been turned into a vampire. I think being immortal would be the worst thing ever. And looky, this topic is covered: "But was it right to doom the others to this life? I can't decide." I think if you read about medical ethics, this would be covered. And evidently you did, because you're a doctor, Carlisle. So why are you still unsure?

Carlisle is talking about how he never doubted God existed, even when he became a vampire. LDS philosophy?

Besides, the only kind of heaven I could appreciate would have to include Edward. I want to kill someone. Possibly myself.

"You see, he thinks we've lost our souls." Isn't the point of vampire that they lost their souls?

Anyway, now Carlisle's talking about he saved Edward. It's boring.

"Say something," I finally begged as he turned onto the freeway.
"What do you want me to say?" he asked in a detached voice.
I cringed at his remoteness. 'Tell me you forgive me." I HATE YOU AND YOUR UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.

Also, I'm readint his on PDF and for some reason the word "get" has been italicized three times in a row. I don't know why but it's disconcerting.

"How the hell did Mike Newton end up in this conversation?" I demanded. ZOMG a swear.

"I'd rather die than be with Mike Newton," I protested. "I'd rather die than be with
anyone but you."
"Don't be melodramatic, please." Did you not just have this conversation earlier? And correct me if I'm wrong, but Edward said that he would die if he lost Bella. He's such a hypocrite. And he sounds SO FUCKING CONDESCENDING. Like she's a little child. That would drive me NUTS.

"Will you stay tonight?" I asked.
"I should go home."
The last thing I wanted was for him to go wallow in remorse.
"For my birthday," I pressed.
"You can't have it both ways—either you want people to ignore your birthday or
you don't. One or the other."

Again with the condescension, buddy.

"Hi." I snuggled into his stone chest. Someone please explain to me how snuggling with a rock is comfortable. I mean, I had a pet rock. I get it. They're fun. But I would never ever sleep with it. That's what stuffed animals are for.

"Allow me," he suggested. He took the gift from my hand and tore the silver
paper off with one fluid movement. Why does she have to have everything done for her. AND DUH, OPENING THE PRESENTS IS THE BEST PART.

Esme and Carlisle bought plane tickets for Edward and Bella to go to Florida. Good idea to take the vampire to the Sunshine State.

"I can't believe it. Renee is going to flip!" We talked about the fifties time warp in The Host, and evidently it has spread to the Twilightverse as well.

Anyway, Edward made her a cd of music he composed and she starts crying. Great. I'd be like, "Wow, you didn't want to spend any money on me, fucking cheapskate?"

"What are you thinking about?'" I wondered in a whisper.
He hesitated for a second before he told me. "I was thinking about right and
wrong, actually." OMG, he's so deep.

Now they had an insane kiss.

"Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body?" I challenged. Misogyny at its finest, people.