New Moon Chapters 13-16

I was bored so I did four chapters. Yay me.

Chapter 13- Killer

She’s freaking out as per usual and she’s going to go see Jacob. She storms into his room while he’s sleeping and looky, he has dark circles under his eyes, just like Edward. Is that one of Smeyer’s prerequisites for the perfect man? Because I don’t personally find that attractive. Someone get those two some Preparation H for the bags under their eyes. So she drives to La Push, is a bitch to Billy, storms into Jacob’s room…and then she decides to let him sleep. Okay.

I wondered if he really would. Well, if he didn't, I'd tried, right? If you were really trying, you would have woken him up.

Jacob comes by and he’s happy that she figured it out. You’d think it would have come to her earlier, what with her dreams of Jacob turning into a wolf and then the giant wolves around, but no one ever accused Bella of being smart.

The werewolves are randomly killing people. I don’t know why.

He glared at me, his eyes narrowing and his mouth twisting into a snarl. "You know what makes me so mad I could just spit?" That just makes me laugh for some reason. And the reason he’s so mad that he could spit is because Bella is terrified of him when she’s not scared of Edward. And he’s going all Edward, getting pissed off for no apparent reason. She’s not scared because you’re a monster, Jacob. She’s scared because you’re a psychopath.

Even the voice in my head was making no sense today.
I listened to him, though. I would do anything for that voice. Urgh, of course you would.

Bella says she doesn’t care that he’s a wolf, just that he kills people, and he gets super happy and when he’s happy I like him. And he grabs her and hugs her again. Manhandling #2, but I’m sure it won’t be the last. And Jacob says he’s not a killer, yay. The hikers are being killed by something else, not by the wolves.

"Bella, honey, we only protect people from one thing—our one enemy. It's the reason we exist—because they do." What is he, her dad?

Anyway, vampires are killing people. And Laurent is dead, like the red shirt he was all along. Jacob explains about the werewolves. They only turn, or “fursplode” as Cleolinda would say, when they get angry. Like the Hulk.

"What would happen… if you got too mad?" I whispered.
"I'd turn into a wolf," he whispered back.
"You don't need a full moon."
He rolled his eyes. "Hollywood's version doesn't get much right." Neither does Smeyer’s, incidentally.

It wasn't over.
"Laurent is dead," I gasped, and my entire body went ice cold.
"Bella?" Jacob asked anxiously, touching my ashen cheek.
"If Laurent died… a week ago… then someone else is killing people now." And circle takes the square! Let’s all applaud for our bright little bulb, Bella, here.

And she swoons AGAIN. I should be keeping a count for this book. I think this is like #3. She always swoons and a big strong man has to save her.

"Of course," I whispered. "She wants me." Of course she does.

Bella tells Jacob that Edward left because she wasn’t special enough blah blah and Jacob gets all mad. And then he randomly leaves her alone and she freaks out, as per usual. Also, if Victoria was hunting Bella, wouldn’t she go straight to her house? Or to her school? Or to the meadow? How fucking stupid is she that she doesn’t check any of the places that Bella usually goes?

I didn't care what he could turn into when he got mad. “You won’t like me when I’m angry…HULK SMASH!”

Jacob explains that when they’re in wolf form they are all connected by a telepathic connection. That would be awkward. Bella isn’t freaked out because her precious Edward can read minds. Jacob keeps calling them bloodsuckers and Bella gets mad. I don’t understand this werewolf thing. They turn into wolves when they get mad, but apparently they can also do it on command.

"Close enough. Sam told me I couldn't tell you. He's… the
head of the pack, you know. He's the Alpha. When he tells us to do something, or
not to do something—when he really means it, well, we can't just ignore him." That sounds just peachy. What does Smeyer have against free will?

They’re all going to talk to the werewolves.

Chapter 14- Family

Everyone’s all mad that Bella’s there. Paul fursplodes! There’s a fight. Jacob’s clothes all tear off like The Hulk and I wonder if this is fan service. I know that later Jacob has to walk around in cut off sweats, so yeah. I’m thinking fan service.

Swoon #4.

"Let's go see Emily. You know she'll have food waiting." Because she’s a good little woman.

This Emily person is Sam’s fiancée. And Bella is warned not stare at her. This is because her face is all scarred, like that woman who got attacked by a bear on Wild America. Because Sam beat her up because he got angry. Hmm…what does this sound like? Starts with “a” and ends with “buse”.

Emily is “the wolf girl”. Bella is “the vampire girl”. Good to know they are defined by the men that they are with.

Also, the wolves spontaneously regenerate, like Wolverine. Hey, they don’t sound like werewolves. But of course, this is a Smeyer novel.

Rofl. Jacob tells everyone that Victoria is after Bella and Jared’s all, “Hey, we got bait!” and Jacob throws a can opener at Jared’s head.

"So we'll be changing oar patterns," Sam said, ignoring their squabble. What the fuck does that mean?

I noticed that Emily didn't particularly like that Sam would be in the smaller grouping. Her worry had me glancing up at Jacob, worrying, too. The little women are scared that their big strong men are going off to fight. SOMEBODY PLEASE, GROW A PAIR.

I flinched. I didn't want Jacob or any of the rest of them trying to end Victoria. Well what the fuck do you want? Do you want her dead or not?

And look, more stereotypes! Bella’s all worried about Jacob when she asks if he’ll be careful, everyone laughs at her, unafraid and devil may care. Only Bella and Emily are worried about their men.

He chuckled. "Get some rest, Bella, honey. You look exhausted." Wtf is up with the “honey”?

Sam scarred Emily’s face. Even if he does genuinely love her, how can she be okay with that?

Chapter 15- Pressure

It’s spring break!!

Bella’s at La Push all the time for some reason and she’s brooding because everyone thinks she and Jacob are dating and he holds her hand but she doesn’t stop him because it feels nice. Way to not lead him on. And now Mike is getting all jealous of Jacob. Jacob holds her hand again, she doesn’t say anything. One of the side effects of being a werewolf is that your temperature runs high. If this is some kind of evolutionary adaptation, I don’t know what purpose it would have. People have been surviving the cold in Washington for years. Jacob is also shirtless for no apparent reason other than fan service.

Jacob fursploded when he came back from the movie and he attacked his father.

And who does this fucking sound like: "The hardest part is feeling… out of control," he said slowly. "Feeling like I can't be sure of myself—like maybe you shouldn't be around me, like maybe nobody should. Like I'm a monster who might hurt somebody."

And who can become a werewolf who is big, strong, fast, and smart? Only guys, naturally.

But I wasn't the only one twitching. I could feel Jacob's whole body trembling next to mine. Even the car shook.
"Careful, Jake. Easy. Calm down."
"Yeah," he panted. "Calm." He shook his head back and forth quickly. After a moment, only his hands were shaking.
"You okay?"
"Yeah, almost. Tell me something else. Give me something else to think about." This is an EXACT retread of the time Edward saved her from the rapists and Bella had to chatter away to calm him down.

Emily was a cheerful person who never sat still. I drifted behind
her while she flitted around her little house and yard, scrubbing at the spotless floor, pulling a tiny weed, fixing a broken hinge, tugging a string of wool through an ancient loom, and always cooking, too. Such a stereotypical Stepford wife.

They’re going cliff diving later on.

"Okay—now let's go get you some sleep." I didn't like the way the circles under his eyes were beginning to look permanently etched onto his skin. What’s the matter Bella, I thought you liked your men like that.

Let’s see how many times she uses the word perfect with regards to Edward: 16. Perfect doesn’t even look like a word anymore.

She’s going to cliff diving by herself. That sounds smart. And he’s talking to her and getting angry because she’s being an idiot. HA HA HA the current is taking her away. She’s such a fucking moron. She’s going CLIFF DIVING by HERSELF.

Chapter 16- Paris

And Jacob saves her. When he could have been hunting Victoria, and instead has to take time out to save Bella’s idiotic ass.
I’m going to keep a count of how many times Jacob calls her honey. So far it’s three.

Harry Clearwater had a heart attack and he’s probably going to die.

She dreams about Romeo and Juliet and then ruminates on them but it’s unimportant. Except for the fact that she is comparing herself to Juliet, Edward to Romeo, and Paris to Jacob. Essentially, Smeyer is comparing herself to Shakespeare. I don’t like Shakespeare, but there has to be a reason he’s so famous. It’s because he’s a good writer. You, Smeyer, are no Shakespeare.

Yup, Harry’s dead.

I couldn't imagine my life without Jacob now—I cringed away from the idea of even trying to imagine that. Somehow, he'd become essential to my survival. Of course you can’t ever survive without a man around. How is it possible that a female is so sexist?

I'd have to tell him everything, I knew that. It was the only way to be fair. I'd have to explain it right, so that he'd know I wasn't settling, that he was much too good for me. He already knew I was broken, that part wouldn't surprise him, but
he'd need to know the extent of it. I'd even have to admit that I was crazy—explain about the voices I heard. He'd need to know everything before he made a decision. This all sounds completely healthy.

I would have to commit to this—commit as much of me as there was left, every one of the broken pieces. It was the only way to be fair to him. Would I? Could I?
Would it be so wrong to try to make Jacob happy? Even if the love I felt for him was no more than a weak echo of what I was capable of, even if my heart was far away, wandering and grieving after my fickle Romeo, would it be so very wrong? kl;jasdfjhfsdlkajsdf/. Would it be wrong to make JACOB happy? What about makes YOU happy? Asdkljf;OIYHASDFLHASDKF I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

But could I do it? Could I betray my absent heart to save my pathetic life? The purple prose just KILLS ME.

Also, let’s remember that Jacob is fifteen. Who is two years younger than me…lol, Aaron. And…Lord Mitch. And I can’t really think of anyone else but I know that I wouldn’t want to date someone two years younger.

Fuck a duck, the Cullens are back.

"Bye, Bella," he called back over his shoulder. "I really hope you don't die." That’s awesome. Seriously.

And someone is waiting in her room. Dun dun DUN.