New Moon Chapters 17 and 18

Chapter 17- Visitor

Who is this visitor? Omg it's Alice. And she's being a bitch for some reason. Everyone loves Alice but I am partial to Emmett, myself. And Charlie. At least until Eclipse, but we will talk about THAT when we get to it. Alice is all angry because Bella keeps trying to commit suicide, and because of the cliff diving in particular. She saw her jump, but she didn't see Bella come up. Well shit, Alice, you can see the future. You didn't see her DIE so you didn't need to be so worried.

I honestly don't remember what happened in the previous chapters. It sounds like Bella and Jacob had a fight but I don't remember. I shall check. Oh yeah, they did have a fight and Jacob's all, "I hope you don't die, Bella."

"There's nothing wrong with werewolves," I grumbled, stung by her critical tone.
"Until they lose their tempers." She shook her head sharply from side to side. Well what about the fucking vampires, you hypocrite? Remember your boyfriend, Jasper? What happened at the beginning of this book? Ringing a bell?

I could feel the blood draining from my face. My stomach dropped. "Don't go,
Alice," I whispered. My fingers locked around the collar of her white shirt and I
began to hyperventilate. "Please don't leave me." Bella is so fucking pathetic. ARGH.

"You'll come back?" I asked in a small voice. I need to break things.

I wondered what Alice had meant about me smelling bad. Obviously she means that she can smell the werewolf on you, DUH. Seriously, how has she stayed alive this long?

"Bella. What are we going to do with you?" I have an idea. It involves Scully and the defibrillator that she killed Leonard Betts with.

"I'm so sorry about Harry, Dad."
"I'm really going to miss him," Charlie mumbled. I know something you guys don't know that makes this exchange even more hilarious.

"It's me," she confirmed. "I was in the neighborhood." Give or take a few thousand miles.

"I've never felt so helpless," Charlie began slowly. "I didn't know what to do.
That first week—I thought I was going to have to hospitalize her. She wouldn't
eat or drink, she wouldn't move. Dr. Gerandy was throwing around words like
'catatonic,' but I didn't let him up to see her. I was afraid it would scare her."
"She snapped out of it though?"
"I had Renee come to take her to Florida. I just didn't want to be the one… if she
had to go to a hospital or something. I hoped being with her mother would help.
But when we started packing her clothes, she woke up with a vengeance. I've
never seen Bella throw a fit like that. She was never one for the tantrums, but,
boy, did she fly into a fury. She threw her clothes everywhere and screamed that
we couldn't make her leave—and then she finally started crying. I thought that
would be the turning point. I didn't argue when she insisted on staying here… and
she did seem to get better at first…" Whoa, when the fuck did that happen? Did I read that and just completely forget about it? More likely Smeyer just added it in for no apparent reason.

"It was night of the living dead around here. I still hear her screaming in her
sleep…" I love you Charlie, but George A. Romero is too good to be mentioned in this craphole abyss of a book.

"She's one of a kind," Alice agreed in a dry voice. Thank GOD for that. Even one is too much.

Apparently Alice was in an insane asylum. Do I remember reading this?

Alice can't see werewolves' futures. Perhaps that's why she never saw Bella come back up out of the water. ZOMG.

Chapter 18- The Funeral

Jacob's here and Alice goes and hides.

My teeth clenched together again. "Chicken" I mumbled under my breath. Let's have some more of that rapier wit, Bella.

Jacob's being a huge bitch. I can't remember why he's so pissed off but it was probably something stupid.

And Jacob pulls an Edward and magically goes from rage to contrition in like two seconds. Jacob says they can't be friends while Bella is friends with Alice but he'll be her friend again when Alice leaves. This also sounds a little emotionally manipulative. JACOB I LOVED YOU ONCE.

It was a nasty catch-22—
on the one hand, I wanted Alice to stay forever. I was going to die—
metaphorically—when she left me. But how was I supposed to go without seeing
Jake for any length of time? What a mess, I thought again. Bella is so pathetic. I don't even have any words for this book anymore. No words. I'm out.

I stared back at him. He was not my Jacob, but he could be. His face was familiar
and beloved. In so many real ways, I did love him. He was my comfort, my safe
harbor. Right now, I could choose to have him belong to me. Doesn't comfort, safe, warm, familiar, sound better than cold, hard, and bipolar? Methinks it does.

Anyway, they're going to kiss and then the phone rings and for some strange reason Jacob answers it. It was Carlisle and Jacob gets mad. Carlisle wanted to talk to Charlie for some weird reason.

"Who did you just hang up on?" I gasped, infuriated. "In my house, and on my
phone?" It took you A LONG time to react with anger.
"Easy! He hung up on me!" I don't think that's quite the correct response for her question. "Who did you hang up on?" "Easy!" Doesn't make much sense, Smeyer.

Jacob is even more bipolar than Edward, if that's possible. His mood swings happen like every three sentences, I swear to God.

"Shoot, ow!" I protested as he hurriedly jerked his legs free one at a time. Ha ha ha ha she said shoot.

Anyhoo, Alice is freaking out and it has to do with Edward.

I'm going to keep a swoon count. This is like five now.

HA HA HA HA HA. Okay, that wasn't Carlisle on the phone, it was Edward, who thought that Charlie was going to BELLA'S funeral because I guess Rosalie told Edward that Alice saw Bella die.

"Well, it's really rotten timing, but it will all get straightened out." Fifties time warp, ftw.

Remember how Edward was musing about how he would commit suicide if Bella died? He would go to Italy and commit public sparkling so the Volturi would kill him. So I guess that's what he's doing now. That's dedication, if he's willing to travel across the ocean to kill himself. He's kind of an idiot if he goes to Italy to kill himself without even confirming Bella's death when he knows that Alice sees ALL POSSIBLE FUTURES, and her vision is fallible.

And Bella's going to just jet off to Italy without telling anyone. I am so sure she just happens to have a passport handy. And she DOES. That's convenient.

"And you take her to them like a bottle of wine for a party!" he shouted. More like a turkey dinner that smells like freesias. Okay, let's talk about the freesia thing. I THINK he actually says her blood smells like freesias, but I'm not altogether sure. If he does say this, then HOW IS THAT APPETIZING? I like flowers but I don't want to EAT them. I could understand if her blood smelled like chicken or perogies or Kraft Dinner, but freesias are not something a lot of people like to eat.