New Moon Chapters 1 and 2

I can't do it. I can't stop making fun of Smeyer. I HAVE TO SNARK. So I'm recapping New Moon.

Okay, you probably all know the plot of Twilight, but here it is anyway. Bella moves to Forks, Washington, everyone randomly loves her despite the fact she says she's unattractive and she's really whiny and annoying. She meets a family of vampires and falls in love with Edward because he's hot. He falls in love with her because her blood smells good and he also wants to kill her at the same time. He stalks her but it's supposed to be romantic. Some vampire named James wants to kill her in the last hundred pages, he is defeated. He also has a mate named Victoria, who I think figures prominently in this book. Characters:

Bella- Main character. Annoying. Hates everything.
Edward- Loves/wants to kill Bella. He is beautiful, godlike, and feels like a marble statue.
Carlisle and Esme- Edward's "parents".
Rosalie, Emmett, Jasper, Alice- Edward's "siblings".
Jacob- Bella's friend. It's heavily foreshadowed that he's a werewolf but we're not supposed to know this yet, apparently.
Charlie and Renee- Bella's parents.

The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Oh, you mean Edward ISN'T actually Ted Bundy? Gotcha.

Preface

She's running or something. That's it.

Chapter 1- Party

Weird words:
Basilisk

Bella is dreaming about her grandmother.

She paused, too, and then we Goth smiled at the little awkwardness. What the fuck is a Goth smile?

And now Edward's there. If this turns into an awkward threesome, I don't know if that would be hilarious or disturbing. Probably both.

How was I supposed to explain the fact that the brilliant sunbeams
were shattering off his skin into a thousand rainbow shards like he was made of
crystal or diamond? This will NEVER stop cracking me up. He fucking sparkles. Also, a good point was brought up on a forum: He sparkles because his cells are hard like diamond. Then riddle me this: how can he even move?

Yet here he was, strolling gracefully toward me—with the most
beautiful smile on his angel's face—as if I were the only one here. I got through The Host without puking, but I'm not sure if I can say the same for this book.

It weirds me out how Bella wishes that Edward could read her mind. I would never want ANYONE to read my mind. Ever.

ZOMG, it's her in the mirror. She is the old person. And Bella is freaking out because she's eighteen and Edward never will be. I wish I hadn't read any of this book so you can get my real reactions, but I have read parts. I'm sorry. I also think that Bella has a birthday near mine, but I can't really remember. This fact makes me sad.

Boo hoo, Bella. Your dad bought you presents. YOUR LIFE IS SO HARD.

I pulled into the familiar parking lot behind Forks High
School and spotted Edward leaning motionlessly against his polished silver
Volvo, like a marble tribute to some forgotten pagan god of beauty. I forgot about how bad her purple prose was. This is horrendous. Also...why does he drive a Volvo? Aren't they rich?

How does having bags under your eyes make you hot? I don't understand.

I'd told Alice I didn't want anything, anything, not gifts or even attention, for my birthday. Go whine a little more, Bella. "I'm Bella, people actually care about me. My life is so HARD."

She finally seemed to process my mood. "Okay… later, then. Did you like the
scrapbook your mom sent you? And the camera from Charlie?" I thought Alice saw all possible futures. So she wouldn't exactly know that they got her. "Ohh, I hate continuity!"

Being a vampire didn't look like such a terrible thing—not the way the Cullens did it, anyway. Are you SERIOUS? They go to high school OVER AND OVER. That is plenty terrible for me.

Attention is never a good thing, as any other accident-prone klutz would agree. Redundancy is not good. Also, being clumsy does not count as a legitimate character trait.

It [money] was just something that accumulated when you had unlimited time on your hands and a sister who had an uncanny ability to predict trends in the stock market. Again, all possible futures...she wouldn't know for sure what would be good in the stock market. Andromeda did the "all possible futures" thing way way better.

My other friends, Mike and Jessica (who were in the awkward postbreakup
friendship phase), Angela and Ben (whose relationship had survived the
summer), Eric, Conner, Tyler, and Lauren (though that last one didn't really count
in the friend category) all sat at the same table, on the other side of an invisible
line. Smeyer has a huge problem with adding random characters and then never fleshing them out. Who the hell are Conner and Ben, I ask you? She did this on The Host and it was so annoying.

I frowned. I didn't like it when he picked on my truck. The truck was great—it
had personality. At least SOMEONE in this book does.

My head was already spinning by the time he leaned closer and pressed his icy
lips against mine. How is that attractive, seriously. It would be like pressing your lips to a popsicle, and that is not nice.

"What's wrong with Romeo?" I asked, a little offended. Romeo was one of my
favorite fictional characters. Until I'd met Edward, I'd sort of had a thing for him. You would. Romeo is impetuous and dumb. He's a bit of an idiot.

The movie eventually captured my interest, thanks in large part to Edward
whispering Romeo's lines in my ear—his irresistible, velvet voice made the
actor's voice sound weak and coarse by comparison. I HATE when people speak the lines at the same time the actors do. Like, "Dude, I'M TRYING TO WATCH THE MOVIE." Like when Madison and her friend kept saying the lines to High School Musical (I had to watch it for research purposes) and when Amanda kept saying the lines to The Breakfast Club before they said them. It's super annoying.

"I don't envy him the girl—just the ease of the suicide," he clarified in a teasing tone. How was Harry Potter denounced by religious people and this isn't? Suicide is a mortal sin, according to the Catholic Church.

And Edward contemplated suicide when Bella disappeared in Twilight. Yeah, that's healthy. Let's just all commit suicide when we can't be with our lovers anymore.

Unthinkingly, my fingers traced the crescent-shaped scar on my hand that was always just a few degrees cooler than the rest of my skin. Maybe he's possessed.

"Well, I wasn't going to live without you." He rolled his eyes as if that fact were
childishly obvious. "But I wasn't sure how to do it—I knew Emmett and Jasper
would never help… so I was thinking maybe I would go to Italy and do
something to provoke the Volturi." Yeah, okay. You'd think that the effort of going to Italy would kind of defuse your fervour to kill yourself.

Expository information: The Volturi are an old and powerful family of vampires and they live in Italy. I wonder if this is going to be significant.

Carlisle—Edward's father in so many real ways—kept a wall of paintings that illustrated his personal history. That's not egotistical at all. Anyway, Carlisle knew these three Volturi named Aro, Caius, and Marcus.

"I'll never put you in danger again, so it's a moot point."
"Put me in danger! I thought we'd established that all the bad luck is my fault?" I
was getting angrier. "How dare you even think like that?" Noooo, moot is my favourite word! Also, I hate Bella.

"I guess I see your point… a little," he admitted. "But what would I do without
you?" You would continue to live, is what you would do.

I turned the camera on Edward, and snapped the first picture. "It works." ZOMG, really? WHO KNEW?

I'm just going to say now, this is not nearly as much to make fun of as The Host was. I don't know why. Maybe because I want to kill Bella? Also, I think Emmett is my favourite vampire, but this could have something to do with Growing Up Cullen, in which he was awesome.

Anyhoo, presents! Emmett, Jasper, and Rosalie got her a truck stereo, except you know Rosalie didn't have anything to do with it and bitched when she found out that her name was on the card.

She cuts herself on tape. HOW DO YOU CUT YOURSELF ON TAPE?

"Shoot," I muttered when the paper sliced my finger. Never mind, it was paper. My bad. Also, "shoot". That will NEVER STOP AMUSING ME.

So anyway, Jasper freaks out at the blood and goes to eat her. Then because she's an idiot she falls on glass and cuts herself more. Good going.

Chapter 2- Stitches

Esme's heart-shaped face was ashamed. "I'm so sorry, Bella," she cried as she
followed the others into the yard. What point does Esme even HAVE? She doesn't do anything.

He twisted it around my arm above the elbow to form a tourniquet. The smell of the blood was making me dizzy. No one can smell blood unless there's a shitload of it, and I ghighly doubt there is. AND to make a tourniquet, don't you need to press something into the wound? Like in a book I read (can't remember which one) this guy puts a rock in his wound and then ties a bandage around it. Carlisle did not, in fact, make a tourniquet. He just made a bandage. There's a difference.

"Why are you so masochistic?" I mumbled. You BOTH are. It's irritating.

Let's talk ethics for a second here. Basically, everyone in the vampire family was dying when they were turned into a vampire to save their lives. Is it morally correct to turn them into a bloodthirsty, immortal monster without their knowledge? This sounds a bit like the Robert Latimer thing, only in reverse. I know I would be kind of pissed if I was dying and then woke up later and found out I had been turned into a vampire. I think being immortal would be the worst thing ever. And looky, this topic is covered: "But was it right to doom the others to this life? I can't decide." I think if you read about medical ethics, this would be covered. And evidently you did, because you're a doctor, Carlisle. So why are you still unsure?

Carlisle is talking about how he never doubted God existed, even when he became a vampire. LDS philosophy?

Besides, the only kind of heaven I could appreciate would have to include Edward. I want to kill someone. Possibly myself.

"You see, he thinks we've lost our souls." Isn't the point of vampire that they lost their souls?

Anyway, now Carlisle's talking about he saved Edward. It's boring.

"Say something," I finally begged as he turned onto the freeway.
"What do you want me to say?" he asked in a detached voice.
I cringed at his remoteness. 'Tell me you forgive me." I HATE YOU AND YOUR UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.

Also, I'm readint his on PDF and for some reason the word "get" has been italicized three times in a row. I don't know why but it's disconcerting.

"How the hell did Mike Newton end up in this conversation?" I demanded. ZOMG a swear.

"I'd rather die than be with Mike Newton," I protested. "I'd rather die than be with
anyone but you."
"Don't be melodramatic, please." Did you not just have this conversation earlier? And correct me if I'm wrong, but Edward said that he would die if he lost Bella. He's such a hypocrite. And he sounds SO FUCKING CONDESCENDING. Like she's a little child. That would drive me NUTS.

"Will you stay tonight?" I asked.
"I should go home."
The last thing I wanted was for him to go wallow in remorse.
"For my birthday," I pressed.
"You can't have it both ways—either you want people to ignore your birthday or
you don't. One or the other."

Again with the condescension, buddy.

"Hi." I snuggled into his stone chest. Someone please explain to me how snuggling with a rock is comfortable. I mean, I had a pet rock. I get it. They're fun. But I would never ever sleep with it. That's what stuffed animals are for.

"Allow me," he suggested. He took the gift from my hand and tore the silver
paper off with one fluid movement. Why does she have to have everything done for her. AND DUH, OPENING THE PRESENTS IS THE BEST PART.

Esme and Carlisle bought plane tickets for Edward and Bella to go to Florida. Good idea to take the vampire to the Sunshine State.

"I can't believe it. Renee is going to flip!" We talked about the fifties time warp in The Host, and evidently it has spread to the Twilightverse as well.

Anyway, Edward made her a cd of music he composed and she starts crying. Great. I'd be like, "Wow, you didn't want to spend any money on me, fucking cheapskate?"

"What are you thinking about?'" I wondered in a whisper.
He hesitated for a second before he told me. "I was thinking about right and
wrong, actually." OMG, he's so deep.

Now they had an insane kiss.

"Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body?" I challenged. Misogyny at its finest, people.