New Moon Chapters 3-6

Chapter 3- The End
I HADN'T slept well; my arm burned and my head ached. No fucking kidding. You've been sleeping on a rock.

Surprise surprise, Edward is all sullen for no apparent reason, which is kind of his default setting. Question: every day they go to the cafeteria, get food, and then don't eat it. Doesn't anybody worry that they're all suffering from anorexia? And also, that is a massive waste of food. The accumulation of all the food they've thrown away could probably feed a small third world nation for a few years. Why don't they just pretend they go home for lunch? I see some logical errors here.
"And Alice, too," I said with quiet desperation. Of course, if Jasper needed her, she would go. Of course she would go if her man needed her! Who cares what SHE wants. Also, they're going to Denali which is where Edward disappeared to when Bella came to Forks.
Laurent, the most civilized member of James's little coven, had gone there rather than siding with James against the Cullens. It is interesting to me that she chooses the word "civilized." It's been established that the Cullens are beautiful while the mean vampires are ugly, even for humans. Civilized is the word most often used to describe Europeans when early Europeans and Native Americans are being compared. It sounds more racist than anything else.
The guilt made my head bow and my shoulders slump. I'd run them out of their home, just like Rosalie and Emmett. I was a plague. Get over your fucking self.

I think it's weird that Bella sleeps and Edward just sits there. I guess it's better than him watching her through her window for weeks on end, but it would kind of creep me out to sleep cuddled up with someone who was awake.
"So you'll come over when I'm home, though, right?" I hated that I felt suddenly unsure about this. PRONOUN/ANTECEDENT MISUSE, BITCH. "If you want me to." PREPOSITION MISUSE. "I always want you," I reminded him, with perhaps a little more intensity than the conversation required. I expected he would laugh, or smile, or react somehow to my words. "All right, then," he said indifferently. This is so abusive! It's withholding intimacy AND it's utilizing emotional control.
I was able to drive out of the parking lot before the panic really hit, but I was hyperventilating by the time I got to Newton's. She's hyperventilating, but I'm still not sure why. Because Edward is being distant and indifferent? Isn't that how he always is?

Edward's at her house watching TV with Charlie. Bella freaks out for no apparent reason.
I toyed with the wrist strap on the camera, wondering about the first picture on the roll. Are you fucking kidding me? She has an actual film camera? What is she, Amish?
Regardless, I snapped a picture of my room. There wasn't much else I could do tonight—it was too dark outside—and the feeling was growing stronger, it was almost a compulsion now. That's what the flash is for. You really are an idiot.

Probably he was worried that I would be upset when he asked me to leave. I would let him work through it without meddling. And I would be prepared when he asked. She's ready to move away if Edward tells her to. WTF?

Still don't know why she's so scared and freaking out.
"Will you stay?" I asked, no hope in my voice. I expected his answer, so it didn't hurt as much. "Not tonight." I didn't ask for a reason. Withholding intimacy is a sign of abuse.
I watched them hand the camera around the table, giggling and flirting and complaining about being on film. It seemed strangely childish. Maybe I just wasn't in the mood for normal human behavior today. Because you're so much better than everyone else. Why does everyone like Bella? She's kind of a bitch.
The contrast between the two of us was painful. He looked like a god. I looked very average, even for a human, almost shamefully plain. I flipped the picture over with a feeling of disgust. I don't even have any words. I'm out. OUT. I want to break something. Also, if you're plain, HOW COME FIVE GUYS WERE TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH YOU IN THE LAST BOOK?

Edward is informing Bella that he is leaving her and what follows is a predictable conversation that goes something like, "I'm no good for you. Leave me!" "But I love you, Edward! You are my whole life." "Stay away...I MUST KISS YOU."

"You… don't… want me?" I tried out the words, confused by the way they
sounded, placed in that order.
"No." Ouch. Also...a little emotionally abusive? Considering you guys have been dating for like a year.

He stared back without apology. His
eyes were like topaz—hard and clear and very deep. Yes, his fucking eyes are topaz. WE GET IT.

"You're not good for me, Bella." He turned his earlier words around, and so I had
no argument. How well I knew that I wasn't good enough for him. GRR JOSS WHEDON BRING SOME REAL VAMPIRE TO KILL THEM BOTH.

"No. They're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye."
"Alice is gone?" My voice was blank with disbelief.
"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be
better for you." What about what BELLA wants? She'd want to say goodbye to her best friend. Edward's an abusive asshole.

Love, life, meaning… over. Grow a pair. It's been awhile since I read any of the Twilight series (NOT A FUCKING SAGA) that I forgot how annoying Bella was. I thought Wanderer was bad, but Bella really makes me want to break something.

So Edward leaves and she's curled up in the fetal position, crying.

Tonight the sky was utterly black. Perhaps there was no moon tonight
—a lunar eclipse, a new moon. I SEE WHAT YOU DID THAR.

Someone's calling her, and it's Sam. I know who he is since I have read recaps, but you don't. So I won't spoil it. Oh and lookey, like half the population of Forks came to look for her. She's so ugly and unworthy, and yet strangers care enough about her to look for her on a rainy night. And the fucking doctor made a house call. I've been going to Dr. Bia for YEARS and his wife is the church organist and we're friends with her and he still wouldn't come to my house just to make sure if I was okay after wandering in the woods.

There are a bunch of Natives from the reservation at her house, as well as Mike and his dad and Angela's dad. BOO HOO I'M BELLA, NO ONE LOVES ME.

There are some kind of fires out at the reservation.

I deflected his question. "How did you know where to find me?" My mind shied
away from the inevitable awareness that was coming, coming quickly now.
"Your note," Charlie answered. surprised. He reached into the back pocket of his
jeans and pulled out a much-abused piece of paper. It was dirty and damp, with
multiple creases from being opened and refolded many times. He unfolded it
again, and held it up as evidence. The messy handwriting was remarkably close
to my own.
Going for a walk with Edward, up the path, it said. Back soon, B. You're shitting me. He forged a note in her handwriting. Is that not...questionable? Also, he took all the stuff that reminded her of him. Breaking into her room, forging notes, stealing her stuff...does this sound like the act of someone who loves you, or an obsessive, abusive boyfriend? Yeah.

Chapter 4- Woken Up

And so we start the empty chapters (and for some reason, I wrote "statues"). Smeyer actually fucking has blank chapters, just to hammer home that Bella is nothing without her boyfriend. She has no interests, no ambitions, no life outside Edward. For four months, she exists in a zombie like state and weirdly, Charlie doesn't decide to get her to a therapist. A therapist would do wonders for her.

Now in the fifth month, Charlie says he's sending Bella to live with her mother in Florida. Also, if the Cullens knew they were leaving soon, why would they give her two tickets to Jacksonville? Hey, now Charlie is talking about sending her to a therapist and Bella gets all pissed off.

I didn't know much about psychoanalysis, but I was pretty sure that it didn't work
unless the subject was relatively honest. Also, psychoanalysis isn't what you would be undergoing. Psychonalysis, invented by Freud, is largely defunct and isn't used by the psychological community anymore. DUH.

"I'm not leaving," I said.
"Why not?" he demanded.
"I'm in my last semester of school—it would screw everything up."
"You're a good student—you'll figure it out."
"I don't want to crowd Mom and Phil."
"Your mother's been dying to have you back."
"Florida is too hot."

Aren't you from Phoenix? Weren't you complaining that you miss the heat? Weren't you complaining about the rain?

We were working on Animal Farm, an easy subject matter. Aren't you a fucking smartie? Brag a little more, why don't you? We need more evidence that you a brilliant, beautiful snowflake.

"Are you working tomorrow?"
I looked up. He was leaning across the aisle with an anxious expression. Every
Friday he asked me the same question. Never mind that I hadn't taken so much as
a sick day. Well, with one exception, months ago. But he had no reason to look at
me with such concern. I was a model employee.
"Tomorrow is Saturday, isn't it?" I said. Having just had it pointed out to me by
Charlie, I realized how lifeless my voice really sounded.
"Yeah, it is," he agreed. "See you in Spanish."

What was the fucking point of that conversation? To establish that it was Saturday tomorrow? Okay...?

My eyes did not stray toward the black garbage bag that held my present from
that last birthday, did not see the shape of the stereo where it strained against the
black plastic; I didn't think of the bloody mess my nails had been when I'd
finished clawing it out of the dashboard. I don't even know.

Her eyes squinted. "Since when do you listen to rap?"
"I don't know," I said. "A while."
"You like this?" she asked doubtfully.
"Sure."
It would be much too hard to interact with Jessica normally if I had to work to
tune out the music, too. I nodded my head, hoping I was in time with the beat.

I can just imagine her going all wigger to try to forget the pain of Edward. The visual is hilarious.

So Jessica and Bella are on their way to see a movie and there are a pair of lovers on the beach and she's freaking it because it reminds her of Edward. And she realizes that she has been a zombie for the past four months.

Not that I hadn't dreamed of becoming a mythical monster once—just never a
grotesque, animated corpse. Isn't that what vampire are...?

"That's funny." She frowned. "I didn't think you were scared—I was screaming
all the time, but I didn't hear you scream once. So I didn't know why you left." Maybe you didn't hear her because you were screaming. Also, the conversations between Bella and Jess are all so unrealistic. They sound like robots trying to imitate human speech, like Cameron from Terminator: The Sarah Conner Chronicles. Now they're walking to get food in the dark and they pass a bar called, I shit you not, One Eyed Pete's. WTF? And remember when Bella almost got raped in Twilight? THE SAME GUYS ARE OUT AND ABOUT AGAIN.

I was halfway across the street when Jess caught up to me and grabbed my arm.
"Bella! You can't go in a bar!" she hissed. Oh don't get your panties in a twist, goody goody.

And and LOOK AT THIS. She's all frightened and she here's Edward's voice in her head, being an authoritative prick, as per usual.

I could see no option three, so I hoped it was the second option and this was just
my subconscious running amuck, rather than something I would need to be
hospitalized for. It's AMOK. For fuck sakes, who edits your work?

Anyway, she hears his voice and she goes farther into the intensely dangerous situation of a dubiously named bar and she hears his voice again. Hmmm, I wonder if she's going to go all adrenaline addict and try to hear his voice again?

"What were you thinking?" Jessica snapped. "You don't know them—they could
have been psychopaths!" Because all men who hang out in bars are psychopaths. And the men asked Jessica and Bella to stay and have a drink. Normal teenagers would be excited but Jessica's freaked out and Bella just wants Edward.

Chapter 5- Cheater

Leather-face laughed and rolled his eyes. "Let me guess—you were on your way
in? Hadn't eaten real food or slept off the ground in a week, right?" Leatherface is in this book?

Bella is having nightmares about a leafy maze (like...at Hampton Court?) and she's just searching and then she screams. TERRIFYING. You do not know terror until you dream about Digout dressed as the Pope and shooting zombies.

And she's crying again.

I was standing in front of the Cheneys' house—
my truck was blocking their driveway—and across the road lived the Markses. Here's some advice: If you want to be suicidal and enter into danger to hear Edward's voice again, go hunting with Dick Cheney. Hilarity will ensue.

Anyway, she sees an ad for motorcycles.

Who would want to ride a motorcycle here? It would be like taking a sixty-mile-per-hour bath. What does that mean? Also, Charlie made her promise never to accept a ride on a motorcycle. Motorcycles are FUN. I want to go back to Carlyle so I can ride Uncle Gary's motorcycle again.

"If you really want one, just take it. My mom made my dad move them down to
the road so they'd get picked up with the garbage." If you're just throwing them away, why advertise that they're for sale?

Bella's going to Jacob's to get him to fix these two bikes she just got. Now we get an overly elaborate description of Jacob. He's tall and muscular and hot. Like every other love interest in this book. Jacob's so nice in New Moon, but I know he turns into a douche in Eclipse. Well, that's what Smeyer DOES. She takes any sympathetic and likable character and turns them into an asshole. Like Ian from The Host. I liked him pretty much up until he pulled a King Kong and picked up Wanderer and ran.

After all, if Jacob could fix the bike, someone had to teach me how to ride it. No need for a license.

"I've got some money saved. College fund, you know." College, schmollege, I
thought to myself. Of course she doesn't need an education. Edward can just support her for the rest of her life.

Chapter 6- Friends

Jacob's talking about his friends, Quil and Embry. There's more squickness coming up about Quil, but I won't ruin anything. And they magically appear.

Both boys went to examine Jacob's project,
drilling him with educated questions. Many of the words they used were
unfamiliar to me, and I figured I'd have to have a Y chromosome to really
understand the excitement. Yes, you sure do need to be a man to understand mechanics.

Jacob was simply a perpetually happy person, and he
carried that happiness with him like an aura, sharing it with whoever was near
him. Like an earthbound sun, whenever someone was within his gravitational
pull, Jacob warmed them. It was natural, a part of who he was. No wonder I was
so eager to see him. Doesn't that sound a LOT more appealing than Edward?

"I'm doing all the talking," he complained after a long story about Quil and the
trouble he'd stirred up by asking out a senior's steady girlfriend. YES! The return of the fifties time warp! Does anyone even SAY "steady girlfriend" anymore?

"Shoot," I muttered. That will never stop cracking me up. Also, Jacob and Bella emerge from the woods, holding hands and laughing. It looks like they went off for a quickie.

Charlie showed up at Jacob's for dinner and there are more people there: Harry and Sue, their daughter Leah, who is nineteen but still in high school for some reason, and Seth who is fourteen.

I was nervous when we got to the house. I didn't want to go upstairs. The warmth
of Jacob's presence was fading and, in its absence, the anxiety grew stronger. Of course she needs a man around all the time, or she falls apart.

She [Renee] wrote that Phil was enjoying his new coaching job, and
that they were planning a second honeymoon trip to Disney World. Didn't they just get married like a year ago? Where is all this money coming from?

Bella has the dream again, but Sam is there.

Ooh, Angela and Ben went up to the hot springs (SEXY) and they saw something. Ominous. Apparently it was a bear, but bigger. The end.