No, the title isn't a mistake. Keep reading.
Chapter 9- Port Angeles
So I'm confused. If Edward's cells are like little diamonds, how come they don't sparkle in artificial light? What kind of substance sparkles in the sun but not in artificial lights? Also, cells make up everything in the human body. So sperm is made up of these diamond hard cells. How do they still function in the same manner?
There was really only one place for dress shopping in Port Angeles.
Well you would know, wouldn't you, Edward?
So Jessica is twirling in front of a "three way mirror". A one way mirror is when you can just see your reflection in the mirror. A two way mirror is when one side looks like a mirror, but you can see through to the other side. It's used in interrogation rooms. So what exactly is a three way mirror? A mirror only has two sides so...I think she means like one of those big mirrors that have three parts joined together. Smeyer's such a dumbass.
LOL Edward the prude. Angela is changing dresses so he refrains from reading her mind. WHAT DOES HE THINK SHE'S THINKING THAT'S SO BAD? "Oh, my boobs are awesome" or whatever. It's not like she's going to be thinking like, porny thoughts as she's changing.
WTF? Angela's like, "Bella seems kind of blue today." NO ONE SAYS "BLUE" ANYMORE.
New Age is capitalized, bitch.
For being rapists, their thoughts are surprisingly tame. I almost said "lame" but I guess that works too.
I recognized the cross street he stared toward.
This sentence seems off, somehow. If she insists on the dangling participles, I think "at" instead of "toward" would be better. Of course, "Toward which he stared" would be the best option, but Smeyer usually shies away from those.
ROFL. One of the rapists is like, "I think I'm going to throw up." WHAT?
"Tiger-kitten outrage". How does she think up these ridiculous word combinations? Also, good band name.
These two just URGH. They're BOTH like, "She/he is too good for me!" WHEN THEY ARE BOTH TOTALLY OBSESSED WITH EACH OTHER.
Edward's chagrined (ha) because Bella opened her own car door instead of waiting for him.
Jessica and Angela are all, "He's so hot!" and Edward's like, "Now why can't I do that to Bella?" HE HONESTLY KNOWS NOTHING. Like okay, most people decipher the clues without reading someone's mind and ISN'T IT OBVIOUS THAT BELLA IS TOTALLY INTO YOU?
Lol, the hostess is like, "My! My oh my." Wtf? "Oh my, just look at that absolutely divine man! He is just so cotton pickin' handsome. I do wish that he would ask me to dance!" That was said in a Southern accent, by the way.
"Welcome to Generic Italian Restaurant."
How could this small minded woman find my physical lures - my snares for prey - so attractive, and yet be unable to see the soft perfection of the woman beside me?
Because she's not a lesbo?
I thought four books of constant Edward description was bad enough, but now we have to hear about Bella's beauty all the time. At least Edward's descriptions were lulzy. Bella's are just tedious.
SMEYER, YOU HAVEN'T USED THE WORD "DAZZLE" ENOUGH YET.
Argh, this is just SO BORING.
I wanted her to know me.
In the Biblical sense?
Fuck, SERIOUSLY? Her skin is like, "silk stretched over glass." Smeyer is like almost as much in love with Bella as she is with Edward.
Let's do a quick count to see how many times "burn" or a derivative is used in Midnight Sun. 33. Way to go, Smeyer. Try switching up the words for a bit.
HOLY SHIT. MINDFUCK. There are apparently two chapter nines. I was SO CONFUSED. I need to figure this out. Okay, it goes "Chapter 9, Chapter 9, Chapter 11." So I guess...
Chapter 9 (Again)- Theory
SHUT UP WITH CHAGRIN, OKAY? Half the time, she doesn't even use it correctly anyway.
"Holy crow!"
I had no idea if Bram Stoker or Anne Rice was there in her stack of worn paperbacks.
NOT LIKELY. Also, it's "if Bram Stoker or Anne Rice were there". DAMMIT.
FUCK. So Bella's telling Edward about when she flirted the vampire info out of Jacob and then:
I could just imagine - considering the attraction she seemed to have for all things male, totally unconscious on her part - how overwhelming she would be when she tried to be attractive. I was suddenly full of pity for the unsuspecting boy she unleashed such a powerful force on.
Didn't we just spend four books hearing about how Bella was so plain, not special, not pretty, blah blah de blah blah? Why are we now hearing about how she's like the most beautiful thing in the universe? Way to fuck with YOUR OWN canon, Smeyer.
Oh, and basically anything ever written in vampire literature or folklore that's thousands of years old is myth. So, if the vampires don't have any vampire characteristics, ARE THEY REALLY VAMPIRES AT ALL? I'm not quite sure how to classify them. Super strong, sparkly immortal beings?
It said "familiar fiery thirst" and for some reason I thought that said "fetish."
"How to make her see that I'm dangerous?" Well Edward, you could try attacking her or maybe NOT STALKING HER AND BEING FRIENDS WITH HER.
Bella's like, "I've observed that men are crabbier when they're hungry." NO SHIT. EVERYONE IS. Also...crabbier? And Edward's like "She's exceptionally observant." No. No she's not.
Edward made Bella cry.
This seriously reads like fanfiction. Like a fourteen year old girl wanted to rewrite Twilight from Edward's perspective, and this is the result.
Remember when Bella said that Edward's breath was delicious? APPARENTLY BELLA'S IS TOO.
Let's see how many times someone chuckles. Sixteen. Chuckle no longer looks like a word.
Three times, he's likened her skin to "silk over glass." WE GET IT. I PROMISE WE DIDN'T FORGET THE LAST TWO TIMES YOU SAID IT.
Whoa, this is unexpected. I think Edward is going back to deal with the rapists. And Carlisle too, I guess to keep Edward in check. Nope, just Carlisle. I skim so I miss things. I don't know what Carlisle's planning on doing. He's going to sedate the guy and then...what? Or is he euthanizing him? That's also morally questionable. Carlisle isn't the great guy everyone says he is, I think.
Okay, this is so bizarro I'm going to transcribe it:
For one moment, the hag-faced fate (try saying THAT five times fast) I'd imagined, the one who sought Bella's destruction, was replaced by the most foolish and reckless of angels. A guardian angel - something Carlisle's version of me might have had. With a heedless smile on her lips, her sky-coloured eyes full of mischief, the angel formed Bella in such a fashion that there was no way that I could possibly overlook her. A ridiculously potent smell to demand my attention, a silent mind to inflame my curiosity, a quiet beauty to hold my eyes, a selfless soul to earn my awe.
Hell no. HELL NO. Edward compared to angels, okay. He's a wet dream, so whatever. But saying Bella was CREATED BY THE ANGELS NO NO NO NO NO. She's a selfish bitch who is supposed to be plain Jane. as;ldfjas;dhfasiofhsf I feel like a voyeur just READING this shit.
Thank God it's over. I was about to keel over from pure ennui.
Showing posts with label Midnight Sun. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Midnight Sun. Show all posts
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Midnight Sun Chapters 7 and 8
Wow, something I missed from the end of chapter 6. Edward PICKS HER POCKET AND STEALS HER KEY. CREEPY.
Lol, remember when Edward was disgusted about Jessica's sick fantasies? Here's what they entail:
1. Wanting Edward to put his arms around her.
2. Pulling Edward to her and wishing Edward could hold her chin.
3. Imagining Edward push her hair aside and trace her lips with his finger.
4. Wishing Edward could kiss her. Probably closed mouth.
Yeah. Yeah, those are some pretty intense fantasies all right.
Did I want Bella to be attracted to me, a woman to a man?
Everything she says is so contrived. This just sounds so...ugh. Cliched.
Eddie's sad because he can't hear Bella's thoughts to make sure she's safe. Well, she's with her father, in her house, so I assume she's safe. Although maybe not so much since A STALKER'S WATCHING HER.
WTF IS THIS SHIT?
Okay, Emmett and Jasper are playing chess with eight boards, which, AWESOME. And then Edward's like, "They wouldn't let me play. Only Alice would play games with me anymore." HOW OLD ARE YOU, FIVE?
This is so Brady Bunch I just want to puke. Emmett and Jasper are playing chess, Alice is whispering Emmett's moves to Jasper while she designs clothes on a touch sensitive screen and Edward goes to be emo and play the piano.
Holy shit. Esme is practically orgasming over how happy she is that Edward is playing. She seriously does nothing. She has no personality. She has no purpose. There's a bunch of stuff about Edward playing the piano but I'm pretty sure Smeyer doesn't know anything about music because this makes no sense.
Following the melody with the BASS LINE? Fuck you Smeyer. Piano music doesn't have a BASS LINE. If it's a singing score, there will be a soprano, tenor, baritone, and bass. Piano has a treble and bass CLEF. Not a bass LINE. GODDAMMIT.
Rosalie's fury is chagrined. I don't think chagrin means what Smeyer thinks it means.
Lol. Esme's like, "Don't STOP, Edward!"
Alice comes and sings a descant in her "trilling voice" which means THAT SHE'S SWITCHING RAPIDLY BETWEEN TWO NOTES. That's one fucking bizarro song.
Alice sings a descant, which is sung above the melody, and yet Eddie adds it to the harmony. Yeah, good luck with that.
ROFL.
I played the last note, then bowed my head over the keys.
WHO DOES THAT? No one is that emo.
Esme's all, "She HAS to love you! She's be stupid not to see what a catch you are. I'm so happy you have found love because no one should be alone!" What is she, a Victorian mother talking to her unmarried daughter?
Then Edward plays Esme her favourite song, an "unnamed tribute to the love I'd watched between her and Carlisle for so many years." GAG.
Edward mentions something about a "fox in the manger scenario". I have no idea what that means.
Edward's ranting on about how Rosalie is so beautiful and egotistical and the way they keep bringing that up I can't help but think this is supposed to be a jab at people who hated Smeyer in high school. I'm all for that but...you'd think she could make it a little more subtle.
Emmett is hunting for bears. I love him so much.
Edward all of a sudden has a shitfit because of the numerous ways that Bella can die. Because I'm sure Washington gets hit by hurricanes and tornadoes all the time. Also, it's spelled LIGHTNING, bitch. NOT LIGHTENING.
ROFL.
Emmett and Rosalie shared an intensely physical love. He had a hard time understanding how anyone could love, without that aspect.
This mocks itself.
So Edward brings back OIL SO THAT HER WINDOW WILL OPEN BETTER. Also, remember in Twilight (which you probably don't, because I didn't) when Bella opens her window and she's like, "it didn't stick this time. I don't know why"? IT'S BECAUSE EDWARD OILED IT.
Bella sleeps with her hands under her cheek, just like EVERY STEREOTYPICAL PICTURE OF A CHILD SLEEPING YOU HAVE EVER SEEN IN YOUR LIFE. Yeah. No one does that, least of all a seventeen year old girl.
"Aging sages" is a good band name. I call dibs.
Chapter 8- Ghost
Hey, maybe Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore will make a cameo appearance.
Honestly, Edward follows her like, everywhere. THE WATCHING HER SLEEP THING IS BAD ENOUGH.
Okay, I get it. Stalking is fun sometimes. Stacey and I had a mildly pedo crush on this guy who was two years younger than me and three years younger than her. Sometimes we followed him around. And yet WE DIDN'T FOLLOW HIM AROUND OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL.
Mike's all, "Hey, I didn't notice, but your hair has a little red in it." Well, that's a GREAT pickup line, Mike!
Even in his MIND, Mike says, "Dang." Okay, swearing is okay. Unless this is like, Pleasantville, teenagers swear. I haven't met one who doesn't. And you don't have to go all Aaron Rayburn with the swearing. But you know, go nuts. Throw in a "dammit" or two. Otherwise the dialogue sounds so lame.
Edward "broke another tree". What exactly does this mean? Did he tear off a branch? Or did he break the trunk in half? Because if he tore it in half and it fell I'm pretty sure Mike and Bella would notice something.
Here are Mike's thoughts after Bella tells him Jessica likes him:
"What? But...oh. Okay. I guess...so...huh."
And: "Jessica. Huh. Wow. Huh."
I'm not sure about you guys, but I generally don't stutter in my thoughts. Or go "huh."
More of Mike's thoughts, about Jessica: "She's cute though, I guess. Decent body. A bird in the hand..."
HE EVEN THINKS IN CLICHES. WHO SAYS THAT? WHO ACTUALLY THINKS TO THEMSELVES, "A BIRD IN THE HAND IS WORTH TWO IN THE BUSH, I GUESS"? I don't even SAY cliches, let alone think them to myself. That is BEYOND stupid.
Okay, why does Smeyer think that us watching Bella read Austen through Edward's eyes is exciting reading?
Bella's sunbathing in a long sleeved shirt. I hope that works well for her.
YES. THANK GOD, MY DAY IS COMPLETE. The phrase "rainbow sparkles" IS ACTUALLY USED. I have to say, I thought that phrase was a myth. Someone mentioned it on the anti-Twilight Facebook group and I remember thinking that couldn't be but CLEARLY, I AM JUST GIVING SMEYER TOO MUCH CREDIT. It's like he's talking about hundreds and thousands or something.
Holy shit, he just stole her book. Yeah I'M SURE SHE WON'T NOTICE.
Edward is such an adolescent girl. This book just makes it more clear.
Fuck. The Cullens went to Calgary. I wish she could just leave Canada out of this. Goddammit, she's already tainted vampires and Jack's Mannequin for me. JUST LEAVE EVERYTHING I LOVE OUT OF THIS.
She should stop using the word "defection". Every time I see it I think it says, "defecation". Which is more appropriate, I suppose.
Now Edward's stalking Bella to Seattle, yay. He doesn't get more than "madman" or "idiot" from anyone for his stalking behaviour. You'd think someone would sit him down and be like, "Dude. Edward. You're being creepy."
Lol, remember when Edward was disgusted about Jessica's sick fantasies? Here's what they entail:
1. Wanting Edward to put his arms around her.
2. Pulling Edward to her and wishing Edward could hold her chin.
3. Imagining Edward push her hair aside and trace her lips with his finger.
4. Wishing Edward could kiss her. Probably closed mouth.
Yeah. Yeah, those are some pretty intense fantasies all right.
Did I want Bella to be attracted to me, a woman to a man?
Everything she says is so contrived. This just sounds so...ugh. Cliched.
Eddie's sad because he can't hear Bella's thoughts to make sure she's safe. Well, she's with her father, in her house, so I assume she's safe. Although maybe not so much since A STALKER'S WATCHING HER.
WTF IS THIS SHIT?
Okay, Emmett and Jasper are playing chess with eight boards, which, AWESOME. And then Edward's like, "They wouldn't let me play. Only Alice would play games with me anymore." HOW OLD ARE YOU, FIVE?
This is so Brady Bunch I just want to puke. Emmett and Jasper are playing chess, Alice is whispering Emmett's moves to Jasper while she designs clothes on a touch sensitive screen and Edward goes to be emo and play the piano.
Holy shit. Esme is practically orgasming over how happy she is that Edward is playing. She seriously does nothing. She has no personality. She has no purpose. There's a bunch of stuff about Edward playing the piano but I'm pretty sure Smeyer doesn't know anything about music because this makes no sense.
Following the melody with the BASS LINE? Fuck you Smeyer. Piano music doesn't have a BASS LINE. If it's a singing score, there will be a soprano, tenor, baritone, and bass. Piano has a treble and bass CLEF. Not a bass LINE. GODDAMMIT.
Rosalie's fury is chagrined. I don't think chagrin means what Smeyer thinks it means.
Lol. Esme's like, "Don't STOP, Edward!"
Alice comes and sings a descant in her "trilling voice" which means THAT SHE'S SWITCHING RAPIDLY BETWEEN TWO NOTES. That's one fucking bizarro song.
Alice sings a descant, which is sung above the melody, and yet Eddie adds it to the harmony. Yeah, good luck with that.
ROFL.
I played the last note, then bowed my head over the keys.
WHO DOES THAT? No one is that emo.
Esme's all, "She HAS to love you! She's be stupid not to see what a catch you are. I'm so happy you have found love because no one should be alone!" What is she, a Victorian mother talking to her unmarried daughter?
Then Edward plays Esme her favourite song, an "unnamed tribute to the love I'd watched between her and Carlisle for so many years." GAG.
Edward mentions something about a "fox in the manger scenario". I have no idea what that means.
Edward's ranting on about how Rosalie is so beautiful and egotistical and the way they keep bringing that up I can't help but think this is supposed to be a jab at people who hated Smeyer in high school. I'm all for that but...you'd think she could make it a little more subtle.
Emmett is hunting for bears. I love him so much.
Edward all of a sudden has a shitfit because of the numerous ways that Bella can die. Because I'm sure Washington gets hit by hurricanes and tornadoes all the time. Also, it's spelled LIGHTNING, bitch. NOT LIGHTENING.
ROFL.
Emmett and Rosalie shared an intensely physical love. He had a hard time understanding how anyone could love, without that aspect.
This mocks itself.
So Edward brings back OIL SO THAT HER WINDOW WILL OPEN BETTER. Also, remember in Twilight (which you probably don't, because I didn't) when Bella opens her window and she's like, "it didn't stick this time. I don't know why"? IT'S BECAUSE EDWARD OILED IT.
Bella sleeps with her hands under her cheek, just like EVERY STEREOTYPICAL PICTURE OF A CHILD SLEEPING YOU HAVE EVER SEEN IN YOUR LIFE. Yeah. No one does that, least of all a seventeen year old girl.
"Aging sages" is a good band name. I call dibs.
Chapter 8- Ghost
Hey, maybe Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore will make a cameo appearance.
Honestly, Edward follows her like, everywhere. THE WATCHING HER SLEEP THING IS BAD ENOUGH.
Okay, I get it. Stalking is fun sometimes. Stacey and I had a mildly pedo crush on this guy who was two years younger than me and three years younger than her. Sometimes we followed him around. And yet WE DIDN'T FOLLOW HIM AROUND OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL.
Mike's all, "Hey, I didn't notice, but your hair has a little red in it." Well, that's a GREAT pickup line, Mike!
Even in his MIND, Mike says, "Dang." Okay, swearing is okay. Unless this is like, Pleasantville, teenagers swear. I haven't met one who doesn't. And you don't have to go all Aaron Rayburn with the swearing. But you know, go nuts. Throw in a "dammit" or two. Otherwise the dialogue sounds so lame.
Edward "broke another tree". What exactly does this mean? Did he tear off a branch? Or did he break the trunk in half? Because if he tore it in half and it fell I'm pretty sure Mike and Bella would notice something.
Here are Mike's thoughts after Bella tells him Jessica likes him:
"What? But...oh. Okay. I guess...so...huh."
And: "Jessica. Huh. Wow. Huh."
I'm not sure about you guys, but I generally don't stutter in my thoughts. Or go "huh."
More of Mike's thoughts, about Jessica: "She's cute though, I guess. Decent body. A bird in the hand..."
HE EVEN THINKS IN CLICHES. WHO SAYS THAT? WHO ACTUALLY THINKS TO THEMSELVES, "A BIRD IN THE HAND IS WORTH TWO IN THE BUSH, I GUESS"? I don't even SAY cliches, let alone think them to myself. That is BEYOND stupid.
Okay, why does Smeyer think that us watching Bella read Austen through Edward's eyes is exciting reading?
Bella's sunbathing in a long sleeved shirt. I hope that works well for her.
YES. THANK GOD, MY DAY IS COMPLETE. The phrase "rainbow sparkles" IS ACTUALLY USED. I have to say, I thought that phrase was a myth. Someone mentioned it on the anti-Twilight Facebook group and I remember thinking that couldn't be but CLEARLY, I AM JUST GIVING SMEYER TOO MUCH CREDIT. It's like he's talking about hundreds and thousands or something.
Holy shit, he just stole her book. Yeah I'M SURE SHE WON'T NOTICE.
Edward is such an adolescent girl. This book just makes it more clear.
Fuck. The Cullens went to Calgary. I wish she could just leave Canada out of this. Goddammit, she's already tainted vampires and Jack's Mannequin for me. JUST LEAVE EVERYTHING I LOVE OUT OF THIS.
She should stop using the word "defection". Every time I see it I think it says, "defecation". Which is more appropriate, I suppose.
Now Edward's stalking Bella to Seattle, yay. He doesn't get more than "madman" or "idiot" from anyone for his stalking behaviour. You'd think someone would sit him down and be like, "Dude. Edward. You're being creepy."
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Midnight Sun Chapters 5 and 6
Chapter 5- Invitations
So now Edward's trying to prove Alice wrong and resist Bella, but of course her Mary Sue pwoers are too strong for him!
No. NO. Edward runs to make himself feel better NO NO NO NO. That's what MULDER does and that's what I THINK Dresden does. STOP STEALING FROM BETTER STORIES.
YES.
I hung onto every breath she took, every word she said.
Every breath you take! And how fitting, seeing as how the song is about a stalker.
Edward has four torments, apparently. One is her silence. Two is her scent. Three is his thirst. Four is curiosity as to what she is thinking.
Mike Newton is another torment and then Edward rants about how infuriating Mike Newton and his little fantasies are. What, is he fantasizing about closed mouth kissing her again?
WHAT IS EDWARD SMOKING?
He hadn't observed the unselfishness and bravery that set her apart from other humans, didn't hear the abnormal maturity of her thoughts.
Ignoring the comma splice, UNSELFISHNESS, BRAVERY, AND MATURITY? Is this not the girl who a) Wants to be a vampire, not caring what her family or friends will feel, b) had to hide in the mountains while the vampire fight was going on in Eclipse, and c) had a shit fit and stomped her foot when Jacob told her that he couldn't age? Unselfishness, bravery, and maturity MY ASS.
He didn't hear the patience in her voice when she feigned interest in his rambling stories, and didn't guess at the kindness behind that patience.
WHAT? It's a good thing he can't read her mind. Kind? She's ripping Mike apart in her mind whenever she listens to him, we know that much from the first three books. "Kind" is not the first word I would use to describe her. Selfish, stupid, annoying, yes. Not kind.
All the other things added up to the whole - kind and self-effacing and unselfish and loving and brave - she was good through and through.
MY ASS. MY ASS, SHE IS ALL THAT STUFF. She is not kind or self-effacing or unselfish or loving or brave. At all. I have never seen a novel so rife with informed abilities. Or a novel written by an author whose vision of her character is so incongruous with what she actually writes. HOW CAN ONE PERSON BE SO DELUSIONAL? ;ASDF;ASDF'ODSFKHSDFKLJHSDFKJFD BRAIN EXPLODING.
I'm confused. He says he has four torments, then he names said torments, and then he adds like three more. Learning to count is basic elementary school stuff. If you can't handle that, you shouldn't be writing novels. So his last torment is Bella's indifference. Whoa, buddy. I've been inside her head. 99% of Twilight is spent with her thinking about you. I have never seen two people so lacking in self-awareness.
Edward is glad that Bella keeps staring at him, but he's not sure what it means. Whoa, he really doesn't know ANYTHING in the girl department, does he? Staring at someone usually means YOU'RE INTERESTED, HELLO. No guy is that clueless. Seriously. NO GUY.
Mundane high school stuff. Jessica asked Mike to the Sadie Hawkins dance but he's waiting for Bella to ask him and Edward's all "he's so weak, afraid to make his feelings known!" Um, and here's Edward, obsessed with Bella but not able to do anything about it. Wow. There's the lack of self-awareness again.
Edward's going bipolar again as he thinks about someone else having Bella, whoa TONE DOWN THE CRAZY, BUDDY.
I hate how he keeps calling Bella selfless. Not ONCE has she displayed any evidence of being selfless.
Oh PLEASE, Edward. He keeps talking about the monster inside him. He's a sparkly vampire who has no trouble resisting humans. He's no more a monster than Jiminy Cricket.
OOH, THE LITTLE WIMMINZ IS ANGRY! Fuuuuuuuuuuck.
"No Bella, I am not talking to you. I mean, I am, but I'm going to say I'm not just to confuse you and the readers."
The sound of my name on her lips did strange things to my body.
If you're 100 and some years old and you don't know what a boner is, there is something seriously wrong. Also...why would the way she says his name arouse him? I have never had that experience.
Edward's all pissed because Bella's like, "I bet you wish you let me die!" which, in retrospect is a completely emo and adolescent thing to say.
She was entirely other.
What the hell does that mean?
THE LITTLE WIMMINZ IS MAD AGAIN!
I don't think all this shit about Edward being obsessed with Bella and her being too good for him and all that would be so irritating if SHE WASN'T THE MOST ANNOYING FUCKING PROTAGONIST EVER CREATED.
Oh shit, the stalking scene.
This is so so so creepy. He's CLIMBING ON HER ROOF AND LOOKING IN HER WINDOW. Okay, if I woke up and saw some random dude looking into my window I would scream and then call the cops. I don't know if this is supposed to be romantic, or what, but it's really not. And he's not just looking into her window. HE'S GOING INSIDE HER ROOM AND SITTING IN HER ROCKING CHAIR. Like okay, I have a lawn chair against the wall, and I can just imagine someone sitting there and watching me and it gives me the willies.
Like the intended victim in a horror movie she would run away, shrieking in terror.
Well, shrieking with something. Hilarity, maybe?
Could a dead, frozen heart break? It felt like mine would [...] Could a dead, frozen heart beat again? It felt like mine was about to.
No. Just no.
My life was an unending, unchanging midnight. It must, by necessity, always be midnight for me. So how was it possible that the sun was rising now, in the middle of my midnight?
Gee, you think Edward's life is a midnight? Calling the Department of Redundancy Department!
Always watching her, I began to plot.
Wow. Frightening.
Perhaps love had silenced him [the monster] forever.
Oh good Lord, the CLICHES.
He watches her sleep until dawn. Can we assume that he sat in her rocking chair for like five hours and creeped on her?
Did she hear how my voice wrapped around her name like a caress?
Seriously? I don't even know anymore. This book mocks itself.
Bella asks if he has multiple personality disorder. DUH, it's bipolar disorder and psychopathy, KEEP UP.
She is such a fucking dimwit. He's like, "I heard you're going to Seattle, do you need a ride?" and she's like, "with who?" I WONDER, DIPSHIT. PROBABLY THE PERSON WHO OFFERED YOU A RIDE.
"The wasting of finite resources are everyone's business.
And yet there you go, buying her a quasi-Hummer in Breaking Dawn. Good to know the environment is such a priority for you.
Smeyer used the word "smote". Okay.
"Hey Bella, you shouldn't be my friend. But do you want to go to Seattle with me? But seriously, stay away."
Thank God, this chapter is over.
Chapter 6- Blood Type
This is so creepy. He stares at Bella until she looks and then he crooks his finger at her. THE MENTAL IMAGES.
"Here, come eat lunch with me, Bella. BUT STAY AWAY. But okay, we can be friends. BUT I'M DANGEROUS." SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?
"It's healthy to ditch a class once in awhile."
Don't I know it. Doooon't I know it.
I just thank God that Edward's favourite classical composer is Debussy and not Beethoven. Beethoven is my favourite, dammit.
Bella faints and EVERYONE FREAKS THE FUCK OUT. Eddo the Pedo almost tears the door off the car and like yells her name and Mike is all worried and SERIOUSLY, SHE WILL BE FINE, I HAVE FAINTED BEFORE AND THERE IS NO LASTING DAMAGE.
"They're blood typing in biology."
"There's always one."
Really? They just prick their fingers. I've been to two blood drives and no one fainted from getting their fingers pricked. Come to think of it, I don't even think anyone fainted from GIVING blood. No one is so scared of blood that a little prick makes them faint. I've accidentally stapled my fingers. I would know.
Some ICE for her FOREHEAD? She fainted. She doesn't have a fever. You have to ELEVATE HER FEET WHAT KIND OF FUCKING NURSE ARE YOU?
Ms. Cope is thinking lecherous thoughts about Edward again.
Oh, good God. More OOC. Bella raises her face to the rain and smiles. Doesn't she hate the wet? CONTINUITY, Smeyer. It is your friend.
Bella never wore makeup, nor should she. The cosmetics industry made billions of dollars a year from women who were trying to attain skin like hers.
The Sue-ness is even more apparent in Midnight Sun and it makes me cringe inside. She just SCREAMS self-insert and wish-fulfillment. What, did Smeyer have acne problems in high school or something?
Oh, I can't wait until Edward questions her for days on end about every little mundane detail of her existence. I'm so excited to hear what Bella's favourite colour is.
He keeps talking about how unselfish she is. She is one of the most selfish characters I have ever encountered in literature. Does Eddo even KNOW her?
Now there's a super long conversation where they ask each other questions about each other's lives, and WE'VE READ THIS ALREADY IN TWILIGHT, MOVE ON.
Holy fuck. This recap took me an hour and a half.
So now Edward's trying to prove Alice wrong and resist Bella, but of course her Mary Sue pwoers are too strong for him!
No. NO. Edward runs to make himself feel better NO NO NO NO. That's what MULDER does and that's what I THINK Dresden does. STOP STEALING FROM BETTER STORIES.
YES.
I hung onto every breath she took, every word she said.
Every breath you take! And how fitting, seeing as how the song is about a stalker.
Edward has four torments, apparently. One is her silence. Two is her scent. Three is his thirst. Four is curiosity as to what she is thinking.
Mike Newton is another torment and then Edward rants about how infuriating Mike Newton and his little fantasies are. What, is he fantasizing about closed mouth kissing her again?
WHAT IS EDWARD SMOKING?
He hadn't observed the unselfishness and bravery that set her apart from other humans, didn't hear the abnormal maturity of her thoughts.
Ignoring the comma splice, UNSELFISHNESS, BRAVERY, AND MATURITY? Is this not the girl who a) Wants to be a vampire, not caring what her family or friends will feel, b) had to hide in the mountains while the vampire fight was going on in Eclipse, and c) had a shit fit and stomped her foot when Jacob told her that he couldn't age? Unselfishness, bravery, and maturity MY ASS.
He didn't hear the patience in her voice when she feigned interest in his rambling stories, and didn't guess at the kindness behind that patience.
WHAT? It's a good thing he can't read her mind. Kind? She's ripping Mike apart in her mind whenever she listens to him, we know that much from the first three books. "Kind" is not the first word I would use to describe her. Selfish, stupid, annoying, yes. Not kind.
All the other things added up to the whole - kind and self-effacing and unselfish and loving and brave - she was good through and through.
MY ASS. MY ASS, SHE IS ALL THAT STUFF. She is not kind or self-effacing or unselfish or loving or brave. At all. I have never seen a novel so rife with informed abilities. Or a novel written by an author whose vision of her character is so incongruous with what she actually writes. HOW CAN ONE PERSON BE SO DELUSIONAL? ;ASDF;ASDF'ODSFKHSDFKLJHSDFKJFD BRAIN EXPLODING.
I'm confused. He says he has four torments, then he names said torments, and then he adds like three more. Learning to count is basic elementary school stuff. If you can't handle that, you shouldn't be writing novels. So his last torment is Bella's indifference. Whoa, buddy. I've been inside her head. 99% of Twilight is spent with her thinking about you. I have never seen two people so lacking in self-awareness.
Edward is glad that Bella keeps staring at him, but he's not sure what it means. Whoa, he really doesn't know ANYTHING in the girl department, does he? Staring at someone usually means YOU'RE INTERESTED, HELLO. No guy is that clueless. Seriously. NO GUY.
Mundane high school stuff. Jessica asked Mike to the Sadie Hawkins dance but he's waiting for Bella to ask him and Edward's all "he's so weak, afraid to make his feelings known!" Um, and here's Edward, obsessed with Bella but not able to do anything about it. Wow. There's the lack of self-awareness again.
Edward's going bipolar again as he thinks about someone else having Bella, whoa TONE DOWN THE CRAZY, BUDDY.
I hate how he keeps calling Bella selfless. Not ONCE has she displayed any evidence of being selfless.
Oh PLEASE, Edward. He keeps talking about the monster inside him. He's a sparkly vampire who has no trouble resisting humans. He's no more a monster than Jiminy Cricket.
OOH, THE LITTLE WIMMINZ IS ANGRY! Fuuuuuuuuuuck.
"No Bella, I am not talking to you. I mean, I am, but I'm going to say I'm not just to confuse you and the readers."
The sound of my name on her lips did strange things to my body.
If you're 100 and some years old and you don't know what a boner is, there is something seriously wrong. Also...why would the way she says his name arouse him? I have never had that experience.
Edward's all pissed because Bella's like, "I bet you wish you let me die!" which, in retrospect is a completely emo and adolescent thing to say.
She was entirely other.
What the hell does that mean?
THE LITTLE WIMMINZ IS MAD AGAIN!
I don't think all this shit about Edward being obsessed with Bella and her being too good for him and all that would be so irritating if SHE WASN'T THE MOST ANNOYING FUCKING PROTAGONIST EVER CREATED.
Oh shit, the stalking scene.
This is so so so creepy. He's CLIMBING ON HER ROOF AND LOOKING IN HER WINDOW. Okay, if I woke up and saw some random dude looking into my window I would scream and then call the cops. I don't know if this is supposed to be romantic, or what, but it's really not. And he's not just looking into her window. HE'S GOING INSIDE HER ROOM AND SITTING IN HER ROCKING CHAIR. Like okay, I have a lawn chair against the wall, and I can just imagine someone sitting there and watching me and it gives me the willies.
Like the intended victim in a horror movie she would run away, shrieking in terror.
Well, shrieking with something. Hilarity, maybe?
Could a dead, frozen heart break? It felt like mine would [...] Could a dead, frozen heart beat again? It felt like mine was about to.
No. Just no.
My life was an unending, unchanging midnight. It must, by necessity, always be midnight for me. So how was it possible that the sun was rising now, in the middle of my midnight?
Gee, you think Edward's life is a midnight? Calling the Department of Redundancy Department!
Always watching her, I began to plot.
Wow. Frightening.
Perhaps love had silenced him [the monster] forever.
Oh good Lord, the CLICHES.
He watches her sleep until dawn. Can we assume that he sat in her rocking chair for like five hours and creeped on her?
Did she hear how my voice wrapped around her name like a caress?
Seriously? I don't even know anymore. This book mocks itself.
Bella asks if he has multiple personality disorder. DUH, it's bipolar disorder and psychopathy, KEEP UP.
She is such a fucking dimwit. He's like, "I heard you're going to Seattle, do you need a ride?" and she's like, "with who?" I WONDER, DIPSHIT. PROBABLY THE PERSON WHO OFFERED YOU A RIDE.
"The wasting of finite resources are everyone's business.
And yet there you go, buying her a quasi-Hummer in Breaking Dawn. Good to know the environment is such a priority for you.
Smeyer used the word "smote". Okay.
"Hey Bella, you shouldn't be my friend. But do you want to go to Seattle with me? But seriously, stay away."
Thank God, this chapter is over.
Chapter 6- Blood Type
This is so creepy. He stares at Bella until she looks and then he crooks his finger at her. THE MENTAL IMAGES.
"Here, come eat lunch with me, Bella. BUT STAY AWAY. But okay, we can be friends. BUT I'M DANGEROUS." SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?
"It's healthy to ditch a class once in awhile."
Don't I know it. Doooon't I know it.
I just thank God that Edward's favourite classical composer is Debussy and not Beethoven. Beethoven is my favourite, dammit.
Bella faints and EVERYONE FREAKS THE FUCK OUT. Eddo the Pedo almost tears the door off the car and like yells her name and Mike is all worried and SERIOUSLY, SHE WILL BE FINE, I HAVE FAINTED BEFORE AND THERE IS NO LASTING DAMAGE.
"They're blood typing in biology."
"There's always one."
Really? They just prick their fingers. I've been to two blood drives and no one fainted from getting their fingers pricked. Come to think of it, I don't even think anyone fainted from GIVING blood. No one is so scared of blood that a little prick makes them faint. I've accidentally stapled my fingers. I would know.
Some ICE for her FOREHEAD? She fainted. She doesn't have a fever. You have to ELEVATE HER FEET WHAT KIND OF FUCKING NURSE ARE YOU?
Ms. Cope is thinking lecherous thoughts about Edward again.
Oh, good God. More OOC. Bella raises her face to the rain and smiles. Doesn't she hate the wet? CONTINUITY, Smeyer. It is your friend.
Bella never wore makeup, nor should she. The cosmetics industry made billions of dollars a year from women who were trying to attain skin like hers.
The Sue-ness is even more apparent in Midnight Sun and it makes me cringe inside. She just SCREAMS self-insert and wish-fulfillment. What, did Smeyer have acne problems in high school or something?
Oh, I can't wait until Edward questions her for days on end about every little mundane detail of her existence. I'm so excited to hear what Bella's favourite colour is.
He keeps talking about how unselfish she is. She is one of the most selfish characters I have ever encountered in literature. Does Eddo even KNOW her?
Now there's a super long conversation where they ask each other questions about each other's lives, and WE'VE READ THIS ALREADY IN TWILIGHT, MOVE ON.
Holy fuck. This recap took me an hour and a half.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Midnight Sun Chapters 3 and 4
Chapter 3- Phenomenon
I'm losing my will to live already and I haven't even started today's recap yet. Dammit.
LOL. Smeyer cannot write from a guy's perspective. Edward is flashing back to when he left and he's having a conversation with Carlisle and it's like Carlisle is his lover and doesn't want Edward to leave. I wish I could copy and paste because it's hilarious.
Okay, it's too good. I will transcribe this BY HAND.
I felt his surprise and sudden worry.
"Edward?"
"I have to go now, Carlisle. I have to go now."
"What's happened?"
"Nothing. Yet. But I will if I stay."
He'd reached for my arm. I felt how it had hurt him when I'd cringed away from his hand.
"I don't understand."
See? Wow. That's some weird vibes right there.
OH, THE ANGST.
Oh, bullSHIT. They called Jasper Jazz. They only started calling him that circa Breaking Dawn. Not in Twilight. If I wasn't lazy, I could prove it.
Edward makes reference to Alice's tiny tongue, which seems like a strange, strange, descriptor to use. Unless she's afflicted with navel mouth like pretty much everyone in the Chickverse. I am now struck with the desire for a Chick/Twilight crossover. Like, maybe Igor from First Bite joins the Cullens after he accepts Jesus Christ and tries to convert them all and then I WOULD say Van Helsing comes over and rips his head off but I don't want to taint Dracula by mentioning it in the same sentence, which I just did. So Van Helsing comes and rips his head off and then proceeds to kill all the other Cullens and then Pastor Bob and Li'l Susie and maybe that child molester from Lisa and Gunslinger and The Bull for good measure go and try to convert Van Helsing and he shoots them all with a crossbow, which I don't think book!Helsing actually has. That sounds like an awesome story. Bella has to die somewhere in there but I can't flesh out this idea. I must continue.
Okay, apparently Emmett and Rose are just staring into each other's eyes. I don't think people actually does that. Edward angsts about being the only unmatched vampire in the family. Well, that's what the SCRAPBOOKS are for, Edward!
Edward keeps talking about how good Bella smells. So...if I suddenly make myself smell like brownies, will I get a man? Since apparently that's the only reason you should be attracted to someone in the Twiverse.
Edward says that he was having fun watching Bella check her snow tires. That's what I do for entertainment, myself. I watch people look at snow tires. Fun for HOURS, let me tell you. Bella is also apparently getting emotional over her snow tires, apparently. Well, I cry over tires as well. Oh RIGHT, because Charlie gave them to her! Wow, I'm just...not used to continuity.
Oh goody, Tyler's van of doom is coming. Maybe the description in this book will be less convoluted and breaking the laws of physics than in Twilight. To recap, the van apparently hits her truck, wraps itself around the front, bounces backward and then comes at it again? I don't know.
Sadly, he doesn't describe the crash so I guess we're still going to assume that the rules of physics don't apply in Forks.
A word I had never said in the presence of a lady slid between my clenched teeth.
Darn? Drat? I also like how she can't even WRITE down a swear.
Okay, so we have a little description of the crash, but I'm too tired to try to decipher it. It took me several readings and visual aids to understand the crash in Twilight.
She had noticed too much.
No shit. You ran with superhuman speed across the parking lot and shoved a van off of her. But I'm sure NO ONE noticed. Dumbass.
You'd think after being a vampire for a hundred years you'd come up with better excuses to avoid detection. Better than, "I was right beside you." I think she'd remember if you were RIGHT BESIDE HER.
WHAT? She uses the word "alright". THAT IS NOT A WORD GODDAMMIT. ISN'T SHE AN ENGLISH MAJOR? DID SHE EVEN GRADUATE? THIS JUST FILLS ME WITH RAGE ASD;LFHASODFH'ASDF;SDHF
Fuck, this book is so boring. WE ALREADY KNOW ALL THIS STUFF. Only the die hard fans are going to appreciate this but it sure as hell is not going to attract any new fans.
I'm not comfortable with seeing more Carlisle. First of all, there were some homoerotic incestual vibes in the movie and in this book and also I can't get his face out of my mind. Every time he came onscreen I burst out laughing. Every. Single. Time.
I'm confused as to what PA means in the context of a hospital.
Edward gets wood from hearing Bella say his name. And he's not just playing Settlers of Cataan if you know what I mean and I think you do.
Is she adding new dialogue? I think she is. I don't think you can do that.
Is Edward talking about the same Bella? He says she's brave and doesn't like to show weakness. Um, not from what I've read in four books.
Aw, the little wimminz is trying to be strong and tough! Silly girl, females can't be STRONG.
Oh, the EMO. Edward is trying to be mean to make his parting from Bella easier. How old is he, thirteen?
I was a living nightmare, straight from the pages of a horror novel.
Oh bullSHIT, Smeyer. He's a sparkling angsty, emo non-vampire who SPARKLES DID I MENTION THAT? Not really horror novel material.
Chapter 4- Visions
My will to live is seeping away little by little.
Hey, he calls himself a stalker. That's a level of self-knowledge heretofore not demonstrated by any character in this whole godforsaken series.
So Senora Goff is now Mrs. Goff. CONTINUITY, Smeyer. It is your friend.
When do I get my Emmett/Jasper spinoff?
WHAT?
I wasn't sure how to manage that though- kidnapping her.
WHAT?
Whoa, Rosalie, my virgin ears! She called Edward a jackass! Although that is surrounded by such obscenities as "irresponsible fool" and "lunatic."
FAMILY CONFERENCE!
This is excruciatingly boring. Seriously. It's just a rehash of everything that occurred in Twilight, and I've read that twice.
I think I love Rosalie. She's just such a delightful bitch. She's offering to kill Bella.
Here's another example of Carlisle's questionably morality. Okay, so we had the discussion about how right it is to turn people into vampires to save their lives. Now feast your eyes upon this:
"Rosalie, I looked the other way in Rochester because I felt that you were owed your justice. The men you killed had wronged you mercilessly."
Okay, I'm just going to say I'm vehemently anti-rape. I'm not saying that I wouldn't feel the need to kill the guys who gang raped me in the event that I ever hypothetically got gang raped. And I don't want to trivialize any woman who has gotten raped. I'm saying that killing for revenge is not intrinsically right, although it is being portrayed as such here. Carlisle is advocating this very "eye for an eye" mentality. This is another example of Smeyer's black and white thinking. Someone does something bad to you, you do something bad to them. There are no grey areas.
CAN'T THIS FAMILY CONFERENCE END?
I'm uncomfortable with this "I see that I will love her so I love her now!" Alice sees that she will be best friends with Bella so she loves her now. It hasn't happened yet so really, doesn't that mean that she has no choice?
Now Edward's randomly running and I skipped over most of the family conference so I don't know why but if I don't get the segue it just makes it more delightfully random, like in the movie when Edward randomly turned and walked away from Bella.
The end. Of this recap, at least.
I'm losing my will to live already and I haven't even started today's recap yet. Dammit.
LOL. Smeyer cannot write from a guy's perspective. Edward is flashing back to when he left and he's having a conversation with Carlisle and it's like Carlisle is his lover and doesn't want Edward to leave. I wish I could copy and paste because it's hilarious.
Okay, it's too good. I will transcribe this BY HAND.
I felt his surprise and sudden worry.
"Edward?"
"I have to go now, Carlisle. I have to go now."
"What's happened?"
"Nothing. Yet. But I will if I stay."
He'd reached for my arm. I felt how it had hurt him when I'd cringed away from his hand.
"I don't understand."
See? Wow. That's some weird vibes right there.
OH, THE ANGST.
Oh, bullSHIT. They called Jasper Jazz. They only started calling him that circa Breaking Dawn. Not in Twilight. If I wasn't lazy, I could prove it.
Edward makes reference to Alice's tiny tongue, which seems like a strange, strange, descriptor to use. Unless she's afflicted with navel mouth like pretty much everyone in the Chickverse. I am now struck with the desire for a Chick/Twilight crossover. Like, maybe Igor from First Bite joins the Cullens after he accepts Jesus Christ and tries to convert them all and then I WOULD say Van Helsing comes over and rips his head off but I don't want to taint Dracula by mentioning it in the same sentence, which I just did. So Van Helsing comes and rips his head off and then proceeds to kill all the other Cullens and then Pastor Bob and Li'l Susie and maybe that child molester from Lisa and Gunslinger and The Bull for good measure go and try to convert Van Helsing and he shoots them all with a crossbow, which I don't think book!Helsing actually has. That sounds like an awesome story. Bella has to die somewhere in there but I can't flesh out this idea. I must continue.
Okay, apparently Emmett and Rose are just staring into each other's eyes. I don't think people actually does that. Edward angsts about being the only unmatched vampire in the family. Well, that's what the SCRAPBOOKS are for, Edward!
Edward keeps talking about how good Bella smells. So...if I suddenly make myself smell like brownies, will I get a man? Since apparently that's the only reason you should be attracted to someone in the Twiverse.
Edward says that he was having fun watching Bella check her snow tires. That's what I do for entertainment, myself. I watch people look at snow tires. Fun for HOURS, let me tell you. Bella is also apparently getting emotional over her snow tires, apparently. Well, I cry over tires as well. Oh RIGHT, because Charlie gave them to her! Wow, I'm just...not used to continuity.
Oh goody, Tyler's van of doom is coming. Maybe the description in this book will be less convoluted and breaking the laws of physics than in Twilight. To recap, the van apparently hits her truck, wraps itself around the front, bounces backward and then comes at it again? I don't know.
Sadly, he doesn't describe the crash so I guess we're still going to assume that the rules of physics don't apply in Forks.
A word I had never said in the presence of a lady slid between my clenched teeth.
Darn? Drat? I also like how she can't even WRITE down a swear.
Okay, so we have a little description of the crash, but I'm too tired to try to decipher it. It took me several readings and visual aids to understand the crash in Twilight.
She had noticed too much.
No shit. You ran with superhuman speed across the parking lot and shoved a van off of her. But I'm sure NO ONE noticed. Dumbass.
You'd think after being a vampire for a hundred years you'd come up with better excuses to avoid detection. Better than, "I was right beside you." I think she'd remember if you were RIGHT BESIDE HER.
WHAT? She uses the word "alright". THAT IS NOT A WORD GODDAMMIT. ISN'T SHE AN ENGLISH MAJOR? DID SHE EVEN GRADUATE? THIS JUST FILLS ME WITH RAGE ASD;LFHASODFH'ASDF;SDHF
Fuck, this book is so boring. WE ALREADY KNOW ALL THIS STUFF. Only the die hard fans are going to appreciate this but it sure as hell is not going to attract any new fans.
I'm not comfortable with seeing more Carlisle. First of all, there were some homoerotic incestual vibes in the movie and in this book and also I can't get his face out of my mind. Every time he came onscreen I burst out laughing. Every. Single. Time.
I'm confused as to what PA means in the context of a hospital.
Edward gets wood from hearing Bella say his name. And he's not just playing Settlers of Cataan if you know what I mean and I think you do.
Is she adding new dialogue? I think she is. I don't think you can do that.
Is Edward talking about the same Bella? He says she's brave and doesn't like to show weakness. Um, not from what I've read in four books.
Aw, the little wimminz is trying to be strong and tough! Silly girl, females can't be STRONG.
Oh, the EMO. Edward is trying to be mean to make his parting from Bella easier. How old is he, thirteen?
I was a living nightmare, straight from the pages of a horror novel.
Oh bullSHIT, Smeyer. He's a sparkling angsty, emo non-vampire who SPARKLES DID I MENTION THAT? Not really horror novel material.
Chapter 4- Visions
My will to live is seeping away little by little.
Hey, he calls himself a stalker. That's a level of self-knowledge heretofore not demonstrated by any character in this whole godforsaken series.
So Senora Goff is now Mrs. Goff. CONTINUITY, Smeyer. It is your friend.
When do I get my Emmett/Jasper spinoff?
WHAT?
I wasn't sure how to manage that though- kidnapping her.
WHAT?
Whoa, Rosalie, my virgin ears! She called Edward a jackass! Although that is surrounded by such obscenities as "irresponsible fool" and "lunatic."
FAMILY CONFERENCE!
This is excruciatingly boring. Seriously. It's just a rehash of everything that occurred in Twilight, and I've read that twice.
I think I love Rosalie. She's just such a delightful bitch. She's offering to kill Bella.
Here's another example of Carlisle's questionably morality. Okay, so we had the discussion about how right it is to turn people into vampires to save their lives. Now feast your eyes upon this:
"Rosalie, I looked the other way in Rochester because I felt that you were owed your justice. The men you killed had wronged you mercilessly."
Okay, I'm just going to say I'm vehemently anti-rape. I'm not saying that I wouldn't feel the need to kill the guys who gang raped me in the event that I ever hypothetically got gang raped. And I don't want to trivialize any woman who has gotten raped. I'm saying that killing for revenge is not intrinsically right, although it is being portrayed as such here. Carlisle is advocating this very "eye for an eye" mentality. This is another example of Smeyer's black and white thinking. Someone does something bad to you, you do something bad to them. There are no grey areas.
CAN'T THIS FAMILY CONFERENCE END?
I'm uncomfortable with this "I see that I will love her so I love her now!" Alice sees that she will be best friends with Bella so she loves her now. It hasn't happened yet so really, doesn't that mean that she has no choice?
Now Edward's randomly running and I skipped over most of the family conference so I don't know why but if I don't get the segue it just makes it more delightfully random, like in the movie when Edward randomly turned and walked away from Bella.
The end. Of this recap, at least.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Midnight Sun Chapters 1 and 2
Chapter 1- First Sight
Edward is talking about how boring high school is which begs the question: why does he attend high school over and over again? Why not just get a job somewhere and do that for eternity, like Carlisle? Vampires are surprisingly stupid.
Now he talks about human thoughts and how stupid we all are and how much better than humans that vampires are, and also this new girl that everyone is so excited about.
Now we get to see into his "siblings' " minds. Rosalie is thinking about herself, Emmett is still angry about losing a wrestling match to Jasper (btw, HOW HILARIOUS was Jasper in the movie? AWESOME!) Jasper is suffering because of all the humans around him, which also begs the question...WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL? Alice and Edward are now having a private, one sided conversation and Alice is all worried about Jasper.
Fuck, apparently I can't copy and paste. Dammit.
YES, chagrin!
I just find it funny that Jasper has been a vampire for years and he still finds it hard to be around humans and Bella has perfect control IMMEDIATELY.
Oh, am I going to be arrested? Check it:
This material is copyrighted by Stephenie Meyer. Any retranscription or reproduction is illegal.
I'll take my chances.
Now Edward is bitching about Jessica. And Mike.
I can't remember who brought up this point, but it's a very good one. The vampires are supposed to be beautiful to attract prey, but Edward says that they sense they're dangerous and stay away. So really they don't need to be beautiful. It does nothing.
Everyone, of course, it thinking about Bella. Mike, Eric, Lauren, Jessica, randoms. NO ONE WOULD CARE IN REAL LIFE.
Anyway, Edward's weirded out because he can't hear Bella's thoughts. He's also feeling oddly protective of Bella from the "darker workings of Jessica's mind." I'm so sure it gets really dark in there. It's not like she's a serial killer or something.
Edward has two degrees in medicine. Why is he still in high school? I just don't get that. I mean, he could pull a Doogie Howser and get a job at a hospital despite the fact that he physically looks seventeen.
Edward uses the word "gaffe." Yeah right.
Smeyer's stupidity just baffles me. She mentioned something about Eric's sulfurous thoughts. From dictionary.com:
Yeah, thoughts don't contain sulfur and they also don't have colour. Now, if she meant sulphurous:
So...his thoughts were Satanic?
Everyone is still talking about Bella. I have had new students come to my school, and I have been a new student. NO ONE CARES THIS MUCH. Also, there's someone named "June Richardson" and I haven't seen a name like that since the Dick and Jane reader.
Okay, this is the creepy part. He smells Bella in biology and then he plans out how he's going to kill her. And everyone else in the room. He's getting the timing and everything. He is nothing if not thorough. But then he sees Carlisle in his head and calms down, and he's all "I'M A MONSTER!" He goes to calm down in his car, and word of God says that it is Muse, natch. So then he goes to change his classes and the secretary is thinking lecherous thoughts about him. It wouldn't be a Smeyer book without statutory rape! Anyway, Bella comes in, Edward freaks out again, and he runs away.
Chapter 2- Open Book
So now Eddo the Pedo is in Alaska.
On the Anti-Twilight Facebook group, someone mentioned about how it was so cheesy when it was talking about how Edward couldn't see the stars. HERE IS THAT PART. I'm going to risk arrest and write it down here:
When I stared up at the jeweled sky, it was as if there were an obstruction between my eyes and their beauty. The obstruction was a face, just an unremarkable human face, but I couldn't quite seem to banish it from my mind.
Sometimes, you don't need to snark. The words make fun of themselves. Also, I believe it is "there WAS an obstruction".
Tanya, as stated in Breaking Dawn, has a thing for Edward. Kate! I forgot she was part of the Denali clan. Do I get to see her again? I miss her. I can't even see the stars because I just see her, despite the fact that I don't know what she looks like.
FUCK. "Her thoughts were chagrined." THOUGHTS CAN'T BE CHAGRINED.
Anyhoo, Eddie says that Tanya is more beautiful than the stars but that he's not interested and Tanya's all, "I'm not used to rejection." Well, maybe you should try being klutzy, and then take it from there.
Tanya's a little slut, it seems. She's thinking of her conquests. Thousands of them, in fact. Edward calls her a succubus. Smeyer mentions succubi and incubi a lot, especially since the whole children thing in Breaking Dawn. She's like a little child who learns a new word and won't let go of it.
I sat up and wrapped my arms around my legs, curling defensively. "I don't want to talk about it."
HOW MUCH like a petulant, emo, female teenager does he sound right now?
Edward comments on how despite the close proximity of the Denali clan to humans, they never made a mistake. Um, closer in proximity than attending high school with them and being a doctor to them? I'm confused.
Edward KNOWS that Tanya likes him and is pursuing him and then he kisses her cheek. Way to use mixed signals, buddy. She, of course, turns her face inward but Edward moves back.
She's used chagrin three times in the first two chapters. Edward's all sad because rebuffing Tanya doesn't make him feel like a gentleman. Boo hoo, emo baby.
LOL. He puts his chin on his knees and stares at the stars. EMO LITTLE GIRL.
Anyhoo, he goes home and the Cullens return to school. Everyone's overprotective of widdle baby Eddikins.
Smeyer honestly can't write in first person, or at least in male first person. If you didn't know this was from Edward's perspective, it would be really easy to believe that it was from Bella's POV. Seriously, the staring at the stars thing and now Edward is getting mad at being the centre of attention/concern. SOUND FAMILIAR? Yeah.
So Emmett freezes snow into a block of ice in his hand, throws it at Alice in the middle of the cafeteria, and then it ricochets off her hand and breaks against the wall.
"Very human, Emmett," Rosalie said scathingly. "Why don't you punch through the wall while you're at it?"
"It would look more impressive if you did it, baby."
I love those two sometimes.
Edward talks about Mike's fantasies again. What fantasies would that be? The ones where he fantasizes about holding Bella's hand? I wish Smeyer wouldn't try to make us think that these are anything more than G-rated.
Bella wonders if Edward is angry and he's like, "So she HAD noticed my wild reaction last week." DUH. He stormed past her out of the counselor's office. No Edward, she didn't notice anything you NUMBNUTS.
I just love Emmett. He's like, "Whatever, just let him kill her." Would that he could, Emmett. Would that he could.
The fact that the bio teacher's name is Mr. Banner will never stop making me laugh. HULK SMASH!
This part in the movie was so excruciating. It was like:
Edward: Prophase.
Pause.
Bella: Can I see?
Edward: I'm right.
Bella: I want to check.
Pause.
Bella: Prophase.
Edward: Your turn.
Pause.
Bella: Anaphase.
Pause.
Edward: Mind if I check?
Bella: Go for it.
Pause.
Edward: Anaphase.
Seriously.
Hey. That scene wasn't just made up. It's actually in this book. And it's just as excruciating in written form as it is in a visual medium.
I CANNOT BELIEVE SHE USED THE WORD "SULFUROUS" AGAIN.
This was my favourite part of the movie. Well, one of them. It's so hard to pick. But Bella asks if he got contacts because his eyes were black before and now they're yellow and Edward stutters while trying to think of something to say AND HE ABRUPTLY WALKS AWAY. No warning. I could not stop laughing.
Edward comments on how Bella was intelligent for a human. Well, I spent four books in her mind. She's not.
Now Edward's asking all these questions about Bella and WE HEARD ALL THIS IN THE FIRST BOOK. It's not always a bad thing to write a book from a different perspective. The Shadow Trilogy was really good, after all. But while the new book may cross over with the first book occasionally, for the most part the new book has its own plot and conflict and characters. That's what Smeyer doesn't get. In Twilight, Edward and Bella spend 95% of their time together. There is nothing new. So far the only semi interesting thing that happened was that Edward went to Alaska, and even then he had his chin on his knees and he was staring at the stars like a little girl and you know what? KATE DIDN'T EVEN SHOW UP. If she was going to rewrite it from a different POV, Jacob's would be better. Also, off topic, but you know what I just realized? Smeyer never explained why Leah is the only female werewolf.
She was selfless.
Um, hardly.
I read all this in Twilight. This is unbelievably boring.
This chapter is so long.
Emmett, I love you! We are treated to an Emmett memory about a middle aged woman who he passes on the road and he eats her. Then Edward says the memory was too explicit for him to stand. Oh Edward, you pansy. Don't change. Also, something exciting was going to happen and SMEYER CUTS IT OFF? There is no justice.
Their Spanish teacher is named Senora Goff. Yeah, don't think that's a Spanish name. Also...is she goffik, maybe?
Now he's sitting in his car. He puts a CD of "violent music" in the stereo. What would that be, Simple Plan?
Okay, let's do a quick chagrin count, since I just saw it again. Nine. In twelve chapters. SERIOUSLY.
Edward is talking about how boring high school is which begs the question: why does he attend high school over and over again? Why not just get a job somewhere and do that for eternity, like Carlisle? Vampires are surprisingly stupid.
Now he talks about human thoughts and how stupid we all are and how much better than humans that vampires are, and also this new girl that everyone is so excited about.
Now we get to see into his "siblings' " minds. Rosalie is thinking about herself, Emmett is still angry about losing a wrestling match to Jasper (btw, HOW HILARIOUS was Jasper in the movie? AWESOME!) Jasper is suffering because of all the humans around him, which also begs the question...WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL? Alice and Edward are now having a private, one sided conversation and Alice is all worried about Jasper.
Fuck, apparently I can't copy and paste. Dammit.
YES, chagrin!
I just find it funny that Jasper has been a vampire for years and he still finds it hard to be around humans and Bella has perfect control IMMEDIATELY.
Oh, am I going to be arrested? Check it:
This material is copyrighted by Stephenie Meyer. Any retranscription or reproduction is illegal.
I'll take my chances.
Now Edward is bitching about Jessica. And Mike.
I can't remember who brought up this point, but it's a very good one. The vampires are supposed to be beautiful to attract prey, but Edward says that they sense they're dangerous and stay away. So really they don't need to be beautiful. It does nothing.
Everyone, of course, it thinking about Bella. Mike, Eric, Lauren, Jessica, randoms. NO ONE WOULD CARE IN REAL LIFE.
Anyway, Edward's weirded out because he can't hear Bella's thoughts. He's also feeling oddly protective of Bella from the "darker workings of Jessica's mind." I'm so sure it gets really dark in there. It's not like she's a serial killer or something.
Edward has two degrees in medicine. Why is he still in high school? I just don't get that. I mean, he could pull a Doogie Howser and get a job at a hospital despite the fact that he physically looks seventeen.
Edward uses the word "gaffe." Yeah right.
Smeyer's stupidity just baffles me. She mentioned something about Eric's sulfurous thoughts. From dictionary.com:
| 1. | of, pertaining to, or containing sulfur, esp. in the tetravalent state. |
| 2. | of the yellow color of sulfur. |
Yeah, thoughts don't contain sulfur and they also don't have colour. Now, if she meant sulphurous:
| 2. | pertaining to the fires of hell; hellish or satanic. |
| 3. | fiery or heated. |
So...his thoughts were Satanic?
Everyone is still talking about Bella. I have had new students come to my school, and I have been a new student. NO ONE CARES THIS MUCH. Also, there's someone named "June Richardson" and I haven't seen a name like that since the Dick and Jane reader.
Okay, this is the creepy part. He smells Bella in biology and then he plans out how he's going to kill her. And everyone else in the room. He's getting the timing and everything. He is nothing if not thorough. But then he sees Carlisle in his head and calms down, and he's all "I'M A MONSTER!" He goes to calm down in his car, and word of God says that it is Muse, natch. So then he goes to change his classes and the secretary is thinking lecherous thoughts about him. It wouldn't be a Smeyer book without statutory rape! Anyway, Bella comes in, Edward freaks out again, and he runs away.
Chapter 2- Open Book
So now Eddo the Pedo is in Alaska.
On the Anti-Twilight Facebook group, someone mentioned about how it was so cheesy when it was talking about how Edward couldn't see the stars. HERE IS THAT PART. I'm going to risk arrest and write it down here:
When I stared up at the jeweled sky, it was as if there were an obstruction between my eyes and their beauty. The obstruction was a face, just an unremarkable human face, but I couldn't quite seem to banish it from my mind.
Sometimes, you don't need to snark. The words make fun of themselves. Also, I believe it is "there WAS an obstruction".
Tanya, as stated in Breaking Dawn, has a thing for Edward. Kate! I forgot she was part of the Denali clan. Do I get to see her again? I miss her. I can't even see the stars because I just see her, despite the fact that I don't know what she looks like.
FUCK. "Her thoughts were chagrined." THOUGHTS CAN'T BE CHAGRINED.
Anyhoo, Eddie says that Tanya is more beautiful than the stars but that he's not interested and Tanya's all, "I'm not used to rejection." Well, maybe you should try being klutzy, and then take it from there.
Tanya's a little slut, it seems. She's thinking of her conquests. Thousands of them, in fact. Edward calls her a succubus. Smeyer mentions succubi and incubi a lot, especially since the whole children thing in Breaking Dawn. She's like a little child who learns a new word and won't let go of it.
I sat up and wrapped my arms around my legs, curling defensively. "I don't want to talk about it."
HOW MUCH like a petulant, emo, female teenager does he sound right now?
Edward comments on how despite the close proximity of the Denali clan to humans, they never made a mistake. Um, closer in proximity than attending high school with them and being a doctor to them? I'm confused.
Edward KNOWS that Tanya likes him and is pursuing him and then he kisses her cheek. Way to use mixed signals, buddy. She, of course, turns her face inward but Edward moves back.
She's used chagrin three times in the first two chapters. Edward's all sad because rebuffing Tanya doesn't make him feel like a gentleman. Boo hoo, emo baby.
LOL. He puts his chin on his knees and stares at the stars. EMO LITTLE GIRL.
Anyhoo, he goes home and the Cullens return to school. Everyone's overprotective of widdle baby Eddikins.
Smeyer honestly can't write in first person, or at least in male first person. If you didn't know this was from Edward's perspective, it would be really easy to believe that it was from Bella's POV. Seriously, the staring at the stars thing and now Edward is getting mad at being the centre of attention/concern. SOUND FAMILIAR? Yeah.
So Emmett freezes snow into a block of ice in his hand, throws it at Alice in the middle of the cafeteria, and then it ricochets off her hand and breaks against the wall.
"Very human, Emmett," Rosalie said scathingly. "Why don't you punch through the wall while you're at it?"
"It would look more impressive if you did it, baby."
I love those two sometimes.
Edward talks about Mike's fantasies again. What fantasies would that be? The ones where he fantasizes about holding Bella's hand? I wish Smeyer wouldn't try to make us think that these are anything more than G-rated.
Bella wonders if Edward is angry and he's like, "So she HAD noticed my wild reaction last week." DUH. He stormed past her out of the counselor's office. No Edward, she didn't notice anything you NUMBNUTS.
I just love Emmett. He's like, "Whatever, just let him kill her." Would that he could, Emmett. Would that he could.
The fact that the bio teacher's name is Mr. Banner will never stop making me laugh. HULK SMASH!
This part in the movie was so excruciating. It was like:
Edward: Prophase.
Pause.
Bella: Can I see?
Edward: I'm right.
Bella: I want to check.
Pause.
Bella: Prophase.
Edward: Your turn.
Pause.
Bella: Anaphase.
Pause.
Edward: Mind if I check?
Bella: Go for it.
Pause.
Edward: Anaphase.
Seriously.
Hey. That scene wasn't just made up. It's actually in this book. And it's just as excruciating in written form as it is in a visual medium.
I CANNOT BELIEVE SHE USED THE WORD "SULFUROUS" AGAIN.
This was my favourite part of the movie. Well, one of them. It's so hard to pick. But Bella asks if he got contacts because his eyes were black before and now they're yellow and Edward stutters while trying to think of something to say AND HE ABRUPTLY WALKS AWAY. No warning. I could not stop laughing.
Edward comments on how Bella was intelligent for a human. Well, I spent four books in her mind. She's not.
Now Edward's asking all these questions about Bella and WE HEARD ALL THIS IN THE FIRST BOOK. It's not always a bad thing to write a book from a different perspective. The Shadow Trilogy was really good, after all. But while the new book may cross over with the first book occasionally, for the most part the new book has its own plot and conflict and characters. That's what Smeyer doesn't get. In Twilight, Edward and Bella spend 95% of their time together. There is nothing new. So far the only semi interesting thing that happened was that Edward went to Alaska, and even then he had his chin on his knees and he was staring at the stars like a little girl and you know what? KATE DIDN'T EVEN SHOW UP. If she was going to rewrite it from a different POV, Jacob's would be better. Also, off topic, but you know what I just realized? Smeyer never explained why Leah is the only female werewolf.
She was selfless.
Um, hardly.
I read all this in Twilight. This is unbelievably boring.
This chapter is so long.
Emmett, I love you! We are treated to an Emmett memory about a middle aged woman who he passes on the road and he eats her. Then Edward says the memory was too explicit for him to stand. Oh Edward, you pansy. Don't change. Also, something exciting was going to happen and SMEYER CUTS IT OFF? There is no justice.
Their Spanish teacher is named Senora Goff. Yeah, don't think that's a Spanish name. Also...is she goffik, maybe?
Now he's sitting in his car. He puts a CD of "violent music" in the stereo. What would that be, Simple Plan?
Okay, let's do a quick chagrin count, since I just saw it again. Nine. In twelve chapters. SERIOUSLY.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Midnight Sun Chapters 1 and 2
Chapter 1- First Sight
Edward is talking about how boring high school is which begs the question: why does he attend high school over and over again? Why not just get a job somewhere and do that for eternity, like Carlisle? Vampires are surprisingly stupid.
Now he talks about human thoughts and how stupid we all are and how much better than humans that vampires are, and also this new girl that everyone is so excited about.
Now we get to see into his "siblings' " minds. Rosalie is thinking about herself, Emmett is still angry about losing a wrestling match to Jasper (btw, HOW HILARIOUS was Jasper in the movie? AWESOME!) Jasper is suffering because of all the humans around him, which also begs the question...WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL? Alice and Edward are now having a private, one sided conversation and Alice is all worried about Jasper.
Fuck, apparently I can't copy and paste. Dammit.
YES, chagrin!
I just find it funny that Jasper has been a vampire for years and he still finds it hard to be around humans and Bella has perfect control IMMEDIATELY.
Oh, am I going to be arrested? Check it:
This material is copyrighted by Stephenie Meyer. Any retranscription or reproduction is illegal.
I'll take my chances.
Now Edward is bitching about Jessica. And Mike.
I can't remember who brought up this point, but it's a very good one. The vampires are supposed to be beautiful to attract prey, but Edward says that they sense they're dangerous and stay away. So really they don't need to be beautiful. It does nothing.
Everyone, of course, it thinking about Bella. Mike, Eric, Lauren, Jessica, randoms. NO ONE WOULD CARE IN REAL LIFE.
Anyway, Edward's weirded out because he can't hear Bella's thoughts. He's also feeling oddly protective of Bella from the "darker workings of Jessica's mind." I'm so sure it gets really dark in there. It's not like she's a serial killer or something.
Edward has two degrees in medicine. Why is he still in high school? I just don't get that. I mean, he could pull a Doogie Howser and get a job at a hospital despite the fact that he physically looks seventeen.
Edward uses the word "gaffe." Yeah right.
Smeyer's stupidity just baffles me. She mentioned something about Eric's sulfurous thoughts. From dictionary.com:
Yeah, thoughts don't contain sulfur and they also don't have colour. Now, if she meant sulphurous:
So...his thoughts were Satanic?
Everyone is still talking about Bella. I have had new students come to my school, and I have been a new student. NO ONE CARES THIS MUCH. Also, there's someone named "June Richardson" and I haven't seen a name like that since the Dick and Jane reader.
Okay, this is the creepy part. He smells Bella in biology and then he plans out how he's going to kill her. And everyone else in the room. He's getting the timing and everything. He is nothing if not thorough. But then he sees Carlisle in his head and calms down, and he's all "I'M A MONSTER!" He goes to calm down in his car, and word of God says that it is Muse, natch. So then he goes to change his classes and the secretary is thinking lecherous thoughts about him. It wouldn't be a Smeyer book without statutory rape! Anyway, Bella comes in, Edward freaks out again, and he runs away.
Chapter 2- Open Book
So now Eddo the Pedo is in Alaska.
On the Anti-Twilight Facebook group, someone mentioned about how it was so cheesy when it was talking about how Edward couldn't see the stars. HERE IS THAT PART. I'm going to risk arrest and write it down here:
When I stared up at the jeweled sky, it was as if there were an obstruction between my eyes and their beauty. The obstruction was a face, just an unremarkable human face, but I couldn't quite seem to banish it from my mind.
Sometimes, you don't need to snark. The words make fun of themselves. Also, I believe it is "there WAS an obstruction".
Tanya, as stated in Breaking Dawn, has a thing for Edward. Kate! I forgot she was part of the Denali clan. Do I get to see her again? I miss her. I can't even see the stars because I just see her, despite the fact that I don't know what she looks like.
FUCK. "Her thoughts were chagrined." THOUGHTS CAN'T BE CHAGRINED.
Anyhoo, Eddie says that Tanya is more beautiful than the stars but that he's not interested and Tanya's all, "I'm not used to rejection." Well, maybe you should try being klutzy, and then take it from there.
Tanya's a little slut, it seems. She's thinking of her conquests. Thousands of them, in fact. Edward calls her a succubus. Smeyer mentions succubi and incubi a lot, especially since the whole children thing in Breaking Dawn. She's like a little child who learns a new word and won't let go of it.
I sat up and wrapped my arms around my legs, curling defensively. "I don't want to talk about it."
HOW MUCH like a petulant, emo, female teenager does he sound right now?
Edward comments on how despite the close proximity of the Denali clan to humans, they never made a mistake. Um, closer in proximity than attending high school with them and being a doctor to them? I'm confused.
Edward KNOWS that Tanya likes him and is pursuing him and then he kisses her cheek. Way to use mixed signals, buddy. She, of course, turns her face inward but Edward moves back.
She's used chagrin three times in the first two chapters. Edward's all sad because rebuffing Tanya doesn't make him feel like a gentleman. Boo hoo, emo baby.
LOL. He puts his chin on his knees and stares at the stars. EMO LITTLE GIRL.
Anyhoo, he goes home and the Cullens return to school. Everyone's overprotective of widdle baby Eddikins.
Smeyer honestly can't write in first person, or at least in male first person. If you didn't know this was from Edward's perspective, it would be really easy to believe that it was from Bella's POV. Seriously, the staring at the stars thing and now Edward is getting mad at being the centre of attention/concern. SOUND FAMILIAR? Yeah.
So Emmett freezes snow into a block of ice in his hand, throws it at Alice in the middle of the cafeteria, and then it ricochets off her hand and breaks against the wall.
"Very human, Emmett," Rosalie said scathingly. "Why don't you punch through the wall while you're at it?"
"It would look more impressive if you did it, baby."
I love those two sometimes.
Edward talks about Mike's fantasies again. What fantasies would that be? The ones where he fantasizes about holding Bella's hand? I wish Smeyer wouldn't try to make us think that these are anything more than G-rated.
Bella wonders if Edward is angry and he's like, "So she HAD noticed my wild reaction last week." DUH. He stormed past her out of the counselor's office. No Edward, she didn't notice anything you NUMBNUTS.
I just love Emmett. He's like, "Whatever, just let him kill her." Would that he could, Emmett. Would that he could.
The fact that the bio teacher's name is Mr. Banner will never stop making me laugh. HULK SMASH!
This part in the movie was so excruciating. It was like:
Edward: Prophase.
Pause.
Bella: Can I see?
Edward: I'm right.
Bella: I want to check.
Pause.
Bella: Prophase.
Edward: Your turn.
Pause.
Bella: Anaphase.
Pause.
Edward: Mind if I check?
Bella: Go for it.
Pause.
Edward: Anaphase.
Seriously.
Hey. That scene wasn't just made up. It's actually in this book. And it's just as excruciating in written form as it is in a visual medium.
I CANNOT BELIEVE SHE USED THE WORD "SULFUROUS" AGAIN.
This was my favourite part of the movie. Well, one of them. It's so hard to pick. But Bella asks if he got contacts because his eyes were black before and now they're yellow and Edward stutters while trying to think of something to say AND HE ABRUPTLY WALKS AWAY. No warning. I could not stop laughing.
Edward comments on how Bella was intelligent for a human. Well, I spent four books in her mind. She's not.
Now Edward's asking all these questions about Bella and WE HEARD ALL THIS IN THE FIRST BOOK. It's not always a bad thing to write a book from a different perspective. The Shadow Trilogy was really good, after all. But while the new book may cross over with the first book occasionally, for the most part the new book has its own plot and conflict and characters. That's what Smeyer doesn't get. In Twilight, Edward and Bella spend 95% of their time together. There is nothing new. So far the only semi interesting thing that happened was that Edward went to Alaska, and even then he had his chin on his knees and he was staring at the stars like a little girl and you know what? KATE DIDN'T EVEN SHOW UP. If she was going to rewrite it from a different POV, Jacob's would be better. Also, off topic, but you know what I just realized? Smeyer never explained why Leah is the only female werewolf.
She was selfless.
Um, hardly.
I read all this in Twilight. This is unbelievably boring.
This chapter is so long.
Emmett, I love you! We are treated to an Emmett memory about a middle aged woman who he passes on the road and he eats her. Then Edward says the memory was too explicit for him to stand. Oh Edward, you pansy. Don't change. Also, something exciting was going to happen and SMEYER CUTS IT OFF? There is no justice.
Their Spanish teacher is named Senora Goff. Yeah, don't think that's a Spanish name. Also...is she goffik, maybe?
Now he's sitting in his car. He puts a CD of "violent music" in the stereo. What would that be, Simple Plan?
Okay, let's do a quick chagrin count, since I just saw it again. Nine. In twelve chapters. SERIOUSLY.
Edward is talking about how boring high school is which begs the question: why does he attend high school over and over again? Why not just get a job somewhere and do that for eternity, like Carlisle? Vampires are surprisingly stupid.
Now he talks about human thoughts and how stupid we all are and how much better than humans that vampires are, and also this new girl that everyone is so excited about.
Now we get to see into his "siblings' " minds. Rosalie is thinking about herself, Emmett is still angry about losing a wrestling match to Jasper (btw, HOW HILARIOUS was Jasper in the movie? AWESOME!) Jasper is suffering because of all the humans around him, which also begs the question...WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL? Alice and Edward are now having a private, one sided conversation and Alice is all worried about Jasper.
Fuck, apparently I can't copy and paste. Dammit.
YES, chagrin!
I just find it funny that Jasper has been a vampire for years and he still finds it hard to be around humans and Bella has perfect control IMMEDIATELY.
Oh, am I going to be arrested? Check it:
This material is copyrighted by Stephenie Meyer. Any retranscription or reproduction is illegal.
I'll take my chances.
Now Edward is bitching about Jessica. And Mike.
I can't remember who brought up this point, but it's a very good one. The vampires are supposed to be beautiful to attract prey, but Edward says that they sense they're dangerous and stay away. So really they don't need to be beautiful. It does nothing.
Everyone, of course, it thinking about Bella. Mike, Eric, Lauren, Jessica, randoms. NO ONE WOULD CARE IN REAL LIFE.
Anyway, Edward's weirded out because he can't hear Bella's thoughts. He's also feeling oddly protective of Bella from the "darker workings of Jessica's mind." I'm so sure it gets really dark in there. It's not like she's a serial killer or something.
Edward has two degrees in medicine. Why is he still in high school? I just don't get that. I mean, he could pull a Doogie Howser and get a job at a hospital despite the fact that he physically looks seventeen.
Edward uses the word "gaffe." Yeah right.
Smeyer's stupidity just baffles me. She mentioned something about Eric's sulfurous thoughts. From dictionary.com:
| 1. | of, pertaining to, or containing sulfur, esp. in the tetravalent state. |
| 2. | of the yellow color of sulfur. |
Yeah, thoughts don't contain sulfur and they also don't have colour. Now, if she meant sulphurous:
| 2. | pertaining to the fires of hell; hellish or satanic. |
| 3. | fiery or heated. |
So...his thoughts were Satanic?
Everyone is still talking about Bella. I have had new students come to my school, and I have been a new student. NO ONE CARES THIS MUCH. Also, there's someone named "June Richardson" and I haven't seen a name like that since the Dick and Jane reader.
Okay, this is the creepy part. He smells Bella in biology and then he plans out how he's going to kill her. And everyone else in the room. He's getting the timing and everything. He is nothing if not thorough. But then he sees Carlisle in his head and calms down, and he's all "I'M A MONSTER!" He goes to calm down in his car, and word of God says that it is Muse, natch. So then he goes to change his classes and the secretary is thinking lecherous thoughts about him. It wouldn't be a Smeyer book without statutory rape! Anyway, Bella comes in, Edward freaks out again, and he runs away.
Chapter 2- Open Book
So now Eddo the Pedo is in Alaska.
On the Anti-Twilight Facebook group, someone mentioned about how it was so cheesy when it was talking about how Edward couldn't see the stars. HERE IS THAT PART. I'm going to risk arrest and write it down here:
When I stared up at the jeweled sky, it was as if there were an obstruction between my eyes and their beauty. The obstruction was a face, just an unremarkable human face, but I couldn't quite seem to banish it from my mind.
Sometimes, you don't need to snark. The words make fun of themselves. Also, I believe it is "there WAS an obstruction".
Tanya, as stated in Breaking Dawn, has a thing for Edward. Kate! I forgot she was part of the Denali clan. Do I get to see her again? I miss her. I can't even see the stars because I just see her, despite the fact that I don't know what she looks like.
FUCK. "Her thoughts were chagrined." THOUGHTS CAN'T BE CHAGRINED.
Anyhoo, Eddie says that Tanya is more beautiful than the stars but that he's not interested and Tanya's all, "I'm not used to rejection." Well, maybe you should try being klutzy, and then take it from there.
Tanya's a little slut, it seems. She's thinking of her conquests. Thousands of them, in fact. Edward calls her a succubus. Smeyer mentions succubi and incubi a lot, especially since the whole children thing in Breaking Dawn. She's like a little child who learns a new word and won't let go of it.
I sat up and wrapped my arms around my legs, curling defensively. "I don't want to talk about it."
HOW MUCH like a petulant, emo, female teenager does he sound right now?
Edward comments on how despite the close proximity of the Denali clan to humans, they never made a mistake. Um, closer in proximity than attending high school with them and being a doctor to them? I'm confused.
Edward KNOWS that Tanya likes him and is pursuing him and then he kisses her cheek. Way to use mixed signals, buddy. She, of course, turns her face inward but Edward moves back.
She's used chagrin three times in the first two chapters. Edward's all sad because rebuffing Tanya doesn't make him feel like a gentleman. Boo hoo, emo baby.
LOL. He puts his chin on his knees and stares at the stars. EMO LITTLE GIRL.
Anyhoo, he goes home and the Cullens return to school. Everyone's overprotective of widdle baby Eddikins.
Smeyer honestly can't write in first person, or at least in male first person. If you didn't know this was from Edward's perspective, it would be really easy to believe that it was from Bella's POV. Seriously, the staring at the stars thing and now Edward is getting mad at being the centre of attention/concern. SOUND FAMILIAR? Yeah.
So Emmett freezes snow into a block of ice in his hand, throws it at Alice in the middle of the cafeteria, and then it ricochets off her hand and breaks against the wall.
"Very human, Emmett," Rosalie said scathingly. "Why don't you punch through the wall while you're at it?"
"It would look more impressive if you did it, baby."
I love those two sometimes.
Edward talks about Mike's fantasies again. What fantasies would that be? The ones where he fantasizes about holding Bella's hand? I wish Smeyer wouldn't try to make us think that these are anything more than G-rated.
Bella wonders if Edward is angry and he's like, "So she HAD noticed my wild reaction last week." DUH. He stormed past her out of the counselor's office. No Edward, she didn't notice anything you NUMBNUTS.
I just love Emmett. He's like, "Whatever, just let him kill her." Would that he could, Emmett. Would that he could.
The fact that the bio teacher's name is Mr. Banner will never stop making me laugh. HULK SMASH!
This part in the movie was so excruciating. It was like:
Edward: Prophase.
Pause.
Bella: Can I see?
Edward: I'm right.
Bella: I want to check.
Pause.
Bella: Prophase.
Edward: Your turn.
Pause.
Bella: Anaphase.
Pause.
Edward: Mind if I check?
Bella: Go for it.
Pause.
Edward: Anaphase.
Seriously.
Hey. That scene wasn't just made up. It's actually in this book. And it's just as excruciating in written form as it is in a visual medium.
I CANNOT BELIEVE SHE USED THE WORD "SULFUROUS" AGAIN.
This was my favourite part of the movie. Well, one of them. It's so hard to pick. But Bella asks if he got contacts because his eyes were black before and now they're yellow and Edward stutters while trying to think of something to say AND HE ABRUPTLY WALKS AWAY. No warning. I could not stop laughing.
Edward comments on how Bella was intelligent for a human. Well, I spent four books in her mind. She's not.
Now Edward's asking all these questions about Bella and WE HEARD ALL THIS IN THE FIRST BOOK. It's not always a bad thing to write a book from a different perspective. The Shadow Trilogy was really good, after all. But while the new book may cross over with the first book occasionally, for the most part the new book has its own plot and conflict and characters. That's what Smeyer doesn't get. In Twilight, Edward and Bella spend 95% of their time together. There is nothing new. So far the only semi interesting thing that happened was that Edward went to Alaska, and even then he had his chin on his knees and he was staring at the stars like a little girl and you know what? KATE DIDN'T EVEN SHOW UP. If she was going to rewrite it from a different POV, Jacob's would be better. Also, off topic, but you know what I just realized? Smeyer never explained why Leah is the only female werewolf.
She was selfless.
Um, hardly.
I read all this in Twilight. This is unbelievably boring.
This chapter is so long.
Emmett, I love you! We are treated to an Emmett memory about a middle aged woman who he passes on the road and he eats her. Then Edward says the memory was too explicit for him to stand. Oh Edward, you pansy. Don't change. Also, something exciting was going to happen and SMEYER CUTS IT OFF? There is no justice.
Their Spanish teacher is named Senora Goff. Yeah, don't think that's a Spanish name. Also...is she goffik, maybe?
Now he's sitting in his car. He puts a CD of "violent music" in the stereo. What would that be, Simple Plan?
Okay, let's do a quick chagrin count, since I just saw it again. Nine. In twelve chapters. SERIOUSLY.
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