Midnight Sun Chapters 3 and 4

Chapter 3- Phenomenon

I'm losing my will to live already and I haven't even started today's recap yet. Dammit.

LOL. Smeyer cannot write from a guy's perspective. Edward is flashing back to when he left and he's having a conversation with Carlisle and it's like Carlisle is his lover and doesn't want Edward to leave. I wish I could copy and paste because it's hilarious.

Okay, it's too good. I will transcribe this BY HAND.

I felt his surprise and sudden worry.
"Edward?"
"I have to go now, Carlisle. I have to go now."
"What's happened?"
"Nothing. Yet. But I will if I stay."
He'd reached for my arm. I felt how it had hurt him when I'd cringed away from his hand.
"I don't understand."

See? Wow. That's some weird vibes right there.

OH, THE ANGST.

Oh, bullSHIT. They called Jasper Jazz. They only started calling him that circa Breaking Dawn. Not in Twilight. If I wasn't lazy, I could prove it.

Edward makes reference to Alice's tiny tongue, which seems like a strange, strange, descriptor to use. Unless she's afflicted with navel mouth like pretty much everyone in the Chickverse. I am now struck with the desire for a Chick/Twilight crossover. Like, maybe Igor from First Bite joins the Cullens after he accepts Jesus Christ and tries to convert them all and then I WOULD say Van Helsing comes over and rips his head off but I don't want to taint Dracula by mentioning it in the same sentence, which I just did. So Van Helsing comes and rips his head off and then proceeds to kill all the other Cullens and then Pastor Bob and Li'l Susie and maybe that child molester from Lisa and Gunslinger and The Bull for good measure go and try to convert Van Helsing and he shoots them all with a crossbow, which I don't think book!Helsing actually has. That sounds like an awesome story. Bella has to die somewhere in there but I can't flesh out this idea. I must continue.

Okay, apparently Emmett and Rose are just staring into each other's eyes. I don't think people actually does that. Edward angsts about being the only unmatched vampire in the family. Well, that's what the SCRAPBOOKS are for, Edward!

Edward keeps talking about how good Bella smells. So...if I suddenly make myself smell like brownies, will I get a man? Since apparently that's the only reason you should be attracted to someone in the Twiverse.

Edward says that he was having fun watching Bella check her snow tires. That's what I do for entertainment, myself. I watch people look at snow tires. Fun for HOURS, let me tell you. Bella is also apparently getting emotional over her snow tires, apparently. Well, I cry over tires as well. Oh RIGHT, because Charlie gave them to her! Wow, I'm just...not used to continuity.

Oh goody, Tyler's van of doom is coming. Maybe the description in this book will be less convoluted and breaking the laws of physics than in Twilight. To recap, the van apparently hits her truck, wraps itself around the front, bounces backward and then comes at it again? I don't know.

Sadly, he doesn't describe the crash so I guess we're still going to assume that the rules of physics don't apply in Forks.

A word I had never said in the presence of a lady slid between my clenched teeth.
Darn? Drat? I also like how she can't even WRITE down a swear.

Okay, so we have a little description of the crash, but I'm too tired to try to decipher it. It took me several readings and visual aids to understand the crash in Twilight.

She had noticed too much.
No shit. You ran with superhuman speed across the parking lot and shoved a van off of her. But I'm sure NO ONE noticed. Dumbass.

You'd think after being a vampire for a hundred years you'd come up with better excuses to avoid detection. Better than, "I was right beside you." I think she'd remember if you were RIGHT BESIDE HER.

WHAT? She uses the word "alright". THAT IS NOT A WORD GODDAMMIT. ISN'T SHE AN ENGLISH MAJOR? DID SHE EVEN GRADUATE? THIS JUST FILLS ME WITH RAGE ASD;LFHASODFH'ASDF;SDHF

Fuck, this book is so boring. WE ALREADY KNOW ALL THIS STUFF. Only the die hard fans are going to appreciate this but it sure as hell is not going to attract any new fans.

I'm not comfortable with seeing more Carlisle. First of all, there were some homoerotic incestual vibes in the movie and in this book and also I can't get his face out of my mind. Every time he came onscreen I burst out laughing. Every. Single. Time.

I'm confused as to what PA means in the context of a hospital.

Edward gets wood from hearing Bella say his name. And he's not just playing Settlers of Cataan if you know what I mean and I think you do.

Is she adding new dialogue? I think she is. I don't think you can do that.

Is Edward talking about the same Bella? He says she's brave and doesn't like to show weakness. Um, not from what I've read in four books.

Aw, the little wimminz is trying to be strong and tough! Silly girl, females can't be STRONG.

Oh, the EMO. Edward is trying to be mean to make his parting from Bella easier. How old is he, thirteen?

I was a living nightmare, straight from the pages of a horror novel.
Oh bullSHIT, Smeyer. He's a sparkling angsty, emo non-vampire who SPARKLES DID I MENTION THAT? Not really horror novel material.

Chapter 4- Visions

My will to live is seeping away little by little.

Hey, he calls himself a stalker. That's a level of self-knowledge heretofore not demonstrated by any character in this whole godforsaken series.

So Senora Goff is now Mrs. Goff. CONTINUITY, Smeyer. It is your friend.

When do I get my Emmett/Jasper spinoff?

WHAT?
I wasn't sure how to manage that though- kidnapping her.
WHAT?

Whoa, Rosalie, my virgin ears! She called Edward a jackass! Although that is surrounded by such obscenities as "irresponsible fool" and "lunatic."

FAMILY CONFERENCE!

This is excruciatingly boring. Seriously. It's just a rehash of everything that occurred in Twilight, and I've read that twice.

I think I love Rosalie. She's just such a delightful bitch. She's offering to kill Bella.

Here's another example of Carlisle's questionably morality. Okay, so we had the discussion about how right it is to turn people into vampires to save their lives. Now feast your eyes upon this:
"Rosalie, I looked the other way in Rochester because I felt that you were owed your justice. The men you killed had wronged you mercilessly."
Okay, I'm just going to say I'm vehemently anti-rape. I'm not saying that I wouldn't feel the need to kill the guys who gang raped me in the event that I ever hypothetically got gang raped. And I don't want to trivialize any woman who has gotten raped. I'm saying that killing for revenge is not intrinsically right, although it is being portrayed as such here. Carlisle is advocating this very "eye for an eye" mentality. This is another example of Smeyer's black and white thinking. Someone does something bad to you, you do something bad to them. There are no grey areas.

CAN'T THIS FAMILY CONFERENCE END?

I'm uncomfortable with this "I see that I will love her so I love her now!" Alice sees that she will be best friends with Bella so she loves her now. It hasn't happened yet so really, doesn't that mean that she has no choice?

Now Edward's randomly running and I skipped over most of the family conference so I don't know why but if I don't get the segue it just makes it more delightfully random, like in the movie when Edward randomly turned and walked away from Bella.

The end. Of this recap, at least.