Edward is talking about how boring high school is which begs the question: why does he attend high school over and over again? Why not just get a job somewhere and do that for eternity, like Carlisle? Vampires are surprisingly stupid.
Now he talks about human thoughts and how stupid we all are and how much better than humans that vampires are, and also this new girl that everyone is so excited about.
Now we get to see into his "siblings' " minds. Rosalie is thinking about herself, Emmett is still angry about losing a wrestling match to Jasper (btw, HOW HILARIOUS was Jasper in the movie? AWESOME!) Jasper is suffering because of all the humans around him, which also begs the question...WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL? Alice and Edward are now having a private, one sided conversation and Alice is all worried about Jasper.
Fuck, apparently I can't copy and paste. Dammit.
YES, chagrin!
I just find it funny that Jasper has been a vampire for years and he still finds it hard to be around humans and Bella has perfect control IMMEDIATELY.
Oh, am I going to be arrested? Check it:
This material is copyrighted by Stephenie Meyer. Any retranscription or reproduction is illegal.
I'll take my chances.
Now Edward is bitching about Jessica. And Mike.
I can't remember who brought up this point, but it's a very good one. The vampires are supposed to be beautiful to attract prey, but Edward says that they sense they're dangerous and stay away. So really they don't need to be beautiful. It does nothing.
Everyone, of course, it thinking about Bella. Mike, Eric, Lauren, Jessica, randoms. NO ONE WOULD CARE IN REAL LIFE.
Anyway, Edward's weirded out because he can't hear Bella's thoughts. He's also feeling oddly protective of Bella from the "darker workings of Jessica's mind." I'm so sure it gets really dark in there. It's not like she's a serial killer or something.
Edward has two degrees in medicine. Why is he still in high school? I just don't get that. I mean, he could pull a Doogie Howser and get a job at a hospital despite the fact that he physically looks seventeen.
Edward uses the word "gaffe." Yeah right.
Smeyer's stupidity just baffles me. She mentioned something about Eric's sulfurous thoughts. From dictionary.com:
| 1. | of, pertaining to, or containing sulfur, esp. in the tetravalent state. |
| 2. | of the yellow color of sulfur. |
Yeah, thoughts don't contain sulfur and they also don't have colour. Now, if she meant sulphurous:
| 2. | pertaining to the fires of hell; hellish or satanic. |
| 3. | fiery or heated. |
So...his thoughts were Satanic?
Everyone is still talking about Bella. I have had new students come to my school, and I have been a new student. NO ONE CARES THIS MUCH. Also, there's someone named "June Richardson" and I haven't seen a name like that since the Dick and Jane reader.
Okay, this is the creepy part. He smells Bella in biology and then he plans out how he's going to kill her. And everyone else in the room. He's getting the timing and everything. He is nothing if not thorough. But then he sees Carlisle in his head and calms down, and he's all "I'M A MONSTER!" He goes to calm down in his car, and word of God says that it is Muse, natch. So then he goes to change his classes and the secretary is thinking lecherous thoughts about him. It wouldn't be a Smeyer book without statutory rape! Anyway, Bella comes in, Edward freaks out again, and he runs away.
Chapter 2- Open Book
So now Eddo the Pedo is in Alaska.
On the Anti-Twilight Facebook group, someone mentioned about how it was so cheesy when it was talking about how Edward couldn't see the stars. HERE IS THAT PART. I'm going to risk arrest and write it down here:
When I stared up at the jeweled sky, it was as if there were an obstruction between my eyes and their beauty. The obstruction was a face, just an unremarkable human face, but I couldn't quite seem to banish it from my mind.
Sometimes, you don't need to snark. The words make fun of themselves. Also, I believe it is "there WAS an obstruction".
Tanya, as stated in Breaking Dawn, has a thing for Edward. Kate! I forgot she was part of the Denali clan. Do I get to see her again? I miss her. I can't even see the stars because I just see her, despite the fact that I don't know what she looks like.
FUCK. "Her thoughts were chagrined." THOUGHTS CAN'T BE CHAGRINED.
Anyhoo, Eddie says that Tanya is more beautiful than the stars but that he's not interested and Tanya's all, "I'm not used to rejection." Well, maybe you should try being klutzy, and then take it from there.
Tanya's a little slut, it seems. She's thinking of her conquests. Thousands of them, in fact. Edward calls her a succubus. Smeyer mentions succubi and incubi a lot, especially since the whole children thing in Breaking Dawn. She's like a little child who learns a new word and won't let go of it.
I sat up and wrapped my arms around my legs, curling defensively. "I don't want to talk about it."
HOW MUCH like a petulant, emo, female teenager does he sound right now?
Edward comments on how despite the close proximity of the Denali clan to humans, they never made a mistake. Um, closer in proximity than attending high school with them and being a doctor to them? I'm confused.
Edward KNOWS that Tanya likes him and is pursuing him and then he kisses her cheek. Way to use mixed signals, buddy. She, of course, turns her face inward but Edward moves back.
She's used chagrin three times in the first two chapters. Edward's all sad because rebuffing Tanya doesn't make him feel like a gentleman. Boo hoo, emo baby.
LOL. He puts his chin on his knees and stares at the stars. EMO LITTLE GIRL.
Anyhoo, he goes home and the Cullens return to school. Everyone's overprotective of widdle baby Eddikins.
Smeyer honestly can't write in first person, or at least in male first person. If you didn't know this was from Edward's perspective, it would be really easy to believe that it was from Bella's POV. Seriously, the staring at the stars thing and now Edward is getting mad at being the centre of attention/concern. SOUND FAMILIAR? Yeah.
So Emmett freezes snow into a block of ice in his hand, throws it at Alice in the middle of the cafeteria, and then it ricochets off her hand and breaks against the wall.
"Very human, Emmett," Rosalie said scathingly. "Why don't you punch through the wall while you're at it?"
"It would look more impressive if you did it, baby."
I love those two sometimes.
Edward talks about Mike's fantasies again. What fantasies would that be? The ones where he fantasizes about holding Bella's hand? I wish Smeyer wouldn't try to make us think that these are anything more than G-rated.
Bella wonders if Edward is angry and he's like, "So she HAD noticed my wild reaction last week." DUH. He stormed past her out of the counselor's office. No Edward, she didn't notice anything you NUMBNUTS.
I just love Emmett. He's like, "Whatever, just let him kill her." Would that he could, Emmett. Would that he could.
The fact that the bio teacher's name is Mr. Banner will never stop making me laugh. HULK SMASH!
This part in the movie was so excruciating. It was like:
Edward: Prophase.
Pause.
Bella: Can I see?
Edward: I'm right.
Bella: I want to check.
Pause.
Bella: Prophase.
Edward: Your turn.
Pause.
Bella: Anaphase.
Pause.
Edward: Mind if I check?
Bella: Go for it.
Pause.
Edward: Anaphase.
Seriously.
Hey. That scene wasn't just made up. It's actually in this book. And it's just as excruciating in written form as it is in a visual medium.
I CANNOT BELIEVE SHE USED THE WORD "SULFUROUS" AGAIN.
This was my favourite part of the movie. Well, one of them. It's so hard to pick. But Bella asks if he got contacts because his eyes were black before and now they're yellow and Edward stutters while trying to think of something to say AND HE ABRUPTLY WALKS AWAY. No warning. I could not stop laughing.
Edward comments on how Bella was intelligent for a human. Well, I spent four books in her mind. She's not.
Now Edward's asking all these questions about Bella and WE HEARD ALL THIS IN THE FIRST BOOK. It's not always a bad thing to write a book from a different perspective. The Shadow Trilogy was really good, after all. But while the new book may cross over with the first book occasionally, for the most part the new book has its own plot and conflict and characters. That's what Smeyer doesn't get. In Twilight, Edward and Bella spend 95% of their time together. There is nothing new. So far the only semi interesting thing that happened was that Edward went to Alaska, and even then he had his chin on his knees and he was staring at the stars like a little girl and you know what? KATE DIDN'T EVEN SHOW UP. If she was going to rewrite it from a different POV, Jacob's would be better. Also, off topic, but you know what I just realized? Smeyer never explained why Leah is the only female werewolf.
She was selfless.
Um, hardly.
I read all this in Twilight. This is unbelievably boring.
This chapter is so long.
Emmett, I love you! We are treated to an Emmett memory about a middle aged woman who he passes on the road and he eats her. Then Edward says the memory was too explicit for him to stand. Oh Edward, you pansy. Don't change. Also, something exciting was going to happen and SMEYER CUTS IT OFF? There is no justice.
Their Spanish teacher is named Senora Goff. Yeah, don't think that's a Spanish name. Also...is she goffik, maybe?
Now he's sitting in his car. He puts a CD of "violent music" in the stereo. What would that be, Simple Plan?
Okay, let's do a quick chagrin count, since I just saw it again. Nine. In twelve chapters. SERIOUSLY.
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