Midnight Sun Chapters 9 and 9

No, the title isn't a mistake. Keep reading.

Chapter 9- Port Angeles

So I'm confused. If Edward's cells are like little diamonds, how come they don't sparkle in artificial light? What kind of substance sparkles in the sun but not in artificial lights? Also, cells make up everything in the human body. So sperm is made up of these diamond hard cells. How do they still function in the same manner?

There was really only one place for dress shopping in Port Angeles.
Well you would know, wouldn't you, Edward?

So Jessica is twirling in front of a "three way mirror". A one way mirror is when you can just see your reflection in the mirror. A two way mirror is when one side looks like a mirror, but you can see through to the other side. It's used in interrogation rooms. So what exactly is a three way mirror? A mirror only has two sides so...I think she means like one of those big mirrors that have three parts joined together. Smeyer's such a dumbass.

LOL Edward the prude. Angela is changing dresses so he refrains from reading her mind. WHAT DOES HE THINK SHE'S THINKING THAT'S SO BAD? "Oh, my boobs are awesome" or whatever. It's not like she's going to be thinking like, porny thoughts as she's changing.

WTF? Angela's like, "Bella seems kind of blue today." NO ONE SAYS "BLUE" ANYMORE.

New Age is capitalized, bitch.

For being rapists, their thoughts are surprisingly tame. I almost said "lame" but I guess that works too.

I recognized the cross street he stared toward.
This sentence seems off, somehow. If she insists on the dangling participles, I think "at" instead of "toward" would be better. Of course, "Toward which he stared" would be the best option, but Smeyer usually shies away from those.

ROFL. One of the rapists is like, "I think I'm going to throw up." WHAT?

"Tiger-kitten outrage". How does she think up these ridiculous word combinations? Also, good band name.

These two just URGH. They're BOTH like, "She/he is too good for me!" WHEN THEY ARE BOTH TOTALLY OBSESSED WITH EACH OTHER.

Edward's chagrined (ha) because Bella opened her own car door instead of waiting for him.

Jessica and Angela are all, "He's so hot!" and Edward's like, "Now why can't I do that to Bella?" HE HONESTLY KNOWS NOTHING. Like okay, most people decipher the clues without reading someone's mind and ISN'T IT OBVIOUS THAT BELLA IS TOTALLY INTO YOU?

Lol, the hostess is like, "My! My oh my." Wtf? "Oh my, just look at that absolutely divine man! He is just so cotton pickin' handsome. I do wish that he would ask me to dance!" That was said in a Southern accent, by the way.

"Welcome to Generic Italian Restaurant."

How could this small minded woman find my physical lures - my snares for prey - so attractive, and yet be unable to see the soft perfection of the woman beside me?
Because she's not a lesbo?
I thought four books of constant Edward description was bad enough, but now we have to hear about Bella's beauty all the time. At least Edward's descriptions were lulzy. Bella's are just tedious.

SMEYER, YOU HAVEN'T USED THE WORD "DAZZLE" ENOUGH YET.

Argh, this is just SO BORING.

I wanted her to know me.
In the Biblical sense?

Fuck, SERIOUSLY? Her skin is like, "silk stretched over glass." Smeyer is like almost as much in love with Bella as she is with Edward.

Let's do a quick count to see how many times "burn" or a derivative is used in Midnight Sun. 33. Way to go, Smeyer. Try switching up the words for a bit.

HOLY SHIT. MINDFUCK. There are apparently two chapter nines. I was SO CONFUSED. I need to figure this out. Okay, it goes "Chapter 9, Chapter 9, Chapter 11." So I guess...

Chapter 9 (Again)- Theory

SHUT UP WITH CHAGRIN, OKAY? Half the time, she doesn't even use it correctly anyway.

"Holy crow!"

I had no idea if Bram Stoker or Anne Rice was there in her stack of worn paperbacks.
NOT LIKELY. Also, it's "if Bram Stoker or Anne Rice were there". DAMMIT.

FUCK. So Bella's telling Edward about when she flirted the vampire info out of Jacob and then:
I could just imagine - considering the attraction she seemed to have for all things male, totally unconscious on her part - how overwhelming she would be when she tried to be attractive. I was suddenly full of pity for the unsuspecting boy she unleashed such a powerful force on.

Didn't we just spend four books hearing about how Bella was so plain, not special, not pretty, blah blah de blah blah? Why are we now hearing about how she's like the most beautiful thing in the universe? Way to fuck with YOUR OWN canon, Smeyer.

Oh, and basically anything ever written in vampire literature or folklore that's thousands of years old is myth. So, if the vampires don't have any vampire characteristics, ARE THEY REALLY VAMPIRES AT ALL? I'm not quite sure how to classify them. Super strong, sparkly immortal beings?

It said "familiar fiery thirst" and for some reason I thought that said "fetish."

"How to make her see that I'm dangerous?" Well Edward, you could try attacking her or maybe NOT STALKING HER AND BEING FRIENDS WITH HER.

Bella's like, "I've observed that men are crabbier when they're hungry." NO SHIT. EVERYONE IS. Also...crabbier? And Edward's like "She's exceptionally observant." No. No she's not.

Edward made Bella cry.

This seriously reads like fanfiction. Like a fourteen year old girl wanted to rewrite Twilight from Edward's perspective, and this is the result.

Remember when Bella said that Edward's breath was delicious? APPARENTLY BELLA'S IS TOO.

Let's see how many times someone chuckles. Sixteen. Chuckle no longer looks like a word.

Three times, he's likened her skin to "silk over glass." WE GET IT. I PROMISE WE DIDN'T FORGET THE LAST TWO TIMES YOU SAID IT.

Whoa, this is unexpected. I think Edward is going back to deal with the rapists. And Carlisle too, I guess to keep Edward in check. Nope, just Carlisle. I skim so I miss things. I don't know what Carlisle's planning on doing. He's going to sedate the guy and then...what? Or is he euthanizing him? That's also morally questionable. Carlisle isn't the great guy everyone says he is, I think.

Okay, this is so bizarro I'm going to transcribe it:
For one moment, the hag-faced fate (try saying THAT five times fast) I'd imagined, the one who sought Bella's destruction, was replaced by the most foolish and reckless of angels. A guardian angel - something Carlisle's version of me might have had. With a heedless smile on her lips, her sky-coloured eyes full of mischief, the angel formed Bella in such a fashion that there was no way that I could possibly overlook her. A ridiculously potent smell to demand my attention, a silent mind to inflame my curiosity, a quiet beauty to hold my eyes, a selfless soul to earn my awe.
Hell no. HELL NO. Edward compared to angels, okay. He's a wet dream, so whatever. But saying Bella was CREATED BY THE ANGELS NO NO NO NO NO. She's a selfish bitch who is supposed to be plain Jane. as;ldfjas;dhfasiofhsf I feel like a voyeur just READING this shit.

Thank God it's over. I was about to keel over from pure ennui.