Midnight Sun Chapters 5 and 6

Chapter 5- Invitations

So now Edward's trying to prove Alice wrong and resist Bella, but of course her Mary Sue pwoers are too strong for him!

No. NO. Edward runs to make himself feel better NO NO NO NO. That's what MULDER does and that's what I THINK Dresden does. STOP STEALING FROM BETTER STORIES.

YES.

I hung onto every breath she took, every word she said.
Every breath you take! And how fitting, seeing as how the song is about a stalker.

Edward has four torments, apparently. One is her silence. Two is her scent. Three is his thirst. Four is curiosity as to what she is thinking.

Mike Newton is another torment and then Edward rants about how infuriating Mike Newton and his little fantasies are. What, is he fantasizing about closed mouth kissing her again?

WHAT IS EDWARD SMOKING?

He hadn't observed the unselfishness and bravery that set her apart from other humans, didn't hear the abnormal maturity of her thoughts.
Ignoring the comma splice, UNSELFISHNESS, BRAVERY, AND MATURITY? Is this not the girl who a) Wants to be a vampire, not caring what her family or friends will feel, b) had to hide in the mountains while the vampire fight was going on in Eclipse, and c) had a shit fit and stomped her foot when Jacob told her that he couldn't age? Unselfishness, bravery, and maturity MY ASS.

He didn't hear the patience in her voice when she feigned interest in his rambling stories, and didn't guess at the kindness behind that patience.
WHAT? It's a good thing he can't read her mind. Kind? She's ripping Mike apart in her mind whenever she listens to him, we know that much from the first three books. "Kind" is not the first word I would use to describe her. Selfish, stupid, annoying, yes. Not kind.

All the other things added up to the whole - kind and self-effacing and unselfish and loving and brave - she was good through and through.
MY ASS. MY ASS, SHE IS ALL THAT STUFF. She is not kind or self-effacing or unselfish or loving or brave. At all. I have never seen a novel so rife with informed abilities. Or a novel written by an author whose vision of her character is so incongruous with what she actually writes. HOW CAN ONE PERSON BE SO DELUSIONAL? ;ASDF;ASDF'ODSFKHSDFKLJHSDFKJFD BRAIN EXPLODING.

I'm confused. He says he has four torments, then he names said torments, and then he adds like three more. Learning to count is basic elementary school stuff. If you can't handle that, you shouldn't be writing novels. So his last torment is Bella's indifference. Whoa, buddy. I've been inside her head. 99% of Twilight is spent with her thinking about you. I have never seen two people so lacking in self-awareness.

Edward is glad that Bella keeps staring at him, but he's not sure what it means. Whoa, he really doesn't know ANYTHING in the girl department, does he? Staring at someone usually means YOU'RE INTERESTED, HELLO. No guy is that clueless. Seriously. NO GUY.

Mundane high school stuff. Jessica asked Mike to the Sadie Hawkins dance but he's waiting for Bella to ask him and Edward's all "he's so weak, afraid to make his feelings known!" Um, and here's Edward, obsessed with Bella but not able to do anything about it. Wow. There's the lack of self-awareness again.

Edward's going bipolar again as he thinks about someone else having Bella, whoa TONE DOWN THE CRAZY, BUDDY.

I hate how he keeps calling Bella selfless. Not ONCE has she displayed any evidence of being selfless.

Oh PLEASE, Edward. He keeps talking about the monster inside him. He's a sparkly vampire who has no trouble resisting humans. He's no more a monster than Jiminy Cricket.

OOH, THE LITTLE WIMMINZ IS ANGRY! Fuuuuuuuuuuck.

"No Bella, I am not talking to you. I mean, I am, but I'm going to say I'm not just to confuse you and the readers."

The sound of my name on her lips did strange things to my body.
If you're 100 and some years old and you don't know what a boner is, there is something seriously wrong. Also...why would the way she says his name arouse him? I have never had that experience.

Edward's all pissed because Bella's like, "I bet you wish you let me die!" which, in retrospect is a completely emo and adolescent thing to say.

She was entirely other.
What the hell does that mean?

THE LITTLE WIMMINZ IS MAD AGAIN!

I don't think all this shit about Edward being obsessed with Bella and her being too good for him and all that would be so irritating if SHE WASN'T THE MOST ANNOYING FUCKING PROTAGONIST EVER CREATED.

Oh shit, the stalking scene.

This is so so so creepy. He's CLIMBING ON HER ROOF AND LOOKING IN HER WINDOW. Okay, if I woke up and saw some random dude looking into my window I would scream and then call the cops. I don't know if this is supposed to be romantic, or what, but it's really not. And he's not just looking into her window. HE'S GOING INSIDE HER ROOM AND SITTING IN HER ROCKING CHAIR. Like okay, I have a lawn chair against the wall, and I can just imagine someone sitting there and watching me and it gives me the willies.

Like the intended victim in a horror movie she would run away, shrieking in terror.
Well, shrieking with something. Hilarity, maybe?

Could a dead, frozen heart break? It felt like mine would [...] Could a dead, frozen heart beat again? It felt like mine was about to.
No. Just no.

My life was an unending, unchanging midnight. It must, by necessity, always be midnight for me. So how was it possible that the sun was rising now, in the middle of my midnight?
Gee, you think Edward's life is a midnight? Calling the Department of Redundancy Department!

Always watching her, I began to plot.
Wow. Frightening.

Perhaps love had silenced him [the monster] forever.
Oh good Lord, the CLICHES.

He watches her sleep until dawn. Can we assume that he sat in her rocking chair for like five hours and creeped on her?

Did she hear how my voice wrapped around her name like a caress?
Seriously? I don't even know anymore. This book mocks itself.

Bella asks if he has multiple personality disorder. DUH, it's bipolar disorder and psychopathy, KEEP UP.

She is such a fucking dimwit. He's like, "I heard you're going to Seattle, do you need a ride?" and she's like, "with who?" I WONDER, DIPSHIT. PROBABLY THE PERSON WHO OFFERED YOU A RIDE.

"The wasting of finite resources are everyone's business.
And yet there you go, buying her a quasi-Hummer in Breaking Dawn. Good to know the environment is such a priority for you.

Smeyer used the word "smote". Okay.

"Hey Bella, you shouldn't be my friend. But do you want to go to Seattle with me? But seriously, stay away."

Thank God, this chapter is over.

Chapter 6- Blood Type

This is so creepy. He stares at Bella until she looks and then he crooks his finger at her. THE MENTAL IMAGES.

"Here, come eat lunch with me, Bella. BUT STAY AWAY. But okay, we can be friends. BUT I'M DANGEROUS." SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?

"It's healthy to ditch a class once in awhile."
Don't I know it. Doooon't I know it.

I just thank God that Edward's favourite classical composer is Debussy and not Beethoven. Beethoven is my favourite, dammit.

Bella faints and EVERYONE FREAKS THE FUCK OUT. Eddo the Pedo almost tears the door off the car and like yells her name and Mike is all worried and SERIOUSLY, SHE WILL BE FINE, I HAVE FAINTED BEFORE AND THERE IS NO LASTING DAMAGE.

"They're blood typing in biology."
"There's always one."
Really? They just prick their fingers. I've been to two blood drives and no one fainted from getting their fingers pricked. Come to think of it, I don't even think anyone fainted from GIVING blood. No one is so scared of blood that a little prick makes them faint. I've accidentally stapled my fingers. I would know.

Some ICE for her FOREHEAD? She fainted. She doesn't have a fever. You have to ELEVATE HER FEET WHAT KIND OF FUCKING NURSE ARE YOU?

Ms. Cope is thinking lecherous thoughts about Edward again.

Oh, good God. More OOC. Bella raises her face to the rain and smiles. Doesn't she hate the wet? CONTINUITY, Smeyer. It is your friend.

Bella never wore makeup, nor should she. The cosmetics industry made billions of dollars a year from women who were trying to attain skin like hers.
The Sue-ness is even more apparent in Midnight Sun and it makes me cringe inside. She just SCREAMS self-insert and wish-fulfillment. What, did Smeyer have acne problems in high school or something?

Oh, I can't wait until Edward questions her for days on end about every little mundane detail of her existence. I'm so excited to hear what Bella's favourite colour is.

He keeps talking about how unselfish she is. She is one of the most selfish characters I have ever encountered in literature. Does Eddo even KNOW her?

Now there's a super long conversation where they ask each other questions about each other's lives, and WE'VE READ THIS ALREADY IN TWILIGHT, MOVE ON.

Holy fuck. This recap took me an hour and a half.