I'm The Goddamn Batman Issue #8

Good news, people! This was actually the last issue I had, but it turns out there's a ninth one and I just spent five minutes of my time intensely searching for it. It'd downloading as we speak. Or, as I type. You know. Whatever. Anyway.

Cover: The Joker, sporting some pretty intense tattoos, is holding Batman's cape (just wrote cake) with a sneaky look on his face.

Alternate cover: HOLY SHIT. I couldn't figure out who this was at first. I thought it was Alfred, but I was confused because he had horns. Then I realized it was an optical illusion, with TWO faces making up the one. Jim Lee is truly transcendent. A troubling point: Alfred (?) appears to have the teeth of a horse.

Joker's one night stand is all, "I never do this, especially with someone I just met" and then asks Joker's name. He's all, "They call me the Joker" and then:

What a funny coincidence! Are you making the connection yet, sweetie? No? Okay.

Joker admits that it was him and then starts talking about the girl. She's a reputable attorney who crusades against child molesters. Joker apparently loves her in his special little way. I'm not liking where this is going.

Joker is really ripped too. Is there something in the water in Gotham?

The Joker then hits the girl and (I'm assuming) rapes her, and he calls it love.

I feel uncomfortable.

Here's something I really like, and I'm not sure if it's Jim Lee or Frank Miller's idea. Each character's text box is different. Batman's is scribbled out hastily on crooked boxes, probably indicating his lack of care in any aspect of his life. Alfred's are neat and tidy on square little boxes. Black Canary has more feminine writing. Joker has childish writing and green boxes. It's kind of like a leitmotif.

It puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again.

Okay, he may not have raped her. I can't really tell.

WHOA. The Joker has a henchmen. She appears to be a white supremacist, with short blonde hair and a military demeanour. She's wearing no shirt, but has giant swastikas covering her boobs. She appears to have no nipples. Frankly, she scares the everloving bejeezus out of me.

Remember when Batman was like, "Avenger or detective?" I honestly didn't know which one he wanted Robin to pick. Apparently he wanted Robin to pick "detective", which he did. Batman is happy, or at least as happy as Batman gets. Batman is starting to respect Robin because he's as smart as Batman. Their banter here, again, has the ring of a couple who appear to hate each other but are really attracted to each other. I can't think of any examples right now, but I'm sure there are many.

This is the second time someone has used the word "queer" but I'm wondering if they mean like "gay" or just weird.

Batman orders Robin to get a cape and mask. Batman starts to have second thoughts about playing "father." I would have called it playing "psychopath" but tomato tomahto.

Batman calls Robin "Boy Wonder" which sets the wheels turning in Robin's mind. Batman turns to leave again but Robin, with an intense look on his face, says that Batman has to answer a question. What shall the question be? "Why did you kidnap me?" "Are you insane?" "Do you have any sort of working moral compass?" Nope, the question is "What's the deal with the robot T-rex?" Finally, after like four issues, we get an answer about that T-rex. But actually we don't, because Batman's answer is simply "shut up." Another sleepless night.

Batman sees some kind of signal in the sky and for the life of me I can't figure it out. I assume it's from the Joker because it's green, but it looks like a vertical "101" or maybe a crop circle.

Batman dumps Jocko in the river and Jocko's response is to call Batman a creep. This seems like an underwhelming thing to call the guy who murdered you.

Editor's note: We can't print Jocko-Boy's response, due to standards of decency. The response demands an anatomical impossibility.

Well, that's more like it.

Robin contemplates a Robin Hood costume and then starts talking to Alfred's voice. Robin thanks Alfred for bringing him food.

How does a 12-year-old identify an accent from South Kensington?

Batman: I've never been all that good with people.

Well, that's one HELL of an understatement. This part made me laugh though:

Batman: I've got a retarded demigod to take care of.

That's a sentence you don't hear often.

Oh, apparently the vertical "101" is Green Lantern's signal. As per usual, he's sitting around doing nothing. Batman apparently is "everywhere and nowhere." He's like Jesus.

Green Lantern's mask is like one of those masquerade masks, only it doesn't have the stick. How is it staying on his face? The questions continue.

Batman tells us a little about Green Lantern. Basically, he's a moron with the most powerful ring in the universe. Whatever he wants, the ring makes it happen. Batman sounds like he's contemplating stealing it.

OMG IT'S CATWOMAN, YOU GUYS.

Sadly, her appearance only takes up two panels. The Joker asks her if she wants to join in some mischief.

Robin's Robin Hood costume is ADORABLE. But there's a lot of loose clothing that can get caught in stuff. I'm mostly confused how Alfred managed to make a whole Robin Hood costume in like an hour. Did he have all the fabric hanging around the house?

Batman takes the hood and pulls it over Robin's face. He tells Batman to lose the hood, and just be Robin. I wonder if the story of his costume is canon.

That's the end of issue 8.

I'm The Goddamn Batman Issue #7

Cover: Batman and Black Canary fighting bad guys.

Alternate cover: A really weird and somewhat Dadaist drawing of Batman.

So Batman's laying the smack down on the bad guys that were chasing Black Canary, and he's getting a lot of joy out of it. It appears that Batman is thinking of making a bomb, but I wasn't aware that was his thing.

"They're shooting scared. They're shooting stupid. Killing their own. Life is good."

I don't have a problem with anti-heroes. I LOVE Sam Spade, and this is a guy who feels nothing over diddling his partner's wife or said partner's death, or his love interest being sent to jail. But I think Batman has crossed the line from "appealingly dark" to "fucking psychotic."

He is definitely right now throwing Molotov cocktails at the bad guys. Way to NOT DRAW ATTENTION TO YOURSELF, Batman.

What exactly does having your underwear over your tights do? Is there a purpose? It's certainly not for the aesthetic quality.

Black Canary: Has anyone told you, my good man, that you are totally hot?

Batman: Not for the last few days, no.

I actually found that part funny. So anyway, Black Canary kisses him and Batman likes it because she smokes. Or something. He goes, "I haven't kissed a smoker in weeks...not since Selina." YAY, CATWOMAN.

And then...they fuck. On the docks. In the rain. With a bunch of dead bodies nearby and fires smouldering. Righty-o then.

Edit: Forgot to add, also without appearing to take their clothes off.

Batman asks if she needs a ride home and she expresses disbelief because he's "the goddamn Batman and you need a goddamn car?" Well, what the hell's he going to do, fly? Batman doesn't have any powers.

Not sure if you can read it, but basically Batman is having a shitfit because Black Canary expressed disbelief at the Batmobile's name, and he's complaining because he gets shit about calling it that all the time. You guys, can't a dude name his car something stupid without getting grief about it?

Previously, Batman briefly mentioned a guy who could fly, and Black Canary asks for clarification but he says it doesn't matter. I find it funny that NO ONE knows about Superman.

There's a funny line in Chuck Klosterman IV that says, "The Joker was Batman's nemesis, but -ironically - his archenemy was Superman, since Superman made Batman entirely mortal and generally nonessential. Nobody likes to admit this, but Batman fucking hated Superman; Superman is the reason Batman became an alcoholic." Chuck might actually be right about this. I've never thought of Batman and Superman as knowing about each other, but it seems Frank disagrees with me.

Mildly amusing confusion. Black Canary goes, "Do you mind telling me who you're carrying on your shoulder?" and I thought she meant that she knew Batman was still hung up on someone (Catwoman) and she wanted to know who it was. But no, Batman is literally carrying someone on his shoulder.

Black Canary keeps suggesting to Batman that he might not be so psycho if he talked to someone once in a while, which is decent advice. Batman doesn't think so and tells her repeatedly to shut up. Black Canary seems unperturbed, however. Batman thinks that she's pushing her luck and then immediately does a 180 and goes, "she has a right to say what she wants." I think Batman's schizophrenic.

Sometimes, I LOVE a good noir line. Occasionally, while reading Ghost, Mike would say something completely badass and gritty, and I would start kinda sorta enjoying the book. Of course, then he would completely turn around my goodwill by fucking an underage girl or engaging in graphic S&M. Anyway, here's a line I particularly enjoyed from Batman: "And she's dead right to say I'm half crazy. But only half. The other half is doing just fine." Oh Batman. I wish I could quit you.

Meanwhile, Robin's head is floating in the darkness and wondering how long he's been locked in the batcave. Oh right, last time we left Robin he was holding an axe. When I heard that Batman forced Robin to eat rats, I thought that maybe Batman locked him in the batcave and suggested he eat rats, but Robin wouldn't actually do it. Since we had that part, I thought the grossness involving rats and bats was over. But no, Robin just ate a raw rat. This is the trouble with reading stories that you enjoy for the noirishness but despise at other times: EVERY TIME I get some goodwill, like I just did at Batman's awesome line, that gets turned around completely by something disgusting. So thanks, Frank.

Anyway, Batman brings back Jocko and tells Robin the murderer's fate is in his hands. Is he an avenger, or a detective? Are there any other choices? Can I phone a friend?

The effect of Robin standing with the axe is somewhat lessened by the furry buttons on his pajamas.

Avenger or detective. Why are those two mutually exclusive?

Robin drops the axe beside Jocko's head, clipping his face. Robin flips out and kicks the dude. Batman is excited.

You know, the only sympathetic character in this whole comic is Alfred, but he doesn't show up nearly enough to dilute Batman's insanity. Robin was, until he flipped out on this guy. Black Canary might be, but she hasn't had any character development thus far. Same with Vicki.

Last page is a picture of the Joker, so stay tuned. That's the end of issue 7.

I'm The Goddamn Batman Issue #6

Cover: Batman, Black Canary, and Batgirl (?) standing on top of a gargoyle or something. One of Black Canary's boobs seems larger than the other. She should get this checked out.
Alternate cover:

Dear God, that boob is not normal.

So we've got some noirish text from Batman, finding joy in beating up those rapists from the previous issue.

Frank needs to learn that there's gritty and then there WTFWHATISTHIS? Gritty= The Maltese Falcon or The Big Sleep. WTFWHATISTHIS= ASBAR.

Black Canary, afflicted by a sad case of cankles, comes out of nowhere on her Harley, pissing off Batman, who thinks she's an amateur.

Three hours ago. Commissioner Gordon is talking on the phone while Barbara Gordon impersonates a demon.

I'm not too sure what's going on in that text box. I'm assuming the blacked out word is "shit", but then it reads "bullshitinging" and if you ignore the blacked out part it's "bullinging." Whatever, I'm not going to ask questions. Oh, in the next panel it says "bull[blacked out part] ing." So I guess it's just a typo.

Gordon keeps referring to Batman as "the goddamn Batman" as if that's his new title. Gordon is talking to one of his friends, ignoring his alcoholic wife in the background. He doesn't care that Batman beats up cops (apparently Gordon took a bat (hee) to one of them himself). He's worried about what Batman has become. He's an urban legend, inspiring copycats. Some of which are young enough to be his daughter. Foreshadowing ahoy!

Barbara's waist is like 15 inches as compared to hips that are like 30 inches. She's like Barbie. Ew, Frank. She's fifteen.

So, this will come as a surprise to no one reading the comic so far, but Barbara Gordon is Batgirl. I'm not sure why Frank keeps feeling the need to black out the word "shit". They've already used a few swears, plus the comic features Batman kidnapping Robin and graphically beating people up, so I'm not sure what Frank thinks he's protecting us from.

So did Barbara get this costume specially made, or...?

Five hours ago. Jimmy Olsen, age 16, is running through the hospital with a bouquet of flowers. Wait, what? He's a reporter for the Gotham Gazette? But...but...he's from Superman's universe! Anyway, Vicki summoned him and Jimmy's pumped because she's "only the most gorgeous babe in journalism on the whole planet." Yeah, whatever. Sleep with one eye open, Vicki. Jimmy brought flowers for Vicki but immediately feels insecure because someone else (Batman) got her way more flowers.

Vicki had phoned Jimmy to get all the information he could on the Flying Graysons. Vicki gets a note from Bruce saying something like, "Sorry about Alfred's driving. Get well soon. The world is a darker place without you." Um, wasn't it VICKI who was driving? She shoved him out of the way and hijacked the limo. I'm really uneasy that I can't remember the car accident. It's like this big blank in my brain, like I blacked out while I was reading.



Black Canary is talking to two thugs, one of which looks like Mr. T's younger, scarier, brother. She's going on about something or other that I can't understand, and one of the thugs is mad because she sounds like a leprechaun. The thugs are thinking they'll just kill her. One calls her love chunks, which is apparently the universal term of endearment among Gotham's less fortunate set. Anyhoo, this is Black Canary's berserk button and she busts out some nunchuks and starts laying the smack down.



So, Black Canary is somewhat of a Robin hood figure, as far as I can tell. She steals the thugs' money and plans to give it to her friend. Her motivations are still unclear. Does SHE need the money? Does she just enjoy it? What's with her Batman fixation?



Back to Batman. He's planning on killing Jocko, the dude who killed Robin's parents. Batman gave him some snake poison when he was beating him up before, which is causing some pretty insane hallucinations. Another maniacal laugh from Batman, and he jumps down and smashes the windshield on the cop car where Jocko is.



Meanwhile, Black Canary is getting chased by some other thugs and then Batman appears and very politely asks her to stand back while he beats up the thugs. The politeness is really jarring, considering just before he was ruthlessly beating up a cop and a thug.



I thought the whole "goddamn Batman" thing only appeared once in this comic, but no. Apparently EVERYONE refers to him as that, including Black Canary.



That's the end of issue 6. Nothing much happened.






I'm not sure why this ad was in the back of the comic, but it's AWESOME. I love Daleks. They strike me as pompous little men who have a bloated sense of their own importance. My favourite Dalek moment is when they were fighting the Cybermen, and one of the Cybermen is like, "You will fight 6 million Cybermen with three Daleks?" and a Dalek was like, "No, we will fight 6 million Cybermen with ONE Dalek!"

I'm the Goddamn Batman Issue #5

Update: FIXED THE SPACE, GUYS. Woo hoo!

Cover: Closeup of what appears to be Wonder Woman's ass.

Alternate cover: A bloodlust-crazed Batman punching air. Or something.

A really, really scary Wonder Woman is walking down the streets of Metropolis and basically saying that she despises men. A drunk hobo asks her to marry him.

Fact: high heels make the sound "tank".

Wonder Woman hates Batman, which seems to be a theme in this series. I think she's planning on killing him. Maybe all of Batman's problems would be solved if he could just find someone to love him.

The Green Lantern's here. I just got really excited because I loved him on Smallville but then I realized that the Green Arrow was on Smallville. Dammit. I think they really should have picked names that differ more, to avoid confusing morons like me.

So anyway, Superman, Wonder Woman, and the Green Lantern are talking about doing something about Batman because his methods are making all the superheroes look bad. Wonder Woman has a shitfit because Superman wants to bring him in to the authorities, but she just wants to kill him. Green Lantern is just kind of hanging out in the background in a macho pose. You know what I love? That his ring is powerless against anything yellow. That's the most random thing ever.

Wonder Woman wants to hunt down Batman and cut off his head and put it on a stick and present it the authorities. This strikes me as extreme.

Superman has a shitfit and yells at Wonder Woman. Green Lantern is still hanging out in the background, doing nothing. So he's like Aquaman now? Side note: Aquaman as envisioned by Smallville is a complete tool. He strikes me as the bruiser type with no brains. I'm not sure that's what they wanted.

I have no idea what this thing is, but it's talking.

Superman's like, "IMMA FIRIN MAH LAZOR" and his eyes go all red and Wonder Woman spits in disgust. And then...they make out? I can honestly say that I was not expecting that, and I'm pretty good with figuring out sexual tension.

Seriously, what is that thing?

Green Lantern is still doing nothing.

Cut to Batman laughing maniacally AGAIN in his Batmobile. There's a closeup upside down shot of his face, and I was so confused for a second. I thought the mask was covering his chin and his nose suddenly had stubble on it. Batman states that he loves "being the goddamn Batman."

I have to say, the art, especially as it pertains to Batman himself, is certainly very striking.

So, his cape is like fifteen feet long?

Batman cavalierly goes and beats up some rapists and while I advocate the beating up of rapists, he seems to enjoy it way too much. Also, beating them up won't keep them off the streets, Batman. This seems like a short term solution.

One of the rapists appears to have fangs.

That would be the potential rape victim, who appears to be getting way too much glee out of watching her rapists get mutilated. I can understand, I mean, rapists certainly aren't warm and cuddly. But I think I would be freaking out at the attack and would probably be pretty terrified of Batman. Here she looks like what I imagine Karla Homolka would look like during her attacks.

Ooh, and then she stomps on one of the guys' crotches with her heel.

Little did she know that one of the rapists was a zombie and before she could stop it, she was transforming.

"The wind goes berserk. Electricity tingles my skin and rattles my whiskers."

Batman was good until he said "whiskers." Now I just think of him as an anthropomorphic dog or an old grandpa.

So Batman's cape actually allows him to fly? I don't understand. In some panels he appears to have a normal cape, but in others the cape is split like wings. Somehow this seems aerodynamically improbable.

Cut to a strangely Edward Norton looking Alfred boxing. I guess that explains the muscle thing.

Heh. That's what she said. Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Now, the All-Star imprint is free from the DC canon, which means Frank Miller can change details of Batman's life. Christopher Nolan chose to have Bruce's parents being murdered after an opera. Frank chooses to have them killed after a cheap showing of Zorro at a sketchy theatre. I'm not judging, just saying.

This panel scares me. I only know Alfred as played in Batman and Robin (the actor there also played the Well-Manicured Man on The X-Files*) and as played by Michael Caine. This is...not what I'm used to.

A somewhat relieving (not the right word) point: Robin's pajamas were just put on over his tights. His pajamas have big fuzzy balls on them and what appears to be the Gryffindor crest on the chest. He picks up an axe with a somewhat psychotic look on his face, and that's the end of issue five.

*Note: I'm actually totally wrong about this. I just had my mind BLOWN because ever since I started watching The X-Files the summer of 2005, I was sure that the WMM was the guy who played Alfred in Batman and Robin but I just looked it up and am totally mistaken. For some reason though, the WMM looks so familiar to me, but I have no idea where I've seen him before.

I'm The Goddamn Batman Issue #4

I have to say, this is the only recap of anything I've done where I actually looked forward to it. All the other ones have offended me deeply (cough TWILIGHT cough, and also Ghost) or else have just been so crappy (cough TROLL 2 cough) it was boring to get into. ASBAR is the perfect blend of suck, wtf, and entertainment. So kudos (I guess?) to Frank for that.

That said, this comic is bleeding into other aspects of my life. For example, I have a Batman placemat and now whenever I look at it I get this mild feeling of disgust in my stomach because it makes me think about Batman kidnapping little boys and making them eat rats. I hope this feeling will go away, otherwise I'm going to have to pick a new favourite superhero. Deadpool is probably the strongest contender.

I feel like I should put in a little sidebar about Ghost, since I mentioned it (and probably will again) so often. The review that started the John Ringo meme is here: http://hradzka.livejournal.com/194753.html. The review is a pretty entertaining read. I recapped Ghost for this blog awhile ago, and it remains the only one I couldn't finish. And I did all Twilight books AND The Host TWICE for this blog. Anyhoo, the review explains it better but basically the main character (Mike) is an ex-SEAL and his thing is that he treats women like sexual objects and has no problem with fucking underage girls and abused girls and regularly reflects on what an asshole he is, but does nothing to change his behaviour. This is a cheap copout because this way some people are forced into thinking Mike isn't a complete dickhead because he KNOWS what he's doing is wrong but no, he actually is a complete dickhead. I'm getting strong Mike vibes from Batman.

So for whatever reason, today's cover has Batman and Robin standing in the foreground with Alfred standing stoically a little behind them. There is a plane flying in the air and an inexplicable T-rex roaring in the background. I don't really know why.

So Vicki somehow ended up getting medical attention. I believe the last time we saw her she was swooning in Alfred's arms, but beyond that we didn't really know her fate. She starts flatlining. I'm still not actually clear what happened to her. Whether this is my fault or Frank's, I don't know. Like I said before, I'm too lazy to check.

So, not many images make me visibly reel, but this one sure did:

Look at that. LOOK AT THAT. WTF IS WRONG WITH BATMAN? HE LOOKS LIKE SOME KIND OF SERIAL KILLER ALS;KDFHASKDJHFSDF.

Fact: When you put on a mask, your pupils disappear.

I guess Robin's in shock, but he still doesn't seem too worried that he's been kidnapped by a crazy vigilante.

We learn from Batman's internal monologue that he's had his eye on Robin for months. Innocuous...or CREEPY? So many questions are left unanswered like, why exactly does Batman think he needs a sidekick? In ASBAR, Batman seems like the kind of dude who would rather bite off his own arm than ask for help, especially from a prepubescent circus performer, you know? It just seems so strange. I also find it strange that Batman kidnaps this kid with no explanation and then later forces him to wear a primary coloured uniform and fight crime. Is Batman acting out strange fantasies? The questions continue.

Frank Miller wrote Dark Knight Returns, which is widely held to be a comics masterpiece. So why does ASBAR have a strong stench of fanfiction? Maybe Frank's some kind of master of parody, but I just don't get it.

Meanwhile, Robin has found Batman's secret stash of Spice.

Oh hey, the T-rex lives in the batcave. Okay. The text boxes also inexplicably got really really small.

Batman, why are you so GODDAMN SCARY?

So you can't really see, but in this one Batman says something like, "Whatta ya say, Junior? Is this cool or what?" and Robin's like "..." and then he's like, "I guess it's okay, I've seen better" and Batman's internal monologue is like, "I don't think I like this kid. Not one bit."

I'm not a psychologist, but here are some troubling signs from Batman:

1. He inexplicably kidnaps a young boy and takes him to his home. This is clearly criminal behaviour.

2. He is briefly disgusted with his behaviour, but then thinks that he's doing the right thing. You know where else I saw the same behaviour from a lead male character? JOHN RINGO'S GHOST.

3. He displays elements of bipolar disorder. Sometimes he's a scary-ass mofo and then he inexplicably softens towards Robin and then back again.

4. He seems to crave approval and compliments from Robin, and gets angry when Robin doesn't oblige him. This is adolescent behaviour, troubling in an adult.

5. He seems to show no concern at all for his missing butler or date.

6. He seems very narcissistic.

Moving on.

I want an explanation for that T-rex.

So Vicki's not dead and Alfred is in the hospital. His care consists of band-aids stuck haphazardly to his face. There's a shot of someone being brought in on a gurney and I honestly thought it was a bear, like perhaps the shooter at the circus went and attacked the animals. But no, it's a person.

Why does Frank feel the need to reintroduce everyone a million times? We've seen "Dick Grayson. Aerialist. Age twelve" like 38 times, we've been told that Vicki Vale is a columnist at least three times, and now we're being introduced to Alfred for the second time. Despite the fact that anyone reading this comic is probably already a fan of Batman and already knows who Alfred is.

Batman is apparently a fan of Bach. I would have pegged him for a Beethoven fan.

Oh wait, Batman is actually showing concern (kinda) for someone other than himself. He tells Alfred to get in some doctor from Paris, despite the fact that Paris is about an eight hour flight. I know, I've been there.

"Mom. Dad. Their brains splashed all over my feet. (No, don't go there. Not now.)"

I could be wrong about this, but I don't think it's right to put monologue in parantheses.

Batman tells Alfred to call "that clown, Kent" in Metropolis, and Robin queries "What clown from Metropolis?" Take a wild guess, Robin.

So more internal monologue from Batman, which reveals that he knows that Clark Kent is Superman but Clark doesn't know that Bruce Wayne is Batman, and then Batman insults Superman's intelligence. Superman is apparently part Jesus, as he is suddenly walking on water with what appears to be the Titanic in the background.

Does young Bruce Wayne here not resemble a male Sumara from The Ring?

Anyway, Robin asked for a new outfit because his tights "blow chunks." I'm with him there. I wouldn't want to wear spandex 24/7.

Batman goes off to get Robin some new clothes, and I'm a little frightened as to what he'll bring back. Robin is essentially held hostage in the batcave.

Let's talk about capes for a second: Do they serve any purpose? They could get caught on stuff or villains could grab them so the heroes couldn't escape, the list goes on.

I'm going to be honest here: I couldn't stop staring at this picture for the longest time. It's mesmerizing in the way that Body Rock is mesmerizing: It's so wtf that I CAN'T LOOK AWAY.

Meanwhile, Superman is running on water towards the Titanic with a car over his head. Where did the car come from in the ocean? I don't know. I don't ask.

Up till now, I had no trouble keeping up in this issue. But now Batman is in a random building, talking to random people about some random trial, and I really don't know what's happening.

Fact: "Crunch" is now spelled with a "K".

Remember when I said I was scared of what Batman would bring back for Robin? It's because someone dressed him in silk pajamas while he was sleeping. Undressed him. While he was sleeping. And put him in SILK PAJAMAS. This is so sketchy, I cannot even tell you.

Alfred brings a burger and fries for Robin and Batman flips out because he thinks Robin should have to eat rats. Alfred, in a pretty badass move considering he's pissing off friggin BATMAN stands up to him and says that he's not Batman's slave.

Where exactly is Gotham City that hoards of bats randomly fly around in flocks?

That's the end of issue #4. You know, despite the things I've heard, it's not godawful. It's nowhere near the awfulness of say, Troll 2. And God knows I don't want to ENDORSE this comic because it's batshit, but, dare I say it, I'm kind of enjoying the WTFery. I'm not sure what this says about me.

I'm The Goddamn Batman Vol. 3

Yay you guys, I think Catwoman shows up in this one! At least I think it might be Catwoman on the cover. Could just be a random dominatrix. It's hard to tell.

We start off in a flashback six months ago. There's some noirish narration about a bar. Oddly, it looks a little like Roblin bar. Mild detour: Roblin bar was my first bar experience. The town has about 1500 people. I went there with my friend Maria at 11:00 and there was no one there. People didn't start arriving until about 11:30. Everyone there (at least until about 12:30, which is when we left) was over the age of 35. The bartender looked like he was extremely unhappy to be there. Interestingly enough, Roblin bar gets in strippers on Thursdays, and the stage for them is about two feet by four feet. Classy place, Roblin. Anyway, back to the story.

So we get descriptions of people hanging around in the seedy part of town and then it says "And then there's the predators" helpfully pointing to two sketchy looking characters. One looks like Shaq circa Kazaam and the other looks somewhat like if The Dude became a pirate.

Catwoman, for some reason, is tending bar. Someone blurts out the classy pickup line, "Remember me? We met in my dreams." This is second only to the real life pickup line "I want to share your cold."

Is anyone wondering why the bartender is wearing a leather leotard and a mask?

Throughout this whole bar scene, there are little bubbles with names that people are calling her. My personal favourites are "sugar cheeks" and "love chunks."

Here's another good pickup line: "Are you from Tennessee? Cuz you're the only ten I see." Guys, take note: this is how you get a girl.

I'm going to be really embarrassed if this isn't Catwoman at all but like, Batgirl or something, but I'm going to keep calling her Catwoman. Anyway, Shaq cops a feel and Catwoman kicks him in the face. Actually, I just realized she kicked BOTH the predators in the face at the same time. I'm impressed.

This is like five pages of insane filler. I think most of this bar stuff could be cut with no consequence to the story.

According to the cover, this is still in the ASBAR series, but it's really random, like I suddenly went to a different universe or something. I know this recap seems really disjointed but really, it's because absolutely nothing is happening.

One of the guys, apparently too drunk to use too many syllables, reverts to just referring to her as "Chunks." Calling a woman a name very close to a fat, dumb dude from the Goonies isn't going to win any points.

Ooh, crotch shot.

So, is this whole issue going to be filler or...? I'm almost wishing for the weird sexual subtext of Batman and Robin's scenes, just so I can have something to talk about.

So some guy (Liam), the boss I'm assuming, comes in and his reaction is kind of underwhelming, considering his bartender just knocked all the patrons of the bar unconscious.

"What the hell are you doing darling? What the hell are you doing?" "I'm robbing these poor souls blind, Liam. And while I'm at it, I'm tendering my resignation."
Well, you have to admire her for not trying to deny anything.

So for some reason or other, the reason Catwoman just went and beat up the whole bar is because she was thinking of Batman. I have no idea why or how, because he hasn't shown up. Did she just start thinking about him randomly? Because...that's kind of weird.

Also: sweet chunks=terrible, terrible term of endearment.

Catwoman steals a motorcycle and goes roaring off into the night. Someone really needs to help her, because it appears that she just had a psychotic break.

Here's something my friend just brought up: Why is Bruce Wayne clean shaven but Batman has a five o'clock shadow? I know that while reading fiction you always have to suspend your disbelief to a certain extent, but this is stretching my capabilities a little.

Back to Batman in the present now. They're still flying around in the Batmobile and Batman still looks like Satan, and he's still hammering it into our heads that Dick Grayson is 12 years old and an aerialist. Apparently, Robin is also super smart and got a black belt before the age of nine.

Also, Robin is, surprisingly, a deadpan snarker.
"Um, excuse me? We're going straight down. I mean, like we're aimed right at the ground. Like instant death."
Dare I say it? I think I'm warming up to the little guy.



The Batmobile goes underwater and Robin says it "cuts the water like a knife." Um, what doesn't?



Metropolis, 15 hours ago. Superman, looking almost like he was drawn by Rob Liefeld, angrily crushes a milk carton bearing Robin's picture. I thought Superman was supposed to be good-natured all the time. In one panel he looks almost as frightening as Batman.


Okay, MORE frightening.


His eyes are glowing here because he just used his laser vision or whatever to ignite a newspaper with the headline "Batnapping." So, does Superman really hate Batman or something? He seems overly angry.



Wtf? That's it? There was nothing happening in this issue AT ALL.


Edit: I'm so stupid, you guys. That wasn't Catwoman. That was Black Canary. Like I said, I don't know much about comic mythos. And you're probably thinking, "Well then, why are you recapping a comic series?" I may not know comics history, but I know good fiction. And this isn't it.

I'm The Goddamn Batman Issue #2

Turns out my class is cancelled today so I thought I would eschew actually doing my assignments or tracking down my last book and read ASBAR.

The cover of issue 2 is very disconcerting. Batman is standing, all stoic in the rain, and Robin is grovelling in the mud. So in one cover we have subtext of both pederasty and domination in a franchise most commonly known (pre-Christopher Nolan) for charming campiness. I have the same pervasive feeling of unease and mild disgust that I had while reading Ghost by John Ringo, but I'll keep trucking.

Mild detour: why is it a prerequisite for superhero costumes to be all spandex and wearing your underwear over tights? I think we can safely say that Superman started that trend, but I'm pretty sure that someone should end it. Did no superhero look in the mirror and go, "You know what? I look silly. I'm just going to wear jeans and a t-shirt and a mask."

Batman goes on a fauxlosophic narration about Gotham, somehow comparing it to Lenore of "The Raven" fame and then straight out non-sequiturs "I just kidnapped a traumatized young boy." And...this seems okay to you, Batman? I know Batman's thing is that he's a little morally ambiguous, but COME ON.

"Dick Grayson. Aerialist. Twelve years old. Brave boy. Damn strong. Not that he has a prayer of escaping my grip. But he's strong. Very promising. He just might do. He just might."

I'm pretty sure that Batman is thinking about grooming him to be a sidekick, but does it not sound like he's wondering about Robin's ability to stand up to some intense S&M? BRAIN BLEACH. Rule 34 states that there is probably fanfic exploring that very possibility, but I'm too scared to check.

So let's think about this for a second. Batman has been thinking that he needs a sidekick, so he kidnaps a boy whose parents just died? A TWELVE YEAR OLD BOY whose parents just died. So I'm to assume that Batman picked him for the distinct possibility that a) Since he's so young, he'll be easy to train and b) Since he's traumatized, he'll latch onto anybody who shows an interest. Batman is looking for someone who is mentally malleable and who will be attached/loyal to him.

I feel uncomfortable.

Cut to Alfred bandaging Vicki's wounds. Alfred is surprisingly ripped. Apparently he was also in the army or something. You know, why hasn't there been a spinoff about Alfred's youth? I would definitely read that.

Oh come on, Frank Miller. Alfred is never involved in the strenuous Batman stuff, so how on Earth does he have Schwarzeneggerian muscles? Side note: My spellcheck recognizes the word Schwarzeneggerian. This makes me happy.

Wait, what? Alfred and Vicki got in a car accident, but I don't remember this happening. Did it happen last issue? I'm too lazy to check. Maybe the bats did it.

Everyone refers to Robin as "Dick Grayson, age 12." Why? What earthly reason is there to do that? Who cares about his age?

Question: Why did Dick Grayson change his name to Robin? Can someone answer that for me?

"Someone murdered his parents right before his eyes. Brutally. It was brutal. Brutal!" Frank Miller really does repeat things repeatedly. Hey, there's more. "It was brutal. Brutal! It was brutal!" Brutal doesn't look like a word anymore.

There's a funny panel that makes it look like Alfred and Vicki are naked. Again, there's probably fanfic for this but I'm too scared to check.










It's possible that this is my favourite panel of the whole thing thus far. What's with the closeup of the noses? Who knows. Also, doesn't Alfred look like one of those stereotypical melodramatic villains who tie the heroine to railroad tracks?


Batman definitely just tossed Robin into the Batmobile. I'm not getting Batman's methods here. I guess it's like EXTREME tough love and I guess he's trying to toughen Robin up but I'm pretty sure that actually being conscious of Robin's feelings would be the better way to go.


Remember when I said that I couldn't find cartoons attractive? Scratch that. I'm weirdly attracted to Alfred here. I think he's going to emerge as the dark horse favourite.

Also: How is Vicki's dress staying up? That's some industrial strength boob tape right there.






Bats apparently go "skee." I actually just looked up a Youtube video to see if they actually went "skee" and...they don't really. I would think it was more of a "mee-ee-ee-ee" sound, but I really admire Frank's attempts to put sounds into writing. My favourite parts of comic books are looking at the strange sound effects.

So Batman gasses Robin and then is surprised to realize that Robin isn't knocked out. Robin asks who he is, and Batman tells him to sleep and then says some really not reassuring stuff like, "the world when you wake won't be better than the world you know now" and "you poor bastard." I was sure it was going to be my favourite panel coming up but sadly, that is not to be.

"Damn! Maniac!" What's with! Random! Insertion of! Punctation!" I guess this person (who is swearing at Batman for driving like a lunatic) could be swearing "Damn!" as he has to swerve and then calling Batman a maniac, but this seems kind of stilted. I read it as "Damn maniac!" but if this is the case then Frank Miller doesn't understand the concept of exclamation marks.

So on the next page, the lighting takes on a strange reddish glow, which makes sense because Batman looks a little like Satan. He says he's going to put Robin through holy hell and then ominously says, "Sleep tight, my little ward." Must...push...bad...thoughts....out of....head. Then Robin says something hilarious. He realizes that this isn't Batman's real voice, and it's like he's doing "some lameass Clint Eastwood impersonation." I laughed because really, isn't that what Christian Bale does when he puts on his Batman voice? It's like he's trying to be Clint Eastwood and failing.

Someone who knows more about comics than I do: Is it canon that Bruce Wayne and Batman have different voices? It makes sense, but it seems to me that he's the first superhero to think of it.


My primitive MS paint technology here is too small for you to read, but Robin goes, "What the hell's a ward?" and Batman's goes "..." and then "Shut up. I'll do the talking." My question here is, is it necessary for Batman to even HAVE a speech bubble in the second panel? Speech bubbles are for speech, and I'm sure we would be able to figure out that Batman was pausing with just a plain beat panel there. Having the speech bubble in that panel is weird, and my mind keeps thinking that Batman's saying something, just something I can't comprehend. Like it's in African clicking language or something.


The nose panel was pretty good, but this next one's even better. This is the stuff that memes are made of, ladies and gentlemen:


I wish I knew whether or not Frank Miller was joking. I want to know whether I should laugh or just sit in stunned silence.







Batman: I'm gonna be the best friend you could ever hope for, and the worst enemy you could ever imagine.
Robin: Sure man, whatever.

Robin's reply is hilariously laid-back, like he suddenly switched places with the Dude.

Batman says that he needs Robin to be scared, and proceeds to do some insane driving and manages to drive a bunch of cops off the road.

I need you guys to see this panel. I need you to be as scared as I am right now:




Why does Batman look like the Joker? Or maybe the Riddler, as in the next panel Batman's laughing like a maniac.




Robin goes "hukk hukk" and I'm not exactly sure what this is supposed to signify.


The Batmobile flies above the clouds and Robin freaks out about his parents. Batman proceeds to give him a slap upside the head, or as we call it in my family, a hufflit. (That's an actual word. We learned it while playing Balderdash.) Robin is going to need so much therapy later on.

Batman begins to have doubts about being a total dickhead but then thinks that he can't let Robin grieve and he's doing the right thing. Batman also might need therapy. Robin begins to feel sorry for Batman because he realizes he's lonely. Pretty sure that being lonely is not license to kidnap a young boy and abuse him.

The scenes with Batman softening towards Robin and Robin relating to Batman are weird. They have the sexual tension subtext, only this is between a man and a 12 year old boy.

Robin agrees to join Batman's crusade and that's the end of issue 2.

So here we have OOC Batman, weird pedophilish sexual tension, and a strangely attractive Alfred. It's like we've entered the Twilight Zone.

I'm The Goddamn Batman Issue #1

Okay guys, we're going to do something different here. Since I can't find any bad books, I'm going to be reviewing All Star Batman and Robin by Frank Miller. I'm going to attempt to put pictures up, so we'll see how that goes.

I've gotta be honest, I'm a little apprehensive. Batman is my favourite superhero, and God knows I LOVE terrible fiction as much as the next person, but I've been hearing strange things about this comic. I don't know much beyond "I'm the goddamn Batman" and Robin is forced to eat rats or something, but other than that I don't know much which is the best way to go into these things. So without further ado, All Star Batman and Robin.

So the first page is a psychotic looking Robin (note: it's possibly not him) on a trapeze, talking about how he could die. No shit, Robin. I love him because we share a name, but he's really not my favourite sidekick.

Next page is Robin still swinging on the trapeze talking about how his parents are always there to catch him and he repeats "They're always there for me" roughly 4839239 times, so of course they're going to die. I was reading the tvtropes.org article on Frank Miller recently, and here's an excerpt:

Department Of Redundancy Department - "I'm having a date with Bruce Wayne". "Dick Grayson, Age Twelve". In fact about half the dialogue in the All Star Batman and Robin consists of people repeating themselves repeatedly.

Clearly, the good folk over at TV Tropes do not exaggerate.

Also, a troubling point: Robin is wearing a really tight leotard but appears to have no genitalia. Is this more or less troubling: In one panel, he appears to have no pupils.

Next page: the patented Frank Miller whores! Vicki Vale is musing about how the name "Man of Steel" brings up certain images. Why is she talking about Superman while she's in Gotham City? I don't know. I'm assuming that not a lot of this is going to make sense to me. Also, is Vicki Vale an actual person? I'm not really very knowledgable about comic mythos, so let's wiki. I think she's a reporter or something that's always suspicious of Batman's identity. It doesn't mention her being a whore so much but this is Frank Miller so I probably shouldn't be surprised.

Vicki goes on to complain that Metropolis gets the Man of Steel and they get a flying rodent. A goddamn Batman, if you will. Also:





Really, Frank Miller? All panels featuring Vicki are a closeup of her boobs, ass, or vag. I shit you not. I probably should go on a feminist rant here, but I find it too hilariously over the top. Oh Frank Miller, I wish I could quit you.

See what I mean? Boobs, ass, vag.







Also, I'm reading this in the living room with people around and I feel a little embarrassed because the picture on CDisplay is approximately 3893467 times the size of that little thumbnail there. You're welcome.

Here's another thing though: I think stuff like this is superfluous in comics, because is there anyone who actually gets turned on by cartoon nudity? Would guys actually be like, "her boobs are so hot"? Because if I see a shirtless guy in comics I feel nothing.

Vicki Vale then goes on to ruminate on how hot Bruce Wayne is. Has Frank Miller ever met a woman? I know this is a comic book and traditionally they're male dominated and wish-fulfillment oriented, but I know of no woman who would stand around alone in front of glass windows in lingerie, drinking a martini, and ruminating on how hot random millionaires are and wondering about Superman's sexual prowess. She should read Larry Niven's "Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex" (http://www.rawbw.com/~svw/superman.html) and then maybe she'll rethink things. Here's another instance of Frank Miller not knowing what women are like: she prefers Bruce Wayne over Batman. If we're going with the rebooted Christopher Nolan franchise and not what I like to refer to as "Crazy Bat Nipple Era", I'm pretty sure that most girls would prefer Batman and his gravelly voice over Bruce Wayne, the rich tool.

So Vicki's in her apartment in her underwear and she gets what appears to be a video call from her butler saying that Bruce Wayne was in. At first I thought that was Bruce Wayne on the video, and I wondered why he had a Rhett Butlerian mustache and a receding hairline.

What kind of doorman/butler refers to his employer as "young lady" when Vicki clearly is not that young? She looks a forty year old with copious amounts of plastic surgery.

This next page is pretty trippy. It's a montage of sorts of Vicki Vale deciding what to wear. There's a closeup of her thigh and her putting on mascara and three girls who I'm pretty sure are all Vicki but look nothing alike, and I'm pretty sure the butler is thrown in there somewhere. Or maybe it's Bruce? But he inexplicably has a weird mustache and a pocketwatch. And gloves. It's like Batman recycled InVICTORIANTIMES.

Just pretend those two are one picture.

Moving on. So Vicki gets done up in her best Jessica Rabbit garb and finds out that Bruce invited her to the circus. Wtf? If some guy called me up with no notice to go to the CIRCUS, I'm pretty sure I would doubt his sanity. Also, Vicki, a white evening gown to the circus? Pretty sure the Shriners aren't that classy.

Note: the guy in the above picture must be the butler, because Bruce looks a little like a cross between Steven Segal and a Ken doll. He also looks RIDICULOUSLY serious about the circus. THE CIRCUS IS SRS BSNS!

Thanks for the closeup of a young boy's crotch and ass, Frank.

Yes Vicki, we're aware that you're on a date with BRUCE WAYNE zomg.

Vicki asks Bruce why he has his eye on Robin (yeah yeah, Dick Grayson, WHATEVER) and with a lecherous leery look on his face goes, "I have an eye for talent."

I feel a little uncomfortable.

Fact: When you get shot, your pupils disappear.

Also fact: Bullets go "spukk."

I had a hard time figuring out what was going on here. I thought Robin's dad got hit in the face with a tomato which, while humiliating, isn't that tragic. But yes, they're actually getting shot.

Holy SHIT MONKEYS, Batman! Check out this facial expression:

Somehow I don't think Vicki's expression of "Oh my gosh, did I just see Alfred in his underwear?" quite conveys the horror of watching two peculiarly dressed circus performers die right in front of you. Also LOOK AT BATMAN'S FACE. That's one of the scariest drawings of a human being I have ever seen in comics. I'm including, of course, Anthony of For Better Or For Worse fame.

So Batman just goes out and blatantly kills a dude, compares him to a minnow, and then decides to go back for the boy. What is with this obsession? Why is Batman so weird looking? And why does he appear to be a pederast? The questions won't end.

Vicki wants to go help Robin but a cop won't let her. She accuses the cop of sexual assault and pederasty and gets slapped for her troubles. Alfred comes to pick her up and Vicki, apparently forgetting that she arrived with Bruce Wayne and seemingly unperturbed that he has disappeared, roughly pushes Alfred out of the way and drives like a bat out of hell to who knows where.

Alfred looks suitably terrified at the demon that Vicki has apparently become. Meanwhile, Batman and Robin drive off in the Batmobile and Batman has apparently lost all sense of grammar and proper English.

Oh never mind, it's not Batman, it's a really really sketchy looking cop. He's trying to get Robin to believe that his parents weren't actually murdered. Yeah, that's going to work when he was RIGHT BESIDE THEM WHEN THEY GOT SHOT. Vicki and Alfred are watching Robin and the cops from afar and Batman (took me awhile to realize it was him and not Vicki) calls bats with sonics, whatever the hell that means. The bats attack the cops, who run away. Batman picks up Robin by the collar and tells him he's been drafted into a war.

Now, I'm the first to admit that I know next to nothing about art, but is Robin supposed to look like a gigantic baby right now?

So, that's it for issue #1. Not soul crushingly terrible as I've been led to believe, but we have seven issues left.