I'm The Goddamn Batman Issue #1

Okay guys, we're going to do something different here. Since I can't find any bad books, I'm going to be reviewing All Star Batman and Robin by Frank Miller. I'm going to attempt to put pictures up, so we'll see how that goes.

I've gotta be honest, I'm a little apprehensive. Batman is my favourite superhero, and God knows I LOVE terrible fiction as much as the next person, but I've been hearing strange things about this comic. I don't know much beyond "I'm the goddamn Batman" and Robin is forced to eat rats or something, but other than that I don't know much which is the best way to go into these things. So without further ado, All Star Batman and Robin.

So the first page is a psychotic looking Robin (note: it's possibly not him) on a trapeze, talking about how he could die. No shit, Robin. I love him because we share a name, but he's really not my favourite sidekick.

Next page is Robin still swinging on the trapeze talking about how his parents are always there to catch him and he repeats "They're always there for me" roughly 4839239 times, so of course they're going to die. I was reading the tvtropes.org article on Frank Miller recently, and here's an excerpt:

Department Of Redundancy Department - "I'm having a date with Bruce Wayne". "Dick Grayson, Age Twelve". In fact about half the dialogue in the All Star Batman and Robin consists of people repeating themselves repeatedly.

Clearly, the good folk over at TV Tropes do not exaggerate.

Also, a troubling point: Robin is wearing a really tight leotard but appears to have no genitalia. Is this more or less troubling: In one panel, he appears to have no pupils.

Next page: the patented Frank Miller whores! Vicki Vale is musing about how the name "Man of Steel" brings up certain images. Why is she talking about Superman while she's in Gotham City? I don't know. I'm assuming that not a lot of this is going to make sense to me. Also, is Vicki Vale an actual person? I'm not really very knowledgable about comic mythos, so let's wiki. I think she's a reporter or something that's always suspicious of Batman's identity. It doesn't mention her being a whore so much but this is Frank Miller so I probably shouldn't be surprised.

Vicki goes on to complain that Metropolis gets the Man of Steel and they get a flying rodent. A goddamn Batman, if you will. Also:





Really, Frank Miller? All panels featuring Vicki are a closeup of her boobs, ass, or vag. I shit you not. I probably should go on a feminist rant here, but I find it too hilariously over the top. Oh Frank Miller, I wish I could quit you.

See what I mean? Boobs, ass, vag.







Also, I'm reading this in the living room with people around and I feel a little embarrassed because the picture on CDisplay is approximately 3893467 times the size of that little thumbnail there. You're welcome.

Here's another thing though: I think stuff like this is superfluous in comics, because is there anyone who actually gets turned on by cartoon nudity? Would guys actually be like, "her boobs are so hot"? Because if I see a shirtless guy in comics I feel nothing.

Vicki Vale then goes on to ruminate on how hot Bruce Wayne is. Has Frank Miller ever met a woman? I know this is a comic book and traditionally they're male dominated and wish-fulfillment oriented, but I know of no woman who would stand around alone in front of glass windows in lingerie, drinking a martini, and ruminating on how hot random millionaires are and wondering about Superman's sexual prowess. She should read Larry Niven's "Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex" (http://www.rawbw.com/~svw/superman.html) and then maybe she'll rethink things. Here's another instance of Frank Miller not knowing what women are like: she prefers Bruce Wayne over Batman. If we're going with the rebooted Christopher Nolan franchise and not what I like to refer to as "Crazy Bat Nipple Era", I'm pretty sure that most girls would prefer Batman and his gravelly voice over Bruce Wayne, the rich tool.

So Vicki's in her apartment in her underwear and she gets what appears to be a video call from her butler saying that Bruce Wayne was in. At first I thought that was Bruce Wayne on the video, and I wondered why he had a Rhett Butlerian mustache and a receding hairline.

What kind of doorman/butler refers to his employer as "young lady" when Vicki clearly is not that young? She looks a forty year old with copious amounts of plastic surgery.

This next page is pretty trippy. It's a montage of sorts of Vicki Vale deciding what to wear. There's a closeup of her thigh and her putting on mascara and three girls who I'm pretty sure are all Vicki but look nothing alike, and I'm pretty sure the butler is thrown in there somewhere. Or maybe it's Bruce? But he inexplicably has a weird mustache and a pocketwatch. And gloves. It's like Batman recycled InVICTORIANTIMES.

Just pretend those two are one picture.

Moving on. So Vicki gets done up in her best Jessica Rabbit garb and finds out that Bruce invited her to the circus. Wtf? If some guy called me up with no notice to go to the CIRCUS, I'm pretty sure I would doubt his sanity. Also, Vicki, a white evening gown to the circus? Pretty sure the Shriners aren't that classy.

Note: the guy in the above picture must be the butler, because Bruce looks a little like a cross between Steven Segal and a Ken doll. He also looks RIDICULOUSLY serious about the circus. THE CIRCUS IS SRS BSNS!

Thanks for the closeup of a young boy's crotch and ass, Frank.

Yes Vicki, we're aware that you're on a date with BRUCE WAYNE zomg.

Vicki asks Bruce why he has his eye on Robin (yeah yeah, Dick Grayson, WHATEVER) and with a lecherous leery look on his face goes, "I have an eye for talent."

I feel a little uncomfortable.

Fact: When you get shot, your pupils disappear.

Also fact: Bullets go "spukk."

I had a hard time figuring out what was going on here. I thought Robin's dad got hit in the face with a tomato which, while humiliating, isn't that tragic. But yes, they're actually getting shot.

Holy SHIT MONKEYS, Batman! Check out this facial expression:

Somehow I don't think Vicki's expression of "Oh my gosh, did I just see Alfred in his underwear?" quite conveys the horror of watching two peculiarly dressed circus performers die right in front of you. Also LOOK AT BATMAN'S FACE. That's one of the scariest drawings of a human being I have ever seen in comics. I'm including, of course, Anthony of For Better Or For Worse fame.

So Batman just goes out and blatantly kills a dude, compares him to a minnow, and then decides to go back for the boy. What is with this obsession? Why is Batman so weird looking? And why does he appear to be a pederast? The questions won't end.

Vicki wants to go help Robin but a cop won't let her. She accuses the cop of sexual assault and pederasty and gets slapped for her troubles. Alfred comes to pick her up and Vicki, apparently forgetting that she arrived with Bruce Wayne and seemingly unperturbed that he has disappeared, roughly pushes Alfred out of the way and drives like a bat out of hell to who knows where.

Alfred looks suitably terrified at the demon that Vicki has apparently become. Meanwhile, Batman and Robin drive off in the Batmobile and Batman has apparently lost all sense of grammar and proper English.

Oh never mind, it's not Batman, it's a really really sketchy looking cop. He's trying to get Robin to believe that his parents weren't actually murdered. Yeah, that's going to work when he was RIGHT BESIDE THEM WHEN THEY GOT SHOT. Vicki and Alfred are watching Robin and the cops from afar and Batman (took me awhile to realize it was him and not Vicki) calls bats with sonics, whatever the hell that means. The bats attack the cops, who run away. Batman picks up Robin by the collar and tells him he's been drafted into a war.

Now, I'm the first to admit that I know next to nothing about art, but is Robin supposed to look like a gigantic baby right now?

So, that's it for issue #1. Not soul crushingly terrible as I've been led to believe, but we have seven issues left.