We start off in a flashback six months ago. There's some noirish narration about a bar. Oddly, it looks a little like Roblin bar. Mild detour: Roblin bar was my first bar experience. The town has about 1500 people. I went there with my friend Maria at 11:00 and there was no one there. People didn't start arriving until about 11:30. Everyone there (at least until about 12:30, which is when we left) was over the age of 35. The bartender looked like he was extremely unhappy to be there. Interestingly enough, Roblin bar gets in strippers on Thursdays, and the stage for them is about two feet by four feet. Classy place, Roblin. Anyway, back to the story.
So we get descriptions of people hanging around in the seedy part of town and then it says "And then there's the predators" helpfully pointing to two sketchy looking characters. One looks like Shaq circa Kazaam and the other looks somewhat like if The Dude became a pirate.
Catwoman, for some reason, is tending bar. Someone blurts out the classy pickup line, "Remember me? We met in my dreams." This is second only to the real life pickup line "I want to share your cold."
Is anyone wondering why the bartender is wearing a leather leotard and a mask?
Throughout this whole bar scene, there are little bubbles with names that people are calling her. My personal favourites are "sugar cheeks" and "love chunks."
Here's another good pickup line: "Are you from Tennessee? Cuz you're the only ten I see." Guys, take note: this is how you get a girl.
I'm going to be really embarrassed if this isn't Catwoman at all but like, Batgirl or something, but I'm going to keep calling her Catwoman. Anyway, Shaq cops a feel and Catwoman kicks him in the face. Actually, I just realized she kicked BOTH the predators in the face at the same time. I'm impressed.
This is like five pages of insane filler. I think most of this bar stuff could be cut with no consequence to the story.
According to the cover, this is still in the ASBAR series, but it's really random, like I suddenly went to a different universe or something. I know this recap seems really disjointed but really, it's because absolutely nothing is happening.
One of the guys, apparently too drunk to use too many syllables, reverts to just referring to her as "Chunks." Calling a woman a name very close to a fat, dumb dude from the Goonies isn't going to win any points.
Ooh, crotch shot.
So, is this whole issue going to be filler or...? I'm almost wishing for the weird sexual subtext of Batman and Robin's scenes, just so I can have something to talk about.
So some guy (Liam), the boss I'm assuming, comes in and his reaction is kind of underwhelming, considering his bartender just knocked all the patrons of the bar unconscious.
"What the hell are you doing darling? What the hell are you doing?" "I'm robbing these poor souls blind, Liam. And while I'm at it, I'm tendering my resignation."
Well, you have to admire her for not trying to deny anything.
So for some reason or other, the reason Catwoman just went and beat up the whole bar is because she was thinking of Batman. I have no idea why or how, because he hasn't shown up. Did she just start thinking about him randomly? Because...that's kind of weird.
Also: sweet chunks=terrible, terrible term of endearment.
Catwoman steals a motorcycle and goes roaring off into the night. Someone really needs to help her, because it appears that she just had a psychotic break.
Here's something my friend just brought up: Why is Bruce Wayne clean shaven but Batman has a five o'clock shadow? I know that while reading fiction you always have to suspend your disbelief to a certain extent, but this is stretching my capabilities a little.
Back to Batman in the present now. They're still flying around in the Batmobile and Batman still looks like Satan, and he's still hammering it into our heads that Dick Grayson is 12 years old and an aerialist. Apparently, Robin is also super smart and got a black belt before the age of nine.
Also, Robin is, surprisingly, a deadpan snarker.
"Um, excuse me? We're going straight down. I mean, like we're aimed right at the ground. Like instant death."
Dare I say it? I think I'm warming up to the little guy.
The Batmobile goes underwater and Robin says it "cuts the water like a knife." Um, what doesn't?
Metropolis, 15 hours ago. Superman, looking almost like he was drawn by Rob Liefeld, angrily crushes a milk carton bearing Robin's picture. I thought Superman was supposed to be good-natured all the time. In one panel he looks almost as frightening as Batman.
Okay, MORE frightening.
His eyes are glowing here because he just used his laser vision or whatever to ignite a newspaper with the headline "Batnapping." So, does Superman really hate Batman or something? He seems overly angry.
Wtf? That's it? There was nothing happening in this issue AT ALL.
Edit: I'm so stupid, you guys. That wasn't Catwoman. That was Black Canary. Like I said, I don't know much about comic mythos. And you're probably thinking, "Well then, why are you recapping a comic series?" I may not know comics history, but I know good fiction. And this isn't it.
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