Eclipse Chapters 20-27 (I think)

In Which I Finish This Piece of Shit

Chapter 21- Trails

Though I’d given back the hand-me-down ring as soon as I could do it without hurting his feelings, my left hand felt heavier, like it was still in place, just invisible.

Yay for lexical ambiguity! I was so confused when I first read this. I was like, “What? Her hand is invisible?”

It was no big thing — a road trip to Vegas. I would go one better than old jeans — I would wear old sweats. HA, classy. No one can ever tell Bella Swan that she doesn’t have an impeccable sense of style.

He said I didn’t have to tell anyone, and I was planning to hold him to that. Of course, it was very stupid of me not to think of Alice. Also, she’ll see the future, DUH, you idiots.

“Ew, snow,” I muttered to myself. Can you stop thinking about YOURSELF for just one second? I know it’s a pretty tall order but lives are at stake right now.

“Wear a jacket,” Alice told me. Her voice was unfriendly, and that surprised me. I tried to read her face, but she turned away. Maybe she just realized what a bitch you are. Also, if it turns out that Alice is pissed because she doesn’t get to plan the wedding, this book just dropped to a new level of hell. If that’s possible.

“Yeah, I know Charlie’ll be fine.” I didn’t feel so confident about his son’s safety, but I didn’t add that. Again, more lexical ambiguity. PRONOUN/ANTECEDENT, BITCH. I THOUGHT YOU WERE AN ENGLISH MAJOR.

I was sorta right about Alice. She’s really really mad because she wasn’t invited to the wedding and ALSO…dun dun dun….because she doesn’t get to plan the wedding. GET YOUR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT, ALICE. This is why I don’t like Alice, and I dislike her more and more the more I read these shit books. I still love Emmett though. I’m not sure anything can tarnish that for me, although since he hardly ever speaks, I can probably just keep this Growing Up Cullen version of him in my head.

“Ugh! Ugh, ugh!” Much like no one actually SAYS “hmph”, no one ever says “ugh.” Ever. You know, between the antiquated or stereotypical way she makes her teenagers speak, the fact that she was surprised that her manuscript leaked, (given that she gave them out and her books are immensely popular) and the stilted dialogue of this horrific mess of a book series, it makes me think that she has honestly been kept in a basement all through her youth, and probably still is. Like, maybe Genie had a little known sister, I don’t know.

I threw my arms around him instead, hiding my face, just in case the angry moisture in my eyes made it look like I was crying. Isn’t moisture in your eyes the definition of crying? I don’t know what she’s talking about. What else would it be?

“What’s one more diamond? Well, I guess the ring has lots of diamonds, but my point is that he’s already got one on —” Maybe I’m just being stupid here, but I don’t know what she’s talking about here. Although I like to think that she was going to end that sentence with “his peepee”.

“Enough, Alice!” Edward cut her off suddenly. The way he glared at her . . . he looked like a vampire again. No shit!

Okay never mind, I wasn’t supposed to get the diamond thing. It’s always hard to tell with Smeyer.

I had an idea. “Will this help?” I asked as I ran my fingers through my hair and caught a few loose strands. I draped them over the ferns. Because that’s not suspicious. “Hmm, Bella’s hair just happens to be draped over some plants. This is in no way a trick!”

“Well, even if she does get her way, we can keep it small. Just us. Emmett can get a clerical license off the Internet.” Oh man, I can just IMAGINE Emmett in like, priest gear and doing the ceremony. That would be EPIC.

“I’m fine. Stay where you are. I’m bleeding. It will stop in a minute.” Fuck. Is she going to swoon again? Oddly, no. However, she presses her bleeding finger to a rock. Also not suspicious. “Hmm, there’s a bloody fingerprint on this rock. It’s not weird at all that she bled and then pressed her finger to a rock!”

He took my hand and smiled as he examined it. “This doesn’t bother me anymore.”
I watched him carefully as he cleaned the gash, looking for some sign of distress. He continued to breathe evenly in and out, the same small smile on his lips.
“Why not?” I finally asked as he smoothed a bandage across my palm.
He shrugged. “I got over it.” Yes, I’m sure that just happens. You know, Jasper is the most realistic vampire in the bunch.

Jacob chuckled, already running through the trees. He kept a steady pace, a brisk jog that a fit human could keep up with . . . across a level plane . . . if they weren’t burdened with a hundred-plus pounds as he was. What is with these ellipses? This sentence makes no fucking sense.

“But I don’t count that as a kiss, Jacob. I think of it more as an assault.” Is she standing up for herself again? Am I still reading the same book?
So Bella and Jacob are arguing and he wants Bella to kiss him.

What if someone got hurt because I was so weak? Urgh.

Okay seriously, I just want them to stop talking. How am I going to get through eight chapters of this shit?

Also, Jacob is staying with Edward and Bella tonight. Not with them with them, but he’s there so that Edward can communicate with the pack. I think it would be better if the pack’s telepathy faded over long distances, like a walkie talkie. For fuck’s sake, SOMEONE needs to have a weakness in this book. Seriously, no one has a weakness. The vampires are strong and fast and blah blah and Bella is the whiniest bitch ever but nothing bad ever happens to her. The werewolves are super strong and fast and have nifty telepathic powers.

“I don’t know. Why not? It’s interesting. So, how does that work? How did Sam end up as the Alpha, and you as the . . . the Beta?”
Jacob chuckled at my invented term. Oh my fucking LORD. Beta is not an invented term. Seriously. Hasn’t she read Julie of the Wolves? The second in command of a wolf pack is referred to as the beta. YOU DID NOT MAKE THAT UP, SMEYER. Think I’m wrong? When I was telling my sister about this, even before I said “alpha” my sister’s like, “So Jacob’s the beta?” SEE? NOT AN INVENTED TERM. STOP THINKING YOU’RE SO FUCKING CLEVER, SMEYER.

Some werewolf history. It’s boring. Not sure if I mentioned this, but Jacob is the second in command of the pack. I honestly don’t care enough to read this werewolf shit.

“Sort of a Beta, I guess.” He snorted at my term. YOU DID NOT MAKE THAT UP AND JULIE OF THE WOLVES IS A WAY BETTER BOOK THAN THIS.

Also, Jacob turned down the alphadom. Something that bothers me. Edward is portrayed as unfailingly polite and gracious and Jacob is portrayed as like, this giant overgrown pissy furry. If she wanted this love triangle to have any kind of credence at all, she shouldn’t portray one of the players as an angel and one…he’s not even cool enough to be a demon. He’s just like, the creepy hobo with Tourette’s. He’s like Dougie. I’m not sure how much sense that made but I’m keeping it in. Also also, the same thing happens with Charlie. Whenever Edward’s around, Charlie turns into a stubborn ass.

Chapter 22- Fire and Ice

Now we get to see one of Smeyer’s fantasies, because we haven’t had enough of those yet. Bella is all cold. DUH. If it’s snowing, YOU SHOULDN’T BE CAMPING.

Hmm. Bella is cold…Jacob is perpetually warm…I wonder what’s coming. Yes, you are correct. Jacob is definitely going to crawl into her sleeping bag with her. This was done way better by X-Files.
Mulder: You know, I once read that the best way to get warm was to crawl into a sleeping bag naked with someone else who was already naked.
Scully: Maybe if it starts raining sleeping bags, you’ll get lucky.

“Your lips are still blue,” he mused. “Want me to warm those up for you, too? You only have to ask.” He’s just so incorrigible and cute that I think I love him. Sometimes. It switches back and forth. Drastically.

Jacob made an annoyed sound. “Oh, he’ll tell you anyway, so I might as well. . . . I was growing my hair out because . . . it seemed like you liked it better long.” Well, if his hair is like it was in the movie…there’s another tick on Bella’s Insanity Tally.

Then the two guys start talking about her when they think Bella’s asleep.

“Does that bother you? Do you wish you could see what she’s thinking, too?”
“Yes . . . and no, again. She likes it better this way, and, though it sometimes drives me insane, I’d rather she was happy.” I thought she wanted him to see what she was thinking.

Okay you know what? I’m over this conversation. I’m going to fast forward.

Chapter 23- Monster

That Edward/Jacob conversation honestly goes on for like three pages, and it’s almost all dialogue. That is a way overlong conversation.

Anyhoo, Edward throws Jacob across the tent for no apparent reason.

Bella and Edward reminisce about the ten best nights of their lives, all of which they spent with each other. What’ll you bet that one of them was the first night Edward watched her while she slept? Also, Bella mumbled both their names in her sleep. HA HA HA. I thought they stopped with this shit about the ten nights, but no, apparently we’re going to be forced to hear all of them.

Jacob hears that they’re getting married and he freaks out. Honestly though, why does that bother him more than the being a vampire for eternity thing? I don’t know why marriage bothers EVERYONE more than the being a vampire for eternity thing. Bella’s all, “I’M A HORRIBLE PERSON!” despite the fact that Edward knew Jacob was listening the whole time.

More Bella feeling sorry for herself JUST SHUT UP, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

“Bella,” Edward murmured, suddenly right beside me. He stared down at me with nothing but concern showing in his eyes. There was no end to his generosity. I deserved him now less than I ever had. ADSLKFJASDF;

“What if I don’t want you to go away? What if I’d rather you stayed, selfish or not? Don’t I get any say, if you’re trying to make things up to me?” Well…no. That just reminds of Californication where Hank’s ex-wife is getting remarried and he’s like, “Don’t I get any say?” and she’s like, “No!’ I mean, Jacob has no say in whether she gets married or not.

Oh, dear GOD. Jacob is going to join the fight and get himself killed. Well, it wouldn’t be a Smeyer novel without a misguided love-fuelled suicide attempt.

Okay, I’m confused here. She’s all like, “We can’t stay together” and now she’s like, “Don’t go, Jacob, we can compromise!”

Everyone in this triangle is so fucked up, I don’t even know anymore.

And he’s like, “You can ask me” and she’s like, “what?” and he’s like, “you know” and she’s like, “will you kiss me, Jacob?” WHAT?

I knew he would take advantage of the situation. I expected it. I held very still — my eyes closed, my fingers curled into fists at my sides — as his hands caught my face and his lips found mine with an eagerness that was not far from violence. I just have no words this time.

I could feel his anger as his mouth discovered my passive resistance. Maybe they’re Frenching passively!

Wow, Jacob is really emotionally manipulative. I’m not sure who’s worse here, Edward or Jacob.

His voice turned acidic. “Are you sure you want me to come back? Or did you really want me to die?” I don’t even…like…NO WORDS. He’s threatening suicide so that she’ll make out with him. WHAT? So then he quasi-rapes her AGAIN. She fights back and he thinks she’s responding to him and he gets MORE violent. And then because he’s happy, she’s happy and she kisses him back WHAT? THESE REACTIONS MAKE NO SENSE.

And she just realizes that she’s in love with Jacob. And in true Smeyer fashion she has to spread out this epiphany over like five pages.

And then, quite distinctly, I felt the splintering along the fissure line in my heart as the smaller part wrenched itself away from the whole. THE PROSE…SO…PURPLE!

He bent to kiss me again, and there was no reason to resist. What would be the point? GODDAMMIT.

Chapter 24- Snap Decision

Losing…will…to live.

“And I thought I fought dirty,” he said with grudging admiration. “He makes me look like the patron saint of ethics.” His hand brushed against the part of my cheek that was exposed. “I’m not mad at you, love. Jacob’s more cunning than I gave him credit for. I do wish you hadn’t asked him, though.” Of course, BELLA can do no wrong. You know why she’s so unrealistic? No consequences EVER occur because of her actions. She can do anything and nothing ever happens to her.

But I didn’t feel any anger at Jacob for tricking me. There wasn’t enough room in my body to contain anything besides the hatred I felt toward myself. BOO HOO HOO NO ONE FUCKING CARES.

Ha ha, and the pack saw EVERYTHING because Jacob makes vivid pictures. It must suck ASS to be in that pack.

And now we have Bella and Edward talking about how horrible they each are. I seriously want to stab myself. Why did I undertake this recap? Why? New Moon was bad enough but THIS IS WORSE IF THAT’S POSSIBLE. My love of making fun of stupid people is almost not enough to make me continue. AND I HAVE TWO MORE BOOKS AFTER THIS.

“How?” he asked, and his eyes were ancient with their sadness. The prose is so fucking purple that I am almost at the vomit stage.

“I’m not trying to prove something. You said I could have any part of you I wanted. I want this part. I want every part.” EVEN THE RAINBOW WANG!

Okay, I think when you make numbers into adverbs, it can only go as far as “thirdly”. “Fourthly” and “fifthly” do not work. “Fourthly”, maybe. Not “fifthly” that’s for fucking sure.

I scowled in Seth’s general direction. I FART IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION! Was this a conscious Monty Python reference?

He laughed once. “We can hear Emmett — he’s enjoying himself.” Eeee, EMMETT! The only bright spot in this godforsaken level of hell!

Something is coming for them OH NOEZ! Who could it be? Victoria, duh.

“Victoria,” he said, spitting the word, making it a curse. “She’s not alone. She crossed my scent, following the newborns in to watch — she never meant to fight with them. She made a spur-of-the-moment decision to find me, guessing that you would be wherever I was. She was right. You were right. It was always Victoria.” I thought vampires were supposed to be smart. If she caught Edward’s scent, wouldn’t she wonder why Edward was off in the mountains? It would be easy to put two and two together and then her obvious next move would be to find Edward, who would lead her to Bella. BELLA FUCKED UP AGAIN SHE IS SUCH AN IDIOT.

And now we have a tropey sequence were Edward is talking to Victoria’s henchmen and he’s like, “She lied, don’t listen to her! She doesn’t love you!” SO CLICHÉ!

Only a few yards away from that fight, Edward and Victoria were dancing. Little foxtrot, perhaps? A waltz? Jitterbug?

It says something for Smeyer that I’m even bored during a FIGHT SEQUENCE.

And yes, the foreshadowing suddenly comes into play. Bella is going to stab herself to distract vampires, just like the Third Wife. Except she doesn’t stab herself, she just cuts herself a little.

Edward breaks Riley’s spine. Whoa. Or not. Okay. I don’t really know what happened but now Seth (aforementioned young vampire, brother of Leah) is biting Riley.

With an earsplitting metallic screech, Riley lost his other arm. First, how can a voice be metallic? Second, he lost both his arms. That’s kind of funny but it probably shouldn’t be.

Holy shit, Edward TEARS HER HEAD OFF.

Chapter 25- Mirror

I have to take a break here.

Edward stretched out his arm, his hand curled into a fist. Seth grinned, revealing the long row of dagger teeth, and bumped his nose against Edward’s hand. Could this story get any cheesier?

Edward’s all scared that that Bella’s scared of him but she’s not, of course. Then she starts kissing his body. This just keeps getting more and more Harlequin.

“Seriously?” I finally asked. “You . . . what? Thought you’d scared me off?” I snorted. What a ridiculous idea! I mean, her boyfriend only killed and tore apart two vampires, but why should she be afraid?

“Seth was only feigning that he was hurt, Bella. It was a trick. And then you . . . !” He shook his head, unable to finish. “Seth couldn’t see what you were doing, so I had to step in. Seth’s a bit disgruntled that he can’t claim a single-handed defeat now.”
“Seth was . . . faking?”
Edward nodded sternly.
“Oh.” Bella is so fucking stupid.

“Well, I didn’t know that,” I said, on the offense now. “And it’s not easy being the only helpless person around. Just you wait till I’m a vampire! I’m not going to be sitting on the sidelines next time.” She sounds like a ten year old circa 1956.

Yay, the Volturi are back!

Oh of course, the only female werewolf was stupid and cocky and felt like she had to prove herself and then she did something stupid and almost got hurt.

Jacob, however, did get hurt. I think Smeyer has a hardon for vampires. Because all the werewolves are being stupid and getting hurt and yet the vampires, of course, are fine. And she goes catatonic again, yay. You know, someone should tell Smeyer that if she insists on using first person, it does not make for interesting reading when she keeps putting the main character in a catatonic state.

Jacob’s fine, but was there any doubt?

Alice grimaced toward her true love. Oh, GAG ME.

The vampires took a bad vampire hostage and Carlisle’s all “You must fight against the urge!”

“How can you stand it?” the girl groaned in a high, clear voice. “I want her.” Is this supposed to have lesbian sexual undertones? I think Smeyer is just so repressed that her sexual urges have to spill out onto the page.

The Volturi are here to kill all the newborns. Jane is questioning their hostage. I want to kill myself.

I kind of like Jane. She’s a little psychotic, but she’s badass.

Jane laughed — the sound was golden, the bubbling laugh of a happy child. “This one seems to bring out bizarrely strong reactions in our kind,” she observed, smiling directly at me, her face beatific. Because she’s a special little snowflake, HAVE YOU NOT HEARD?

“Come,” Jane said, and I looked up in time to see the backs of the tall gray cloaks drifting away toward the curling smoke. The incense smell was strong again — fresh. So…burning flesh smells like incense? So THAT’S what Father Mal burned all those times I went to church with Baba! No WONDER everyone hates him!

Chapter 26- Ethics

“Jacob is fine, Bella,” Alice said, easily interpreting my preoccupation. “There’s no hurry. If you realized how much extra morphine Carlisle had to give him — what with his temperature burning it off so quickly — you would know that he’s going to be out for a while.” Somehow I don’t think medicine works that way. I don’t think your body temperature affects the effectiveness of morphine.

“Will I be like that?” I asked her, my voice subdued. “Like that girl Bree in the meadow?” Of course not. Because Bella is perfect.

“Yeah — in between insulting somebody’s mother and taking the Lord’s name in vain, he said, ‘Bet you’re glad she loves Cullen instead of me today, huh, Charlie?’” Oh Charlie, I love you.

“He was nervous as a turkey on Thanksgiving all morning.” If I wasn’t blinded by love for Charlie, I would say something about the hick dialogue he’s forced to have. But this is just too funny.

“Will you tell me before you do anything major? Before you run off with him or something?” You may as well just hope for it to be cloudy with a chance of meatballs.

So now Bella goes to visit Jacob and I’m contemplating just skipping ahead to avoid this excruciating conversation that is sure to follow.

“A little stoned. Dr. Fang isn’t sure how much pain medication I need, so he’s going with trial and error. Think he overdid it.” Ha ha, I get it. But is it bad that as soon as I saw the word “Fang” I immediately thought of Fang from the Chick Tracts? I dreamed, by the way, about Chick Tracts last night. I have to stop reading those.

“It is my fault. And I’m so sick of being told it’s not.”
He grinned. It didn’t touch his eyes. “You want me to haul you over the coals?”
“Actually . . . I think I do.” Argh, she’s such a masochist.
He pursed his lips as he measured how much I meant it. A smile flashed across his face briefly, and then he twisted his expression into a fierce scowl.
“Kissing me back like that was inexcusable.” He spit the words at me. “If you knew you were just going to take it back, maybe you shouldn’t have been quite so convincing about it.” ExCUSE me? That was the whole POINT of your manipulation, so that she would kiss you back. And now you’re bitching at her for it?

“Sorry doesn’t make anything better, Bella. What were you thinking?” What? That’s what you WANTED her to do. I…can’t say that I’m understanding anything anymore.

And he calls her honey again. And compares her to…the kid in the story about King Solomon? Okay.

I’m so over this conversation.

I could so write a better story about a vampire/human/werewolf love triangle. I’m half tempted to just write one myself and send it to Little Brown.

He smiled halfheartedly. Then he frowned. “But isn’t it more dangerous than that? In all of the stories, they say it’s too hard . . . they lose control . . . people die. . . .” He gulped. So…exactly how many stories are there about vampires having sex with humans? It’s implied that there’s quite a few, but that would mean that the werewolves are just a bunch of voyeurs.

Chapter 27- Needs

Why, oh why am I torturing myself like this?

Bella stops by the side of the road and starts crying, Alice sees it and Edward comes to help her, and honestly, it’s not NORMAL that she doesn’t ever want privacy.

“I’ll be in my room,” I told him, shrugging out from underneath his hands. “I’ll be in my bunk.” NO! MUST NOT TAINT FIREFLY!

Fifteen pages. Probably less, taking into account the flyleaf and acknowledgements and about the author. I’m fading fast.

More self image issues.

I shook my head. “You don’t understand. You may be brave enough or strong enough to live without me, if that’s what’s best. But I could never be that self-sacrificing. I have to be with you. It’s the only way I can live.” I must vomit.

She’s quoting from Wuthering Heights now.

Alice has Bella’s wedding dress on hand. Okay?

She took a step back, holding her hand out to the dress like she was a game show hostess. Uh, the game show hosts don’t show off the merchandise, duh. The Barker Beauties do!

Why exactly does Bella equate “marriage” with “Anne of Green Gables”? I equate it with farming. Redheads. Orphans. Blackboard tablets. Boats. PEI. Old people. Not marriage, really.

Bella’s birthday is September 13th. Okay, this is wrong for a few reasons. First, my birthday is September 11th. MINE. NOT HERS. And also, I give all my heroines the same birthday. I want their birthdays to be in September, but not mine because it’s mine, and because it’s 9/11. And I like the number 13 so I always make their birthdays September 13th. The same as Bella’s. NOOOOOOOOOO! DO NOT WANT!

“Tell me why you’re doing this, Bella. Why did you decide, now, to give Alice free reign?” GODDAMMIT. Giving “free rein”. Like, you know, a horse has reins? Free REIN.

And Edward randomly is not going to marry her. Because she’s trying to make everyone else happy.

And now he’s starting to call her “Bella, love”. Apparently this gets annoying in Breaking Dawn.

Oh, never mind!my less noble side exulted. My head was full of the sweetness of his breath. Breath is not sweet. Breath is gross.

Oh for fuck’s sake. Edward’s not going to marry her but he will sex her up, in fact he will do it RIGHT NOW and now…SHE DOESN’T WANT TO? I DON’T UNDERSTAND. And she wants to get married…? Nothing makes SENSE.

Epilogue- Choice

Wow. It took me awhile to figure this out, but we are in Jacob’s POV now. I think Smeyer should make this clearer.

“For you ?” It took me a minute to believe she was serious. “You have to be the most self-absorbed person alive, Leah. I’d hate to shatter the dream world you live in — the one where the sun is orbiting the place where you stand — so I won’t tell you how little I care what your problem is. Go. Away. ” Why, oh why does she have to make every female a selfish harpy?

NO WAY. Jacob just called her a harpy!

I really want to like Leah but I just CAN’T.

“This is making me sick, Jacob. Can you imagine what this feels like tome ? I don’t even like Bella Swan. And you’ve got me grieving over this leech-lover like I’m in love with her, too. Can you see where that might be a little confusing? I dreamed about kissing her last night! What the hell am I supposed to do with that ?” More lesbian overtones.

She scrambled to her feet — pausing only to spit in my direction — and ran for the trees, vibrating like a tuning fork. If she’s vibrating like a tuning fork, maybe she’s seizing. Someone should call an ambulance.

Jacob got a wedding invitation. Way to twist the knife in deeper, guys.

Jacob runs away and there’s an awesome visual of him tearing off his clothes as he does so. Somehow I don’t think this book is supposed to be as hilarious as it is.

The acknowledgements page is very long. It just amazes me that this many people were in close contact with this book series and no one, NOT ONE PERSON, was like, “Stephenie, this book is shit.”

NO NO NO NO NO. In addition to thanking Muse, as per usual, and SHE ALSO THANKS JACK’S MANNEQUIN. NO NO NO NO NO. She also thanks Blue October, which is good because they’re a shit band.

Eclipse Chapters 19 and 20

Chapter 19- Selfish

Only nine more chapters. So that's only...five more days. Five more days.

EDWARD CARRIED ME HOME IN HIS ARMS, EXPECTINGthat I wouldn’t be able to hang on. I must have fallen asleep on the way.
When I woke up, I was in my bed and the dull light coming through my windows slanted in from a strange angle. Almost like it was afternoon.
I yawned and stretched, my fingers searching for him and coming up empty.
“Edward?” I mumbled.
My seeking fingers encountered something cool and smooth. His hand.
“Are you really awake this time?” he murmured.
“Mmm,” I sighed in assent. “Have there been a lot of false alarms?”
“You’ve been very restless — talking all day.”
“Allday ?” I blinked and looked at the windows again.
“You had a long night,” he said reassuringly. “You’d earned a day in bed.”
I sat up, and my head spun. The lightwas coming in my window from the west. “Wow.”
“Hungry?” he guessed. “Do you want breakfast in bed?”
“I’ll get it,” I groaned, stretching again. “I need to get up and move around.”
He held my hand on the way to the kitchen, eyeing me carefully, like I might fall over. Or maybe he thought I was sleepwalking.

How old is she, seriously? Also, where's Charlie? Where are they right now? I'm really confused.

“Jacob Black can give you presents.”
It wasn’t a question, or an accusation. Just a statement of fact. But I knew he was referring to my last birthday and the fit I’d thrown over gifts; I hadn’t wanted any. Especially not from Edward.

Oh Edward. Keep getting jealous over random stupid things, you abusive motherfucker. Also, he's going to give her a charm for her bracelet. A hand me down, apparently.

“Have you noticed the inequality?” he asked, and his voice turned accusing. “Because I certainly have.”
“What inequality?”
His eyes narrowed. “Everyone else is able to get away with giving you things. Everyone but me. I would have loved to get you a graduation present, but I didn’t. I knew it would have upset you more than if anyone else did. That’s utterly unfair. How do you explain yourself?”
“Easy.” I shrugged. “You’re more important than everyone else. And you’ve given meyou . That’s already more than I deserve, and anything else you give me just throws us more out of balance.”

I just...don't want to read these conversations anymore, Smeyer. Kthx.

Also, they're talking about some shit and a clearing but I am tired and I don't want to try to understand. Also, Jacob is second in command of the wolves. I'm not sure if this fact will need to be remembered.

“They always accepted without question that it was only the direct grandsons of the original wolf who had the power to transform.” So...how come all these guys can fursplode? Unless La Push is really, really incestuous.

Hey, Leah is a werewolf. What? A WOMAN is powerful and strong? Am I still reading the same book? And now Sam and Leah can hear each other's thoughts, and that's gotta be a bit awkward.

“Poor Leah,” I whispered.
Edward snorted. “She’s making life exceedingly unpleasant for the rest of them. I’m not sure she deserves your sympathy.” Aaaand we're back to women being ungrateful harpy bitches. My...I don't think you would it respect, but something like it, for Smeyer evaporated after an impressive thirty seconds. Only Smeyer can make me go from like to extreme dislike of a character in so little time.

So Leah keeps thinking of things the pack wants to forget. Embry doesn't know who his father is and then he joined the pack, so his father has to be Quil's dad, Sam's dad, or Jacob's dad.

It wasn’t so much that I had to be in the clearing. I just had to be where Edward was.
Cruel,I accused myself.Selfish, selfish, selfish! Don’t do it!
I ignored my better instincts. I couldn’t look at him while I spoke, though. The guilt had my eyes glued to the table.
“Okay, look, Edward,” I whispered. “Here’s the thing . . . I’ve already gone crazy once. I know what my limits are.And I can’t stand it if you leave me again. ” She's such a bitch. She will hurt anyone and do anything to get what she wants.

“I can’t stand it,” I insisted, still staring down. “Not knowing whether or not you’ll come back. How do I live through that, no matter how quickly it’s over?” Don't you know yet that you're ina Smeyer book? Edward will come back, unscathed, riding on a unicorn, holding a puppy and a kitten in each hand, after single handedly killing the vampire army with his toes, DUH.

I wondered if I was a monster. Not the kind that he thought he was, but the real kind. The kind that hurt people. The kind that had no limits when it came to what they wanted. Hey, that's basically what I said before!

Bella wants Edward to sit out the battle so that he can babysit her. Smart, Bella. He's like the strongest one there. If you want everyone to come back alive, let him fight! We all know that it's not going to turn into a real physical battle anyway.

What I wanted was to keep him safe, safe with me. Did I have a limit to what I would do, what I would sacrifice for that? I wasn’t sure.
“You ask me to let them fight without my help?” he said in a quiet voice.
“Yes.” I was surprised I could keep my voice even, I felt so wretched inside. “Or to let me be there. Either way, so long as we’re together.”

I need to kill someone. Possibly myself. I can't see into her mind. She's making Edward sit out of the battle, the BATTLE TO SAVE HER LIFE so that they can stay together. Despite the fact that their side needs all the people they can get and if he's there the chances are higher that everyone will live. Just so that she can have a little peace of mind.

“Don’t apologize,” he said, smiling just a little. “Never be afraid to tell me how you feel, Bella. If this is what you need . . .” He shrugged. “You are my first priority.”
“I didn’t mean it that way — like you have to choose me over your family.” That's exactly what you meant, Bella, don't lie.

“Anytime,” he answered, kissing my hair. “Anything.” Anyway, anyhow, anywheeeeeeeeere!

Bella was talking in her sleep again about the third wife. Remember, the werewolf chick who stabbed herself to distract the vampires? I wonder if this will be significant later.

“Hello, Alice,” he greeted her. He put one finger under my chin and tilted my face up to kiss me
goodbye. I first read this as "He put one finger under HER chin" and I was like "WHOA HOLY INCEST BATMAN!"

“There’s not much to arrange,” Alice said. “I already told them. Emmett is pleased.”
Edward sighed. “Of course he is.” Squee, EMMETT!

So question. Alice psychically sensed that Jasper was her soulmate and then she accosted him in that bar and they lived happily ever after. But did she fall in love with him BECAUSE her psychic visions said she would? Or does she genuinely love him? If she didn't know that eventually she fell in love with him which, let's remember, could change because the future isn't certain, would she have fallen in love with him? What if Jasper all of a sudden went schizophrenic and her visions changed? What then, Alice? It's like the precog thing from Minority Report and the whole controversy over precrime. If it hasn't happened yet, is it technically a crime? If she hasn't fallen in love with someone yet, can she fall in love just because she knows she does? All this time stuff hurts my head.

I think it's cute how Charlie loves Alice.

Alice nodded, her face suddenly forlorn. “Yes. They’reall going, except me. We always go
backpacking at the end of the school year, sort of a celebration, but this year I decided I’d rather shop than hike, and not one of them will stay behind with me. I’m abandoned.” The little women can't hike. They would all rather go shopping, instead! Anyway, Alice pretends she's all forlorn that her whole family is gone and Charlie suggests that Bella stay at the Cullens until they get back. SNEAKY.

Jasper and Emmett were already wrestling — just warming up from the sounds of their laughter. These two need their own spinoff, seriously.

How long is this fucking chapter?

Jacob continued to stare at me.
“He wants to know why,” Edward murmured.
Jacob growled — not a threatening sound, an annoyed sound — and Edward’s lips twitched.
“What?” I asked.
“He thinks my translations leave something to be desired. What he actually thought was, ‘That’s really stupid. What is there to be worried about?’ I edited, because I thought it was rude.”

Oh man, that is SO RUDE. How could Bella's little virgin ears STAND TO HEAR THAT? Good thing Edward's there to edit out the word "stupid" so that Bella won't swoon again for the 348457854th time.

Chapter 20- Compromise

Remember those Muse concert tickets Bella bought? she's given them to Angela, Ben, Mike, and Jessica. I think she bought two, but apparently these are magic tickets that can get four people in to the concert.

One way or another, this would all be over in forty-eight hours. How do they know this will be over in two days? Did they meet with the vampire and they were all, "Yeah, we've got a heavy schedule. How's a three day battle for you?" and the Cullens were like, "Well, we've gotta get back to fucking in our quasi-incestuous family. How about two days?" and the other vampires were like, "Cool. Works for us!"

As soon as I cut the engine he was at my door, opening it for me. He lifted me from the cab with one arm, slinging my bag out of the truck bed and over his shoulder with the other. His lips found mine as I heard him kick the truck’s door shut behind me.
Without breaking the kiss, he swung me up so that I was cradled in his arms and carried me into the house. Does she honestly have to be carried everywhere? And how can he keep kissing her as he a) Kicks closed the door, b) lifts her up, and c) opens the door to the house? I don't get how that works.

So Edward gives her a heart charm.
“But I thought it was a good representation,” he continued. “It’s hard and cold.” He laughed. “And it throws rainbows in the sunlight.” If you just take this section out of context, he could be talking about his wang.

I leaned into him, ducking my head under his arm and cuddling into his side. It probably felt similar to snuggling with Michelangelo’sDavid, except that this perfect marble creature wrapped his arms around me to pull me closer.

How is cuddling with a statue even remotely attractive?

“Well,” he said, and his face was calculating. “If you’re my wife, then what’s mine is yours . . . like tuition money. So there would be no problem with Dartmouth.”
“Anything else? While you’re already being absurd?”

Damn that Edward, always bringing up a fucking EDUCATION. It's just so ABSURD.

“I wouldn’t mind sometime. ”
“No. No time. That’s a deal breaker right there.”

Her education is...a dealbreaker? AL;KSDFHYAUSILGFASJDFK

So Bella wants to have sex before she turns into a vampire and Edward's all like "NO, I'LL HURT YOU".

While I was ranting, he pulled my hands together to restrain them in just one of his, and put his other hand over my mouth. Sure, I want my boyfriend to grab my arms and put his hand over my mouth so that I can't state my opinion. EDWARD IS THE PERFECT MAN.

I’d never made myself quite so vulnerable before. Really? Do you...remember some of the shit you've said and done?

“You know why I have to say no,” he murmured. “You know that I want you, too.”
“Do you?” I whispered, my voice full of doubt.
“Of course I do, you silly, beautiful, oversensitive girl.” He laughed once, and then his voice was bleak.
“Doesn’t everyone? I feel like there’s a line behind me, jockeying for position, waiting for me to make a big enough mistake. . . . You’re too desirable for your own good.”
“Who’s being silly now?” I doubted if awkward, self-conscious, and inept added up todesirable in anyone’s book.
“Do I have to send a petition around to get you to believe? Shall I tell you whose names would be on the top of the list? You know a few of them, but some might surprise you.”

You mean there's MORE people who are desperately in love with Bella? Are you SERIOUS?

“Getting married is a stretch for me. I’m not giving in unless I get something in return.” I thought what you were getting in return was that Edward was going to turn you. DO YOU NOT REMEMBER THIS CONVERSATION? I stand by my earlier assertion that Smeyer has short term memory loss and she honestly doesn't remember what she writes from minute to minute.

His lips were at my ear again. “Bella,” he murmured, his voice warm and velvet. “Would youplease stop trying to take your clothes off?”
“Do you want to do that part?” I asked, confused.

Did Tara Gillesbie write this part? "But Edward, don't you want to stick your thingie into my you-know-what? We can French passively!" I can't remember where I read this, but it's a good rule: If you can't actually say the word "sex" then you shouldn't be having it.

Does this argument honestly have to continue over like thirty pages? Word padding is not always a good thing. Sometimes it's better to actually take OUT words, although that concept is probably blasphemy to someone like Smeyer.

“There isn’t much that’s traditional about you and me.” Really? The woman is completely vulnerable to her sexual desires, she can't do anything without her man, she swoons constantly, she can't stand the sight of blood. The man is smarter, more controlled, and strong. I'd say that was VERY traditional. Stereotypical, even.

Good GOD can we just STOP TALKING ABOUT THE SEX VS. MARRIAGE THING IT'S GETTING REALLY OLD.

“You know that I’ve stolen, I’ve lied, I’ve coveted . . . my virtue is all I have left.” He grinned
crookedly. Tee hee hee, he's worried about his VIRTUE being tainted. I think Smeyer's fucking with us and it will soon be revealed that this is some kind of alternate history where the Victorian paradigm never changed. It will be revealed randomly at the end of the series like the "Dumbledore is gay" thing.

“I can’t believe I’m going along with this. When I think of Charlie . . . and Renée! Can you imagine what Angela will think? Or Jessica? Ugh. I can hear the gossip now.” That's why you MOVE AWAY, dumbass.

Edward interrupted my fretting. “It doesn’t have to be a big production. I don’t need any fanfare. You won’t have to tell anyone or make any changes. We’ll go to Vegas — you can wear old jeans and we’ll go to the chapel with the drive-through window. I just want it to be official — that you belong to me and no one else. ” The fact that he emphasized "no one else" is really creepy. "You belong to me...and NO ONE ELSE."

He laughed at my expression. “That’s fine. I’ll get it on your finger soon enough.” Ha ha ha I just read this sentence out of context and I was like, "WHOA, WHAT ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT?" That's the second sexual innuendo in this recap. Maybe Smeyer is actually smarter and more subtle than we all give her credit for...HA HA HA I got you there. We all know she's a misogynistic dumbass.

“Isabella Swan?” He looked up at me through his impossibly long lashes, his golden eyes soft but, somehow, still scorching. “I promise to love you forever — every single day of forever. Will you marry me?”

Department of Redundancy Department, anyone? What is the difference between "forever" and "every day of forever"? When you say "forever" isn't it implied that you will love someone all the time, for forever? GAH.

“Thank you,” he said simply. He took my left hand and kissed each of my fingertips before he kissed the ring that was now mine. Urgh THE GOO AND THE CHEESE. I cannot STAND IT.

Eclipse Chapters 17 and 18

Chapter 17- Alliance

So Alice has turned their house into some kind of rave for Bella's grad. I went to a few grad parties and...none of them were like this.

I'm just wondering. Is Jasper going to be there? Because they were all worried when only Bella was there. Now there's a shitload of warm, blood filled bodies in the house, and there's going to be glass probably, and knives and shit. If that shit goes FUBAR then there's gonna be a lot more blood than from a paper cut. Maybe Emmett just convinced Jasper to go off with him and tend to their underground gambling ring. Seriously, can someone write that? I might just write it myself. I hate fanfiction, but in this case...I think I'll make an exception.

It was a Suburban-load of my friends, either too nervous or too intimidated to arrive on their own. Jessica was the first one in the door, with Mike right behind her. Tyler, Conner, Austin, Lee, Samantha . .. even Lauren trailing in last, her critical eyes alight with curiosity. Okay, who would say "Suburban load" instead of "car load"? And SHIT these people keep multiplying like bunnies. Honestly, who the hell are these people? Conner, Austin, Lee, and Samantha? Have they even been mentioned, ever? And I didn't think Tyler was even friends with them. Didn't the extent of Bella and Tyler's interaction consist of him almost killing her and then him randomly falling in love with her? And then he just kind of disappeared? Why is he there?

I saw Emmett grin at Mike over the food table, the red lights gleaming off his teeth, and watched Mike take an automatic step back. Hee, Emmett! This love is irrational and strange and out of nowhere, but it makes me happy.

It wasn’t as hard as I’d thought it would be. I followed Alice’s lead, mingling and chatting for a minute with everyone. Okay, you know something is fucking off when Bella has to watch Alice to see how to interact in a social situation, when Alice, let's remember here, DOESN'T REMEMBER HER HUMAN LIFE AT ALL.

Edward was at my side — still refusing to let go of me. He kept one hand securely at my waist, pulling me closer now and then in response to thoughts I probably didn’t want to hear. Do they honestly have to be together ALL THE FREAKING TIME? I cannot say ENOUGH how that would piss me off.

And Jacob's here now. This can't end well. And Quil and Embry! I think I like them, but I can't remember. Anyhoodle, Bella and Jacob get into an argument about the quasi-rape incident. What? She refused his grad present, and now she's asking for it. Huh?

And of course it's some kind of stereotypical Native American doodad bracelet thingie. Because Natives can't just buy shit in a store like everyone else. And they're randomly friends again. Just ply Bella with materialistic shit and she is putty in your hands! Jacob and Alice look like they're going to have a smackdown but it never materializes.

Also, the vampire army is coming to Forks and apparently this fucking surprises everyone, despite the fact that it's already been established that they have been created for the express purpose of killing Bella, and Bella is in Forks so ipso facto...everyone's minds work so slow in these books.

Oh, and Jasper is there. Did everyone just forget when he almost tore Bella's head off when she had a tiny paper cut? These people have no concept of foresight.

The werewolves and vampires have to work together to save Bella, the pretty special snowflake. Honestly, why is everyone jumping up and putting themselves in danger to save Bella? I guess I sorta get the vampires. I mean, Bella's sort of like their family (I actually wrote vampire first). And I get why Jacob is all into it, but why the hell do the werewolves care about her? They don't even know her. Would I put myself in mortal danger to save a friend of a friend, when said friend is the friend of my mortal enemy? I don't think so.

Chapter 18- Instruction

My love for Emmett is like my love for Dorota. I am filled with glee and happiness whenever they show up.

“THAT HAD TO BE THE LONGEST PARTY IN THE HISTORYof the world,” I complained on the way home.
Edward didn’t seem to disagree. “It’s over now,” he said, rubbing my arm soothingly.

Stop yelling at me. And also, boo hoo Bella. People love you and want to celebrate the fact that you graduated. Keep whining, little bitch. And I love how Edward is all comforting her. Like, you can just take that last line and put it at the end of a paragraph about Bella like, killing someone, or being tortured, or writing a really bad exam or something.

His eyes tightened. Can you explain to me how someone can tighten their eyes? What exactly does that mean? Do they like screw them in more so that they aren't so loose?

“Dad! Charlie!” Is she calling two different people? Does Charlie have a split personality?

“Piece of cake,” I mumbled tonelessly against his chest. That is the fucking strangest adverb I have ever seen in that context. Someone should tell Smeyer that you don't have to add strange and arbitrary words to sound smart. Sometimes it just makes you look dumber.

Victoria is creating the vampire army. I don't know if I read this on recaps somewhere or if everyone if this book is so stupid, but I thought this was a given. I'm going with the latter.

I stared at Edward, my eyes stretched wide. “They’re coming as wolves?” Well why is that so fucking terrifying? She's seen them in wolf form like three times already AND she knows they aren't going to hurt her. So what's the problem?

The vampires and werewolves make plans to kill the newborn vampires.

“They’ll fight like children. The two most important things you’ll need to remember are, first, don’t let them get their arms around you and, second, don’t go for the obvious kill. That’s all they’ll be prepared for. As long as you come at them from the side and keep moving, they’ll be too confused to respond effectively. Emmett?”
Emmett stepped out of the line with a huge smile.
Jasper backed toward the north end of the opening between the allied enemies. He waved Emmett forward.
“Okay, Emmett first. He’s the best example of a newborn attack.”
Emmett’s eyes narrowed. “I’lltry not to break anything,” he muttered.
Jasper grinned. “What I meant is that Emmett relies on his strength. He’s very straightforward about the attack. The newborns won’t be trying anything subtle, either. Just go for the easy kill, Emmett.”

Squee, EMMETT!

“Very,” I agreed, not looking away from Edward as he glided noiselessly toward Jasper, his movements lithe and watchful as a jungle cat. Dear God, this is just...cliched and Harlequin and weird.

So why does Bella have to be there to watch the training, I ask you? All she's doing is squinting through her eyes and acting like a little baby as the vampires play attack each other.

Okay, weird. The wolves are sniffing the vampires to get their scents and then Bella pets Jacob, aww, and then...he licks her face? I get that he's like a dog and everything, but he's human. Would you be happy if your friend licked your face?

It was hard to read the wolves’ faces. I fucking wonder why. Maybe because WOLVES CAN'T MAKE EXPRESSIONS?

Jacob loped back into view, on two legs this time. His broad chest was bare, his hair tangled and shaggy. He wore only a pair of black sweat pants, his feet bare to the cold ground. Classy. I feel so sorry for Tyler Lautner or whatever his name is, because this is what he has to wear for like, three books.

They discuss where to hide Bella. Jacob has to carry her around to fuck up her scent and...why? He just carries her in a ginormous loop and then goes back. What the hell point does THAT have? Okay, it's just an experiment. I have to stop skimming, or else I miss stuff.

Eclipse Chapters 15 and 16

Chapter 15- Wager

I have to stop reading Chick tracts. THEY ARE MESSING WITH MY HEAD. This stuff doesn't look NEARLY as batshit anymore.

Anyway, Jacob's revelation completely comes out of left field apparently, despite the fact that she keeps talking about how she doesn't like it that he loves her and he holds her hand and always wants to hang out with her and SERIOUSLY, how socially inept IS SHE? Like, does she not know how to read people AT ALL?

“Tell me exactly why you want me around, then.”
I thought carefully. “I miss you when you’re not there. When you’re happy,” I qualified carefully, “it makes me happy. But I could say the same thing about Charlie, Jacob. You’re family. I love you, but I’m notin love with you.”
He nodded, unruffled. “But you do want me around.”

Seriously, how much perseverance does this guy HAVE? He's been in unrequited love with her for like two and a half books and he still is not giving up, or even showing any signs of decline in his devotion. It's kind of going from "charmingly overconfident" to "annoyingly arrogant".

He nodded, unruffled. “But you do want me around.”
“Yes.” I sighed. He was impossible to discourage.
“Then I’ll stick around.”
“You’re a glutton for punishment,” I grumbled.
“Yep.” He stroked the tips of his fingers across my right cheek. I slapped his hand away.
“Do you think you could behave yourself a little better, at least?” I asked, irritated.
“No, I don’t. You decide, Bella. You can have me the way I am — bad behavior included — or not at all.”
I stared at him, frustrated. “That’s mean.”
“So are you.”

How old is Bella? Like ten? Also, Jacob's being kind of emotionally manipulative here. "If you want to hang out, you have to let me grope you even though you have a boyfriend or WE CAN'T BE FRIENDS." If I had a friend like that, I'd tell him to fuck off, if he has absolutely no regard for her feelings or romantic situation.

I just want to get the quasi rape part over with. When is that coming? Never mind, it's coming up ahead. There be monsters!

Suddenly, he was serious. He took my chin in his hand, holding it firmly so that I couldn’t look away from his intent gaze.
“Until your heart stops beating, Bella,” he said. “I’ll be here — fighting. Don’t forget that you have options.”
“I don’t want options,” I disagreed, trying to yank my chin free unsuccessfully. “And my heartbeats are numbered, Jacob. The time is almost gone.”
His eyes narrowed. “All the more reason to fight — fight harder now, while I can,” he whispered.

I have to fight my inner romantic! He is charming me but I KNOW HE TURNS INTO AN ASSHOLE. Right now, in fact. This has to go in its entirety.

His lips crushed mine, stopping my protest. He kissed me angrily, roughly, his other hand gripping tight around the back of my neck, making escape impossible. I shoved against his chest with all my strength, but he didn’t even seem to notice. His mouth was soft, despite the anger, his lips molding to mine in a warm, unfamiliar way. I just don't understand here. We have the first part, which I guess for some people could be considered hot. Angry kisses are hot! And then she shoves him away and he pulls her closer, which is getting a little into quasi-rape territory, and then she talks about his "warm, soft lips". Like, are we supposed to like this part? Is it supposed to be romantic? The prose flips from good to bad to good. I mean...I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT TO FEEL!

I grabbed at his face, trying to push it away, failing again. I just got this amazing mental image where they're kissing and then she grabs fistfuls of his cheeks and tries to push him away.

He seemed to notice this time, though, and it aggravated him. His lips forced mine open, and I could feel his hot breath in my mouth.
Acting on instinct, I let my hands drop to my side, and shut down. I opened my eyes and didn’t fight, didn’t feel . . . just waited for him to stop. Oh good FUCKING lord. SERIOUSLY. NO. NO YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DO NOTHING AND WAIT FOR IT TO STOP. Women have been fighting for equality since...I don't know, the earliest feminist I can think of is Mary Wollstonecraft, so it's been at least 250 years or so. And then Smeyer comes along to fuck it all up. HELL NO.

It worked. The anger seemed to evaporate, and he pulled back to look at me. He pressed his lips softly to mine again, once, twice . . . a third time. I pretended I was a statue and waited.
Finally, he let go of my face and leaned away.
How can that be a turn on for anyone but like, a necrophiliac? I'm going to kiss this unresponsive person who doesn't want me in any way and it's totally turning me on! Also, it's getting harder and harder to like anyone in this book. I liked Jacob but then...this happened. I like Charlie but Bella's stupidity and her bitchery towards him is colouring my whole perception of him and I associate him with Bella and so I dislike him. The residual love from his character in the movie is wearing off. I like Emmett, but that is directly from Growing Up Cullen. So really, I don't like anyone, and it's exhausting reading a book where there are NO sympathetic characters. I guess the closest any other book has come to having the same situation is The Kite Runner with Amir, who's kind of an asshole, the dad, who is a stubborn and judgmental asshole, Hassad (is that his name?) who is a doormat, that psycho guy who anal rapes people when he's like, twelve. But at least Amir goes through actual character development over the course of one book. I mean, here it is the third book and Bella hasn't developed as a person at all.

“Are you done now?” I asked in an expressionless voice.
“Yes,” he sighed. He started to smile, closing his eyes.
If you took this interaction and placed it in a book where the main character got raped by a serial killer, it would make sense. Thus, the fact that it is in a book about a girl interacting with her supposed best friend, who in New Moon was nice, sweet, and caring, it MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE.

So then she punches him and it does nothing AND she breaks her hand, which is another instance of Smeyer going "Women cannot do anything physical. They cannot even stand up for themselves because the men are bigger, stronger, and (apparently) impervious to pain. The most you can do is just stand still and endure". It's like that whole "lie back and think of England" thing except THIS IS THE 21st CENTURY. As someone in the anti-Twilight Facebook group so eloquently put it, "WTF Smeyer? You have a vag too!" I just don't understand female anti-feminists. I mean, I get it if you're like 90 and grew up with those values, but Smeyer grew up in like, the seventies and eighties. What the hell?

Wait. How did she get to La Push if she has no car? Never mind, they did the Bella tradeoff thing.

“Just let me drive you home,” Jacob insisted. Unbelievably, he had the nerve to wrap his arm around my waist.
I jerked away from him.
“Fine!” I growled. “Do!I can’t wait to see what Edward does to you! I hope he snaps your neck, you pushy, obnoxious, moronic DOG!”

First of all, who the HELL in the world has this conversation:
"Let me drive you home."
"Do!"

Like, what is this, the 19th century? Also, the most she could home up with was "dog"? The guy you thought you could trust implicitly just forced himself on you when you've explicitly stated a few times that you only like him as a friend AND you have a boyfriend? What, you couldn't force your virgin mouth to say "motherfucker" or "son of a bitch"? At the very LEAST she could have called him a jerk or something.

“I hate you, Jacob Black.”
“That’s good. Hate is a passionate emotion.”
“I’ll give you passionate,” I muttered under my breath. “Murder, the ultimate crime of passion.”
“Oh, c’mon,” he said, all cheery and looking like he was about to start whistling again. “That had to be better than kissing a rock.”
“Not even remotely close,” I told him coldly.
He pursed his lips. “You could just be saying that.”
“But I’m not.”
That seemed to bother him for a second, but then he perked up. “You’re just mad. I don’t have any experience with this kind of thing, but I thought it was pretty incredible myself.”

Passionate hate is not the same as passionate love. Not everyone can be Mr. and Mrs. Smith. And who, after forcing a kiss one someone and then getting punched, starts whistling cheerily? What the fuck is this Snow White and Seven Dwarves for the Rapist's Soul? And yes, I did mix two different books there, why do you ask? And "It was pretty incredible"? SOMEONE'S got a pretty high opinion of themselves? And he kissed a nonresponsive person. I'm fairly certain not much pleasure can be had out of kissing someone who's not kissing you back. I mean, I used to practice on my pillows so I would know.

"I would never, never hurt you, Bella.”
I held up my injured hand.
He sighed. “That wasn’t my fault. You should have known better.” Okay, what kind of condescending bullshit is THIS? "You were just going to hurt yourself, so why bother fighting back against an oppressive asshole who doesn't know when to quit?" Right now, rape victims everywhere are gearing up to put a hit on Smeyer.

He grinned over at me. “You kissed me back.” Are you SHITTING me? Does Jacob know what a kiss is like? Bella explicitly stated that she shut down and didn't do anything. She definitely didn't kiss him back, at least not from what I read. Jacob is a wee bit delusional.

“Obviously you can’t — that was not kissing back, that was trying to get you the hell off of me, you idiot. ” Is she...standing up for herself? WHAT KIND OF STRANGE PARALLEL DIMENSION HAVE I ENTERED?

“This is your home, Bella,” he said quietly.
“Yes, but do any doctors live here?” I asked, holding up my hand again.
“Oh.” He thought about that for a minute. “I’ll take you to the hospital. Or Charlie can.”
“I don’t want to go to the hospital. It’s embarrassing and unnecessary.”

Yes, those goddamn hospitals. They like, help people and shit, but they're totally unnecessary, especially in cases of broken hands.

Okay, and now, because Smeyer has to totally fuck up the only other likeable character in this horrific "saga", I present to you "What If Charlie Was a Misogynistic Asshole?" courtesy of Stephenie Meyer.

“Hey, Charlie,” Jacob answered casually, pausing. I stalked on to the kitchen.
“What’s wrong with her?” Charlie wondered.
“She thinks she broke her hand,” I heard Jacob tell him. I went to the freezer and pulled out a tray of ice cubes.
“How did she do that?” As my father, I thought Charlie ought to sound a bit less amused and a bit more concerned.
Jacob laughed. “She hit me.”
Charlie laughed, too, and I scowled while I beat the tray against the edge of the sink. The ice scattered inside the basin, and I grabbed a handful with my good hand and wrapped the cubes in the dishcloth on the counter.
“Why did she hit you?”
“Because I kissed her,” Jacob said, unashamed.
“Good for you, kid,” Charlie congratulated him.

Okay wow. First off, you'd think Charlie would be a bit more worried that his daughter broke her hand. Second, "Oh yeah, Charlie, I forced myself on your unwilling daughter and she hit me. Isn't that sweet?" "Good going, Jacob! Who cares about free will!" Like, WHAT THE FUCK, seriously? Where did this sudden 180 come from? When did Charlie turn into a prick? WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO MAKE ME HATE EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER SHE CREATES? ;LSAJHDFKJHSDFLKJASHFDH. Notice that Charlie doesn't even ask if she's okay. If I broke my hand punching someone who kissed me when I didn't want them to, I'm fairly certain that my dad would go get his shotgun. Even if it was someone he liked. At the very least, my BROTHER would. Smeyer wants everyone to believe that women are weak little damsels who can't and SHOULDN'T take care of themselves, and all men are misogynistic assholes who just use women for their own amusement. THIS JUST PISSES ME OFF AT EVERY LEVEL IMAGINABLE.

“Good,” Edward said bleakly. “Though I’m sorry you’re hurt.”
I laughed once, because he sounded as pleased as Charlie had. What? Charlie was pleased that she hit Jacob? Or is she being sarcastic, despite the fact that Charlie and Edward had two completely disparate reactions? I just...I don't even understand this. Does Smeyer have the same kind of condition as that guy in Memento, who can't remember things from minute to minute? Like, does she honestly just forget what she writes and how she made the characters behave previously, and just goes "eh, fuck it" and injects them with new emotions and character traits and hopes that her readers don't notice? Like, I wish I could just see into her head. I bet it's an interesting and trippy place.

In the other room, Charlie spoke again. “Maybe you ought to take off, Jake,” he suggested. Wow. WOW. I thought he said "Maybe you ought to take it off, Jake" and I was like, "THAT IS A PLOT TWIST I DIDN'T SEE COMING." Weirdest. Slash. EVAR. It's like that weird sexual tension that Vanessa and Rufus have on Gossip Girl, except more bizarre. Anyway, Jacob just invites himself over and decide that he's going to hang around the house with...Charlie? By himself? You know, maybe that plot twist isn't so out of the realm of possibility at all.

“How’s your hand?” Charlie asked as I walked by. Charlie looked uncomfortable. Jacob lolled next to him on the sofa, perfectly at ease. Jacob just reminds me of like, those smarmy rich kids from 80's John Hughes movies. I could totally see him played by James Spader or something, except I don't want to sully James Spader. I have residual love for him as Daniel Jackson in Stargate, and that residual love is STRONG considering I didn't like the movie and LOVE the TV series, and Daniel Jackson isn't even played by James Spader in the series.

I can't BELIEVE Charlie is still on Jacob's side. Like, he even gives off the impression of being mad at Bella for punching him, even though SHE WAS JUST STANDING UP FOR HERSELF. What the hell, Charlie? I'm just going to imagine him from the movie so I can still love him. Fuck, I need to like SOMEONE in this godforsaken book.

Also, how can she break her hand punching Jacob? He's not made of stone, like the vampires. So she must have hit him pretty fucking hard, except he didn't even feel it, so it can't have been that hard. And I don't think the werewolves have super strength or whatever like Superman, especially not when they're in human form. And even if she kept her thumb on the inside like an amateur, that would just break her THUMB, not her whole fucking HAND. So I really don't understand. Honestly, has Smeyer just been in like, suspended animation or something for the past decade? I have no idea how anyone can have so little knowledge on how teenagers behave or speak, of basic physics, or fundamental knowledge of the supernatural.

“Hmph,” I grumbled. And again, people do not actually SAY "hmph" in casual conversation. Only in comic books, and unless I have missed something crucial, this is not a graphic novel.

Then he turned back to Jacob. “But if you ever bring her back damaged again--" Doesn't it sound like he's talking about, I don't know, a Transformers toy or something? "I know it has a three year warranty, but if you EVER scratch Optimus Prime's head again, I will END YOU."

Edward continued as if he hadn’t heard me. “And if you ever kiss her again, Iwill break your jaw for her,” he promised, his voice still gentle and velvet and deadly.
“What if she wants me to?” Jacob drawled, arrogant.
“Hah!” I snorted.
“If that’s what she wants, then I won’t object.” Edward shrugged, untroubled. “You might want to wait for her tosay it, rather than trust your interpretation of body language — but it’s your face.”
Jacob grinned.
“You wish,” I grumbled.
“Yes, he does,” Edward murmured.
“Well, if you’re done rummaging through my head,” Jacob said with a thick edge of annoyance, “why don’t you go take care of her hand?”
“One more thing,” Edward said slowly. “I’ll be fighting for her, too. You should know that. I’m not taking anything for granted, and I’ll be fighting twice as hard as you will.”
“Good,” Jacob growled. “It’s no fun beating someone who forfeits.”
“Sheis mine.” Edward’s low voice was suddenly dark, not as composed as before. “I didn’t say I would fight fair.”
“Neither did I.”
“Best of luck.”
Jacob nodded. “Yes, may the bestman win.”

Sure, let's talk about our possession of Bella as if she isn't there, that's not weird or chauvanistic at all. And SERIOUSLY, it sounds as if they're talking about a toy or something. This just...makes me want to become a lesbian, honestly.

Jasper and Emmett have some kind of bet. GROWING UP CULLEN! They're apparently betting about how many people she'll kill in her first year as a vampire. Emmett has gotten MORE awesome, if that's possible, and Jasper is starting to catch up. I think they should get their own spinoff.

I felt a little high. “Jasper’s betting high.”
Who the FUCK authorized those two sentences? How did that get past an editor? SERIOUSLY.

“It will make him feel better if you have a hard time adjusting. He’s tired of being the weakest link.”
“Sure. Of course it will. I guess I could throw in a few extra homicides, if it makes Jasper happy. Why not?”

That's actually kind of funny, and I feel dirty thinking that anyone, ESPECIALLY Bella, is genuinely funny in this abomination.

My handwas broken, but there wasn’t any serious damage, just a tiny fissure in one knuckle. I didn’t want a cast, and Carlisle said I’d be fine in a brace if I promised to keep it on. I promised. How the fuck do you know it's just a tiny fissure on the knuckle? Do the Cullens have their own medical room complete with an X-ray machine? How does THAT fact escape anybody?

Am I still on the first chapter here? Apparently I am. FUCK this is long. I'm losing my will to live. And I still have another chapter to do. Aaaand she's worrying about being a vampire again. Well, it hurts me to use a cliche, but you made your bed, you fucking LIE in it.

Chapter 16- Epoch

Smeyer's an English major, she can use big words like epoch.

My khaki skirt lay over the back of the rocking chair, waiting for me to discover something that went with it just exactly right. Something that would make me look beautiful and grown up. Something that said special occasion. I was coming up empty.
It was almost time to go, and I was still wearing my favorite old sweats. Unless I could find something better here — and the odds weren’t looking good at this point — I was going to graduate in them.

First...khaki skirt? What is this, the 70's? Secondly...you just forgot to buy a grad dress? Or, I'm not sure how graduation works in the States. Do they even have grad dresses? Regardless, she definitely just randomly FORGOT to buy something to wear for graduation. How the fuck does that even happen?

And abra kadabra deus ex machina (if you pronounce the Latin wrong, it almost rhymes) Alice has something to wear. Well, why should Bella actually have to solve a problem for herself? She's reminding me more and more of the Mary Sues I created when I was, oh I don't know, twelve, except if I recall mine had a bunch of special skills like karate and fencing and shit. Even when I was TWELVE, no wait, the one I'm thinking of I wrote when I was nine. Even when I was NINE I was more of a feminist than Smeyer, and nine year olds are dumb. Seriously, how does that even work?

“Aren’t you going to open it?” she asked. She sighed when I didn’t move immediately, and tugged the top of the box off herself. Okay, honestly? This is getting so ridiculous it's almost a self parody. She literally cannot OPEN A PRESENT by herself, as evidenced by this passage here AND the FUBAR birthday party in New Moon.

“Listen, Alice, don’t you see? It’s thesame ! The one who broke in and stole my things, and the new vampires in Seattle. They’re together!” You haven't figured this out already? Also, this vampire stole clothes that I guess were...clean. If the clothes were clean, you can't pick out a scent DUMBASS.

I was through expecting my emotions to make sense anymore. As I processed the fact that someone had created an army of vampires — the army that had gruesomely murdered dozens of people in Seattle —for the express purpose of destroyingme, I felt a spasm of relief.

Okay, relief is not the word I was expecting. Also, argh. This vampire is creating a vampire army, something really really hard to do and also, if I remember correctly, unnatural, since vampires don't like to group together just to kill Bella and get revenge. That is some SERIOUS determination. And, why would you need an army? She's obviously stupid enough to be lured to a random dance studio in Phoenix, why not try another half assed scheme like that? And really, BELLA IS NOT THAT FUCKING IMPORTANT.

She feels relief, for the record, because the vampires are not all trying to kill the Cullens. Okay...? This shit makes about as much sense as the Chick tracts.

Why isn't this dress being described? I've come to expect the My Immortal-esque obsession with arbitrarily describing clothing. GODDAMMIT SMEYER, I'M READING THIS FOR THE LULZ. I AT LEAST EXPECT YOU TO BE CONSISTENT.

Also, she didn't put on any makeup, do anything with her hair, or even CHECK HERSELF OUT IN THE MIRROR. I know she's BELLA SWAN and all, but I think she would at least care a little at what she looked like on grad. I mean, she's A LITTLE human, right?

Charlie had gotten stubborn last week when he’d learned that I was intending to ride with Edward to the graduation ceremony. And I could see his point — parents should have some rights come graduation day. I’d conceded with good grace, and Edward had cheerfully suggested that we all go together. Oh Bella, you are such a little saint. How GOOD you are, letting your father drive you to graduation. I WANT TO STAB MYSELF IN THE EYES.

It was pandemonium as Ms. Cope from the front office and Mr. Varner the math teacher tried to line everyone up alphabetically. Oh shit! Bella's with the S's and Edward's with the C's. Is there going to be a deus ex machina so that they don't have to be apart? Is Edward going to pull some Henry Fitzroy-esque vampire mind voodoo so that Mr. Varner will make an exception just this once?

Nope.

Also, Jessica is randomly being nice again and honestly, the way she is babbling incessantly sounds like's on speed or something. Maybe this is setting up for a spinoff about Jessica's downward spiral into drug use and then her ultimate redemption with the help of Bella Swan. This will, incidentally, come out at the same time as the spinoff about Jasper and Emmett becoming bookies and running an underground supernatural gambling ring, because Smeyer cannot tear her herself away from her characters. Also, the Jasper and Emmett thing was supposed to be a joke but that sounds AWESOME. Can someone write that? Right now? Please?

Because it was an ending, no matter what Eric, the valedictorian, had to say about commencement meaning “beginning” and all the rest of the trite nonsense. Her condescension is really starting to piss me off. I mean, I guess Smeyer didn't have a good high school experience and she's kind of getting revenge on her graduating class, but does she have to take ou her anger on the unwitting population of the world?

It went so quickly. I felt like I’d hit the fast forward button. Were we supposed to march quite that fast? And then Eric was speed talking in his nervousness, the words and phrases running together so they didn’t make sense anymore. Principal Greene started calling names, one after the other without a long enough pause between; the front row in the gymnasium was rushing to catch up. Poor Ms. Cope was all thumbs as she tried to give the principal the right diploma to hand to the right student. Fuck, it's like a whole school of retards, seriously. I don't think any school is collectively that idiotic. I know Flake comes close, but even Garth didn't fuck up the tassel thing this year, that I recall. Smeyer makes it seem like Forks is full of bumbling, nervous idiots who can't function in front of an audience. And Bella Swan is just too good for everyone there.

Only the two of them could carry off the hideous yellow and still look the way they did. They stood out from the rest of the crowd, their beauty and grace otherworldly. I wondered how I’d ever fallen for their human farce. A couple of angels, standing there with wings intact, would be less conspicuous.

We've actually gone quite a long time without mentioning how angelic they are. I was thinking that maybe Smeyer got over her angel fetish. Alas, I was mistaken.

I went to stand next to Jessica with the assembled graduates. Jess was all red around the eyes, and she kept blotting her face with the sleeve of her robe. It took me a second to understand that she was crying. Because...you're an idiot?

“What was she thinking about, anyway? To keep you out, I mean.”
His eyes flashed down to my face, and narrowed in suspicion. “She was translating the Battle Hymn of the Republic into Arabic, actually. When she finished that, she moved on to Korean sign language.” That was also kind of funny. Although I don't know if you can translate shit into sign language in your head. I guess theoretically you could imagine the hand positions in your head, but that seems like a lot of effort when you could just pick a different, spoken language. And is there such a thing as "Korean sign language"? Like, do Koreans have their own form of sign language? Or was she using ASL and translating stuff into Korean that way? Never mind, apparently there is a Korean sign language, who knew? But my first point still stands.

“Bella!” Charlie crowed, pushing his way past the close-packed families around us.
“Congratulations, baby!” He was still yelling, even though he was right at my ear now. He wrapped his arms around me, ever so slyly shuffling Edward off to the side as he did so. Charlie's so sweet. I think I love him again.

“So where do you want to go out for dinner?” Charlie asked. “The sky’s the limit.”
“I can cook.”
“Don’t be silly. Do you want to go to the Lodge?” he asked with an eager smile.
I did not particularly enjoy Charlie’s favorite restaurant, but, at this point, what was the difference? I wasn’t going to be able to eat anyway.

Wow, she is an unpleasable little bitch, isn't she? Her dad is excited that she graduated and wants to take her out for supper and she is STILL going to whine about shit? I wish she was real so I could kill her.

The Lodge was crowded. The place was, in my opinion, overpriced and tacky, but it was the only thing close to a formal restaurant in town, so it was always popular for events. I stared morosely at a depressed-looking stuffed elk head while Charlie ate prime rib and talked over the back of the seat to Tyler Crowley’s parents.

And again. Seriously. Where the HELL is Thursday Next so she can jump into this book and shoot Bella in the head, execution style?

“I want to help Alice set things up,” I claimed. Can no one just speak normally? I have honestly never, EVER seen "claim" used in this context. And I have read a shitload of books.

Charlie chuckled. “Well, you look really nice. I wish I’d thought to get you something. Sorry.”
He didn't even think to get her anything? It's grad. You buy presents. It's like a prerequisite. How can he just forget? Did Smeyer actually graduate? It would explain A LOT if she didn't.

“No matter what side I’m on, if someone kisses you without your permission, you should be able to make your feelings clear without hurting yourself. You didn’t keep your thumb inside your fist, did you?” Previous rage subsiding. A little. But honestly, there he goes doing another 180? What the hell did continuity ever do to Smeyer?

This was a really long recap, I have to admit. But I haven't gotten good and outraged for awhile, so I guess that's a plus.

Eclipse Chapters 13 and 14

Chapter 13- Newborn

So we get Jasper's backstory. There are evil vampires living in the south which sounds like something anvilicious if I knew enough about American history to figure it out. Vampires in the south want to get rid of competition for food, much like Neanderthals vs. Homo sapiens.

Anyhoo, this vampire named Benito was killing people with an army of newborn vampires so that he wouldn't have any competition for food. And then the other vampires started making armies of their own. The Volturi got rid of all the newborns and then later they all started fighting again. Jasper was part of the Confederate Army and then he was made into a vampire so that he could join one of the vampire armies. Jasper was the bestest soldier in the Confederate Army.

Jasper gets turned by three vampire girls. Smeyer is blatantly stealing from those three vampire chicks that live in Dracula's castle. Bitch. He then joined the vampire Maria's newborn army. Okay, SERIOUSLY, this was like 200 years ago and Jasper is STILL learning to control his thirst? And then when Bella gets turned into a vampire in Breaking Dawn she has perfect control? YEAH RIGHT.

The army has like ten vampires. Okay...? Also, is this story every going to end? Jasper gets disillusioned to the life Maria wants and this other vampire named Peter runs away with this vampire named Charlotte and he says that life is beautiful in the north and he can go live there. Jasper gets all depressed because of the fear of his prey. Then he meets Alice in a bar and we abruptly go into second person narration and it's all very heartwarming but what the FUCK is the POINT? Then Alice and Jasper randomly go find Carlisle and live with them. Alice knows everything about them and asks for a room, which, you know, is kinda creepy but in Smeyer's world I guess that's adorable.

The point of the story being, I guess, that there is a newborn army in Seattle. Okay, Jasper, you could have just said that in WAY FEWER words. And also, Edward makes the giant leap in logic that the newborns are after the Cullens.

“Then let’sgo, ” Emmett almost roared. “What are we waiting for?” I love you Emmett.

So they're going to destroy the newborns like, RIGHT NOW even though we have...a little under 200 pages left and the Denali clan are going to drive down to Seattle from Alaska which will take...a lot of hours. Good plan guys. Good hustle.

So Carlisle calls the Alaska vamps and Irina was involved with Laurent and is mad at the wolves for killing him to save Bella and she'll only help if they get permission to kill the wolves.

I wanted to scream out loud as I grasped what Jasper meant.
We would win, but we would lose. Some wouldn’t survive. That, my dear, is called a Pyrrhic victory, and sometimes it's a good thing in fiction. Of course, this is a Smeyer novel, so we all know that no one would ever DIE, heaven forbid. I mean, I know right now it looks like there's going to be a battle but it will be averted at the 11th hour.

Chapter 14- Declaration

Weird Words
Holy crow

I'm just going to throw this out there: I'm fucking SICK of this book. I need a break from Smeyer before I continue with Breaking Dawn and Midnight Sun.

Okay, I thought they were all rarin' to go after the vampires and now Bella's complaining about her graduation party again. What?

“But . . . the . . . you . . . I . . . insane!” I spluttered. Sometimes, ellipses are not your friend.

“I hate being babysat.” You fucking love it, because you haven't complained thus far. Also, I've read so many Chick Tracts today that this novel does not seem as fucking insane to me anymore. Everything's relative, I guess.

Bella is going to hang with the werewolves so she'll be safe.

“Sure, sure,” he said, yawning again. Not sure if I've mentioned this, but Jacob says "sure, sure" A LOT.

“Over at the Clearwaters’. He’s been hanging out there a lot since Harry died. Sue gets lonely.”
I bet they're just HANGING.

Even more embarrassingly, something I would never say aloud, I wantedhis venom to poison
my system. It would make me belong to him in a tangible, quantifiable way. I'm not even going to say anything.

But I knew he was going to stick to his marriage scheme like glue. Because what this story needs is more cliches and some paraphrased Elvis lyrics.

And Jacob randomly says that he's in love with Bella.

Eclipse Chapters 11 and 12

Chapter 11-Legends

So they're at this bonfire thingie. Quil kissed her on the cheek for some weird reason.

Quil had jumped up to give me a high five and kiss me on the cheek.

Who does that? "Hey, high fives!" *kiss*.

The whole pack was there: Sam with his Emily, Paul, Embry, Quil, and Jared with Kim, the girl he’d imprinted upon.
Notice how it's not "the girl he loves" it's "The girl he imprinted upon". Also, is imprinting really the right word to use? That's what ducklings do to their mom.

My first impression of Kim was that she was a nice girl, a little shy, and a little plain. She had a wide face, mostly cheekbones, with eyes too small to balance them out. Her nose and mouth were both too broad for traditional beauty. Her flat black hair was thin and wispy in the wind that never seemed to let up atop the cliff.

Because no one can be as beautiful as Bella Swan!

The way he stared at her! It was like a blind man seeing the sun for the first time. Like a collector finding an undiscovered Da Vinci, like a mother looking into the face of her newborn child. Because I want MY boyfriend to look at me like I'm a newborn child and he is my mother!

Yay, story time! Also, for some reason Emily is copying down every word he says. I don't know why. There's a bunch of legends but who cares. I'm not even going to read them. Hopefully they're not important. The only one that is important is this woman called the Third Wife who cut herself to distract vampires and save her husband. I think.

“Oh, crap!” I gasped as I realized that I had fallen asleep. “How late is it? Dang it, where’s that stupid phone?” I patted my pockets, frantic and coming up empty. I wonder what Bella would do if someone dropped the F bomb. Probably faint.

Jacob and Edward do the Bella exchange.

“Are you tired? I could carry you.”
“I’m fine.”
“Let’s get you home and in bed. Did you have a nice time?”

Good GOD the way he treats her like a child just RANKLES me.

Anyhoodle, she dreams that Rosalie is attacking Billy and then Bella is holding a knife and then she wakes up. Ooh, FORESHADOWING. Could it BE any more blatant? And why does Smeyer make all the foreshadowing happen in dreams?

He said something else, something low, but I was already asleep. Well then how the hell do you know that he said something to you? Does Smeyer need a class in First Person Basics? This just reminds me of Y:TAS: "I was unconscious for this next part, but fortunately I can still remember it!"

Chapter 12- Time

Alice is planning a graduation party.

She rolled her eyes. “Yes. It is Monday . . . the fourth.” She grabbed my elbow, spun me halfway around, and pointed toward a big yellow poster taped to the gym door. There, in sharp black letters, was the date of graduation. Exactly one week from today.
“It’s the fourth?Of June? Are you sure?”
Neither one answered. Alice just shook her head sadly, feigning disappointment, and Edward’s
eyebrows lifted.
“It can’t be! How did that happen?” I tried to count backwards in my head, but I couldn’t figure out where the days had gone.

Well hopefully you got a grad dress or otherwise prepared in some way. This section is just funny to me, I don't know why.

Bella is now whining that she's not ready to be a vampire. My GOD make up your mind!

“What am I getting Alice for graduation?”
He snickered. “It looked like you were getting us both concert tickets —”
“That’s right!” I was so relieved, I almost smiled. “The concert in Tacoma. I saw an ad in the paper last week, and I thought it would be something you’d like, since you said it was a good CD.” Guess which fucking band?

“So . . . it’s not that you’re afraid you won’t . . . like me as much when I’m different — when I’m not soft and warm and I don’t smell the same? You really do want to keep me, no matter how I turn out?” Isn't that a weird way of putting it? "You want to keep me?" It's like she's a dog.

“I’m notthat girl, Edward. The one who gets married right out of high school like some small-town hick who got knocked up by her boyfriend! Do you know what people would think? Do you realize what century this is? People don’t just get married at eighteen! Not smart people, not responsible, mature people! I wasn’t going to be that girl! That’s not who I am. . . .” I trailed off, losing steam. But you ARE the girl who will willingly give up her mortality to be with the guy she lusts for. Also, what will people think when you suddenly look radically different and have yellow eyes?

They BOTH have such low self esteem. Bella thinks Edward is reluctant to turn her because he won't want her when she's not human. Edward is afraid that Bella wants immortality more than him. Despite the fact that they gush about how much they love each other EVERY FLIPPING LINE OF THIS FLIPPIN BOOK.

And for one second, I could. I saw myself in a long skirt and a high-necked lace blouse with my hair piled up on my head. I saw Edward looking dashing in a light suit with a bouquet of wildflowers in his hand, sitting beside me on a porch swing.
I shook my head and swallowed. I was just havingAnne of Green Gables flashbacks.

What the FUCK? What does that have to do with ANYTHING, seriously?

“Dum, dum, dah-dum,” I hummed under my breath. I was going for the wedding march, but it sort of sounded like a dirge. Ha ha ha ha ha I'm not sure how that works.

More shit about Seattle.

This book is so boring.

“We’re all confused,” Emmett grumbled. I just love Emmett but it's so inexplicable.

Also, Jasper has a shitload of scars.