Eclipse Chapters 17 and 18

Chapter 17- Alliance

So Alice has turned their house into some kind of rave for Bella's grad. I went to a few grad parties and...none of them were like this.

I'm just wondering. Is Jasper going to be there? Because they were all worried when only Bella was there. Now there's a shitload of warm, blood filled bodies in the house, and there's going to be glass probably, and knives and shit. If that shit goes FUBAR then there's gonna be a lot more blood than from a paper cut. Maybe Emmett just convinced Jasper to go off with him and tend to their underground gambling ring. Seriously, can someone write that? I might just write it myself. I hate fanfiction, but in this case...I think I'll make an exception.

It was a Suburban-load of my friends, either too nervous or too intimidated to arrive on their own. Jessica was the first one in the door, with Mike right behind her. Tyler, Conner, Austin, Lee, Samantha . .. even Lauren trailing in last, her critical eyes alight with curiosity. Okay, who would say "Suburban load" instead of "car load"? And SHIT these people keep multiplying like bunnies. Honestly, who the hell are these people? Conner, Austin, Lee, and Samantha? Have they even been mentioned, ever? And I didn't think Tyler was even friends with them. Didn't the extent of Bella and Tyler's interaction consist of him almost killing her and then him randomly falling in love with her? And then he just kind of disappeared? Why is he there?

I saw Emmett grin at Mike over the food table, the red lights gleaming off his teeth, and watched Mike take an automatic step back. Hee, Emmett! This love is irrational and strange and out of nowhere, but it makes me happy.

It wasn’t as hard as I’d thought it would be. I followed Alice’s lead, mingling and chatting for a minute with everyone. Okay, you know something is fucking off when Bella has to watch Alice to see how to interact in a social situation, when Alice, let's remember here, DOESN'T REMEMBER HER HUMAN LIFE AT ALL.

Edward was at my side — still refusing to let go of me. He kept one hand securely at my waist, pulling me closer now and then in response to thoughts I probably didn’t want to hear. Do they honestly have to be together ALL THE FREAKING TIME? I cannot say ENOUGH how that would piss me off.

And Jacob's here now. This can't end well. And Quil and Embry! I think I like them, but I can't remember. Anyhoodle, Bella and Jacob get into an argument about the quasi-rape incident. What? She refused his grad present, and now she's asking for it. Huh?

And of course it's some kind of stereotypical Native American doodad bracelet thingie. Because Natives can't just buy shit in a store like everyone else. And they're randomly friends again. Just ply Bella with materialistic shit and she is putty in your hands! Jacob and Alice look like they're going to have a smackdown but it never materializes.

Also, the vampire army is coming to Forks and apparently this fucking surprises everyone, despite the fact that it's already been established that they have been created for the express purpose of killing Bella, and Bella is in Forks so ipso facto...everyone's minds work so slow in these books.

Oh, and Jasper is there. Did everyone just forget when he almost tore Bella's head off when she had a tiny paper cut? These people have no concept of foresight.

The werewolves and vampires have to work together to save Bella, the pretty special snowflake. Honestly, why is everyone jumping up and putting themselves in danger to save Bella? I guess I sorta get the vampires. I mean, Bella's sort of like their family (I actually wrote vampire first). And I get why Jacob is all into it, but why the hell do the werewolves care about her? They don't even know her. Would I put myself in mortal danger to save a friend of a friend, when said friend is the friend of my mortal enemy? I don't think so.

Chapter 18- Instruction

My love for Emmett is like my love for Dorota. I am filled with glee and happiness whenever they show up.

“THAT HAD TO BE THE LONGEST PARTY IN THE HISTORYof the world,” I complained on the way home.
Edward didn’t seem to disagree. “It’s over now,” he said, rubbing my arm soothingly.

Stop yelling at me. And also, boo hoo Bella. People love you and want to celebrate the fact that you graduated. Keep whining, little bitch. And I love how Edward is all comforting her. Like, you can just take that last line and put it at the end of a paragraph about Bella like, killing someone, or being tortured, or writing a really bad exam or something.

His eyes tightened. Can you explain to me how someone can tighten their eyes? What exactly does that mean? Do they like screw them in more so that they aren't so loose?

“Dad! Charlie!” Is she calling two different people? Does Charlie have a split personality?

“Piece of cake,” I mumbled tonelessly against his chest. That is the fucking strangest adverb I have ever seen in that context. Someone should tell Smeyer that you don't have to add strange and arbitrary words to sound smart. Sometimes it just makes you look dumber.

Victoria is creating the vampire army. I don't know if I read this on recaps somewhere or if everyone if this book is so stupid, but I thought this was a given. I'm going with the latter.

I stared at Edward, my eyes stretched wide. “They’re coming as wolves?” Well why is that so fucking terrifying? She's seen them in wolf form like three times already AND she knows they aren't going to hurt her. So what's the problem?

The vampires and werewolves make plans to kill the newborn vampires.

“They’ll fight like children. The two most important things you’ll need to remember are, first, don’t let them get their arms around you and, second, don’t go for the obvious kill. That’s all they’ll be prepared for. As long as you come at them from the side and keep moving, they’ll be too confused to respond effectively. Emmett?”
Emmett stepped out of the line with a huge smile.
Jasper backed toward the north end of the opening between the allied enemies. He waved Emmett forward.
“Okay, Emmett first. He’s the best example of a newborn attack.”
Emmett’s eyes narrowed. “I’lltry not to break anything,” he muttered.
Jasper grinned. “What I meant is that Emmett relies on his strength. He’s very straightforward about the attack. The newborns won’t be trying anything subtle, either. Just go for the easy kill, Emmett.”

Squee, EMMETT!

“Very,” I agreed, not looking away from Edward as he glided noiselessly toward Jasper, his movements lithe and watchful as a jungle cat. Dear God, this is just...cliched and Harlequin and weird.

So why does Bella have to be there to watch the training, I ask you? All she's doing is squinting through her eyes and acting like a little baby as the vampires play attack each other.

Okay, weird. The wolves are sniffing the vampires to get their scents and then Bella pets Jacob, aww, and then...he licks her face? I get that he's like a dog and everything, but he's human. Would you be happy if your friend licked your face?

It was hard to read the wolves’ faces. I fucking wonder why. Maybe because WOLVES CAN'T MAKE EXPRESSIONS?

Jacob loped back into view, on two legs this time. His broad chest was bare, his hair tangled and shaggy. He wore only a pair of black sweat pants, his feet bare to the cold ground. Classy. I feel so sorry for Tyler Lautner or whatever his name is, because this is what he has to wear for like, three books.

They discuss where to hide Bella. Jacob has to carry her around to fuck up her scent and...why? He just carries her in a ginormous loop and then goes back. What the hell point does THAT have? Okay, it's just an experiment. I have to stop skimming, or else I miss stuff.