Eclipse Chapters 13 and 14

Chapter 13- Newborn

So we get Jasper's backstory. There are evil vampires living in the south which sounds like something anvilicious if I knew enough about American history to figure it out. Vampires in the south want to get rid of competition for food, much like Neanderthals vs. Homo sapiens.

Anyhoo, this vampire named Benito was killing people with an army of newborn vampires so that he wouldn't have any competition for food. And then the other vampires started making armies of their own. The Volturi got rid of all the newborns and then later they all started fighting again. Jasper was part of the Confederate Army and then he was made into a vampire so that he could join one of the vampire armies. Jasper was the bestest soldier in the Confederate Army.

Jasper gets turned by three vampire girls. Smeyer is blatantly stealing from those three vampire chicks that live in Dracula's castle. Bitch. He then joined the vampire Maria's newborn army. Okay, SERIOUSLY, this was like 200 years ago and Jasper is STILL learning to control his thirst? And then when Bella gets turned into a vampire in Breaking Dawn she has perfect control? YEAH RIGHT.

The army has like ten vampires. Okay...? Also, is this story every going to end? Jasper gets disillusioned to the life Maria wants and this other vampire named Peter runs away with this vampire named Charlotte and he says that life is beautiful in the north and he can go live there. Jasper gets all depressed because of the fear of his prey. Then he meets Alice in a bar and we abruptly go into second person narration and it's all very heartwarming but what the FUCK is the POINT? Then Alice and Jasper randomly go find Carlisle and live with them. Alice knows everything about them and asks for a room, which, you know, is kinda creepy but in Smeyer's world I guess that's adorable.

The point of the story being, I guess, that there is a newborn army in Seattle. Okay, Jasper, you could have just said that in WAY FEWER words. And also, Edward makes the giant leap in logic that the newborns are after the Cullens.

“Then let’sgo, ” Emmett almost roared. “What are we waiting for?” I love you Emmett.

So they're going to destroy the newborns like, RIGHT NOW even though we have...a little under 200 pages left and the Denali clan are going to drive down to Seattle from Alaska which will take...a lot of hours. Good plan guys. Good hustle.

So Carlisle calls the Alaska vamps and Irina was involved with Laurent and is mad at the wolves for killing him to save Bella and she'll only help if they get permission to kill the wolves.

I wanted to scream out loud as I grasped what Jasper meant.
We would win, but we would lose. Some wouldn’t survive. That, my dear, is called a Pyrrhic victory, and sometimes it's a good thing in fiction. Of course, this is a Smeyer novel, so we all know that no one would ever DIE, heaven forbid. I mean, I know right now it looks like there's going to be a battle but it will be averted at the 11th hour.

Chapter 14- Declaration

Weird Words
Holy crow

I'm just going to throw this out there: I'm fucking SICK of this book. I need a break from Smeyer before I continue with Breaking Dawn and Midnight Sun.

Okay, I thought they were all rarin' to go after the vampires and now Bella's complaining about her graduation party again. What?

“But . . . the . . . you . . . I . . . insane!” I spluttered. Sometimes, ellipses are not your friend.

“I hate being babysat.” You fucking love it, because you haven't complained thus far. Also, I've read so many Chick Tracts today that this novel does not seem as fucking insane to me anymore. Everything's relative, I guess.

Bella is going to hang with the werewolves so she'll be safe.

“Sure, sure,” he said, yawning again. Not sure if I've mentioned this, but Jacob says "sure, sure" A LOT.

“Over at the Clearwaters’. He’s been hanging out there a lot since Harry died. Sue gets lonely.”
I bet they're just HANGING.

Even more embarrassingly, something I would never say aloud, I wantedhis venom to poison
my system. It would make me belong to him in a tangible, quantifiable way. I'm not even going to say anything.

But I knew he was going to stick to his marriage scheme like glue. Because what this story needs is more cliches and some paraphrased Elvis lyrics.

And Jacob randomly says that he's in love with Bella.