Eclipse Chapters 20-27 (I think)

In Which I Finish This Piece of Shit

Chapter 21- Trails

Though I’d given back the hand-me-down ring as soon as I could do it without hurting his feelings, my left hand felt heavier, like it was still in place, just invisible.

Yay for lexical ambiguity! I was so confused when I first read this. I was like, “What? Her hand is invisible?”

It was no big thing — a road trip to Vegas. I would go one better than old jeans — I would wear old sweats. HA, classy. No one can ever tell Bella Swan that she doesn’t have an impeccable sense of style.

He said I didn’t have to tell anyone, and I was planning to hold him to that. Of course, it was very stupid of me not to think of Alice. Also, she’ll see the future, DUH, you idiots.

“Ew, snow,” I muttered to myself. Can you stop thinking about YOURSELF for just one second? I know it’s a pretty tall order but lives are at stake right now.

“Wear a jacket,” Alice told me. Her voice was unfriendly, and that surprised me. I tried to read her face, but she turned away. Maybe she just realized what a bitch you are. Also, if it turns out that Alice is pissed because she doesn’t get to plan the wedding, this book just dropped to a new level of hell. If that’s possible.

“Yeah, I know Charlie’ll be fine.” I didn’t feel so confident about his son’s safety, but I didn’t add that. Again, more lexical ambiguity. PRONOUN/ANTECEDENT, BITCH. I THOUGHT YOU WERE AN ENGLISH MAJOR.

I was sorta right about Alice. She’s really really mad because she wasn’t invited to the wedding and ALSO…dun dun dun….because she doesn’t get to plan the wedding. GET YOUR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT, ALICE. This is why I don’t like Alice, and I dislike her more and more the more I read these shit books. I still love Emmett though. I’m not sure anything can tarnish that for me, although since he hardly ever speaks, I can probably just keep this Growing Up Cullen version of him in my head.

“Ugh! Ugh, ugh!” Much like no one actually SAYS “hmph”, no one ever says “ugh.” Ever. You know, between the antiquated or stereotypical way she makes her teenagers speak, the fact that she was surprised that her manuscript leaked, (given that she gave them out and her books are immensely popular) and the stilted dialogue of this horrific mess of a book series, it makes me think that she has honestly been kept in a basement all through her youth, and probably still is. Like, maybe Genie had a little known sister, I don’t know.

I threw my arms around him instead, hiding my face, just in case the angry moisture in my eyes made it look like I was crying. Isn’t moisture in your eyes the definition of crying? I don’t know what she’s talking about. What else would it be?

“What’s one more diamond? Well, I guess the ring has lots of diamonds, but my point is that he’s already got one on —” Maybe I’m just being stupid here, but I don’t know what she’s talking about here. Although I like to think that she was going to end that sentence with “his peepee”.

“Enough, Alice!” Edward cut her off suddenly. The way he glared at her . . . he looked like a vampire again. No shit!

Okay never mind, I wasn’t supposed to get the diamond thing. It’s always hard to tell with Smeyer.

I had an idea. “Will this help?” I asked as I ran my fingers through my hair and caught a few loose strands. I draped them over the ferns. Because that’s not suspicious. “Hmm, Bella’s hair just happens to be draped over some plants. This is in no way a trick!”

“Well, even if she does get her way, we can keep it small. Just us. Emmett can get a clerical license off the Internet.” Oh man, I can just IMAGINE Emmett in like, priest gear and doing the ceremony. That would be EPIC.

“I’m fine. Stay where you are. I’m bleeding. It will stop in a minute.” Fuck. Is she going to swoon again? Oddly, no. However, she presses her bleeding finger to a rock. Also not suspicious. “Hmm, there’s a bloody fingerprint on this rock. It’s not weird at all that she bled and then pressed her finger to a rock!”

He took my hand and smiled as he examined it. “This doesn’t bother me anymore.”
I watched him carefully as he cleaned the gash, looking for some sign of distress. He continued to breathe evenly in and out, the same small smile on his lips.
“Why not?” I finally asked as he smoothed a bandage across my palm.
He shrugged. “I got over it.” Yes, I’m sure that just happens. You know, Jasper is the most realistic vampire in the bunch.

Jacob chuckled, already running through the trees. He kept a steady pace, a brisk jog that a fit human could keep up with . . . across a level plane . . . if they weren’t burdened with a hundred-plus pounds as he was. What is with these ellipses? This sentence makes no fucking sense.

“But I don’t count that as a kiss, Jacob. I think of it more as an assault.” Is she standing up for herself again? Am I still reading the same book?
So Bella and Jacob are arguing and he wants Bella to kiss him.

What if someone got hurt because I was so weak? Urgh.

Okay seriously, I just want them to stop talking. How am I going to get through eight chapters of this shit?

Also, Jacob is staying with Edward and Bella tonight. Not with them with them, but he’s there so that Edward can communicate with the pack. I think it would be better if the pack’s telepathy faded over long distances, like a walkie talkie. For fuck’s sake, SOMEONE needs to have a weakness in this book. Seriously, no one has a weakness. The vampires are strong and fast and blah blah and Bella is the whiniest bitch ever but nothing bad ever happens to her. The werewolves are super strong and fast and have nifty telepathic powers.

“I don’t know. Why not? It’s interesting. So, how does that work? How did Sam end up as the Alpha, and you as the . . . the Beta?”
Jacob chuckled at my invented term. Oh my fucking LORD. Beta is not an invented term. Seriously. Hasn’t she read Julie of the Wolves? The second in command of a wolf pack is referred to as the beta. YOU DID NOT MAKE THAT UP, SMEYER. Think I’m wrong? When I was telling my sister about this, even before I said “alpha” my sister’s like, “So Jacob’s the beta?” SEE? NOT AN INVENTED TERM. STOP THINKING YOU’RE SO FUCKING CLEVER, SMEYER.

Some werewolf history. It’s boring. Not sure if I mentioned this, but Jacob is the second in command of the pack. I honestly don’t care enough to read this werewolf shit.

“Sort of a Beta, I guess.” He snorted at my term. YOU DID NOT MAKE THAT UP AND JULIE OF THE WOLVES IS A WAY BETTER BOOK THAN THIS.

Also, Jacob turned down the alphadom. Something that bothers me. Edward is portrayed as unfailingly polite and gracious and Jacob is portrayed as like, this giant overgrown pissy furry. If she wanted this love triangle to have any kind of credence at all, she shouldn’t portray one of the players as an angel and one…he’s not even cool enough to be a demon. He’s just like, the creepy hobo with Tourette’s. He’s like Dougie. I’m not sure how much sense that made but I’m keeping it in. Also also, the same thing happens with Charlie. Whenever Edward’s around, Charlie turns into a stubborn ass.

Chapter 22- Fire and Ice

Now we get to see one of Smeyer’s fantasies, because we haven’t had enough of those yet. Bella is all cold. DUH. If it’s snowing, YOU SHOULDN’T BE CAMPING.

Hmm. Bella is cold…Jacob is perpetually warm…I wonder what’s coming. Yes, you are correct. Jacob is definitely going to crawl into her sleeping bag with her. This was done way better by X-Files.
Mulder: You know, I once read that the best way to get warm was to crawl into a sleeping bag naked with someone else who was already naked.
Scully: Maybe if it starts raining sleeping bags, you’ll get lucky.

“Your lips are still blue,” he mused. “Want me to warm those up for you, too? You only have to ask.” He’s just so incorrigible and cute that I think I love him. Sometimes. It switches back and forth. Drastically.

Jacob made an annoyed sound. “Oh, he’ll tell you anyway, so I might as well. . . . I was growing my hair out because . . . it seemed like you liked it better long.” Well, if his hair is like it was in the movie…there’s another tick on Bella’s Insanity Tally.

Then the two guys start talking about her when they think Bella’s asleep.

“Does that bother you? Do you wish you could see what she’s thinking, too?”
“Yes . . . and no, again. She likes it better this way, and, though it sometimes drives me insane, I’d rather she was happy.” I thought she wanted him to see what she was thinking.

Okay you know what? I’m over this conversation. I’m going to fast forward.

Chapter 23- Monster

That Edward/Jacob conversation honestly goes on for like three pages, and it’s almost all dialogue. That is a way overlong conversation.

Anyhoo, Edward throws Jacob across the tent for no apparent reason.

Bella and Edward reminisce about the ten best nights of their lives, all of which they spent with each other. What’ll you bet that one of them was the first night Edward watched her while she slept? Also, Bella mumbled both their names in her sleep. HA HA HA. I thought they stopped with this shit about the ten nights, but no, apparently we’re going to be forced to hear all of them.

Jacob hears that they’re getting married and he freaks out. Honestly though, why does that bother him more than the being a vampire for eternity thing? I don’t know why marriage bothers EVERYONE more than the being a vampire for eternity thing. Bella’s all, “I’M A HORRIBLE PERSON!” despite the fact that Edward knew Jacob was listening the whole time.

More Bella feeling sorry for herself JUST SHUT UP, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

“Bella,” Edward murmured, suddenly right beside me. He stared down at me with nothing but concern showing in his eyes. There was no end to his generosity. I deserved him now less than I ever had. ADSLKFJASDF;

“What if I don’t want you to go away? What if I’d rather you stayed, selfish or not? Don’t I get any say, if you’re trying to make things up to me?” Well…no. That just reminds of Californication where Hank’s ex-wife is getting remarried and he’s like, “Don’t I get any say?” and she’s like, “No!’ I mean, Jacob has no say in whether she gets married or not.

Oh, dear GOD. Jacob is going to join the fight and get himself killed. Well, it wouldn’t be a Smeyer novel without a misguided love-fuelled suicide attempt.

Okay, I’m confused here. She’s all like, “We can’t stay together” and now she’s like, “Don’t go, Jacob, we can compromise!”

Everyone in this triangle is so fucked up, I don’t even know anymore.

And he’s like, “You can ask me” and she’s like, “what?” and he’s like, “you know” and she’s like, “will you kiss me, Jacob?” WHAT?

I knew he would take advantage of the situation. I expected it. I held very still — my eyes closed, my fingers curled into fists at my sides — as his hands caught my face and his lips found mine with an eagerness that was not far from violence. I just have no words this time.

I could feel his anger as his mouth discovered my passive resistance. Maybe they’re Frenching passively!

Wow, Jacob is really emotionally manipulative. I’m not sure who’s worse here, Edward or Jacob.

His voice turned acidic. “Are you sure you want me to come back? Or did you really want me to die?” I don’t even…like…NO WORDS. He’s threatening suicide so that she’ll make out with him. WHAT? So then he quasi-rapes her AGAIN. She fights back and he thinks she’s responding to him and he gets MORE violent. And then because he’s happy, she’s happy and she kisses him back WHAT? THESE REACTIONS MAKE NO SENSE.

And she just realizes that she’s in love with Jacob. And in true Smeyer fashion she has to spread out this epiphany over like five pages.

And then, quite distinctly, I felt the splintering along the fissure line in my heart as the smaller part wrenched itself away from the whole. THE PROSE…SO…PURPLE!

He bent to kiss me again, and there was no reason to resist. What would be the point? GODDAMMIT.

Chapter 24- Snap Decision

Losing…will…to live.

“And I thought I fought dirty,” he said with grudging admiration. “He makes me look like the patron saint of ethics.” His hand brushed against the part of my cheek that was exposed. “I’m not mad at you, love. Jacob’s more cunning than I gave him credit for. I do wish you hadn’t asked him, though.” Of course, BELLA can do no wrong. You know why she’s so unrealistic? No consequences EVER occur because of her actions. She can do anything and nothing ever happens to her.

But I didn’t feel any anger at Jacob for tricking me. There wasn’t enough room in my body to contain anything besides the hatred I felt toward myself. BOO HOO HOO NO ONE FUCKING CARES.

Ha ha, and the pack saw EVERYTHING because Jacob makes vivid pictures. It must suck ASS to be in that pack.

And now we have Bella and Edward talking about how horrible they each are. I seriously want to stab myself. Why did I undertake this recap? Why? New Moon was bad enough but THIS IS WORSE IF THAT’S POSSIBLE. My love of making fun of stupid people is almost not enough to make me continue. AND I HAVE TWO MORE BOOKS AFTER THIS.

“How?” he asked, and his eyes were ancient with their sadness. The prose is so fucking purple that I am almost at the vomit stage.

“I’m not trying to prove something. You said I could have any part of you I wanted. I want this part. I want every part.” EVEN THE RAINBOW WANG!

Okay, I think when you make numbers into adverbs, it can only go as far as “thirdly”. “Fourthly” and “fifthly” do not work. “Fourthly”, maybe. Not “fifthly” that’s for fucking sure.

I scowled in Seth’s general direction. I FART IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION! Was this a conscious Monty Python reference?

He laughed once. “We can hear Emmett — he’s enjoying himself.” Eeee, EMMETT! The only bright spot in this godforsaken level of hell!

Something is coming for them OH NOEZ! Who could it be? Victoria, duh.

“Victoria,” he said, spitting the word, making it a curse. “She’s not alone. She crossed my scent, following the newborns in to watch — she never meant to fight with them. She made a spur-of-the-moment decision to find me, guessing that you would be wherever I was. She was right. You were right. It was always Victoria.” I thought vampires were supposed to be smart. If she caught Edward’s scent, wouldn’t she wonder why Edward was off in the mountains? It would be easy to put two and two together and then her obvious next move would be to find Edward, who would lead her to Bella. BELLA FUCKED UP AGAIN SHE IS SUCH AN IDIOT.

And now we have a tropey sequence were Edward is talking to Victoria’s henchmen and he’s like, “She lied, don’t listen to her! She doesn’t love you!” SO CLICHÉ!

Only a few yards away from that fight, Edward and Victoria were dancing. Little foxtrot, perhaps? A waltz? Jitterbug?

It says something for Smeyer that I’m even bored during a FIGHT SEQUENCE.

And yes, the foreshadowing suddenly comes into play. Bella is going to stab herself to distract vampires, just like the Third Wife. Except she doesn’t stab herself, she just cuts herself a little.

Edward breaks Riley’s spine. Whoa. Or not. Okay. I don’t really know what happened but now Seth (aforementioned young vampire, brother of Leah) is biting Riley.

With an earsplitting metallic screech, Riley lost his other arm. First, how can a voice be metallic? Second, he lost both his arms. That’s kind of funny but it probably shouldn’t be.

Holy shit, Edward TEARS HER HEAD OFF.

Chapter 25- Mirror

I have to take a break here.

Edward stretched out his arm, his hand curled into a fist. Seth grinned, revealing the long row of dagger teeth, and bumped his nose against Edward’s hand. Could this story get any cheesier?

Edward’s all scared that that Bella’s scared of him but she’s not, of course. Then she starts kissing his body. This just keeps getting more and more Harlequin.

“Seriously?” I finally asked. “You . . . what? Thought you’d scared me off?” I snorted. What a ridiculous idea! I mean, her boyfriend only killed and tore apart two vampires, but why should she be afraid?

“Seth was only feigning that he was hurt, Bella. It was a trick. And then you . . . !” He shook his head, unable to finish. “Seth couldn’t see what you were doing, so I had to step in. Seth’s a bit disgruntled that he can’t claim a single-handed defeat now.”
“Seth was . . . faking?”
Edward nodded sternly.
“Oh.” Bella is so fucking stupid.

“Well, I didn’t know that,” I said, on the offense now. “And it’s not easy being the only helpless person around. Just you wait till I’m a vampire! I’m not going to be sitting on the sidelines next time.” She sounds like a ten year old circa 1956.

Yay, the Volturi are back!

Oh of course, the only female werewolf was stupid and cocky and felt like she had to prove herself and then she did something stupid and almost got hurt.

Jacob, however, did get hurt. I think Smeyer has a hardon for vampires. Because all the werewolves are being stupid and getting hurt and yet the vampires, of course, are fine. And she goes catatonic again, yay. You know, someone should tell Smeyer that if she insists on using first person, it does not make for interesting reading when she keeps putting the main character in a catatonic state.

Jacob’s fine, but was there any doubt?

Alice grimaced toward her true love. Oh, GAG ME.

The vampires took a bad vampire hostage and Carlisle’s all “You must fight against the urge!”

“How can you stand it?” the girl groaned in a high, clear voice. “I want her.” Is this supposed to have lesbian sexual undertones? I think Smeyer is just so repressed that her sexual urges have to spill out onto the page.

The Volturi are here to kill all the newborns. Jane is questioning their hostage. I want to kill myself.

I kind of like Jane. She’s a little psychotic, but she’s badass.

Jane laughed — the sound was golden, the bubbling laugh of a happy child. “This one seems to bring out bizarrely strong reactions in our kind,” she observed, smiling directly at me, her face beatific. Because she’s a special little snowflake, HAVE YOU NOT HEARD?

“Come,” Jane said, and I looked up in time to see the backs of the tall gray cloaks drifting away toward the curling smoke. The incense smell was strong again — fresh. So…burning flesh smells like incense? So THAT’S what Father Mal burned all those times I went to church with Baba! No WONDER everyone hates him!

Chapter 26- Ethics

“Jacob is fine, Bella,” Alice said, easily interpreting my preoccupation. “There’s no hurry. If you realized how much extra morphine Carlisle had to give him — what with his temperature burning it off so quickly — you would know that he’s going to be out for a while.” Somehow I don’t think medicine works that way. I don’t think your body temperature affects the effectiveness of morphine.

“Will I be like that?” I asked her, my voice subdued. “Like that girl Bree in the meadow?” Of course not. Because Bella is perfect.

“Yeah — in between insulting somebody’s mother and taking the Lord’s name in vain, he said, ‘Bet you’re glad she loves Cullen instead of me today, huh, Charlie?’” Oh Charlie, I love you.

“He was nervous as a turkey on Thanksgiving all morning.” If I wasn’t blinded by love for Charlie, I would say something about the hick dialogue he’s forced to have. But this is just too funny.

“Will you tell me before you do anything major? Before you run off with him or something?” You may as well just hope for it to be cloudy with a chance of meatballs.

So now Bella goes to visit Jacob and I’m contemplating just skipping ahead to avoid this excruciating conversation that is sure to follow.

“A little stoned. Dr. Fang isn’t sure how much pain medication I need, so he’s going with trial and error. Think he overdid it.” Ha ha, I get it. But is it bad that as soon as I saw the word “Fang” I immediately thought of Fang from the Chick Tracts? I dreamed, by the way, about Chick Tracts last night. I have to stop reading those.

“It is my fault. And I’m so sick of being told it’s not.”
He grinned. It didn’t touch his eyes. “You want me to haul you over the coals?”
“Actually . . . I think I do.” Argh, she’s such a masochist.
He pursed his lips as he measured how much I meant it. A smile flashed across his face briefly, and then he twisted his expression into a fierce scowl.
“Kissing me back like that was inexcusable.” He spit the words at me. “If you knew you were just going to take it back, maybe you shouldn’t have been quite so convincing about it.” ExCUSE me? That was the whole POINT of your manipulation, so that she would kiss you back. And now you’re bitching at her for it?

“Sorry doesn’t make anything better, Bella. What were you thinking?” What? That’s what you WANTED her to do. I…can’t say that I’m understanding anything anymore.

And he calls her honey again. And compares her to…the kid in the story about King Solomon? Okay.

I’m so over this conversation.

I could so write a better story about a vampire/human/werewolf love triangle. I’m half tempted to just write one myself and send it to Little Brown.

He smiled halfheartedly. Then he frowned. “But isn’t it more dangerous than that? In all of the stories, they say it’s too hard . . . they lose control . . . people die. . . .” He gulped. So…exactly how many stories are there about vampires having sex with humans? It’s implied that there’s quite a few, but that would mean that the werewolves are just a bunch of voyeurs.

Chapter 27- Needs

Why, oh why am I torturing myself like this?

Bella stops by the side of the road and starts crying, Alice sees it and Edward comes to help her, and honestly, it’s not NORMAL that she doesn’t ever want privacy.

“I’ll be in my room,” I told him, shrugging out from underneath his hands. “I’ll be in my bunk.” NO! MUST NOT TAINT FIREFLY!

Fifteen pages. Probably less, taking into account the flyleaf and acknowledgements and about the author. I’m fading fast.

More self image issues.

I shook my head. “You don’t understand. You may be brave enough or strong enough to live without me, if that’s what’s best. But I could never be that self-sacrificing. I have to be with you. It’s the only way I can live.” I must vomit.

She’s quoting from Wuthering Heights now.

Alice has Bella’s wedding dress on hand. Okay?

She took a step back, holding her hand out to the dress like she was a game show hostess. Uh, the game show hosts don’t show off the merchandise, duh. The Barker Beauties do!

Why exactly does Bella equate “marriage” with “Anne of Green Gables”? I equate it with farming. Redheads. Orphans. Blackboard tablets. Boats. PEI. Old people. Not marriage, really.

Bella’s birthday is September 13th. Okay, this is wrong for a few reasons. First, my birthday is September 11th. MINE. NOT HERS. And also, I give all my heroines the same birthday. I want their birthdays to be in September, but not mine because it’s mine, and because it’s 9/11. And I like the number 13 so I always make their birthdays September 13th. The same as Bella’s. NOOOOOOOOOO! DO NOT WANT!

“Tell me why you’re doing this, Bella. Why did you decide, now, to give Alice free reign?” GODDAMMIT. Giving “free rein”. Like, you know, a horse has reins? Free REIN.

And Edward randomly is not going to marry her. Because she’s trying to make everyone else happy.

And now he’s starting to call her “Bella, love”. Apparently this gets annoying in Breaking Dawn.

Oh, never mind!my less noble side exulted. My head was full of the sweetness of his breath. Breath is not sweet. Breath is gross.

Oh for fuck’s sake. Edward’s not going to marry her but he will sex her up, in fact he will do it RIGHT NOW and now…SHE DOESN’T WANT TO? I DON’T UNDERSTAND. And she wants to get married…? Nothing makes SENSE.

Epilogue- Choice

Wow. It took me awhile to figure this out, but we are in Jacob’s POV now. I think Smeyer should make this clearer.

“For you ?” It took me a minute to believe she was serious. “You have to be the most self-absorbed person alive, Leah. I’d hate to shatter the dream world you live in — the one where the sun is orbiting the place where you stand — so I won’t tell you how little I care what your problem is. Go. Away. ” Why, oh why does she have to make every female a selfish harpy?

NO WAY. Jacob just called her a harpy!

I really want to like Leah but I just CAN’T.

“This is making me sick, Jacob. Can you imagine what this feels like tome ? I don’t even like Bella Swan. And you’ve got me grieving over this leech-lover like I’m in love with her, too. Can you see where that might be a little confusing? I dreamed about kissing her last night! What the hell am I supposed to do with that ?” More lesbian overtones.

She scrambled to her feet — pausing only to spit in my direction — and ran for the trees, vibrating like a tuning fork. If she’s vibrating like a tuning fork, maybe she’s seizing. Someone should call an ambulance.

Jacob got a wedding invitation. Way to twist the knife in deeper, guys.

Jacob runs away and there’s an awesome visual of him tearing off his clothes as he does so. Somehow I don’t think this book is supposed to be as hilarious as it is.

The acknowledgements page is very long. It just amazes me that this many people were in close contact with this book series and no one, NOT ONE PERSON, was like, “Stephenie, this book is shit.”

NO NO NO NO NO. In addition to thanking Muse, as per usual, and SHE ALSO THANKS JACK’S MANNEQUIN. NO NO NO NO NO. She also thanks Blue October, which is good because they’re a shit band.