Eclipse Chapters 15 and 16

Chapter 15- Wager

I have to stop reading Chick tracts. THEY ARE MESSING WITH MY HEAD. This stuff doesn't look NEARLY as batshit anymore.

Anyway, Jacob's revelation completely comes out of left field apparently, despite the fact that she keeps talking about how she doesn't like it that he loves her and he holds her hand and always wants to hang out with her and SERIOUSLY, how socially inept IS SHE? Like, does she not know how to read people AT ALL?

“Tell me exactly why you want me around, then.”
I thought carefully. “I miss you when you’re not there. When you’re happy,” I qualified carefully, “it makes me happy. But I could say the same thing about Charlie, Jacob. You’re family. I love you, but I’m notin love with you.”
He nodded, unruffled. “But you do want me around.”

Seriously, how much perseverance does this guy HAVE? He's been in unrequited love with her for like two and a half books and he still is not giving up, or even showing any signs of decline in his devotion. It's kind of going from "charmingly overconfident" to "annoyingly arrogant".

He nodded, unruffled. “But you do want me around.”
“Yes.” I sighed. He was impossible to discourage.
“Then I’ll stick around.”
“You’re a glutton for punishment,” I grumbled.
“Yep.” He stroked the tips of his fingers across my right cheek. I slapped his hand away.
“Do you think you could behave yourself a little better, at least?” I asked, irritated.
“No, I don’t. You decide, Bella. You can have me the way I am — bad behavior included — or not at all.”
I stared at him, frustrated. “That’s mean.”
“So are you.”

How old is Bella? Like ten? Also, Jacob's being kind of emotionally manipulative here. "If you want to hang out, you have to let me grope you even though you have a boyfriend or WE CAN'T BE FRIENDS." If I had a friend like that, I'd tell him to fuck off, if he has absolutely no regard for her feelings or romantic situation.

I just want to get the quasi rape part over with. When is that coming? Never mind, it's coming up ahead. There be monsters!

Suddenly, he was serious. He took my chin in his hand, holding it firmly so that I couldn’t look away from his intent gaze.
“Until your heart stops beating, Bella,” he said. “I’ll be here — fighting. Don’t forget that you have options.”
“I don’t want options,” I disagreed, trying to yank my chin free unsuccessfully. “And my heartbeats are numbered, Jacob. The time is almost gone.”
His eyes narrowed. “All the more reason to fight — fight harder now, while I can,” he whispered.

I have to fight my inner romantic! He is charming me but I KNOW HE TURNS INTO AN ASSHOLE. Right now, in fact. This has to go in its entirety.

His lips crushed mine, stopping my protest. He kissed me angrily, roughly, his other hand gripping tight around the back of my neck, making escape impossible. I shoved against his chest with all my strength, but he didn’t even seem to notice. His mouth was soft, despite the anger, his lips molding to mine in a warm, unfamiliar way. I just don't understand here. We have the first part, which I guess for some people could be considered hot. Angry kisses are hot! And then she shoves him away and he pulls her closer, which is getting a little into quasi-rape territory, and then she talks about his "warm, soft lips". Like, are we supposed to like this part? Is it supposed to be romantic? The prose flips from good to bad to good. I mean...I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT TO FEEL!

I grabbed at his face, trying to push it away, failing again. I just got this amazing mental image where they're kissing and then she grabs fistfuls of his cheeks and tries to push him away.

He seemed to notice this time, though, and it aggravated him. His lips forced mine open, and I could feel his hot breath in my mouth.
Acting on instinct, I let my hands drop to my side, and shut down. I opened my eyes and didn’t fight, didn’t feel . . . just waited for him to stop. Oh good FUCKING lord. SERIOUSLY. NO. NO YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DO NOTHING AND WAIT FOR IT TO STOP. Women have been fighting for equality since...I don't know, the earliest feminist I can think of is Mary Wollstonecraft, so it's been at least 250 years or so. And then Smeyer comes along to fuck it all up. HELL NO.

It worked. The anger seemed to evaporate, and he pulled back to look at me. He pressed his lips softly to mine again, once, twice . . . a third time. I pretended I was a statue and waited.
Finally, he let go of my face and leaned away.
How can that be a turn on for anyone but like, a necrophiliac? I'm going to kiss this unresponsive person who doesn't want me in any way and it's totally turning me on! Also, it's getting harder and harder to like anyone in this book. I liked Jacob but then...this happened. I like Charlie but Bella's stupidity and her bitchery towards him is colouring my whole perception of him and I associate him with Bella and so I dislike him. The residual love from his character in the movie is wearing off. I like Emmett, but that is directly from Growing Up Cullen. So really, I don't like anyone, and it's exhausting reading a book where there are NO sympathetic characters. I guess the closest any other book has come to having the same situation is The Kite Runner with Amir, who's kind of an asshole, the dad, who is a stubborn and judgmental asshole, Hassad (is that his name?) who is a doormat, that psycho guy who anal rapes people when he's like, twelve. But at least Amir goes through actual character development over the course of one book. I mean, here it is the third book and Bella hasn't developed as a person at all.

“Are you done now?” I asked in an expressionless voice.
“Yes,” he sighed. He started to smile, closing his eyes.
If you took this interaction and placed it in a book where the main character got raped by a serial killer, it would make sense. Thus, the fact that it is in a book about a girl interacting with her supposed best friend, who in New Moon was nice, sweet, and caring, it MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE.

So then she punches him and it does nothing AND she breaks her hand, which is another instance of Smeyer going "Women cannot do anything physical. They cannot even stand up for themselves because the men are bigger, stronger, and (apparently) impervious to pain. The most you can do is just stand still and endure". It's like that whole "lie back and think of England" thing except THIS IS THE 21st CENTURY. As someone in the anti-Twilight Facebook group so eloquently put it, "WTF Smeyer? You have a vag too!" I just don't understand female anti-feminists. I mean, I get it if you're like 90 and grew up with those values, but Smeyer grew up in like, the seventies and eighties. What the hell?

Wait. How did she get to La Push if she has no car? Never mind, they did the Bella tradeoff thing.

“Just let me drive you home,” Jacob insisted. Unbelievably, he had the nerve to wrap his arm around my waist.
I jerked away from him.
“Fine!” I growled. “Do!I can’t wait to see what Edward does to you! I hope he snaps your neck, you pushy, obnoxious, moronic DOG!”

First of all, who the HELL in the world has this conversation:
"Let me drive you home."
"Do!"

Like, what is this, the 19th century? Also, the most she could home up with was "dog"? The guy you thought you could trust implicitly just forced himself on you when you've explicitly stated a few times that you only like him as a friend AND you have a boyfriend? What, you couldn't force your virgin mouth to say "motherfucker" or "son of a bitch"? At the very LEAST she could have called him a jerk or something.

“I hate you, Jacob Black.”
“That’s good. Hate is a passionate emotion.”
“I’ll give you passionate,” I muttered under my breath. “Murder, the ultimate crime of passion.”
“Oh, c’mon,” he said, all cheery and looking like he was about to start whistling again. “That had to be better than kissing a rock.”
“Not even remotely close,” I told him coldly.
He pursed his lips. “You could just be saying that.”
“But I’m not.”
That seemed to bother him for a second, but then he perked up. “You’re just mad. I don’t have any experience with this kind of thing, but I thought it was pretty incredible myself.”

Passionate hate is not the same as passionate love. Not everyone can be Mr. and Mrs. Smith. And who, after forcing a kiss one someone and then getting punched, starts whistling cheerily? What the fuck is this Snow White and Seven Dwarves for the Rapist's Soul? And yes, I did mix two different books there, why do you ask? And "It was pretty incredible"? SOMEONE'S got a pretty high opinion of themselves? And he kissed a nonresponsive person. I'm fairly certain not much pleasure can be had out of kissing someone who's not kissing you back. I mean, I used to practice on my pillows so I would know.

"I would never, never hurt you, Bella.”
I held up my injured hand.
He sighed. “That wasn’t my fault. You should have known better.” Okay, what kind of condescending bullshit is THIS? "You were just going to hurt yourself, so why bother fighting back against an oppressive asshole who doesn't know when to quit?" Right now, rape victims everywhere are gearing up to put a hit on Smeyer.

He grinned over at me. “You kissed me back.” Are you SHITTING me? Does Jacob know what a kiss is like? Bella explicitly stated that she shut down and didn't do anything. She definitely didn't kiss him back, at least not from what I read. Jacob is a wee bit delusional.

“Obviously you can’t — that was not kissing back, that was trying to get you the hell off of me, you idiot. ” Is she...standing up for herself? WHAT KIND OF STRANGE PARALLEL DIMENSION HAVE I ENTERED?

“This is your home, Bella,” he said quietly.
“Yes, but do any doctors live here?” I asked, holding up my hand again.
“Oh.” He thought about that for a minute. “I’ll take you to the hospital. Or Charlie can.”
“I don’t want to go to the hospital. It’s embarrassing and unnecessary.”

Yes, those goddamn hospitals. They like, help people and shit, but they're totally unnecessary, especially in cases of broken hands.

Okay, and now, because Smeyer has to totally fuck up the only other likeable character in this horrific "saga", I present to you "What If Charlie Was a Misogynistic Asshole?" courtesy of Stephenie Meyer.

“Hey, Charlie,” Jacob answered casually, pausing. I stalked on to the kitchen.
“What’s wrong with her?” Charlie wondered.
“She thinks she broke her hand,” I heard Jacob tell him. I went to the freezer and pulled out a tray of ice cubes.
“How did she do that?” As my father, I thought Charlie ought to sound a bit less amused and a bit more concerned.
Jacob laughed. “She hit me.”
Charlie laughed, too, and I scowled while I beat the tray against the edge of the sink. The ice scattered inside the basin, and I grabbed a handful with my good hand and wrapped the cubes in the dishcloth on the counter.
“Why did she hit you?”
“Because I kissed her,” Jacob said, unashamed.
“Good for you, kid,” Charlie congratulated him.

Okay wow. First off, you'd think Charlie would be a bit more worried that his daughter broke her hand. Second, "Oh yeah, Charlie, I forced myself on your unwilling daughter and she hit me. Isn't that sweet?" "Good going, Jacob! Who cares about free will!" Like, WHAT THE FUCK, seriously? Where did this sudden 180 come from? When did Charlie turn into a prick? WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO MAKE ME HATE EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER SHE CREATES? ;LSAJHDFKJHSDFLKJASHFDH. Notice that Charlie doesn't even ask if she's okay. If I broke my hand punching someone who kissed me when I didn't want them to, I'm fairly certain that my dad would go get his shotgun. Even if it was someone he liked. At the very least, my BROTHER would. Smeyer wants everyone to believe that women are weak little damsels who can't and SHOULDN'T take care of themselves, and all men are misogynistic assholes who just use women for their own amusement. THIS JUST PISSES ME OFF AT EVERY LEVEL IMAGINABLE.

“Good,” Edward said bleakly. “Though I’m sorry you’re hurt.”
I laughed once, because he sounded as pleased as Charlie had. What? Charlie was pleased that she hit Jacob? Or is she being sarcastic, despite the fact that Charlie and Edward had two completely disparate reactions? I just...I don't even understand this. Does Smeyer have the same kind of condition as that guy in Memento, who can't remember things from minute to minute? Like, does she honestly just forget what she writes and how she made the characters behave previously, and just goes "eh, fuck it" and injects them with new emotions and character traits and hopes that her readers don't notice? Like, I wish I could just see into her head. I bet it's an interesting and trippy place.

In the other room, Charlie spoke again. “Maybe you ought to take off, Jake,” he suggested. Wow. WOW. I thought he said "Maybe you ought to take it off, Jake" and I was like, "THAT IS A PLOT TWIST I DIDN'T SEE COMING." Weirdest. Slash. EVAR. It's like that weird sexual tension that Vanessa and Rufus have on Gossip Girl, except more bizarre. Anyway, Jacob just invites himself over and decide that he's going to hang around the house with...Charlie? By himself? You know, maybe that plot twist isn't so out of the realm of possibility at all.

“How’s your hand?” Charlie asked as I walked by. Charlie looked uncomfortable. Jacob lolled next to him on the sofa, perfectly at ease. Jacob just reminds me of like, those smarmy rich kids from 80's John Hughes movies. I could totally see him played by James Spader or something, except I don't want to sully James Spader. I have residual love for him as Daniel Jackson in Stargate, and that residual love is STRONG considering I didn't like the movie and LOVE the TV series, and Daniel Jackson isn't even played by James Spader in the series.

I can't BELIEVE Charlie is still on Jacob's side. Like, he even gives off the impression of being mad at Bella for punching him, even though SHE WAS JUST STANDING UP FOR HERSELF. What the hell, Charlie? I'm just going to imagine him from the movie so I can still love him. Fuck, I need to like SOMEONE in this godforsaken book.

Also, how can she break her hand punching Jacob? He's not made of stone, like the vampires. So she must have hit him pretty fucking hard, except he didn't even feel it, so it can't have been that hard. And I don't think the werewolves have super strength or whatever like Superman, especially not when they're in human form. And even if she kept her thumb on the inside like an amateur, that would just break her THUMB, not her whole fucking HAND. So I really don't understand. Honestly, has Smeyer just been in like, suspended animation or something for the past decade? I have no idea how anyone can have so little knowledge on how teenagers behave or speak, of basic physics, or fundamental knowledge of the supernatural.

“Hmph,” I grumbled. And again, people do not actually SAY "hmph" in casual conversation. Only in comic books, and unless I have missed something crucial, this is not a graphic novel.

Then he turned back to Jacob. “But if you ever bring her back damaged again--" Doesn't it sound like he's talking about, I don't know, a Transformers toy or something? "I know it has a three year warranty, but if you EVER scratch Optimus Prime's head again, I will END YOU."

Edward continued as if he hadn’t heard me. “And if you ever kiss her again, Iwill break your jaw for her,” he promised, his voice still gentle and velvet and deadly.
“What if she wants me to?” Jacob drawled, arrogant.
“Hah!” I snorted.
“If that’s what she wants, then I won’t object.” Edward shrugged, untroubled. “You might want to wait for her tosay it, rather than trust your interpretation of body language — but it’s your face.”
Jacob grinned.
“You wish,” I grumbled.
“Yes, he does,” Edward murmured.
“Well, if you’re done rummaging through my head,” Jacob said with a thick edge of annoyance, “why don’t you go take care of her hand?”
“One more thing,” Edward said slowly. “I’ll be fighting for her, too. You should know that. I’m not taking anything for granted, and I’ll be fighting twice as hard as you will.”
“Good,” Jacob growled. “It’s no fun beating someone who forfeits.”
“Sheis mine.” Edward’s low voice was suddenly dark, not as composed as before. “I didn’t say I would fight fair.”
“Neither did I.”
“Best of luck.”
Jacob nodded. “Yes, may the bestman win.”

Sure, let's talk about our possession of Bella as if she isn't there, that's not weird or chauvanistic at all. And SERIOUSLY, it sounds as if they're talking about a toy or something. This just...makes me want to become a lesbian, honestly.

Jasper and Emmett have some kind of bet. GROWING UP CULLEN! They're apparently betting about how many people she'll kill in her first year as a vampire. Emmett has gotten MORE awesome, if that's possible, and Jasper is starting to catch up. I think they should get their own spinoff.

I felt a little high. “Jasper’s betting high.”
Who the FUCK authorized those two sentences? How did that get past an editor? SERIOUSLY.

“It will make him feel better if you have a hard time adjusting. He’s tired of being the weakest link.”
“Sure. Of course it will. I guess I could throw in a few extra homicides, if it makes Jasper happy. Why not?”

That's actually kind of funny, and I feel dirty thinking that anyone, ESPECIALLY Bella, is genuinely funny in this abomination.

My handwas broken, but there wasn’t any serious damage, just a tiny fissure in one knuckle. I didn’t want a cast, and Carlisle said I’d be fine in a brace if I promised to keep it on. I promised. How the fuck do you know it's just a tiny fissure on the knuckle? Do the Cullens have their own medical room complete with an X-ray machine? How does THAT fact escape anybody?

Am I still on the first chapter here? Apparently I am. FUCK this is long. I'm losing my will to live. And I still have another chapter to do. Aaaand she's worrying about being a vampire again. Well, it hurts me to use a cliche, but you made your bed, you fucking LIE in it.

Chapter 16- Epoch

Smeyer's an English major, she can use big words like epoch.

My khaki skirt lay over the back of the rocking chair, waiting for me to discover something that went with it just exactly right. Something that would make me look beautiful and grown up. Something that said special occasion. I was coming up empty.
It was almost time to go, and I was still wearing my favorite old sweats. Unless I could find something better here — and the odds weren’t looking good at this point — I was going to graduate in them.

First...khaki skirt? What is this, the 70's? Secondly...you just forgot to buy a grad dress? Or, I'm not sure how graduation works in the States. Do they even have grad dresses? Regardless, she definitely just randomly FORGOT to buy something to wear for graduation. How the fuck does that even happen?

And abra kadabra deus ex machina (if you pronounce the Latin wrong, it almost rhymes) Alice has something to wear. Well, why should Bella actually have to solve a problem for herself? She's reminding me more and more of the Mary Sues I created when I was, oh I don't know, twelve, except if I recall mine had a bunch of special skills like karate and fencing and shit. Even when I was TWELVE, no wait, the one I'm thinking of I wrote when I was nine. Even when I was NINE I was more of a feminist than Smeyer, and nine year olds are dumb. Seriously, how does that even work?

“Aren’t you going to open it?” she asked. She sighed when I didn’t move immediately, and tugged the top of the box off herself. Okay, honestly? This is getting so ridiculous it's almost a self parody. She literally cannot OPEN A PRESENT by herself, as evidenced by this passage here AND the FUBAR birthday party in New Moon.

“Listen, Alice, don’t you see? It’s thesame ! The one who broke in and stole my things, and the new vampires in Seattle. They’re together!” You haven't figured this out already? Also, this vampire stole clothes that I guess were...clean. If the clothes were clean, you can't pick out a scent DUMBASS.

I was through expecting my emotions to make sense anymore. As I processed the fact that someone had created an army of vampires — the army that had gruesomely murdered dozens of people in Seattle —for the express purpose of destroyingme, I felt a spasm of relief.

Okay, relief is not the word I was expecting. Also, argh. This vampire is creating a vampire army, something really really hard to do and also, if I remember correctly, unnatural, since vampires don't like to group together just to kill Bella and get revenge. That is some SERIOUS determination. And, why would you need an army? She's obviously stupid enough to be lured to a random dance studio in Phoenix, why not try another half assed scheme like that? And really, BELLA IS NOT THAT FUCKING IMPORTANT.

She feels relief, for the record, because the vampires are not all trying to kill the Cullens. Okay...? This shit makes about as much sense as the Chick tracts.

Why isn't this dress being described? I've come to expect the My Immortal-esque obsession with arbitrarily describing clothing. GODDAMMIT SMEYER, I'M READING THIS FOR THE LULZ. I AT LEAST EXPECT YOU TO BE CONSISTENT.

Also, she didn't put on any makeup, do anything with her hair, or even CHECK HERSELF OUT IN THE MIRROR. I know she's BELLA SWAN and all, but I think she would at least care a little at what she looked like on grad. I mean, she's A LITTLE human, right?

Charlie had gotten stubborn last week when he’d learned that I was intending to ride with Edward to the graduation ceremony. And I could see his point — parents should have some rights come graduation day. I’d conceded with good grace, and Edward had cheerfully suggested that we all go together. Oh Bella, you are such a little saint. How GOOD you are, letting your father drive you to graduation. I WANT TO STAB MYSELF IN THE EYES.

It was pandemonium as Ms. Cope from the front office and Mr. Varner the math teacher tried to line everyone up alphabetically. Oh shit! Bella's with the S's and Edward's with the C's. Is there going to be a deus ex machina so that they don't have to be apart? Is Edward going to pull some Henry Fitzroy-esque vampire mind voodoo so that Mr. Varner will make an exception just this once?

Nope.

Also, Jessica is randomly being nice again and honestly, the way she is babbling incessantly sounds like's on speed or something. Maybe this is setting up for a spinoff about Jessica's downward spiral into drug use and then her ultimate redemption with the help of Bella Swan. This will, incidentally, come out at the same time as the spinoff about Jasper and Emmett becoming bookies and running an underground supernatural gambling ring, because Smeyer cannot tear her herself away from her characters. Also, the Jasper and Emmett thing was supposed to be a joke but that sounds AWESOME. Can someone write that? Right now? Please?

Because it was an ending, no matter what Eric, the valedictorian, had to say about commencement meaning “beginning” and all the rest of the trite nonsense. Her condescension is really starting to piss me off. I mean, I guess Smeyer didn't have a good high school experience and she's kind of getting revenge on her graduating class, but does she have to take ou her anger on the unwitting population of the world?

It went so quickly. I felt like I’d hit the fast forward button. Were we supposed to march quite that fast? And then Eric was speed talking in his nervousness, the words and phrases running together so they didn’t make sense anymore. Principal Greene started calling names, one after the other without a long enough pause between; the front row in the gymnasium was rushing to catch up. Poor Ms. Cope was all thumbs as she tried to give the principal the right diploma to hand to the right student. Fuck, it's like a whole school of retards, seriously. I don't think any school is collectively that idiotic. I know Flake comes close, but even Garth didn't fuck up the tassel thing this year, that I recall. Smeyer makes it seem like Forks is full of bumbling, nervous idiots who can't function in front of an audience. And Bella Swan is just too good for everyone there.

Only the two of them could carry off the hideous yellow and still look the way they did. They stood out from the rest of the crowd, their beauty and grace otherworldly. I wondered how I’d ever fallen for their human farce. A couple of angels, standing there with wings intact, would be less conspicuous.

We've actually gone quite a long time without mentioning how angelic they are. I was thinking that maybe Smeyer got over her angel fetish. Alas, I was mistaken.

I went to stand next to Jessica with the assembled graduates. Jess was all red around the eyes, and she kept blotting her face with the sleeve of her robe. It took me a second to understand that she was crying. Because...you're an idiot?

“What was she thinking about, anyway? To keep you out, I mean.”
His eyes flashed down to my face, and narrowed in suspicion. “She was translating the Battle Hymn of the Republic into Arabic, actually. When she finished that, she moved on to Korean sign language.” That was also kind of funny. Although I don't know if you can translate shit into sign language in your head. I guess theoretically you could imagine the hand positions in your head, but that seems like a lot of effort when you could just pick a different, spoken language. And is there such a thing as "Korean sign language"? Like, do Koreans have their own form of sign language? Or was she using ASL and translating stuff into Korean that way? Never mind, apparently there is a Korean sign language, who knew? But my first point still stands.

“Bella!” Charlie crowed, pushing his way past the close-packed families around us.
“Congratulations, baby!” He was still yelling, even though he was right at my ear now. He wrapped his arms around me, ever so slyly shuffling Edward off to the side as he did so. Charlie's so sweet. I think I love him again.

“So where do you want to go out for dinner?” Charlie asked. “The sky’s the limit.”
“I can cook.”
“Don’t be silly. Do you want to go to the Lodge?” he asked with an eager smile.
I did not particularly enjoy Charlie’s favorite restaurant, but, at this point, what was the difference? I wasn’t going to be able to eat anyway.

Wow, she is an unpleasable little bitch, isn't she? Her dad is excited that she graduated and wants to take her out for supper and she is STILL going to whine about shit? I wish she was real so I could kill her.

The Lodge was crowded. The place was, in my opinion, overpriced and tacky, but it was the only thing close to a formal restaurant in town, so it was always popular for events. I stared morosely at a depressed-looking stuffed elk head while Charlie ate prime rib and talked over the back of the seat to Tyler Crowley’s parents.

And again. Seriously. Where the HELL is Thursday Next so she can jump into this book and shoot Bella in the head, execution style?

“I want to help Alice set things up,” I claimed. Can no one just speak normally? I have honestly never, EVER seen "claim" used in this context. And I have read a shitload of books.

Charlie chuckled. “Well, you look really nice. I wish I’d thought to get you something. Sorry.”
He didn't even think to get her anything? It's grad. You buy presents. It's like a prerequisite. How can he just forget? Did Smeyer actually graduate? It would explain A LOT if she didn't.

“No matter what side I’m on, if someone kisses you without your permission, you should be able to make your feelings clear without hurting yourself. You didn’t keep your thumb inside your fist, did you?” Previous rage subsiding. A little. But honestly, there he goes doing another 180? What the hell did continuity ever do to Smeyer?

This was a really long recap, I have to admit. But I haven't gotten good and outraged for awhile, so I guess that's a plus.