NEW MOON PT. 1

The one good thing (and trust me, there is only one) about the Twilight series is since it's so popular, the movies get pirated and put on the internet VEEEERY quickly, so I can enjoy their hilarious badness, safe in the knowledge that a) I'm not paying for it, b) Nobody sees me and thinks I like this shit unironically, and c) Smeyer is not getting my money. Those thoughts make me feel warm and fuzzy.

It took a lot of searching, but I finally found a fairly good quality pirated copy and I'll be watching it FOR YOU my nonreaders. And for me, since I need the laugh.

Little background: this is the movie in which Bella goes catatonic for months because Edward left her and then she starts trying to kill herself to hear his voice in her head. This movie is also better known as "Jacob shirtless OMG".

So without further ado, here is New Moon.

So we start off with the typical slooooooow imagery with a moon slooooooowly being eclipsed and the words New Moon sloooooooowly coming onto the screen. Then there's a...I'm not sure what you call a scene from the movie that will come later. But Bella is in Italy and then she's running through all these red robed people and never mind it's a dream. Bella sees her grandma and then EW there's Edward Cullen wearing some kind of douchey suit with a weird black collar thing. Seriously, I don't know what up with that.

I HEAR THE SPARKLE NOISES!

OMG PLOT TWIST. Bella's "grandma" is Bella and Edward is still with her, despite the fact that...yeah, I'm not gonna go there.

YAY IT'S MY FAVOURITE CHARACTER. HI CHARLIE, I MISSED YOU! Charlie is one of three of the movie characters that I adore unironically. One of them is Jacob's dad, who seemed very sweet and funny in the first film (but of course, like all the human characters, gets abruptly phased out) and the other is Emmett, who seems like such a hilarious douchebag. In the books, I enjoy Jasper as well (although this [and possibly my love of Emmett] come solely from Growing Up Cullen.)

It's Bella's birthday and Charlie is being so sweet and bringing Bella her presents. You know, I think it would have been interesting if Bella actually loved her dad and didn't have so much contempt for him and we could see how she deals with becoming a vampire and then the possibility of outliving him. But silly me, that would provide conflict and everything has to go as smoothly as possibly for little Bella Sue.

This version I'm watching cut off the heads. I'm not sure whether this will be annoying.

Charlie jokes that she's getting old and she FREAKS OUT. She actually believes she has a grey hair.

Side note: I think I've mentioned this before. Okay, Edward kisses old!Bella's hand. I shuddered, and not because of Edward! It's because I haaaaaaaate getting my hand kissed (and yes, this has somehow happened enough for me to form an opinion). Everyone thinks this is so romantic but it's so gross.

OMG OMG OMG Edward is walking in slow mo towards Bella with his own soundtrack. I can't even DESCRIBE how cheesy this is.

Bella complains about being old and Edward's all "Dude, I'm 109" and she's like, "maybe I shouldn't be dating such an old man" and THIS IS EXACTLY LIKE THE SCENE WHERE CHLOE AND BUCK WERE JOKING ABOUT HIM BEING OLD.

K, Jacob needs to cut his hair. Taylor Lautner's teeth are SO WHITE.

Also: How dooes Jacob know it's Bella's birthday? I have guy friends that I've known for years and I still don't know their birthdays.

Bella tries to make jokes, but it just doesn't work. I give her an A for effort, but a D on the execution.

Everyone loves Alice, but I find her SO UNSETTLING. You know who else I find unsettling? JASPER. He's like a creepy pedo (almost literally, ha ha ha ha ha) who hangs out in a high school.

IS THAT RAY WISE IN ENGLISH CLASS????? On the one hand GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN, RAY! But on the other YES, YOU CAN MAKE THIS BETTER. Never mind. Sadly it's not him. But now I want to watch Reaper.

So the students are watching Romeo and Juliet and Mike looks like I did when I watched the BBC version. Edward is quoting Romeo and Juliet and this is supposed to be romantic, despite the fact that talking along with the movie is one of the MOST ANNOYING THINGS A PERSON CAN DO. They're talking in the middle of class about Edward's plans to kill himself should Bella ever die. That's romantic.

I can't WAIT to see Michael Sheen and Christopher Heyerdahl. HI CHRIS! GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN, BUT PLEASE RETURN TO STARGATE ATLANTIS AND SUPERNATURAL, KTHXBAI.

So, is it like a prerequisite of vampires to wear floaty vampire shirts?

WHOA. This is more action than I expect from a Twilight film. The Volturi (scary vampire overlords) are shown BREAKING SOMEONE'S NECK. I...I kind of enjoyed that.

I still find Alice so unsettling.

EMMETT! Hopefully you have more lines! YES! Omg. Maybe I just have very, very low standards for this film, but Emmett was like, "Dating an older woman? Hot!" and at Edward's contemptuous look, Emmett's like, "...what?" I LOVE HIM. This is my low standards talking, but I love him!

Bella gets a papercut and it's bleeding like a mofo. I've had papercuts and...they're not generally that bad. Like, I don't think my fingers bled as much as hers when I cut myself on the Tomato Witch at work. So Jasper attacks and I think he gets thrown into the piano or something. Bella's all cut up and Edward's just watching her CREEPY.

So this is supposed to be like Romeo and Juliet. Smeyer does know that's about two impetuous morons whose lack of logical thinking ended in their deaths, right?

There is SO MUCH SILENCE in this film. I wish I was watching this shit with RiffTrax. "Line...line...LINE!"

Dear God, I'm only 20 minutes in and already I want to kill myself.

I know this question has been asked a million times. But WHY IN THE WORLD is she attracted to Edward Cullen. Even leaving out all the abusive stalkerness, he's just so bland and humourless and BORING. Like he never cracks jokes, except for last movie when he was like, "Yes, no...to get to the other side." That was one of like three lines I enjoyed (one coming from Charlie, the other from Billy Black).

So now Edward says he has to leave (EDWARD LOOKS SO SCARY) and she's all, "I'LL COME WITH YOU ZOMG" and he's like, "I don't want you to come" and of course, she's devastated because EVERY GIRL NEEDS A MAN. Oh lordy, this is so depressing how she is nothing without Edward.

Edward's lipstick is so...so...red. Like Gwen Stefani red.

Bella runs through the forest and then passes out or falls asleep or something. I dunno, I stopped paying attention because it's so boring. Plus, this is pirated from a theatre-goer so the visual quality isn't great and I can't currently see anything.

WTF? Billy's played by someone else now?

What possible reason could Sam have to walk around in the woods, at night, shirtless? I mean, fanservice is one thing, but REALLY FUCKING DUMB is another.

Oh hey, now Bella's catatonic. We are informed it's October and no she seriously is fucking catatonic. She's just in her room staring at nothing while melancholy music is playing. And now it's November, and she hasn't moved. I can't believe I'm actually looking at this now. Someone decided that THIS PART ACTUALLY HAD TO BE ON SCREEN. December. She hasn't moved yet. Who thought this would actually be a compelling movie?

Bella's screaming in her sleep. POOR CHARLIE. Charlie's such a good dad and then Bella just treats him like dirt.

HA HA HA HA HA there's a bar called "One Eyed Pete's." I would TOTALLY be on that shit like WHITE ON RICE. So anyway, Bella sees the rapists and starts to go over there for whatever reason and then SHE HEARS EDWARD IN HER HEAD and she sees him standing before her. It reminds me of the trailer for "The House on Haunted Hill" where Vincent Price's head is floating in the air and speaking in a disconcerting manner. (For your viewing pleasure: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FmgAsLr2bgI. It looks exactly like that, kind of sad seeing as HOHH was made back in the 50s. Btw: HOHH is a really good movie, better than this crap) The effects in New Moon are so bad, which is weird seeing as how I'm sure this movie had a bigger budget than the first.

Bella gets on a motorcycle with a fatter, sinister, version of Simon Pegg and Jessica freaks out.

Now Bella is putting her life in danger just to see Edward.

Jacob is so sweet in this movie. He obviously enjoys her company and he's so smiley when she's around and he's actually a real friend and a NORMAL DUDE. I like him so much better than Edward. And then Eclipse comes along and Jacob turns into a sexually assaulting loser. But you know, when it comes to Twilight, I'll enjoy my fuzzy feelings where I can get them.

Okay, I'm enjoying Jacob in almost every respect except for his fucking voice. I can't really describe it but it goes really gravelly and he talks like he has rocks in his mouth. I HATE that.

OMG Bella actually said something that was kinda funny and THEN SHE LAUGHED YOU GUYS. Jake was joking around that she had a crush on him and then she was like, "I'm not really into the cougar thing." Okay, it's not Laurel and Hardy, but I will take my laughs where I can get them.

Charlie is so sweet. Ha ha ha ha ha he's talking to Bella about how she should "love what's good for her" (meaning Jacob) and he's like, "What do I know? I'm a terminal bachelor. Famous ladies' man." I love him.

Bella says "mad skillz" and my opinion of her sense of humour plummets again.

Bella and Jacob see some Natives cliff diving and when Jacob says it's a rush, she gets the glimmer of an idea.

Yeah, I'm sure taking off your shirt to put it to Bella's wound was TOTALLY necessary. Bella, woozy in her head traumaed state, calls him beautiful. HOLY SHIT he is buff though. WOW.

Anyhoo, that's it for part 1 solely because I'm on Megavideo and you can only watch 72 minutes at a time and the reloading process is taking FOREVER so I'll just finish this tomorrow. I'll save my sanity that way.

Left Behind 23 TO THE END WOO

Edit: Someone left a puzzling comment on this post. I don't understand its significance.

I only have three chapters left so I'm getting this shit done in one fell swoop so I can concentrate on my NaNo and actual school work.

CHAPTER 23

Buck goes to Chicago and is greeted by a young woman in "sensible shoes." APPARENTLY this is slang somewhere for "lesbian" but if this wasn't a conscious decision on the part of Jenkins, why in the world would you describe someone as having sensible shoes?

Anyhoo, this woman is showing resourcefulness, independence, and whatever the opposite of submission is. Naturally, she will have a tragic ending.

"This is the world we've always wanted it and hoped it would be!"
Yeah, Buck, what's the matter? This is the world we've always wanted, with a third of the inhabitants (including all children) gone! And supposedly there's chaos and death everywhere! What's wrong with you? This world is awesome!

Chloe is like a Stepford Wife after her conversion. Before she was independent and had her own mind. Now she's all smiley and buys completely into whatever Rayford and Bruce tell her. It's freaky.

It's always such a shock whenever people talk about Bruce's youth, because I ALWAYS imagine him as Rene Angelil.

"Your friends, the Steeles, told me you might call," Bruce said.
Buck was struck by his honesty. In the world in which Buck moved, he might have kept that information to himself, that edge.
What edge? What edge does knowing that Buck might call give Bruce? And why would Buck think that Bruce, a pastor of a small church, would need an edge?

LMAO. Buck, Buck, Buck. Bruce is telling Buck about his history, about becoming a pastor but not really accepting Christ. And then Buck interrupts and asks if Bruce wants to know more about him. WHAT. First, who narcissistic is that? "Hey, you want to know more about me?" Second, YOU DON'T DO THAT IN INTERVIEWS. I thought Buck was the bestest reporter in the world! And yet he doesn't even know any rudimentary interviewing rules.

"He had feared Bruce was about to pop the question."
Yes, technically you can pop ANY question, but when have you seen that phrase outside stories about marriage proposal?

"But I have enough energy to go to midnight if you do."
Remember what I said about taking any line and making it into a that's what she said joke? Yeah.

Suddenly, Bruce is sure that Carpathia is the Antichrist. Wasn't it a few chapters ago that he wasn't sure or he didn't think so or something? CONTINUITY, JENKINS.

CHAPTER 24

Last chapter, Steve had asked Buck to bring Hattie to the Antichrist and this completely weirded Buck out, and he likened himself to a pimp. So, engineering it so you get the seat on a plane beside a girl you hardly know isn't creepy, but organizing a meeting between your two friends is?

Apparently Steve thought Buck was "the toughest bird dog" he ever sent on a story. Bird dog?

Buck and Steve proceed to have a coded phone message that will fool exactly no one, outside of infants and severely mentally damaged people. Here's what I mean. Buck is trying to get Steve to admit who he REALLY works for.
"You work for the Romanian businessman?"
GEE, I WONDER WHO THAT COULD BE.

"And I shouldn't broach the subject with him, in spite of the fact that I'm a writer who covers all bases and asks the tough questions?"
Writer? Wrong.
Covers all bases? Wrong.
Asks tough questions? Wrong.
Buck is the most unself-aware person I have ever had the displeasure of reading about.

BUCK IS SO STUPID. Bruce mentions that he thought Carpathia came from a mountainous region because of his name. Buck's all, "Durrrr...his name?" DUH, YOU DUMBASS, THE CARPATHIAN MOUNTAINS. Let's add "Carpathian" to the words he doesn't know the meaning of, in addition to "tape" and "how".

Hattie's got some BACKBONE, people! Buck calls her to advise her not to go visit Carpathia, and he says he's doing it "as a friend."
"You're not my friend, Buck. It was obvious you didn't even like me. I tried to shove you off onto Rayford Steele's little girl, and I'm not even sure you had the brains to pick up on that."
It's obvious here that they're trying to portray Hattie as some kind of hellish bitch, but the only thing running through my mind is, YOU GO GIRL. Dare I say it? I almost kind of love her. I guess now that Chloe's gone ("She's dead, Jim) I have to like a character just to keep from self-harm, and Hattie's it.

Chloe mentions to her father that she wants to invite Hattie for lunch, and Rayford's all, "I thought you didn't even like her." Since when? I thought they were kind of buddies. Didn't they go to the beauty salon together or something?

Others had noticed his [Buck's] purposeful stride.
This is something Buck and I have in common, and that makes me pretty unhappy. Apparently I "walk with purpose". The only difference is I'm not vain about this. Why would you be? Why would one of your selling points be a "purposeful stride"?

Didn't everyone love Carpathia once upon a time? It seems really sudden that everyone is so suspicious of him.

CHAPTER 25

Almost done, guys. Almost done.

This whole thing at the UN becomes funnier once you realize that LaHaye believes the UN is an agent of Satan. Here's what else he thinks is just a front for Satan:
Planned Parenthood
Some organization that is a proponent of equality
The State Department
Major foundations (Carnegie and Ford, etc)
the UN
Left wing politicians
Various Ivy League schools

So basically, people who want equality, proponents of global peace, proponents of education, and organizations whose purpose is to help children whose parents can't take care of them.
Tim LaHaye is batshit. His views on homosexuality are vile. From Wikipedia:

In 1978 LaHaye published The Unhappy Gays , which was later retitled What Everyone Should Know About Homosexuality. The book called homosexuals "militant, organized" and "vile." The Unhappy Gays also argues that gays share 16 pernicious traits, including "incredible promiscuity," "deceit," "selfishness," "vulnerability to sadism-masochism" and "poor health and an early death." He speculates whether those who accept gays even though they are so unhappy or "those who practiced Old Testament capital punishment" on gays are more "cruel and inhuman." He has called the book "a model of compassion." He believes that homosexuality can be cured. However, he says that such conversions are rare.

His wife is equally crazy. I think she runs some kind of organization that is anti-feminist, and also hates gays:
"In a mailing sent to the group's members she wrote that gays and lesbians "want their depraved 'values' to become our children's values. Homosexuals expect society to embrace their immoral way of life. Worse yet, they are looking for new recruits!""

Look, I'm friends with gay people. IN NO WAY are they looking to "recruit" anyone. I have never heard of ANY gay people being like, "Come be gay too! It's fun!" You know? That's so crazy.

Anyway, back to Left Behind.

Hattie is now Carpathia's personal assistant. Carpathia seems to think that he now employs Buck, but I'm not sure why.

I...kind of like Damien. He's...kind of badass. I feel a little nauseated admitting liking anyone and twice in one post is a little much. Anyway, he's getting ready to kill Stonagal, who's some businessman guy. I don't know. Anyway, he's like to Hattie, "Move your chair back, don't want you to get dirty." It's at least a passable attempt at writing a badass character, and I have to give Jenkins that.

So Damien kills Stonagal and Todd-Cothran (another businessman. Or something). Damien then brainwashes everyone into believing that Stonagal took the security guard's gun and killed Todd-Cothran.
"...Jonathan Stonagal told me as recently as at breakfast this morning that he felt personally responsible for two recent deaths in England and that he could no longer live with the guilt."
How was he responsible? For being British?

Anyhoo, Buck isn't affected by Damien's voodoo because he has God on his side! But shit, what's he going to do when they question him? He says nothing and Damien puts words in his mouth. Okay, yeah, THAT WAS LUCKY. So Buck calls Steve, who doesn't remember Buck being in the room when the "suicide" happened. Why would Damien brainwash Steve to think that? It seems pointless.

Uh oh. Bailey demoted Cameron, who now is working for the chick with the sensible shoes in Chicago. Buck won't like that.

And...that's the end. You know, I don't even KNOW if that was more tedious than Twilight. Twilight is my measurement of horrible books, but Left Behind seems to be in a category of its own. I might go look for the second book and/or the movie sometime. But for now I won't be posting as much because of NaNoWriMo.

Left Behind Chapters 7 and 8

CHAPTER 7
Weird word/phrase- Dangedest

Buck gets into the chartered jet and the pilot mentions something about puddle jumpers, because we are now on Atlantis in the Pegasus galaxy. The pilot (Ken) asks Buck what he thinks of the disappearances.

"Funny you should ask," Buck said. "I've got to start working on that in earnest today."
Yes, because there definitely weren't any good interviews to be had from anyone in the airport or any of the rescue teams. Buck is the worst journalist ever.

Ken's talking about aliens:
"They don't even take seriously anything strange within several miles of an airport. That's why you never hear stories of UFOs near O'Hare."
Yes, except for these:
http://news.sky.com/skynews/Home/Sky-News-Archive/Article/200806413559776
http://www.ufo-blogger.com/2008/06/disc-spotted-near-ohare-within-15.html
http://www.flickr.com/photos/chuckcirino/351112882/

This book would be SO much better if it actually was about aliens. Or if there was less of an emphasis on religion (as much as there can be, with an interpretation of Revelations). You know who also kind of wrote about the Rapture? Dean Koontz, in The Taking. The Taking is a fantastic, fantastic book. It describes the world post-disappearances very well and has an atmosphere of eerieness and confusion. It's just great. I'd rather be reading that right now.

Meanwhile, Rayford has no interest in anything except waiting for Chloe to get home. He somehow 100% knows that the Rapture has happened and so is trying to figure out what happened by looking in Irene's Bible.

Rayford was revered, proudly introduced as a 747 captain to newcomers and guests.
I would think he'd be less revered when they find out that he only makes about 25K a year.

Back to Buck. Ken seems to think it's more important to talk about old boxers (the sport, not the underwear) than it is to, oh, I don't know, TALK ABOUT HOW OVER A BILLION PEOPLE DISAPPEARED INTO THIN AIR?

Fortunately, Buck was in great shape.
Phew! I was worried. You know, little known fact: spending lots of time in airplanes and in front of a computer screen= great exercise! You know that all those journalists have washboard abs. Heck, I'm staring at mine right now.

Discussing a plane that went down with no survivors:
"And this was after the disappearances?"
"Just last night. Totally unrelated."
"Wouldn't that have been a kick in the teeth?"
"Indeed."
Rayford, as per usual, shows no emotion whatsoever in the face of human tragedy. Maybe the fact that he is apparently conversing with Teal'c from Stargate SG-1 is rubbing off on him.

CHAPTER 8

Buck and his editor Steve are discussing a presidential election in Romania, because nothing else interesting is going on in the world, obviously.

"People took dirt naps."
"Ooh Steve, you talk just like a mobster."
Ooh, Steve, talk dirty to me!

Methinks Buck is supposed to come off as dashing and cavalier but...he doesn't.

Wtf, Rayford? He comes to the conclusion that "this is the word season of his life." First, DUH. Second, season? As opposed to week? Then he mentions that he's glad his parents died because they were sick. Really? You're going to use the word "glad?" That sounds really, really...unfeeling. Even if my parents had Alzheimer's before, I would be devastated if they both died around the same time! Rayford is a cyborg. I will bet you anything he's a proponent of utilitarian bioethics.

Rayford calls being a pilot a "highly paid" profession. I just saw the new Michael Moore doc and the only part that really stuck is that pilots don't get paid nearly enough. Maybe it was different in '95.

We learn that Irene dropped out of college when she got married, just like good little girls are supposed to.

"...he didn't enjoy having a pregnant wife."
Well, who's fucking fault is that?

We also learn that Rayford stayed away from home as much as possible while Irene was pregnant. WAY TO BE A MAN, ASSHOLE.

Rayford wants Chloe home. Not because he cares about her welfare or because he misses her, but because she would "assuage his grief and pain." Buck is a moron, but Rayford is almost evil.

You guys, here's a joke!
Ozark spelled backward is Krazo.
Ho ho ho! It's funny because Krazo kind of sounds like crazy.

So Hattie calls and Rayford is an ass and then he wonders "How selfish can I be?" showing a rare glimpse of self-awareness that I'm assuming will never rear its head again.

Hattie calls Buck to tell him about how Rayford was an ass and Buck is also an ass, rolling his eyes and saying he can understand Rayford's actions. Would it kill anyone to just show a little sympathy to Hattie?

Maybe Hattie showed more depth and sense when she wasn't under stress.
SERIOUSLY? This from the guy who has made no move to help anyone else? Hattie is the only one in the book so far who has even indicated that she cares about anyone other than herself. l;akdshf;asdhfasdfsd.

Left Behind Chapters 5 and 6

CHAPTER 5

Buck Williams stops to take inventory, because this is suddenly an RPG. He also carries a murse. He has stuff in a special pouch in his jeans IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. Seriously though, is this a money belt? Because those don't generally go inside your jeans. You'll get weird looks whenever you whip it out.

Now Buck is telling us about his overseas laundry methods. NO ONE GIVES A SHIT. Buck continues telling us about things about which we don't give a shit, like the time he scooped some people on a sports story. Yes, you can say that they don't like you because you scooped them, but for God's sake we don't need any more details than that. Oh, and THEN we get shown the conversation the two have about said scooped story. Seriously, Tim and Jerry? We don't get any details about burning wreckage at the airports or the suicidal pilot or the way people feel about the disappearances or the grieving people, but we get enormous detail about A SCOOPED SPORTS STORY THAT HAPPENED A LONG TIME AGO? And then the chick he's talking to goes into an impromptu Jesus speech. Dear God, let's just get back to the "action", such that it is, already.

So Buck's talking about why he was overseas in the first place. We get all this unnecessary detail about following a tip from a conspiracy theorist former classmate blah blah I'm just going to skip it.

I love how all these names are ridiculously manly. Rayford. Buck. Dirk.

"I wish I could say I tried to call you Hattie, but I didn't. This is hard for me."
Well that's comforting. Like it's not hard for Hattie either? Or any of the friggin' BILLIONS OF PEOPLE WHO HAD RELATIVES DISAPPEAR? Rayford is such a prick. Before he was all lusting after Hattie but making her work for it and all of a sudden he's completely cold but Hattie is still worrying about him.

Wtf? This is so mean:
Losing his wife and child made him realize what a vapid relationship he had been pursuing with a twenty-seven-year-old woman. He hardly knew her, and he certainly didn't much care what happened to her family any more than he cared when he heard about a remote tragedy on the news.
What an awful thing to say! Most people care about their coworkers, even if they're not really friends. I know if I was still at the cafe and an acquaintance (we'll say Teneille) came to work all, "OMG! My family disappeared without a trace!" I'd at least be empathetic. It's called BASIC DECENCY.

Here's why I'm confused about Rayford though. He's ostensibly the "protagonist" inasmuch as we see everything through his eyes. But he hasn't been "saved" and so is a "bad person." Am I supposed to relate to him? But then Tim and Jerry are saying that I'm a bad person too. But why would I want to be in the head of such an awful, awful person? (Not awful because he's unsaved, but awful because he's a truly sociopathic human being.) I assume this will not become clear.

Hattie's so stupid. Find someone who actually cares about other people, okay?

Back to Buck. He calls a private pilot who is basically gouging passengers who want to get places. I love how human decency goes out the window just hours after a disaster. Maybe I'm just being idealistic, but I feel it should take longer, or there should be some actually good people out there. We haven't met anyone yet who cares about helping other people, and I think there should be at least a FEW. In the wake of 9/11, there were tons of volunteers, but apparently not when people disappear.

This was written in 1995, and I was only five then. But...should you be allowed to check your voicemail on a phone miles away while you're on a payphone? Somehow I think this shouldn't be possible.

Buck is describing his brother and sister-in-law. They had a tumultuous marriage, but the wife had been "forgiving and conciliatory", which means that she gets a free pass to Heaven! Woo hoo! We also get told that Jeff's children both look like him and are "precious." This is integral to the story.

"This is too strange, isn't it?"
Somehow, that wouldn't be my first reaction. It would be something like, "WHAT THE FUCK BILLIONS DISAPPEARED INTO THING AIR? THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE, IT MUST BE ALIENS WHAT THE FUCK WHERE THE HELL IS EVERYONE?" Buck seems to be talking about like, someone who can shoot milk out of their nose.

Here's what confuses me about the Rapture. The "saved" people go to Heaven, which means they're dead. The people who are "left behind" are still alive. Would you rather be dead or alive? The "desirable" option here seems like it sucks ass.

Buck calls Lucinda and gets her teenage son, who says she's disappeared, and obviously she's in Heaven. I'm reading the Slacktivist articles as I'm doing this recap, and he made the comment that every characters seems to have read the back of the book and they know they're in a Rapture story. This is totally true. Rapture would NOT be my first guess and I probably wouldn't even think of it unless I heard someone talking about it. I'm pretty sure "aliens" would come before "Rapture." Most people who aren't fundies don't even know what the Rapture is.

THIS KID IS SO INSANE. The conversation between him and Buck goes something like this:
Kid: My whole family is gone.
Buck: I'm so sorry!
Kid: That's all right. I know they're in Heaven and I can't say I'm surprised.
Buck: Do you have anyone to take care of you?
Kid: My uncle. And a guy from church.

WHO TALKS LIKE THIS? If my family disappeared and I KNEW for sure they were in Heaven, I would still be freaking out. Because THEY'RE DEAD, plus I'm an orphan now. I can't get money because there are no jobs and there's bound to be looters and criminals around and I can't protect myself. These people are all cyborgs or something. Is this how fundies think? Is this how they would act in a situation like this? Because if so, Jack Chick is even more batshit than I previously thought.

CHAPTER 6

So we learn that Irene disapproved of Rayford drinking and she wanted him to keep it from their son Ray. Growing up, I always knew my dad drank, and it didn't affect me at all. Fundies seem so uptight.

"How does that jibe with your insistence that we be totally truthful?"
I...don't think jibe is the right word. Did no one edit this?

WHAT.
Rayford poured three inches into a wide crystal glass and threw it back like a veteran. That was about as out of character as he could find comfortable. The stuff hit the back of his throat and burned all the way down, giving him a chill that made him shudder and groan.
Have these people done shots before? Granted, I've never done bourbon shots, and maybe they actually make you "shudder and groan", but I've done vodka shots and shuddering and groaning seems like a very extreme reaction. Also, obviously the fact that it was three inches of liquid is integral to the story.

Ha ha, he's also getting a buzz from one shot.

I love how Rayford only loves his wife when she's gone. Yeah, that's sincere.

Shouldn't your first reaction in a disaster be to listen to the radio or watch TV to get more information? Yet Rayford consciously avoids that, further cementing my belief that he is not a real person.

Rayford keeps SAYING that he loves his daughter, but somehow I doubt his conviction. We know how fickle he is about women.

Rayford is a cutthroat father. He talking about how Ray was always too compassionate, always caring about others when Rayford thought he should be looking out for number one. What a great parenting strategy. This is how bullies are made, ladies and gentlemen.

Buck backstory. His family resents him because he went on to an Ivy League school and became super successful when he should have gone into the family business. You know, the usual cliched angst.

Buck's dad tells him that Jeff's (the brother's) kids disappeared, along with everyone else on this retreat and Buck's response is "whew, boy." UNDERSTATEMENT.

Let's talk about the fact that all the children under a certain age (looks to be under 13) disappear. Supposedly, they're innocent and uncorrupted. LIKE HELL. I know PLENTY of kids who are FAR from innocent. What about the bullies? They get to go to Heaven just because they had the good luck to be born a certain year? What about the kid who called me a "shithead" in third grade? He gets to go? That's a dick move. What about friggin' LISA MARIE who's the most batshit kid ever and regularly bit people on the playground? Why does she get to go to Heaven and I don't? What about good people who aren't fundies? Obviously, Catholic people don't get to go because they're THE DEVIL. So that leaves out Mother Theresa, if she were alive at the time of the Rapture. What about Ghandi? He's not a fundie. He goes to Hell? What about Harriet Tubman? She's not a fundie either. So a LIFETIME of doing good doesn't mean shit unless you're a fundamentalist Christian.

Back to assh- I mean Rayford. He reads a piece about Nicolae Carpathia. "Hmm, a surprise move in Romania." Rayford can't bring himself to care about Hattie's family, but he cares about a presidential election in ROMANIA? It's hard news, but whoever wrote it obviously doesn't know what they're doing because they use adjectives to describe him. This is what I've learned in hard news class: BEING CREATIVE IS BAD. Anyone writing hard news would strive to be completely objective.

This book is so batshit.

OMG YOU GUYS

Hey guys! So, a whole sequence of destined events led me to what we're going to talk about today. My sister was visiting and she wanted to go to this place called Labyrinth to look at graphic novels. So we wandered Bloor and Labyrinth was closed so we went to BMV books while we were waiting for our friend, who was going to meet us and we were going to go to a pub. I was just kind of looking at random books and Lindsay went to find a Stephen King book. She couldn't find one so I went to help her and we we were both really tired so we sat on the ground in front of the K's and there were no Stephen King books but I found...
...
...
LEFT BEHIND BOOK 1! I'm pretty excited. I've wanted to read it ever since I read a Chuck Klosterman essay on it and I feel like yesterday was a whole sequence of events that led to me find it. And it was only five bucks, so that was cool. Anyway. Left Behind is a book series about the Rapture and then a group of people who team up to kill the Antichrist. Awesome premise right? Well, from what I've heard, the execution is not that great. For further reading, I recommend: http://exharpazo.blogspot.com/2007/01/index-to-slactivists-left-behind.html
I can't remember the dude's name, but he talks about Left Behind. And I wanted to do Left Behind before I even found his blog, so yeah.

So Left Behind is a religious book, so I feel the need to say this: I consider myself Christian. I believe in God and the devil and all that. I'm not sure if I believe in the second coming and the rapture and everything, but I don't disbelieve it. I don't believe in forcing my beliefs on other people, and I feel fundies give everyone else a bad name. I also feel that God accepts everyone, even if you don't consider yourself Christian. My aim in doing Left Behind is not to make fun of religious beliefs (okay...maybe fundie religious beliefs) but to make fun of literary technique. So here we go.

CHAPTER 1
Anachronistic word/phrase: "Private necking session."

So we start off with pilot Frisky McPorn-name, um, I mean Rayford Steele, thinking about flight attendant Hattie Durham. He likes that she touches his arm when she walks past and that she admires him. Rayford is unhappy at home because his wife is now super-religious. So basically, he's lusting after this chick because she's hot and she admires him. Personality? What's that?

This part's creepy though:
They had spent time together, chatting for hours over drinks or dinner, sometimes with coworkers, sometimes not. He had not returned so much as one brush of a finger, but his eyes had held her gaze and he could only assume that his smile had made his point.
Someone had made the point that Rayford was emotionally manipulating Hattie. Does this whole thing not sound like a dick move? He knows Hattie likes him and he does nothing to return her affection, even though he likes her too. It seems like he's making her work for it, making her emotionally turmoiled so that he feels like he has power. He's also planning on putting a hand on her shoulder, hoping she'll take that to mean that he wants a relationship. Wtf? Who over the age of 15 does such a passive aggressive thing?

Rayford still feels guilty over a "private necking session" at a party 12 years before. NO ONE TALKS LIKE THIS.

Rayford thinks that the reason he is not as religious as his wife is that's he's smarter and more logical. Asshole. Also, to Rayford, wife becoming religious=he is now free to have an affair without guilt. Not seeing the logic there, Ray, but whatever. I'm not too sure who we're supposed to be sympathizing with here.

Enter Cameron "Buck" Williams. He's a world famous super special awesome journalist. One day he went to Israel, and then we have an infodump.

Wtf? So in this flashback or whatever, Buck is talking about interviewing this guy in Israel. This dude had made this special fertilizer that causes the desert to erupt into flowers. I don't know why this is relevant, and the passage goes on for a very long time. It's not pushing the story forward. We don't give a shit about flowers. Why is this here?

Imagine what the formula might do if modified to work on the vast tundra of Russia! Could regions bloom, though snow covered it most of the year?
Yeah, sure. Let's try using this weird-ass formula to make plants grow in a place where they haven't grown in like, ever. I'm sure that will have no effect whatsoever on the environment.

Wait. Wait. Is this in the future? I'm confused. Apparently the whole world uses three different currencies. Why is this relevant? I don't know. Anyway, for some reason, Russia gets mad and launches an attack on Israel. Luckily, Buck is on the scene to cover this amazing event!

To say the Israelis were caught off guard, Cameron Williams had written, would be like saying the Great Wall of China was long.
This is a world famous journalist, ladies and gentlemen. Also, none of that quote is italicized in the book when it definitely should be.

He felt no bravado, no uniqueness.
That comma should be a semicolon. And one can't feel the emotion of uniqueness. Bravado is an emotion. Uniqueness is not. I'm not even sure what the writers were getting at here. So Buck thinks he's going to die and then all of a sudden a firestorm takes out the Russian offense. Deus ex machina, ahoy.

Despite what you tell us, Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins, Ethiopia is not a Middle Eastern country.

Back to Ray. Hattie's flipping out because people have disappeared, leaving their clothes behind.

"Should I turn on the cabin lights?"
"No," he whispered. "The less people know right now, the better."
The FEWER people who know, Rayford. Dammit. Also, I'm pretty sure it won't take people long to figure out that A SHITLOAD OF PEOPLE ARE MISSING. Hattie's hysterical, reminiscent of that chick from Night of the Living Dead that my theatre HATED. Rayford's a big strong man, so he stays calm. Strangely, though, he immediately knows that these people have been taken in the Rapture. That's not the first conclusion I would come to.

CHAPTER 2
HA HA HA HA HA. This old lady asks Buck (who is also on the plane) to go check if her husband is in the bathroom and take a blanket because he's naked and he's really religious so he'll be embarrassed. I don't know what my reaction would be if some old lady was like, "Go find my husband and cover him up because he's naked. He'll be embarrassed." The lady doesn't even seem to find it strange that he has no clothes.

"I was hoping it was something on the plane. Some gas, some malfunction."
Yeah, because I'm sure GAS caused people to disappear. Someone else suggested spontaneous combustion, which is just as moronic.

Buck does something strange with the phone. He hacks into it to get a message to his boss, but the message might be in Morse code or some shit? I really don't know what's going on.

Buck calls the flight attendant "Beautiful Hattie." Really? What? Who does that?

This book is kind of amateurish, and it's kind of like Dan Brown-lite, if you can get lighter than Dan Brown. So far, no redonk fundie philosophy, so that's good I guess. We'll see tomorrow.

The Host Redux Chapters 55 to THE END OMG YAY

Chapter 55
Attached

The little face, pale under the deep tan of her skin, peeped around Kyle's elbow again with a
swish of long, curly black hair.
Excuse me? How can she be pale and tan at the same time?

“Kyle's got a guest, and you're scarin' the snot out of her, people."
Ha ha, I love how Smeyer's worked herself up to saying "hell" and "damn" but she still can't bring herself to say "shit."

So, the girl that Kyle brought back is terrified and she's clinging to Kyle because she can't function by herself, much like every single female in every single book written by Smeyer.

“Probably ought to git along to Doc,” Jeb continued with a sigh, giving the frightened little
woman a wistful glance. I guessed he was sad to be missing out on new stories.
Or he's just sad cuz he doesn't get to fuck her.

Side note: I'm watching Golden Girls and Blanche's prof said he'd pass her in the class if she slept with him. The BEST part is that the prof is played by Deep Throat from The X-Files! Lmao. I think of him in X-Files and then I think of the skeezy guy he plays in this episode, and I laugh.

"Sunny was in Jodi's old room, alone. I snuck in after they'd all been asleep
for hours. I yanked Sunny up, threw her over my shoulder, and jumped out the window. I
thought she was going to start screaming, so I was really booking it back to the jeep."
The mental images here are amazing. Can you IMAGINE if some big guy broke into your room, threw you over his shoulder, and then just fucking RAN? He's like a Cro-Magnon.

Chapter 56
Welded

Wanderer lets it slip that she has to leave and Ian freaks the fuck out.

Ian, tired of waiting, grabbed my arm and hauled me up from the floor. When Sunny seemed
like she was coming along, too, still joined to my side, Ian shook me until she fell off.
Yes, those big strong men. They are so attractive.

“C'mon,” Ian snarled, dragging me away from them without a backward glance.
“Ian –”
He wrenched me roughly along, making it impossible for me to speak. That was fine. I had no
idea what to say.
Yeesh, this pisses me off. Never mind that he had a complete personality transplant (BAD WRITING) but this is abuse, ANY WAY YOU SLICE IT.

“Did you know about this?” Ian shouted back, shoving me toward Jared and shaking me at
him.
What? I am completely unable to visualize what is going on here. I thought he just pushed her over to Jared, but then he's shaking her? I imagine this going down like a dog shaking a chew toy. This is so bizarre.

“Ian, stop,” I begged.
“You stop,” he growled back at me.
This reminds me of something funny. I was watching Twilight with Rifftrax, and after Edward saves Bella from the gang she's like, "you should put your seatbelt on" and he's like, "Ha ha ha, why don't YOU put your seatbelt on!" and Kevin Murphy goes, in this exaggerated teenage voice, "Ha ha ha ha ha, no YOU put your seatbelt on! Ha ha ha ha, no YOU!"

It was then that I began to feel the throbbing from Ian's grip. His hand was tight as a tourniquet around my upper arm, his long fingers making the circle easily and then overlapping. My hand was going numb.
I'm not even kidding. This is definitely abuse. There is NO WAY you can rationalize this.

“You. Are. Not. Leaving. Me.” His eyes blazed–burning brighter than I had ever seen them,
blue flames.
THIS! IS! SPARTA!

“Ian, please. Don't feel this way. Don't. I'm so sorry. Please.”
I was crying, too, shaking, too, though that might have been him shaking me.
“You can't leave.”
“I have to, I have to,” I sobbed.
And then we cried wordlessly for a long time.
That was the worst segue I have ever seen in my life.

“Sorry,” he whispered. “I was mean.”
No shit, you jackass, although "mean" is not the word I was thinking of. He's mean in the way Ted Bundy was mean.

With Ian it was different, so very different, because Melanie didn't love him the way I did. So
when he touched me, it was deeper and slower than the wildfire, like the flow of molten rock far beneath the surface of the earth. Too deep to feel the heat of it, but it moved inexorably,
changing the very foundations of the world with its advance.
Argh, this is SO PURPLE. I'm actually cringing right now because it is SO BAD.

And I started to cry again, realizing that it must be changing him, too, this man who was kind
enough to be a soul but strong as only a human could be.
Argh, STOP STARTING YOUR SENTENCES WITH "AND".

Ian randomly decides to hold a tribunal.

Chapter 57
Completed

Nothing really happened here. They tried to get Jodi to wake up, nothing was decided in the tribunal, more mushy Ian/Wanderer stuff and blah blah blah blah.

Chapter 58
Finished

Gasoline and an open flame–we exploded again.
"And you exploded. Yeah. That was kind of weird." Also, please explain to me how "exploding" is romantic imagery?

“Eustace. It's a family name, and my parents were cruel people.”
Noooo! GodDAMMIT. Now whenever I read The Silver Chair (my FAVOURITE Narnia book) I will think of this book.

Anyway, Wanderer goes to be removed.

Chapter 59
Remembered

I believe there are some pretty good lulz coming up. Good thing too, because these last few chapters have been pretty lacklustre.

She's a new neighbor–how nice. I love new friends.
These are the most inane two sentences I have ever read in my life.

“Of course! Come with me. I'm Petals Open to the Moon, but my family mostly calls me Pet."
Ugh, SO cutesy. I want to toss my cookies.

His hand swings toward my face, and I gasp. I suck in the mist that comes from his hand. A
silver cloud that tastes like raspberries.
LOL WUT. What is happening? WHAT IS GOING ON IT'S AN ACID FLASHBACK!

The setting of the memory threw me off for a moment because I wasn't used to so much
civilization–at the same time, I knew nothingbut civilization. A pretty dresser with all kinds of
frilly and delicate things on top of it. A profusion of dainty glass bottles containing the scents I
loved–I loved? Or she loved?–so much. A potted orchid. A set of silver combs.
Here's what I imagine her new host body being. I imagine her being a ten year old spoiled little brat, like the kid from that Shirley Temple movie with all the pilots. This kid also lives in the Victorian age. I mean, this is supposed to be a modern girl, presumably, but she has a set of silver combs? I mean, what?

This is another of my favourite parts!
“But still older. I'm almost –” And then I stopped, changing my sentence abruptly. “My
birthday is in two weeks.”
I might have been disoriented and confused, but I wasn't stupid. Melanie's experiences had not
gone to waste; I had learned from them. Ian was every bit as honorable as Jared, and I was not going to go through the frustration Melanie had.
So I lied, giving myself an extra year. “I'll be eighteen.”
She LIED ABOUT HER AGE SO HE COULD FUCK HER. Oh man, Smeyer is dropping to NEW DEPTHS.

“Jodi? What happened to Jodi?” I chirped, my little voice going higher, like a bird's, with
anxiety.
Birds don't have voices. Also, this reminds me of one of my FAVOURITE stories. There's this girl named Kerri who I went to school with. She was the most annoying and stupid person EVER. I'm not even lying to you. Anyway, we had to present these book reviews to the class, and she was reviewing some book about ghosts. You know how your voice gets higher when you ask a question? She asked this really really long question, and her voice kept getting SO HIGH. The question was something like, "Can Billy escape from the church before he faints from loss of blood and will he ever figure out what the ghosts are blah blah blah blah?" and her voice was so high by the end. Heidi and I were looking at each other and trying so hard not to laugh. Good times. I mean, who does that? Everyone waits until the end of the question to get higher, EXCEPT APPARENTLY KERRI.

Epilogue
People touched my cheeks often, or put their fingers under my chin, holding my face up to see it better. I was frequently patted on my head (which was in easy reach, since I was shorter than everyone but the children), and my hair was stroked so regularly that I stopped noticing when it happened.
Who does that? She's sixteen. No one strokes my hair except my mom. PERFECT STRANGERS do not do this. When was the last time Smeyer went outside?

Ew. So we have Pet and now the Healer's name is Candy?

This epilogue is long enough to be a chapter in itself.

Ian asks Melanie to have sex with him in the most roundabout way possible and it honestly takes like a page to show this whole conversation.

And then he kissed me in the most unplatonic way possible under the crowded circumstances,
and I was thrilled to remember that I'd been smart enough to lie about my age.
That's nutso, and that is all I'm going to say about that.

And they find another group of colonists, who also have their own friendly soul and it's a happy ending as per usual the end.

The Host Redux Chapters 53 and 54

Chapter 53
Condemned

Lacey is the name of the Seeker's host. Turns out that the Seeker could still hear Lacey but kept it a secret. Oh also, hilariously, she...well, see for yourself:
"She was jealous of you; isn't that pathetic? She wanted to be strong like you."
HA HA HA HA HA HA SHE'S JEALOUS BECAUSE WANDERER'S STRONG! What planet do these people live on?

Jeb stroked his gun more than usual.
Lmao. This is my FAVOURITE sexual innuendo of the whole thing.

They go on a raid to send the Seeker to another planet. Nothing happens. No one gets suspicious. All in all, a completely useless sequence. As per usual.

“It's my house. Anyone who can't abide by this agreement will have to get out.”
I bet the Dude will abide.

Chapter 54
Forgotten

So, they kidnapped two healers and tried to extract the parasites. The dude died and the girl can't remember who she is.

Forty-five, maybe a little younger, maybe a little older.
So she's either forty five, younger than that, or older than that.

These chapters were boring.

The Host Redux Chapters 49-52

Chapter 49
Interrogated

I'm really hungry right now. This may make me more cranky.

I don't remember Wes dying the last time I read this. I remember him having a way bigger part. Maybe my mind was making unconscious alterations to the story so that it wasn't as painful. Kind of like when Maria changes the endings of books, like at the end of the Guardian when she pretended that the dog lived.

Blah blah self-loathing blah guilt blah blah blah.

The Seeker was alive; the Seeker was here.
Whoa, deja vu!
But Jared's alive, Jared's here,she crooned.
So, does Smeyer just have a list of words and phrases she can use in her novels? Like, chagrin, topaz, and chuckle would be on the list, as well as phrases like "smooth as marble" "skin was cold", etc. Apparently, also on this list is "______is alive, ______ is here."

Here's how little I am into this book, other than the fact that I just about typed "movie." I had to go back to page 120 to find that second quote, and I just kept recapping from there. I didn't even notice I wasn't in the right place until right now.

So anyway, they captured the Seeker with no effort and are keeping her with no effort.

His face was expressionless, the blank facade that meant he was in the grip of some strong emotion. His poker face.
Him and Lady Ga Ga both. P-p-p-poker face p-p-poker face.

“They're ready to be done with guard duty. It's a hard time."
I'm sure it is. They sit there and point a gun at her. So friggin' difficult.

I'd never traced along the outside wall. It was uneven, with jutting
rocks that would leave bruises and cause me to trip. Staying on the inside was a shorter walk
anyway.
And these facts are integral to this story.

“I didn't know humans had the patience to starve someone to death. That seems like too
complex a plan for you shortsighted creatures to grasp.”
Huh? Sitting back and not feeding someone is complex?

“Careful,” Aaron cautioned. “She's an angry little thing.”
There's all this talk about how small the Seeker is. I imagine her looking like Kylie Minogue.

Chapter 50
Sacrificed

It takes like five pages of vague and ambiguous statements to finally get this across, but Wanderer is going to give the humans the secret of how to get the soul out. Why didn't she mention this before? She would rather that Doc kept going and killing both humans and souls? Oh, duh, because she didn't want to die. Never mind.

This chapter is seriously so boring. NOTHING is happening.

His long face was gentle, the opposite of alarming.
Why didn't she just stop that sentence at "gentle"?

Chapter 51
Prepared

"Be prepaaaaaaaaared!"

“What do you need me to do?” Jared asked.
“I'm making a raid. I could use some… extra muscle.”
"And God knows you're not good for anything else!"

The Seeker didn't seem to be as… what was the word
Jared had used?Altruistic. As altruistic as the rest of us.
No shit. Are you seriously just noticing this now?

To my shock, Jared came to lie beside me,right beside me. He curled around the curve of my back.
Whoa. They're spooning. When did they become that cozy? Did I miss a chapter? How incredibly awkward would that be if he got a boner just then? These are the questions on my mind.

Wanderer tells the story about how she had to do the soul extraction surgery. It should be thrilling but it's not. On the ice sculpting bear planet, she and another bear were out for a walk or something and a claw beast attacked the bear and half-killed it and Wanderer extracted the soul and then the bear died. Then I think she puts the soul in the claw beast, somehow. This is from memory. I'm not actually reading that part. But who cares? It's not like it's plot-relevant.

But I couldn't stand to let him die inside the broken half of his Bear host.
So, the top half was broken but the bottom half was A-Ok? I didn't know you could make that distinction when you cut someone in half.

So, as she's doing this surgery, what in the world is the claw beast doing? Just sitting back politely for her to finish? This claw beast is like the ninjas in generic action movies. If there's a group of ninjas (or any kind of antagonist) and they're fighting one person, they will politely attack the hero one by one, thus allowing him to pick them off one by one. Or, more likely, Smeyer just forgot what the hell was happening in the scene.

“He was still alive. I barely paused to ascertain this. I shoved him into the egg pocket in the
center of my body, between the two hottest hearts."
This is giving me Empire Strikes Back flashbacks. Remember when Han Solo stuffs Luke into the Tauntaun to protect him from the cold? Yeah. You know what else I imagine as I read about these claw beasts? There's this movie that's shown every Christmas, called Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. There's one part where Rudolph is being attacked by a yeti. I imagine the claw beasts looking a lot like that. I also imagine the yeti when I watch Empire Strikes Back, so this part of The Host is like a mishmash of a really good movie, a semi-passable movie, and then the horrible reality of the novel.

“I made it to the beast's back and ran up the double spine, digging in with my knives so that it
couldn't shake me off."
Yeah, that's a great idea. Give the thing an irreversible spinal cord injury before inserting the parasite. Now the soul not only lost its original host, but got a crippled one right after!

My ice cutters were only… about as long as your forearm, maybe. The claw beast's hide
was twice as thick.
I'm having a hard time imagining this claw beast. She said it was as big as a blue whale so I don't know, I imagine it as looking kind of like a ginormous Wampa with fins. Its skin is about as thick as my whole arm though. How can that stupid thing feel ANYTHING? I'm also having a really hard time imagining the ice sculpting bears. I imagine them as bears with arms like the T-1000 when he turns them into like, twin katanas.

Chapter 52
Separated

It seems like these people do a lot of crowing. Maybe they're birds, and that's the plot twist.

Smeyer just cuts out the WHOLE raid after Wanderer's lame story. It's kind of jarring.

Love you too, Mel. But there's not room for the both of us here. In this body, in this cave, in
their lives…
I disagree.
Ha, she sounds exactly like my old Social Studies teacher. Whenever we answered a question and it was wrong, he would be like, "I disagree." I'm not sure if Smeyer meant Mel to sound like a sixty year old teacher.

I thought of those burning kisses in the hall…thought of other kisses and other nights in her memory.
Oh come on. Everyone reading this knows that everyone (except Lucina, I guess, since she had a baby) is a virgin.

So, the big secret is to cut along the scar where the soul was inserted and lift it up with a fingertip? I'm...not getting why this was so enigmatic. Wouldn't that be the first thing Doc tried?

The Host Redux Chapters 47 and 48

Chapter 47
Employed

Another reason he [Pedobear] was good at this life–he saw priorities uncontaminated by personal desire.
He sounds like a Dalek. "Exterminate....EXTERMINATE!"

“Hi there. New in town?”
“Yes. Brand-new.”
“What brings you to Byers?”
"Well, Langly was being kind of a jerk, saying his kung fu was better than mine, and Frohike was hacking into the DoD again."

On the television screen, two souls were speaking their lines clearly, their bodies held with
perfect posture. It wasn't hard to pick up what was happening in the story because there wasn't a lot of variety in the scripts souls wrote. In this one, two souls were reconnecting after a long separation. The male's stint with the See Weeds had come between them, but he'd chosen to be human because he guessed his partner from the Mists Planet would be drawn to these warm-blooded hosts. And, miracle of miracles, he'd found her here.
They all had happy endings.
Lmao. Does this sound familiar? It's like every single Smeyer novel ever. She writes this example for maximum ridiculousness, but she doesn't realize that all her books are like that. She's the least self-aware person I know of.

Anyhoo, everyone's driving home and a cop car comes up behind them. Oh no, will our intrepid heroes defeat the cop and continue back home with little to no effort? I can't wait to find out!

Chapter 48
Detained

The red and blue lights swirled in time with the siren's cry.
Good story that I completely forgot about. Danielle's mom was driving Danielle, Stacey, and I believe Nicole home. They saw these lights behind the car and Danielle and Nicole were like, "It's a UFO! Omg it's a UFO!" and they're both freaking out. Then Stacey's like, "um, you guys, it's just a cop car."

Chagrin. I could do chagrin. I could feel it now.
No other author has ever made me hate a word with such vociferousness.

Yup, just a few lies, and the Seeker goes away with no problem. Well, that was very thrilling.

Also, the Seekers killed Wes. No one cares.

The Host Redux Chapters 45 and 46

Chapter 45
Succeeded

I should be filling a Calling somewhere, whether teaching at a university or serving food in a restaurant. A peaceful, easy life contributing to a greater good.
So...this is Communist propaganda now?

Had she noticed that my pack, once flat, was now bulging?
Heh. That's what SHE said.

They get the medicine with absolutely no trouble at all and then heal Jamie with absolutely no trouble the end.

Chapter 46
Encircled

“You should have seen her,” Jared said. “She was incredible.”
Incredible? She drove to a hospital, got healed, and then stole some medicine. No one was suspicious. No on asked questions. It was as easy as going to the grocery store.

“It was very easy. I'm a bugger, too, after all.”
No you aren't. You know why? Because the Formics were way way way MORE AWESOME and I wish I was reading Ender's Game right now.

I was really flying high now.
That would be the acid.

“You should have seen her,” Jared repeated in a low voice, still stroking my arm.
Ian's fingers brushed across my cheek.
So she's sitting there with one guy stroking her arm and another guy stroking her cheek, like the goddamn Queen of Sheba or something. Smeyer, keep your wish fulfillment to a minimum PLEASE. I can't take much more.

Those remaining slouched down where we were as room became available. Gradually, we
melted in place until we were horizontal. My head ended up pillowed on Jared's stomach; his
hand stroked my hair now and then. Jamie's face was against my chest, and his arms were
around my neck. One of my arms wrapped around his shoulders. Ian's head was cushioned on
my stomach, and he held my other hand to his face. I could feel Doc's long leg stretched beside
mine, his shoe by my hip. Doc was asleep–I could hear him snoring. I may have even been
touching Kyle somewhere.
It's ORGY TIME.

“She's not going out again,” Ian answered, his body tensing. I brushed my hand against his face, trying to soothe him.
“Of course not,” I murmured to him. “I don't have to go anywhere unless I'm needed. I don't
mind staying in here.”
If you imagine that this is a novel about an abusive husband and his submissive wife (not much of a stretch) then this sequence fits right in. I'm cringing inside right now. I'm not even kidding. This makes me so uncomfortable.

“She's a person, Jared, not a tool.”
I'm not so sure about that.

The Host Redux Chapters 39-44

Chapter 39
Worried

So let's review. Ian likes Wanderer. Pedobear fucking HATES Wanderer and wants to kill her until he realizes Ian likes her. Now he's jealous and wants her all to himself. DOES THAT SOUND HEALTHY?

Before, Ian was bland (like all Smeyer characters) but also semi-likeable. I'll admit it. I didn't hate him. Now she attempts to make him "charmingly flirtatious" but only manages to achieve "creepily manic". Does she consciously try to change her characters' personalities halfway through a novel? What am I saying, of course it's just bad writing.

Wanderer's eating lunch and Ian is sitting by her, "flirting" with her and he's like, trying to force her to like him or whatever. Wasn't it just last chapter that he was like, "It's okay if you don't like me right now. I'll give you time to think about it"? Wtf?

Jamie's constant state of euphoria
Also known as mania. This, along with Ian's complete personality change (dissociative identity disorder?), and Wanderer's extreme low self-esteem brings the total count of Smeyer characters with some kind of undiagnosed mental disorder up to...six.

Pedobear keeps going on these raids, and even Jamie went to one. Ian doesn't. At all. What, is he too scared?

“I thought they were going to be back today,” I challenged.
How is that a challenge? It's a statement. A protest, maybe. Not a challenge.

Ian tricks Wanderer into playing soccer. He's so crafty and fun-loving!

“Do you know the rules?” Lily asked me.
Um, it's not like they're that hard. I hate sports and soccer was pretty much the only one I could play. You kick the ball into a net and don't touch it with your hands. I said soccer was the only sport I could play, but I sure wasn't good at it. In gym class, I tried to do as little as possible. Soccer was great because my strategy was this: stand in front of the net (I called this "playing defense") and just kick the ball as far away as possible. I fucking RULED at kicking the ball as far away as possible. Side note: one of my favourite gym moments was during lacrosse. Heidi and I didn't want to play so we invented this game where we pretended to fence and if she hit my arm, I had to play without an arm, and if she hit my leg, I had to play without a leg, etc. If someone won, they had to have a handicap, which I believe was closing one eye. No one appeared to notice us until the ball hit my foot. It seemed like EVERYONE was staring at us, waiting for us to do something with the ball. I was slightly embarrassed, kicked the ball away, and then continued sword fighting. Good times.

Lily called the game when we hit twenty-one.
Does...Smeyer know how soccer works? You play 21 in BASKETBALL. That's the one with the basket and the ball. Soccer games never go past like, five goals.

I always thought of Wes as being like, 40, but I think he's 19, right? Or maybe that's another tertiary character we don't care about. I'm not sure how old Lily is. She says she's too old for Wes. I imagine her being like, a 40 year old cougar. Side note: I saw a cougar at the mall. She was like 35 and was wearing tight jeans, boots, and an orange tube top with fishnet over top. I saw her in Le Chateau and Lindsay and I were laughing about it, then I was waiting for Lindsay on a bench and I saw the cougar AGAIN and then when we went on the escalator I saw her AGAIN. I think she was stalking me.

“Tired?” he asked, the innocence in his tone a bit overdone. Being funny. He stretched. “I think
I'm ready for bed myself.” He leered in a melodramatic way.
WHERE DOES THIS COME FROM? He's like a completely different person. He's supposed to be the gentlemanly, kind, protective guy but now he's turned into the overly-forward jokingly flirtatious guy. This is not character development. This is character multiple personality disorder.

Chapter 40
Horrified

So why is Doc getting drunk all the time? No, he's not trying to drink to forget that he's in this book. He's doing surgery on humans to try to remove the souls. Wanderer sees and she flips out.

“She's hysterical,” Doc told him. “Hold on.”
A sharp, stinging blow whipped across my face.
Apparently the last time Smeyer learned first-aid was in the Victorian age. Do people do this anymore?

“Yes. If you or I had walked in on a human vivisection, with torn body parts, with blood
splattered on everything, it wouldn't have been as bad for us as it was for her.
The last (and first) time I saw the word "vivisection" was in The Island of Dr. Moreau, which was made in either the late 19th or early 20th century. I believe now it's called either "surgery" or "autopsy." Or is it necropsy? They aren't human, after all. Huh.

And it wouldn't be a Smeyer novel without the female lead going catatonic! Wanderer flips out and runs into the tunnels.

Chapter 41
Vanished

Turns out Jamie has an infection. Wanderer can't find Melanie and she asks Ian to kiss her.

Chapter 42
Forced

With a title like that, this sounds like a GREAT chapter.

Anyway, the kiss with Ian doesn't bring Melanie back so now Wanderer has to kiss Pedobear. Good GOD, Smeyer, there's wish fulfillment and then there's this. No one who has a brain wants to read your fantasies.

“I lost Melanie,” I whispered.
“Youlost her!”
I nodded miserably.
His voice was hard and angry. “How?”
Okay Pedobear, I don't like her either, but it's hardly her fault that Melanie decided to disappear.

One hand continued, as I knew it would, down my arm to my wrist, leaving a trail of fire
behind it. The other cupped beneath my jaw, as I knew it must, and pulled my face up.
You guys, I can hardly continue. This is just SO HOT. I feel so invested in their love right now.

His lips tasted every inch of my face.
Ha ha, I imagine this being like that one episode of 6teen. Caitlin went out with this guy who was a really bad kisser. He like, licked her face and drooled everywhere. This is the mental image that I get.

My legs wrapped around his waist, the wall giving me the leverage I needed.
Whoa, are they fucking? Also, is Ian watching this? Remember, voyeurism is A-OK, kids!

His gold-flecked eyes were open, too, half an inch away.
My sister has eyes like this, except it's less golden than brown. It's just one brown spot on her eye. I told her it was because she was full of shit.

“I'm warning you, Mel,” Jared said, still smiling widely. Teasing. “You better stay right here.
I'm not making any guarantees about what I will or won't do to get you back.”
So...he's planning on raping her?

Chapter 43
Frenzied

"Trying solves nothing."
Good to know that Yoda is a fount of knowledge even after the end of the world.

“Patient, isn't it?” Kyle spit.
SPIT IS NOT THE PAST TENSE OF SPIT.

“If… we can get… to the jeep… we'll be in… the clear.
“If we… can't?” I asked.
“They catch us… they'll kill you. Ian's… right about… that part.”
“Going to… take off the blindfold. You'll be… faster.”
The tragic stroke that affected Ian a few chapters ago now seems to have spread.
Also, OH GAWD, FLASHBACKS OF JOHN RINGO'S GHOST!

As the fabric fell away from my eyes, I focused them only on the ground at my feet.
It made a world of difference.
So, taking off a blindfold makes a world of difference? Huh. This is groundbreaking stuff.

Pedobear and Wanderer are going on a journey to get medicine for a sick Jamie. So...this is a remake of Balto, then?

Chapter 44
Healed

Wanderer has to get into the hospital so she makes Pedobear hit her with a rock. Smeyer's head must be a strange place, full of S&M fantasies and Stockholm Syndrome.

“Ahh,” he gasped, sickened. “I took half your face off. I'm so sorry.”
"On the bright side, now you can get work as a Batman villain!"

I took the ugly knife. It had a heavy handle and was very sharp; it came to a tapered point at the tip.
Kinda like, you know, every single other knife in existence.

The Healer was a young woman. Her hair, skin, and eyes were all a similar shade of light
brown. It made her unusual looking–monochromatic. She wore tan scrubs that only added to
that impression.
So this must be the female Edward. Or is Edward the female Edward?

The room was familiar. I'd been in only one place like this, but Melanie's childhood was full of
such memories.
Such were the trials of the life of an abused child.

All the medicine has names like "clean" "inside clean" "smooth" "heal" "no pain" and "seal." Wanderer was adamant that she had to have a wound just like Jamie's so the doctors would inadvertantly tell her what to get, but with expository names like that, how is that even necessary?

The Host Redux Chapters 35-38

Chapter 35
Tried

Ian and Wanderer bond for like five pages. It's boring.

Kyle's having a tribunal. They argue. Kyle gets to live but he'll die if he tries again. This chapter could have been a lot shorter.

Chapter 36
Believed

“Jared got a new ball?” someone asked.
Pedobear, that's not going to make you any more brave.

Jared had a shiny new soccer ball in his
hand; he held it out, and Isaiah, the older child, jumped up and down trying to knock it from his hand.
This reminds me of a funny story. Last year I was in a class called rock band, which was a music class where you played rock/pop songs. We played a concert at an elementary school and a bunch of kids where talking to the drummer (whose name I, weirdly, can't recall right now, so I will refer to him as My Bro. He's not actually my brother, but we're friends and we fist bump each other). One of the kids jumped up and grabbed his drumstick and fucking RAN. My Bro shrugged and gave away the other drumstick, and then minutes later we heard an announcement saying "Whoever took a drum stick, please bring it back to the rock band in the gym." It was funny.

I was able to get onto all fours, and then I pulled my good leg forward so I was kneeling on the bad. It hurt.
No shit, you dumbass. This reminds me of the best birthday party ever. I was at Katherine's house and Kat, Maria, and I were sleeping on the hideabed. Kat's brother came in to watch Pokemon and then after he was like, "what do you want to watch?" and I was joking and I was like, "oh, Barney" so Mar, Michael, and I watched Barney. This one kid was talking about how he got stung by a bee and he was like, "Yesterday, I got stung by a bee. It hurt." But he said it in this completely deadpan voice like he didn't care. It was so funny. Side note: At the same birthday, Michael threw the remote to me and it hit the sleeping Kat. She farted SO LOUDLY when it hit her. It was hilarious. We all started laughing but she never woke up. That was like ten years ago and Mar still remembers it.

Anyhoo. Pedobear helps Wanderer because she's like falling over or whatever and then they bond. I guess at this point we're supposed to think that Pedobear is a sweet guy, but I still think he's loathesome.

“I can see that.” He touched my battered face with one fingertip. “Sorry.”
“No. Anyone would do the same. I know what you must have felt.”
"I'm sorry I made you hit me, sweetie!"

Kyle says he won't kill Wanderer because she saved his life.

Chapter 37
Wanted

“Ah…” I frowned. “I don't really know. I suppose there's still a mat by the ho–
That would be Lucina, that slut.

Oh, the testosterone is choking me:
And then a strong arm was under my arms, supporting my weight.
“I'll get her where she needs to go,” Ian said.
Jared's face was careful, the way he looked at me when he didn't want me to know what he
was thinking. But he was looking at Ian now.
“We were just discussing where exactly that would be. She's tired. Maybe the hospital… ?”
I shook my head at the same time Ian did. After the past horrible days spent there, I didn't think
I could bear the room I'd once misguidedly feared. Especially Walter's empty bed…
“I've got a better place for her,” Ian said. “Those cots aren't much softer than rock, and she's
got a lot of sore spots.”
Jared still held my hand. Did he realize how tightly he was gripping it? The pressure was
starting to get uncomfortable, but he didn't seem aware. And I certainly wasn't going to
complain.
“Why don't you get lunch?” Jared suggested to Ian. “You look hungry. I'll take her wherever
you had planned… ?”
Ian chuckled, a low, dark sound. “I'm fine. And honestly, Jared, Wanda needs a bit more help
than a hand. I don't know if you're… comfortable enough with the situation to give her that.
You see –”
Ian paused to lean down and pull me quickly up into his arms. I gasped as the movement
tugged at my side. Jared didn't free my hand. My fingertips were turning red.
“–she's actually had enough exercise for one day, I think. You go on ahead to the kitchen.”
Oh, here's an idea. Why don't you ask Wanderer where she wants to go?

And, the dumbest sequence in this book (yes, it beats out the ice sculpting bears)
They stared at each other while my fingertips turned purple.
“I can carry her,” Jared finally said in a low voice.
“Can you?” Ian challenged. He held me out, away from his body.
An offer.
An OFFER? Are you shitting me? SHE'S A SENTIENT BEING, not a goddamn vase.

“The girl in there…” Jared said slowly.
“Yes?”
“That body doesn't belong to her.”
“Your point?”
Jared's voice was hard when he answered. “Keep your hands off it.”
Or, you could ask the GIRL what she wants. Shocking concept, I know.

“No, you fool, Wanda!”
You fool! Ian gets jealous because Pedobear implies that he kissed Wanderer/Melanie.

Chapter 38
Touched

Now they're having this completely academic and logic-driven discussion about their feelings about each other. Somehow, I think it should be different.

He pressed them only lightly to mine, and then brushed them back and forth across my mouth.
Lmfao, I'm not sure that's how kissing works. I imagine this as being like an Eskimo kiss but with lips.

Oh ho, so Pedobear is trying to get Wanderer to move back in with him and Jamie. HOW TRICKY.

The Host Redux Chapters 33 and 34

Chapter 33
Doubt

So we're still in the middle of the utterly thrilling fight scene going on in the bathhouse. Currently, she is trying to save Kyle from a hole or something and then Ian runs in and saves her, because Wanderer is incapable of doing anything by herself.

“Don't let go,” he cautioned.
Thanks for the great advice, Ian. I'm SURE she never would have thought of that!

“What… the hell… happened?”
"Having...stroke...can't form...coherent...sentences."

So basically now, Ian is all "Kyle tried to kill you! I can kill him!" and Wanderer's all, "But he is human. I don't belong here! I am worthless and you are all stronger than me blah blah blah."

Would that first dose of painkiller wear off soon?
Hasn't it been like 24 hours? I'm pretty sure it's worn off.

Ian kisses Wanderer on the forehead. THIS IS ALMOST TOO HOT TO HANDLE.

Chapter 34
Buried

Pedobear bitchslaps Kyle, and then I believe we have the first genuinely funny part of this book. It really pains me to say that, but I believe I have to give credit where credit is due:
“Um,” Doc said in a mild voice, “medically speaking, I'm not sure that was the most helpful
thing for his condition.”
“But I feel better,” Jared answered, sullen.

That stopped him short. I felt almost smug.
As you should,Melanie approved.He's wrong, and he's being a pig about it.
Thank you.
We girls have to stick together.
That's so lame.

Now Wanderer is explaining how the Souls reproduce. I love when Smeyer pretends she knows how science works. Basically, there are a bunch of sexless souls and then a mother (so basically like Consider Her Ways by John Wyndham. Way to rip off more sci-fi, Smeyer) who I think like, splits into a thousand pieces to reproduce. She compares it to bees. But with bees, someone has to mate with the female. How does Wanderer reproduce? I guess there's asexual reproduction, but she identifies as female. I don't know. Anyway, when the Mother reproduces, each of the new souls has a bit of the mother's memory, like a collective memory or something.

“I wonder what the evolutionary track would be… to produce a hive society with suiciding queens.…”
SuicidAL queens, you dumb shit. Suiciding isn't a word.

“That's just great,” someone said under his breath. “We've got a bloody queen mother alien
living with us. She could blow into a million new buggers at any moment.”
Smeyer. Dude. The buggers are from Ender's Game. We've gone through this already. Stealing from better sci-fi won't make this better.

Doc hushed the men who began to protest. “Wanda's given up sleep and peace to help him
through the pain. Her hands are bruised from holding his. What have you done for him?”
How hard could a man ravaged by the last stages of cancer really hold her hand? Not hard enough to bruise, I'll tell you that.

“He'll find his Gladys now. He's happier where he is.”
"He'll find his GLaDOS now. He's happier where he is, at Aperture Science. Now if he could only figure out the Companion Cube..."

Troll 2 Commentary

I believe it's time for another movie commentary! Joining the hallowed ranks of Body Rock, Twilight, and Labyrinth comes Troll 2, an obscure little movie featuring absolutely no trolls. Made in either 1988 (according to thepiratebay.com), 1990 (according to Wikipedia), or 1992 (according to rottentomatoes.com) the movie was named after the first Troll movie in order to hijack their fans. So without further ado, here is Troll 2.

So it starts with what sounds like an old Native man talking about some guy named Peter, who is inexplicably dressed like a cross between Samwise Gamgee and Peter Pan. The old man is telling us about mischeivous and evil goblins (not trolls). Also, it's not a Native guy. But it sounds like it. The old man is telling this story to his grandson, who sounds like he keeps forgetting his lines mid-sentence. Cue the awesome 80's music! It can't touch Labyrinth in the soundtrack department, but it's still pretty awesome in a hilarious way.

Peter getes knocked out by the goblins and he sees a girl who for whatever reason has freckles painted onto her face. No seriously. PAINTED ON. The girl gives him some green stuff that looks like icing and according to old man, "Peter ate and drank" but as far as I can see, he's only consuming the green stuff, and not a separate food and drink. But I guess it has the consistency of pudding, so it can count as eating AND drinking? Who knows.

Holy crap, fourth wall breakage!

The old dude (grandpa Seth) is still talking about the goblins. The goblins can transform into humans (SPOILER the girl is a goblin). Apparently the goblins still live among us. Peter starts transforming into something green, which, according to Grandpa Seth, is the colour of sap. As far as I can tell, sap is brown.

The way this kid is talking, it's like a bad grade school play. He's even a bad actor by kid standards.

OH HO GRANDPA SETH DOESN'T ACTUALLY EXIST. He's been dead for six months.

This kid's mom is SCARY looking. The 80's must have been a terrible time. The mom also can't act and sounds like she's reading off of cue cards. The writing in this movie is also terrible ALREADY and I'm only like three minutes in. Who actually says shit like, "You must banish him from your mind"? Do these writers even know how people speak?

Whoa, close up of greasy necks. Hot. This girl (Holly) is pumping iron and wearing a crazy looking leotard with a belt, for some reason.

Wtf? Okay, these people are going on a vacation and the dad's like, "Did you know that there are 26 people in Nilbog? We'll live like our ancestors. We'll be peasants and farmers! We'll live like they did a century ago." Okay, my town has a population of about 14 and my dad's a farmer, but we don't live like peasants. I have a computer and an itouch, for crying out loud.

Joshua (the kid) hears noises from outside and looks out his window. He sees some guy pressing his face against the window and freaks out. Now the guys are climbing into Holly's room, and she freaks out. It's her boyfriend Elliot and she inexplicably accuses him of being gay. And honestly, her acting style is like a high school play. Even the acting in Body Rock was better than this.

Ha, I LOVE this. Holly says Elliot hangs out with his friends too much and is like, "You even bring them to bed with you, and I don't believe in group sex!" Wtf? This is so crazy. Anyway, Holly invites Elliot along and he stands her up and the dad randomly calls him her "beau".

This is like watching a really bad home movie. Once me, my brother (Jonas), my sister (Lindsay), my friend (Jessica), and Jessica's brothers (Danny and Devon) made this movie that my sister wrote but I can't remember the plot. Anyway, it was REALLY bad. Mostly I just remember this one scene we had to do like twenty times because Devon kept screwing up his lines. I had to be there because my hand appeared in the scene. He had one line that was "Bartender, another pint!" and then he was supposed to pass out. He actually went, "Bartender, more pint!" but he pronounced it like the "pint" in "Pinto", smiled huge at the camera, and then dropped his head on the table. It was HILARIOUS. I wish I could find that movie.

They're now singing a round of Row Row Row Your Boat but evidently they don't know how rounds work because the mom just keeps singing the same line over and over again.

Now we have some hokey country music or something because clearly everyone in rural areas listens to country music all the time.

Elliot and his friends are also going to Nilbog in a camper or something. Joshua is randomly turning into a tree and he's bleeding from his fingers and it's kind of gross. His family turn into goblins. Josh rips open his shirt because he is now the Hulk. SPOILER Josh is dreaming.

Josh sees Grandpa Seth on the road holding a sign that says "stop them." WAY TO BE CRYPTIC, GRANDPA SETH. You'd think since he was trying to warn Joshua, the sign would say something like, "Beware of the man eating goblins up ahead in the town of Nilborg!" But no.

Troll 2 has 00% on rottentomatoes.com. I wonder if that's worse than 0%?

The dad's like, "we have all the major appliances! A microwave, video, a fridge!" Like there are houses that DON'T have a fridge? Goddammit, Dad, it's a rural area, not Europe in the Dark Ages.

Grandpa Seth shows up and tells Joshua to tell his family to stop eating the food the goblins left behind. Also, Grandpa Seth can stop time. I didn't know ghosts could do that. GS (abbreviated from now on) gives Joshua thirty seconds to stop his family from eating and by now it's been about a minute but I guess Troll 2 has no concept of time. So the family's frozen and Joshua is thinking of a way to get them to stop eating and apparently thinks that walking slowly around the table is a better way to get them to stop eating than like, hitting the food out of their hands or whatever. So what does Joshua finally do to get them to stop eating? He pees on the food. Classic. The dad starts unbuckling his belt and I thought he was going to pee on Joshua to punish him, but he's just tightening his belt to kill the hunger pains, apparently. He also tells Joshua, "YOU CAN'T PISS ON HOSPITALITY!" This movie is great.

The four stooges (Elliot and his friends) are in a hotel or something and Arnold is complaining because there aren't any girls around. Not a hotel. They're in the camper. Where do four teenage boys get a camper? Never mind. Arnold sees a girl with weird green veins on her forehead and runs after her. Apparently he REALLY wants to get laid. Arnold finds the girl and then we see an army of goblins coming after them. Arnold tries to be a hero and get rid of the goblins, and apparently thinks that saying "Listen, you dwarves, get out of here or you're going to be in a lot of trouble" is enough to scare off like ten goblins. Then they get him in the chest with a javelin. The guys back at the camper hear his scream and make some sexual jokes, and then the girl and Arnold run away to a church, where they meet someone who appears to be Morticia Addams' deranged sister.

Update: two reviews and tvtropes.org confirm the release date of Troll 2 as 1990, so that's one mystery cleared up! The rest (how this got made, why there are no trolls in a movie called Troll 2, etc.) still remain enigmatic.

Anyway. The girl drinks the concoction this crazy lady gives her, despite the fact that she's clearly savvy to the ways of the goblins and that Morticia II is clearly evil. Arnold keeps babbling away with his bad acting. The girls appears to be coated in the slime they use at the Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Awards.

"They're eating her! And then they're gonna eat me! OHMIGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWD!" Best line ever, courtesy of Arnold.

Cut to Holly...dancing? Or having a seizure. It's a tossup. I have no idea why this sequence is in here.

Whoaaaaaa, dad's pajamas or unbuttoned WAY too far for comfort.

Holly sees GS in the mirror and freaks out. Dad inquires as to whether she's still smoking dope. Joshua says he'll sleep in Holly's room because she's scared.

So...if GS can appear to anyone (turns out he meant to be in Joshua's room) why doesn't he just appear to Josh's whole family? Dude, as soon as I wrote that, Joshua asked BASICALLY THE SAME THING. Turns out the parents wouldn't listen to GS. And...they'll listen to Joshua telling them the exact same thing? I don't understand.

Whoa, Elliot and one of his friends (Brent, I believe) are sleeping shirtless VERY closely in the same bed. I guess he really is gay.

Drew (one of the friends) gets picked up by Sheriff Gene Freak, who offers him a sandwich. Would you take a sandwich hidden inside a fat and rather sketchy looking sheriff's jacket? I wouldn't, but apparently Drew would. Drew is wearing these flesh coloured shorts and every time I look at him I think he's pantsless. Anyway, Drew goes to get some groceries and asks this guy for coffee, who informs him that coffee is the devil's drink. Drew asks for eggs and bacon, and the guy informs him that everyone in Nilbog are vegetarians and gives Drew some free Nilbog milk. Drew is stumbling around like a drunkard. Everyone is watching him creepily, including someone who looks like a cross between Charles Manson and Ted Bundy.

One of the townspeople tells Drew to go meet Arnold in a church. Cut to Arnold, who is half turned into a plant by Morticia II. She has made a cake that will "beautify the intestines", but why that's necessary, I have no idea.

Omg! "Nilbog! It's goblin spelled backwards! This is their kingdom!"

Side note: I can hear gunshots coming from outside right now. I'm scared.

Why is no one freaked out by Morticia II, AKA Creedence? She's so sketchy, and just described Holly as appetizing and provocative.

I just zoned out for a few minutes. Joshua is looking around in the basement of their house. Ominous zoom in on the skateboard. Perhaps it will come to life? Cut to a scary fundie guy giving a sermon. He is talking about the evils of eating meat. And the skateboards comes into play. Joshua is listening through the floor to this sermon, the skateboard goes down a hole into the sermon, and someone grabs Joshua's face.

Cut to Holly knocking on the door of the camper. Elliot comes out while buttoning his shirt. Apparently he's just coming (heh. Coming) from having a, ahem, "special time" with Brent. Holly asks him to choose between her or his friends (DUH, it's bros before hos!) and he's all "huh?" and she punches him for no reason. Cut to Joshua being manhandled by Gene Freak and the fundie. The goblins are going to force Joshua to eat some "special Nilbog ice cream". The goblins start talking in unison like some kind of scary cult. Dad comes to save the day. Joshua calls them "monstrous fiends", which is something that no ten year old would ever say. Joshua and his dad leave and the goblins follow them ominously but then let them go.

"Your sister Holly's with that playboy son of a Coopers!" What in the world does that mean?

And now the dad is making Elliot choose between Holly and his friends? Can he not have both? Elliot just abandons Brent and the camper. I thought the camper was Elliot's? Never mind.

Drew finds Arnold and tries to save him. Creedence hits Drew so hard he apparently passes out on a bed that looks like it fits in a porno. Creedence brandishes a chainsaw and Arnold asks what she's planning on doing. Hmm, I wonder. The goblins are having a sing song now. The one playing piano apparently doesn't know how a piano works, because her left hand is moving but I hear no sound coming out. The family randomly loves Elliot now, despite the fact they fucking HAAAATED him before. The goblins have prepared a buffet for the family and the fundie is here, despite the fact that the dad had a creepy run-in with him. Apparently he forgot about that whole sequence, because he seems perfectly okay with a bunch of strangers invading his home.

Joshue is sent to his room and calls for GS. A goblin attacks Joshua by jumping out through the mirror, but how this is possible I don't know. And why is the goblin trying to eat Joshua anyway? They hate meat. GS saves Joshua and Creedence screams when the goblin attacking Joshua is attacked by GS. GS pulls out a Molotov. Where was he keeping it? Who knows?

This one line of music has been played over and over again for like three minutes now.

Pastor Freakazoid catches GS and Joshua and banishes GS back (back?) to Hell using the sacred power of the stone. I have no idea what this means, but I think it's funny that GS is basically a demon. Oh wait. Apparently GS isn't actually FROM Hell, but he's going BACK there? I'm not going to try to understand. Pastor Freakazoid gets Molotoved by GS.

I don't get Creedence's purpose. Who is she? What is she doing? Why is she turning people into plants if she doesn't eat them? Why does she now look like a completely different person?

Uh oh, she has the look of love in her eye.

Joshua's family are hiding out in the house and the goblins tell them to eat the sandwiches or they will kill them violently. They decide to have a seance to get GS back.

Cut to Brent watching some bizarre movie on the TV. Some porno music plays from the TV and Creedence is dancing on the TV. Is this the same actress? I don't know. Also, she looks weirdly like Stephenie Meyer, especially in those weird witchy Vogue pictures. Creedence is on the TV imploring Brent to go outside. She's also holding a cob or corn in a very erotic way. Brent looks weirdly like James McAvoy from the side and kinda like Andrew McCarthy from the front. Brent asks Creedence if she likes the camper. What does he expect her to say? "Yes, it's a lovely camper!" I mean, wtf? This is what's known as the infamous corn scene. Creedence pushes Brent onto the bed and offers him corn on the cob. This scene is almost too hot to handle. The two of them start sharing the corn like some kind of demented homage to Lady and the Tramp and the camper starts filling up with popcorn that apparently comes from out of thin air. That's a...useful power, I guess?

Cut to Joshua's family having a seance. Joshua definitely just said "Uncle Seth" instead of "Grandpa Seth." Yeesh. Some fake looking lightning, and all the candles go out. ZOMG this is getting so scary. GS says Joshua has to destroy the stone that gives the goblins their power. They're not so powerful if they can be killed by a Molotov cocktail. Joshua has now turned into a goblin, for whatever reason.

Words are not adequate to describe how horrible this movie really is. Here are some youtube clips:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_OiD6IlBmtk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jqp9eXgXYHU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HyophYBP_w4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIo7Eq4Xq5Y

Joshua didn't turn into a goblin. He just passed out and was forgotten by his family. Thanks, family.

I'm fading fast. GS brings Joshua to the magic stone thingie and it turns out Joshua just has to touch it to kill all the goblins. That's...anticlimactic.

Oh, back to Brent. He's covered in popcorn. Creedence is turning back into Morticia and is screaming (almost left the "s" off, there. That could have been disastrous) for some reason. Then the goblins disappear. That's also anticlimactic. And now the parents finally realized they left their son behind to be eaten by goblins. Great parents they are. GS is dying.

And remember, everyone. It's only the power of goodness that can defeat the goblins. That, and touching the power stone thing.

Creedence comes back and throws Joshua to the goblins. They try to make him eat some weird green crap. Joshua brandishes a baloney sandwich, which apparently is spontaneously killing Creedence. Joshua starts to eat the sandwich and the goblins run away. The whole family appears and they all touch the magic stone. The goblins and Creedence are now all turning into the plant thingies. Why? How would I know? None of this movie makes much sense.

And the goblins are dead. Yay. Not too sure what happened to Brent. Last I saw he was lying on the bed covered in popcorn. Apparently he's still in there.

Joshua finds a baseball that says "Yummy! Mom is so good!" Why does this goblin kid keep throwing baseballs to Joshua? This is the second time. Close up on the mom's boobs and then we see the goblins eating the mom. The goblin asks if Joshua wants some, and that's the end of the movie!

So that was...different. No one can accuse Troll 2 of not being original.