The one good thing (and trust me, there is only one) about the Twilight series is since it's so popular, the movies get pirated and put on the internet VEEEERY quickly, so I can enjoy their hilarious badness, safe in the knowledge that a) I'm not paying for it, b) Nobody sees me and thinks I like this shit unironically, and c) Smeyer is not getting my money. Those thoughts make me feel warm and fuzzy.
It took a lot of searching, but I finally found a fairly good quality pirated copy and I'll be watching it FOR YOU my nonreaders. And for me, since I need the laugh.
Little background: this is the movie in which Bella goes catatonic for months because Edward left her and then she starts trying to kill herself to hear his voice in her head. This movie is also better known as "Jacob shirtless OMG".
So without further ado, here is New Moon.
So we start off with the typical slooooooow imagery with a moon slooooooowly being eclipsed and the words New Moon sloooooooowly coming onto the screen. Then there's a...I'm not sure what you call a scene from the movie that will come later. But Bella is in Italy and then she's running through all these red robed people and never mind it's a dream. Bella sees her grandma and then EW there's Edward Cullen wearing some kind of douchey suit with a weird black collar thing. Seriously, I don't know what up with that.
I HEAR THE SPARKLE NOISES!
OMG PLOT TWIST. Bella's "grandma" is Bella and Edward is still with her, despite the fact that...yeah, I'm not gonna go there.
YAY IT'S MY FAVOURITE CHARACTER. HI CHARLIE, I MISSED YOU! Charlie is one of three of the movie characters that I adore unironically. One of them is Jacob's dad, who seemed very sweet and funny in the first film (but of course, like all the human characters, gets abruptly phased out) and the other is Emmett, who seems like such a hilarious douchebag. In the books, I enjoy Jasper as well (although this [and possibly my love of Emmett] come solely from Growing Up Cullen.)
It's Bella's birthday and Charlie is being so sweet and bringing Bella her presents. You know, I think it would have been interesting if Bella actually loved her dad and didn't have so much contempt for him and we could see how she deals with becoming a vampire and then the possibility of outliving him. But silly me, that would provide conflict and everything has to go as smoothly as possibly for little Bella Sue.
This version I'm watching cut off the heads. I'm not sure whether this will be annoying.
Charlie jokes that she's getting old and she FREAKS OUT. She actually believes she has a grey hair.
Side note: I think I've mentioned this before. Okay, Edward kisses old!Bella's hand. I shuddered, and not because of Edward! It's because I haaaaaaaate getting my hand kissed (and yes, this has somehow happened enough for me to form an opinion). Everyone thinks this is so romantic but it's so gross.
OMG OMG OMG Edward is walking in slow mo towards Bella with his own soundtrack. I can't even DESCRIBE how cheesy this is.
Bella complains about being old and Edward's all "Dude, I'm 109" and she's like, "maybe I shouldn't be dating such an old man" and THIS IS EXACTLY LIKE THE SCENE WHERE CHLOE AND BUCK WERE JOKING ABOUT HIM BEING OLD.
K, Jacob needs to cut his hair. Taylor Lautner's teeth are SO WHITE.
Also: How dooes Jacob know it's Bella's birthday? I have guy friends that I've known for years and I still don't know their birthdays.
Bella tries to make jokes, but it just doesn't work. I give her an A for effort, but a D on the execution.
Everyone loves Alice, but I find her SO UNSETTLING. You know who else I find unsettling? JASPER. He's like a creepy pedo (almost literally, ha ha ha ha ha) who hangs out in a high school.
IS THAT RAY WISE IN ENGLISH CLASS????? On the one hand GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN, RAY! But on the other YES, YOU CAN MAKE THIS BETTER. Never mind. Sadly it's not him. But now I want to watch Reaper.
So the students are watching Romeo and Juliet and Mike looks like I did when I watched the BBC version. Edward is quoting Romeo and Juliet and this is supposed to be romantic, despite the fact that talking along with the movie is one of the MOST ANNOYING THINGS A PERSON CAN DO. They're talking in the middle of class about Edward's plans to kill himself should Bella ever die. That's romantic.
I can't WAIT to see Michael Sheen and Christopher Heyerdahl. HI CHRIS! GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN, BUT PLEASE RETURN TO STARGATE ATLANTIS AND SUPERNATURAL, KTHXBAI.
So, is it like a prerequisite of vampires to wear floaty vampire shirts?
WHOA. This is more action than I expect from a Twilight film. The Volturi (scary vampire overlords) are shown BREAKING SOMEONE'S NECK. I...I kind of enjoyed that.
I still find Alice so unsettling.
EMMETT! Hopefully you have more lines! YES! Omg. Maybe I just have very, very low standards for this film, but Emmett was like, "Dating an older woman? Hot!" and at Edward's contemptuous look, Emmett's like, "...what?" I LOVE HIM. This is my low standards talking, but I love him!
Bella gets a papercut and it's bleeding like a mofo. I've had papercuts and...they're not generally that bad. Like, I don't think my fingers bled as much as hers when I cut myself on the Tomato Witch at work. So Jasper attacks and I think he gets thrown into the piano or something. Bella's all cut up and Edward's just watching her CREEPY.
So this is supposed to be like Romeo and Juliet. Smeyer does know that's about two impetuous morons whose lack of logical thinking ended in their deaths, right?
There is SO MUCH SILENCE in this film. I wish I was watching this shit with RiffTrax. "Line...line...LINE!"
Dear God, I'm only 20 minutes in and already I want to kill myself.
I know this question has been asked a million times. But WHY IN THE WORLD is she attracted to Edward Cullen. Even leaving out all the abusive stalkerness, he's just so bland and humourless and BORING. Like he never cracks jokes, except for last movie when he was like, "Yes, no...to get to the other side." That was one of like three lines I enjoyed (one coming from Charlie, the other from Billy Black).
So now Edward says he has to leave (EDWARD LOOKS SO SCARY) and she's all, "I'LL COME WITH YOU ZOMG" and he's like, "I don't want you to come" and of course, she's devastated because EVERY GIRL NEEDS A MAN. Oh lordy, this is so depressing how she is nothing without Edward.
Edward's lipstick is so...so...red. Like Gwen Stefani red.
Bella runs through the forest and then passes out or falls asleep or something. I dunno, I stopped paying attention because it's so boring. Plus, this is pirated from a theatre-goer so the visual quality isn't great and I can't currently see anything.
WTF? Billy's played by someone else now?
What possible reason could Sam have to walk around in the woods, at night, shirtless? I mean, fanservice is one thing, but REALLY FUCKING DUMB is another.
Oh hey, now Bella's catatonic. We are informed it's October and no she seriously is fucking catatonic. She's just in her room staring at nothing while melancholy music is playing. And now it's November, and she hasn't moved. I can't believe I'm actually looking at this now. Someone decided that THIS PART ACTUALLY HAD TO BE ON SCREEN. December. She hasn't moved yet. Who thought this would actually be a compelling movie?
Bella's screaming in her sleep. POOR CHARLIE. Charlie's such a good dad and then Bella just treats him like dirt.
HA HA HA HA HA there's a bar called "One Eyed Pete's." I would TOTALLY be on that shit like WHITE ON RICE. So anyway, Bella sees the rapists and starts to go over there for whatever reason and then SHE HEARS EDWARD IN HER HEAD and she sees him standing before her. It reminds me of the trailer for "The House on Haunted Hill" where Vincent Price's head is floating in the air and speaking in a disconcerting manner. (For your viewing pleasure: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FmgAsLr2bgI. It looks exactly like that, kind of sad seeing as HOHH was made back in the 50s. Btw: HOHH is a really good movie, better than this crap) The effects in New Moon are so bad, which is weird seeing as how I'm sure this movie had a bigger budget than the first.
Bella gets on a motorcycle with a fatter, sinister, version of Simon Pegg and Jessica freaks out.
Now Bella is putting her life in danger just to see Edward.
Jacob is so sweet in this movie. He obviously enjoys her company and he's so smiley when she's around and he's actually a real friend and a NORMAL DUDE. I like him so much better than Edward. And then Eclipse comes along and Jacob turns into a sexually assaulting loser. But you know, when it comes to Twilight, I'll enjoy my fuzzy feelings where I can get them.
Okay, I'm enjoying Jacob in almost every respect except for his fucking voice. I can't really describe it but it goes really gravelly and he talks like he has rocks in his mouth. I HATE that.
OMG Bella actually said something that was kinda funny and THEN SHE LAUGHED YOU GUYS. Jake was joking around that she had a crush on him and then she was like, "I'm not really into the cougar thing." Okay, it's not Laurel and Hardy, but I will take my laughs where I can get them.
Charlie is so sweet. Ha ha ha ha ha he's talking to Bella about how she should "love what's good for her" (meaning Jacob) and he's like, "What do I know? I'm a terminal bachelor. Famous ladies' man." I love him.
Bella says "mad skillz" and my opinion of her sense of humour plummets again.
Bella and Jacob see some Natives cliff diving and when Jacob says it's a rush, she gets the glimmer of an idea.
Yeah, I'm sure taking off your shirt to put it to Bella's wound was TOTALLY necessary. Bella, woozy in her head traumaed state, calls him beautiful. HOLY SHIT he is buff though. WOW.
Anyhoo, that's it for part 1 solely because I'm on Megavideo and you can only watch 72 minutes at a time and the reloading process is taking FOREVER so I'll just finish this tomorrow. I'll save my sanity that way.
Showing posts with label Twilight. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Twilight. Show all posts
Monday, November 23, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
The Host Redux Chapters 33 and 34
Chapter 33
Doubt
So we're still in the middle of the utterly thrilling fight scene going on in the bathhouse. Currently, she is trying to save Kyle from a hole or something and then Ian runs in and saves her, because Wanderer is incapable of doing anything by herself.
“Don't let go,” he cautioned.
Thanks for the great advice, Ian. I'm SURE she never would have thought of that!
“What… the hell… happened?”
"Having...stroke...can't form...coherent...sentences."
So basically now, Ian is all "Kyle tried to kill you! I can kill him!" and Wanderer's all, "But he is human. I don't belong here! I am worthless and you are all stronger than me blah blah blah."
Would that first dose of painkiller wear off soon?
Hasn't it been like 24 hours? I'm pretty sure it's worn off.
Ian kisses Wanderer on the forehead. THIS IS ALMOST TOO HOT TO HANDLE.
Chapter 34
Buried
Pedobear bitchslaps Kyle, and then I believe we have the first genuinely funny part of this book. It really pains me to say that, but I believe I have to give credit where credit is due:
“Um,” Doc said in a mild voice, “medically speaking, I'm not sure that was the most helpful
thing for his condition.”
“But I feel better,” Jared answered, sullen.
That stopped him short. I felt almost smug.
As you should,Melanie approved.He's wrong, and he's being a pig about it.
Thank you.
We girls have to stick together.
That's so lame.
Now Wanderer is explaining how the Souls reproduce. I love when Smeyer pretends she knows how science works. Basically, there are a bunch of sexless souls and then a mother (so basically like Consider Her Ways by John Wyndham. Way to rip off more sci-fi, Smeyer) who I think like, splits into a thousand pieces to reproduce. She compares it to bees. But with bees, someone has to mate with the female. How does Wanderer reproduce? I guess there's asexual reproduction, but she identifies as female. I don't know. Anyway, when the Mother reproduces, each of the new souls has a bit of the mother's memory, like a collective memory or something.
“I wonder what the evolutionary track would be… to produce a hive society with suiciding queens.…”
SuicidAL queens, you dumb shit. Suiciding isn't a word.
“That's just great,” someone said under his breath. “We've got a bloody queen mother alien
living with us. She could blow into a million new buggers at any moment.”
Smeyer. Dude. The buggers are from Ender's Game. We've gone through this already. Stealing from better sci-fi won't make this better.
Doc hushed the men who began to protest. “Wanda's given up sleep and peace to help him
through the pain. Her hands are bruised from holding his. What have you done for him?”
How hard could a man ravaged by the last stages of cancer really hold her hand? Not hard enough to bruise, I'll tell you that.
“He'll find his Gladys now. He's happier where he is.”
"He'll find his GLaDOS now. He's happier where he is, at Aperture Science. Now if he could only figure out the Companion Cube..."
Doubt
So we're still in the middle of the utterly thrilling fight scene going on in the bathhouse. Currently, she is trying to save Kyle from a hole or something and then Ian runs in and saves her, because Wanderer is incapable of doing anything by herself.
“Don't let go,” he cautioned.
Thanks for the great advice, Ian. I'm SURE she never would have thought of that!
“What… the hell… happened?”
"Having...stroke...can't form...coherent...sentences."
So basically now, Ian is all "Kyle tried to kill you! I can kill him!" and Wanderer's all, "But he is human. I don't belong here! I am worthless and you are all stronger than me blah blah blah."
Would that first dose of painkiller wear off soon?
Hasn't it been like 24 hours? I'm pretty sure it's worn off.
Ian kisses Wanderer on the forehead. THIS IS ALMOST TOO HOT TO HANDLE.
Chapter 34
Buried
Pedobear bitchslaps Kyle, and then I believe we have the first genuinely funny part of this book. It really pains me to say that, but I believe I have to give credit where credit is due:
“Um,” Doc said in a mild voice, “medically speaking, I'm not sure that was the most helpful
thing for his condition.”
“But I feel better,” Jared answered, sullen.
That stopped him short. I felt almost smug.
As you should,Melanie approved.He's wrong, and he's being a pig about it.
Thank you.
We girls have to stick together.
That's so lame.
Now Wanderer is explaining how the Souls reproduce. I love when Smeyer pretends she knows how science works. Basically, there are a bunch of sexless souls and then a mother (so basically like Consider Her Ways by John Wyndham. Way to rip off more sci-fi, Smeyer) who I think like, splits into a thousand pieces to reproduce. She compares it to bees. But with bees, someone has to mate with the female. How does Wanderer reproduce? I guess there's asexual reproduction, but she identifies as female. I don't know. Anyway, when the Mother reproduces, each of the new souls has a bit of the mother's memory, like a collective memory or something.
“I wonder what the evolutionary track would be… to produce a hive society with suiciding queens.…”
SuicidAL queens, you dumb shit. Suiciding isn't a word.
“That's just great,” someone said under his breath. “We've got a bloody queen mother alien
living with us. She could blow into a million new buggers at any moment.”
Smeyer. Dude. The buggers are from Ender's Game. We've gone through this already. Stealing from better sci-fi won't make this better.
Doc hushed the men who began to protest. “Wanda's given up sleep and peace to help him
through the pain. Her hands are bruised from holding his. What have you done for him?”
How hard could a man ravaged by the last stages of cancer really hold her hand? Not hard enough to bruise, I'll tell you that.
“He'll find his Gladys now. He's happier where he is.”
"He'll find his GLaDOS now. He's happier where he is, at Aperture Science. Now if he could only figure out the Companion Cube..."
Sunday, June 14, 2009
The Host Redux Chapters 17 and 18
Good news, guys! I have my next snarking lined up. I am going to do Eragon. I wanted to do the whole trilogy (I REFUSE to call it a Cycle, much like I refuse to call Twilight a saga) but for whatever reason I can only download Eragon and Brisingr, so I might just have to buy the second one. I might do the Eye of Argon after too. And I'm planning on buying Left Behind. And of course, The Shadow God is still on the table, if I can ever find it.
Chapter 17
Visited
Today it suddenly went up to like 30 degrees and I had to clean one double cabin and one single plus the bathrooms twice and the guys apparently had an attack of explosive diarrhea so the bathrooms were disgusting and I am in NO MOOD to do these recaps but I am nothing if not dedicated, dammit. That was the best sentence EVAR.
“Mighty convenient, how it's laid out. Couldn't have planned it much better if I'd sculpted it
myself out of play dough.”
Dude. It's Play-Doh. Capitalized. Because it's a fucking brand name.
A feminine, high-pitched murmur purred from its gentle
ripples.
WTF? I have nothing against anthropomorphizing random objects, but this is just redonk.
Basically what's happening right now is Wanderer is taking a bath in the MIGHTY CONVENIENT underground hot springs but it takes like five pages to say this.
Wanderer mentions something about a "secret" and I remember being confused about it before because it was mentioned in an offhand way and then never mentioned again for like 200 pages and apparently the secret wasn't important enough for me to retain in my brain.
“Well, for Pete's sake!” Jeb exclaimed, obviously irritated. “Can't nobody keep a secret around
this place for more'n twenty-four hours? Gol' durn, this burns me up! Bunch of
gossipmongers…” He trailed off into a grumble.
What. The. Shit. I know hicks. I LIVE among hicks. 90% of the people around where I live are farmers. None of them talk like this.
Also, Jamie shows up.
Okay, side note. Our microwave is screwed up. It beeps. And it's not a steady beep, it's all random. And it also says 11:11 on it. My theory is that it is chattering with excitement at humanity's impending death by the rising of the machines, which apparently happens on November 11 or in November of 2011.
“What the hell?” Jared shouted at us, frozen with fury in the act of rounding the corner at the
end of the tunnel. “Damn it, Jeb! We agreed not to –”
I LOVE how she thinks using the word "hell" makes this an adult novel. It's almost endearing how innocent and sheltered she is.
We should never have come here. See how unhappy we've made them,I moaned.
I hate whiny people who feel sorry for themselves. Self-deprecation is one thing. Done correctly, it can be hilarious and sometimes moving. Masters of self-deprecation: Rodney Dangerfield (the original) and Chuck Klosterman. Smeyer is nowhere near that level.
Jared spit on the floor.
I believe he "spat" on the floor, you dumb fuck.
Jared dropped his hands. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “You will either leave right now, Jamie, and give me some space, or I will make you leave. I am not bluffing. I can't deal with any more right now, okay? I'm at my limit. So can we please have this conversation later?” He opened his eyes again; they were full of pain.
Stop being such a whiny little bitch, Pedobear. Also, he sounds like Dr. Phil.
Chapter 18
Bored
Am I to assume that they only let her pee like, once every 24 hours? Shouldn't that count as cruel and unusual punishment? I think the Geneva Convention restricts that or something.
He didn't respond, but sped his pace so that following was even more difficult.
Yeah, you dumb shit. Way to guard the prisoner. Walk so far in front that you have no fucking idea where she is.
“C'mon,” Jared ordered angrily from several paces ahead.
I flinched and hurried to follow. I was sorry I'd let my attention wander. I could see how much it irritated him to have to speak to me.
Seriously, this makes me cringe inside. It's like when a guy beats up a girl and she's all, "sorry I made you hit me." IT OFFENDS ALL MY FEMINIST SENSIBILITIES.
“It's not one of us, Jeb. You left this on me–so butt out.”
Actually, Pedobear, I think you made Jeb let you do this.
One of my few entertainments was hearing him eat his treats, because he
always did so ostentatiously, perhaps rubbing it in the way he had with the pillow that first
night.
Once, Jared slowly ripped open a bag of Cheetos–showy about it as usual–and the rich smell of fake powdered cheese rolled through my cave… delicious, irresistible. He ate one slowly, letting me hear each distinct crunch.
My stomach growled loudly, and I laughed at myself.
Pedobear's being a bratty little bitch and she thinks it's funny? I would probably have kicked him in the nuts by now. He's friggin' annoying.
“You see, there's this one… a Seeker, no doubt about that–it packs a Glock.”
Ha, I bet Smeyer feels really cool rattling off the names of guns and shit. I'm betting "shotgun" and "Glock" are the only ones she knows. Granted, I only know about five more (thanks, Deadliest Warrior!) but I'm not as self-consciously showy about it.
Chapter 17
Visited
Today it suddenly went up to like 30 degrees and I had to clean one double cabin and one single plus the bathrooms twice and the guys apparently had an attack of explosive diarrhea so the bathrooms were disgusting and I am in NO MOOD to do these recaps but I am nothing if not dedicated, dammit. That was the best sentence EVAR.
“Mighty convenient, how it's laid out. Couldn't have planned it much better if I'd sculpted it
myself out of play dough.”
Dude. It's Play-Doh. Capitalized. Because it's a fucking brand name.
A feminine, high-pitched murmur purred from its gentle
ripples.
WTF? I have nothing against anthropomorphizing random objects, but this is just redonk.
Basically what's happening right now is Wanderer is taking a bath in the MIGHTY CONVENIENT underground hot springs but it takes like five pages to say this.
Wanderer mentions something about a "secret" and I remember being confused about it before because it was mentioned in an offhand way and then never mentioned again for like 200 pages and apparently the secret wasn't important enough for me to retain in my brain.
“Well, for Pete's sake!” Jeb exclaimed, obviously irritated. “Can't nobody keep a secret around
this place for more'n twenty-four hours? Gol' durn, this burns me up! Bunch of
gossipmongers…” He trailed off into a grumble.
What. The. Shit. I know hicks. I LIVE among hicks. 90% of the people around where I live are farmers. None of them talk like this.
Also, Jamie shows up.
Okay, side note. Our microwave is screwed up. It beeps. And it's not a steady beep, it's all random. And it also says 11:11 on it. My theory is that it is chattering with excitement at humanity's impending death by the rising of the machines, which apparently happens on November 11 or in November of 2011.
“What the hell?” Jared shouted at us, frozen with fury in the act of rounding the corner at the
end of the tunnel. “Damn it, Jeb! We agreed not to –”
I LOVE how she thinks using the word "hell" makes this an adult novel. It's almost endearing how innocent and sheltered she is.
We should never have come here. See how unhappy we've made them,I moaned.
I hate whiny people who feel sorry for themselves. Self-deprecation is one thing. Done correctly, it can be hilarious and sometimes moving. Masters of self-deprecation: Rodney Dangerfield (the original) and Chuck Klosterman. Smeyer is nowhere near that level.
Jared spit on the floor.
I believe he "spat" on the floor, you dumb fuck.
Jared dropped his hands. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “You will either leave right now, Jamie, and give me some space, or I will make you leave. I am not bluffing. I can't deal with any more right now, okay? I'm at my limit. So can we please have this conversation later?” He opened his eyes again; they were full of pain.
Stop being such a whiny little bitch, Pedobear. Also, he sounds like Dr. Phil.
Chapter 18
Bored
Am I to assume that they only let her pee like, once every 24 hours? Shouldn't that count as cruel and unusual punishment? I think the Geneva Convention restricts that or something.
He didn't respond, but sped his pace so that following was even more difficult.
Yeah, you dumb shit. Way to guard the prisoner. Walk so far in front that you have no fucking idea where she is.
“C'mon,” Jared ordered angrily from several paces ahead.
I flinched and hurried to follow. I was sorry I'd let my attention wander. I could see how much it irritated him to have to speak to me.
Seriously, this makes me cringe inside. It's like when a guy beats up a girl and she's all, "sorry I made you hit me." IT OFFENDS ALL MY FEMINIST SENSIBILITIES.
“It's not one of us, Jeb. You left this on me–so butt out.”
Actually, Pedobear, I think you made Jeb let you do this.
One of my few entertainments was hearing him eat his treats, because he
always did so ostentatiously, perhaps rubbing it in the way he had with the pillow that first
night.
Once, Jared slowly ripped open a bag of Cheetos–showy about it as usual–and the rich smell of fake powdered cheese rolled through my cave… delicious, irresistible. He ate one slowly, letting me hear each distinct crunch.
My stomach growled loudly, and I laughed at myself.
Pedobear's being a bratty little bitch and she thinks it's funny? I would probably have kicked him in the nuts by now. He's friggin' annoying.
“You see, there's this one… a Seeker, no doubt about that–it packs a Glock.”
Ha, I bet Smeyer feels really cool rattling off the names of guns and shit. I'm betting "shotgun" and "Glock" are the only ones she knows. Granted, I only know about five more (thanks, Deadliest Warrior!) but I'm not as self-consciously showy about it.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
The Host Redux Chapters 15 and 16
Okay, so awhile ago my computer completely crashed and I lost a shitload of files and it was all very tragic. So I couldn't keep up with my recaps. I have a very strict policy for keeping up with my recaps, but since this was beyond my control and I definitely don't have the mental fortitude to do twenty recaps or whatever, I'm just going to continue from where I left off.
Chapter 15
Guarded
I was hungry. My stomach knotted and clenched and made angry noises. I doubted these noises
would betray me–I was sure it had gurgled and complained as I slept.
My head ached fiercely. It was impossible to know how much of this was from fatigue and how much was from the knocks I'd taken.
Someone, for the love of God, please teach Smeyer the basic skills of writing. For example, these are not two separate paragraphs. It should be one.
It was dark–I could tell that without opening my eyes. Not pitch-black, but very dark.
Why is this necessary? Does it advance the plot AT ALL to know that it's not quite COMPLETELY dark, but it's still pretty dark? WHY?
Actually, this whole section here could be combined into one paragraph, and yet she uses six.
Way to drag this chapter out like five times longer than it has to be, Smeyer.
She describes the soup with WAY TOO MUCH detail. Is there such thing as a soup fetish? Well, vorarephilia is real, so I wouldn't disbelieve anything. (Look it up. Or don't, if you want to maintain faith in humanity.) I'm not even kidding. There are like three fucking paragraphs describing the soup.
Melanie had burned all the fingerprints off her right hand once in a stupid accident, grabbing a pan she hadn't realized was hot. I remembered how the pain had shocked her–it was so unexpectedly sharp and demanding.
I think I mentioned this in my first recap, but this reminds me of the dumbest home ec. video ever. This irritatingly cheery guy was telling us to make sure we didn't touch any hot pans and then he grabbed the pan from the oven and in a totally unemotional voice, goes, "Ouch. That's hot." I think this is the same video where the woman was like, "Quiche. Pronounced...keesh." Everyone in my seventh grade home ec. class remembers that video.
It came in a rush once more.You're in love with him, too, separately from me. It feels different
from the way I feel. Other. I didn't see that until he was there with us, until you saw him for the first time. How did that happen? How does a three-inch-long worm fall in love with a human being?
Bull. Shit. I call shenanigans on this one. SHE HASN'T EVEN MET THE GUY. All she objectively knows about him is that he hits girls. Yeah, that's sexy.
I'm going to do a quick count of how many times Wanderer cringes in this book. 21 times. Plus other people cringe at least four times. Cringed doesn't even look like a word anymore.
Kyle (Pedobear's brother) and some other guy who I think is a ghost (more on that later) come to kill Wanderer but Pedobear won't let them. Kyle and the ghost go to attack Pedobear and get this...WANDERER FUCKING GOES TO PROTECT HIM.
Chapter 16
Assigned
I looked for only one thing–where Jared was, so that I could put myself between him and his
attackers.
Sentences like this make me (heh) cringe.
Pedobear shoves her again, because he's such a fucking hero.
“Tricky bugger,” Ian finally muttered, eyes wide with horror.
Wrong sci-fi novel. Buggers were in Ender's Game. Masquerading as a better novel won't fool your readers, Smeyer.
“Finish it, Ian!” Kyle yelled.
"FINISH HIM! I know Mortal Kombat!"
So Wanderer gets manhandled and strangled and GEEZ Smeyer, get out your BDSM fetishes SOME OTHER WAY, for the love of God.
If he hadn't used that gun in the past–used it to kill, not just to threaten–no one would have obeyed him this way.
Or, you know, they could be like every single other person in the world and have a healthy respect for firearms.
I stared at him mutely.
No, you dumb shit, you stared at him loudly.
After a few minutes, he started whistling quietly. It was a cheery tune.
Perhaps he was whistling while he worked. But honestly, those two sentences are so saccharine I want to kill something.
Blah blah blah Jeb takes Wanderer on a tour.
Chapter 15
Guarded
I was hungry. My stomach knotted and clenched and made angry noises. I doubted these noises
would betray me–I was sure it had gurgled and complained as I slept.
My head ached fiercely. It was impossible to know how much of this was from fatigue and how much was from the knocks I'd taken.
Someone, for the love of God, please teach Smeyer the basic skills of writing. For example, these are not two separate paragraphs. It should be one.
It was dark–I could tell that without opening my eyes. Not pitch-black, but very dark.
Why is this necessary? Does it advance the plot AT ALL to know that it's not quite COMPLETELY dark, but it's still pretty dark? WHY?
Actually, this whole section here could be combined into one paragraph, and yet she uses six.
Way to drag this chapter out like five times longer than it has to be, Smeyer.
She describes the soup with WAY TOO MUCH detail. Is there such thing as a soup fetish? Well, vorarephilia is real, so I wouldn't disbelieve anything. (Look it up. Or don't, if you want to maintain faith in humanity.) I'm not even kidding. There are like three fucking paragraphs describing the soup.
Melanie had burned all the fingerprints off her right hand once in a stupid accident, grabbing a pan she hadn't realized was hot. I remembered how the pain had shocked her–it was so unexpectedly sharp and demanding.
I think I mentioned this in my first recap, but this reminds me of the dumbest home ec. video ever. This irritatingly cheery guy was telling us to make sure we didn't touch any hot pans and then he grabbed the pan from the oven and in a totally unemotional voice, goes, "Ouch. That's hot." I think this is the same video where the woman was like, "Quiche. Pronounced...keesh." Everyone in my seventh grade home ec. class remembers that video.
It came in a rush once more.You're in love with him, too, separately from me. It feels different
from the way I feel. Other. I didn't see that until he was there with us, until you saw him for the first time. How did that happen? How does a three-inch-long worm fall in love with a human being?
Bull. Shit. I call shenanigans on this one. SHE HASN'T EVEN MET THE GUY. All she objectively knows about him is that he hits girls. Yeah, that's sexy.
I'm going to do a quick count of how many times Wanderer cringes in this book. 21 times. Plus other people cringe at least four times. Cringed doesn't even look like a word anymore.
Kyle (Pedobear's brother) and some other guy who I think is a ghost (more on that later) come to kill Wanderer but Pedobear won't let them. Kyle and the ghost go to attack Pedobear and get this...WANDERER FUCKING GOES TO PROTECT HIM.
Chapter 16
Assigned
I looked for only one thing–where Jared was, so that I could put myself between him and his
attackers.
Sentences like this make me (heh) cringe.
Pedobear shoves her again, because he's such a fucking hero.
“Tricky bugger,” Ian finally muttered, eyes wide with horror.
Wrong sci-fi novel. Buggers were in Ender's Game. Masquerading as a better novel won't fool your readers, Smeyer.
“Finish it, Ian!” Kyle yelled.
"FINISH HIM! I know Mortal Kombat!"
So Wanderer gets manhandled and strangled and GEEZ Smeyer, get out your BDSM fetishes SOME OTHER WAY, for the love of God.
If he hadn't used that gun in the past–used it to kill, not just to threaten–no one would have obeyed him this way.
Or, you know, they could be like every single other person in the world and have a healthy respect for firearms.
I stared at him mutely.
No, you dumb shit, you stared at him loudly.
After a few minutes, he started whistling quietly. It was a cheery tune.
Perhaps he was whistling while he worked. But honestly, those two sentences are so saccharine I want to kill something.
Blah blah blah Jeb takes Wanderer on a tour.
Friday, May 22, 2009
The Host Redux: Chapters 5 and 6
CHAPTER 5
Uncomforted
I hate this chapter. Seriously. Here's the laconic version: Wanderer goes to her Comforter, who is supposed to help her acclimate to her new life. The Comforter is sad because Wanderer won't open up to her. This doesn't matter, but the Comforter's husband's name is Curt, and I HATE that name. It's in my bottom five. Oh also, this isn't turning out as laconic as I wanted, but now we come to another important question. The Comforter is married to Curt, and this is why: their hosts were married and since the aliens can't differentiate between their feelings and their hosts' feelings, they were just like, "Meh, let's stay married anyway EVEN THOUGH WE DON'T REALLY AND OBJECTIVELY LOVE EACH OTHER." So once again, we have characters who have no choice but to love each other. Smeyer has said that the concept of choice is very important to her (ha ha ha, I wrote "him" at first. Whoa, I am really not paying attention right now. Gossip Girl is very mesmerizing) but her characters never have the ability to choose anything. To continue. Wait. WAIT. Is the 80's band on Gossip Girl No Doubt? CRAZY. And Dick from Veronica Mars (who seems to play the exact same character on every show he does) and someone ELSE from Veronica Mars and the fake brother stalker from One Tree Hill AND the piece de resistance: Andrew McCarthy are all on the Gossip Girl episode I'm watching today. I am so ecstatic I can hardly breathe.
Okay, NOW I'm continuing.
My hands were light brown–a tan that never faded whether I spent time in the sun or not. One dark freckle marked the skin just above my left wrist. My nails were cut short. I disliked the feeling of long nails. They were unpleasant when they brushed the skin wrong. And my fingers were so long and thin–the added length of fingernails made them look strange. Even for a human.
Why is this paragraph necessary? Why?
Blah blah blah, stupid conversation about the Comforter impersonating humans.
I was no quitter.
It's so annoying how Wanderer and everyone around her thinks she's so strong and brave but the way she is portrayed is the exact opposite. That happens in all Smeyer's books.
I could have you disposed of,I reminded her.
EUNGH ENDING SENTENCES WITH PREPOSITIONS!
Sorry, Gossip Girl interjection again. One character just went, "Dammit, Keith!" but I thought she went, "Bandit Keith!" I was really excited for a second.
This was a boring chapter. Oh well, onward.
CHAPTER 6
Followed
“Human hosts need interaction. You're not used to solitude, dear. You shared an entire planet's
thoughts –”
“We didn't go out much.” My attempt at humor fell flat.
Because it's not funny.
“And then there are the physical drives these bodies have. I've never seen or heard of their
equal. One of the most difficult things we of the first wave had to conquer was the mating
instinct. Believe me, the humans noticed when you didn't.”
Heh. This is actually kind of funny. What's even MORE hilarious is paragraphs like this is what makes this Smeyer's first "adult" novel. I've read more explicit things in Meg Cabot's young adult books.
“No, I didn't mean just memories. Haven't you come across anyone that your body has
responded to in the present–on strictly a chemical level?”
I thought her question through carefully. “I don't think so. Not so I've noticed.”
“Trust me,” Kathy said dryly. “You'd notice.” She shook her head. “Perhaps you should open
your eyes and look around for that specifically. It might do you a lot of good.”
HA. Smeyer's answer to EVERYTHING. Get a man! That solves any problem! Gag me.
The anger tightened my throat. “You did not look too far afield for your current partner. Was
that choice controlled?”
She ignored my anger and considered the question thoughtfully.
“Perhaps,” she finally said. “It's hard to know. But you've made your point.”
And she shows no sign of unease that maybe her feelings are not her own. I don't understand any of these people.
“Perhaps they'll find Melanie's love, and then you can be together. If his feelings are as fervent
as hers, the new soul will probably be amenable.”
Sure, that's a GREAT plan. Find the man that you AREN'T in love with but have feelings for that aren't your own, and be with him! Who cares about YOUR choice or YOUR feelings? Just indiscriminately find a man and you will be set in life.
Argh, I'm sick of this. The Seeker finds Wanderer and creeps her out and Wanderer goes home, the end.
Uncomforted
I hate this chapter. Seriously. Here's the laconic version: Wanderer goes to her Comforter, who is supposed to help her acclimate to her new life. The Comforter is sad because Wanderer won't open up to her. This doesn't matter, but the Comforter's husband's name is Curt, and I HATE that name. It's in my bottom five. Oh also, this isn't turning out as laconic as I wanted, but now we come to another important question. The Comforter is married to Curt, and this is why: their hosts were married and since the aliens can't differentiate between their feelings and their hosts' feelings, they were just like, "Meh, let's stay married anyway EVEN THOUGH WE DON'T REALLY AND OBJECTIVELY LOVE EACH OTHER." So once again, we have characters who have no choice but to love each other. Smeyer has said that the concept of choice is very important to her (ha ha ha, I wrote "him" at first. Whoa, I am really not paying attention right now. Gossip Girl is very mesmerizing) but her characters never have the ability to choose anything. To continue. Wait. WAIT. Is the 80's band on Gossip Girl No Doubt? CRAZY. And Dick from Veronica Mars (who seems to play the exact same character on every show he does) and someone ELSE from Veronica Mars and the fake brother stalker from One Tree Hill AND the piece de resistance: Andrew McCarthy are all on the Gossip Girl episode I'm watching today. I am so ecstatic I can hardly breathe.
Okay, NOW I'm continuing.
My hands were light brown–a tan that never faded whether I spent time in the sun or not. One dark freckle marked the skin just above my left wrist. My nails were cut short. I disliked the feeling of long nails. They were unpleasant when they brushed the skin wrong. And my fingers were so long and thin–the added length of fingernails made them look strange. Even for a human.
Why is this paragraph necessary? Why?
Blah blah blah, stupid conversation about the Comforter impersonating humans.
I was no quitter.
It's so annoying how Wanderer and everyone around her thinks she's so strong and brave but the way she is portrayed is the exact opposite. That happens in all Smeyer's books.
I could have you disposed of,I reminded her.
EUNGH ENDING SENTENCES WITH PREPOSITIONS!
Sorry, Gossip Girl interjection again. One character just went, "Dammit, Keith!" but I thought she went, "Bandit Keith!" I was really excited for a second.
This was a boring chapter. Oh well, onward.
CHAPTER 6
Followed
“Human hosts need interaction. You're not used to solitude, dear. You shared an entire planet's
thoughts –”
“We didn't go out much.” My attempt at humor fell flat.
Because it's not funny.
“And then there are the physical drives these bodies have. I've never seen or heard of their
equal. One of the most difficult things we of the first wave had to conquer was the mating
instinct. Believe me, the humans noticed when you didn't.”
Heh. This is actually kind of funny. What's even MORE hilarious is paragraphs like this is what makes this Smeyer's first "adult" novel. I've read more explicit things in Meg Cabot's young adult books.
“No, I didn't mean just memories. Haven't you come across anyone that your body has
responded to in the present–on strictly a chemical level?”
I thought her question through carefully. “I don't think so. Not so I've noticed.”
“Trust me,” Kathy said dryly. “You'd notice.” She shook her head. “Perhaps you should open
your eyes and look around for that specifically. It might do you a lot of good.”
HA. Smeyer's answer to EVERYTHING. Get a man! That solves any problem! Gag me.
The anger tightened my throat. “You did not look too far afield for your current partner. Was
that choice controlled?”
She ignored my anger and considered the question thoughtfully.
“Perhaps,” she finally said. “It's hard to know. But you've made your point.”
And she shows no sign of unease that maybe her feelings are not her own. I don't understand any of these people.
“Perhaps they'll find Melanie's love, and then you can be together. If his feelings are as fervent
as hers, the new soul will probably be amenable.”
Sure, that's a GREAT plan. Find the man that you AREN'T in love with but have feelings for that aren't your own, and be with him! Who cares about YOUR choice or YOUR feelings? Just indiscriminately find a man and you will be set in life.
Argh, I'm sick of this. The Seeker finds Wanderer and creeps her out and Wanderer goes home, the end.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
The Host Redux: Chapters 3 and 4
CHAPTER 3
Resisted
I don't know, I think when you can identify more with the villains of a story than either of the two leads, there's something wrong. I'm getting this huge urge right now to rewrite the story from her perspective and make her into a more sympathetic character. It will be like a sci-fi Wicked.
The Healer cut her off. “What is missing?” he asked. “Clearly, you've accessed speech.”
Thanks for stating the obvious.
“This host was part of the human resistance.” There was a hint of excitement in the Seeker's
voice now. “Those humans who were aware of us before insertion are more difficult to subdue.
This one still resists.”
There was a moment of silence while they waited for my response.
Resisting? The host was blocking my access? Again, the heat of my anger surprised me.
Wanderer is SO SLOW on the uptake. She tried to access memories, was blocked, felt anger that wasn't hers, and then the host SPECIFICALLY TALKED TO HER, and she's heard stories of hosts resisting and yet she STILL doesn't think that maybe, just maybe, the host is blocking her access to memories.
I opened them [her eyes] narrowly, keeping my eyelashes feathered over the breach.
This is quite possibly the dumbest and most unnecessary description of keeping your eyes half open that I have ever read in my life.
The walls were light green–a calming color, but also the color of sickness.
Duh, everyone knows BLUE is the calming colour. Green, for me, just calls to mind my great-baba's house. Which also had egg cartons on the ceiling, for whatever reason. But I digress.
“Um, yes.” He cleared his throat. “This was only the soul's second life. He came from Blind
World.”
“Blind World?” I asked, cocking my head to the side reflexively.
“Oh, sorry, you wouldn't know our nicknames. This was one of yours, though, was it not?” He
pulled a device from his pocket, a computer, and scanned quickly. “Yes, your seventh planet. In the eighty-first sector.”
“BlindWorld?” I said again, my voice now disapproving.
“Yes, well, some who have lived there prefer to call it the Singing World.”
I nodded slowly. I liked that better.
She's getting used to a new body, one that might be resisting, WHICH IS EXTREMELY RARE and she flips out about a very mildly possibly politically incorrect term? But I forget: Smeyer has some kind of obsession with making things as pretty and Lisa Frank-esque as possible.
I turned my eyes to her, feeling them narrow as my mind dredged up the appropriate image of
the ugly flying rodent she referred to.
Hey, bats are cute!
So anyway, now the Seeker, or possibly Fords (at this point, I don't really care) is telling Wanderer about a host who took back his body.
Would they think me weak as well?Was I weak, that I could not force this mind to answer my
questions? Weaker still, because her living thoughts had existed in my head where there should be nothing but memory? I'd always thought of myself as strong. This idea of weakness made me flinch. Made me feel shame.
This paragraph is HILARIOUS in light of what's to come. Wanderer, strong? Don't make me laugh.
So Wanderer is telling the Seeker what she knows about Melanie. Melanie is 20 and from New Mexico. She was looking for her cousin Sharon. And she may or may not have left a note. Then Wanderer asks, "Did they find Sharon?" but it was actually Melanie's question. Spooky.
I forgot how utterly tedious this book is.
We find out that the beautiful boy's name is Jared, but he is henceforth referred to as Pedobear because that's what I called him in my first recap and for other reasons that will become apparent.
CHAPTER 4
Dreamed
We're in a Melanie memory. She is hiding and she is hungry. She's stealing food from some Souls.
They keep our habits so perfectly, it's hard to see any difference. Which is how they won in the first place.
And thus we have the question that will haunt me throughout this reading: why travel light years through space and put in all the effort to take over a planet and then PROCEED TO DO THE EXACT SAME THINGS HUMANS WOULD DO? I get doing that while you're trying to remain incognito while in the process of taking over a planet, but after? What's the point? Like, later we have a soul who is a convenience store clerk. Why? I can hardly manage a minimum wage for two months of the summer, never mind travelling so friggin far to do it. Why bother?
I go by feel.
Wouldn't "I go by touch" sound more sophisticated and less amateurish? Oh right, this is Smeyer we're talking about.
“Do it,” I spit through my teeth. “Just do it. I don't want to be a filthy parasite!”
You'll be the host body. Not the parasite. DUH.
This whole part where she gets captured by this guy is so stupid. The guy calls her "clever" but why, I don't know. I guess what passes for "clever" in Smeyer's world is being able to string a few words together in a sentence. And despite the fact that he's trying to figure out whether or not she's a Seeker, and he mentions a trap, she STILL doesn't get it that he's NOT AN ALIEN.
"Feisty for a peace-loving body snatcher, aren't you?"
His words are nonsensical. I thought the aliens were all the same. I guess they have their nut
jobs, too, after all.
I twist and claw, trying to break his hold. My nails catch his arm, but this just makes him
tighten his hold on my throat.
"I will kill you, you worthless body thief. I'm not bluffing."
And she still doesn't get it.
Then he finally realizes that she's a human and he kisses her and she knees him in...the nuts, I'm guessing and I'm totally surprised and I REALLY hate to this say this but I feel I must: It's a little awesome.
But then she still doesn't believe that he's not an alien and I am forced to hate her again.
I can't believe I missed this the first time. She describes his eyes as "liquid sienna." LIQUID SIENNA. Oh, dammit, you guys. I was never really sure what sienna was, but I looked it up and PEDOBEAR'S EYES ARE YELLOW TOO, JUST LIKE EDWARD'S. That's NOT attractive. At all. I don't know WHAT her deal is with yellow eyes, but it's a little disconcerting.
And then he kisses her again. And then Wanderer wakes up from the dream. Wanderer sends an email to the Seeker, telling her about Jamie (Melanie's brother) and Melanie is all mad.
Resisted
I don't know, I think when you can identify more with the villains of a story than either of the two leads, there's something wrong. I'm getting this huge urge right now to rewrite the story from her perspective and make her into a more sympathetic character. It will be like a sci-fi Wicked.
The Healer cut her off. “What is missing?” he asked. “Clearly, you've accessed speech.”
Thanks for stating the obvious.
“This host was part of the human resistance.” There was a hint of excitement in the Seeker's
voice now. “Those humans who were aware of us before insertion are more difficult to subdue.
This one still resists.”
There was a moment of silence while they waited for my response.
Resisting? The host was blocking my access? Again, the heat of my anger surprised me.
Wanderer is SO SLOW on the uptake. She tried to access memories, was blocked, felt anger that wasn't hers, and then the host SPECIFICALLY TALKED TO HER, and she's heard stories of hosts resisting and yet she STILL doesn't think that maybe, just maybe, the host is blocking her access to memories.
I opened them [her eyes] narrowly, keeping my eyelashes feathered over the breach.
This is quite possibly the dumbest and most unnecessary description of keeping your eyes half open that I have ever read in my life.
The walls were light green–a calming color, but also the color of sickness.
Duh, everyone knows BLUE is the calming colour. Green, for me, just calls to mind my great-baba's house. Which also had egg cartons on the ceiling, for whatever reason. But I digress.
“Um, yes.” He cleared his throat. “This was only the soul's second life. He came from Blind
World.”
“Blind World?” I asked, cocking my head to the side reflexively.
“Oh, sorry, you wouldn't know our nicknames. This was one of yours, though, was it not?” He
pulled a device from his pocket, a computer, and scanned quickly. “Yes, your seventh planet. In the eighty-first sector.”
“BlindWorld?” I said again, my voice now disapproving.
“Yes, well, some who have lived there prefer to call it the Singing World.”
I nodded slowly. I liked that better.
She's getting used to a new body, one that might be resisting, WHICH IS EXTREMELY RARE and she flips out about a very mildly possibly politically incorrect term? But I forget: Smeyer has some kind of obsession with making things as pretty and Lisa Frank-esque as possible.
I turned my eyes to her, feeling them narrow as my mind dredged up the appropriate image of
the ugly flying rodent she referred to.
Hey, bats are cute!
So anyway, now the Seeker, or possibly Fords (at this point, I don't really care) is telling Wanderer about a host who took back his body.
Would they think me weak as well?Was I weak, that I could not force this mind to answer my
questions? Weaker still, because her living thoughts had existed in my head where there should be nothing but memory? I'd always thought of myself as strong. This idea of weakness made me flinch. Made me feel shame.
This paragraph is HILARIOUS in light of what's to come. Wanderer, strong? Don't make me laugh.
So Wanderer is telling the Seeker what she knows about Melanie. Melanie is 20 and from New Mexico. She was looking for her cousin Sharon. And she may or may not have left a note. Then Wanderer asks, "Did they find Sharon?" but it was actually Melanie's question. Spooky.
I forgot how utterly tedious this book is.
We find out that the beautiful boy's name is Jared, but he is henceforth referred to as Pedobear because that's what I called him in my first recap and for other reasons that will become apparent.
CHAPTER 4
Dreamed
We're in a Melanie memory. She is hiding and she is hungry. She's stealing food from some Souls.
They keep our habits so perfectly, it's hard to see any difference. Which is how they won in the first place.
And thus we have the question that will haunt me throughout this reading: why travel light years through space and put in all the effort to take over a planet and then PROCEED TO DO THE EXACT SAME THINGS HUMANS WOULD DO? I get doing that while you're trying to remain incognito while in the process of taking over a planet, but after? What's the point? Like, later we have a soul who is a convenience store clerk. Why? I can hardly manage a minimum wage for two months of the summer, never mind travelling so friggin far to do it. Why bother?
I go by feel.
Wouldn't "I go by touch" sound more sophisticated and less amateurish? Oh right, this is Smeyer we're talking about.
“Do it,” I spit through my teeth. “Just do it. I don't want to be a filthy parasite!”
You'll be the host body. Not the parasite. DUH.
This whole part where she gets captured by this guy is so stupid. The guy calls her "clever" but why, I don't know. I guess what passes for "clever" in Smeyer's world is being able to string a few words together in a sentence. And despite the fact that he's trying to figure out whether or not she's a Seeker, and he mentions a trap, she STILL doesn't get it that he's NOT AN ALIEN.
"Feisty for a peace-loving body snatcher, aren't you?"
His words are nonsensical. I thought the aliens were all the same. I guess they have their nut
jobs, too, after all.
I twist and claw, trying to break his hold. My nails catch his arm, but this just makes him
tighten his hold on my throat.
"I will kill you, you worthless body thief. I'm not bluffing."
And she still doesn't get it.
Then he finally realizes that she's a human and he kisses her and she knees him in...the nuts, I'm guessing and I'm totally surprised and I REALLY hate to this say this but I feel I must: It's a little awesome.
But then she still doesn't believe that he's not an alien and I am forced to hate her again.
I can't believe I missed this the first time. She describes his eyes as "liquid sienna." LIQUID SIENNA. Oh, dammit, you guys. I was never really sure what sienna was, but I looked it up and PEDOBEAR'S EYES ARE YELLOW TOO, JUST LIKE EDWARD'S. That's NOT attractive. At all. I don't know WHAT her deal is with yellow eyes, but it's a little disconcerting.
And then he kisses her again. And then Wanderer wakes up from the dream. Wanderer sends an email to the Seeker, telling her about Jamie (Melanie's brother) and Melanie is all mad.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
The Host Redux: Prologue, Chapters 1 and 2
Okay, so I've done The Host before, but that was before I got into the swing of things and also before I realized how abysmal Smeyer's writing really was. I think this deserves a second round of snarkage. As a result, some of the jokes will be recycled, but truthfully, I'm probably the only one who will notice. So without further ado, your recap.
OH GAWD HELP ME. The cover of the book has a girl on it and whenever I open the book from Limewire, it's sized to like, 500% for whatever reason AND THE EYE IS STARING AT ME IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO FOREVER.
NOT FOR SALE
This PDF File was created for educational, scholarly, and Internet
archival use ONLY.
With utmost respect and courtesy to the author, NO money or profit will ever be made
from this text or its distribution.
Educational and scholarly uses? How can this be educational? "Always let men decide what you should do, because women are little and weak and can't do things by themselves."
Yeah, I'm not going to try to profit from this book, but not because I have respect for the author. It's because I don't want to subject anyone else to this horror.
The characters and events in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or
dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
I would sure hope so. If anyone this book was actually REAL I would probably punch them in the throat.
PROLOGUE
Inserted
Heh. Inserted.
Oh shit, you guys! I never noticed this before because I did this recap before any of the Twilight ones, but SHE'S FINALLY FIGURED OUT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A PREFACE AND A PROLOGUE! Thank God for that, because it bothered me every time I saw the word "preface" at the beginning of her books and it was not, in fact, a note from the author, but a prologue.
We are introduced to Fords Deep Waters, and whenever I see the name I can't help but think of Ford from Hitchhiker's Guide OH NO MUST NOT SULLY HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE. Anyway, Fords is a healer. He is, in fact, something called a Soul, which means he is "all things good: compassionate, patient, honest, virtuous, and full of love." Or as I like to call it, a race of Sues!
Fords is inserting a soul into the body of a human girl. The first time I read this I thought she was dead and was brought back to life somehow, but I guess she is still alive. But this isn't made clear, just like a lot of Smeyer's plot points.
At the word Seeker, Fords gave Darren a look that could only be described as a glare.
You know, there are many authors who say something to the effect of "cut out any unnecessary words." Authors like Mark Twain and George Orwell. But of course Smeyer is better, and she has to keep her prose as purple as possible. It's not enough to say "Fords glared at Darren." No, it was a look that could only be described as a glare. Despite the fact that saying "Fords glared" is in itself a description of a glare and now I'm going round and round in circles and "glare" doesn't even look like a word anymore.
“This soul was specially picked for the assignment,” Darren said soothingly. “She is exceptional
among our kind–braver than most."
They're referring to the soul that they are currently inserting. Or as I like to call her, Mary Sue.
Ha ha, every time I see the name "Darren" I think of Darren Shan. Maybe this book will unexpectedly veer into vampire territory after all.
Though they were all lovely, this one seemed particularly graceful to Fords Deep
Waters.
He was not alone in his reaction. He heard Darren's soft sigh, heard the admiring murmurs of
the students.
Definitely a Sue.
CHAPTER 1
Remembered
So the soul (whose name is Wanderer) wakes up and is getting accustomed to the body that she is possessing. She experiences her host body's last moments. She is running, she's failed at something, something called Seekers are coming after her, and she jumps down an elevator shaft. Fascinating stuff.
Some had more fur lower down on the jaw; those were always males.
Not always, Wanderer. Not always. I was on the bus and I saw this chick with a full mustache and a scraggly beard. It was...interesting. I also saw this other chick on the bus with thick, Elvis sideburns. Buses are interesting places.
In her host body's memory, Wanderer sees the face of a man. And:
I knew nothing of what passed for beauty among these strangers, and yet I knew that this face was beautiful. I wanted to keep looking at it.
Edward? Is that you? Why does EVERY SINGLE MALE have to be beautiful? She's like Laurell K. Hamilton in that she has some kind of strange fetish for girly men.
Think about this: she has NO IDEA what is beautiful to humans. Just like we don't know what passes for beauty in the world of, say, praying mantises. And yet with NO frame of reference, she considers this face beautiful. THAT'S HOW STRIKINGLY BEAUTIFUL THIS GUY IS.
Mine,spoke the alien thought that should not have existed.
This sentence bugged me last time I read it, for a few reasons. First, but not as foremost, is the feeling of possession. I guess it's acceptable, and anywhere else it wouldn't bother me, but with Smeyer's history of portraying love as abuse and intense feelings of possession, this bothers me. Second, a thought can't SPEAK. That's why it's a THOUGHT.
CHAPTER 2
Overheard
“I know,” the man admitted. “She is very strong. Others have had much more trauma, with
much less cause.”
Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue.
The Seeker (okay, I'll explain it right here: They catch wild humans) mentions Chicago (Dresden!). If you were taking over a new planet, would you keep all the place names? If I was colonizing a city, I'd want it to be in English, not like, Arxons283 or whatever. More on the pointlessness of the alien invasion later.
Fords is bitching at the Seeker for using violence to catch humans. It seems like the Seeker is getting the Therese treatment. Let me explain. In For Better or For Worse, Anthony is married to Therese. Lynn Johnston was doing everything she could to push Anthony and Elizabeth together, including making Therese a horrible monster who (gasp) didn't want children and had ambition. The Seeker is portrayed as horrible for using violence but as far as I can tell, we never actually SEE her doing anything explicitly bad. It's all hearsay. Let's look at it from her point of view. The Souls took over Earth and she's doing everything she can to ensure the safety of her species. I mean, I don't condone alien invasion and xenocide, but if I was in her place I would probably do the same thing.
A damaged host would have been disposed of.
Argh, I forgot how often she ends her sentences with prepositions.
Storytelling was the most honored of all talents, for it benefited everyone.
Ho ho, I SEE WHAT YOU DID THAR. Let me just say, Smeyer, that the only way your storytelling benefits me is if I get to make fun of it.
Souls who took on the personality of the body, rather than the other way around. Stories. Wild rumors. Madness.
Madness? THIS! IS! SPARTA!
Most believed that only the least civilized souls, the least evolved, the lesser among us, would be drawn to the path of Seeker.
Hey now, I'm feeling a bit offended on behalf of the Seekers. Their profession is totally legit, and certainly more interesting than TRAVELLING LIGHT YEARS TO BE A CONVENIENCE STORE CLERK. More on that later, but I promise I'm not kidding.
So now Wanderer is looking through her body's memories to get information. The girl was looking for a cousin, and then the host body freezes her out. The end, for now.
OH GAWD HELP ME. The cover of the book has a girl on it and whenever I open the book from Limewire, it's sized to like, 500% for whatever reason AND THE EYE IS STARING AT ME IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO FOREVER.
NOT FOR SALE
This PDF File was created for educational, scholarly, and Internet
archival use ONLY.
With utmost respect and courtesy to the author, NO money or profit will ever be made
from this text or its distribution.
Educational and scholarly uses? How can this be educational? "Always let men decide what you should do, because women are little and weak and can't do things by themselves."
Yeah, I'm not going to try to profit from this book, but not because I have respect for the author. It's because I don't want to subject anyone else to this horror.
The characters and events in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or
dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
I would sure hope so. If anyone this book was actually REAL I would probably punch them in the throat.
PROLOGUE
Inserted
Heh. Inserted.
Oh shit, you guys! I never noticed this before because I did this recap before any of the Twilight ones, but SHE'S FINALLY FIGURED OUT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A PREFACE AND A PROLOGUE! Thank God for that, because it bothered me every time I saw the word "preface" at the beginning of her books and it was not, in fact, a note from the author, but a prologue.
We are introduced to Fords Deep Waters, and whenever I see the name I can't help but think of Ford from Hitchhiker's Guide OH NO MUST NOT SULLY HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE. Anyway, Fords is a healer. He is, in fact, something called a Soul, which means he is "all things good: compassionate, patient, honest, virtuous, and full of love." Or as I like to call it, a race of Sues!
Fords is inserting a soul into the body of a human girl. The first time I read this I thought she was dead and was brought back to life somehow, but I guess she is still alive. But this isn't made clear, just like a lot of Smeyer's plot points.
At the word Seeker, Fords gave Darren a look that could only be described as a glare.
You know, there are many authors who say something to the effect of "cut out any unnecessary words." Authors like Mark Twain and George Orwell. But of course Smeyer is better, and she has to keep her prose as purple as possible. It's not enough to say "Fords glared at Darren." No, it was a look that could only be described as a glare. Despite the fact that saying "Fords glared" is in itself a description of a glare and now I'm going round and round in circles and "glare" doesn't even look like a word anymore.
“This soul was specially picked for the assignment,” Darren said soothingly. “She is exceptional
among our kind–braver than most."
They're referring to the soul that they are currently inserting. Or as I like to call her, Mary Sue.
Ha ha, every time I see the name "Darren" I think of Darren Shan. Maybe this book will unexpectedly veer into vampire territory after all.
Though they were all lovely, this one seemed particularly graceful to Fords Deep
Waters.
He was not alone in his reaction. He heard Darren's soft sigh, heard the admiring murmurs of
the students.
Definitely a Sue.
CHAPTER 1
Remembered
So the soul (whose name is Wanderer) wakes up and is getting accustomed to the body that she is possessing. She experiences her host body's last moments. She is running, she's failed at something, something called Seekers are coming after her, and she jumps down an elevator shaft. Fascinating stuff.
Some had more fur lower down on the jaw; those were always males.
Not always, Wanderer. Not always. I was on the bus and I saw this chick with a full mustache and a scraggly beard. It was...interesting. I also saw this other chick on the bus with thick, Elvis sideburns. Buses are interesting places.
In her host body's memory, Wanderer sees the face of a man. And:
I knew nothing of what passed for beauty among these strangers, and yet I knew that this face was beautiful. I wanted to keep looking at it.
Edward? Is that you? Why does EVERY SINGLE MALE have to be beautiful? She's like Laurell K. Hamilton in that she has some kind of strange fetish for girly men.
Think about this: she has NO IDEA what is beautiful to humans. Just like we don't know what passes for beauty in the world of, say, praying mantises. And yet with NO frame of reference, she considers this face beautiful. THAT'S HOW STRIKINGLY BEAUTIFUL THIS GUY IS.
Mine,spoke the alien thought that should not have existed.
This sentence bugged me last time I read it, for a few reasons. First, but not as foremost, is the feeling of possession. I guess it's acceptable, and anywhere else it wouldn't bother me, but with Smeyer's history of portraying love as abuse and intense feelings of possession, this bothers me. Second, a thought can't SPEAK. That's why it's a THOUGHT.
CHAPTER 2
Overheard
“I know,” the man admitted. “She is very strong. Others have had much more trauma, with
much less cause.”
Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue.
The Seeker (okay, I'll explain it right here: They catch wild humans) mentions Chicago (Dresden!). If you were taking over a new planet, would you keep all the place names? If I was colonizing a city, I'd want it to be in English, not like, Arxons283 or whatever. More on the pointlessness of the alien invasion later.
Fords is bitching at the Seeker for using violence to catch humans. It seems like the Seeker is getting the Therese treatment. Let me explain. In For Better or For Worse, Anthony is married to Therese. Lynn Johnston was doing everything she could to push Anthony and Elizabeth together, including making Therese a horrible monster who (gasp) didn't want children and had ambition. The Seeker is portrayed as horrible for using violence but as far as I can tell, we never actually SEE her doing anything explicitly bad. It's all hearsay. Let's look at it from her point of view. The Souls took over Earth and she's doing everything she can to ensure the safety of her species. I mean, I don't condone alien invasion and xenocide, but if I was in her place I would probably do the same thing.
A damaged host would have been disposed of.
Argh, I forgot how often she ends her sentences with prepositions.
Storytelling was the most honored of all talents, for it benefited everyone.
Ho ho, I SEE WHAT YOU DID THAR. Let me just say, Smeyer, that the only way your storytelling benefits me is if I get to make fun of it.
Souls who took on the personality of the body, rather than the other way around. Stories. Wild rumors. Madness.
Madness? THIS! IS! SPARTA!
Most believed that only the least civilized souls, the least evolved, the lesser among us, would be drawn to the path of Seeker.
Hey now, I'm feeling a bit offended on behalf of the Seekers. Their profession is totally legit, and certainly more interesting than TRAVELLING LIGHT YEARS TO BE A CONVENIENCE STORE CLERK. More on that later, but I promise I'm not kidding.
So now Wanderer is looking through her body's memories to get information. The girl was looking for a cousin, and then the host body freezes her out. The end, for now.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Twilight Chapter 17 to the End
Chapter 17- The Game
You just lost.
Yes, Edward/Billy STAREDOWN.
These chapters are going to be kind of skimpy because I have a lot and I tend to fade really fast after one. So yeah, Billy’s all, “The Cullens are bad, stay away.”
He had found the weak chink in my armor.
I don’t think this is right. A chink is a hole, right? So how can there be a weak hole, as opposed to a strong one?
"You are going out with Edward Cullen?" he thundered.
Uh-oh. "I thought you liked the Cullens."
"He's too old for you," he ranted.
"We're both juniors," I corrected, though he was more right than he dreamed.
"Wait…" He paused. "Which one is Edwin?"
Not every sentence has to have a tag, Smeyer. Also, I thought they were in grade 12 in this one. Damn, and I was so happy about realizing that Smeyer made another continuity error. Oh well.
"Edward is the youngest, the one with the reddish brown hair." The beautiful one, the godlike one…
Save it.
I thought Charlie knew all about the Cullens, and now he’s getting Edward’s name wrong.
I tried to find the right places for all the buckles to fit, but it wasn't going too quickly. He sighed again and reached over to help me.
Here’s the father/daughter thing again. The more I think about this, the more creeped out I am. I’m sure she’s not doing it consciously but still. It’s weird.
"This is a… um… big Jeep you have."
Man, that sounds like a euphemism. Too bad Smeyer doesn’t know what that is.
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck:
"Hmmm…" he mused as he quickly finished. "It seems I'm going to have to tamper with your memory."
Before I could react, he pulled me from the Jeep and set my feet on the ground.
It was barely misting now; Alice was going to be right.
"Tamper with my memory?" I asked nervously.
"Something like that." He was watching me intently, carefully, but there was humor deep in his eyes. He placed his hands against the Jeep on either side of my head and leaned forward, forcing me to press back against the door. He leaned in even closer, his face inches from mine. I had no room to escape.
"Now," he breathed, and just his smell disturbed my thought processes, "what exactly are you worrying about?"
"Well, um, hitting a tree —" I gulped "— and dying. And then getting sick."
He fought back a smile. Then he bent his head down and touched his cold lips softly to the hollow at the base of my throat.
"Are you still worried now?" he murmured against my skin.
"Yes." I struggled to concentrate. "About hitting trees and getting sick."
His nose drew a line up the skin of my throat to the point of my chin. His cold breath tickled my skin.
"And now?" His lips whispered against my jaw.
"Trees," I gasped. "Motion sickness."
He lifted his face to kiss my eyelids. "Bella, you don't really think I would hit a tree, do you?"
"No, but I might." There was no confidence in my voice. He smelled an easy victory.
He kissed slowly down my cheek, stopping just at the corner of my mouth.
"Would I let a tree hurt you?" His lips barely brushed against my trembling lower lip.
"No," I breathed. I knew there was a second part to my brilliant defense, but I couldn't quite call it back.
"You see," he said, his lips moving against mine. "There's nothing to be afraid of, is there?"
"No," I sighed, giving up.
Dear Jesus, save me.
Also, I’m confused as to how smelling good = eternal love? I’m not talking about the fact that that seems to be the only reason Edward loves her. How do you get feelings of lust from someone smelling good? Some of my guy friends smell really good but I don’t want to jump them immediately. My dog’s paws smell really good (like Fritos) but I’m not suddenly afflicted with bestiality. I’m just so confused.
"Damn it, Bella!" he broke off, gasping. "You'll be the death of me, I swear you will."
Holy SHIT, he swore!
I can’t remember if I mentioned the piggybacks when I was talking about the Freudian aspect of Edward and Bella’s relationship, but yeah. There are piggybacks.
Edward goes into a frenzy of self-loathing. Yay.
"Now, please try to behave yourself," he continued, and he bent to softly brush
his lips against mine.
I held properly still. Then I sighed.
This is so Victorian. Just lay back and think of England!
Alice is always dancing and skipping and shit. How exactly do you dance everywhere? Like, I imagine her twirling and stuff, but that would be pretty inconvenient.
Well, this is a great date, Edward. I’m sure ANY girl would just LOVE to watch you a guy play baseball with his family. Sign me up.
She laughed, too. "Well, I do think of them as my children in most ways. I never could get over my mothering instincts — did Edward tell you I had lost a child?"
"No," I murmured, stunned, scrambling to understand what lifetime she was remembering.
"Yes, my first and only baby. He died just a few days after he was born, the poor tiny thing," she sighed. "It broke my heart — that's why I jumped off the cliff, you know," she added matter-of-factly.
Way to be a buzz kill there, Esme. I’m not going to go into the extreme importance of children to everyone in the Twiverse, since I probably touched on that in Breaking Dawn. But it still annoys me. I thought Bella was going to actually be different, but no, once she got pregnant, Renesmee was all important. Although it seemed like in Breaking Dawn she neglected her a lot. But I digress.
"That's why I'm so happy that he's found you,
dear." The endearment sounded very natural on her lips. "He's been the odd man out for far too long; it's hurt me to see him alone."
Because the most important thing in life (next to having children) is to find a significant other!
This part of the movie was hilarious. The vampires. Are playing BASEBALL. And I love how they all got uniforms made up. I love to hate the books because they fill me with rage most of the time, but I just genuinely love the movie. How can I hate something that makes me laugh SO HARD? I think I love it more than Body Rock.
He sprinted to my side, sparkling with excitement.
Well, sparkling is his default setting.
It’s really really boring having a male lead with no flaws. He’s like a Ken doll. If I didn’t read Breaking Dawn, I would assume he was like a Ken doll downstairs, too.
Alice slapped them dainty high fives.
Someone please explain to me how high fives can be dainty?
Hey, look! Is that PLOT I detect?
"How many?" Emmett asked Alice.
"Three," she answered tersely.
"Three!" he scoffed. "Let them come." The steel bands of muscle flexed along
his massive arms.
I love you, Emmett.
So yeah, the three vamps are coming. Let’s talk: how HOT was Cam Gigandet in the movie? Too bad James dies. Cam just has the perfect amount of slime to him, which I imagined he honed by playing Volchak on The OC. I have a strange love for the guy who played Laurent, probably only because he reminds me of Don Cheadle. And of course, the girl who plays Victoria, who seems very sweet and funny in interviews, and has great hair.
"Take your hair down," Edward said in a low, even voice.
I obediently slid the rubber band out of my hair and shook it out around me.
You dumb shit. They can smell her hair BETTER, now.
Chapter 18- The Hunt
I thought vampires were all supposed to be beautiful to attract prey, yet here are the three new vampires:
Vamp 1: Beautiful, medium build.
Vamp 2: Red hair, wild, catlike.
Vamp 3: Nondescript.
Yeah, okay.
"Why don't you come back to our home with us and we can talk comfortably?"
Carlisle invited. "It's a rather long story."
NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO HAVE A TAG.
Why do vampires have to kill when they feed? They don’t have to DRAIN them. I’m sure if they just took the same amount that people love whenever they give blood, that would work. Henry Fitzroy never kills when he feeds.
Why are the Cullens suddenly intensely loyal to Bella? I get Edward, Esme, and Carlisle, and to a lesser extent Alice, but why the others? Rosalie hates her, and Emmett and Jasper are just neutral towards her. Plus she’s a whiny bitch.
"Dammit, Edward! Where are you taking me?"
I forgot how much swearing for a Smeyer novel there is in this one.
All the vamps are talking about what to do with Bella as if she’s not there. Well, I would expect nothing less from a Smeyer novel.
"He's no match for us, Edward. He won't be able to touch her."
"He'll wait."
Emmett smiled. "I can wait, too."
"You didn't see — you don't understand. Once he commits to a hunt, he's unshakable. We'd have to kill him."
Emmett didn't seem upset by the idea. "That's an option."
Where is Emmett and Jasper’s spinoff? I love Emmett so much. And why DON’T they just kill James? It’s six against three. They would win, especially with Edward’s magical Gary Stu powers.
I broke it. "Does anyone want to hear my plan?"
"No," Edward growled.
Fuck you, Edward.
"You take me back. I tell my dad I want to go
home to Phoenix. I pack my bags. We wait till this tracker is watching, and then we run. He'll follow us and leave Charlie alone. Charlie won't call the FBI on your family. Then you can take me any damned place you want."
And then what? Bella drops out of school? Lives with the vamps? Charlie and Renee would send the cops after her once they figure out she’s not with the other parent. Way to have foresight.
The unintelligible stream of profanities started again.
“Darn. Shoot. Dang! HOLY CROW!”
"Listen, Charlie's not an imbecile," I protested.
Who uses the word ‘imbecile’?
I tried to be persuasive. "Hang out here for a week —" I saw his expression in
the mirror and amended "— a few days. Let Charlie see you haven't kidnapped
me, and lead this James on a wild-goose chase. Make sure he's completely off
my trail. Then come and meet me. Take a roundabout route, of course, and then
Jasper and Alice can go home."
And then what are you going to do to James? These are important questions.
I also particularly love how Smeyer has to shoehorn Phoenix in somewhere. They’re going to Phoenix to escape from James. In The Host, Wanderer was going to Chicago to see her healer and then she just offhandedly remarks that he moved to Phoenix and then she went there. It was hilarious.
So, I guess her plan is just to live in Phoenix. Quit school? Do nothing? I don’t get her life plan here.
"If you let anything happen to yourself— anything at all — I'm
holding you personally responsible. Do you understand that?"
Fuck you.
Chapter 19- Goodbyes
This part always makes me sad. I love Charlie.
Lololol, UNINTENTIONAL E-BOOK HILARITY:
"I'm going borne," I shouted, my voice breaking in the perfect spot.
I’m not too sure what that means. She’s like, pulling a Jason Bourne? She’s going to start shooting things and being awesome? Oh shit, forgot this was a Smeyer novel. It’s supposed to say, “home” of course.
"I broke up with him!" I shouted back, jerking on the zipper of my bag. Edward's
capable hands pushed mine away and zipped it smoothly. He put the strap
carefully over my arm.
Why does he have to do EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING for her?
CHARLIE I LOVE YOU CHARLIE DON’T BE SAD.
I repeated my mother's last words as she'd walked out
this same door so many years ago. I said them as angrily as I could manage, and
I threw the door open. "It didn't work out, okay? I really, really hate Forks!"
Those are some intense last words. They also curiously sound like something a thirteen year old would say.
Plain, nondescript little Bella is insanely tempting to EVERY SINGLE VAMPIRE EVER. And EVERY SINGLE MALE HUMAN EVER.
"How can you kill a vampire?"
He glanced at me with unreadable eyes and his voice was suddenly harsh. "The
only way to be sure is to tear him to shreds, and then burn the pieces."
“We cut off her head and drove a stake through her heart and burned her, and then she was at peace.”
"Yes. He won't attack the house, though. Not tonight."
I thought “house” said “horse” and I got a mental image of James attacking a horse but the horse was indestructible.
"Go in peace," was Carlisle's formal answer.
Wtf?
"Get her upstairs and trade clothes," Edward commanded. She [Rosalie] stared back at him with livid disbelief.
"Why should I?" she hissed. "What is she to me? Except a menace — a danger you've chosen to inflict on all of us."
She’s the only one who is actually reacting realistically. Why ARE they all bending over backwards to protect her?
Does Bella have to be carried EVERYWHERE?
Jasper and I looked at each other. He stood across the length of the entryway
from me… being careful.
"You're wrong, you know," he said quietly.
"What?" I gasped.
"I can feel what you're feeling now — and you are worth it."
DON’T LISTEN TO HIM, BELLA! YOU AREN’T WORTH IT!
Chapter 20- Impatience
Somehow, during the long night, my head had ended up against her granite neck.
Because it’s super comfortable to sleep on rocks!
I don’t want to recap anymore :( After this, John Ringo will be a relief.
She smiled a wide, ominous smile. "We have another fairly superfluous weapon. We're also venomous," she said, her teeth glistening. "The venom doesn't kill —it's merely incapacitating. It works slowly, spreading through the bloodstream,
so that, once bitten, our prey is in too much physical pain to escape us. Mostly superfluous, as I said. If we're that close, the prey doesn't escape. Of course, there are always exceptions. Carlisle, for example."
So I’m confused. All the bodily fluids of the vampires are replaced by venom. So how come kissing or having sex with Edward doesn’t hurt Bella? Or if she touches him when he happens to get sweaty? (Although of course, sweat is unattractive, so of course he wouldn’t SWEAT).
Bloodlust is one word.
The infodumps come fast and furious in this book.
"I miss you," I whispered.
"I know, Bella. Believe me, I know. It's like you've taken half my self away with
you."
"Come and get it, then," I challenged.
I want to die.
Chapter 21- Phone Call
So James has kidnapped Renee and is giving Bella instructions.
I’m confused. Bella makes the decision to go to the ballet studio, but Alice doesn’t see it. I love how her power comes and goes as it is convenient.
And then I carefully sealed away my heart.
ARGH.
Chapter 22- Hide and Seek
Okay, never mind, I think Alice does see.
What James is doing isn’t really hunting. Well I guess luring is part of hunting, but I thought TRACKING was his obsession, not being a tricky bastard. He’s didn’t really track at all. He heard they were going to Phoenix and then he went to Phoenix and laid the trap.
PSYCH. Renee’s not there at all. It’s just a VIDEO.
And suddenly it hit me. My mother was safe. She was still in Florida. She'd never gotten my message.
Ha ha ha ha ha. I love how it takes her so long. James has to TELL HER. The lack of Renee in the studio and the video with the same dialogue she heard on the phone didn’t tip her off.
STOP STEREOTYPICAL VILLAIN SOLILOQUYING, JAMES, KTHX.
Blah blah blah James filibuster blah.
This is the dumbest thing ever. Smeyer gave an EXTREMELY flimsy excuse for why James is so obsessed with Bella.
James, JUST STFU ALREADY, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. This is WORSE THAN POIROT'S EXPLANATION OF THE CRIME AT THE END OF EVERY SINGLE AGATHA CHRISTIE BOOK. At least Poirot is ENTERTAINING and not annoying.
Hey. Remember how I said the Alice thing was never explained? Apparently I forgot about this part. This vampire stole Alice away from the asylum where she was put there for seeing visions and then made her into a vampire. Why she doesn't remember any of this, THAT was never explained.
Bored now.
Yay, Bella's getting beat up!
I get a kind of sick satisfaction out of her legs getting broken.
That's the end of the recaps I need to know but I'm just going to finish up right now.
Chapter 23- The Angel
Three guesses as to who she's talking about, and the first two don't count.
Because, through the heavy water, I heard the sound of an angel calling my
name, calling me to the only heaven I wanted.
It's been awhile since I've had no words, but yeah. I have no words.
"Bella, you're going to be fine. Can you hear me, Bella? I love you."
Yeah Edward, that's going to make her feel better when HER LEG IS BROKEN.
This is such a cheap cop out. We don't even get to see any real fighting.
James bit her so Edward has to suck out the venom. It's dangerous to suck the venom out.
http://www.popularmechanics.com/technology/industry/1286246.html
If he was sucking out the venom, wouldn't his tongue be touching the wound, thus making her injury worse?
"I love you," he answered.
"I know," I breathed, so tired.
NO. NO NO NO NO NO. NO STEALING STAR WARS DIALOGUE ASHDFHALSIDGS;ADKFLGIYF
I sighed. "He tricked me, Edward. He watched our videos."
Well, that's not too hard to do, now is it?
Chapter 24- An Impasse
"You fell down two flights of stairs and through a window." He paused. "You
have to admit, it could happen."
Well, what kind of place would have two flights of stairs in succession and then a ginormous window at the end?
"I didn't like it [blood transfusions] — it made you smell all wrong for a while."
Well Edward, next time she gets attacked by a vampire and desperately needs blood, she'll just hold off on that to make you happy.
He sighed without returning my gaze. "It was impossible… to stop," he
whispered. "Impossible. But I did." He looked up finally, with half a smile.
Obviously, if you stopped then IT WASN'T IMPOSSIBLE.
"What should I apologize for?"
"For very nearly taking yourself away from me forever."
"I'm sorry," I apologized again.
Is she honestly apologizing for getting hurt?
Oh, OH THE MOST LUDICROUS PART EVER:
He leaned in slowly; the beeping noise accelerated wildly before his lips even
touched me. But when they did, though with the most gentle of pressure, the
beeping stopped altogether.
HE KISSES HER AND HER HEART FUCKING STOPS GODDAMMIT HER HEART STOPS SHIT THIS IS SO SO SO SO STUPID SHIT HER FUCKING HEART FUCKING STOPS I CANNOT FUCKING BELIEVE THIS.
Ah, Tourette's swearing.
"Don't leave me," I cried, an irrational surge of panic flooding through me. I
couldn't let him go — he might disappear from me again.
She's so pathetic.
"They had to keep you sedated for a while, honey — you've got a lot of injuries."
Ba ba baba ba ba ba ba ba I wanna be sedated!
"Well, he seems very nice, and, my goodness, he's incredibly good-looking, but
you're so young, Bella…"
So she has problems with her DATING him, but when it comes time to get married she's all gung ho. I don't understand.
"Don't leave me," I begged in a broken voice.
Please die now.
"I'll be the first to admit that I have no experience with relationships," I said.
"But it just seems logical… a man and woman have to be somewhat equal… as
in, one of them can't always be swooping in and saving the other one. They have
to save each other equally."
He folded his arms on the side of my bed and rested his chin on his arms. His
expression was smooth, the anger reined in. Evidently he'd decided he wasn't
angry with me. I hoped I'd get a chance to warn Alice before he caught up with
her.
"You have saved me," he said quietly.
"I can't always be Lois Lane," I insisted. "I want to be Superman, too."
Smeyer is just so delightfully cracked out. Bella's all talking about equality when it's obvious they're not equal at all and DEAR GOD DO NOT TAINT SUPERMAN PLEASE.
"Charlie?" he asked curtly. "Renée?"
Minutes passed in silence as I struggled to answer his question. I opened my
mouth, but no sound came out. I closed it again. He waited, and his expression
became triumphant because he knew I had no true answer.
"Look, that's not an issue either," I finally muttered; my voice was as
unconvincing as it always was when I lied. "Renée has always made the choices
that work for her — she'd want me to do the same. And Charlie's resilient, he's
used to being on his own. I can't take care of them forever. I have my own life to
live."
Of COURSE her parents aren't an issue. Why would there be conflict at all?
He rolled his eyes and set his lips. "Bella, we're not having this discussion
anymore. I refuse to damn you to an eternity of night and that's the end of it."
An eternity of night? They can go out in the daylight, don't lie.
Stop fucking chuckling.
Epilogue: An Occasion
Blah blah prom blah blah blah blah Edward pulls an asshole move and pretends to turn Bella but he really doesn't blah blah blah.
Acknowledgements: ...my editor Megan Tingley, for all her help in
making Twilight better than it started out;
Two things off here. 1) If this is better than it started out, I shudder to think what Twilight was like before it was "edited". 2) She actually has an EDITOR? Seriously? I was sure that she didn't. She must be the worst fucking editor ever.
And so this is the end of the Twilight saga. Thank you for those of you who took this ride with me. I lost a quarter of my brain cells. You're welcome.
You just lost.
Yes, Edward/Billy STAREDOWN.
These chapters are going to be kind of skimpy because I have a lot and I tend to fade really fast after one. So yeah, Billy’s all, “The Cullens are bad, stay away.”
He had found the weak chink in my armor.
I don’t think this is right. A chink is a hole, right? So how can there be a weak hole, as opposed to a strong one?
"You are going out with Edward Cullen?" he thundered.
Uh-oh. "I thought you liked the Cullens."
"He's too old for you," he ranted.
"We're both juniors," I corrected, though he was more right than he dreamed.
"Wait…" He paused. "Which one is Edwin?"
Not every sentence has to have a tag, Smeyer. Also, I thought they were in grade 12 in this one. Damn, and I was so happy about realizing that Smeyer made another continuity error. Oh well.
"Edward is the youngest, the one with the reddish brown hair." The beautiful one, the godlike one…
Save it.
I thought Charlie knew all about the Cullens, and now he’s getting Edward’s name wrong.
I tried to find the right places for all the buckles to fit, but it wasn't going too quickly. He sighed again and reached over to help me.
Here’s the father/daughter thing again. The more I think about this, the more creeped out I am. I’m sure she’s not doing it consciously but still. It’s weird.
"This is a… um… big Jeep you have."
Man, that sounds like a euphemism. Too bad Smeyer doesn’t know what that is.
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck:
"Hmmm…" he mused as he quickly finished. "It seems I'm going to have to tamper with your memory."
Before I could react, he pulled me from the Jeep and set my feet on the ground.
It was barely misting now; Alice was going to be right.
"Tamper with my memory?" I asked nervously.
"Something like that." He was watching me intently, carefully, but there was humor deep in his eyes. He placed his hands against the Jeep on either side of my head and leaned forward, forcing me to press back against the door. He leaned in even closer, his face inches from mine. I had no room to escape.
"Now," he breathed, and just his smell disturbed my thought processes, "what exactly are you worrying about?"
"Well, um, hitting a tree —" I gulped "— and dying. And then getting sick."
He fought back a smile. Then he bent his head down and touched his cold lips softly to the hollow at the base of my throat.
"Are you still worried now?" he murmured against my skin.
"Yes." I struggled to concentrate. "About hitting trees and getting sick."
His nose drew a line up the skin of my throat to the point of my chin. His cold breath tickled my skin.
"And now?" His lips whispered against my jaw.
"Trees," I gasped. "Motion sickness."
He lifted his face to kiss my eyelids. "Bella, you don't really think I would hit a tree, do you?"
"No, but I might." There was no confidence in my voice. He smelled an easy victory.
He kissed slowly down my cheek, stopping just at the corner of my mouth.
"Would I let a tree hurt you?" His lips barely brushed against my trembling lower lip.
"No," I breathed. I knew there was a second part to my brilliant defense, but I couldn't quite call it back.
"You see," he said, his lips moving against mine. "There's nothing to be afraid of, is there?"
"No," I sighed, giving up.
Dear Jesus, save me.
Also, I’m confused as to how smelling good = eternal love? I’m not talking about the fact that that seems to be the only reason Edward loves her. How do you get feelings of lust from someone smelling good? Some of my guy friends smell really good but I don’t want to jump them immediately. My dog’s paws smell really good (like Fritos) but I’m not suddenly afflicted with bestiality. I’m just so confused.
"Damn it, Bella!" he broke off, gasping. "You'll be the death of me, I swear you will."
Holy SHIT, he swore!
I can’t remember if I mentioned the piggybacks when I was talking about the Freudian aspect of Edward and Bella’s relationship, but yeah. There are piggybacks.
Edward goes into a frenzy of self-loathing. Yay.
"Now, please try to behave yourself," he continued, and he bent to softly brush
his lips against mine.
I held properly still. Then I sighed.
This is so Victorian. Just lay back and think of England!
Alice is always dancing and skipping and shit. How exactly do you dance everywhere? Like, I imagine her twirling and stuff, but that would be pretty inconvenient.
Well, this is a great date, Edward. I’m sure ANY girl would just LOVE to watch you a guy play baseball with his family. Sign me up.
She laughed, too. "Well, I do think of them as my children in most ways. I never could get over my mothering instincts — did Edward tell you I had lost a child?"
"No," I murmured, stunned, scrambling to understand what lifetime she was remembering.
"Yes, my first and only baby. He died just a few days after he was born, the poor tiny thing," she sighed. "It broke my heart — that's why I jumped off the cliff, you know," she added matter-of-factly.
Way to be a buzz kill there, Esme. I’m not going to go into the extreme importance of children to everyone in the Twiverse, since I probably touched on that in Breaking Dawn. But it still annoys me. I thought Bella was going to actually be different, but no, once she got pregnant, Renesmee was all important. Although it seemed like in Breaking Dawn she neglected her a lot. But I digress.
"That's why I'm so happy that he's found you,
dear." The endearment sounded very natural on her lips. "He's been the odd man out for far too long; it's hurt me to see him alone."
Because the most important thing in life (next to having children) is to find a significant other!
This part of the movie was hilarious. The vampires. Are playing BASEBALL. And I love how they all got uniforms made up. I love to hate the books because they fill me with rage most of the time, but I just genuinely love the movie. How can I hate something that makes me laugh SO HARD? I think I love it more than Body Rock.
He sprinted to my side, sparkling with excitement.
Well, sparkling is his default setting.
It’s really really boring having a male lead with no flaws. He’s like a Ken doll. If I didn’t read Breaking Dawn, I would assume he was like a Ken doll downstairs, too.
Alice slapped them dainty high fives.
Someone please explain to me how high fives can be dainty?
Hey, look! Is that PLOT I detect?
"How many?" Emmett asked Alice.
"Three," she answered tersely.
"Three!" he scoffed. "Let them come." The steel bands of muscle flexed along
his massive arms.
I love you, Emmett.
So yeah, the three vamps are coming. Let’s talk: how HOT was Cam Gigandet in the movie? Too bad James dies. Cam just has the perfect amount of slime to him, which I imagined he honed by playing Volchak on The OC. I have a strange love for the guy who played Laurent, probably only because he reminds me of Don Cheadle. And of course, the girl who plays Victoria, who seems very sweet and funny in interviews, and has great hair.
"Take your hair down," Edward said in a low, even voice.
I obediently slid the rubber band out of my hair and shook it out around me.
You dumb shit. They can smell her hair BETTER, now.
Chapter 18- The Hunt
I thought vampires were all supposed to be beautiful to attract prey, yet here are the three new vampires:
Vamp 1: Beautiful, medium build.
Vamp 2: Red hair, wild, catlike.
Vamp 3: Nondescript.
Yeah, okay.
"Why don't you come back to our home with us and we can talk comfortably?"
Carlisle invited. "It's a rather long story."
NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO HAVE A TAG.
Why do vampires have to kill when they feed? They don’t have to DRAIN them. I’m sure if they just took the same amount that people love whenever they give blood, that would work. Henry Fitzroy never kills when he feeds.
Why are the Cullens suddenly intensely loyal to Bella? I get Edward, Esme, and Carlisle, and to a lesser extent Alice, but why the others? Rosalie hates her, and Emmett and Jasper are just neutral towards her. Plus she’s a whiny bitch.
"Dammit, Edward! Where are you taking me?"
I forgot how much swearing for a Smeyer novel there is in this one.
All the vamps are talking about what to do with Bella as if she’s not there. Well, I would expect nothing less from a Smeyer novel.
"He's no match for us, Edward. He won't be able to touch her."
"He'll wait."
Emmett smiled. "I can wait, too."
"You didn't see — you don't understand. Once he commits to a hunt, he's unshakable. We'd have to kill him."
Emmett didn't seem upset by the idea. "That's an option."
Where is Emmett and Jasper’s spinoff? I love Emmett so much. And why DON’T they just kill James? It’s six against three. They would win, especially with Edward’s magical Gary Stu powers.
I broke it. "Does anyone want to hear my plan?"
"No," Edward growled.
Fuck you, Edward.
"You take me back. I tell my dad I want to go
home to Phoenix. I pack my bags. We wait till this tracker is watching, and then we run. He'll follow us and leave Charlie alone. Charlie won't call the FBI on your family. Then you can take me any damned place you want."
And then what? Bella drops out of school? Lives with the vamps? Charlie and Renee would send the cops after her once they figure out she’s not with the other parent. Way to have foresight.
The unintelligible stream of profanities started again.
“Darn. Shoot. Dang! HOLY CROW!”
"Listen, Charlie's not an imbecile," I protested.
Who uses the word ‘imbecile’?
I tried to be persuasive. "Hang out here for a week —" I saw his expression in
the mirror and amended "— a few days. Let Charlie see you haven't kidnapped
me, and lead this James on a wild-goose chase. Make sure he's completely off
my trail. Then come and meet me. Take a roundabout route, of course, and then
Jasper and Alice can go home."
And then what are you going to do to James? These are important questions.
I also particularly love how Smeyer has to shoehorn Phoenix in somewhere. They’re going to Phoenix to escape from James. In The Host, Wanderer was going to Chicago to see her healer and then she just offhandedly remarks that he moved to Phoenix and then she went there. It was hilarious.
So, I guess her plan is just to live in Phoenix. Quit school? Do nothing? I don’t get her life plan here.
"If you let anything happen to yourself— anything at all — I'm
holding you personally responsible. Do you understand that?"
Fuck you.
Chapter 19- Goodbyes
This part always makes me sad. I love Charlie.
Lololol, UNINTENTIONAL E-BOOK HILARITY:
"I'm going borne," I shouted, my voice breaking in the perfect spot.
I’m not too sure what that means. She’s like, pulling a Jason Bourne? She’s going to start shooting things and being awesome? Oh shit, forgot this was a Smeyer novel. It’s supposed to say, “home” of course.
"I broke up with him!" I shouted back, jerking on the zipper of my bag. Edward's
capable hands pushed mine away and zipped it smoothly. He put the strap
carefully over my arm.
Why does he have to do EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING for her?
CHARLIE I LOVE YOU CHARLIE DON’T BE SAD.
I repeated my mother's last words as she'd walked out
this same door so many years ago. I said them as angrily as I could manage, and
I threw the door open. "It didn't work out, okay? I really, really hate Forks!"
Those are some intense last words. They also curiously sound like something a thirteen year old would say.
Plain, nondescript little Bella is insanely tempting to EVERY SINGLE VAMPIRE EVER. And EVERY SINGLE MALE HUMAN EVER.
"How can you kill a vampire?"
He glanced at me with unreadable eyes and his voice was suddenly harsh. "The
only way to be sure is to tear him to shreds, and then burn the pieces."
“We cut off her head and drove a stake through her heart and burned her, and then she was at peace.”
"Yes. He won't attack the house, though. Not tonight."
I thought “house” said “horse” and I got a mental image of James attacking a horse but the horse was indestructible.
"Go in peace," was Carlisle's formal answer.
Wtf?
"Get her upstairs and trade clothes," Edward commanded. She [Rosalie] stared back at him with livid disbelief.
"Why should I?" she hissed. "What is she to me? Except a menace — a danger you've chosen to inflict on all of us."
She’s the only one who is actually reacting realistically. Why ARE they all bending over backwards to protect her?
Does Bella have to be carried EVERYWHERE?
Jasper and I looked at each other. He stood across the length of the entryway
from me… being careful.
"You're wrong, you know," he said quietly.
"What?" I gasped.
"I can feel what you're feeling now — and you are worth it."
DON’T LISTEN TO HIM, BELLA! YOU AREN’T WORTH IT!
Chapter 20- Impatience
Somehow, during the long night, my head had ended up against her granite neck.
Because it’s super comfortable to sleep on rocks!
I don’t want to recap anymore :( After this, John Ringo will be a relief.
She smiled a wide, ominous smile. "We have another fairly superfluous weapon. We're also venomous," she said, her teeth glistening. "The venom doesn't kill —it's merely incapacitating. It works slowly, spreading through the bloodstream,
so that, once bitten, our prey is in too much physical pain to escape us. Mostly superfluous, as I said. If we're that close, the prey doesn't escape. Of course, there are always exceptions. Carlisle, for example."
So I’m confused. All the bodily fluids of the vampires are replaced by venom. So how come kissing or having sex with Edward doesn’t hurt Bella? Or if she touches him when he happens to get sweaty? (Although of course, sweat is unattractive, so of course he wouldn’t SWEAT).
Bloodlust is one word.
The infodumps come fast and furious in this book.
"I miss you," I whispered.
"I know, Bella. Believe me, I know. It's like you've taken half my self away with
you."
"Come and get it, then," I challenged.
I want to die.
Chapter 21- Phone Call
So James has kidnapped Renee and is giving Bella instructions.
I’m confused. Bella makes the decision to go to the ballet studio, but Alice doesn’t see it. I love how her power comes and goes as it is convenient.
And then I carefully sealed away my heart.
ARGH.
Chapter 22- Hide and Seek
Okay, never mind, I think Alice does see.
What James is doing isn’t really hunting. Well I guess luring is part of hunting, but I thought TRACKING was his obsession, not being a tricky bastard. He’s didn’t really track at all. He heard they were going to Phoenix and then he went to Phoenix and laid the trap.
PSYCH. Renee’s not there at all. It’s just a VIDEO.
And suddenly it hit me. My mother was safe. She was still in Florida. She'd never gotten my message.
Ha ha ha ha ha. I love how it takes her so long. James has to TELL HER. The lack of Renee in the studio and the video with the same dialogue she heard on the phone didn’t tip her off.
STOP STEREOTYPICAL VILLAIN SOLILOQUYING, JAMES, KTHX.
Blah blah blah James filibuster blah.
This is the dumbest thing ever. Smeyer gave an EXTREMELY flimsy excuse for why James is so obsessed with Bella.
James, JUST STFU ALREADY, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. This is WORSE THAN POIROT'S EXPLANATION OF THE CRIME AT THE END OF EVERY SINGLE AGATHA CHRISTIE BOOK. At least Poirot is ENTERTAINING and not annoying.
Hey. Remember how I said the Alice thing was never explained? Apparently I forgot about this part. This vampire stole Alice away from the asylum where she was put there for seeing visions and then made her into a vampire. Why she doesn't remember any of this, THAT was never explained.
Bored now.
Yay, Bella's getting beat up!
I get a kind of sick satisfaction out of her legs getting broken.
That's the end of the recaps I need to know but I'm just going to finish up right now.
Chapter 23- The Angel
Three guesses as to who she's talking about, and the first two don't count.
Because, through the heavy water, I heard the sound of an angel calling my
name, calling me to the only heaven I wanted.
It's been awhile since I've had no words, but yeah. I have no words.
"Bella, you're going to be fine. Can you hear me, Bella? I love you."
Yeah Edward, that's going to make her feel better when HER LEG IS BROKEN.
This is such a cheap cop out. We don't even get to see any real fighting.
James bit her so Edward has to suck out the venom. It's dangerous to suck the venom out.
http://www.popularmechanics.com/technology/industry/1286246.html
If he was sucking out the venom, wouldn't his tongue be touching the wound, thus making her injury worse?
"I love you," he answered.
"I know," I breathed, so tired.
NO. NO NO NO NO NO. NO STEALING STAR WARS DIALOGUE ASHDFHALSIDGS;ADKFLGIYF
I sighed. "He tricked me, Edward. He watched our videos."
Well, that's not too hard to do, now is it?
Chapter 24- An Impasse
"You fell down two flights of stairs and through a window." He paused. "You
have to admit, it could happen."
Well, what kind of place would have two flights of stairs in succession and then a ginormous window at the end?
"I didn't like it [blood transfusions] — it made you smell all wrong for a while."
Well Edward, next time she gets attacked by a vampire and desperately needs blood, she'll just hold off on that to make you happy.
He sighed without returning my gaze. "It was impossible… to stop," he
whispered. "Impossible. But I did." He looked up finally, with half a smile.
Obviously, if you stopped then IT WASN'T IMPOSSIBLE.
"What should I apologize for?"
"For very nearly taking yourself away from me forever."
"I'm sorry," I apologized again.
Is she honestly apologizing for getting hurt?
Oh, OH THE MOST LUDICROUS PART EVER:
He leaned in slowly; the beeping noise accelerated wildly before his lips even
touched me. But when they did, though with the most gentle of pressure, the
beeping stopped altogether.
HE KISSES HER AND HER HEART FUCKING STOPS GODDAMMIT HER HEART STOPS SHIT THIS IS SO SO SO SO STUPID SHIT HER FUCKING HEART FUCKING STOPS I CANNOT FUCKING BELIEVE THIS.
Ah, Tourette's swearing.
"Don't leave me," I cried, an irrational surge of panic flooding through me. I
couldn't let him go — he might disappear from me again.
She's so pathetic.
"They had to keep you sedated for a while, honey — you've got a lot of injuries."
Ba ba baba ba ba ba ba ba I wanna be sedated!
"Well, he seems very nice, and, my goodness, he's incredibly good-looking, but
you're so young, Bella…"
So she has problems with her DATING him, but when it comes time to get married she's all gung ho. I don't understand.
"Don't leave me," I begged in a broken voice.
Please die now.
"I'll be the first to admit that I have no experience with relationships," I said.
"But it just seems logical… a man and woman have to be somewhat equal… as
in, one of them can't always be swooping in and saving the other one. They have
to save each other equally."
He folded his arms on the side of my bed and rested his chin on his arms. His
expression was smooth, the anger reined in. Evidently he'd decided he wasn't
angry with me. I hoped I'd get a chance to warn Alice before he caught up with
her.
"You have saved me," he said quietly.
"I can't always be Lois Lane," I insisted. "I want to be Superman, too."
Smeyer is just so delightfully cracked out. Bella's all talking about equality when it's obvious they're not equal at all and DEAR GOD DO NOT TAINT SUPERMAN PLEASE.
"Charlie?" he asked curtly. "Renée?"
Minutes passed in silence as I struggled to answer his question. I opened my
mouth, but no sound came out. I closed it again. He waited, and his expression
became triumphant because he knew I had no true answer.
"Look, that's not an issue either," I finally muttered; my voice was as
unconvincing as it always was when I lied. "Renée has always made the choices
that work for her — she'd want me to do the same. And Charlie's resilient, he's
used to being on his own. I can't take care of them forever. I have my own life to
live."
Of COURSE her parents aren't an issue. Why would there be conflict at all?
He rolled his eyes and set his lips. "Bella, we're not having this discussion
anymore. I refuse to damn you to an eternity of night and that's the end of it."
An eternity of night? They can go out in the daylight, don't lie.
Stop fucking chuckling.
Epilogue: An Occasion
Blah blah prom blah blah blah blah Edward pulls an asshole move and pretends to turn Bella but he really doesn't blah blah blah.
Acknowledgements: ...my editor Megan Tingley, for all her help in
making Twilight better than it started out;
Two things off here. 1) If this is better than it started out, I shudder to think what Twilight was like before it was "edited". 2) She actually has an EDITOR? Seriously? I was sure that she didn't. She must be the worst fucking editor ever.
And so this is the end of the Twilight saga. Thank you for those of you who took this ride with me. I lost a quarter of my brain cells. You're welcome.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Twilight Chapters 15 and 16
Chapter 15- The Cullens
"Edward! You stayed!" I rejoiced, and thoughtlessly threw myself across the
room and into his lap. In the instant that my thoughts caught up with my actions,
I froze, shocked by my own uncontrolled enthusiasm. I stared up at him, afraid
that I had crossed the wrong line.
But he laughed.
"Of course," he answered, startled, but seeming pleased by my reaction. His
hands rubbed my back.
I laid my head cautiously against his shoulder, breathing in the smell of his skin.
"I was sure it was a dream."
There are some strange Freudian vibes in the whole series. I read this somewhere else, but Edward and Bella seem to have more of a father/daughter relationship than anything else. She always sits in his lap, Edward gives her rules and tries to control what he does (and Bella readily complies), Bella seems to almost look up to Edward at times, and it goes on. If you really look at their relationship in depth, it's really weird (and that's IGNORING all the abusive subtext.)
I skipped to the bathroom, my emotions unrecognizable.
She...skipped?
He rocked me for a while in silence, until I noticed that his clothes were
changed, his hair smooth.
See? SEE? This is so WEIRD.
"You left?" I accused, touching the collar of his fresh shirt.
"I could hardly leave in the clothes I came in — what would the neighbors
think?"
I pouted.
She is like a little child, seriously. Also, it's doubtful that the neighbours took note of what he was wearing. And I don't think it will make any difference whether he's wearing different clothes if no one ever noticed him leaving.
His gold eyes grew very soft. "You said you loved me."
"You knew that already," I reminded him, ducking my head.
"It was nice to hear, just the same."
I hid my face against his shoulder.
"I love you," I whispered.
"You are my life now," he answered simply.
Smeyer has said on more than one occasion that Romeo is impetuous and a hothead and yet...we have these two saying they love each other and "you are my life now" within weeks of meeting. Way to be a hypocrite.
He rocked us back and forth as the room grew lighter.
Us= Bella and her multiple personalities?
"Breakfast time," he said eventually, casually — to prove, I'm sure, that he
remembered all my human frailties.
So I clutched my throat with both hands and stared at him with wide eyes. Shock
crossed his face.
"Kidding!" I snickered. "And you said I couldn't act!"
She is such an idiot. Who, on hearing a vampire announce that he was going to kill you, clutches their throat? Wouldn't you run? Try to fight? As opposed to just stand their like a deer in headlights?
He threw me over his stone shoulder, gently, but with a swiftness that left me
breathless. I protested as he carried me easily down the stairs, but he ignored me.
He sat me right side up on a chair.
And again with the Freudian subtext. Does Smeyer have extreme daddy issues, or something?
"And Jasper making you feel all warm and fuzzy about spilling your guts, don't
forget that."
"You paid attention," he smiled approvingly.
"The infodump was really bad back in chapter 13, but I absorbed some of it."
You know what? I'm going to look at a statue of Adonis to see what Edward looks like.
http://homepage.mac.com/cparada/GML/000Images/aim/adonis5633.jpg
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/b/be/Adonis3.jpg/399px-Adonis3.jpg
I don't know whether that's a leaf covering his junk in the first one or if his wang really is flower shaped. Anyway...I guess the statues are nice, in a classical kind of way. But I'm not attracted to it or anything. And Adonis isn't really my type, anyway.
I think the Cullens are actually a family of el Chupacabras. After all, they suck the blood of animals.
I ended up in my only skirt — long, khaki-colored, still casual. I put on the dark
blue blouse he'd once complimented.
She sounds like a Hutterite.
"Wrong again," he murmured in my ear. "You are utterly indecent — no one
should look so tempting, it's not fair."
Dear Lord, please let me die.
"Bella?" His voice was alarmed as he caught me and held me up.
"You… made… me… faint," I accused him dizzily.
"What am I going to do with you?" he groaned in exasperation. "Yesterday I kiss
you, and you attack me! Today you pass out on me!"
I laughed weakly, letting his arms support me while my head spun.
"So much for being good at everything," he sighed.
"That's the problem." I was still dizzy. "You're too good. Far, far too good."
I take it back. Let me die NOW.
Stop fucking chuckline, buddy.
I was startled to feel Edward stiffen at my side.
Tee hee.
WHERE THE HELL IS EMMETT?
And then his fingers flowed swiftly across the ivory, and the room was filled
with a composition so complex, so luxuriant, it was impossible to believe only
one set of hands played.
Come ON. He's not MOZART, for God's sake.
I bet he's playing Heart and Souls and Alice is playing the second part but she's moving around so fast that Bella can't see her.
"You're human." He shrugged. "She [Rosalie] wishes that she were, too."
Carlisle turned Rosalie. We also know from Breaking Dawn that she desperately wants children. Now she can't have any and she has to live with that knowledge for an eternity. Wouldn't she at least be a LITTLE pissed at Carlisle? I JUST WANT TO UNDERSTAND.
"Are happy to see me happy. Actually, Esme wouldn't care if you had a third eye
and webbed feet. All this time she's been worried about me, afraid that there was
something missing from my essential makeup, that I was too young when
Carlisle changed me… She's ecstatic. Every time I touch you, she just about
chokes with satisfaction."
This reminds me of Victorian mothers who would have their daughters marry an abusive dude with a hunchback just to get them married off. Smeyer's thinking is just so archaic.
"I have to, because I'm going to be a little… overbearingly protective over the
next few days — or weeks — and I wouldn't want you to think I'm naturally a tyrant."
Lolol. Wouldn't want to think THAT!
The song he was still playing, my song, drifted to an end, the final chords
shifting to a more melancholy key. The last note hovered poignantly in the
silence.
You can totally tell she doesn't know anything about the piano at all. It seems like she's drawing on all the musical words she knows and putting them together in the hopes that it will sound eloquent.
He touched the corner of my eye, trapping one [a tear] I missed. He lifted his finger,
examining the drop of moisture broodingly. Then, so quickly I couldn't be
positive that he really did, he put his finger to his mouth to taste it.
Oh, dear GOD. WHAT? WTF? WHAT IS THIS? AL;KSDFHAILUDGFLASF
"Carlisle was born in London, in the sixteen-forties, he believes. Time wasn't
marked as accurately then, for the common people anyway. It was just before
Cromwell's rule, though."
Yay, history lesson!
Infodump Carlisle backstory alert. I don't care.
"Edward! You stayed!" I rejoiced, and thoughtlessly threw myself across the
room and into his lap. In the instant that my thoughts caught up with my actions,
I froze, shocked by my own uncontrolled enthusiasm. I stared up at him, afraid
that I had crossed the wrong line.
But he laughed.
"Of course," he answered, startled, but seeming pleased by my reaction. His
hands rubbed my back.
I laid my head cautiously against his shoulder, breathing in the smell of his skin.
"I was sure it was a dream."
There are some strange Freudian vibes in the whole series. I read this somewhere else, but Edward and Bella seem to have more of a father/daughter relationship than anything else. She always sits in his lap, Edward gives her rules and tries to control what he does (and Bella readily complies), Bella seems to almost look up to Edward at times, and it goes on. If you really look at their relationship in depth, it's really weird (and that's IGNORING all the abusive subtext.)
I skipped to the bathroom, my emotions unrecognizable.
She...skipped?
He rocked me for a while in silence, until I noticed that his clothes were
changed, his hair smooth.
See? SEE? This is so WEIRD.
"You left?" I accused, touching the collar of his fresh shirt.
"I could hardly leave in the clothes I came in — what would the neighbors
think?"
I pouted.
She is like a little child, seriously. Also, it's doubtful that the neighbours took note of what he was wearing. And I don't think it will make any difference whether he's wearing different clothes if no one ever noticed him leaving.
His gold eyes grew very soft. "You said you loved me."
"You knew that already," I reminded him, ducking my head.
"It was nice to hear, just the same."
I hid my face against his shoulder.
"I love you," I whispered.
"You are my life now," he answered simply.
Smeyer has said on more than one occasion that Romeo is impetuous and a hothead and yet...we have these two saying they love each other and "you are my life now" within weeks of meeting. Way to be a hypocrite.
He rocked us back and forth as the room grew lighter.
Us= Bella and her multiple personalities?
"Breakfast time," he said eventually, casually — to prove, I'm sure, that he
remembered all my human frailties.
So I clutched my throat with both hands and stared at him with wide eyes. Shock
crossed his face.
"Kidding!" I snickered. "And you said I couldn't act!"
She is such an idiot. Who, on hearing a vampire announce that he was going to kill you, clutches their throat? Wouldn't you run? Try to fight? As opposed to just stand their like a deer in headlights?
He threw me over his stone shoulder, gently, but with a swiftness that left me
breathless. I protested as he carried me easily down the stairs, but he ignored me.
He sat me right side up on a chair.
And again with the Freudian subtext. Does Smeyer have extreme daddy issues, or something?
"And Jasper making you feel all warm and fuzzy about spilling your guts, don't
forget that."
"You paid attention," he smiled approvingly.
"The infodump was really bad back in chapter 13, but I absorbed some of it."
You know what? I'm going to look at a statue of Adonis to see what Edward looks like.
http://homepage.mac.com/cparada/GML/000Images/aim/adonis5633.jpg
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/b/be/Adonis3.jpg/399px-Adonis3.jpg
I don't know whether that's a leaf covering his junk in the first one or if his wang really is flower shaped. Anyway...I guess the statues are nice, in a classical kind of way. But I'm not attracted to it or anything. And Adonis isn't really my type, anyway.
I think the Cullens are actually a family of el Chupacabras. After all, they suck the blood of animals.
I ended up in my only skirt — long, khaki-colored, still casual. I put on the dark
blue blouse he'd once complimented.
She sounds like a Hutterite.
"Wrong again," he murmured in my ear. "You are utterly indecent — no one
should look so tempting, it's not fair."
Dear Lord, please let me die.
"Bella?" His voice was alarmed as he caught me and held me up.
"You… made… me… faint," I accused him dizzily.
"What am I going to do with you?" he groaned in exasperation. "Yesterday I kiss
you, and you attack me! Today you pass out on me!"
I laughed weakly, letting his arms support me while my head spun.
"So much for being good at everything," he sighed.
"That's the problem." I was still dizzy. "You're too good. Far, far too good."
I take it back. Let me die NOW.
Stop fucking chuckline, buddy.
I was startled to feel Edward stiffen at my side.
Tee hee.
WHERE THE HELL IS EMMETT?
And then his fingers flowed swiftly across the ivory, and the room was filled
with a composition so complex, so luxuriant, it was impossible to believe only
one set of hands played.
Come ON. He's not MOZART, for God's sake.
I bet he's playing Heart and Souls and Alice is playing the second part but she's moving around so fast that Bella can't see her.
"You're human." He shrugged. "She [Rosalie] wishes that she were, too."
Carlisle turned Rosalie. We also know from Breaking Dawn that she desperately wants children. Now she can't have any and she has to live with that knowledge for an eternity. Wouldn't she at least be a LITTLE pissed at Carlisle? I JUST WANT TO UNDERSTAND.
"Are happy to see me happy. Actually, Esme wouldn't care if you had a third eye
and webbed feet. All this time she's been worried about me, afraid that there was
something missing from my essential makeup, that I was too young when
Carlisle changed me… She's ecstatic. Every time I touch you, she just about
chokes with satisfaction."
This reminds me of Victorian mothers who would have their daughters marry an abusive dude with a hunchback just to get them married off. Smeyer's thinking is just so archaic.
"I have to, because I'm going to be a little… overbearingly protective over the
next few days — or weeks — and I wouldn't want you to think I'm naturally a tyrant."
Lolol. Wouldn't want to think THAT!
The song he was still playing, my song, drifted to an end, the final chords
shifting to a more melancholy key. The last note hovered poignantly in the
silence.
You can totally tell she doesn't know anything about the piano at all. It seems like she's drawing on all the musical words she knows and putting them together in the hopes that it will sound eloquent.
He touched the corner of my eye, trapping one [a tear] I missed. He lifted his finger,
examining the drop of moisture broodingly. Then, so quickly I couldn't be
positive that he really did, he put his finger to his mouth to taste it.
Oh, dear GOD. WHAT? WTF? WHAT IS THIS? AL;KSDFHAILUDGFLASF
"Carlisle was born in London, in the sixteen-forties, he believes. Time wasn't
marked as accurately then, for the common people anyway. It was just before
Cromwell's rule, though."
Yay, history lesson!
Infodump Carlisle backstory alert. I don't care.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Twilight Chapters 13 and 14
I got a comment from someone I don't actually know (http://thelightsandbuzz.blogspot.com/2009/01/breaking-dawns-chapters-8-12.html#comments), and I want to reply to a few of her points. I'm not sure if she'll actually read this again, but whatever.
First, I get stupidly excited when I get comments, especially from people I don't know, so thanks! And thanks for the compliments.
"In fairness, though, I have to admit that sometimes your snark gets a little less sharp because you remark on "missing" details which you just overlooked..."
Yeah, I definitely just skim and if I get anything wrong or miss anything, I want to know. I don't want to go on living in ignorance, so drop me a line if I get anything wrong.
About the whole Down's Syndrome thing, I did realize I was wrong but I was too lazy to correct it. I think I mention it in a later post. As Smeyer would say, "I'm not a biology major" so I'm a little fuzzy on the science-y details.
Also, your English is great!
[/reply]
So, if you read and find something interesting, please comment. It would make my day and possibly my week, because I am just that lame. You like? You don't like? Any Twitards who want to take me on? Feel free.
Now, to the recap!
Chapter 13- Confessions
This is the transcription of Smeyer's original dream. I had a dream that pod people kidnapped me and Hailey from One Tree Hill and I ran away and the Lone Gunmen were chasing me on hoverboards. That was a sweet dream. But I am definitely not going to write a book about it and then publish it without editing it. Smeyer should take a leaf from my book.
Second favourite paragraph. Actually, I think it's tied for first:
His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday's hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep. A perfect statue, carved
in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal.
Oh. My. Lord. That is some amazing purple prose. Let's break it down:
His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday's hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface.
I have no idea how I blocked this from my mind when I read it. I really, really don't know. I'm confused how if you're flushed you can still be white. And I'm not going into the physiological impossibilities of having super hard cells and why said super hard cells sparkle in sunlight but not unnatural light, and why hard=sparkly anyway. My fridge is pretty hard but it doesn't sparkle like diamonds.
He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare.
AHAHAHAHAHAHA. I just love the use of the word "incandescent" and his "scintillating arms". Scintillating means "interesting." I have never really thought of arms as interesting. I can't even imagine it. "Oh, Edward. Your arms are so interesting!" They're probably the same kind of interesting as Bella's rant about how much she hates green things.
His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep.
So...he's wearing eyeshadow? Bella, sweetie...you can borrow my gaydar if you want.
A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal.
Yes. Yes, I get turned on by marble statues all the time. Like, when I went to Musee D'Orsee, I could hardly contain myself.
Now and then, his lips would move, so fast it looked like they were trembling.
But, when I asked, he told me he was singing to himself; it was too low for me to
hear.
People on the bus do this all the time. And they're not hot. Or just singing to themselves.
The meadow, so spectacular to me at first, paled next to his magnificence.
Is that a joke? Oh shit, I forgot this is Smeyer we're talking about.
Hesitantly, always afraid, even now, that he would disappear like a mirage, too
beautiful to be real… hesitantly, I reached out one finger and stroked the back of
his shimmering hand, where it lay within my reach.
"THAT'S A BAD TOUCH, CHAD!"
"I don't scare you?" he asked playfully, but I could hear the real curiosity in his
soft voice.
"No more than usual."
If you have to say that to your boyfriend, HE'S AN ABUSIVE BOYFRIEND.
I inched closer, stretched out my whole hand now to trace the contours of his
forearm with my fingertips. I saw that my fingers trembled, and knew it wouldn't
escape his notice.
"Do you mind?" I asked, for he had closed his eyes again.
"No," he said without opening his eyes. "You can't imagine how that feels." He
sighed.
I lightly trailed my hand over the perfect muscles of his arm, followed the faint
pattern of bluish veins inside the crease at his elbow.
Lololol I'm sorry. I thought the MOVIE mastered the art of the sexless sex scene, but man. This is just BAD. She's writing as if she's giving him a blow job but she's just STROKING HIS ARM.
"It's a hard life."
"It's a hard knock life, for me!"
You know what else makes no sense? How the eating habits of the Cullens change their eye colour. LIKE HELL. That would mean my eyes would be bright orange from years of Kraft Dinner. AND the Cullens and the bad vampires all drink blood, so it would be logical to assume that all their eyes would be red. Smeyer fails at life.
But I couldn't answer. As I had just that once before, I smelled his cool breath in
my face. Sweet, delicious, the scent made my mouth water. It was unlike
anything else. Instinctively, unthinkingly, I leaned closer, inhaling.
Oh, GROSS. GROSS. EW EW EW EW ICK.
"I'm the world's best predator, aren't I? Everything about me invites you in —
my voice, my face, even my smell. As if I need any of that!"
Despite the fact that Smeyer beat it into everyone's head that the kids in the school instinctively stayed AWAY from them. Yeah. Yeah, good logic, Smeyer.
"As if you could outrun me," he laughed bitterly.
[...]
"As if you could fight me off," he said gently.
I loved these parts in the movie. I just could not stop laughing. HE'S A SPARKLY, NON VIOLENT VAMPIRE.
His lovely eyes seem to glow with rash excitement. Then, as the seconds passed,
they dimmed. His expression slowly folded into a mask of ancient sadness.
Kill me, please.
"I don't want you to leave," I mumbled pathetically, staring down again.
A;JKSDFYUSFAD;'SADF;ISADLGDSAFH KEYBOARD SMASH.
"You see, every person smells different, has a different essence. If you locked an
alcoholic in a room full of stale beer, he'd gladly drink it. But he could resist, if
he wished to, if he were a recovering alcoholic. Now let's say you placed in that
room a glass of hundred-year-old brandy, the rarest, finest cognac — and filled
the room with its warm aroma — how do you think he would fare then?"
I prefer vodka, myself. This analogy is lost on me. It's like one of Seleho's analogies that make no sense. Mar, I know you're reading this. Comment with one of Seleho's messed up analogies.
"I love when my boyfriend compares me to drugs!"
"I spoke to my brothers about it." He still stared into the distance. "To Jasper,
every one of you is much the same. He's the most recent to join our family. It's a
struggle for him to abstain at all. He hasn't had time to grow sensitive to the
differences in smell, in flavor." He glanced swiftly at me, his expression
apologetic.
I love this. The first three books are all about hammering home how Jasper is the youngest and how it's so hard to resist humans and then Bella gets turned into a vampire and she's perfect immediately.
Blah blah blah blah Edward filibuster blah blah blah blah blah blah.
"Well…" He contemplated for a moment. "It was just how close you were. Most
humans instinctively shy away from us, are repelled by our alienness… I wasn't
expecting you to come so close. And the smell of your throat." He stopped short,
looking to see if he'd upset me.
WHAT? Oh yeah, the vampires are beautiful to attract prey...except the prey instinctively stays away. RIP LOGIC.
I tucked my chin.
What does that mean?
"Be very still," he whispered, as if I wasn't already frozen.
Don't move, Bella. DON'T MOVE. DON'T FUCKING MOVE. I MEAN IT!
Then abruptly, but very gently, he rested his cold cheek against the hollow at the base of my
throat.
"Edward? Edward, do you mind moving? I love you but...you're uh, crushing my windpipe."
His face drifted to the side, his nose skimming across my collarbone. He came to
rest with the side of his face pressed tenderly against my chest.
Listening to my heart.
"Ah," he sighed.
This sequence is so lame. I can't even mock it more than it already mocks itself.
Those guys with huge bags under their eyes are so sexy.
Yay, piggyback ride!
"Hah! You're as white as a ghost — no, you're as white as me!"
HA HA HA HA HA OH EDWARD YOU'RE SO FUNNY!
"Silly Bella," he chuckled.
Lolol. I wrote a semi-parody of Twilight and I actually said, "Silly Bella." I tried to parody, but little did I know HE ACTUALLY SAYS THIS. You can't parody Twilight. It's such a self-parody already. It's like parodying Jack Chick.
Okay, let's talk about the vampires for a second. I don't have anything against taking artistic license with them. After all, they're not real, right? Here's a list of books/movies/TV shows who have changed vampires:
Buffy- They go into vampface.
Supernatural- retractable teeth.
Dresden Files- Three different kinds of vampires, all of which feed on different emotions (although I think the Red Court feeds on blood too? Not sure.) This was really interesting. They're more psychological vampires than anything else.
Moonlight- Vampires can go outside in daylight, as long as they wear hats? Or something? I didn't really pay attention. I just know I watched like three episodes and HATED the show. Even Logan Echolls couldn't save it for me. And Sophia Myles is so pretty! But I still hated the show. I gave it a chance. I really wanted to like it. But I don't. But that's a rant for another day (I actually think I already ranted on this somewhere else.)(Here it is: http://thelightsandbuzz.blogspot.com/2008/02/moonlight.html)
Fangland- I don't even understand the vampires in this book. I just know they scared the hell out of me, which is what vampires should do.
Blood Ties- Henry is invulnerable to religious paraphernalia. Oh, and Smeyer was trying to make Edward all sexually attractive? She should take a look at TV!Blood Ties to see how to do it right. Mmm, Henry...
So yeah. It's possible to change the vampire mythos and still have a good product and avoid irritating people. The difference is that all the vampires above had stuff in common: THEY WERE ACTUALLY SCARY. They were still identifiably vampires. It's not just the fact that they don't drink human blood. Angel doesn't. Most of the vamps in The Dresden Files don't. It's not just that they're "good" vampires. Angel, Thomas (Dresden Files), Henry Fitzroy, and Mick St. John (Moonlight) all are. The Twiverse vamps don't retain any traits of vampires. They can be out in the day. They don't sleep. They don't have fangs. They GLITTER. They're immune to garlic, crosses, and holy water. If all we have of vampires is the lore, and these "vampires" don't follow the lore, it follows that they aren't vampires. Oh sure, they drink blood, but that alone is not the mark of a vampire. Let's not forget that el Chupacabra drinks blood. Who's to say that the Cullens aren't all "Mexican goat-suckers" as Scully so eloquently puts it (Damn, I need some X-Files right now to cleanse my brain)? What makes them vampires? Nothing. The answer is nothing.
Now, to continue.
Oh, oh! Okay, I need to rant about Moonlight for a second. So, from what I've gathered, Mick St. John rescued Beth (Sophie Myles) when she was a child (like eight, or something) from vampires and then later, when she grows up, they fall in love. I had to work hard to not be squicked out. Okay, like, she's an adult and he's an adult and it's all legal and on the up and up and everything. I just get weirded out by the idea of having sex with someone you knew when you were an adult and they were a child. I had the same experience when I was reading this Heinlein book (I liked it, but apparently Heinlein is a raging mysoginist so I've been shying away from his books, but I've read every book in the Twilight series, so clearly, that's not a problem for me). Anyway, in this book this guy gets cryogenically frozen and then he wakes up like, twenty years later? And then he falls in love with this little kid that he knew before. Same squick factor. I know it's not TECHNICALLY statutory rape but yeah. It's almost like statutory rape.
Okay, wow. Back to the recap.
And then his cold, marble lips pressed very softly against mine.
Well, that's sexy. Okay, let's see. I want to test out how appealing it would be to kiss cold marble, but unfortunately I don't have a statue of David on hand. So I'm going to kiss my wall and I'll tell you how it goes. Okay, I did it. No seriously, I kissed my cold wall. It was...I don't know. Like kissing a wall? I'm not sure how much more descriptive I can get. It was cold and hard and weird. More and more I think kissing my wall would be EXACTLY like kissing Edward. It's cold, hard, and unresponsive. I also find it amusing how they kiss without tongue and just press their lips against each other but don't do anything. Like the kisses in movies from the 40's and 50's. Only those, I imagine, were hotter. Like, WOO, the George Peppard/Audrey Hepburn kiss in Breakfast at Tiffany's was AWESOME especially with the cat squished in the middle. And Ingrid Bergman and Humphrey Bogart? Hot. Myrna Loy/William Powell? Hot. Humphrey Bogart and that bitch I don't like from The Maltese Falcon? HOT. Somehow, Edward and Bella? Not hot.
"Are you still faint from the run? Or was it my kissing expertise?"
Kissing expertise? What kissing expertise? He didn't even DO anything.
"Bella, I've already expended a great deal of personal effort at this point to keep
you alive. I'm not about to let you behind the wheel of a vehicle when you can't
even walk straight. Besides, friends don't let friends drive drunk," he quoted with
a chuckle. I could smell the unbearably sweet fragrance coming off his chest.
"Drunk?" I objected.
"You're intoxicated by my very presence." He was grinning that playful smirk
again.
Good God. I'm about to commit seppeku right here with whatever is near...my lamp. I will bludgeon myself to death with my lamp.
What? WHAT? I thought I was on the second chapter for today. THERE IS ONE MORE PLEASE JUST LET ME DIE.
Chapter 14- Mind Over Matter
"Music in the fifties was good. Much better than the sixties, or the seventies,
ugh!" He shuddered. "The eighties were bearable."
Oh, fuck you, Edward. It's true that the fifties had Elvis and Johnny Cash and Jerry Lee Lewis, who are all awesome. But the sixties had The Beatles, Cream, Derek and the Dominoes, JIMI HENDRIX, The Who, Jefferson Airplane, etc. The seventies had Led Zeppelin and The Guess Who, plus The Beatles solo stuff, which was pretty good. The eighties were crap, except for Falco and Metallica. So fuck you Edward. You don't know what you're talking about. Oh, and Beethoven is so much better than Debussy. HA.
"There's nothing like an unsolved mystery to keep you up at night."
Dude, I know. Sometimes I sit up at night wondering why Rice Krispies snap, crackle, and pop.
He gazed into the sun; the minutes passed.
Why is that sentence necessary?
Edward Cullen would be two years younger than my great-grandmother, were she alive today (God rest her soul). Now, that is creepy.
He heard my intake of breath, though it was barely audible to my own ears.
How does she know that? The thing about first person is that you only know the MAIN CHARACTER'S thoughts and feelings, unless the secondary characters tell her what they are thinking and feeling. She would have NO idea if he heard her or not. DAMMIT, Smeyer.
I know I've had this rant already, but why does everyone think that Carlisle is the second coming of Jesus Christ? He saves people, so he's good. But what if those people DIDN'T WANT TO BE SAVED? I wouldn't want to be cursed with a thirst for blood and immortality. I have never, ever, wanted to live forever and if someone made me live forever without my consent, I would be livid. Smeyer had a PRIME OPPORTUNITY to put some psychological tension in the book between Carlisle and Edward especially but of course Smeyer is scared of anything deeper than lust based on looks so she chickens out.
No doubt his quick mind had already comprehended every aspect that eluded me.
Not hard to do.
"No, that's just Carlisle. He would never do that to someone who had another
choice." The respect in his voice was profound whenever he spoke of his father
figure.
See? See? Carlisle is portrayed as this compassionate, amazing Christ figure. But his actions are morally questionable at best.
Oh, and? And? Carlisle basically turns the people and then brings them home AS POTENTIAL LIFE PARTNERS. Puh-leeze. They're like vampire mail order brides.
"I suppose we'll have to go to their wedding in a few years, again."
I don't get this. Why do they have to keep getting married? They only interact with their family. They don't have to keep getting married for THEIR benefit. And why couldn't they just come to town ALREADY married? The lack of logic hurts my head.
Okay, so for some reason Alice can't remember her human life at all and I think she was in a mental institution? But I don't remember this EVER being explained. FAIL.
"The door was unlocked?"
"No, I used the key from under the eave."
BECAUSE THAT'S NOT SCARY AT ALL.
"I was curious about you."
"You spied on me?" But somehow I couldn't infuse my voice with the proper
outrage. I was flattered.
He was unrepentant. "What else is there to do at night?"
WHAT? WHAT? WHY IS SHE FLATTERED THAT A FREAK IS WATCHING HER. AND APPARENTLY HE'S NOT JUST WATCHING HER, HE'S SITTING IN HER CHAIR INSIDE HER ROOM.
"You're interesting when you sleep." He spoke matter-of-factly. "You talk."
"No!" I gasped, heat flooding my face all the way to my hairline.
I love how she's not freaked out about the fact that he watches her without her knowledge, but that he might have heard her say something in her sleep. And wtf would she say? Kat said "Mmm, Pringles." I laugh in my sleep occasionally. Mar says, "Scramble." Wow, sooo embarrassing.
How many times does Edward chuckle, for fuck's sake? 39. THIRTY-NINE TIMES. THERE ARE OTHER WORDS TO INDICATE LAUGHING, YOU KNOW. Chuckle doesn't even look like a word anymore.
I don't even know how long this post is going to be. But I want it to be over soon. Please, God. I would rather read The Magic Circle again than read this crap. And yet I continue.
He sat up slowly, so as not to startle me again. Then he leaned forward and
reached out with his long arms to pick me up, gripping the tops of my arms like I
was a toddler. He sat me on the bed beside him.
Why is this attractive? "My boyfriend treats me like a toddler and carries me everywhere. That's so awesome!"
I can't remember what review I was reading, but someone said that they thought Smeyer was attempting to create a kind of Lizzie/Mr. Darcy witty repartee. I totally think this is true. It's like she's trying SO HARD to make Bella into an independent, witty girl and trying SO HARD to make Edward into a witty, charming guy but it is just NOT WORKING.
"I'm just pleasantly surprised," he clarified. "In the last hundred years or so," his
voice was teasing, "I never imagined anything like this. I didn't believe I would
ever find someone I wanted to be with… in another way than my brothers and
sisters. And then to find, even though it's all new to me, that I'm good at it… at
being with you…"
HAHA HA HA HA HA HA I'm sorry. I love in 100+ years, he has never been attracted to anyone. EVER. Growing Up Cullen is canon, ladies and gentlemen.
"You're good at everything," I pointed out.
He shrugged, allowing that, and we both laughed in whispers.
Arrogant prick. I also love how the implication here is that if you totally squelch your sexual impulses, you have tons of time to pick up different hobbies.
"That suits me," he replied, his face relaxing into a gentle smile. "Bring on the
shackles — I'm your prisoner."
Oh, geez, I don't even know what to say. This just sounds like really really bad dialogue from a Harlequin romance or bad soap opera.
But his long hands formed manacles around my wrists as he spoke.
It's interested that she would choose the imagery of manacles, especially since she seems to be a masochist. Manacles usually aren't sexy, or something that is widely desired. They bring to mind someone trapped, someone kept prisoner against their wills. Which Bella seems to be. Or, you know, Smeyer could just be thinking of those love cuffs that I saw everywhere in Barcelona.
"Isn't it supposed to be like this?" He smiled. "The glory of first love, and all
that. It's incredible, isn't it, the difference between reading about something,
seeing it in the pictures, and experiencing it?"
The pictures=movies? Okay, I get being influenced by 18th century literature or whatever, but sometimes the archaic speech can go too far.
"Darn it," I muttered.
"Darn! I'm from the fifties and swearing is for heathens!"
He paused. "Should I sing you to sleep?"
"Because I'm a little baby."
"Just because I'm resisting the wine doesn't mean I can't appreciate the bouquet,"
he whispered. "You have a very floral smell, like lavender… or freesia," he
noted. "It's mouthwatering."
Oh, I totally get this. When I take out my floral scented shampoo, I get this huge urge to just take a mouthful. SERIOUSLY, flowers AREN'T APPETIZING.
Carlise's power is compassion. Esme's ability is to love. Emmett's ability is to be a big bruiser type, apparently. Rosalie's power is stubbornness. Wow, that's some great powers there. You can tell she loves Alice and Edward the most, since they get the best powers.
"You said that Rosalie and Emmett will get married soon… Is that… marriage…
the same as it is for humans?"
He laughed in earnest now, understanding. "Is that what you're getting at?"
I fidgeted, unable to answer.
"Yes, I suppose it is much the same," he said. "I told you, most of those human
desires are there, just hidden behind more powerful desires."
"Oh," was all I could say.
"Was there a purpose behind your curiosity?"
"Well, I did wonder… about you and me… someday…"
He was instantly serious, I could tell by the sudden stillness of his body. I froze,
too, reacting automatically.
"I don't think that… that… would be possible for us."
"Because it would be too hard for you, if I were that… close?"
I love love love how they can't EVER say the word "sex." They try to get their points across in the most roundabout ways possible. It took me a little while to figure out what they were talking about there. Even in Breaking Dawn, where Bella wanted sex sex sex ALL THE FREAKING TIME, I don't think they ever used the word.
Dear God, please let this chapter end soon.
HA, HE LISTENED.
First, I get stupidly excited when I get comments, especially from people I don't know, so thanks! And thanks for the compliments.
"In fairness, though, I have to admit that sometimes your snark gets a little less sharp because you remark on "missing" details which you just overlooked..."
Yeah, I definitely just skim and if I get anything wrong or miss anything, I want to know. I don't want to go on living in ignorance, so drop me a line if I get anything wrong.
About the whole Down's Syndrome thing, I did realize I was wrong but I was too lazy to correct it. I think I mention it in a later post. As Smeyer would say, "I'm not a biology major" so I'm a little fuzzy on the science-y details.
Also, your English is great!
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So, if you read and find something interesting, please comment. It would make my day and possibly my week, because I am just that lame. You like? You don't like? Any Twitards who want to take me on? Feel free.
Now, to the recap!
Chapter 13- Confessions
This is the transcription of Smeyer's original dream. I had a dream that pod people kidnapped me and Hailey from One Tree Hill and I ran away and the Lone Gunmen were chasing me on hoverboards. That was a sweet dream. But I am definitely not going to write a book about it and then publish it without editing it. Smeyer should take a leaf from my book.
Second favourite paragraph. Actually, I think it's tied for first:
His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday's hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep. A perfect statue, carved
in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal.
Oh. My. Lord. That is some amazing purple prose. Let's break it down:
His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday's hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface.
I have no idea how I blocked this from my mind when I read it. I really, really don't know. I'm confused how if you're flushed you can still be white. And I'm not going into the physiological impossibilities of having super hard cells and why said super hard cells sparkle in sunlight but not unnatural light, and why hard=sparkly anyway. My fridge is pretty hard but it doesn't sparkle like diamonds.
He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare.
AHAHAHAHAHAHA. I just love the use of the word "incandescent" and his "scintillating arms". Scintillating means "interesting." I have never really thought of arms as interesting. I can't even imagine it. "Oh, Edward. Your arms are so interesting!" They're probably the same kind of interesting as Bella's rant about how much she hates green things.
His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep.
So...he's wearing eyeshadow? Bella, sweetie...you can borrow my gaydar if you want.
A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal.
Yes. Yes, I get turned on by marble statues all the time. Like, when I went to Musee D'Orsee, I could hardly contain myself.
Now and then, his lips would move, so fast it looked like they were trembling.
But, when I asked, he told me he was singing to himself; it was too low for me to
hear.
People on the bus do this all the time. And they're not hot. Or just singing to themselves.
The meadow, so spectacular to me at first, paled next to his magnificence.
Is that a joke? Oh shit, I forgot this is Smeyer we're talking about.
Hesitantly, always afraid, even now, that he would disappear like a mirage, too
beautiful to be real… hesitantly, I reached out one finger and stroked the back of
his shimmering hand, where it lay within my reach.
"THAT'S A BAD TOUCH, CHAD!"
"I don't scare you?" he asked playfully, but I could hear the real curiosity in his
soft voice.
"No more than usual."
If you have to say that to your boyfriend, HE'S AN ABUSIVE BOYFRIEND.
I inched closer, stretched out my whole hand now to trace the contours of his
forearm with my fingertips. I saw that my fingers trembled, and knew it wouldn't
escape his notice.
"Do you mind?" I asked, for he had closed his eyes again.
"No," he said without opening his eyes. "You can't imagine how that feels." He
sighed.
I lightly trailed my hand over the perfect muscles of his arm, followed the faint
pattern of bluish veins inside the crease at his elbow.
Lololol I'm sorry. I thought the MOVIE mastered the art of the sexless sex scene, but man. This is just BAD. She's writing as if she's giving him a blow job but she's just STROKING HIS ARM.
"It's a hard life."
"It's a hard knock life, for me!"
You know what else makes no sense? How the eating habits of the Cullens change their eye colour. LIKE HELL. That would mean my eyes would be bright orange from years of Kraft Dinner. AND the Cullens and the bad vampires all drink blood, so it would be logical to assume that all their eyes would be red. Smeyer fails at life.
But I couldn't answer. As I had just that once before, I smelled his cool breath in
my face. Sweet, delicious, the scent made my mouth water. It was unlike
anything else. Instinctively, unthinkingly, I leaned closer, inhaling.
Oh, GROSS. GROSS. EW EW EW EW ICK.
"I'm the world's best predator, aren't I? Everything about me invites you in —
my voice, my face, even my smell. As if I need any of that!"
Despite the fact that Smeyer beat it into everyone's head that the kids in the school instinctively stayed AWAY from them. Yeah. Yeah, good logic, Smeyer.
"As if you could outrun me," he laughed bitterly.
[...]
"As if you could fight me off," he said gently.
I loved these parts in the movie. I just could not stop laughing. HE'S A SPARKLY, NON VIOLENT VAMPIRE.
His lovely eyes seem to glow with rash excitement. Then, as the seconds passed,
they dimmed. His expression slowly folded into a mask of ancient sadness.
Kill me, please.
"I don't want you to leave," I mumbled pathetically, staring down again.
A;JKSDFYUSFAD;'SADF;ISADLGDSAFH KEYBOARD SMASH.
"You see, every person smells different, has a different essence. If you locked an
alcoholic in a room full of stale beer, he'd gladly drink it. But he could resist, if
he wished to, if he were a recovering alcoholic. Now let's say you placed in that
room a glass of hundred-year-old brandy, the rarest, finest cognac — and filled
the room with its warm aroma — how do you think he would fare then?"
I prefer vodka, myself. This analogy is lost on me. It's like one of Seleho's analogies that make no sense. Mar, I know you're reading this. Comment with one of Seleho's messed up analogies.
"I love when my boyfriend compares me to drugs!"
"I spoke to my brothers about it." He still stared into the distance. "To Jasper,
every one of you is much the same. He's the most recent to join our family. It's a
struggle for him to abstain at all. He hasn't had time to grow sensitive to the
differences in smell, in flavor." He glanced swiftly at me, his expression
apologetic.
I love this. The first three books are all about hammering home how Jasper is the youngest and how it's so hard to resist humans and then Bella gets turned into a vampire and she's perfect immediately.
Blah blah blah blah Edward filibuster blah blah blah blah blah blah.
"Well…" He contemplated for a moment. "It was just how close you were. Most
humans instinctively shy away from us, are repelled by our alienness… I wasn't
expecting you to come so close. And the smell of your throat." He stopped short,
looking to see if he'd upset me.
WHAT? Oh yeah, the vampires are beautiful to attract prey...except the prey instinctively stays away. RIP LOGIC.
I tucked my chin.
What does that mean?
"Be very still," he whispered, as if I wasn't already frozen.
Don't move, Bella. DON'T MOVE. DON'T FUCKING MOVE. I MEAN IT!
Then abruptly, but very gently, he rested his cold cheek against the hollow at the base of my
throat.
"Edward? Edward, do you mind moving? I love you but...you're uh, crushing my windpipe."
His face drifted to the side, his nose skimming across my collarbone. He came to
rest with the side of his face pressed tenderly against my chest.
Listening to my heart.
"Ah," he sighed.
This sequence is so lame. I can't even mock it more than it already mocks itself.
Those guys with huge bags under their eyes are so sexy.
Yay, piggyback ride!
"Hah! You're as white as a ghost — no, you're as white as me!"
HA HA HA HA HA OH EDWARD YOU'RE SO FUNNY!
"Silly Bella," he chuckled.
Lolol. I wrote a semi-parody of Twilight and I actually said, "Silly Bella." I tried to parody, but little did I know HE ACTUALLY SAYS THIS. You can't parody Twilight. It's such a self-parody already. It's like parodying Jack Chick.
Okay, let's talk about the vampires for a second. I don't have anything against taking artistic license with them. After all, they're not real, right? Here's a list of books/movies/TV shows who have changed vampires:
Buffy- They go into vampface.
Supernatural- retractable teeth.
Dresden Files- Three different kinds of vampires, all of which feed on different emotions (although I think the Red Court feeds on blood too? Not sure.) This was really interesting. They're more psychological vampires than anything else.
Moonlight- Vampires can go outside in daylight, as long as they wear hats? Or something? I didn't really pay attention. I just know I watched like three episodes and HATED the show. Even Logan Echolls couldn't save it for me. And Sophia Myles is so pretty! But I still hated the show. I gave it a chance. I really wanted to like it. But I don't. But that's a rant for another day (I actually think I already ranted on this somewhere else.)(Here it is: http://thelightsandbuzz.blogspot.com/2008/02/moonlight.html)
Fangland- I don't even understand the vampires in this book. I just know they scared the hell out of me, which is what vampires should do.
Blood Ties- Henry is invulnerable to religious paraphernalia. Oh, and Smeyer was trying to make Edward all sexually attractive? She should take a look at TV!Blood Ties to see how to do it right. Mmm, Henry...
So yeah. It's possible to change the vampire mythos and still have a good product and avoid irritating people. The difference is that all the vampires above had stuff in common: THEY WERE ACTUALLY SCARY. They were still identifiably vampires. It's not just the fact that they don't drink human blood. Angel doesn't. Most of the vamps in The Dresden Files don't. It's not just that they're "good" vampires. Angel, Thomas (Dresden Files), Henry Fitzroy, and Mick St. John (Moonlight) all are. The Twiverse vamps don't retain any traits of vampires. They can be out in the day. They don't sleep. They don't have fangs. They GLITTER. They're immune to garlic, crosses, and holy water. If all we have of vampires is the lore, and these "vampires" don't follow the lore, it follows that they aren't vampires. Oh sure, they drink blood, but that alone is not the mark of a vampire. Let's not forget that el Chupacabra drinks blood. Who's to say that the Cullens aren't all "Mexican goat-suckers" as Scully so eloquently puts it (Damn, I need some X-Files right now to cleanse my brain)? What makes them vampires? Nothing. The answer is nothing.
Now, to continue.
Oh, oh! Okay, I need to rant about Moonlight for a second. So, from what I've gathered, Mick St. John rescued Beth (Sophie Myles) when she was a child (like eight, or something) from vampires and then later, when she grows up, they fall in love. I had to work hard to not be squicked out. Okay, like, she's an adult and he's an adult and it's all legal and on the up and up and everything. I just get weirded out by the idea of having sex with someone you knew when you were an adult and they were a child. I had the same experience when I was reading this Heinlein book (I liked it, but apparently Heinlein is a raging mysoginist so I've been shying away from his books, but I've read every book in the Twilight series, so clearly, that's not a problem for me). Anyway, in this book this guy gets cryogenically frozen and then he wakes up like, twenty years later? And then he falls in love with this little kid that he knew before. Same squick factor. I know it's not TECHNICALLY statutory rape but yeah. It's almost like statutory rape.
Okay, wow. Back to the recap.
And then his cold, marble lips pressed very softly against mine.
Well, that's sexy. Okay, let's see. I want to test out how appealing it would be to kiss cold marble, but unfortunately I don't have a statue of David on hand. So I'm going to kiss my wall and I'll tell you how it goes. Okay, I did it. No seriously, I kissed my cold wall. It was...I don't know. Like kissing a wall? I'm not sure how much more descriptive I can get. It was cold and hard and weird. More and more I think kissing my wall would be EXACTLY like kissing Edward. It's cold, hard, and unresponsive. I also find it amusing how they kiss without tongue and just press their lips against each other but don't do anything. Like the kisses in movies from the 40's and 50's. Only those, I imagine, were hotter. Like, WOO, the George Peppard/Audrey Hepburn kiss in Breakfast at Tiffany's was AWESOME especially with the cat squished in the middle. And Ingrid Bergman and Humphrey Bogart? Hot. Myrna Loy/William Powell? Hot. Humphrey Bogart and that bitch I don't like from The Maltese Falcon? HOT. Somehow, Edward and Bella? Not hot.
"Are you still faint from the run? Or was it my kissing expertise?"
Kissing expertise? What kissing expertise? He didn't even DO anything.
"Bella, I've already expended a great deal of personal effort at this point to keep
you alive. I'm not about to let you behind the wheel of a vehicle when you can't
even walk straight. Besides, friends don't let friends drive drunk," he quoted with
a chuckle. I could smell the unbearably sweet fragrance coming off his chest.
"Drunk?" I objected.
"You're intoxicated by my very presence." He was grinning that playful smirk
again.
Good God. I'm about to commit seppeku right here with whatever is near...my lamp. I will bludgeon myself to death with my lamp.
What? WHAT? I thought I was on the second chapter for today. THERE IS ONE MORE PLEASE JUST LET ME DIE.
Chapter 14- Mind Over Matter
"Music in the fifties was good. Much better than the sixties, or the seventies,
ugh!" He shuddered. "The eighties were bearable."
Oh, fuck you, Edward. It's true that the fifties had Elvis and Johnny Cash and Jerry Lee Lewis, who are all awesome. But the sixties had The Beatles, Cream, Derek and the Dominoes, JIMI HENDRIX, The Who, Jefferson Airplane, etc. The seventies had Led Zeppelin and The Guess Who, plus The Beatles solo stuff, which was pretty good. The eighties were crap, except for Falco and Metallica. So fuck you Edward. You don't know what you're talking about. Oh, and Beethoven is so much better than Debussy. HA.
"There's nothing like an unsolved mystery to keep you up at night."
Dude, I know. Sometimes I sit up at night wondering why Rice Krispies snap, crackle, and pop.
He gazed into the sun; the minutes passed.
Why is that sentence necessary?
Edward Cullen would be two years younger than my great-grandmother, were she alive today (God rest her soul). Now, that is creepy.
He heard my intake of breath, though it was barely audible to my own ears.
How does she know that? The thing about first person is that you only know the MAIN CHARACTER'S thoughts and feelings, unless the secondary characters tell her what they are thinking and feeling. She would have NO idea if he heard her or not. DAMMIT, Smeyer.
I know I've had this rant already, but why does everyone think that Carlisle is the second coming of Jesus Christ? He saves people, so he's good. But what if those people DIDN'T WANT TO BE SAVED? I wouldn't want to be cursed with a thirst for blood and immortality. I have never, ever, wanted to live forever and if someone made me live forever without my consent, I would be livid. Smeyer had a PRIME OPPORTUNITY to put some psychological tension in the book between Carlisle and Edward especially but of course Smeyer is scared of anything deeper than lust based on looks so she chickens out.
No doubt his quick mind had already comprehended every aspect that eluded me.
Not hard to do.
"No, that's just Carlisle. He would never do that to someone who had another
choice." The respect in his voice was profound whenever he spoke of his father
figure.
See? See? Carlisle is portrayed as this compassionate, amazing Christ figure. But his actions are morally questionable at best.
Oh, and? And? Carlisle basically turns the people and then brings them home AS POTENTIAL LIFE PARTNERS. Puh-leeze. They're like vampire mail order brides.
"I suppose we'll have to go to their wedding in a few years, again."
I don't get this. Why do they have to keep getting married? They only interact with their family. They don't have to keep getting married for THEIR benefit. And why couldn't they just come to town ALREADY married? The lack of logic hurts my head.
Okay, so for some reason Alice can't remember her human life at all and I think she was in a mental institution? But I don't remember this EVER being explained. FAIL.
"The door was unlocked?"
"No, I used the key from under the eave."
BECAUSE THAT'S NOT SCARY AT ALL.
"I was curious about you."
"You spied on me?" But somehow I couldn't infuse my voice with the proper
outrage. I was flattered.
He was unrepentant. "What else is there to do at night?"
WHAT? WHAT? WHY IS SHE FLATTERED THAT A FREAK IS WATCHING HER. AND APPARENTLY HE'S NOT JUST WATCHING HER, HE'S SITTING IN HER CHAIR INSIDE HER ROOM.
"You're interesting when you sleep." He spoke matter-of-factly. "You talk."
"No!" I gasped, heat flooding my face all the way to my hairline.
I love how she's not freaked out about the fact that he watches her without her knowledge, but that he might have heard her say something in her sleep. And wtf would she say? Kat said "Mmm, Pringles." I laugh in my sleep occasionally. Mar says, "Scramble." Wow, sooo embarrassing.
How many times does Edward chuckle, for fuck's sake? 39. THIRTY-NINE TIMES. THERE ARE OTHER WORDS TO INDICATE LAUGHING, YOU KNOW. Chuckle doesn't even look like a word anymore.
I don't even know how long this post is going to be. But I want it to be over soon. Please, God. I would rather read The Magic Circle again than read this crap. And yet I continue.
He sat up slowly, so as not to startle me again. Then he leaned forward and
reached out with his long arms to pick me up, gripping the tops of my arms like I
was a toddler. He sat me on the bed beside him.
Why is this attractive? "My boyfriend treats me like a toddler and carries me everywhere. That's so awesome!"
I can't remember what review I was reading, but someone said that they thought Smeyer was attempting to create a kind of Lizzie/Mr. Darcy witty repartee. I totally think this is true. It's like she's trying SO HARD to make Bella into an independent, witty girl and trying SO HARD to make Edward into a witty, charming guy but it is just NOT WORKING.
"I'm just pleasantly surprised," he clarified. "In the last hundred years or so," his
voice was teasing, "I never imagined anything like this. I didn't believe I would
ever find someone I wanted to be with… in another way than my brothers and
sisters. And then to find, even though it's all new to me, that I'm good at it… at
being with you…"
HAHA HA HA HA HA HA I'm sorry. I love in 100+ years, he has never been attracted to anyone. EVER. Growing Up Cullen is canon, ladies and gentlemen.
"You're good at everything," I pointed out.
He shrugged, allowing that, and we both laughed in whispers.
Arrogant prick. I also love how the implication here is that if you totally squelch your sexual impulses, you have tons of time to pick up different hobbies.
"That suits me," he replied, his face relaxing into a gentle smile. "Bring on the
shackles — I'm your prisoner."
Oh, geez, I don't even know what to say. This just sounds like really really bad dialogue from a Harlequin romance or bad soap opera.
But his long hands formed manacles around my wrists as he spoke.
It's interested that she would choose the imagery of manacles, especially since she seems to be a masochist. Manacles usually aren't sexy, or something that is widely desired. They bring to mind someone trapped, someone kept prisoner against their wills. Which Bella seems to be. Or, you know, Smeyer could just be thinking of those love cuffs that I saw everywhere in Barcelona.
"Isn't it supposed to be like this?" He smiled. "The glory of first love, and all
that. It's incredible, isn't it, the difference between reading about something,
seeing it in the pictures, and experiencing it?"
The pictures=movies? Okay, I get being influenced by 18th century literature or whatever, but sometimes the archaic speech can go too far.
"Darn it," I muttered.
"Darn! I'm from the fifties and swearing is for heathens!"
He paused. "Should I sing you to sleep?"
"Because I'm a little baby."
"Just because I'm resisting the wine doesn't mean I can't appreciate the bouquet,"
he whispered. "You have a very floral smell, like lavender… or freesia," he
noted. "It's mouthwatering."
Oh, I totally get this. When I take out my floral scented shampoo, I get this huge urge to just take a mouthful. SERIOUSLY, flowers AREN'T APPETIZING.
Carlise's power is compassion. Esme's ability is to love. Emmett's ability is to be a big bruiser type, apparently. Rosalie's power is stubbornness. Wow, that's some great powers there. You can tell she loves Alice and Edward the most, since they get the best powers.
"You said that Rosalie and Emmett will get married soon… Is that… marriage…
the same as it is for humans?"
He laughed in earnest now, understanding. "Is that what you're getting at?"
I fidgeted, unable to answer.
"Yes, I suppose it is much the same," he said. "I told you, most of those human
desires are there, just hidden behind more powerful desires."
"Oh," was all I could say.
"Was there a purpose behind your curiosity?"
"Well, I did wonder… about you and me… someday…"
He was instantly serious, I could tell by the sudden stillness of his body. I froze,
too, reacting automatically.
"I don't think that… that… would be possible for us."
"Because it would be too hard for you, if I were that… close?"
I love love love how they can't EVER say the word "sex." They try to get their points across in the most roundabout ways possible. It took me a little while to figure out what they were talking about there. Even in Breaking Dawn, where Bella wanted sex sex sex ALL THE FREAKING TIME, I don't think they ever used the word.
Dear God, please let this chapter end soon.
HA, HE LISTENED.
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