Chapter 55
Attached
The little face, pale under the deep tan of her skin, peeped around Kyle's elbow again with a
swish of long, curly black hair.
Excuse me? How can she be pale and tan at the same time?
“Kyle's got a guest, and you're scarin' the snot out of her, people."
Ha ha, I love how Smeyer's worked herself up to saying "hell" and "damn" but she still can't bring herself to say "shit."
So, the girl that Kyle brought back is terrified and she's clinging to Kyle because she can't function by herself, much like every single female in every single book written by Smeyer.
“Probably ought to git along to Doc,” Jeb continued with a sigh, giving the frightened little
woman a wistful glance. I guessed he was sad to be missing out on new stories.
Or he's just sad cuz he doesn't get to fuck her.
Side note: I'm watching Golden Girls and Blanche's prof said he'd pass her in the class if she slept with him. The BEST part is that the prof is played by Deep Throat from The X-Files! Lmao. I think of him in X-Files and then I think of the skeezy guy he plays in this episode, and I laugh.
"Sunny was in Jodi's old room, alone. I snuck in after they'd all been asleep
for hours. I yanked Sunny up, threw her over my shoulder, and jumped out the window. I
thought she was going to start screaming, so I was really booking it back to the jeep."
The mental images here are amazing. Can you IMAGINE if some big guy broke into your room, threw you over his shoulder, and then just fucking RAN? He's like a Cro-Magnon.
Chapter 56
Welded
Wanderer lets it slip that she has to leave and Ian freaks the fuck out.
Ian, tired of waiting, grabbed my arm and hauled me up from the floor. When Sunny seemed
like she was coming along, too, still joined to my side, Ian shook me until she fell off.
Yes, those big strong men. They are so attractive.
“C'mon,” Ian snarled, dragging me away from them without a backward glance.
“Ian –”
He wrenched me roughly along, making it impossible for me to speak. That was fine. I had no
idea what to say.
Yeesh, this pisses me off. Never mind that he had a complete personality transplant (BAD WRITING) but this is abuse, ANY WAY YOU SLICE IT.
“Did you know about this?” Ian shouted back, shoving me toward Jared and shaking me at
him.
What? I am completely unable to visualize what is going on here. I thought he just pushed her over to Jared, but then he's shaking her? I imagine this going down like a dog shaking a chew toy. This is so bizarre.
“Ian, stop,” I begged.
“You stop,” he growled back at me.
This reminds me of something funny. I was watching Twilight with Rifftrax, and after Edward saves Bella from the gang she's like, "you should put your seatbelt on" and he's like, "Ha ha ha, why don't YOU put your seatbelt on!" and Kevin Murphy goes, in this exaggerated teenage voice, "Ha ha ha ha ha, no YOU put your seatbelt on! Ha ha ha ha, no YOU!"
It was then that I began to feel the throbbing from Ian's grip. His hand was tight as a tourniquet around my upper arm, his long fingers making the circle easily and then overlapping. My hand was going numb.
I'm not even kidding. This is definitely abuse. There is NO WAY you can rationalize this.
“You. Are. Not. Leaving. Me.” His eyes blazed–burning brighter than I had ever seen them,
blue flames.
THIS! IS! SPARTA!
“Ian, please. Don't feel this way. Don't. I'm so sorry. Please.”
I was crying, too, shaking, too, though that might have been him shaking me.
“You can't leave.”
“I have to, I have to,” I sobbed.
And then we cried wordlessly for a long time.
That was the worst segue I have ever seen in my life.
“Sorry,” he whispered. “I was mean.”
No shit, you jackass, although "mean" is not the word I was thinking of. He's mean in the way Ted Bundy was mean.
With Ian it was different, so very different, because Melanie didn't love him the way I did. So
when he touched me, it was deeper and slower than the wildfire, like the flow of molten rock far beneath the surface of the earth. Too deep to feel the heat of it, but it moved inexorably,
changing the very foundations of the world with its advance.
Argh, this is SO PURPLE. I'm actually cringing right now because it is SO BAD.
And I started to cry again, realizing that it must be changing him, too, this man who was kind
enough to be a soul but strong as only a human could be.
Argh, STOP STARTING YOUR SENTENCES WITH "AND".
Ian randomly decides to hold a tribunal.
Chapter 57
Completed
Nothing really happened here. They tried to get Jodi to wake up, nothing was decided in the tribunal, more mushy Ian/Wanderer stuff and blah blah blah blah.
Chapter 58
Finished
Gasoline and an open flame–we exploded again.
"And you exploded. Yeah. That was kind of weird." Also, please explain to me how "exploding" is romantic imagery?
“Eustace. It's a family name, and my parents were cruel people.”
Noooo! GodDAMMIT. Now whenever I read The Silver Chair (my FAVOURITE Narnia book) I will think of this book.
Anyway, Wanderer goes to be removed.
Chapter 59
Remembered
I believe there are some pretty good lulz coming up. Good thing too, because these last few chapters have been pretty lacklustre.
She's a new neighbor–how nice. I love new friends.
These are the most inane two sentences I have ever read in my life.
“Of course! Come with me. I'm Petals Open to the Moon, but my family mostly calls me Pet."
Ugh, SO cutesy. I want to toss my cookies.
His hand swings toward my face, and I gasp. I suck in the mist that comes from his hand. A
silver cloud that tastes like raspberries.
LOL WUT. What is happening? WHAT IS GOING ON IT'S AN ACID FLASHBACK!
The setting of the memory threw me off for a moment because I wasn't used to so much
civilization–at the same time, I knew nothingbut civilization. A pretty dresser with all kinds of
frilly and delicate things on top of it. A profusion of dainty glass bottles containing the scents I
loved–I loved? Or she loved?–so much. A potted orchid. A set of silver combs.
Here's what I imagine her new host body being. I imagine her being a ten year old spoiled little brat, like the kid from that Shirley Temple movie with all the pilots. This kid also lives in the Victorian age. I mean, this is supposed to be a modern girl, presumably, but she has a set of silver combs? I mean, what?
This is another of my favourite parts!
“But still older. I'm almost –” And then I stopped, changing my sentence abruptly. “My
birthday is in two weeks.”
I might have been disoriented and confused, but I wasn't stupid. Melanie's experiences had not
gone to waste; I had learned from them. Ian was every bit as honorable as Jared, and I was not going to go through the frustration Melanie had.
So I lied, giving myself an extra year. “I'll be eighteen.”
She LIED ABOUT HER AGE SO HE COULD FUCK HER. Oh man, Smeyer is dropping to NEW DEPTHS.
“Jodi? What happened to Jodi?” I chirped, my little voice going higher, like a bird's, with
anxiety.
Birds don't have voices. Also, this reminds me of one of my FAVOURITE stories. There's this girl named Kerri who I went to school with. She was the most annoying and stupid person EVER. I'm not even lying to you. Anyway, we had to present these book reviews to the class, and she was reviewing some book about ghosts. You know how your voice gets higher when you ask a question? She asked this really really long question, and her voice kept getting SO HIGH. The question was something like, "Can Billy escape from the church before he faints from loss of blood and will he ever figure out what the ghosts are blah blah blah blah?" and her voice was so high by the end. Heidi and I were looking at each other and trying so hard not to laugh. Good times. I mean, who does that? Everyone waits until the end of the question to get higher, EXCEPT APPARENTLY KERRI.
Epilogue
People touched my cheeks often, or put their fingers under my chin, holding my face up to see it better. I was frequently patted on my head (which was in easy reach, since I was shorter than everyone but the children), and my hair was stroked so regularly that I stopped noticing when it happened.
Who does that? She's sixteen. No one strokes my hair except my mom. PERFECT STRANGERS do not do this. When was the last time Smeyer went outside?
Ew. So we have Pet and now the Healer's name is Candy?
This epilogue is long enough to be a chapter in itself.
Ian asks Melanie to have sex with him in the most roundabout way possible and it honestly takes like a page to show this whole conversation.
And then he kissed me in the most unplatonic way possible under the crowded circumstances,
and I was thrilled to remember that I'd been smart enough to lie about my age.
That's nutso, and that is all I'm going to say about that.
And they find another group of colonists, who also have their own friendly soul and it's a happy ending as per usual the end.
Showing posts with label The Host. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Host. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
Saturday, July 04, 2009
The Host Redux Chapters 53 and 54
Chapter 53
Condemned
Lacey is the name of the Seeker's host. Turns out that the Seeker could still hear Lacey but kept it a secret. Oh also, hilariously, she...well, see for yourself:
"She was jealous of you; isn't that pathetic? She wanted to be strong like you."
HA HA HA HA HA HA SHE'S JEALOUS BECAUSE WANDERER'S STRONG! What planet do these people live on?
Jeb stroked his gun more than usual.
Lmao. This is my FAVOURITE sexual innuendo of the whole thing.
They go on a raid to send the Seeker to another planet. Nothing happens. No one gets suspicious. All in all, a completely useless sequence. As per usual.
“It's my house. Anyone who can't abide by this agreement will have to get out.”
I bet the Dude will abide.
Chapter 54
Forgotten
So, they kidnapped two healers and tried to extract the parasites. The dude died and the girl can't remember who she is.
Forty-five, maybe a little younger, maybe a little older.
So she's either forty five, younger than that, or older than that.
These chapters were boring.
Condemned
Lacey is the name of the Seeker's host. Turns out that the Seeker could still hear Lacey but kept it a secret. Oh also, hilariously, she...well, see for yourself:
"She was jealous of you; isn't that pathetic? She wanted to be strong like you."
HA HA HA HA HA HA SHE'S JEALOUS BECAUSE WANDERER'S STRONG! What planet do these people live on?
Jeb stroked his gun more than usual.
Lmao. This is my FAVOURITE sexual innuendo of the whole thing.
They go on a raid to send the Seeker to another planet. Nothing happens. No one gets suspicious. All in all, a completely useless sequence. As per usual.
“It's my house. Anyone who can't abide by this agreement will have to get out.”
I bet the Dude will abide.
Chapter 54
Forgotten
So, they kidnapped two healers and tried to extract the parasites. The dude died and the girl can't remember who she is.
Forty-five, maybe a little younger, maybe a little older.
So she's either forty five, younger than that, or older than that.
These chapters were boring.
Friday, July 03, 2009
The Host Redux Chapters 49-52
Chapter 49
Interrogated
I'm really hungry right now. This may make me more cranky.
I don't remember Wes dying the last time I read this. I remember him having a way bigger part. Maybe my mind was making unconscious alterations to the story so that it wasn't as painful. Kind of like when Maria changes the endings of books, like at the end of the Guardian when she pretended that the dog lived.
Blah blah self-loathing blah guilt blah blah blah.
The Seeker was alive; the Seeker was here.
Whoa, deja vu!
But Jared's alive, Jared's here,she crooned.
So, does Smeyer just have a list of words and phrases she can use in her novels? Like, chagrin, topaz, and chuckle would be on the list, as well as phrases like "smooth as marble" "skin was cold", etc. Apparently, also on this list is "______is alive, ______ is here."
Here's how little I am into this book, other than the fact that I just about typed "movie." I had to go back to page 120 to find that second quote, and I just kept recapping from there. I didn't even notice I wasn't in the right place until right now.
So anyway, they captured the Seeker with no effort and are keeping her with no effort.
His face was expressionless, the blank facade that meant he was in the grip of some strong emotion. His poker face.
Him and Lady Ga Ga both. P-p-p-poker face p-p-poker face.
“They're ready to be done with guard duty. It's a hard time."
I'm sure it is. They sit there and point a gun at her. So friggin' difficult.
I'd never traced along the outside wall. It was uneven, with jutting
rocks that would leave bruises and cause me to trip. Staying on the inside was a shorter walk
anyway.
And these facts are integral to this story.
“I didn't know humans had the patience to starve someone to death. That seems like too
complex a plan for you shortsighted creatures to grasp.”
Huh? Sitting back and not feeding someone is complex?
“Careful,” Aaron cautioned. “She's an angry little thing.”
There's all this talk about how small the Seeker is. I imagine her looking like Kylie Minogue.
Chapter 50
Sacrificed
It takes like five pages of vague and ambiguous statements to finally get this across, but Wanderer is going to give the humans the secret of how to get the soul out. Why didn't she mention this before? She would rather that Doc kept going and killing both humans and souls? Oh, duh, because she didn't want to die. Never mind.
This chapter is seriously so boring. NOTHING is happening.
His long face was gentle, the opposite of alarming.
Why didn't she just stop that sentence at "gentle"?
Chapter 51
Prepared
"Be prepaaaaaaaaared!"
“What do you need me to do?” Jared asked.
“I'm making a raid. I could use some… extra muscle.”
"And God knows you're not good for anything else!"
The Seeker didn't seem to be as… what was the word
Jared had used?Altruistic. As altruistic as the rest of us.
No shit. Are you seriously just noticing this now?
To my shock, Jared came to lie beside me,right beside me. He curled around the curve of my back.
Whoa. They're spooning. When did they become that cozy? Did I miss a chapter? How incredibly awkward would that be if he got a boner just then? These are the questions on my mind.
Wanderer tells the story about how she had to do the soul extraction surgery. It should be thrilling but it's not. On the ice sculpting bear planet, she and another bear were out for a walk or something and a claw beast attacked the bear and half-killed it and Wanderer extracted the soul and then the bear died. Then I think she puts the soul in the claw beast, somehow. This is from memory. I'm not actually reading that part. But who cares? It's not like it's plot-relevant.
But I couldn't stand to let him die inside the broken half of his Bear host.
So, the top half was broken but the bottom half was A-Ok? I didn't know you could make that distinction when you cut someone in half.
So, as she's doing this surgery, what in the world is the claw beast doing? Just sitting back politely for her to finish? This claw beast is like the ninjas in generic action movies. If there's a group of ninjas (or any kind of antagonist) and they're fighting one person, they will politely attack the hero one by one, thus allowing him to pick them off one by one. Or, more likely, Smeyer just forgot what the hell was happening in the scene.
“He was still alive. I barely paused to ascertain this. I shoved him into the egg pocket in the
center of my body, between the two hottest hearts."
This is giving me Empire Strikes Back flashbacks. Remember when Han Solo stuffs Luke into the Tauntaun to protect him from the cold? Yeah. You know what else I imagine as I read about these claw beasts? There's this movie that's shown every Christmas, called Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. There's one part where Rudolph is being attacked by a yeti. I imagine the claw beasts looking a lot like that. I also imagine the yeti when I watch Empire Strikes Back, so this part of The Host is like a mishmash of a really good movie, a semi-passable movie, and then the horrible reality of the novel.
“I made it to the beast's back and ran up the double spine, digging in with my knives so that it
couldn't shake me off."
Yeah, that's a great idea. Give the thing an irreversible spinal cord injury before inserting the parasite. Now the soul not only lost its original host, but got a crippled one right after!
My ice cutters were only… about as long as your forearm, maybe. The claw beast's hide
was twice as thick.
I'm having a hard time imagining this claw beast. She said it was as big as a blue whale so I don't know, I imagine it as looking kind of like a ginormous Wampa with fins. Its skin is about as thick as my whole arm though. How can that stupid thing feel ANYTHING? I'm also having a really hard time imagining the ice sculpting bears. I imagine them as bears with arms like the T-1000 when he turns them into like, twin katanas.
Chapter 52
Separated
It seems like these people do a lot of crowing. Maybe they're birds, and that's the plot twist.
Smeyer just cuts out the WHOLE raid after Wanderer's lame story. It's kind of jarring.
Love you too, Mel. But there's not room for the both of us here. In this body, in this cave, in
their lives…
I disagree.
Ha, she sounds exactly like my old Social Studies teacher. Whenever we answered a question and it was wrong, he would be like, "I disagree." I'm not sure if Smeyer meant Mel to sound like a sixty year old teacher.
I thought of those burning kisses in the hall…thought of other kisses and other nights in her memory.
Oh come on. Everyone reading this knows that everyone (except Lucina, I guess, since she had a baby) is a virgin.
So, the big secret is to cut along the scar where the soul was inserted and lift it up with a fingertip? I'm...not getting why this was so enigmatic. Wouldn't that be the first thing Doc tried?
Interrogated
I'm really hungry right now. This may make me more cranky.
I don't remember Wes dying the last time I read this. I remember him having a way bigger part. Maybe my mind was making unconscious alterations to the story so that it wasn't as painful. Kind of like when Maria changes the endings of books, like at the end of the Guardian when she pretended that the dog lived.
Blah blah self-loathing blah guilt blah blah blah.
The Seeker was alive; the Seeker was here.
Whoa, deja vu!
But Jared's alive, Jared's here,she crooned.
So, does Smeyer just have a list of words and phrases she can use in her novels? Like, chagrin, topaz, and chuckle would be on the list, as well as phrases like "smooth as marble" "skin was cold", etc. Apparently, also on this list is "______is alive, ______ is here."
Here's how little I am into this book, other than the fact that I just about typed "movie." I had to go back to page 120 to find that second quote, and I just kept recapping from there. I didn't even notice I wasn't in the right place until right now.
So anyway, they captured the Seeker with no effort and are keeping her with no effort.
His face was expressionless, the blank facade that meant he was in the grip of some strong emotion. His poker face.
Him and Lady Ga Ga both. P-p-p-poker face p-p-poker face.
“They're ready to be done with guard duty. It's a hard time."
I'm sure it is. They sit there and point a gun at her. So friggin' difficult.
I'd never traced along the outside wall. It was uneven, with jutting
rocks that would leave bruises and cause me to trip. Staying on the inside was a shorter walk
anyway.
And these facts are integral to this story.
“I didn't know humans had the patience to starve someone to death. That seems like too
complex a plan for you shortsighted creatures to grasp.”
Huh? Sitting back and not feeding someone is complex?
“Careful,” Aaron cautioned. “She's an angry little thing.”
There's all this talk about how small the Seeker is. I imagine her looking like Kylie Minogue.
Chapter 50
Sacrificed
It takes like five pages of vague and ambiguous statements to finally get this across, but Wanderer is going to give the humans the secret of how to get the soul out. Why didn't she mention this before? She would rather that Doc kept going and killing both humans and souls? Oh, duh, because she didn't want to die. Never mind.
This chapter is seriously so boring. NOTHING is happening.
His long face was gentle, the opposite of alarming.
Why didn't she just stop that sentence at "gentle"?
Chapter 51
Prepared
"Be prepaaaaaaaaared!"
“What do you need me to do?” Jared asked.
“I'm making a raid. I could use some… extra muscle.”
"And God knows you're not good for anything else!"
The Seeker didn't seem to be as… what was the word
Jared had used?Altruistic. As altruistic as the rest of us.
No shit. Are you seriously just noticing this now?
To my shock, Jared came to lie beside me,right beside me. He curled around the curve of my back.
Whoa. They're spooning. When did they become that cozy? Did I miss a chapter? How incredibly awkward would that be if he got a boner just then? These are the questions on my mind.
Wanderer tells the story about how she had to do the soul extraction surgery. It should be thrilling but it's not. On the ice sculpting bear planet, she and another bear were out for a walk or something and a claw beast attacked the bear and half-killed it and Wanderer extracted the soul and then the bear died. Then I think she puts the soul in the claw beast, somehow. This is from memory. I'm not actually reading that part. But who cares? It's not like it's plot-relevant.
But I couldn't stand to let him die inside the broken half of his Bear host.
So, the top half was broken but the bottom half was A-Ok? I didn't know you could make that distinction when you cut someone in half.
So, as she's doing this surgery, what in the world is the claw beast doing? Just sitting back politely for her to finish? This claw beast is like the ninjas in generic action movies. If there's a group of ninjas (or any kind of antagonist) and they're fighting one person, they will politely attack the hero one by one, thus allowing him to pick them off one by one. Or, more likely, Smeyer just forgot what the hell was happening in the scene.
“He was still alive. I barely paused to ascertain this. I shoved him into the egg pocket in the
center of my body, between the two hottest hearts."
This is giving me Empire Strikes Back flashbacks. Remember when Han Solo stuffs Luke into the Tauntaun to protect him from the cold? Yeah. You know what else I imagine as I read about these claw beasts? There's this movie that's shown every Christmas, called Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. There's one part where Rudolph is being attacked by a yeti. I imagine the claw beasts looking a lot like that. I also imagine the yeti when I watch Empire Strikes Back, so this part of The Host is like a mishmash of a really good movie, a semi-passable movie, and then the horrible reality of the novel.
“I made it to the beast's back and ran up the double spine, digging in with my knives so that it
couldn't shake me off."
Yeah, that's a great idea. Give the thing an irreversible spinal cord injury before inserting the parasite. Now the soul not only lost its original host, but got a crippled one right after!
My ice cutters were only… about as long as your forearm, maybe. The claw beast's hide
was twice as thick.
I'm having a hard time imagining this claw beast. She said it was as big as a blue whale so I don't know, I imagine it as looking kind of like a ginormous Wampa with fins. Its skin is about as thick as my whole arm though. How can that stupid thing feel ANYTHING? I'm also having a really hard time imagining the ice sculpting bears. I imagine them as bears with arms like the T-1000 when he turns them into like, twin katanas.
Chapter 52
Separated
It seems like these people do a lot of crowing. Maybe they're birds, and that's the plot twist.
Smeyer just cuts out the WHOLE raid after Wanderer's lame story. It's kind of jarring.
Love you too, Mel. But there's not room for the both of us here. In this body, in this cave, in
their lives…
I disagree.
Ha, she sounds exactly like my old Social Studies teacher. Whenever we answered a question and it was wrong, he would be like, "I disagree." I'm not sure if Smeyer meant Mel to sound like a sixty year old teacher.
I thought of those burning kisses in the hall…thought of other kisses and other nights in her memory.
Oh come on. Everyone reading this knows that everyone (except Lucina, I guess, since she had a baby) is a virgin.
So, the big secret is to cut along the scar where the soul was inserted and lift it up with a fingertip? I'm...not getting why this was so enigmatic. Wouldn't that be the first thing Doc tried?
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
The Host Redux Chapters 47 and 48
Chapter 47
Employed
Another reason he [Pedobear] was good at this life–he saw priorities uncontaminated by personal desire.
He sounds like a Dalek. "Exterminate....EXTERMINATE!"
“Hi there. New in town?”
“Yes. Brand-new.”
“What brings you to Byers?”
"Well, Langly was being kind of a jerk, saying his kung fu was better than mine, and Frohike was hacking into the DoD again."
On the television screen, two souls were speaking their lines clearly, their bodies held with
perfect posture. It wasn't hard to pick up what was happening in the story because there wasn't a lot of variety in the scripts souls wrote. In this one, two souls were reconnecting after a long separation. The male's stint with the See Weeds had come between them, but he'd chosen to be human because he guessed his partner from the Mists Planet would be drawn to these warm-blooded hosts. And, miracle of miracles, he'd found her here.
They all had happy endings.
Lmao. Does this sound familiar? It's like every single Smeyer novel ever. She writes this example for maximum ridiculousness, but she doesn't realize that all her books are like that. She's the least self-aware person I know of.
Anyhoo, everyone's driving home and a cop car comes up behind them. Oh no, will our intrepid heroes defeat the cop and continue back home with little to no effort? I can't wait to find out!
Chapter 48
Detained
The red and blue lights swirled in time with the siren's cry.
Good story that I completely forgot about. Danielle's mom was driving Danielle, Stacey, and I believe Nicole home. They saw these lights behind the car and Danielle and Nicole were like, "It's a UFO! Omg it's a UFO!" and they're both freaking out. Then Stacey's like, "um, you guys, it's just a cop car."
Chagrin. I could do chagrin. I could feel it now.
No other author has ever made me hate a word with such vociferousness.
Yup, just a few lies, and the Seeker goes away with no problem. Well, that was very thrilling.
Also, the Seekers killed Wes. No one cares.
Employed
Another reason he [Pedobear] was good at this life–he saw priorities uncontaminated by personal desire.
He sounds like a Dalek. "Exterminate....EXTERMINATE!"
“Hi there. New in town?”
“Yes. Brand-new.”
“What brings you to Byers?”
"Well, Langly was being kind of a jerk, saying his kung fu was better than mine, and Frohike was hacking into the DoD again."
On the television screen, two souls were speaking their lines clearly, their bodies held with
perfect posture. It wasn't hard to pick up what was happening in the story because there wasn't a lot of variety in the scripts souls wrote. In this one, two souls were reconnecting after a long separation. The male's stint with the See Weeds had come between them, but he'd chosen to be human because he guessed his partner from the Mists Planet would be drawn to these warm-blooded hosts. And, miracle of miracles, he'd found her here.
They all had happy endings.
Lmao. Does this sound familiar? It's like every single Smeyer novel ever. She writes this example for maximum ridiculousness, but she doesn't realize that all her books are like that. She's the least self-aware person I know of.
Anyhoo, everyone's driving home and a cop car comes up behind them. Oh no, will our intrepid heroes defeat the cop and continue back home with little to no effort? I can't wait to find out!
Chapter 48
Detained
The red and blue lights swirled in time with the siren's cry.
Good story that I completely forgot about. Danielle's mom was driving Danielle, Stacey, and I believe Nicole home. They saw these lights behind the car and Danielle and Nicole were like, "It's a UFO! Omg it's a UFO!" and they're both freaking out. Then Stacey's like, "um, you guys, it's just a cop car."
Chagrin. I could do chagrin. I could feel it now.
No other author has ever made me hate a word with such vociferousness.
Yup, just a few lies, and the Seeker goes away with no problem. Well, that was very thrilling.
Also, the Seekers killed Wes. No one cares.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
The Host Redux Chapters 45 and 46
Chapter 45
Succeeded
I should be filling a Calling somewhere, whether teaching at a university or serving food in a restaurant. A peaceful, easy life contributing to a greater good.
So...this is Communist propaganda now?
Had she noticed that my pack, once flat, was now bulging?
Heh. That's what SHE said.
They get the medicine with absolutely no trouble at all and then heal Jamie with absolutely no trouble the end.
Chapter 46
Encircled
“You should have seen her,” Jared said. “She was incredible.”
Incredible? She drove to a hospital, got healed, and then stole some medicine. No one was suspicious. No on asked questions. It was as easy as going to the grocery store.
“It was very easy. I'm a bugger, too, after all.”
No you aren't. You know why? Because the Formics were way way way MORE AWESOME and I wish I was reading Ender's Game right now.
I was really flying high now.
That would be the acid.
“You should have seen her,” Jared repeated in a low voice, still stroking my arm.
Ian's fingers brushed across my cheek.
So she's sitting there with one guy stroking her arm and another guy stroking her cheek, like the goddamn Queen of Sheba or something. Smeyer, keep your wish fulfillment to a minimum PLEASE. I can't take much more.
Those remaining slouched down where we were as room became available. Gradually, we
melted in place until we were horizontal. My head ended up pillowed on Jared's stomach; his
hand stroked my hair now and then. Jamie's face was against my chest, and his arms were
around my neck. One of my arms wrapped around his shoulders. Ian's head was cushioned on
my stomach, and he held my other hand to his face. I could feel Doc's long leg stretched beside
mine, his shoe by my hip. Doc was asleep–I could hear him snoring. I may have even been
touching Kyle somewhere.
It's ORGY TIME.
“She's not going out again,” Ian answered, his body tensing. I brushed my hand against his face, trying to soothe him.
“Of course not,” I murmured to him. “I don't have to go anywhere unless I'm needed. I don't
mind staying in here.”
If you imagine that this is a novel about an abusive husband and his submissive wife (not much of a stretch) then this sequence fits right in. I'm cringing inside right now. I'm not even kidding. This makes me so uncomfortable.
“She's a person, Jared, not a tool.”
I'm not so sure about that.
Succeeded
I should be filling a Calling somewhere, whether teaching at a university or serving food in a restaurant. A peaceful, easy life contributing to a greater good.
So...this is Communist propaganda now?
Had she noticed that my pack, once flat, was now bulging?
Heh. That's what SHE said.
They get the medicine with absolutely no trouble at all and then heal Jamie with absolutely no trouble the end.
Chapter 46
Encircled
“You should have seen her,” Jared said. “She was incredible.”
Incredible? She drove to a hospital, got healed, and then stole some medicine. No one was suspicious. No on asked questions. It was as easy as going to the grocery store.
“It was very easy. I'm a bugger, too, after all.”
No you aren't. You know why? Because the Formics were way way way MORE AWESOME and I wish I was reading Ender's Game right now.
I was really flying high now.
That would be the acid.
“You should have seen her,” Jared repeated in a low voice, still stroking my arm.
Ian's fingers brushed across my cheek.
So she's sitting there with one guy stroking her arm and another guy stroking her cheek, like the goddamn Queen of Sheba or something. Smeyer, keep your wish fulfillment to a minimum PLEASE. I can't take much more.
Those remaining slouched down where we were as room became available. Gradually, we
melted in place until we were horizontal. My head ended up pillowed on Jared's stomach; his
hand stroked my hair now and then. Jamie's face was against my chest, and his arms were
around my neck. One of my arms wrapped around his shoulders. Ian's head was cushioned on
my stomach, and he held my other hand to his face. I could feel Doc's long leg stretched beside
mine, his shoe by my hip. Doc was asleep–I could hear him snoring. I may have even been
touching Kyle somewhere.
It's ORGY TIME.
“She's not going out again,” Ian answered, his body tensing. I brushed my hand against his face, trying to soothe him.
“Of course not,” I murmured to him. “I don't have to go anywhere unless I'm needed. I don't
mind staying in here.”
If you imagine that this is a novel about an abusive husband and his submissive wife (not much of a stretch) then this sequence fits right in. I'm cringing inside right now. I'm not even kidding. This makes me so uncomfortable.
“She's a person, Jared, not a tool.”
I'm not so sure about that.
Monday, June 29, 2009
The Host Redux Chapters 39-44
Chapter 39
Worried
So let's review. Ian likes Wanderer. Pedobear fucking HATES Wanderer and wants to kill her until he realizes Ian likes her. Now he's jealous and wants her all to himself. DOES THAT SOUND HEALTHY?
Before, Ian was bland (like all Smeyer characters) but also semi-likeable. I'll admit it. I didn't hate him. Now she attempts to make him "charmingly flirtatious" but only manages to achieve "creepily manic". Does she consciously try to change her characters' personalities halfway through a novel? What am I saying, of course it's just bad writing.
Wanderer's eating lunch and Ian is sitting by her, "flirting" with her and he's like, trying to force her to like him or whatever. Wasn't it just last chapter that he was like, "It's okay if you don't like me right now. I'll give you time to think about it"? Wtf?
Jamie's constant state of euphoria
Also known as mania. This, along with Ian's complete personality change (dissociative identity disorder?), and Wanderer's extreme low self-esteem brings the total count of Smeyer characters with some kind of undiagnosed mental disorder up to...six.
Pedobear keeps going on these raids, and even Jamie went to one. Ian doesn't. At all. What, is he too scared?
“I thought they were going to be back today,” I challenged.
How is that a challenge? It's a statement. A protest, maybe. Not a challenge.
Ian tricks Wanderer into playing soccer. He's so crafty and fun-loving!
“Do you know the rules?” Lily asked me.
Um, it's not like they're that hard. I hate sports and soccer was pretty much the only one I could play. You kick the ball into a net and don't touch it with your hands. I said soccer was the only sport I could play, but I sure wasn't good at it. In gym class, I tried to do as little as possible. Soccer was great because my strategy was this: stand in front of the net (I called this "playing defense") and just kick the ball as far away as possible. I fucking RULED at kicking the ball as far away as possible. Side note: one of my favourite gym moments was during lacrosse. Heidi and I didn't want to play so we invented this game where we pretended to fence and if she hit my arm, I had to play without an arm, and if she hit my leg, I had to play without a leg, etc. If someone won, they had to have a handicap, which I believe was closing one eye. No one appeared to notice us until the ball hit my foot. It seemed like EVERYONE was staring at us, waiting for us to do something with the ball. I was slightly embarrassed, kicked the ball away, and then continued sword fighting. Good times.
Lily called the game when we hit twenty-one.
Does...Smeyer know how soccer works? You play 21 in BASKETBALL. That's the one with the basket and the ball. Soccer games never go past like, five goals.
I always thought of Wes as being like, 40, but I think he's 19, right? Or maybe that's another tertiary character we don't care about. I'm not sure how old Lily is. She says she's too old for Wes. I imagine her being like, a 40 year old cougar. Side note: I saw a cougar at the mall. She was like 35 and was wearing tight jeans, boots, and an orange tube top with fishnet over top. I saw her in Le Chateau and Lindsay and I were laughing about it, then I was waiting for Lindsay on a bench and I saw the cougar AGAIN and then when we went on the escalator I saw her AGAIN. I think she was stalking me.
“Tired?” he asked, the innocence in his tone a bit overdone. Being funny. He stretched. “I think
I'm ready for bed myself.” He leered in a melodramatic way.
WHERE DOES THIS COME FROM? He's like a completely different person. He's supposed to be the gentlemanly, kind, protective guy but now he's turned into the overly-forward jokingly flirtatious guy. This is not character development. This is character multiple personality disorder.
Chapter 40
Horrified
So why is Doc getting drunk all the time? No, he's not trying to drink to forget that he's in this book. He's doing surgery on humans to try to remove the souls. Wanderer sees and she flips out.
“She's hysterical,” Doc told him. “Hold on.”
A sharp, stinging blow whipped across my face.
Apparently the last time Smeyer learned first-aid was in the Victorian age. Do people do this anymore?
“Yes. If you or I had walked in on a human vivisection, with torn body parts, with blood
splattered on everything, it wouldn't have been as bad for us as it was for her.
The last (and first) time I saw the word "vivisection" was in The Island of Dr. Moreau, which was made in either the late 19th or early 20th century. I believe now it's called either "surgery" or "autopsy." Or is it necropsy? They aren't human, after all. Huh.
And it wouldn't be a Smeyer novel without the female lead going catatonic! Wanderer flips out and runs into the tunnels.
Chapter 41
Vanished
Turns out Jamie has an infection. Wanderer can't find Melanie and she asks Ian to kiss her.
Chapter 42
Forced
With a title like that, this sounds like a GREAT chapter.
Anyway, the kiss with Ian doesn't bring Melanie back so now Wanderer has to kiss Pedobear. Good GOD, Smeyer, there's wish fulfillment and then there's this. No one who has a brain wants to read your fantasies.
“I lost Melanie,” I whispered.
“Youlost her!”
I nodded miserably.
His voice was hard and angry. “How?”
Okay Pedobear, I don't like her either, but it's hardly her fault that Melanie decided to disappear.
One hand continued, as I knew it would, down my arm to my wrist, leaving a trail of fire
behind it. The other cupped beneath my jaw, as I knew it must, and pulled my face up.
You guys, I can hardly continue. This is just SO HOT. I feel so invested in their love right now.
His lips tasted every inch of my face.
Ha ha, I imagine this being like that one episode of 6teen. Caitlin went out with this guy who was a really bad kisser. He like, licked her face and drooled everywhere. This is the mental image that I get.
My legs wrapped around his waist, the wall giving me the leverage I needed.
Whoa, are they fucking? Also, is Ian watching this? Remember, voyeurism is A-OK, kids!
His gold-flecked eyes were open, too, half an inch away.
My sister has eyes like this, except it's less golden than brown. It's just one brown spot on her eye. I told her it was because she was full of shit.
“I'm warning you, Mel,” Jared said, still smiling widely. Teasing. “You better stay right here.
I'm not making any guarantees about what I will or won't do to get you back.”
So...he's planning on raping her?
Chapter 43
Frenzied
"Trying solves nothing."
Good to know that Yoda is a fount of knowledge even after the end of the world.
“Patient, isn't it?” Kyle spit.
SPIT IS NOT THE PAST TENSE OF SPIT.
“If… we can get… to the jeep… we'll be in… the clear.
“If we… can't?” I asked.
“They catch us… they'll kill you. Ian's… right about… that part.”
“Going to… take off the blindfold. You'll be… faster.”
The tragic stroke that affected Ian a few chapters ago now seems to have spread.
Also, OH GAWD, FLASHBACKS OF JOHN RINGO'S GHOST!
As the fabric fell away from my eyes, I focused them only on the ground at my feet.
It made a world of difference.
So, taking off a blindfold makes a world of difference? Huh. This is groundbreaking stuff.
Pedobear and Wanderer are going on a journey to get medicine for a sick Jamie. So...this is a remake of Balto, then?
Chapter 44
Healed
Wanderer has to get into the hospital so she makes Pedobear hit her with a rock. Smeyer's head must be a strange place, full of S&M fantasies and Stockholm Syndrome.
“Ahh,” he gasped, sickened. “I took half your face off. I'm so sorry.”
"On the bright side, now you can get work as a Batman villain!"
I took the ugly knife. It had a heavy handle and was very sharp; it came to a tapered point at the tip.
Kinda like, you know, every single other knife in existence.
The Healer was a young woman. Her hair, skin, and eyes were all a similar shade of light
brown. It made her unusual looking–monochromatic. She wore tan scrubs that only added to
that impression.
So this must be the female Edward. Or is Edward the female Edward?
The room was familiar. I'd been in only one place like this, but Melanie's childhood was full of
such memories.
Such were the trials of the life of an abused child.
All the medicine has names like "clean" "inside clean" "smooth" "heal" "no pain" and "seal." Wanderer was adamant that she had to have a wound just like Jamie's so the doctors would inadvertantly tell her what to get, but with expository names like that, how is that even necessary?
Worried
So let's review. Ian likes Wanderer. Pedobear fucking HATES Wanderer and wants to kill her until he realizes Ian likes her. Now he's jealous and wants her all to himself. DOES THAT SOUND HEALTHY?
Before, Ian was bland (like all Smeyer characters) but also semi-likeable. I'll admit it. I didn't hate him. Now she attempts to make him "charmingly flirtatious" but only manages to achieve "creepily manic". Does she consciously try to change her characters' personalities halfway through a novel? What am I saying, of course it's just bad writing.
Wanderer's eating lunch and Ian is sitting by her, "flirting" with her and he's like, trying to force her to like him or whatever. Wasn't it just last chapter that he was like, "It's okay if you don't like me right now. I'll give you time to think about it"? Wtf?
Jamie's constant state of euphoria
Also known as mania. This, along with Ian's complete personality change (dissociative identity disorder?), and Wanderer's extreme low self-esteem brings the total count of Smeyer characters with some kind of undiagnosed mental disorder up to...six.
Pedobear keeps going on these raids, and even Jamie went to one. Ian doesn't. At all. What, is he too scared?
“I thought they were going to be back today,” I challenged.
How is that a challenge? It's a statement. A protest, maybe. Not a challenge.
Ian tricks Wanderer into playing soccer. He's so crafty and fun-loving!
“Do you know the rules?” Lily asked me.
Um, it's not like they're that hard. I hate sports and soccer was pretty much the only one I could play. You kick the ball into a net and don't touch it with your hands. I said soccer was the only sport I could play, but I sure wasn't good at it. In gym class, I tried to do as little as possible. Soccer was great because my strategy was this: stand in front of the net (I called this "playing defense") and just kick the ball as far away as possible. I fucking RULED at kicking the ball as far away as possible. Side note: one of my favourite gym moments was during lacrosse. Heidi and I didn't want to play so we invented this game where we pretended to fence and if she hit my arm, I had to play without an arm, and if she hit my leg, I had to play without a leg, etc. If someone won, they had to have a handicap, which I believe was closing one eye. No one appeared to notice us until the ball hit my foot. It seemed like EVERYONE was staring at us, waiting for us to do something with the ball. I was slightly embarrassed, kicked the ball away, and then continued sword fighting. Good times.
Lily called the game when we hit twenty-one.
Does...Smeyer know how soccer works? You play 21 in BASKETBALL. That's the one with the basket and the ball. Soccer games never go past like, five goals.
I always thought of Wes as being like, 40, but I think he's 19, right? Or maybe that's another tertiary character we don't care about. I'm not sure how old Lily is. She says she's too old for Wes. I imagine her being like, a 40 year old cougar. Side note: I saw a cougar at the mall. She was like 35 and was wearing tight jeans, boots, and an orange tube top with fishnet over top. I saw her in Le Chateau and Lindsay and I were laughing about it, then I was waiting for Lindsay on a bench and I saw the cougar AGAIN and then when we went on the escalator I saw her AGAIN. I think she was stalking me.
“Tired?” he asked, the innocence in his tone a bit overdone. Being funny. He stretched. “I think
I'm ready for bed myself.” He leered in a melodramatic way.
WHERE DOES THIS COME FROM? He's like a completely different person. He's supposed to be the gentlemanly, kind, protective guy but now he's turned into the overly-forward jokingly flirtatious guy. This is not character development. This is character multiple personality disorder.
Chapter 40
Horrified
So why is Doc getting drunk all the time? No, he's not trying to drink to forget that he's in this book. He's doing surgery on humans to try to remove the souls. Wanderer sees and she flips out.
“She's hysterical,” Doc told him. “Hold on.”
A sharp, stinging blow whipped across my face.
Apparently the last time Smeyer learned first-aid was in the Victorian age. Do people do this anymore?
“Yes. If you or I had walked in on a human vivisection, with torn body parts, with blood
splattered on everything, it wouldn't have been as bad for us as it was for her.
The last (and first) time I saw the word "vivisection" was in The Island of Dr. Moreau, which was made in either the late 19th or early 20th century. I believe now it's called either "surgery" or "autopsy." Or is it necropsy? They aren't human, after all. Huh.
And it wouldn't be a Smeyer novel without the female lead going catatonic! Wanderer flips out and runs into the tunnels.
Chapter 41
Vanished
Turns out Jamie has an infection. Wanderer can't find Melanie and she asks Ian to kiss her.
Chapter 42
Forced
With a title like that, this sounds like a GREAT chapter.
Anyway, the kiss with Ian doesn't bring Melanie back so now Wanderer has to kiss Pedobear. Good GOD, Smeyer, there's wish fulfillment and then there's this. No one who has a brain wants to read your fantasies.
“I lost Melanie,” I whispered.
“Youlost her!”
I nodded miserably.
His voice was hard and angry. “How?”
Okay Pedobear, I don't like her either, but it's hardly her fault that Melanie decided to disappear.
One hand continued, as I knew it would, down my arm to my wrist, leaving a trail of fire
behind it. The other cupped beneath my jaw, as I knew it must, and pulled my face up.
You guys, I can hardly continue. This is just SO HOT. I feel so invested in their love right now.
His lips tasted every inch of my face.
Ha ha, I imagine this being like that one episode of 6teen. Caitlin went out with this guy who was a really bad kisser. He like, licked her face and drooled everywhere. This is the mental image that I get.
My legs wrapped around his waist, the wall giving me the leverage I needed.
Whoa, are they fucking? Also, is Ian watching this? Remember, voyeurism is A-OK, kids!
His gold-flecked eyes were open, too, half an inch away.
My sister has eyes like this, except it's less golden than brown. It's just one brown spot on her eye. I told her it was because she was full of shit.
“I'm warning you, Mel,” Jared said, still smiling widely. Teasing. “You better stay right here.
I'm not making any guarantees about what I will or won't do to get you back.”
So...he's planning on raping her?
Chapter 43
Frenzied
"Trying solves nothing."
Good to know that Yoda is a fount of knowledge even after the end of the world.
“Patient, isn't it?” Kyle spit.
SPIT IS NOT THE PAST TENSE OF SPIT.
“If… we can get… to the jeep… we'll be in… the clear.
“If we… can't?” I asked.
“They catch us… they'll kill you. Ian's… right about… that part.”
“Going to… take off the blindfold. You'll be… faster.”
The tragic stroke that affected Ian a few chapters ago now seems to have spread.
Also, OH GAWD, FLASHBACKS OF JOHN RINGO'S GHOST!
As the fabric fell away from my eyes, I focused them only on the ground at my feet.
It made a world of difference.
So, taking off a blindfold makes a world of difference? Huh. This is groundbreaking stuff.
Pedobear and Wanderer are going on a journey to get medicine for a sick Jamie. So...this is a remake of Balto, then?
Chapter 44
Healed
Wanderer has to get into the hospital so she makes Pedobear hit her with a rock. Smeyer's head must be a strange place, full of S&M fantasies and Stockholm Syndrome.
“Ahh,” he gasped, sickened. “I took half your face off. I'm so sorry.”
"On the bright side, now you can get work as a Batman villain!"
I took the ugly knife. It had a heavy handle and was very sharp; it came to a tapered point at the tip.
Kinda like, you know, every single other knife in existence.
The Healer was a young woman. Her hair, skin, and eyes were all a similar shade of light
brown. It made her unusual looking–monochromatic. She wore tan scrubs that only added to
that impression.
So this must be the female Edward. Or is Edward the female Edward?
The room was familiar. I'd been in only one place like this, but Melanie's childhood was full of
such memories.
Such were the trials of the life of an abused child.
All the medicine has names like "clean" "inside clean" "smooth" "heal" "no pain" and "seal." Wanderer was adamant that she had to have a wound just like Jamie's so the doctors would inadvertantly tell her what to get, but with expository names like that, how is that even necessary?
Friday, June 26, 2009
The Host Redux Chapters 35-38
Chapter 35
Tried
Ian and Wanderer bond for like five pages. It's boring.
Kyle's having a tribunal. They argue. Kyle gets to live but he'll die if he tries again. This chapter could have been a lot shorter.
Chapter 36
Believed
“Jared got a new ball?” someone asked.
Pedobear, that's not going to make you any more brave.
Jared had a shiny new soccer ball in his
hand; he held it out, and Isaiah, the older child, jumped up and down trying to knock it from his hand.
This reminds me of a funny story. Last year I was in a class called rock band, which was a music class where you played rock/pop songs. We played a concert at an elementary school and a bunch of kids where talking to the drummer (whose name I, weirdly, can't recall right now, so I will refer to him as My Bro. He's not actually my brother, but we're friends and we fist bump each other). One of the kids jumped up and grabbed his drumstick and fucking RAN. My Bro shrugged and gave away the other drumstick, and then minutes later we heard an announcement saying "Whoever took a drum stick, please bring it back to the rock band in the gym." It was funny.
I was able to get onto all fours, and then I pulled my good leg forward so I was kneeling on the bad. It hurt.
No shit, you dumbass. This reminds me of the best birthday party ever. I was at Katherine's house and Kat, Maria, and I were sleeping on the hideabed. Kat's brother came in to watch Pokemon and then after he was like, "what do you want to watch?" and I was joking and I was like, "oh, Barney" so Mar, Michael, and I watched Barney. This one kid was talking about how he got stung by a bee and he was like, "Yesterday, I got stung by a bee. It hurt." But he said it in this completely deadpan voice like he didn't care. It was so funny. Side note: At the same birthday, Michael threw the remote to me and it hit the sleeping Kat. She farted SO LOUDLY when it hit her. It was hilarious. We all started laughing but she never woke up. That was like ten years ago and Mar still remembers it.
Anyhoo. Pedobear helps Wanderer because she's like falling over or whatever and then they bond. I guess at this point we're supposed to think that Pedobear is a sweet guy, but I still think he's loathesome.
“I can see that.” He touched my battered face with one fingertip. “Sorry.”
“No. Anyone would do the same. I know what you must have felt.”
"I'm sorry I made you hit me, sweetie!"
Kyle says he won't kill Wanderer because she saved his life.
Chapter 37
Wanted
“Ah…” I frowned. “I don't really know. I suppose there's still a mat by the ho–
That would be Lucina, that slut.
Oh, the testosterone is choking me:
And then a strong arm was under my arms, supporting my weight.
“I'll get her where she needs to go,” Ian said.
Jared's face was careful, the way he looked at me when he didn't want me to know what he
was thinking. But he was looking at Ian now.
“We were just discussing where exactly that would be. She's tired. Maybe the hospital… ?”
I shook my head at the same time Ian did. After the past horrible days spent there, I didn't think
I could bear the room I'd once misguidedly feared. Especially Walter's empty bed…
“I've got a better place for her,” Ian said. “Those cots aren't much softer than rock, and she's
got a lot of sore spots.”
Jared still held my hand. Did he realize how tightly he was gripping it? The pressure was
starting to get uncomfortable, but he didn't seem aware. And I certainly wasn't going to
complain.
“Why don't you get lunch?” Jared suggested to Ian. “You look hungry. I'll take her wherever
you had planned… ?”
Ian chuckled, a low, dark sound. “I'm fine. And honestly, Jared, Wanda needs a bit more help
than a hand. I don't know if you're… comfortable enough with the situation to give her that.
You see –”
Ian paused to lean down and pull me quickly up into his arms. I gasped as the movement
tugged at my side. Jared didn't free my hand. My fingertips were turning red.
“–she's actually had enough exercise for one day, I think. You go on ahead to the kitchen.”
Oh, here's an idea. Why don't you ask Wanderer where she wants to go?
And, the dumbest sequence in this book (yes, it beats out the ice sculpting bears)
They stared at each other while my fingertips turned purple.
“I can carry her,” Jared finally said in a low voice.
“Can you?” Ian challenged. He held me out, away from his body.
An offer.
An OFFER? Are you shitting me? SHE'S A SENTIENT BEING, not a goddamn vase.
“The girl in there…” Jared said slowly.
“Yes?”
“That body doesn't belong to her.”
“Your point?”
Jared's voice was hard when he answered. “Keep your hands off it.”
Or, you could ask the GIRL what she wants. Shocking concept, I know.
“No, you fool, Wanda!”
You fool! Ian gets jealous because Pedobear implies that he kissed Wanderer/Melanie.
Chapter 38
Touched
Now they're having this completely academic and logic-driven discussion about their feelings about each other. Somehow, I think it should be different.
He pressed them only lightly to mine, and then brushed them back and forth across my mouth.
Lmfao, I'm not sure that's how kissing works. I imagine this as being like an Eskimo kiss but with lips.
Oh ho, so Pedobear is trying to get Wanderer to move back in with him and Jamie. HOW TRICKY.
Tried
Ian and Wanderer bond for like five pages. It's boring.
Kyle's having a tribunal. They argue. Kyle gets to live but he'll die if he tries again. This chapter could have been a lot shorter.
Chapter 36
Believed
“Jared got a new ball?” someone asked.
Pedobear, that's not going to make you any more brave.
Jared had a shiny new soccer ball in his
hand; he held it out, and Isaiah, the older child, jumped up and down trying to knock it from his hand.
This reminds me of a funny story. Last year I was in a class called rock band, which was a music class where you played rock/pop songs. We played a concert at an elementary school and a bunch of kids where talking to the drummer (whose name I, weirdly, can't recall right now, so I will refer to him as My Bro. He's not actually my brother, but we're friends and we fist bump each other). One of the kids jumped up and grabbed his drumstick and fucking RAN. My Bro shrugged and gave away the other drumstick, and then minutes later we heard an announcement saying "Whoever took a drum stick, please bring it back to the rock band in the gym." It was funny.
I was able to get onto all fours, and then I pulled my good leg forward so I was kneeling on the bad. It hurt.
No shit, you dumbass. This reminds me of the best birthday party ever. I was at Katherine's house and Kat, Maria, and I were sleeping on the hideabed. Kat's brother came in to watch Pokemon and then after he was like, "what do you want to watch?" and I was joking and I was like, "oh, Barney" so Mar, Michael, and I watched Barney. This one kid was talking about how he got stung by a bee and he was like, "Yesterday, I got stung by a bee. It hurt." But he said it in this completely deadpan voice like he didn't care. It was so funny. Side note: At the same birthday, Michael threw the remote to me and it hit the sleeping Kat. She farted SO LOUDLY when it hit her. It was hilarious. We all started laughing but she never woke up. That was like ten years ago and Mar still remembers it.
Anyhoo. Pedobear helps Wanderer because she's like falling over or whatever and then they bond. I guess at this point we're supposed to think that Pedobear is a sweet guy, but I still think he's loathesome.
“I can see that.” He touched my battered face with one fingertip. “Sorry.”
“No. Anyone would do the same. I know what you must have felt.”
"I'm sorry I made you hit me, sweetie!"
Kyle says he won't kill Wanderer because she saved his life.
Chapter 37
Wanted
“Ah…” I frowned. “I don't really know. I suppose there's still a mat by the ho–
That would be Lucina, that slut.
Oh, the testosterone is choking me:
And then a strong arm was under my arms, supporting my weight.
“I'll get her where she needs to go,” Ian said.
Jared's face was careful, the way he looked at me when he didn't want me to know what he
was thinking. But he was looking at Ian now.
“We were just discussing where exactly that would be. She's tired. Maybe the hospital… ?”
I shook my head at the same time Ian did. After the past horrible days spent there, I didn't think
I could bear the room I'd once misguidedly feared. Especially Walter's empty bed…
“I've got a better place for her,” Ian said. “Those cots aren't much softer than rock, and she's
got a lot of sore spots.”
Jared still held my hand. Did he realize how tightly he was gripping it? The pressure was
starting to get uncomfortable, but he didn't seem aware. And I certainly wasn't going to
complain.
“Why don't you get lunch?” Jared suggested to Ian. “You look hungry. I'll take her wherever
you had planned… ?”
Ian chuckled, a low, dark sound. “I'm fine. And honestly, Jared, Wanda needs a bit more help
than a hand. I don't know if you're… comfortable enough with the situation to give her that.
You see –”
Ian paused to lean down and pull me quickly up into his arms. I gasped as the movement
tugged at my side. Jared didn't free my hand. My fingertips were turning red.
“–she's actually had enough exercise for one day, I think. You go on ahead to the kitchen.”
Oh, here's an idea. Why don't you ask Wanderer where she wants to go?
And, the dumbest sequence in this book (yes, it beats out the ice sculpting bears)
They stared at each other while my fingertips turned purple.
“I can carry her,” Jared finally said in a low voice.
“Can you?” Ian challenged. He held me out, away from his body.
An offer.
An OFFER? Are you shitting me? SHE'S A SENTIENT BEING, not a goddamn vase.
“The girl in there…” Jared said slowly.
“Yes?”
“That body doesn't belong to her.”
“Your point?”
Jared's voice was hard when he answered. “Keep your hands off it.”
Or, you could ask the GIRL what she wants. Shocking concept, I know.
“No, you fool, Wanda!”
You fool! Ian gets jealous because Pedobear implies that he kissed Wanderer/Melanie.
Chapter 38
Touched
Now they're having this completely academic and logic-driven discussion about their feelings about each other. Somehow, I think it should be different.
He pressed them only lightly to mine, and then brushed them back and forth across my mouth.
Lmfao, I'm not sure that's how kissing works. I imagine this as being like an Eskimo kiss but with lips.
Oh ho, so Pedobear is trying to get Wanderer to move back in with him and Jamie. HOW TRICKY.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
The Host Redux Chapters 31 and 32
Chapter 31
Needed
So, Wanderer is going to see Walter (guy who's going to die soon so he doesn't really matter) because he thinks that she is his wife, Gladys (or, as I like to think of her in my mind, GLADOS.)
This is so useless. We don't know Walter well enough to care about him, so why is this sequence even in here? It's so superfluous.
“The pain's too much for him to stay conscious. Let him be,” Doc said.
"Okay, Nowhere Man. You be the Fool on the Hill. See if I care."
Brandt was not a big man like Kyle or Ian; he was probably only a few inches taller than me,
but he was thick and solid as a rhinoceros.
Few inches taller than I, bitch.
The Seeker's coming after Wanderer with a helicopter, but don't be fooled, there will no action in this book.
“Rope?” Doc echoed blankly.
I thought that said "rape" for a second.
“Come on, Doc. Don't be stupid. You've got some big vents in here, and a lot of reflective
metal.” Brandt gestured to a file cabinet against the far wall. “You let your attention wander for half a minute, and it'll be flashing signals to that Seeker.”
Yeah, because I'm sure the Seeker will be able to see a reflection from a helicopter coming from a FUCKING CAVE UNDERGROUND with no sunlight present.
This chapter is so useless.
“There's enough to stop the pain for maybe three or four days, that's all,” Jared said. “If you
give it to him in doses.”
No shit, you fucking moron. I'm so sure they're going to give him ALL THE PAINKILLERS AT THE SAME TIME.
Chapter 32
Ambushed
ZOMG YOU GUYS, THERE'S ACTUALLY SOMETHING HAPPENING!
Kyle ambushes (I SEE WHAT YOU DID THAR, SMEYER) Wanderer (I actually just forgot her name there for like, a minute) in the bathhouse thingie.
DAMMIT, there's so much TALK. JUST GET TO THE ACTION, ALREADY.
How is it possible that even a fight scene is boring in this book? Seriously. I can't even get the motivation to describe it. All you have to know is that Kyle attacks her, he starts to fall in a hole or something, and then she saves him.
Needed
So, Wanderer is going to see Walter (guy who's going to die soon so he doesn't really matter) because he thinks that she is his wife, Gladys (or, as I like to think of her in my mind, GLADOS.)
This is so useless. We don't know Walter well enough to care about him, so why is this sequence even in here? It's so superfluous.
“The pain's too much for him to stay conscious. Let him be,” Doc said.
"Okay, Nowhere Man. You be the Fool on the Hill. See if I care."
Brandt was not a big man like Kyle or Ian; he was probably only a few inches taller than me,
but he was thick and solid as a rhinoceros.
Few inches taller than I, bitch.
The Seeker's coming after Wanderer with a helicopter, but don't be fooled, there will no action in this book.
“Rope?” Doc echoed blankly.
I thought that said "rape" for a second.
“Come on, Doc. Don't be stupid. You've got some big vents in here, and a lot of reflective
metal.” Brandt gestured to a file cabinet against the far wall. “You let your attention wander for half a minute, and it'll be flashing signals to that Seeker.”
Yeah, because I'm sure the Seeker will be able to see a reflection from a helicopter coming from a FUCKING CAVE UNDERGROUND with no sunlight present.
This chapter is so useless.
“There's enough to stop the pain for maybe three or four days, that's all,” Jared said. “If you
give it to him in doses.”
No shit, you fucking moron. I'm so sure they're going to give him ALL THE PAINKILLERS AT THE SAME TIME.
Chapter 32
Ambushed
ZOMG YOU GUYS, THERE'S ACTUALLY SOMETHING HAPPENING!
Kyle ambushes (I SEE WHAT YOU DID THAR, SMEYER) Wanderer (I actually just forgot her name there for like, a minute) in the bathhouse thingie.
DAMMIT, there's so much TALK. JUST GET TO THE ACTION, ALREADY.
How is it possible that even a fight scene is boring in this book? Seriously. I can't even get the motivation to describe it. All you have to know is that Kyle attacks her, he starts to fall in a hole or something, and then she saves him.
Monday, June 22, 2009
The Host Redux 25-30
Once again, I have managed to miss my recaps and I have them all backed up. So, here we go.
Chapter 25
Compelled
Everyone did their part, and since I had no right to be here, I tried to work twice as hard as the others. I could not earn a place, I knew that, but I tried to make my presence as light a burden as possible.
Goddammit. Prisoners aren't SUPPOSED to make their presence less of a burden. If they didn't want the burden, they would KILL YOU, Wanderer. I really, really hate her.
Infodump on the other people in the colony. Smeyer doesn't care about them enough to make them three dimensional, so I'm not going to care enough to write down their names here. One thing I am going to mention, though, is that the first baby born in the colony is named - get his - Freedom. Fuck, why not just name it Apple and get it over with?
Jeb told me the occupants were afraid of me, which made me laugh. Were twenty-nine rattlesnakes afraid of a lone field mouse?
I hate self pity.
What the HELL is the point of describing what kind of sheets each room has? Seriously.
When Jared had showed him Melanie's last note.
It's "had SHOWN" you dumb bitch. Learn some basic grammar.
“You don't think your sister can be scary? Remember the time you went too far up the canyon, and when you came home late she 'threw a raging hissy fit,' according to Jared?”
I think it's hilarious when she tries to use contemporary slang. It sounds so AWKWARD.
Yes. YES! My favourite aliens:
“Well, see, they have these awesome hands.” Jamie was enthusiastic almost immediately. “Sort of double-jointed–they can curl both ways.” He flexed his own fingers, as if trying to bend them backward. “One side is soft, like my palm, but the other side is like razors! They cut the ice–ice sculpting. They make cities that are all crystal castles that never melt! It's beautiful, isn't it, Wanda?” He turned to me for backup.
I nodded. “They see a different range of colors–the ice is full of rainbows. Their cities are a
point of pride for them. They're always trying to make them more beautiful. I knew of one Bear who we called… well, something like Glitter Weaver, but it sounds better in that language, because of the way the ice seemed to know what he wanted and shaped itself into his dreams. I met him once and saw his creations. That's one of my most beautiful memories.”
IT'S THE FUCKING ICE SCULPTING BEARS! By favourite I mean "totally lame and HILARIOUS." Also...Glitter Weaver? WTF?
“Where did your kind begin?” Doc asked. “Do you remember? I mean, as a species, do you
know how you evolved?”
“The Origin,” I answered, nodding. “We still live there. It's where I was… born.”
“That's kind of special,” Jamie added. “It's rare to meet someone from the Origin, isn't it? Most
souls try to stay there, right, Wanda?”
So I'm confused. If everyone begins at the Origin, why is it rare to meet someone from there?
“It's a cool place,” Jamie went on. “Lots of clouds, with a bunch of different-colored layers."
It sounds like fucking Cloud City.
It's the only planet where the souls can live outside of a host for very long. The hosts on the Origin planet are really pretty, too, with sort of wings and lots of tentacles and big silver eyes.”
Of course they're pretty.
Chapter 26
Returned
An electric current ran through my body at the sound of my name spoken by a female voice.
Heh. Secret lesbo, perhaps?
Dammit, Pedobear's back. I remember him being gone for WAY longer, but waybe that's just because this book is so interminable.
So, the only time Melanie comes back to life is when her man is around. Perfect.
Pedobear and Kyle FREAK THE FUCK OUT and immediately want to kill Wanderer but Jamie's all, "NO!"
“Whew!” Ian breathed. “That was close. Nice thinking, Jeb.”
Yeah, great thinking TELLING PEDOBEAR TO CALM DOWN. I'm sure NO ONE would EVER think of doing that!
I was appalled–I could feel that my face was fixed in lines of horror. Jared was right–how could Jeb have let this happen? If they'd killed me the first day here, before Jamie had ever seen me…Or that first week, while Jared kept me isolated from everyone, before Jamie and I had become friends… Or if I had just kept my mouth shut about Melanie… It was too late for all that.
ARGH.
Chapter 27
Undecided
So now she and Melanie are deciding how best to die so that Jamie isn't hurt? How about NOT DYING AT ALL.
“Leave Jamie alone,” I said.
LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!
Pedobear shoves Wanderer into the wall because HE'S A BIG STRONG MAN, AND THOSE ARE SEXY.
I watched as Jared grabbed Jamie's shoulders and yanked the boy up from his crouch.
Ha, I read this as, "I watched as Jared grabbed Jamie's shoulders and yanked the boy up by his CROTCH." I was like, "whoa, that's a little unnecessary."
Chapter 28
Unenlightened
This chapter is so useless.
Nothing happens except near the end Pedobear goes all psycho serial killer and starts looking for Wanderer to kill her. Seriously. I don't remember this part being so freaking scary.
“I know it's with you,” Jared answered. He raised his voice, so that anyone between here and
the main plaza would hear. “Come out, come out, wherever you are,” he called, his voice hard
and mocking.
It's like the guy from Hide and Seek.
Chapter 29
Betrayed
But no one was holding me back now, and though his voice was cold and angry, Jared was calling to me. Melanie was even more eager than I was as I stepped carefully around the corner and into the blue light; I hesitated there.
WTF? Are you serious? He's calling to her like a psycho, and she's EXCITED TO GO SEE HIM? WHAT? ASLD;JFA;ISHFA;SDHF;AKSDHF;LAJSKHJ???????? Oh also, semicolon misuse, Smeyer. I OBJECT.
Pedobear wants to know if Melanie is still alive and Wanderer, for whatever reason, still insists on refusing to tell anyone that Melanie is alive. WTF?
Jared makes us feel that way without trying, just by being Jared.
Really? Because I think he's the most dangerous and psychotic character IN this book. I know I feel safe being with guys who go around hitting girls!
Wanderer's sick. She's getting this uncontrollable urge to caress Pedobear. Anyhoo, they kiss and then Melanie punches Pedobear.
Chapter 30
Abbreviated
Almost done.
Wanderer randomly runs away for no particular reason and like, goes into this catatonic state for a few days back in her little prison hole.
A few others missing: Travis, Carol, Ruth Ann.
Who the fuck are these people? They have literally never been mentioned before and I don't believe they get mentioned again. Damn this is bad writing.
One of those dim blue lights greeted us as we approached the hospital wing. (I knew now that
the lanterns were solar powered, left in sunny corners during the day to charge.)
I don't see how the brackets are necessary.
FINALLY, we're done for today.
Chapter 25
Compelled
Everyone did their part, and since I had no right to be here, I tried to work twice as hard as the others. I could not earn a place, I knew that, but I tried to make my presence as light a burden as possible.
Goddammit. Prisoners aren't SUPPOSED to make their presence less of a burden. If they didn't want the burden, they would KILL YOU, Wanderer. I really, really hate her.
Infodump on the other people in the colony. Smeyer doesn't care about them enough to make them three dimensional, so I'm not going to care enough to write down their names here. One thing I am going to mention, though, is that the first baby born in the colony is named - get his - Freedom. Fuck, why not just name it Apple and get it over with?
Jeb told me the occupants were afraid of me, which made me laugh. Were twenty-nine rattlesnakes afraid of a lone field mouse?
I hate self pity.
What the HELL is the point of describing what kind of sheets each room has? Seriously.
When Jared had showed him Melanie's last note.
It's "had SHOWN" you dumb bitch. Learn some basic grammar.
“You don't think your sister can be scary? Remember the time you went too far up the canyon, and when you came home late she 'threw a raging hissy fit,' according to Jared?”
I think it's hilarious when she tries to use contemporary slang. It sounds so AWKWARD.
Yes. YES! My favourite aliens:
“Well, see, they have these awesome hands.” Jamie was enthusiastic almost immediately. “Sort of double-jointed–they can curl both ways.” He flexed his own fingers, as if trying to bend them backward. “One side is soft, like my palm, but the other side is like razors! They cut the ice–ice sculpting. They make cities that are all crystal castles that never melt! It's beautiful, isn't it, Wanda?” He turned to me for backup.
I nodded. “They see a different range of colors–the ice is full of rainbows. Their cities are a
point of pride for them. They're always trying to make them more beautiful. I knew of one Bear who we called… well, something like Glitter Weaver, but it sounds better in that language, because of the way the ice seemed to know what he wanted and shaped itself into his dreams. I met him once and saw his creations. That's one of my most beautiful memories.”
IT'S THE FUCKING ICE SCULPTING BEARS! By favourite I mean "totally lame and HILARIOUS." Also...Glitter Weaver? WTF?
“Where did your kind begin?” Doc asked. “Do you remember? I mean, as a species, do you
know how you evolved?”
“The Origin,” I answered, nodding. “We still live there. It's where I was… born.”
“That's kind of special,” Jamie added. “It's rare to meet someone from the Origin, isn't it? Most
souls try to stay there, right, Wanda?”
So I'm confused. If everyone begins at the Origin, why is it rare to meet someone from there?
“It's a cool place,” Jamie went on. “Lots of clouds, with a bunch of different-colored layers."
It sounds like fucking Cloud City.
It's the only planet where the souls can live outside of a host for very long. The hosts on the Origin planet are really pretty, too, with sort of wings and lots of tentacles and big silver eyes.”
Of course they're pretty.
Chapter 26
Returned
An electric current ran through my body at the sound of my name spoken by a female voice.
Heh. Secret lesbo, perhaps?
Dammit, Pedobear's back. I remember him being gone for WAY longer, but waybe that's just because this book is so interminable.
So, the only time Melanie comes back to life is when her man is around. Perfect.
Pedobear and Kyle FREAK THE FUCK OUT and immediately want to kill Wanderer but Jamie's all, "NO!"
“Whew!” Ian breathed. “That was close. Nice thinking, Jeb.”
Yeah, great thinking TELLING PEDOBEAR TO CALM DOWN. I'm sure NO ONE would EVER think of doing that!
I was appalled–I could feel that my face was fixed in lines of horror. Jared was right–how could Jeb have let this happen? If they'd killed me the first day here, before Jamie had ever seen me…Or that first week, while Jared kept me isolated from everyone, before Jamie and I had become friends… Or if I had just kept my mouth shut about Melanie… It was too late for all that.
ARGH.
Chapter 27
Undecided
So now she and Melanie are deciding how best to die so that Jamie isn't hurt? How about NOT DYING AT ALL.
“Leave Jamie alone,” I said.
LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!
Pedobear shoves Wanderer into the wall because HE'S A BIG STRONG MAN, AND THOSE ARE SEXY.
I watched as Jared grabbed Jamie's shoulders and yanked the boy up from his crouch.
Ha, I read this as, "I watched as Jared grabbed Jamie's shoulders and yanked the boy up by his CROTCH." I was like, "whoa, that's a little unnecessary."
Chapter 28
Unenlightened
This chapter is so useless.
Nothing happens except near the end Pedobear goes all psycho serial killer and starts looking for Wanderer to kill her. Seriously. I don't remember this part being so freaking scary.
“I know it's with you,” Jared answered. He raised his voice, so that anyone between here and
the main plaza would hear. “Come out, come out, wherever you are,” he called, his voice hard
and mocking.
It's like the guy from Hide and Seek.
Chapter 29
Betrayed
But no one was holding me back now, and though his voice was cold and angry, Jared was calling to me. Melanie was even more eager than I was as I stepped carefully around the corner and into the blue light; I hesitated there.
WTF? Are you serious? He's calling to her like a psycho, and she's EXCITED TO GO SEE HIM? WHAT? ASLD;JFA;ISHFA;SDHF;AKSDHF;LAJSKHJ???????? Oh also, semicolon misuse, Smeyer. I OBJECT.
Pedobear wants to know if Melanie is still alive and Wanderer, for whatever reason, still insists on refusing to tell anyone that Melanie is alive. WTF?
Jared makes us feel that way without trying, just by being Jared.
Really? Because I think he's the most dangerous and psychotic character IN this book. I know I feel safe being with guys who go around hitting girls!
Wanderer's sick. She's getting this uncontrollable urge to caress Pedobear. Anyhoo, they kiss and then Melanie punches Pedobear.
Chapter 30
Abbreviated
Almost done.
Wanderer randomly runs away for no particular reason and like, goes into this catatonic state for a few days back in her little prison hole.
A few others missing: Travis, Carol, Ruth Ann.
Who the fuck are these people? They have literally never been mentioned before and I don't believe they get mentioned again. Damn this is bad writing.
One of those dim blue lights greeted us as we approached the hospital wing. (I knew now that
the lanterns were solar powered, left in sunny corners during the day to charge.)
I don't see how the brackets are necessary.
FINALLY, we're done for today.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
The Host Redux Chapters 23 and 24
Do you ever get two people mixed up and you have absolutely no hope of ever getting them straight? That's happening to me. I watched How To Lose Friends and Alienate People two days ago and Jeff Bridges is in it and I was like, "Hey, Jeff Bridges!" except I was thinking Jeff Daniels. And somehow, watching the movie, I didn't think that I didn't see Jeff Daniels in it. Then I downloaded The Big Lebowski and Jeff Bridges is ALSO in it and again, I was like, "Hey, Jeff Bridges!" except I was thinking Jeff Daniels. Then I saw Jeff Bridges in this movie, and connected him to his character in How To Lose Friends and Alienate People and then I wikied him and found out he's the brother of Beau Bridges, who plays Landry (NOT as good as Hammond, but still okay) on SG-1 and now I have a frame of reference for him, but I still can't separate him and Jeff Daniels in my mind. Further confusing things, I get Jeff Daniels mixed up with the guy who played one of the uncles (not Uncle Jesse, but the other one) on Full House. I also somehow keep thinking that David Carradine and Warren Beatty are the same person. My mind is a confusing place. Anyway, on to the recaps.
Chapter 23
Confessed
So let me ask you something. If you were kidnapped by a group of hostile humans and you believed they were all trying to kill you would you:
a) Try to escape
b) Make life as difficult as possible for your captors, or
c) Try to make life as easy for them as possible and do absolutely nothing to better your situation?
If you're a normal person, you'd choose a) and/or b). If you're a self-loathing moron, you would choose c). And yeah, there's the possibility of Stockholm Syndrome, but I'm pretty sure you don't get that IMMEDIATELY.
So Jamie comes to sleep with Wanderer and she's all, "You take the bed! I hate myself and I believe that everyone else is better than me and I'm like a puppy who has been repeatedly kicked, so I will take the floor. It's nothing less than I deserve." Jamie refuses and Wanderer goes "whatever" because she decides to just carry him and put him on the bed when he's asleep. Okay, you know, MAYBE I could get the whole thing where Melanie wants Jamie to take the bed out of a misplaced sense of familial love. What I can't get behind is her putting in so much effort to stay awake until Jamie is asleep and physically move him. I don't love anyone enough to put in that kind of effort.
We lay in silence for a while, listening to the low whistle of the doctor's breathing.
“Doc has a nice snore, doesn't he?” Jamie whispered.
At first I thought he was being sarcastic here, but I don't think he is. He is genuinely and unironically commenting on the niceness of the doctor's snore. I have never heard a snore I would describe as "nice." But the only person I know who snores is my mom and she has the most fucking insane snore. I actually taped her two nights ago. It was hilarious. Oh also, my brother occasionally snores. I remember sleeping with my mom at my aunt's house and my brother was sleeping on the floor. My mom and brother were snoring IN TANDEM and they sounded like a pair of motorcycles. I'm not even kidding. Like two motorcycles revving.
“You tired?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh.”
This dialogue is riveting.
“Is everybody like that?” Jamie whispered long after I thought he'd fallen asleep. “Does
everybody stay?”
“No,” I told him sadly. “No. Melanie is special.”
“She's strong and brave.”
“Very.”
Seriously? When has she EVER been strong and brave? All she does is avoid trying to take control of the body and pine for Pedobear. Yeah. Yeah, she's soooooooo strong and brave.
“Your sister and I have… spent a lot of time together. She shared you with me. And… I started
to… to love you, too.”
Bullshit. LIFE DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY. The year before last, my friend had this huge crush on a guy we shall call Waldo. I heard stories about him literally EVERY DAY and they were stupid stories like, "Today, Waldo and I went to the bathroom at the same time!" (That was actually a different guy, but it's just an example). I felt like I knew more about this guy than some guys I've gone to school with my whole life. I had a shitload of pictures of him on my computer so much so that I felt like a stalker even though I didn't ask for any information about this guy. My point is, I was exposed to this guy so much without ever actually meeting him, but I felt no feelings at all about him. I didn't fall in love with him. I didn't feel anything. He was just some guy I heard about all the time. Unless you are mentally unstable, you CANNOT fall genuinely in love with someone you haven't even met.
“And Jared, too?”
I gritted my teeth for a second, chagrined that he had made the connection so easily. “Of course I don't want anything to hurt Jared, either.”
"So, I told you that Melanie shared her memories of the most important people in her life, and I told you that I fell in love because of those memories, and then you make the connection that I must love Pedobear too? YOU ARE SO BRILLIANT, JAMIE!"
“Yes, but I am what I am, Jamie."
"I yam what I yam. Now be a love and go find Olive Oyl."
“Jared won't believe you, either. He'll be the angriest of them all.”
"He looked into a mirror awhile ago, and that's what it said. I think it used to belong to some chick named Snow White...?"
Jeb chuckled. I looked up at him, and he had that same pouncing-cat expression he'd had
yesterday. The solved-puzzle expression.
Ha ha! "The solved puzzle expression." I guess Smeyer lost her thesaurus.
Blah blah, Wanderer starts to work in the field and everyone else hates her.
Chapter 24
Tolerated
Apparently Wanderer has been wearing the same clothes for like two weeks.
“Jeb,” the caramel woman acknowledged dryly.
I thought that said "carnal woman" at first. Can I just say that "caramel woman" is the fucking stupidest descriptor I have EVER heard?
It seemed as if the places where the bruises had formed were more sensitive
than the rest of me–they must still have been there.
That's some great detective work there, Captain Obvious.
Jeb explained. “If you throw a frog in a pot of boiling water, it will hop right out. But if you put
that frog in a pot of tepid water and slowly warm it, the frog doesn't figure out what's going on until it's too late. Boiled frog. It's just a matter of working by slow degrees.”
That's almost as bad as one of Seleho's analogies.
Pull Jamie out of his class, Jeb needed to speak with him.
Ha, I thought this said, "Pull Jamie out of his ass."
That was a really useless chapter.
Chapter 23
Confessed
So let me ask you something. If you were kidnapped by a group of hostile humans and you believed they were all trying to kill you would you:
a) Try to escape
b) Make life as difficult as possible for your captors, or
c) Try to make life as easy for them as possible and do absolutely nothing to better your situation?
If you're a normal person, you'd choose a) and/or b). If you're a self-loathing moron, you would choose c). And yeah, there's the possibility of Stockholm Syndrome, but I'm pretty sure you don't get that IMMEDIATELY.
So Jamie comes to sleep with Wanderer and she's all, "You take the bed! I hate myself and I believe that everyone else is better than me and I'm like a puppy who has been repeatedly kicked, so I will take the floor. It's nothing less than I deserve." Jamie refuses and Wanderer goes "whatever" because she decides to just carry him and put him on the bed when he's asleep. Okay, you know, MAYBE I could get the whole thing where Melanie wants Jamie to take the bed out of a misplaced sense of familial love. What I can't get behind is her putting in so much effort to stay awake until Jamie is asleep and physically move him. I don't love anyone enough to put in that kind of effort.
We lay in silence for a while, listening to the low whistle of the doctor's breathing.
“Doc has a nice snore, doesn't he?” Jamie whispered.
At first I thought he was being sarcastic here, but I don't think he is. He is genuinely and unironically commenting on the niceness of the doctor's snore. I have never heard a snore I would describe as "nice." But the only person I know who snores is my mom and she has the most fucking insane snore. I actually taped her two nights ago. It was hilarious. Oh also, my brother occasionally snores. I remember sleeping with my mom at my aunt's house and my brother was sleeping on the floor. My mom and brother were snoring IN TANDEM and they sounded like a pair of motorcycles. I'm not even kidding. Like two motorcycles revving.
“You tired?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh.”
This dialogue is riveting.
“Is everybody like that?” Jamie whispered long after I thought he'd fallen asleep. “Does
everybody stay?”
“No,” I told him sadly. “No. Melanie is special.”
“She's strong and brave.”
“Very.”
Seriously? When has she EVER been strong and brave? All she does is avoid trying to take control of the body and pine for Pedobear. Yeah. Yeah, she's soooooooo strong and brave.
“Your sister and I have… spent a lot of time together. She shared you with me. And… I started
to… to love you, too.”
Bullshit. LIFE DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY. The year before last, my friend had this huge crush on a guy we shall call Waldo. I heard stories about him literally EVERY DAY and they were stupid stories like, "Today, Waldo and I went to the bathroom at the same time!" (That was actually a different guy, but it's just an example). I felt like I knew more about this guy than some guys I've gone to school with my whole life. I had a shitload of pictures of him on my computer so much so that I felt like a stalker even though I didn't ask for any information about this guy. My point is, I was exposed to this guy so much without ever actually meeting him, but I felt no feelings at all about him. I didn't fall in love with him. I didn't feel anything. He was just some guy I heard about all the time. Unless you are mentally unstable, you CANNOT fall genuinely in love with someone you haven't even met.
“And Jared, too?”
I gritted my teeth for a second, chagrined that he had made the connection so easily. “Of course I don't want anything to hurt Jared, either.”
"So, I told you that Melanie shared her memories of the most important people in her life, and I told you that I fell in love because of those memories, and then you make the connection that I must love Pedobear too? YOU ARE SO BRILLIANT, JAMIE!"
“Yes, but I am what I am, Jamie."
"I yam what I yam. Now be a love and go find Olive Oyl."
“Jared won't believe you, either. He'll be the angriest of them all.”
"He looked into a mirror awhile ago, and that's what it said. I think it used to belong to some chick named Snow White...?"
Jeb chuckled. I looked up at him, and he had that same pouncing-cat expression he'd had
yesterday. The solved-puzzle expression.
Ha ha! "The solved puzzle expression." I guess Smeyer lost her thesaurus.
Blah blah, Wanderer starts to work in the field and everyone else hates her.
Chapter 24
Tolerated
Apparently Wanderer has been wearing the same clothes for like two weeks.
“Jeb,” the caramel woman acknowledged dryly.
I thought that said "carnal woman" at first. Can I just say that "caramel woman" is the fucking stupidest descriptor I have EVER heard?
It seemed as if the places where the bruises had formed were more sensitive
than the rest of me–they must still have been there.
That's some great detective work there, Captain Obvious.
Jeb explained. “If you throw a frog in a pot of boiling water, it will hop right out. But if you put
that frog in a pot of tepid water and slowly warm it, the frog doesn't figure out what's going on until it's too late. Boiled frog. It's just a matter of working by slow degrees.”
That's almost as bad as one of Seleho's analogies.
Pull Jamie out of his class, Jeb needed to speak with him.
Ha, I thought this said, "Pull Jamie out of his ass."
That was a really useless chapter.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
The Host Redux Chapters 21 and 22
Chapter 21
Named
Blah blah blah humans are bad bad creatures blah blah they should be nicer and love each other blah blah.
Jeb's sudden face-wide grin reminded me, strangely, of a pouncing cat.
I don't think those two things have anything to do with each other.
“Is that the only other place?” he asked when I fell silent, trying to think of anything I'd missed. “Are the See Weeds”–he laughed once at the pun–“the only other aliens?”
Ha ha ha CUZ IT'S FRIGGIN' HILARIOUS. Here's my dad's favourite joke: A mushroom walks into a bar and buys drinks for everyone. The bartender goes, "Why are you buying all these drinks?" and the mushroom goes, "because I'm a fun guy." Get it? Fungi? It's almost as hilarious as Smeyer's little joke there.
Side note: I'm transferring to York University in Toronto and I have to take a natural science. I was like, "shit!" because I hate science and plus I already took my first year natural science at U of S. But there's this sweet looking class called "Life Beyond Earth." You get to learn about what it takes for life to exist beyond Earth and about how people surivive in space. Essentially, you get to learn about aliens and space. It sounds AWESOME.
“What about the little green guys with the triangle heads and the big black eyes? The ones who crashed in Roswell and all that. Was that you guys?”
They're grey, dumbass. Plus, the Roswell aliens are way awesomer than these pansy little shits here who apparently just want to be convenience store clerks. And I wouldn't describe their heads as triangle shaped. Hasn't this kid seen Signs?
“How did you come here, then–if you weren't the little green guys, who were you? You had to
have bodies to move and stuff, right?”
“Right,” I agreed, surprised at his grasp of the facts at hand.
So Jamie's a little genius because he realizes that parasites need a body to move? Okay, then.
Side note: I just got a call from a telemarketer or some shit asking for Mrs. Tarwoski. People CANNOT pronounce my last name, even though it's fairly straightforward. It's long, but if you sound it out you'll be fine. I've heard Tarwoski, Tarnowski, Tarnowedzedki, Tarno (and then they gave up), and I've seen every conceivable spelling. Also, no one can ever spell it right EVEN IF MY LAST NAME IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM. It's a little annoying.
So Wanderer tells us about the Spiders, who have three brains: one for each segment of their bodies. Apparently Smeyer doesn't know that spiders only have two tagmata (body segments). I don't mind people getting something wrong that requires extensive research (the physics of wormholes, for example) but what really bugs me is people not bothering to confirm something that you can find with a few quick clicks and Wikipedia.
Brilliant, the most incredible minds we'd ever come across, and each Spider had three of them.
She then goes on to say that they have three brains. A mind is different from a brain. I'm so desensitized to her lapses in logic that I can't even work up a credible outrage anymore.
Okay, what the hell is up with this infodump about spiders? It compeletely jars the reader and screws up our perception of the "plot."
I stopped short, midsentence, when I saw the crystalline sparkle on Jamie's cheek.
He was staring straight ahead at nothing, his lips pressed in a tight line. A large drop of salt
water rolled slowly down the cheek closest to me.
So, apparently Smeyer has some kind of boycott against the word "tear."
These were not the tears of a child, and that made them more profound–made it more sacred
and painful that he would cry them in front of me. This was the grief of a man at the funeral for his entire family.
I thought he was like, twelve.
“They called me Wanderer,” I whispered.
"They call me MR. TIBBS!" Side note: we used to have a male goat named Mr. Tibbs (not sure if he was named for that movie). He was kind of the goat equivalent of a eunuch. I'm not sure if he was sterile or what, but he was put in with the does. Mr. Tibbs was really tame and when my brother and sister and I were little we used to ride him around. Other than riding him, my favourite memory of him was when my parents put the bucks in with the does to mate with them (and we watched, for some reason. I had a strange childhood) and one of the bucks mistook Mr. Tibbs for a female and was chasing him around trying to mount him. It was hilarious.
Jeb's all, "Wanderer is too long for me to say, so let's call you Wanda!" I refuse. Partly because I dislike the name, but mostly on principle.
Chapter 22
Cracked
Why doesn't she just mention that Melanie's still alive inside? They may not all believe her, but at least it will plant some doubts in their minds. And I use the term "minds" very, very loosely.
“How many eyes?”
“Twelve–one at each juncture of the leg and the body. We didn't have lids, just a lot of
fibers–like steel wool eyelashes–to protect them.”
You know, call me crazy, but I thought spiders had eight legs, not twelve. Maybe these are special magical mutated spiders that have twelve legs and three tagmata.
“So did ya eat flies, like a Venus flytrap? I'll bet you did–or maybe something bigger, like a
bird–like a pterodactyl!”
Since when is a pterodactyl a bird?
“Yeah,” Jeb told him enthusiastically, “but not the lizardy kind. They're [dragons] all made up of jelly. They can fly, though… sort of. The air's thicker, sort of jelly, too. So it's almost like swimming."
Okay, I'm not an aeronautical engineer or anything, but I'm not sure about the physics of this planet.
“Harder than the place with the frozen air and the claw beasts?” he asked.
Those are the things that are like Tauntauns. It's almost as if Smeyer has never had an original idea in her life.
Named
Blah blah blah humans are bad bad creatures blah blah they should be nicer and love each other blah blah.
Jeb's sudden face-wide grin reminded me, strangely, of a pouncing cat.
I don't think those two things have anything to do with each other.
“Is that the only other place?” he asked when I fell silent, trying to think of anything I'd missed. “Are the See Weeds”–he laughed once at the pun–“the only other aliens?”
Ha ha ha CUZ IT'S FRIGGIN' HILARIOUS. Here's my dad's favourite joke: A mushroom walks into a bar and buys drinks for everyone. The bartender goes, "Why are you buying all these drinks?" and the mushroom goes, "because I'm a fun guy." Get it? Fungi? It's almost as hilarious as Smeyer's little joke there.
Side note: I'm transferring to York University in Toronto and I have to take a natural science. I was like, "shit!" because I hate science and plus I already took my first year natural science at U of S. But there's this sweet looking class called "Life Beyond Earth." You get to learn about what it takes for life to exist beyond Earth and about how people surivive in space. Essentially, you get to learn about aliens and space. It sounds AWESOME.
“What about the little green guys with the triangle heads and the big black eyes? The ones who crashed in Roswell and all that. Was that you guys?”
They're grey, dumbass. Plus, the Roswell aliens are way awesomer than these pansy little shits here who apparently just want to be convenience store clerks. And I wouldn't describe their heads as triangle shaped. Hasn't this kid seen Signs?
“How did you come here, then–if you weren't the little green guys, who were you? You had to
have bodies to move and stuff, right?”
“Right,” I agreed, surprised at his grasp of the facts at hand.
So Jamie's a little genius because he realizes that parasites need a body to move? Okay, then.
Side note: I just got a call from a telemarketer or some shit asking for Mrs. Tarwoski. People CANNOT pronounce my last name, even though it's fairly straightforward. It's long, but if you sound it out you'll be fine. I've heard Tarwoski, Tarnowski, Tarnowedzedki, Tarno (and then they gave up), and I've seen every conceivable spelling. Also, no one can ever spell it right EVEN IF MY LAST NAME IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM. It's a little annoying.
So Wanderer tells us about the Spiders, who have three brains: one for each segment of their bodies. Apparently Smeyer doesn't know that spiders only have two tagmata (body segments). I don't mind people getting something wrong that requires extensive research (the physics of wormholes, for example) but what really bugs me is people not bothering to confirm something that you can find with a few quick clicks and Wikipedia.
Brilliant, the most incredible minds we'd ever come across, and each Spider had three of them.
She then goes on to say that they have three brains. A mind is different from a brain. I'm so desensitized to her lapses in logic that I can't even work up a credible outrage anymore.
Okay, what the hell is up with this infodump about spiders? It compeletely jars the reader and screws up our perception of the "plot."
I stopped short, midsentence, when I saw the crystalline sparkle on Jamie's cheek.
He was staring straight ahead at nothing, his lips pressed in a tight line. A large drop of salt
water rolled slowly down the cheek closest to me.
So, apparently Smeyer has some kind of boycott against the word "tear."
These were not the tears of a child, and that made them more profound–made it more sacred
and painful that he would cry them in front of me. This was the grief of a man at the funeral for his entire family.
I thought he was like, twelve.
“They called me Wanderer,” I whispered.
"They call me MR. TIBBS!" Side note: we used to have a male goat named Mr. Tibbs (not sure if he was named for that movie). He was kind of the goat equivalent of a eunuch. I'm not sure if he was sterile or what, but he was put in with the does. Mr. Tibbs was really tame and when my brother and sister and I were little we used to ride him around. Other than riding him, my favourite memory of him was when my parents put the bucks in with the does to mate with them (and we watched, for some reason. I had a strange childhood) and one of the bucks mistook Mr. Tibbs for a female and was chasing him around trying to mount him. It was hilarious.
Jeb's all, "Wanderer is too long for me to say, so let's call you Wanda!" I refuse. Partly because I dislike the name, but mostly on principle.
Chapter 22
Cracked
Why doesn't she just mention that Melanie's still alive inside? They may not all believe her, but at least it will plant some doubts in their minds. And I use the term "minds" very, very loosely.
“How many eyes?”
“Twelve–one at each juncture of the leg and the body. We didn't have lids, just a lot of
fibers–like steel wool eyelashes–to protect them.”
You know, call me crazy, but I thought spiders had eight legs, not twelve. Maybe these are special magical mutated spiders that have twelve legs and three tagmata.
“So did ya eat flies, like a Venus flytrap? I'll bet you did–or maybe something bigger, like a
bird–like a pterodactyl!”
Since when is a pterodactyl a bird?
“Yeah,” Jeb told him enthusiastically, “but not the lizardy kind. They're [dragons] all made up of jelly. They can fly, though… sort of. The air's thicker, sort of jelly, too. So it's almost like swimming."
Okay, I'm not an aeronautical engineer or anything, but I'm not sure about the physics of this planet.
“Harder than the place with the frozen air and the claw beasts?” he asked.
Those are the things that are like Tauntauns. It's almost as if Smeyer has never had an original idea in her life.
Monday, June 15, 2009
The Host Redux Chapters 19 and 20
Chapter 19
Abandoned
Jared is grabbing Wanderer and yelling at her, because that's what hot guys do: they browbeat defenseless women.
Ian spit and groaned.
Spat. Spat is the past tense of spit.
Jared spoke to me again, scrutinizing my face in the new illuminations, making each word a
sentence. “Who. Is. The. Seeker.”
That would be Roger Daltrey. I heard he asked Bob Dylan, The Beatles, and even Timothy Leary, but they couldn't help him.
“I don't have to hurt you,” he said quietly, not as sure of himself.
I imagine him saying this as if he was a deranged serial killer who's talking to himself like Gollum. The psychotic part is unspoken like, "I don't HAVE to hurt you...I WANT to hurt you." Pedobear is almost as big a freak as Edward is.
Was I truly a coward? I would rather have believed that I was–that my fear of pain was stronger than anything else. The real reason I opened my mouth and spoke was so much more pathetic.
I wanted to please him, this human who hated me so fiercely.
ARGH IT OFFENDS MY FEMINIST SENSIBILITIES! asfdlk;ajsdf;lahsdfkjashdfkljashfdasdf. I'm done. I'm broken.
Whenever I see the word "seeker" I think of either the Who song or Harry Potter. If I don't think too hard, I can imagine that this is some kind of deranged Harry Potter/Roger Daltrey slash fic involving Quidditch (and now I have a mental image of Pete Townshend sitting on a broomstick doing his patented windmills while trying to avoid Bludgers). It's well documented how much I hate fanfic but I think even that would be preferable to this.
He blinked, confused again. “Don't you all have to like everyone?”
“We're supposed to,” I admitted, coloring with shame.
I hate perky people. I hate people who are nice all the time. I hate people who are happy in the morning. Souls seem like they would be like this but like, ten times worse.
In this moment, my determination to hold my tongue had less to do with self-preservation
than it did with a stupid, grudging kind of pride. I wouldnot tell this man who despised me that I loved him.
This sounds like a really bad romance novel, one of those ones where the guy rapes the girl or whatever and beats her twice a week and she still loves him AGAINST ALL REASON. Shit like this makes me literally sick to my stomach.
“You're overthinking this, Ian. That's what it wants.”
At least someone's thinking.
“I feltguilty –guilty as hell–watching her flinch away from us. Seeing the black marks on her
neck.”
Bruises aren't black, you dumb shit. I've had a ton. They're blue, purple, and occasionally green or yellow. I mean, SHIT, does Smeyer do ANY basic research? AT FUCKING ALL? How can she mistake the COLOUR OF A BRUISE? It's not like she hasn't had one before, what with her hard-on for BDSM.
“Get a hold of yourself,” Jared hissed after him.
Heh. I BET HE ALREADY DOES.
“Need to talk to you,” Jeb said, huffing as he sat down across from Jared. “Hey, there,” he said
in my direction, nodding.
“You know how much I hate that,” Jared muttered.
Yeah, okay, you pussy. I'm sure everyone will change their habits and totally conform to what YOU want, just to make YOU happy, Pedobear.
Jared is magic. Jamie and I were perfectly safe while Jared's instincts guided us; we never
came close to getting caught. If it had been Jared in Chicago, I'm sure he would have made it
out fine.
WTF? He's MAGIC? Who talks like this? Does anyone talk like this? What the hell is this WTFery? So many questions but not nearly enough answers.
“I'll take over here, then. Have a safe trip.”
“Thanks. Guess I'll see you when I see you, Jeb.”
“Guess so.”
That is some great dialogue, right there.
Chapter 20
Freed
This marks the section where Pedobear is gone for a loooooong time. And thank God for that. Now if only Wanderer would disappear, things would be awesome.
I remembered that his idea of fun was usually along the lines of an armed standoff.
Sounds like a good time to me.
“Does me good to see that,” Jeb muttered. “It's like an itch you can't scratch, knowing someone is suffering under your own roof.”
Dude, I actually totally know what he means by this. I've had two fish, Dresden and Krycek. Both of them suffered from mysterious diseases. Dresden died in the night and I had to mercy kill Krycek. It felt WRONG somehow, knowing they were both suffering. I also had to leave Dead Dresden in my room while I showered and got ready and it was REALLY creepy knowing there was a dead body in my room, even if it was just a fish. But then again, Dresden was not JUST a fish. I think he was actually sentient. He totally came when he called. I'm not even joking. I'm sad he died. Krycek was prettier, but he was grumpier.
I don't understand how Wanderer can be in love with Pedobear. First of all, she doesn't even KNOW him. It confuses me just as much as when this guy got a random crush on me and thought that a mutual hatred of stoners and country music meant that we had "so much in common." I repeatedly told him he didn't even know me but he kept saying we had all this stuff in common and he knew me. It was REALLY creepy. But I digress. Second, Pedobear hits girls and he's kind of an asshole. Why would you love someone who ABSOLUTELY hates you?
He stroked the gun slung through a strap at his waist with an unconscious gesture.
Heh. I BET he did!
Pretty much my ONLY entertainment in this book is finding unintentional sexual innuendoes, and MAN are there a lot of them!
It was so easy–walking barely took any concentration at all.
But I bet she can't walk and chew gum at the same time! Which also reminds me. I went to school with THE MOST annoying chick ever. She hung around with my friends and me but none of us liked her. Anyway, one time she randomly went, "Can you guys blink and chew gum at the same time? Because I can't!" WHO CAN'T DO THAT? Seriously. Like, maybe someone with profound physical disabilities.
My muscles all locked up; I moved forward with stiff legs, unbending knees.
If you have stiff legs, it's pretty much a GIVEN that you have unbending knees. DAMMIT, Smeyer.
Side note: I'm watching The Other Boleyn girl right now, and Eric Bana plays King Henry VIII. For some reason I hate Eric Bana with a PASSION. I'm not sure why. I've only ever seen him in the dismal Hulk movie, so I guess my dislike of the movie ran deeper than I thought. But seriously, I REALLY dislike him, but there's not really a reason for it.
I wanted so badly to push Jamie's untidy hair out of his eyes and then leave my arm around his neck.
In a half-Nelson!
The end, for now.
Abandoned
Jared is grabbing Wanderer and yelling at her, because that's what hot guys do: they browbeat defenseless women.
Ian spit and groaned.
Spat. Spat is the past tense of spit.
Jared spoke to me again, scrutinizing my face in the new illuminations, making each word a
sentence. “Who. Is. The. Seeker.”
That would be Roger Daltrey. I heard he asked Bob Dylan, The Beatles, and even Timothy Leary, but they couldn't help him.
“I don't have to hurt you,” he said quietly, not as sure of himself.
I imagine him saying this as if he was a deranged serial killer who's talking to himself like Gollum. The psychotic part is unspoken like, "I don't HAVE to hurt you...I WANT to hurt you." Pedobear is almost as big a freak as Edward is.
Was I truly a coward? I would rather have believed that I was–that my fear of pain was stronger than anything else. The real reason I opened my mouth and spoke was so much more pathetic.
I wanted to please him, this human who hated me so fiercely.
ARGH IT OFFENDS MY FEMINIST SENSIBILITIES! asfdlk;ajsdf;lahsdfkjashdfkljashfdasdf. I'm done. I'm broken.
Whenever I see the word "seeker" I think of either the Who song or Harry Potter. If I don't think too hard, I can imagine that this is some kind of deranged Harry Potter/Roger Daltrey slash fic involving Quidditch (and now I have a mental image of Pete Townshend sitting on a broomstick doing his patented windmills while trying to avoid Bludgers). It's well documented how much I hate fanfic but I think even that would be preferable to this.
He blinked, confused again. “Don't you all have to like everyone?”
“We're supposed to,” I admitted, coloring with shame.
I hate perky people. I hate people who are nice all the time. I hate people who are happy in the morning. Souls seem like they would be like this but like, ten times worse.
In this moment, my determination to hold my tongue had less to do with self-preservation
than it did with a stupid, grudging kind of pride. I wouldnot tell this man who despised me that I loved him.
This sounds like a really bad romance novel, one of those ones where the guy rapes the girl or whatever and beats her twice a week and she still loves him AGAINST ALL REASON. Shit like this makes me literally sick to my stomach.
“You're overthinking this, Ian. That's what it wants.”
At least someone's thinking.
“I feltguilty –guilty as hell–watching her flinch away from us. Seeing the black marks on her
neck.”
Bruises aren't black, you dumb shit. I've had a ton. They're blue, purple, and occasionally green or yellow. I mean, SHIT, does Smeyer do ANY basic research? AT FUCKING ALL? How can she mistake the COLOUR OF A BRUISE? It's not like she hasn't had one before, what with her hard-on for BDSM.
“Get a hold of yourself,” Jared hissed after him.
Heh. I BET HE ALREADY DOES.
“Need to talk to you,” Jeb said, huffing as he sat down across from Jared. “Hey, there,” he said
in my direction, nodding.
“You know how much I hate that,” Jared muttered.
Yeah, okay, you pussy. I'm sure everyone will change their habits and totally conform to what YOU want, just to make YOU happy, Pedobear.
Jared is magic. Jamie and I were perfectly safe while Jared's instincts guided us; we never
came close to getting caught. If it had been Jared in Chicago, I'm sure he would have made it
out fine.
WTF? He's MAGIC? Who talks like this? Does anyone talk like this? What the hell is this WTFery? So many questions but not nearly enough answers.
“I'll take over here, then. Have a safe trip.”
“Thanks. Guess I'll see you when I see you, Jeb.”
“Guess so.”
That is some great dialogue, right there.
Chapter 20
Freed
This marks the section where Pedobear is gone for a loooooong time. And thank God for that. Now if only Wanderer would disappear, things would be awesome.
I remembered that his idea of fun was usually along the lines of an armed standoff.
Sounds like a good time to me.
“Does me good to see that,” Jeb muttered. “It's like an itch you can't scratch, knowing someone is suffering under your own roof.”
Dude, I actually totally know what he means by this. I've had two fish, Dresden and Krycek. Both of them suffered from mysterious diseases. Dresden died in the night and I had to mercy kill Krycek. It felt WRONG somehow, knowing they were both suffering. I also had to leave Dead Dresden in my room while I showered and got ready and it was REALLY creepy knowing there was a dead body in my room, even if it was just a fish. But then again, Dresden was not JUST a fish. I think he was actually sentient. He totally came when he called. I'm not even joking. I'm sad he died. Krycek was prettier, but he was grumpier.
I don't understand how Wanderer can be in love with Pedobear. First of all, she doesn't even KNOW him. It confuses me just as much as when this guy got a random crush on me and thought that a mutual hatred of stoners and country music meant that we had "so much in common." I repeatedly told him he didn't even know me but he kept saying we had all this stuff in common and he knew me. It was REALLY creepy. But I digress. Second, Pedobear hits girls and he's kind of an asshole. Why would you love someone who ABSOLUTELY hates you?
He stroked the gun slung through a strap at his waist with an unconscious gesture.
Heh. I BET he did!
Pretty much my ONLY entertainment in this book is finding unintentional sexual innuendoes, and MAN are there a lot of them!
It was so easy–walking barely took any concentration at all.
But I bet she can't walk and chew gum at the same time! Which also reminds me. I went to school with THE MOST annoying chick ever. She hung around with my friends and me but none of us liked her. Anyway, one time she randomly went, "Can you guys blink and chew gum at the same time? Because I can't!" WHO CAN'T DO THAT? Seriously. Like, maybe someone with profound physical disabilities.
My muscles all locked up; I moved forward with stiff legs, unbending knees.
If you have stiff legs, it's pretty much a GIVEN that you have unbending knees. DAMMIT, Smeyer.
Side note: I'm watching The Other Boleyn girl right now, and Eric Bana plays King Henry VIII. For some reason I hate Eric Bana with a PASSION. I'm not sure why. I've only ever seen him in the dismal Hulk movie, so I guess my dislike of the movie ran deeper than I thought. But seriously, I REALLY dislike him, but there's not really a reason for it.
I wanted so badly to push Jamie's untidy hair out of his eyes and then leave my arm around his neck.
In a half-Nelson!
The end, for now.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
The Host Redux Chapters 15 and 16
Okay, so awhile ago my computer completely crashed and I lost a shitload of files and it was all very tragic. So I couldn't keep up with my recaps. I have a very strict policy for keeping up with my recaps, but since this was beyond my control and I definitely don't have the mental fortitude to do twenty recaps or whatever, I'm just going to continue from where I left off.
Chapter 15
Guarded
I was hungry. My stomach knotted and clenched and made angry noises. I doubted these noises
would betray me–I was sure it had gurgled and complained as I slept.
My head ached fiercely. It was impossible to know how much of this was from fatigue and how much was from the knocks I'd taken.
Someone, for the love of God, please teach Smeyer the basic skills of writing. For example, these are not two separate paragraphs. It should be one.
It was dark–I could tell that without opening my eyes. Not pitch-black, but very dark.
Why is this necessary? Does it advance the plot AT ALL to know that it's not quite COMPLETELY dark, but it's still pretty dark? WHY?
Actually, this whole section here could be combined into one paragraph, and yet she uses six.
Way to drag this chapter out like five times longer than it has to be, Smeyer.
She describes the soup with WAY TOO MUCH detail. Is there such thing as a soup fetish? Well, vorarephilia is real, so I wouldn't disbelieve anything. (Look it up. Or don't, if you want to maintain faith in humanity.) I'm not even kidding. There are like three fucking paragraphs describing the soup.
Melanie had burned all the fingerprints off her right hand once in a stupid accident, grabbing a pan she hadn't realized was hot. I remembered how the pain had shocked her–it was so unexpectedly sharp and demanding.
I think I mentioned this in my first recap, but this reminds me of the dumbest home ec. video ever. This irritatingly cheery guy was telling us to make sure we didn't touch any hot pans and then he grabbed the pan from the oven and in a totally unemotional voice, goes, "Ouch. That's hot." I think this is the same video where the woman was like, "Quiche. Pronounced...keesh." Everyone in my seventh grade home ec. class remembers that video.
It came in a rush once more.You're in love with him, too, separately from me. It feels different
from the way I feel. Other. I didn't see that until he was there with us, until you saw him for the first time. How did that happen? How does a three-inch-long worm fall in love with a human being?
Bull. Shit. I call shenanigans on this one. SHE HASN'T EVEN MET THE GUY. All she objectively knows about him is that he hits girls. Yeah, that's sexy.
I'm going to do a quick count of how many times Wanderer cringes in this book. 21 times. Plus other people cringe at least four times. Cringed doesn't even look like a word anymore.
Kyle (Pedobear's brother) and some other guy who I think is a ghost (more on that later) come to kill Wanderer but Pedobear won't let them. Kyle and the ghost go to attack Pedobear and get this...WANDERER FUCKING GOES TO PROTECT HIM.
Chapter 16
Assigned
I looked for only one thing–where Jared was, so that I could put myself between him and his
attackers.
Sentences like this make me (heh) cringe.
Pedobear shoves her again, because he's such a fucking hero.
“Tricky bugger,” Ian finally muttered, eyes wide with horror.
Wrong sci-fi novel. Buggers were in Ender's Game. Masquerading as a better novel won't fool your readers, Smeyer.
“Finish it, Ian!” Kyle yelled.
"FINISH HIM! I know Mortal Kombat!"
So Wanderer gets manhandled and strangled and GEEZ Smeyer, get out your BDSM fetishes SOME OTHER WAY, for the love of God.
If he hadn't used that gun in the past–used it to kill, not just to threaten–no one would have obeyed him this way.
Or, you know, they could be like every single other person in the world and have a healthy respect for firearms.
I stared at him mutely.
No, you dumb shit, you stared at him loudly.
After a few minutes, he started whistling quietly. It was a cheery tune.
Perhaps he was whistling while he worked. But honestly, those two sentences are so saccharine I want to kill something.
Blah blah blah Jeb takes Wanderer on a tour.
Chapter 15
Guarded
I was hungry. My stomach knotted and clenched and made angry noises. I doubted these noises
would betray me–I was sure it had gurgled and complained as I slept.
My head ached fiercely. It was impossible to know how much of this was from fatigue and how much was from the knocks I'd taken.
Someone, for the love of God, please teach Smeyer the basic skills of writing. For example, these are not two separate paragraphs. It should be one.
It was dark–I could tell that without opening my eyes. Not pitch-black, but very dark.
Why is this necessary? Does it advance the plot AT ALL to know that it's not quite COMPLETELY dark, but it's still pretty dark? WHY?
Actually, this whole section here could be combined into one paragraph, and yet she uses six.
Way to drag this chapter out like five times longer than it has to be, Smeyer.
She describes the soup with WAY TOO MUCH detail. Is there such thing as a soup fetish? Well, vorarephilia is real, so I wouldn't disbelieve anything. (Look it up. Or don't, if you want to maintain faith in humanity.) I'm not even kidding. There are like three fucking paragraphs describing the soup.
Melanie had burned all the fingerprints off her right hand once in a stupid accident, grabbing a pan she hadn't realized was hot. I remembered how the pain had shocked her–it was so unexpectedly sharp and demanding.
I think I mentioned this in my first recap, but this reminds me of the dumbest home ec. video ever. This irritatingly cheery guy was telling us to make sure we didn't touch any hot pans and then he grabbed the pan from the oven and in a totally unemotional voice, goes, "Ouch. That's hot." I think this is the same video where the woman was like, "Quiche. Pronounced...keesh." Everyone in my seventh grade home ec. class remembers that video.
It came in a rush once more.You're in love with him, too, separately from me. It feels different
from the way I feel. Other. I didn't see that until he was there with us, until you saw him for the first time. How did that happen? How does a three-inch-long worm fall in love with a human being?
Bull. Shit. I call shenanigans on this one. SHE HASN'T EVEN MET THE GUY. All she objectively knows about him is that he hits girls. Yeah, that's sexy.
I'm going to do a quick count of how many times Wanderer cringes in this book. 21 times. Plus other people cringe at least four times. Cringed doesn't even look like a word anymore.
Kyle (Pedobear's brother) and some other guy who I think is a ghost (more on that later) come to kill Wanderer but Pedobear won't let them. Kyle and the ghost go to attack Pedobear and get this...WANDERER FUCKING GOES TO PROTECT HIM.
Chapter 16
Assigned
I looked for only one thing–where Jared was, so that I could put myself between him and his
attackers.
Sentences like this make me (heh) cringe.
Pedobear shoves her again, because he's such a fucking hero.
“Tricky bugger,” Ian finally muttered, eyes wide with horror.
Wrong sci-fi novel. Buggers were in Ender's Game. Masquerading as a better novel won't fool your readers, Smeyer.
“Finish it, Ian!” Kyle yelled.
"FINISH HIM! I know Mortal Kombat!"
So Wanderer gets manhandled and strangled and GEEZ Smeyer, get out your BDSM fetishes SOME OTHER WAY, for the love of God.
If he hadn't used that gun in the past–used it to kill, not just to threaten–no one would have obeyed him this way.
Or, you know, they could be like every single other person in the world and have a healthy respect for firearms.
I stared at him mutely.
No, you dumb shit, you stared at him loudly.
After a few minutes, he started whistling quietly. It was a cheery tune.
Perhaps he was whistling while he worked. But honestly, those two sentences are so saccharine I want to kill something.
Blah blah blah Jeb takes Wanderer on a tour.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
The Host Redux: Chapters 7-14 Dear God Why Do I Do This To Myself?
Because I'm dumb, I have procrastinated and procrastinated on my recaps and I have eight recaps to do. So I'm going to try to make them as short as possible, but seeing as how long these frickin' chapters are, that's probably not going to happen. So anyway...
CHAPTER 7
Confronted
So there are these aliens called Fire Tasters who burn these things called Flower Walkers and then eat the smoke. OH NO THERE ARE THINGS THAT EAT OTHER THINGS. IT'S NOT LIKE THERE'S A PARALLEL FOR THAT IN THE HUMAN WORLD OR ANYTHING. And I mean, I guess the flowers are sentient, but it just seems like some kind of forced Aesop about eating animals.
The timeline is so fuzzy. Wanderer is currently teaching a class and it seems like Melanie has been in Wanderer for a while, (which sounds so, so wrong) but we're only on page 59. And there was absolutely NOTHING about Melanie and Wanderer adjusting to each other and it just seems so...just badly done.
Anyway, the Seeker confronts Wanderer about her reaction to the question about the Fire Tasters and let's take a moment to talk about the STUPID FRIGGIN NAMES SHE CHOOSES FOR THE ALIENS. And we haven't even MET the ice sculpting bears yet! Like, Wraith? Awesome. Borg? Sweet. Goa'ould? CREATIVE. (From Stargate: Atlantis, Star Trek, and Stargate: SG-1 respectively). Fire Tasters just sounds like some kind of Native American name or something, or perhaps the stage name of a circus freak who swallows fire.
"I think you'd be more comfortable moving on, and maybe someone else will have better luck with her.”
“Hah!” I shouted. “Melanie would eat them alive!”
I find it EXTREMELY hard to believe that Wanderer is the only one strong enough to contain Melanie, considering her behaviour in the later part of the book. I almost exclusively watch shows and read books involving the supernatural and/or aliens and yet I'm finding it extremely difficult to suspend my disbelief here.
AHHH JUST LET THIS CHAPTER END PLEASE!
ZOMG SHE SWORE.
Okay, a kind of funny (unintentionally funny, because Smeyer doesn't know what humour is) is coming up. All you need to know right now is that Wanderer is going to Chicago to see the Healer. And in my previous recap, I kept making jokes about how Smeyer was FINALLY not obsessed with Phoenix.
CHAPTER 8
Loved
Aaaand, we have payoff! Turns out that Fords abruptly and for no particular reason randomly relocated to Phoenix.
Listen to this. The Singing World. The Dolphin World. The Planet of the Flowers. KILL ME NOW. I so much refer the Wraith, Goa'ould, Replicators, Ori, or hell, even JABBA THE HUTT would be better.
Side note: There's a robin building a nest on the balcony. And while it's cool to say, "Robin has a robin on her balcony" it's getting pretty annoying. But get this, my mom knocked the nest down twice and it worked THROUGH THE NIGHT to build another one. You have to admire that persistence.
There was a cabin, an ingenious dwelling tucked into a nook in the red sandstone, perilously
close to the flash flood line. An unlikely place, far from any trail or path, built in what seemed a
senseless location. A rough place, without any of the conveniences of modern technology. She
remembered laughing at the sink one had to pump to pull water up from the ground.
“It beats pipes,” Jared says, the crease between his eyes deepening as his brows pull together.
He seems worried by my laugh. Is he afraid I don't like it? “Nothing to trace, no evidence that
we're here.”
“I love it,” I say quickly. “It's like an old movie. It's perfect.”
What movie? Cabin Fever? Night of the Living Dead?
I hear Jamie's laughter echo through the narrow canyon as he runs ahead of us. His black hair
bounces with his body. He bounces all the time now, this thin boy with the sun-darkened skin. I hadn't realized how much weight those narrow shoulders were carrying. With Jared, he is
positively buoyant.
Heh. Heh heh. Maybe Melanie should look into that.
“Thank you,” I whisper, though I know shouting the words wouldn't wake Jamie now. “I feel
bad. This couch is much too short for you. Maybe you should take the bed with Jamie.”
Heh. Heh heh. Maybe Melanie IS looking into that.
“Yes, I am,” I agree. I take a deep breath to make me brave. “But if you go, I go.”
He hugs me tighter. “I'll admit, I prefer it that way. The thought of being separated from
you…” He laughs quietly. “Does it sound crazy to say that I'd rather die? Too melodramatic?”
“No, I know what you mean.”
No, it's melodramatic. If someone said that to me, I would probably laugh in their face, or run.
Hemust feel the same way I do. Would he say these things if he thought of me as just another
human, and not as a woman?
Ha, this is so cheesy.
“We'll stay here until the food is gone, don't worry. I've slept on worse things than this couch.”
“That's not what I mean,” I say, still looking down.
“You get the bed, Mel. I'm not budging on that.”
“That's not what I mean, either.” It's barely a whisper. “I meant the couch is plenty big for
Jamie. He won't outgrow it for a long time. I could share the bed with… you.”
There is a pause. I want to look up, to read the expression on his face, but I'm too mortified.
What if he is disgusted? How will I stand it? Will he make me go away?
His warm, callused fingers tug my chin up. My heart throbs when our eyes meet.
“Mel, I…” His face, for once, has no smile.
I try to look away, but he holds my chin so that my gaze can't escape his. Does he not feel the
fire between his body and mine? Is that all me? How can it all be me? It feels like a flat sun
trapped between us–pressed like a flower between the pages of a thick book, burning the paper.
Does it feel like something else to him? Something bad?
After a moment, his head turns; he's the one looking away now, still keeping his grip on my
chin. His voice is quiet. “You don't owe me that, Melanie. You don't owe me anything at all.”
Ha ha ha, he thinks she's trying to repay him with her body. This is so laughably bad. It's like a sci-fi themed porno.
Melanie and Pedobear make out.
“It was a miracle–more than a miracle–when I found you, Melanie. Right now, if I was given
the choice between having the world back and having you, I wouldn't be able to give you up.
Not to save five billion lives.”
“That's wrong.”
“Very wrong but very true.”
Ahh, it's like Edward ALL OVER AGAIN.
And now my second favourite part of the book:
“Jared,” I breathe. I try to reach for his lips again. He pulls away, looking like he has something to say. What more can there be?
“But…”
“But?” How can there be abut? What could possibly follow all this fire that starts with abut?
“But you're seventeen, Melanie. And I'm twenty-six.”
And hence, Pedobear. So anyway, Melanie's all, "Why does that matter?" and Pedobear doesn't actually SAY "statutory rape" but he implies that he doesn't want to commit it despite the fact that they're the last two adults (ish) on Earth and human laws shouldn't have sway anymore.
I'm not condoning statutory rape, but seriously, they're post-Armageddon. I don't think it should matter.
CHAPTER 9
Discovered
Damn. More memories of Melanie and Pedobear.
“You look like a dryad hidden here in the trees,” he whispers in my ear. “One of them. So
beautiful that you must be fictional.”
Well, that's romantic. Again, if someone told me I looked like a dryad, I would laugh. Or run.
Also, here's a dryad, guys:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Dryad11.jpg
Hot.
“Says the last man on Earth to the last woman on Earth, on the eve of their separation.”
It seems like they don't care about Jamie at all. He's mentioned, but he's never actually seen. He's like a ghost. I think he actually is a ghost. It's just like this weird thing where in the early seasons of One Tree Hill I was sure that Jake was a ghost. He just seemed like one of those characters who, if someone was like, "Hey, I talked to Jake yesterday" then the older, wise, person (Whitey, natch) would be like, "But...he died two years ago." ANYWAY, I think Jamie is actually dead but Melanie is so psychologically screwed up that she pretends he's around and Pedobear humours her so she won't go nuts and kill him in his sleep.
Okay, How I Met Your Mother interjection. Spoilers ahoy. Barney is in love with Robin and I've been shipping them for the past season and half and ROBIN DOESN'T LOVE BARNEY BACK. I'm SO disappointed. But there's still like, ten minutes left in the episode so we'll see.
Anyway. Melanie is trying to convince Wanderer to go find her crazy Uncle Jeb.
YES. YES. IT'S NOT A NO FROM ROBIN. Aw shit, it's gone in the other direction again. DAMMIT, HIMYM. YES. Okay, I'm okay now.
My father always affectionately referred to them [Melanie's relatives] as the Crazies.
Way to be creative, Smeyer. Don't hurt yourself.
On one of those rare visits to Chicago, Sharon had snuck me into her mother's hidey-hole.
HA! I read this as "Sharon had stuck me into her mother's hidey-hole" and I was like WHOA, WTF?
I'm still not clear on what these "lines on the photo album" are.
CHAPTER 10
Turned
So they're in the convenience store, and the first time I read this I thought Wanderer was going to steal something, considering Wanderer called herself a criminal and she was acting really shifty. But apparently not. This is also where we meet the alien who travelled light years to come to Earth and become a convenience store. Dream big, buddy.
I'm watching Torchwood right now, and I LOVE the fact that Jack just went, "as if!" I love that guy. John Barrowman is also the second gay man I've gotten a celebrity crush on, the first being Neil Patrick Harris.
I'm still confused as to why Wanderer is helping Melanie escape. There's that thing where Wanderer is feeling Melanie's feelings, but don't you think that objectively she would be like, "Hey, wait, I don't really want to be doing this"? Meh, I don't know.
Anyway, they're sleeping in the car but Wnaderer doesn't want to.
CHAPTER 11
Dehydrated
Hey, do you think Wanderer gets dehydrated in this chapter? I'm excited to find out!
Her tone implied that I was quite stupid for not understanding.
Because you are.
So now they're walking in the desert. I'm not sure why they left the car behind, and frankly, I don't really care.
Wanderer's being a moron and drinking all the water and eating all the food. I live in a place where there are bodies of water EVERYWHERE, and even I know you should save water as much as possible in the desert. I think that's just common sense, of which apparently Wanderer has exactly none.
You see another option?She felt my panic, and her tone softened, as if with pity.Look–it's better than the car. At least it's flat. It's too hot for any critters to be attracted to your body heat and –
“Critters?” I demanded aloud.“Critters?”
That was my reaction, except for different reasons probably. Wanderer is scared at the prospect of scorpions or whatever getting on her. My reaction was something like, "Did she actually use the word 'critters' in casual conversation?"
I looked for the half-empty bottle I'd last drunk from, rummaging through the fulls and empties until I began to see a pattern. With a slowly growing sense of alarm, I started counting. I counted twice. There were two more empties than there were fulls. I'd already used up more than half my water supply.
That paragraph is so stupid. But mostly because of this part:
There were two more empties than there were fulls. I'd already used up more than half my water supply.
NO SHIT. We KNOW that there are more empties than fulls, and she has to spell it out that HALF HER WATER SUPPLY IS GONE? I thought this was supposed to be an adult book, and yet she still assumes her readers are idiots.
CHAPTER 12
Failed
Wanderer eats the rest of the food and then freaks out because she thinks Jeb is a lunatic. And then she starts walking out into the burning desert, for whatever reason. Then they lay down to die.
Yes, deus ex machina time!
“Uncle Jeb,” we croaked in surprise. “You found us.”
Uncle Jeb, squatting next to us, rocked back on his heels when we said his name.
“Well, now,” he said, and his gruff voice brought back a hundred memories. “Well, now, here's
a pickle.”
And of course, Jeb lives in the COUNTRY so he has to be the most stereotyical hick that Smeyer can manage.
CHAPTER 13
Sentenced
Jeb takes them to a colony with a bunch of other people and then decide whether she should live or die. I vote die, but my vote doesn't count.
I'll never tell.
"I'll never tellllllllllllllllllll."
I hate this book.
CHAPTER 14
Disputed
Pedobear comes to see what's going on, Wanderer goes to hug him and he backhands her. Yes, that Pedobear, HE IS SO SEXY.
Jared's here, Jared's alive, Jared's here.She was incoherent, chanting the words like they were
lyrics to a song.
I think what I love the most about Smeyer's books is her ability to create such strong female characters. I'm also having trouble imagining her singing this, or figuring out why she would. I would think it would be more of a squeal or something, but whatever.
More talking, then she faints or something.
CHAPTER 7
Confronted
So there are these aliens called Fire Tasters who burn these things called Flower Walkers and then eat the smoke. OH NO THERE ARE THINGS THAT EAT OTHER THINGS. IT'S NOT LIKE THERE'S A PARALLEL FOR THAT IN THE HUMAN WORLD OR ANYTHING. And I mean, I guess the flowers are sentient, but it just seems like some kind of forced Aesop about eating animals.
The timeline is so fuzzy. Wanderer is currently teaching a class and it seems like Melanie has been in Wanderer for a while, (which sounds so, so wrong) but we're only on page 59. And there was absolutely NOTHING about Melanie and Wanderer adjusting to each other and it just seems so...just badly done.
Anyway, the Seeker confronts Wanderer about her reaction to the question about the Fire Tasters and let's take a moment to talk about the STUPID FRIGGIN NAMES SHE CHOOSES FOR THE ALIENS. And we haven't even MET the ice sculpting bears yet! Like, Wraith? Awesome. Borg? Sweet. Goa'ould? CREATIVE. (From Stargate: Atlantis, Star Trek, and Stargate: SG-1 respectively). Fire Tasters just sounds like some kind of Native American name or something, or perhaps the stage name of a circus freak who swallows fire.
"I think you'd be more comfortable moving on, and maybe someone else will have better luck with her.”
“Hah!” I shouted. “Melanie would eat them alive!”
I find it EXTREMELY hard to believe that Wanderer is the only one strong enough to contain Melanie, considering her behaviour in the later part of the book. I almost exclusively watch shows and read books involving the supernatural and/or aliens and yet I'm finding it extremely difficult to suspend my disbelief here.
AHHH JUST LET THIS CHAPTER END PLEASE!
ZOMG SHE SWORE.
Okay, a kind of funny (unintentionally funny, because Smeyer doesn't know what humour is) is coming up. All you need to know right now is that Wanderer is going to Chicago to see the Healer. And in my previous recap, I kept making jokes about how Smeyer was FINALLY not obsessed with Phoenix.
CHAPTER 8
Loved
Aaaand, we have payoff! Turns out that Fords abruptly and for no particular reason randomly relocated to Phoenix.
Listen to this. The Singing World. The Dolphin World. The Planet of the Flowers. KILL ME NOW. I so much refer the Wraith, Goa'ould, Replicators, Ori, or hell, even JABBA THE HUTT would be better.
Side note: There's a robin building a nest on the balcony. And while it's cool to say, "Robin has a robin on her balcony" it's getting pretty annoying. But get this, my mom knocked the nest down twice and it worked THROUGH THE NIGHT to build another one. You have to admire that persistence.
There was a cabin, an ingenious dwelling tucked into a nook in the red sandstone, perilously
close to the flash flood line. An unlikely place, far from any trail or path, built in what seemed a
senseless location. A rough place, without any of the conveniences of modern technology. She
remembered laughing at the sink one had to pump to pull water up from the ground.
“It beats pipes,” Jared says, the crease between his eyes deepening as his brows pull together.
He seems worried by my laugh. Is he afraid I don't like it? “Nothing to trace, no evidence that
we're here.”
“I love it,” I say quickly. “It's like an old movie. It's perfect.”
What movie? Cabin Fever? Night of the Living Dead?
I hear Jamie's laughter echo through the narrow canyon as he runs ahead of us. His black hair
bounces with his body. He bounces all the time now, this thin boy with the sun-darkened skin. I hadn't realized how much weight those narrow shoulders were carrying. With Jared, he is
positively buoyant.
Heh. Heh heh. Maybe Melanie should look into that.
“Thank you,” I whisper, though I know shouting the words wouldn't wake Jamie now. “I feel
bad. This couch is much too short for you. Maybe you should take the bed with Jamie.”
Heh. Heh heh. Maybe Melanie IS looking into that.
“Yes, I am,” I agree. I take a deep breath to make me brave. “But if you go, I go.”
He hugs me tighter. “I'll admit, I prefer it that way. The thought of being separated from
you…” He laughs quietly. “Does it sound crazy to say that I'd rather die? Too melodramatic?”
“No, I know what you mean.”
No, it's melodramatic. If someone said that to me, I would probably laugh in their face, or run.
Hemust feel the same way I do. Would he say these things if he thought of me as just another
human, and not as a woman?
Ha, this is so cheesy.
“We'll stay here until the food is gone, don't worry. I've slept on worse things than this couch.”
“That's not what I mean,” I say, still looking down.
“You get the bed, Mel. I'm not budging on that.”
“That's not what I mean, either.” It's barely a whisper. “I meant the couch is plenty big for
Jamie. He won't outgrow it for a long time. I could share the bed with… you.”
There is a pause. I want to look up, to read the expression on his face, but I'm too mortified.
What if he is disgusted? How will I stand it? Will he make me go away?
His warm, callused fingers tug my chin up. My heart throbs when our eyes meet.
“Mel, I…” His face, for once, has no smile.
I try to look away, but he holds my chin so that my gaze can't escape his. Does he not feel the
fire between his body and mine? Is that all me? How can it all be me? It feels like a flat sun
trapped between us–pressed like a flower between the pages of a thick book, burning the paper.
Does it feel like something else to him? Something bad?
After a moment, his head turns; he's the one looking away now, still keeping his grip on my
chin. His voice is quiet. “You don't owe me that, Melanie. You don't owe me anything at all.”
Ha ha ha, he thinks she's trying to repay him with her body. This is so laughably bad. It's like a sci-fi themed porno.
Melanie and Pedobear make out.
“It was a miracle–more than a miracle–when I found you, Melanie. Right now, if I was given
the choice between having the world back and having you, I wouldn't be able to give you up.
Not to save five billion lives.”
“That's wrong.”
“Very wrong but very true.”
Ahh, it's like Edward ALL OVER AGAIN.
And now my second favourite part of the book:
“Jared,” I breathe. I try to reach for his lips again. He pulls away, looking like he has something to say. What more can there be?
“But…”
“But?” How can there be abut? What could possibly follow all this fire that starts with abut?
“But you're seventeen, Melanie. And I'm twenty-six.”
And hence, Pedobear. So anyway, Melanie's all, "Why does that matter?" and Pedobear doesn't actually SAY "statutory rape" but he implies that he doesn't want to commit it despite the fact that they're the last two adults (ish) on Earth and human laws shouldn't have sway anymore.
I'm not condoning statutory rape, but seriously, they're post-Armageddon. I don't think it should matter.
CHAPTER 9
Discovered
Damn. More memories of Melanie and Pedobear.
“You look like a dryad hidden here in the trees,” he whispers in my ear. “One of them. So
beautiful that you must be fictional.”
Well, that's romantic. Again, if someone told me I looked like a dryad, I would laugh. Or run.
Also, here's a dryad, guys:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Dryad11.jpg
Hot.
“Says the last man on Earth to the last woman on Earth, on the eve of their separation.”
It seems like they don't care about Jamie at all. He's mentioned, but he's never actually seen. He's like a ghost. I think he actually is a ghost. It's just like this weird thing where in the early seasons of One Tree Hill I was sure that Jake was a ghost. He just seemed like one of those characters who, if someone was like, "Hey, I talked to Jake yesterday" then the older, wise, person (Whitey, natch) would be like, "But...he died two years ago." ANYWAY, I think Jamie is actually dead but Melanie is so psychologically screwed up that she pretends he's around and Pedobear humours her so she won't go nuts and kill him in his sleep.
Okay, How I Met Your Mother interjection. Spoilers ahoy. Barney is in love with Robin and I've been shipping them for the past season and half and ROBIN DOESN'T LOVE BARNEY BACK. I'm SO disappointed. But there's still like, ten minutes left in the episode so we'll see.
Anyway. Melanie is trying to convince Wanderer to go find her crazy Uncle Jeb.
YES. YES. IT'S NOT A NO FROM ROBIN. Aw shit, it's gone in the other direction again. DAMMIT, HIMYM. YES. Okay, I'm okay now.
My father always affectionately referred to them [Melanie's relatives] as the Crazies.
Way to be creative, Smeyer. Don't hurt yourself.
On one of those rare visits to Chicago, Sharon had snuck me into her mother's hidey-hole.
HA! I read this as "Sharon had stuck me into her mother's hidey-hole" and I was like WHOA, WTF?
I'm still not clear on what these "lines on the photo album" are.
CHAPTER 10
Turned
So they're in the convenience store, and the first time I read this I thought Wanderer was going to steal something, considering Wanderer called herself a criminal and she was acting really shifty. But apparently not. This is also where we meet the alien who travelled light years to come to Earth and become a convenience store. Dream big, buddy.
I'm watching Torchwood right now, and I LOVE the fact that Jack just went, "as if!" I love that guy. John Barrowman is also the second gay man I've gotten a celebrity crush on, the first being Neil Patrick Harris.
I'm still confused as to why Wanderer is helping Melanie escape. There's that thing where Wanderer is feeling Melanie's feelings, but don't you think that objectively she would be like, "Hey, wait, I don't really want to be doing this"? Meh, I don't know.
Anyway, they're sleeping in the car but Wnaderer doesn't want to.
CHAPTER 11
Dehydrated
Hey, do you think Wanderer gets dehydrated in this chapter? I'm excited to find out!
Her tone implied that I was quite stupid for not understanding.
Because you are.
So now they're walking in the desert. I'm not sure why they left the car behind, and frankly, I don't really care.
Wanderer's being a moron and drinking all the water and eating all the food. I live in a place where there are bodies of water EVERYWHERE, and even I know you should save water as much as possible in the desert. I think that's just common sense, of which apparently Wanderer has exactly none.
You see another option?She felt my panic, and her tone softened, as if with pity.Look–it's better than the car. At least it's flat. It's too hot for any critters to be attracted to your body heat and –
“Critters?” I demanded aloud.“Critters?”
That was my reaction, except for different reasons probably. Wanderer is scared at the prospect of scorpions or whatever getting on her. My reaction was something like, "Did she actually use the word 'critters' in casual conversation?"
I looked for the half-empty bottle I'd last drunk from, rummaging through the fulls and empties until I began to see a pattern. With a slowly growing sense of alarm, I started counting. I counted twice. There were two more empties than there were fulls. I'd already used up more than half my water supply.
That paragraph is so stupid. But mostly because of this part:
There were two more empties than there were fulls. I'd already used up more than half my water supply.
NO SHIT. We KNOW that there are more empties than fulls, and she has to spell it out that HALF HER WATER SUPPLY IS GONE? I thought this was supposed to be an adult book, and yet she still assumes her readers are idiots.
CHAPTER 12
Failed
Wanderer eats the rest of the food and then freaks out because she thinks Jeb is a lunatic. And then she starts walking out into the burning desert, for whatever reason. Then they lay down to die.
Yes, deus ex machina time!
“Uncle Jeb,” we croaked in surprise. “You found us.”
Uncle Jeb, squatting next to us, rocked back on his heels when we said his name.
“Well, now,” he said, and his gruff voice brought back a hundred memories. “Well, now, here's
a pickle.”
And of course, Jeb lives in the COUNTRY so he has to be the most stereotyical hick that Smeyer can manage.
CHAPTER 13
Sentenced
Jeb takes them to a colony with a bunch of other people and then decide whether she should live or die. I vote die, but my vote doesn't count.
I'll never tell.
"I'll never tellllllllllllllllllll."
I hate this book.
CHAPTER 14
Disputed
Pedobear comes to see what's going on, Wanderer goes to hug him and he backhands her. Yes, that Pedobear, HE IS SO SEXY.
Jared's here, Jared's alive, Jared's here.She was incoherent, chanting the words like they were
lyrics to a song.
I think what I love the most about Smeyer's books is her ability to create such strong female characters. I'm also having trouble imagining her singing this, or figuring out why she would. I would think it would be more of a squeal or something, but whatever.
More talking, then she faints or something.
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