NEW MOON PT. 1

The one good thing (and trust me, there is only one) about the Twilight series is since it's so popular, the movies get pirated and put on the internet VEEEERY quickly, so I can enjoy their hilarious badness, safe in the knowledge that a) I'm not paying for it, b) Nobody sees me and thinks I like this shit unironically, and c) Smeyer is not getting my money. Those thoughts make me feel warm and fuzzy.

It took a lot of searching, but I finally found a fairly good quality pirated copy and I'll be watching it FOR YOU my nonreaders. And for me, since I need the laugh.

Little background: this is the movie in which Bella goes catatonic for months because Edward left her and then she starts trying to kill herself to hear his voice in her head. This movie is also better known as "Jacob shirtless OMG".

So without further ado, here is New Moon.

So we start off with the typical slooooooow imagery with a moon slooooooowly being eclipsed and the words New Moon sloooooooowly coming onto the screen. Then there's a...I'm not sure what you call a scene from the movie that will come later. But Bella is in Italy and then she's running through all these red robed people and never mind it's a dream. Bella sees her grandma and then EW there's Edward Cullen wearing some kind of douchey suit with a weird black collar thing. Seriously, I don't know what up with that.

I HEAR THE SPARKLE NOISES!

OMG PLOT TWIST. Bella's "grandma" is Bella and Edward is still with her, despite the fact that...yeah, I'm not gonna go there.

YAY IT'S MY FAVOURITE CHARACTER. HI CHARLIE, I MISSED YOU! Charlie is one of three of the movie characters that I adore unironically. One of them is Jacob's dad, who seemed very sweet and funny in the first film (but of course, like all the human characters, gets abruptly phased out) and the other is Emmett, who seems like such a hilarious douchebag. In the books, I enjoy Jasper as well (although this [and possibly my love of Emmett] come solely from Growing Up Cullen.)

It's Bella's birthday and Charlie is being so sweet and bringing Bella her presents. You know, I think it would have been interesting if Bella actually loved her dad and didn't have so much contempt for him and we could see how she deals with becoming a vampire and then the possibility of outliving him. But silly me, that would provide conflict and everything has to go as smoothly as possibly for little Bella Sue.

This version I'm watching cut off the heads. I'm not sure whether this will be annoying.

Charlie jokes that she's getting old and she FREAKS OUT. She actually believes she has a grey hair.

Side note: I think I've mentioned this before. Okay, Edward kisses old!Bella's hand. I shuddered, and not because of Edward! It's because I haaaaaaaate getting my hand kissed (and yes, this has somehow happened enough for me to form an opinion). Everyone thinks this is so romantic but it's so gross.

OMG OMG OMG Edward is walking in slow mo towards Bella with his own soundtrack. I can't even DESCRIBE how cheesy this is.

Bella complains about being old and Edward's all "Dude, I'm 109" and she's like, "maybe I shouldn't be dating such an old man" and THIS IS EXACTLY LIKE THE SCENE WHERE CHLOE AND BUCK WERE JOKING ABOUT HIM BEING OLD.

K, Jacob needs to cut his hair. Taylor Lautner's teeth are SO WHITE.

Also: How dooes Jacob know it's Bella's birthday? I have guy friends that I've known for years and I still don't know their birthdays.

Bella tries to make jokes, but it just doesn't work. I give her an A for effort, but a D on the execution.

Everyone loves Alice, but I find her SO UNSETTLING. You know who else I find unsettling? JASPER. He's like a creepy pedo (almost literally, ha ha ha ha ha) who hangs out in a high school.

IS THAT RAY WISE IN ENGLISH CLASS????? On the one hand GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN, RAY! But on the other YES, YOU CAN MAKE THIS BETTER. Never mind. Sadly it's not him. But now I want to watch Reaper.

So the students are watching Romeo and Juliet and Mike looks like I did when I watched the BBC version. Edward is quoting Romeo and Juliet and this is supposed to be romantic, despite the fact that talking along with the movie is one of the MOST ANNOYING THINGS A PERSON CAN DO. They're talking in the middle of class about Edward's plans to kill himself should Bella ever die. That's romantic.

I can't WAIT to see Michael Sheen and Christopher Heyerdahl. HI CHRIS! GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN, BUT PLEASE RETURN TO STARGATE ATLANTIS AND SUPERNATURAL, KTHXBAI.

So, is it like a prerequisite of vampires to wear floaty vampire shirts?

WHOA. This is more action than I expect from a Twilight film. The Volturi (scary vampire overlords) are shown BREAKING SOMEONE'S NECK. I...I kind of enjoyed that.

I still find Alice so unsettling.

EMMETT! Hopefully you have more lines! YES! Omg. Maybe I just have very, very low standards for this film, but Emmett was like, "Dating an older woman? Hot!" and at Edward's contemptuous look, Emmett's like, "...what?" I LOVE HIM. This is my low standards talking, but I love him!

Bella gets a papercut and it's bleeding like a mofo. I've had papercuts and...they're not generally that bad. Like, I don't think my fingers bled as much as hers when I cut myself on the Tomato Witch at work. So Jasper attacks and I think he gets thrown into the piano or something. Bella's all cut up and Edward's just watching her CREEPY.

So this is supposed to be like Romeo and Juliet. Smeyer does know that's about two impetuous morons whose lack of logical thinking ended in their deaths, right?

There is SO MUCH SILENCE in this film. I wish I was watching this shit with RiffTrax. "Line...line...LINE!"

Dear God, I'm only 20 minutes in and already I want to kill myself.

I know this question has been asked a million times. But WHY IN THE WORLD is she attracted to Edward Cullen. Even leaving out all the abusive stalkerness, he's just so bland and humourless and BORING. Like he never cracks jokes, except for last movie when he was like, "Yes, no...to get to the other side." That was one of like three lines I enjoyed (one coming from Charlie, the other from Billy Black).

So now Edward says he has to leave (EDWARD LOOKS SO SCARY) and she's all, "I'LL COME WITH YOU ZOMG" and he's like, "I don't want you to come" and of course, she's devastated because EVERY GIRL NEEDS A MAN. Oh lordy, this is so depressing how she is nothing without Edward.

Edward's lipstick is so...so...red. Like Gwen Stefani red.

Bella runs through the forest and then passes out or falls asleep or something. I dunno, I stopped paying attention because it's so boring. Plus, this is pirated from a theatre-goer so the visual quality isn't great and I can't currently see anything.

WTF? Billy's played by someone else now?

What possible reason could Sam have to walk around in the woods, at night, shirtless? I mean, fanservice is one thing, but REALLY FUCKING DUMB is another.

Oh hey, now Bella's catatonic. We are informed it's October and no she seriously is fucking catatonic. She's just in her room staring at nothing while melancholy music is playing. And now it's November, and she hasn't moved. I can't believe I'm actually looking at this now. Someone decided that THIS PART ACTUALLY HAD TO BE ON SCREEN. December. She hasn't moved yet. Who thought this would actually be a compelling movie?

Bella's screaming in her sleep. POOR CHARLIE. Charlie's such a good dad and then Bella just treats him like dirt.

HA HA HA HA HA there's a bar called "One Eyed Pete's." I would TOTALLY be on that shit like WHITE ON RICE. So anyway, Bella sees the rapists and starts to go over there for whatever reason and then SHE HEARS EDWARD IN HER HEAD and she sees him standing before her. It reminds me of the trailer for "The House on Haunted Hill" where Vincent Price's head is floating in the air and speaking in a disconcerting manner. (For your viewing pleasure: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FmgAsLr2bgI. It looks exactly like that, kind of sad seeing as HOHH was made back in the 50s. Btw: HOHH is a really good movie, better than this crap) The effects in New Moon are so bad, which is weird seeing as how I'm sure this movie had a bigger budget than the first.

Bella gets on a motorcycle with a fatter, sinister, version of Simon Pegg and Jessica freaks out.

Now Bella is putting her life in danger just to see Edward.

Jacob is so sweet in this movie. He obviously enjoys her company and he's so smiley when she's around and he's actually a real friend and a NORMAL DUDE. I like him so much better than Edward. And then Eclipse comes along and Jacob turns into a sexually assaulting loser. But you know, when it comes to Twilight, I'll enjoy my fuzzy feelings where I can get them.

Okay, I'm enjoying Jacob in almost every respect except for his fucking voice. I can't really describe it but it goes really gravelly and he talks like he has rocks in his mouth. I HATE that.

OMG Bella actually said something that was kinda funny and THEN SHE LAUGHED YOU GUYS. Jake was joking around that she had a crush on him and then she was like, "I'm not really into the cougar thing." Okay, it's not Laurel and Hardy, but I will take my laughs where I can get them.

Charlie is so sweet. Ha ha ha ha ha he's talking to Bella about how she should "love what's good for her" (meaning Jacob) and he's like, "What do I know? I'm a terminal bachelor. Famous ladies' man." I love him.

Bella says "mad skillz" and my opinion of her sense of humour plummets again.

Bella and Jacob see some Natives cliff diving and when Jacob says it's a rush, she gets the glimmer of an idea.

Yeah, I'm sure taking off your shirt to put it to Bella's wound was TOTALLY necessary. Bella, woozy in her head traumaed state, calls him beautiful. HOLY SHIT he is buff though. WOW.

Anyhoo, that's it for part 1 solely because I'm on Megavideo and you can only watch 72 minutes at a time and the reloading process is taking FOREVER so I'll just finish this tomorrow. I'll save my sanity that way.

Left Behind 23 TO THE END WOO

Edit: Someone left a puzzling comment on this post. I don't understand its significance.

I only have three chapters left so I'm getting this shit done in one fell swoop so I can concentrate on my NaNo and actual school work.

CHAPTER 23

Buck goes to Chicago and is greeted by a young woman in "sensible shoes." APPARENTLY this is slang somewhere for "lesbian" but if this wasn't a conscious decision on the part of Jenkins, why in the world would you describe someone as having sensible shoes?

Anyhoo, this woman is showing resourcefulness, independence, and whatever the opposite of submission is. Naturally, she will have a tragic ending.

"This is the world we've always wanted it and hoped it would be!"
Yeah, Buck, what's the matter? This is the world we've always wanted, with a third of the inhabitants (including all children) gone! And supposedly there's chaos and death everywhere! What's wrong with you? This world is awesome!

Chloe is like a Stepford Wife after her conversion. Before she was independent and had her own mind. Now she's all smiley and buys completely into whatever Rayford and Bruce tell her. It's freaky.

It's always such a shock whenever people talk about Bruce's youth, because I ALWAYS imagine him as Rene Angelil.

"Your friends, the Steeles, told me you might call," Bruce said.
Buck was struck by his honesty. In the world in which Buck moved, he might have kept that information to himself, that edge.
What edge? What edge does knowing that Buck might call give Bruce? And why would Buck think that Bruce, a pastor of a small church, would need an edge?

LMAO. Buck, Buck, Buck. Bruce is telling Buck about his history, about becoming a pastor but not really accepting Christ. And then Buck interrupts and asks if Bruce wants to know more about him. WHAT. First, who narcissistic is that? "Hey, you want to know more about me?" Second, YOU DON'T DO THAT IN INTERVIEWS. I thought Buck was the bestest reporter in the world! And yet he doesn't even know any rudimentary interviewing rules.

"He had feared Bruce was about to pop the question."
Yes, technically you can pop ANY question, but when have you seen that phrase outside stories about marriage proposal?

"But I have enough energy to go to midnight if you do."
Remember what I said about taking any line and making it into a that's what she said joke? Yeah.

Suddenly, Bruce is sure that Carpathia is the Antichrist. Wasn't it a few chapters ago that he wasn't sure or he didn't think so or something? CONTINUITY, JENKINS.

CHAPTER 24

Last chapter, Steve had asked Buck to bring Hattie to the Antichrist and this completely weirded Buck out, and he likened himself to a pimp. So, engineering it so you get the seat on a plane beside a girl you hardly know isn't creepy, but organizing a meeting between your two friends is?

Apparently Steve thought Buck was "the toughest bird dog" he ever sent on a story. Bird dog?

Buck and Steve proceed to have a coded phone message that will fool exactly no one, outside of infants and severely mentally damaged people. Here's what I mean. Buck is trying to get Steve to admit who he REALLY works for.
"You work for the Romanian businessman?"
GEE, I WONDER WHO THAT COULD BE.

"And I shouldn't broach the subject with him, in spite of the fact that I'm a writer who covers all bases and asks the tough questions?"
Writer? Wrong.
Covers all bases? Wrong.
Asks tough questions? Wrong.
Buck is the most unself-aware person I have ever had the displeasure of reading about.

BUCK IS SO STUPID. Bruce mentions that he thought Carpathia came from a mountainous region because of his name. Buck's all, "Durrrr...his name?" DUH, YOU DUMBASS, THE CARPATHIAN MOUNTAINS. Let's add "Carpathian" to the words he doesn't know the meaning of, in addition to "tape" and "how".

Hattie's got some BACKBONE, people! Buck calls her to advise her not to go visit Carpathia, and he says he's doing it "as a friend."
"You're not my friend, Buck. It was obvious you didn't even like me. I tried to shove you off onto Rayford Steele's little girl, and I'm not even sure you had the brains to pick up on that."
It's obvious here that they're trying to portray Hattie as some kind of hellish bitch, but the only thing running through my mind is, YOU GO GIRL. Dare I say it? I almost kind of love her. I guess now that Chloe's gone ("She's dead, Jim) I have to like a character just to keep from self-harm, and Hattie's it.

Chloe mentions to her father that she wants to invite Hattie for lunch, and Rayford's all, "I thought you didn't even like her." Since when? I thought they were kind of buddies. Didn't they go to the beauty salon together or something?

Others had noticed his [Buck's] purposeful stride.
This is something Buck and I have in common, and that makes me pretty unhappy. Apparently I "walk with purpose". The only difference is I'm not vain about this. Why would you be? Why would one of your selling points be a "purposeful stride"?

Didn't everyone love Carpathia once upon a time? It seems really sudden that everyone is so suspicious of him.

CHAPTER 25

Almost done, guys. Almost done.

This whole thing at the UN becomes funnier once you realize that LaHaye believes the UN is an agent of Satan. Here's what else he thinks is just a front for Satan:
Planned Parenthood
Some organization that is a proponent of equality
The State Department
Major foundations (Carnegie and Ford, etc)
the UN
Left wing politicians
Various Ivy League schools

So basically, people who want equality, proponents of global peace, proponents of education, and organizations whose purpose is to help children whose parents can't take care of them.
Tim LaHaye is batshit. His views on homosexuality are vile. From Wikipedia:

In 1978 LaHaye published The Unhappy Gays , which was later retitled What Everyone Should Know About Homosexuality. The book called homosexuals "militant, organized" and "vile." The Unhappy Gays also argues that gays share 16 pernicious traits, including "incredible promiscuity," "deceit," "selfishness," "vulnerability to sadism-masochism" and "poor health and an early death." He speculates whether those who accept gays even though they are so unhappy or "those who practiced Old Testament capital punishment" on gays are more "cruel and inhuman." He has called the book "a model of compassion." He believes that homosexuality can be cured. However, he says that such conversions are rare.

His wife is equally crazy. I think she runs some kind of organization that is anti-feminist, and also hates gays:
"In a mailing sent to the group's members she wrote that gays and lesbians "want their depraved 'values' to become our children's values. Homosexuals expect society to embrace their immoral way of life. Worse yet, they are looking for new recruits!""

Look, I'm friends with gay people. IN NO WAY are they looking to "recruit" anyone. I have never heard of ANY gay people being like, "Come be gay too! It's fun!" You know? That's so crazy.

Anyway, back to Left Behind.

Hattie is now Carpathia's personal assistant. Carpathia seems to think that he now employs Buck, but I'm not sure why.

I...kind of like Damien. He's...kind of badass. I feel a little nauseated admitting liking anyone and twice in one post is a little much. Anyway, he's getting ready to kill Stonagal, who's some businessman guy. I don't know. Anyway, he's like to Hattie, "Move your chair back, don't want you to get dirty." It's at least a passable attempt at writing a badass character, and I have to give Jenkins that.

So Damien kills Stonagal and Todd-Cothran (another businessman. Or something). Damien then brainwashes everyone into believing that Stonagal took the security guard's gun and killed Todd-Cothran.
"...Jonathan Stonagal told me as recently as at breakfast this morning that he felt personally responsible for two recent deaths in England and that he could no longer live with the guilt."
How was he responsible? For being British?

Anyhoo, Buck isn't affected by Damien's voodoo because he has God on his side! But shit, what's he going to do when they question him? He says nothing and Damien puts words in his mouth. Okay, yeah, THAT WAS LUCKY. So Buck calls Steve, who doesn't remember Buck being in the room when the "suicide" happened. Why would Damien brainwash Steve to think that? It seems pointless.

Uh oh. Bailey demoted Cameron, who now is working for the chick with the sensible shoes in Chicago. Buck won't like that.

And...that's the end. You know, I don't even KNOW if that was more tedious than Twilight. Twilight is my measurement of horrible books, but Left Behind seems to be in a category of its own. I might go look for the second book and/or the movie sometime. But for now I won't be posting as much because of NaNoWriMo.

Left Behind Chapters 7 and 8

CHAPTER 7
Weird word/phrase- Dangedest

Buck gets into the chartered jet and the pilot mentions something about puddle jumpers, because we are now on Atlantis in the Pegasus galaxy. The pilot (Ken) asks Buck what he thinks of the disappearances.

"Funny you should ask," Buck said. "I've got to start working on that in earnest today."
Yes, because there definitely weren't any good interviews to be had from anyone in the airport or any of the rescue teams. Buck is the worst journalist ever.

Ken's talking about aliens:
"They don't even take seriously anything strange within several miles of an airport. That's why you never hear stories of UFOs near O'Hare."
Yes, except for these:
http://news.sky.com/skynews/Home/Sky-News-Archive/Article/200806413559776
http://www.ufo-blogger.com/2008/06/disc-spotted-near-ohare-within-15.html
http://www.flickr.com/photos/chuckcirino/351112882/

This book would be SO much better if it actually was about aliens. Or if there was less of an emphasis on religion (as much as there can be, with an interpretation of Revelations). You know who also kind of wrote about the Rapture? Dean Koontz, in The Taking. The Taking is a fantastic, fantastic book. It describes the world post-disappearances very well and has an atmosphere of eerieness and confusion. It's just great. I'd rather be reading that right now.

Meanwhile, Rayford has no interest in anything except waiting for Chloe to get home. He somehow 100% knows that the Rapture has happened and so is trying to figure out what happened by looking in Irene's Bible.

Rayford was revered, proudly introduced as a 747 captain to newcomers and guests.
I would think he'd be less revered when they find out that he only makes about 25K a year.

Back to Buck. Ken seems to think it's more important to talk about old boxers (the sport, not the underwear) than it is to, oh, I don't know, TALK ABOUT HOW OVER A BILLION PEOPLE DISAPPEARED INTO THIN AIR?

Fortunately, Buck was in great shape.
Phew! I was worried. You know, little known fact: spending lots of time in airplanes and in front of a computer screen= great exercise! You know that all those journalists have washboard abs. Heck, I'm staring at mine right now.

Discussing a plane that went down with no survivors:
"And this was after the disappearances?"
"Just last night. Totally unrelated."
"Wouldn't that have been a kick in the teeth?"
"Indeed."
Rayford, as per usual, shows no emotion whatsoever in the face of human tragedy. Maybe the fact that he is apparently conversing with Teal'c from Stargate SG-1 is rubbing off on him.

CHAPTER 8

Buck and his editor Steve are discussing a presidential election in Romania, because nothing else interesting is going on in the world, obviously.

"People took dirt naps."
"Ooh Steve, you talk just like a mobster."
Ooh, Steve, talk dirty to me!

Methinks Buck is supposed to come off as dashing and cavalier but...he doesn't.

Wtf, Rayford? He comes to the conclusion that "this is the word season of his life." First, DUH. Second, season? As opposed to week? Then he mentions that he's glad his parents died because they were sick. Really? You're going to use the word "glad?" That sounds really, really...unfeeling. Even if my parents had Alzheimer's before, I would be devastated if they both died around the same time! Rayford is a cyborg. I will bet you anything he's a proponent of utilitarian bioethics.

Rayford calls being a pilot a "highly paid" profession. I just saw the new Michael Moore doc and the only part that really stuck is that pilots don't get paid nearly enough. Maybe it was different in '95.

We learn that Irene dropped out of college when she got married, just like good little girls are supposed to.

"...he didn't enjoy having a pregnant wife."
Well, who's fucking fault is that?

We also learn that Rayford stayed away from home as much as possible while Irene was pregnant. WAY TO BE A MAN, ASSHOLE.

Rayford wants Chloe home. Not because he cares about her welfare or because he misses her, but because she would "assuage his grief and pain." Buck is a moron, but Rayford is almost evil.

You guys, here's a joke!
Ozark spelled backward is Krazo.
Ho ho ho! It's funny because Krazo kind of sounds like crazy.

So Hattie calls and Rayford is an ass and then he wonders "How selfish can I be?" showing a rare glimpse of self-awareness that I'm assuming will never rear its head again.

Hattie calls Buck to tell him about how Rayford was an ass and Buck is also an ass, rolling his eyes and saying he can understand Rayford's actions. Would it kill anyone to just show a little sympathy to Hattie?

Maybe Hattie showed more depth and sense when she wasn't under stress.
SERIOUSLY? This from the guy who has made no move to help anyone else? Hattie is the only one in the book so far who has even indicated that she cares about anyone other than herself. l;akdshf;asdhfasdfsd.

Left Behind Chapters 5 and 6

CHAPTER 5

Buck Williams stops to take inventory, because this is suddenly an RPG. He also carries a murse. He has stuff in a special pouch in his jeans IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. Seriously though, is this a money belt? Because those don't generally go inside your jeans. You'll get weird looks whenever you whip it out.

Now Buck is telling us about his overseas laundry methods. NO ONE GIVES A SHIT. Buck continues telling us about things about which we don't give a shit, like the time he scooped some people on a sports story. Yes, you can say that they don't like you because you scooped them, but for God's sake we don't need any more details than that. Oh, and THEN we get shown the conversation the two have about said scooped story. Seriously, Tim and Jerry? We don't get any details about burning wreckage at the airports or the suicidal pilot or the way people feel about the disappearances or the grieving people, but we get enormous detail about A SCOOPED SPORTS STORY THAT HAPPENED A LONG TIME AGO? And then the chick he's talking to goes into an impromptu Jesus speech. Dear God, let's just get back to the "action", such that it is, already.

So Buck's talking about why he was overseas in the first place. We get all this unnecessary detail about following a tip from a conspiracy theorist former classmate blah blah I'm just going to skip it.

I love how all these names are ridiculously manly. Rayford. Buck. Dirk.

"I wish I could say I tried to call you Hattie, but I didn't. This is hard for me."
Well that's comforting. Like it's not hard for Hattie either? Or any of the friggin' BILLIONS OF PEOPLE WHO HAD RELATIVES DISAPPEAR? Rayford is such a prick. Before he was all lusting after Hattie but making her work for it and all of a sudden he's completely cold but Hattie is still worrying about him.

Wtf? This is so mean:
Losing his wife and child made him realize what a vapid relationship he had been pursuing with a twenty-seven-year-old woman. He hardly knew her, and he certainly didn't much care what happened to her family any more than he cared when he heard about a remote tragedy on the news.
What an awful thing to say! Most people care about their coworkers, even if they're not really friends. I know if I was still at the cafe and an acquaintance (we'll say Teneille) came to work all, "OMG! My family disappeared without a trace!" I'd at least be empathetic. It's called BASIC DECENCY.

Here's why I'm confused about Rayford though. He's ostensibly the "protagonist" inasmuch as we see everything through his eyes. But he hasn't been "saved" and so is a "bad person." Am I supposed to relate to him? But then Tim and Jerry are saying that I'm a bad person too. But why would I want to be in the head of such an awful, awful person? (Not awful because he's unsaved, but awful because he's a truly sociopathic human being.) I assume this will not become clear.

Hattie's so stupid. Find someone who actually cares about other people, okay?

Back to Buck. He calls a private pilot who is basically gouging passengers who want to get places. I love how human decency goes out the window just hours after a disaster. Maybe I'm just being idealistic, but I feel it should take longer, or there should be some actually good people out there. We haven't met anyone yet who cares about helping other people, and I think there should be at least a FEW. In the wake of 9/11, there were tons of volunteers, but apparently not when people disappear.

This was written in 1995, and I was only five then. But...should you be allowed to check your voicemail on a phone miles away while you're on a payphone? Somehow I think this shouldn't be possible.

Buck is describing his brother and sister-in-law. They had a tumultuous marriage, but the wife had been "forgiving and conciliatory", which means that she gets a free pass to Heaven! Woo hoo! We also get told that Jeff's children both look like him and are "precious." This is integral to the story.

"This is too strange, isn't it?"
Somehow, that wouldn't be my first reaction. It would be something like, "WHAT THE FUCK BILLIONS DISAPPEARED INTO THING AIR? THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE, IT MUST BE ALIENS WHAT THE FUCK WHERE THE HELL IS EVERYONE?" Buck seems to be talking about like, someone who can shoot milk out of their nose.

Here's what confuses me about the Rapture. The "saved" people go to Heaven, which means they're dead. The people who are "left behind" are still alive. Would you rather be dead or alive? The "desirable" option here seems like it sucks ass.

Buck calls Lucinda and gets her teenage son, who says she's disappeared, and obviously she's in Heaven. I'm reading the Slacktivist articles as I'm doing this recap, and he made the comment that every characters seems to have read the back of the book and they know they're in a Rapture story. This is totally true. Rapture would NOT be my first guess and I probably wouldn't even think of it unless I heard someone talking about it. I'm pretty sure "aliens" would come before "Rapture." Most people who aren't fundies don't even know what the Rapture is.

THIS KID IS SO INSANE. The conversation between him and Buck goes something like this:
Kid: My whole family is gone.
Buck: I'm so sorry!
Kid: That's all right. I know they're in Heaven and I can't say I'm surprised.
Buck: Do you have anyone to take care of you?
Kid: My uncle. And a guy from church.

WHO TALKS LIKE THIS? If my family disappeared and I KNEW for sure they were in Heaven, I would still be freaking out. Because THEY'RE DEAD, plus I'm an orphan now. I can't get money because there are no jobs and there's bound to be looters and criminals around and I can't protect myself. These people are all cyborgs or something. Is this how fundies think? Is this how they would act in a situation like this? Because if so, Jack Chick is even more batshit than I previously thought.

CHAPTER 6

So we learn that Irene disapproved of Rayford drinking and she wanted him to keep it from their son Ray. Growing up, I always knew my dad drank, and it didn't affect me at all. Fundies seem so uptight.

"How does that jibe with your insistence that we be totally truthful?"
I...don't think jibe is the right word. Did no one edit this?

WHAT.
Rayford poured three inches into a wide crystal glass and threw it back like a veteran. That was about as out of character as he could find comfortable. The stuff hit the back of his throat and burned all the way down, giving him a chill that made him shudder and groan.
Have these people done shots before? Granted, I've never done bourbon shots, and maybe they actually make you "shudder and groan", but I've done vodka shots and shuddering and groaning seems like a very extreme reaction. Also, obviously the fact that it was three inches of liquid is integral to the story.

Ha ha, he's also getting a buzz from one shot.

I love how Rayford only loves his wife when she's gone. Yeah, that's sincere.

Shouldn't your first reaction in a disaster be to listen to the radio or watch TV to get more information? Yet Rayford consciously avoids that, further cementing my belief that he is not a real person.

Rayford keeps SAYING that he loves his daughter, but somehow I doubt his conviction. We know how fickle he is about women.

Rayford is a cutthroat father. He talking about how Ray was always too compassionate, always caring about others when Rayford thought he should be looking out for number one. What a great parenting strategy. This is how bullies are made, ladies and gentlemen.

Buck backstory. His family resents him because he went on to an Ivy League school and became super successful when he should have gone into the family business. You know, the usual cliched angst.

Buck's dad tells him that Jeff's (the brother's) kids disappeared, along with everyone else on this retreat and Buck's response is "whew, boy." UNDERSTATEMENT.

Let's talk about the fact that all the children under a certain age (looks to be under 13) disappear. Supposedly, they're innocent and uncorrupted. LIKE HELL. I know PLENTY of kids who are FAR from innocent. What about the bullies? They get to go to Heaven just because they had the good luck to be born a certain year? What about the kid who called me a "shithead" in third grade? He gets to go? That's a dick move. What about friggin' LISA MARIE who's the most batshit kid ever and regularly bit people on the playground? Why does she get to go to Heaven and I don't? What about good people who aren't fundies? Obviously, Catholic people don't get to go because they're THE DEVIL. So that leaves out Mother Theresa, if she were alive at the time of the Rapture. What about Ghandi? He's not a fundie. He goes to Hell? What about Harriet Tubman? She's not a fundie either. So a LIFETIME of doing good doesn't mean shit unless you're a fundamentalist Christian.

Back to assh- I mean Rayford. He reads a piece about Nicolae Carpathia. "Hmm, a surprise move in Romania." Rayford can't bring himself to care about Hattie's family, but he cares about a presidential election in ROMANIA? It's hard news, but whoever wrote it obviously doesn't know what they're doing because they use adjectives to describe him. This is what I've learned in hard news class: BEING CREATIVE IS BAD. Anyone writing hard news would strive to be completely objective.

This book is so batshit.

OMG YOU GUYS

Hey guys! So, a whole sequence of destined events led me to what we're going to talk about today. My sister was visiting and she wanted to go to this place called Labyrinth to look at graphic novels. So we wandered Bloor and Labyrinth was closed so we went to BMV books while we were waiting for our friend, who was going to meet us and we were going to go to a pub. I was just kind of looking at random books and Lindsay went to find a Stephen King book. She couldn't find one so I went to help her and we we were both really tired so we sat on the ground in front of the K's and there were no Stephen King books but I found...
...
...
LEFT BEHIND BOOK 1! I'm pretty excited. I've wanted to read it ever since I read a Chuck Klosterman essay on it and I feel like yesterday was a whole sequence of events that led to me find it. And it was only five bucks, so that was cool. Anyway. Left Behind is a book series about the Rapture and then a group of people who team up to kill the Antichrist. Awesome premise right? Well, from what I've heard, the execution is not that great. For further reading, I recommend: http://exharpazo.blogspot.com/2007/01/index-to-slactivists-left-behind.html
I can't remember the dude's name, but he talks about Left Behind. And I wanted to do Left Behind before I even found his blog, so yeah.

So Left Behind is a religious book, so I feel the need to say this: I consider myself Christian. I believe in God and the devil and all that. I'm not sure if I believe in the second coming and the rapture and everything, but I don't disbelieve it. I don't believe in forcing my beliefs on other people, and I feel fundies give everyone else a bad name. I also feel that God accepts everyone, even if you don't consider yourself Christian. My aim in doing Left Behind is not to make fun of religious beliefs (okay...maybe fundie religious beliefs) but to make fun of literary technique. So here we go.

CHAPTER 1
Anachronistic word/phrase: "Private necking session."

So we start off with pilot Frisky McPorn-name, um, I mean Rayford Steele, thinking about flight attendant Hattie Durham. He likes that she touches his arm when she walks past and that she admires him. Rayford is unhappy at home because his wife is now super-religious. So basically, he's lusting after this chick because she's hot and she admires him. Personality? What's that?

This part's creepy though:
They had spent time together, chatting for hours over drinks or dinner, sometimes with coworkers, sometimes not. He had not returned so much as one brush of a finger, but his eyes had held her gaze and he could only assume that his smile had made his point.
Someone had made the point that Rayford was emotionally manipulating Hattie. Does this whole thing not sound like a dick move? He knows Hattie likes him and he does nothing to return her affection, even though he likes her too. It seems like he's making her work for it, making her emotionally turmoiled so that he feels like he has power. He's also planning on putting a hand on her shoulder, hoping she'll take that to mean that he wants a relationship. Wtf? Who over the age of 15 does such a passive aggressive thing?

Rayford still feels guilty over a "private necking session" at a party 12 years before. NO ONE TALKS LIKE THIS.

Rayford thinks that the reason he is not as religious as his wife is that's he's smarter and more logical. Asshole. Also, to Rayford, wife becoming religious=he is now free to have an affair without guilt. Not seeing the logic there, Ray, but whatever. I'm not too sure who we're supposed to be sympathizing with here.

Enter Cameron "Buck" Williams. He's a world famous super special awesome journalist. One day he went to Israel, and then we have an infodump.

Wtf? So in this flashback or whatever, Buck is talking about interviewing this guy in Israel. This dude had made this special fertilizer that causes the desert to erupt into flowers. I don't know why this is relevant, and the passage goes on for a very long time. It's not pushing the story forward. We don't give a shit about flowers. Why is this here?

Imagine what the formula might do if modified to work on the vast tundra of Russia! Could regions bloom, though snow covered it most of the year?
Yeah, sure. Let's try using this weird-ass formula to make plants grow in a place where they haven't grown in like, ever. I'm sure that will have no effect whatsoever on the environment.

Wait. Wait. Is this in the future? I'm confused. Apparently the whole world uses three different currencies. Why is this relevant? I don't know. Anyway, for some reason, Russia gets mad and launches an attack on Israel. Luckily, Buck is on the scene to cover this amazing event!

To say the Israelis were caught off guard, Cameron Williams had written, would be like saying the Great Wall of China was long.
This is a world famous journalist, ladies and gentlemen. Also, none of that quote is italicized in the book when it definitely should be.

He felt no bravado, no uniqueness.
That comma should be a semicolon. And one can't feel the emotion of uniqueness. Bravado is an emotion. Uniqueness is not. I'm not even sure what the writers were getting at here. So Buck thinks he's going to die and then all of a sudden a firestorm takes out the Russian offense. Deus ex machina, ahoy.

Despite what you tell us, Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins, Ethiopia is not a Middle Eastern country.

Back to Ray. Hattie's flipping out because people have disappeared, leaving their clothes behind.

"Should I turn on the cabin lights?"
"No," he whispered. "The less people know right now, the better."
The FEWER people who know, Rayford. Dammit. Also, I'm pretty sure it won't take people long to figure out that A SHITLOAD OF PEOPLE ARE MISSING. Hattie's hysterical, reminiscent of that chick from Night of the Living Dead that my theatre HATED. Rayford's a big strong man, so he stays calm. Strangely, though, he immediately knows that these people have been taken in the Rapture. That's not the first conclusion I would come to.

CHAPTER 2
HA HA HA HA HA. This old lady asks Buck (who is also on the plane) to go check if her husband is in the bathroom and take a blanket because he's naked and he's really religious so he'll be embarrassed. I don't know what my reaction would be if some old lady was like, "Go find my husband and cover him up because he's naked. He'll be embarrassed." The lady doesn't even seem to find it strange that he has no clothes.

"I was hoping it was something on the plane. Some gas, some malfunction."
Yeah, because I'm sure GAS caused people to disappear. Someone else suggested spontaneous combustion, which is just as moronic.

Buck does something strange with the phone. He hacks into it to get a message to his boss, but the message might be in Morse code or some shit? I really don't know what's going on.

Buck calls the flight attendant "Beautiful Hattie." Really? What? Who does that?

This book is kind of amateurish, and it's kind of like Dan Brown-lite, if you can get lighter than Dan Brown. So far, no redonk fundie philosophy, so that's good I guess. We'll see tomorrow.

I'm The Goddamn Batman Issue #8

Good news, people! This was actually the last issue I had, but it turns out there's a ninth one and I just spent five minutes of my time intensely searching for it. It'd downloading as we speak. Or, as I type. You know. Whatever. Anyway.

Cover: The Joker, sporting some pretty intense tattoos, is holding Batman's cape (just wrote cake) with a sneaky look on his face.

Alternate cover: HOLY SHIT. I couldn't figure out who this was at first. I thought it was Alfred, but I was confused because he had horns. Then I realized it was an optical illusion, with TWO faces making up the one. Jim Lee is truly transcendent. A troubling point: Alfred (?) appears to have the teeth of a horse.

Joker's one night stand is all, "I never do this, especially with someone I just met" and then asks Joker's name. He's all, "They call me the Joker" and then:

What a funny coincidence! Are you making the connection yet, sweetie? No? Okay.

Joker admits that it was him and then starts talking about the girl. She's a reputable attorney who crusades against child molesters. Joker apparently loves her in his special little way. I'm not liking where this is going.

Joker is really ripped too. Is there something in the water in Gotham?

The Joker then hits the girl and (I'm assuming) rapes her, and he calls it love.

I feel uncomfortable.

Here's something I really like, and I'm not sure if it's Jim Lee or Frank Miller's idea. Each character's text box is different. Batman's is scribbled out hastily on crooked boxes, probably indicating his lack of care in any aspect of his life. Alfred's are neat and tidy on square little boxes. Black Canary has more feminine writing. Joker has childish writing and green boxes. It's kind of like a leitmotif.

It puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again.

Okay, he may not have raped her. I can't really tell.

WHOA. The Joker has a henchmen. She appears to be a white supremacist, with short blonde hair and a military demeanour. She's wearing no shirt, but has giant swastikas covering her boobs. She appears to have no nipples. Frankly, she scares the everloving bejeezus out of me.

Remember when Batman was like, "Avenger or detective?" I honestly didn't know which one he wanted Robin to pick. Apparently he wanted Robin to pick "detective", which he did. Batman is happy, or at least as happy as Batman gets. Batman is starting to respect Robin because he's as smart as Batman. Their banter here, again, has the ring of a couple who appear to hate each other but are really attracted to each other. I can't think of any examples right now, but I'm sure there are many.

This is the second time someone has used the word "queer" but I'm wondering if they mean like "gay" or just weird.

Batman orders Robin to get a cape and mask. Batman starts to have second thoughts about playing "father." I would have called it playing "psychopath" but tomato tomahto.

Batman calls Robin "Boy Wonder" which sets the wheels turning in Robin's mind. Batman turns to leave again but Robin, with an intense look on his face, says that Batman has to answer a question. What shall the question be? "Why did you kidnap me?" "Are you insane?" "Do you have any sort of working moral compass?" Nope, the question is "What's the deal with the robot T-rex?" Finally, after like four issues, we get an answer about that T-rex. But actually we don't, because Batman's answer is simply "shut up." Another sleepless night.

Batman sees some kind of signal in the sky and for the life of me I can't figure it out. I assume it's from the Joker because it's green, but it looks like a vertical "101" or maybe a crop circle.

Batman dumps Jocko in the river and Jocko's response is to call Batman a creep. This seems like an underwhelming thing to call the guy who murdered you.

Editor's note: We can't print Jocko-Boy's response, due to standards of decency. The response demands an anatomical impossibility.

Well, that's more like it.

Robin contemplates a Robin Hood costume and then starts talking to Alfred's voice. Robin thanks Alfred for bringing him food.

How does a 12-year-old identify an accent from South Kensington?

Batman: I've never been all that good with people.

Well, that's one HELL of an understatement. This part made me laugh though:

Batman: I've got a retarded demigod to take care of.

That's a sentence you don't hear often.

Oh, apparently the vertical "101" is Green Lantern's signal. As per usual, he's sitting around doing nothing. Batman apparently is "everywhere and nowhere." He's like Jesus.

Green Lantern's mask is like one of those masquerade masks, only it doesn't have the stick. How is it staying on his face? The questions continue.

Batman tells us a little about Green Lantern. Basically, he's a moron with the most powerful ring in the universe. Whatever he wants, the ring makes it happen. Batman sounds like he's contemplating stealing it.

OMG IT'S CATWOMAN, YOU GUYS.

Sadly, her appearance only takes up two panels. The Joker asks her if she wants to join in some mischief.

Robin's Robin Hood costume is ADORABLE. But there's a lot of loose clothing that can get caught in stuff. I'm mostly confused how Alfred managed to make a whole Robin Hood costume in like an hour. Did he have all the fabric hanging around the house?

Batman takes the hood and pulls it over Robin's face. He tells Batman to lose the hood, and just be Robin. I wonder if the story of his costume is canon.

That's the end of issue 8.

I'm The Goddamn Batman Issue #7

Cover: Batman and Black Canary fighting bad guys.

Alternate cover: A really weird and somewhat Dadaist drawing of Batman.

So Batman's laying the smack down on the bad guys that were chasing Black Canary, and he's getting a lot of joy out of it. It appears that Batman is thinking of making a bomb, but I wasn't aware that was his thing.

"They're shooting scared. They're shooting stupid. Killing their own. Life is good."

I don't have a problem with anti-heroes. I LOVE Sam Spade, and this is a guy who feels nothing over diddling his partner's wife or said partner's death, or his love interest being sent to jail. But I think Batman has crossed the line from "appealingly dark" to "fucking psychotic."

He is definitely right now throwing Molotov cocktails at the bad guys. Way to NOT DRAW ATTENTION TO YOURSELF, Batman.

What exactly does having your underwear over your tights do? Is there a purpose? It's certainly not for the aesthetic quality.

Black Canary: Has anyone told you, my good man, that you are totally hot?

Batman: Not for the last few days, no.

I actually found that part funny. So anyway, Black Canary kisses him and Batman likes it because she smokes. Or something. He goes, "I haven't kissed a smoker in weeks...not since Selina." YAY, CATWOMAN.

And then...they fuck. On the docks. In the rain. With a bunch of dead bodies nearby and fires smouldering. Righty-o then.

Edit: Forgot to add, also without appearing to take their clothes off.

Batman asks if she needs a ride home and she expresses disbelief because he's "the goddamn Batman and you need a goddamn car?" Well, what the hell's he going to do, fly? Batman doesn't have any powers.

Not sure if you can read it, but basically Batman is having a shitfit because Black Canary expressed disbelief at the Batmobile's name, and he's complaining because he gets shit about calling it that all the time. You guys, can't a dude name his car something stupid without getting grief about it?

Previously, Batman briefly mentioned a guy who could fly, and Black Canary asks for clarification but he says it doesn't matter. I find it funny that NO ONE knows about Superman.

There's a funny line in Chuck Klosterman IV that says, "The Joker was Batman's nemesis, but -ironically - his archenemy was Superman, since Superman made Batman entirely mortal and generally nonessential. Nobody likes to admit this, but Batman fucking hated Superman; Superman is the reason Batman became an alcoholic." Chuck might actually be right about this. I've never thought of Batman and Superman as knowing about each other, but it seems Frank disagrees with me.

Mildly amusing confusion. Black Canary goes, "Do you mind telling me who you're carrying on your shoulder?" and I thought she meant that she knew Batman was still hung up on someone (Catwoman) and she wanted to know who it was. But no, Batman is literally carrying someone on his shoulder.

Black Canary keeps suggesting to Batman that he might not be so psycho if he talked to someone once in a while, which is decent advice. Batman doesn't think so and tells her repeatedly to shut up. Black Canary seems unperturbed, however. Batman thinks that she's pushing her luck and then immediately does a 180 and goes, "she has a right to say what she wants." I think Batman's schizophrenic.

Sometimes, I LOVE a good noir line. Occasionally, while reading Ghost, Mike would say something completely badass and gritty, and I would start kinda sorta enjoying the book. Of course, then he would completely turn around my goodwill by fucking an underage girl or engaging in graphic S&M. Anyway, here's a line I particularly enjoyed from Batman: "And she's dead right to say I'm half crazy. But only half. The other half is doing just fine." Oh Batman. I wish I could quit you.

Meanwhile, Robin's head is floating in the darkness and wondering how long he's been locked in the batcave. Oh right, last time we left Robin he was holding an axe. When I heard that Batman forced Robin to eat rats, I thought that maybe Batman locked him in the batcave and suggested he eat rats, but Robin wouldn't actually do it. Since we had that part, I thought the grossness involving rats and bats was over. But no, Robin just ate a raw rat. This is the trouble with reading stories that you enjoy for the noirishness but despise at other times: EVERY TIME I get some goodwill, like I just did at Batman's awesome line, that gets turned around completely by something disgusting. So thanks, Frank.

Anyway, Batman brings back Jocko and tells Robin the murderer's fate is in his hands. Is he an avenger, or a detective? Are there any other choices? Can I phone a friend?

The effect of Robin standing with the axe is somewhat lessened by the furry buttons on his pajamas.

Avenger or detective. Why are those two mutually exclusive?

Robin drops the axe beside Jocko's head, clipping his face. Robin flips out and kicks the dude. Batman is excited.

You know, the only sympathetic character in this whole comic is Alfred, but he doesn't show up nearly enough to dilute Batman's insanity. Robin was, until he flipped out on this guy. Black Canary might be, but she hasn't had any character development thus far. Same with Vicki.

Last page is a picture of the Joker, so stay tuned. That's the end of issue 7.

I'm The Goddamn Batman Issue #6

Cover: Batman, Black Canary, and Batgirl (?) standing on top of a gargoyle or something. One of Black Canary's boobs seems larger than the other. She should get this checked out.
Alternate cover:

Dear God, that boob is not normal.

So we've got some noirish text from Batman, finding joy in beating up those rapists from the previous issue.

Frank needs to learn that there's gritty and then there WTFWHATISTHIS? Gritty= The Maltese Falcon or The Big Sleep. WTFWHATISTHIS= ASBAR.

Black Canary, afflicted by a sad case of cankles, comes out of nowhere on her Harley, pissing off Batman, who thinks she's an amateur.

Three hours ago. Commissioner Gordon is talking on the phone while Barbara Gordon impersonates a demon.

I'm not too sure what's going on in that text box. I'm assuming the blacked out word is "shit", but then it reads "bullshitinging" and if you ignore the blacked out part it's "bullinging." Whatever, I'm not going to ask questions. Oh, in the next panel it says "bull[blacked out part] ing." So I guess it's just a typo.

Gordon keeps referring to Batman as "the goddamn Batman" as if that's his new title. Gordon is talking to one of his friends, ignoring his alcoholic wife in the background. He doesn't care that Batman beats up cops (apparently Gordon took a bat (hee) to one of them himself). He's worried about what Batman has become. He's an urban legend, inspiring copycats. Some of which are young enough to be his daughter. Foreshadowing ahoy!

Barbara's waist is like 15 inches as compared to hips that are like 30 inches. She's like Barbie. Ew, Frank. She's fifteen.

So, this will come as a surprise to no one reading the comic so far, but Barbara Gordon is Batgirl. I'm not sure why Frank keeps feeling the need to black out the word "shit". They've already used a few swears, plus the comic features Batman kidnapping Robin and graphically beating people up, so I'm not sure what Frank thinks he's protecting us from.

So did Barbara get this costume specially made, or...?

Five hours ago. Jimmy Olsen, age 16, is running through the hospital with a bouquet of flowers. Wait, what? He's a reporter for the Gotham Gazette? But...but...he's from Superman's universe! Anyway, Vicki summoned him and Jimmy's pumped because she's "only the most gorgeous babe in journalism on the whole planet." Yeah, whatever. Sleep with one eye open, Vicki. Jimmy brought flowers for Vicki but immediately feels insecure because someone else (Batman) got her way more flowers.

Vicki had phoned Jimmy to get all the information he could on the Flying Graysons. Vicki gets a note from Bruce saying something like, "Sorry about Alfred's driving. Get well soon. The world is a darker place without you." Um, wasn't it VICKI who was driving? She shoved him out of the way and hijacked the limo. I'm really uneasy that I can't remember the car accident. It's like this big blank in my brain, like I blacked out while I was reading.



Black Canary is talking to two thugs, one of which looks like Mr. T's younger, scarier, brother. She's going on about something or other that I can't understand, and one of the thugs is mad because she sounds like a leprechaun. The thugs are thinking they'll just kill her. One calls her love chunks, which is apparently the universal term of endearment among Gotham's less fortunate set. Anyhoo, this is Black Canary's berserk button and she busts out some nunchuks and starts laying the smack down.



So, Black Canary is somewhat of a Robin hood figure, as far as I can tell. She steals the thugs' money and plans to give it to her friend. Her motivations are still unclear. Does SHE need the money? Does she just enjoy it? What's with her Batman fixation?



Back to Batman. He's planning on killing Jocko, the dude who killed Robin's parents. Batman gave him some snake poison when he was beating him up before, which is causing some pretty insane hallucinations. Another maniacal laugh from Batman, and he jumps down and smashes the windshield on the cop car where Jocko is.



Meanwhile, Black Canary is getting chased by some other thugs and then Batman appears and very politely asks her to stand back while he beats up the thugs. The politeness is really jarring, considering just before he was ruthlessly beating up a cop and a thug.



I thought the whole "goddamn Batman" thing only appeared once in this comic, but no. Apparently EVERYONE refers to him as that, including Black Canary.



That's the end of issue 6. Nothing much happened.






I'm not sure why this ad was in the back of the comic, but it's AWESOME. I love Daleks. They strike me as pompous little men who have a bloated sense of their own importance. My favourite Dalek moment is when they were fighting the Cybermen, and one of the Cybermen is like, "You will fight 6 million Cybermen with three Daleks?" and a Dalek was like, "No, we will fight 6 million Cybermen with ONE Dalek!"

I'm the Goddamn Batman Issue #5

Update: FIXED THE SPACE, GUYS. Woo hoo!

Cover: Closeup of what appears to be Wonder Woman's ass.

Alternate cover: A bloodlust-crazed Batman punching air. Or something.

A really, really scary Wonder Woman is walking down the streets of Metropolis and basically saying that she despises men. A drunk hobo asks her to marry him.

Fact: high heels make the sound "tank".

Wonder Woman hates Batman, which seems to be a theme in this series. I think she's planning on killing him. Maybe all of Batman's problems would be solved if he could just find someone to love him.

The Green Lantern's here. I just got really excited because I loved him on Smallville but then I realized that the Green Arrow was on Smallville. Dammit. I think they really should have picked names that differ more, to avoid confusing morons like me.

So anyway, Superman, Wonder Woman, and the Green Lantern are talking about doing something about Batman because his methods are making all the superheroes look bad. Wonder Woman has a shitfit because Superman wants to bring him in to the authorities, but she just wants to kill him. Green Lantern is just kind of hanging out in the background in a macho pose. You know what I love? That his ring is powerless against anything yellow. That's the most random thing ever.

Wonder Woman wants to hunt down Batman and cut off his head and put it on a stick and present it the authorities. This strikes me as extreme.

Superman has a shitfit and yells at Wonder Woman. Green Lantern is still hanging out in the background, doing nothing. So he's like Aquaman now? Side note: Aquaman as envisioned by Smallville is a complete tool. He strikes me as the bruiser type with no brains. I'm not sure that's what they wanted.

I have no idea what this thing is, but it's talking.

Superman's like, "IMMA FIRIN MAH LAZOR" and his eyes go all red and Wonder Woman spits in disgust. And then...they make out? I can honestly say that I was not expecting that, and I'm pretty good with figuring out sexual tension.

Seriously, what is that thing?

Green Lantern is still doing nothing.

Cut to Batman laughing maniacally AGAIN in his Batmobile. There's a closeup upside down shot of his face, and I was so confused for a second. I thought the mask was covering his chin and his nose suddenly had stubble on it. Batman states that he loves "being the goddamn Batman."

I have to say, the art, especially as it pertains to Batman himself, is certainly very striking.

So, his cape is like fifteen feet long?

Batman cavalierly goes and beats up some rapists and while I advocate the beating up of rapists, he seems to enjoy it way too much. Also, beating them up won't keep them off the streets, Batman. This seems like a short term solution.

One of the rapists appears to have fangs.

That would be the potential rape victim, who appears to be getting way too much glee out of watching her rapists get mutilated. I can understand, I mean, rapists certainly aren't warm and cuddly. But I think I would be freaking out at the attack and would probably be pretty terrified of Batman. Here she looks like what I imagine Karla Homolka would look like during her attacks.

Ooh, and then she stomps on one of the guys' crotches with her heel.

Little did she know that one of the rapists was a zombie and before she could stop it, she was transforming.

"The wind goes berserk. Electricity tingles my skin and rattles my whiskers."

Batman was good until he said "whiskers." Now I just think of him as an anthropomorphic dog or an old grandpa.

So Batman's cape actually allows him to fly? I don't understand. In some panels he appears to have a normal cape, but in others the cape is split like wings. Somehow this seems aerodynamically improbable.

Cut to a strangely Edward Norton looking Alfred boxing. I guess that explains the muscle thing.

Heh. That's what she said. Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Now, the All-Star imprint is free from the DC canon, which means Frank Miller can change details of Batman's life. Christopher Nolan chose to have Bruce's parents being murdered after an opera. Frank chooses to have them killed after a cheap showing of Zorro at a sketchy theatre. I'm not judging, just saying.

This panel scares me. I only know Alfred as played in Batman and Robin (the actor there also played the Well-Manicured Man on The X-Files*) and as played by Michael Caine. This is...not what I'm used to.

A somewhat relieving (not the right word) point: Robin's pajamas were just put on over his tights. His pajamas have big fuzzy balls on them and what appears to be the Gryffindor crest on the chest. He picks up an axe with a somewhat psychotic look on his face, and that's the end of issue five.

*Note: I'm actually totally wrong about this. I just had my mind BLOWN because ever since I started watching The X-Files the summer of 2005, I was sure that the WMM was the guy who played Alfred in Batman and Robin but I just looked it up and am totally mistaken. For some reason though, the WMM looks so familiar to me, but I have no idea where I've seen him before.

I'm The Goddamn Batman Issue #4

I have to say, this is the only recap of anything I've done where I actually looked forward to it. All the other ones have offended me deeply (cough TWILIGHT cough, and also Ghost) or else have just been so crappy (cough TROLL 2 cough) it was boring to get into. ASBAR is the perfect blend of suck, wtf, and entertainment. So kudos (I guess?) to Frank for that.

That said, this comic is bleeding into other aspects of my life. For example, I have a Batman placemat and now whenever I look at it I get this mild feeling of disgust in my stomach because it makes me think about Batman kidnapping little boys and making them eat rats. I hope this feeling will go away, otherwise I'm going to have to pick a new favourite superhero. Deadpool is probably the strongest contender.

I feel like I should put in a little sidebar about Ghost, since I mentioned it (and probably will again) so often. The review that started the John Ringo meme is here: http://hradzka.livejournal.com/194753.html. The review is a pretty entertaining read. I recapped Ghost for this blog awhile ago, and it remains the only one I couldn't finish. And I did all Twilight books AND The Host TWICE for this blog. Anyhoo, the review explains it better but basically the main character (Mike) is an ex-SEAL and his thing is that he treats women like sexual objects and has no problem with fucking underage girls and abused girls and regularly reflects on what an asshole he is, but does nothing to change his behaviour. This is a cheap copout because this way some people are forced into thinking Mike isn't a complete dickhead because he KNOWS what he's doing is wrong but no, he actually is a complete dickhead. I'm getting strong Mike vibes from Batman.

So for whatever reason, today's cover has Batman and Robin standing in the foreground with Alfred standing stoically a little behind them. There is a plane flying in the air and an inexplicable T-rex roaring in the background. I don't really know why.

So Vicki somehow ended up getting medical attention. I believe the last time we saw her she was swooning in Alfred's arms, but beyond that we didn't really know her fate. She starts flatlining. I'm still not actually clear what happened to her. Whether this is my fault or Frank's, I don't know. Like I said before, I'm too lazy to check.

So, not many images make me visibly reel, but this one sure did:

Look at that. LOOK AT THAT. WTF IS WRONG WITH BATMAN? HE LOOKS LIKE SOME KIND OF SERIAL KILLER ALS;KDFHASKDJHFSDF.

Fact: When you put on a mask, your pupils disappear.

I guess Robin's in shock, but he still doesn't seem too worried that he's been kidnapped by a crazy vigilante.

We learn from Batman's internal monologue that he's had his eye on Robin for months. Innocuous...or CREEPY? So many questions are left unanswered like, why exactly does Batman think he needs a sidekick? In ASBAR, Batman seems like the kind of dude who would rather bite off his own arm than ask for help, especially from a prepubescent circus performer, you know? It just seems so strange. I also find it strange that Batman kidnaps this kid with no explanation and then later forces him to wear a primary coloured uniform and fight crime. Is Batman acting out strange fantasies? The questions continue.

Frank Miller wrote Dark Knight Returns, which is widely held to be a comics masterpiece. So why does ASBAR have a strong stench of fanfiction? Maybe Frank's some kind of master of parody, but I just don't get it.

Meanwhile, Robin has found Batman's secret stash of Spice.

Oh hey, the T-rex lives in the batcave. Okay. The text boxes also inexplicably got really really small.

Batman, why are you so GODDAMN SCARY?

So you can't really see, but in this one Batman says something like, "Whatta ya say, Junior? Is this cool or what?" and Robin's like "..." and then he's like, "I guess it's okay, I've seen better" and Batman's internal monologue is like, "I don't think I like this kid. Not one bit."

I'm not a psychologist, but here are some troubling signs from Batman:

1. He inexplicably kidnaps a young boy and takes him to his home. This is clearly criminal behaviour.

2. He is briefly disgusted with his behaviour, but then thinks that he's doing the right thing. You know where else I saw the same behaviour from a lead male character? JOHN RINGO'S GHOST.

3. He displays elements of bipolar disorder. Sometimes he's a scary-ass mofo and then he inexplicably softens towards Robin and then back again.

4. He seems to crave approval and compliments from Robin, and gets angry when Robin doesn't oblige him. This is adolescent behaviour, troubling in an adult.

5. He seems to show no concern at all for his missing butler or date.

6. He seems very narcissistic.

Moving on.

I want an explanation for that T-rex.

So Vicki's not dead and Alfred is in the hospital. His care consists of band-aids stuck haphazardly to his face. There's a shot of someone being brought in on a gurney and I honestly thought it was a bear, like perhaps the shooter at the circus went and attacked the animals. But no, it's a person.

Why does Frank feel the need to reintroduce everyone a million times? We've seen "Dick Grayson. Aerialist. Age twelve" like 38 times, we've been told that Vicki Vale is a columnist at least three times, and now we're being introduced to Alfred for the second time. Despite the fact that anyone reading this comic is probably already a fan of Batman and already knows who Alfred is.

Batman is apparently a fan of Bach. I would have pegged him for a Beethoven fan.

Oh wait, Batman is actually showing concern (kinda) for someone other than himself. He tells Alfred to get in some doctor from Paris, despite the fact that Paris is about an eight hour flight. I know, I've been there.

"Mom. Dad. Their brains splashed all over my feet. (No, don't go there. Not now.)"

I could be wrong about this, but I don't think it's right to put monologue in parantheses.

Batman tells Alfred to call "that clown, Kent" in Metropolis, and Robin queries "What clown from Metropolis?" Take a wild guess, Robin.

So more internal monologue from Batman, which reveals that he knows that Clark Kent is Superman but Clark doesn't know that Bruce Wayne is Batman, and then Batman insults Superman's intelligence. Superman is apparently part Jesus, as he is suddenly walking on water with what appears to be the Titanic in the background.

Does young Bruce Wayne here not resemble a male Sumara from The Ring?

Anyway, Robin asked for a new outfit because his tights "blow chunks." I'm with him there. I wouldn't want to wear spandex 24/7.

Batman goes off to get Robin some new clothes, and I'm a little frightened as to what he'll bring back. Robin is essentially held hostage in the batcave.

Let's talk about capes for a second: Do they serve any purpose? They could get caught on stuff or villains could grab them so the heroes couldn't escape, the list goes on.

I'm going to be honest here: I couldn't stop staring at this picture for the longest time. It's mesmerizing in the way that Body Rock is mesmerizing: It's so wtf that I CAN'T LOOK AWAY.

Meanwhile, Superman is running on water towards the Titanic with a car over his head. Where did the car come from in the ocean? I don't know. I don't ask.

Up till now, I had no trouble keeping up in this issue. But now Batman is in a random building, talking to random people about some random trial, and I really don't know what's happening.

Fact: "Crunch" is now spelled with a "K".

Remember when I said I was scared of what Batman would bring back for Robin? It's because someone dressed him in silk pajamas while he was sleeping. Undressed him. While he was sleeping. And put him in SILK PAJAMAS. This is so sketchy, I cannot even tell you.

Alfred brings a burger and fries for Robin and Batman flips out because he thinks Robin should have to eat rats. Alfred, in a pretty badass move considering he's pissing off friggin BATMAN stands up to him and says that he's not Batman's slave.

Where exactly is Gotham City that hoards of bats randomly fly around in flocks?

That's the end of issue #4. You know, despite the things I've heard, it's not godawful. It's nowhere near the awfulness of say, Troll 2. And God knows I don't want to ENDORSE this comic because it's batshit, but, dare I say it, I'm kind of enjoying the WTFery. I'm not sure what this says about me.

I'm The Goddamn Batman Vol. 3

Yay you guys, I think Catwoman shows up in this one! At least I think it might be Catwoman on the cover. Could just be a random dominatrix. It's hard to tell.

We start off in a flashback six months ago. There's some noirish narration about a bar. Oddly, it looks a little like Roblin bar. Mild detour: Roblin bar was my first bar experience. The town has about 1500 people. I went there with my friend Maria at 11:00 and there was no one there. People didn't start arriving until about 11:30. Everyone there (at least until about 12:30, which is when we left) was over the age of 35. The bartender looked like he was extremely unhappy to be there. Interestingly enough, Roblin bar gets in strippers on Thursdays, and the stage for them is about two feet by four feet. Classy place, Roblin. Anyway, back to the story.

So we get descriptions of people hanging around in the seedy part of town and then it says "And then there's the predators" helpfully pointing to two sketchy looking characters. One looks like Shaq circa Kazaam and the other looks somewhat like if The Dude became a pirate.

Catwoman, for some reason, is tending bar. Someone blurts out the classy pickup line, "Remember me? We met in my dreams." This is second only to the real life pickup line "I want to share your cold."

Is anyone wondering why the bartender is wearing a leather leotard and a mask?

Throughout this whole bar scene, there are little bubbles with names that people are calling her. My personal favourites are "sugar cheeks" and "love chunks."

Here's another good pickup line: "Are you from Tennessee? Cuz you're the only ten I see." Guys, take note: this is how you get a girl.

I'm going to be really embarrassed if this isn't Catwoman at all but like, Batgirl or something, but I'm going to keep calling her Catwoman. Anyway, Shaq cops a feel and Catwoman kicks him in the face. Actually, I just realized she kicked BOTH the predators in the face at the same time. I'm impressed.

This is like five pages of insane filler. I think most of this bar stuff could be cut with no consequence to the story.

According to the cover, this is still in the ASBAR series, but it's really random, like I suddenly went to a different universe or something. I know this recap seems really disjointed but really, it's because absolutely nothing is happening.

One of the guys, apparently too drunk to use too many syllables, reverts to just referring to her as "Chunks." Calling a woman a name very close to a fat, dumb dude from the Goonies isn't going to win any points.

Ooh, crotch shot.

So, is this whole issue going to be filler or...? I'm almost wishing for the weird sexual subtext of Batman and Robin's scenes, just so I can have something to talk about.

So some guy (Liam), the boss I'm assuming, comes in and his reaction is kind of underwhelming, considering his bartender just knocked all the patrons of the bar unconscious.

"What the hell are you doing darling? What the hell are you doing?" "I'm robbing these poor souls blind, Liam. And while I'm at it, I'm tendering my resignation."
Well, you have to admire her for not trying to deny anything.

So for some reason or other, the reason Catwoman just went and beat up the whole bar is because she was thinking of Batman. I have no idea why or how, because he hasn't shown up. Did she just start thinking about him randomly? Because...that's kind of weird.

Also: sweet chunks=terrible, terrible term of endearment.

Catwoman steals a motorcycle and goes roaring off into the night. Someone really needs to help her, because it appears that she just had a psychotic break.

Here's something my friend just brought up: Why is Bruce Wayne clean shaven but Batman has a five o'clock shadow? I know that while reading fiction you always have to suspend your disbelief to a certain extent, but this is stretching my capabilities a little.

Back to Batman in the present now. They're still flying around in the Batmobile and Batman still looks like Satan, and he's still hammering it into our heads that Dick Grayson is 12 years old and an aerialist. Apparently, Robin is also super smart and got a black belt before the age of nine.

Also, Robin is, surprisingly, a deadpan snarker.
"Um, excuse me? We're going straight down. I mean, like we're aimed right at the ground. Like instant death."
Dare I say it? I think I'm warming up to the little guy.



The Batmobile goes underwater and Robin says it "cuts the water like a knife." Um, what doesn't?



Metropolis, 15 hours ago. Superman, looking almost like he was drawn by Rob Liefeld, angrily crushes a milk carton bearing Robin's picture. I thought Superman was supposed to be good-natured all the time. In one panel he looks almost as frightening as Batman.


Okay, MORE frightening.


His eyes are glowing here because he just used his laser vision or whatever to ignite a newspaper with the headline "Batnapping." So, does Superman really hate Batman or something? He seems overly angry.



Wtf? That's it? There was nothing happening in this issue AT ALL.


Edit: I'm so stupid, you guys. That wasn't Catwoman. That was Black Canary. Like I said, I don't know much about comic mythos. And you're probably thinking, "Well then, why are you recapping a comic series?" I may not know comics history, but I know good fiction. And this isn't it.

I'm The Goddamn Batman Issue #2

Turns out my class is cancelled today so I thought I would eschew actually doing my assignments or tracking down my last book and read ASBAR.

The cover of issue 2 is very disconcerting. Batman is standing, all stoic in the rain, and Robin is grovelling in the mud. So in one cover we have subtext of both pederasty and domination in a franchise most commonly known (pre-Christopher Nolan) for charming campiness. I have the same pervasive feeling of unease and mild disgust that I had while reading Ghost by John Ringo, but I'll keep trucking.

Mild detour: why is it a prerequisite for superhero costumes to be all spandex and wearing your underwear over tights? I think we can safely say that Superman started that trend, but I'm pretty sure that someone should end it. Did no superhero look in the mirror and go, "You know what? I look silly. I'm just going to wear jeans and a t-shirt and a mask."

Batman goes on a fauxlosophic narration about Gotham, somehow comparing it to Lenore of "The Raven" fame and then straight out non-sequiturs "I just kidnapped a traumatized young boy." And...this seems okay to you, Batman? I know Batman's thing is that he's a little morally ambiguous, but COME ON.

"Dick Grayson. Aerialist. Twelve years old. Brave boy. Damn strong. Not that he has a prayer of escaping my grip. But he's strong. Very promising. He just might do. He just might."

I'm pretty sure that Batman is thinking about grooming him to be a sidekick, but does it not sound like he's wondering about Robin's ability to stand up to some intense S&M? BRAIN BLEACH. Rule 34 states that there is probably fanfic exploring that very possibility, but I'm too scared to check.

So let's think about this for a second. Batman has been thinking that he needs a sidekick, so he kidnaps a boy whose parents just died? A TWELVE YEAR OLD BOY whose parents just died. So I'm to assume that Batman picked him for the distinct possibility that a) Since he's so young, he'll be easy to train and b) Since he's traumatized, he'll latch onto anybody who shows an interest. Batman is looking for someone who is mentally malleable and who will be attached/loyal to him.

I feel uncomfortable.

Cut to Alfred bandaging Vicki's wounds. Alfred is surprisingly ripped. Apparently he was also in the army or something. You know, why hasn't there been a spinoff about Alfred's youth? I would definitely read that.

Oh come on, Frank Miller. Alfred is never involved in the strenuous Batman stuff, so how on Earth does he have Schwarzeneggerian muscles? Side note: My spellcheck recognizes the word Schwarzeneggerian. This makes me happy.

Wait, what? Alfred and Vicki got in a car accident, but I don't remember this happening. Did it happen last issue? I'm too lazy to check. Maybe the bats did it.

Everyone refers to Robin as "Dick Grayson, age 12." Why? What earthly reason is there to do that? Who cares about his age?

Question: Why did Dick Grayson change his name to Robin? Can someone answer that for me?

"Someone murdered his parents right before his eyes. Brutally. It was brutal. Brutal!" Frank Miller really does repeat things repeatedly. Hey, there's more. "It was brutal. Brutal! It was brutal!" Brutal doesn't look like a word anymore.

There's a funny panel that makes it look like Alfred and Vicki are naked. Again, there's probably fanfic for this but I'm too scared to check.










It's possible that this is my favourite panel of the whole thing thus far. What's with the closeup of the noses? Who knows. Also, doesn't Alfred look like one of those stereotypical melodramatic villains who tie the heroine to railroad tracks?


Batman definitely just tossed Robin into the Batmobile. I'm not getting Batman's methods here. I guess it's like EXTREME tough love and I guess he's trying to toughen Robin up but I'm pretty sure that actually being conscious of Robin's feelings would be the better way to go.


Remember when I said that I couldn't find cartoons attractive? Scratch that. I'm weirdly attracted to Alfred here. I think he's going to emerge as the dark horse favourite.

Also: How is Vicki's dress staying up? That's some industrial strength boob tape right there.






Bats apparently go "skee." I actually just looked up a Youtube video to see if they actually went "skee" and...they don't really. I would think it was more of a "mee-ee-ee-ee" sound, but I really admire Frank's attempts to put sounds into writing. My favourite parts of comic books are looking at the strange sound effects.

So Batman gasses Robin and then is surprised to realize that Robin isn't knocked out. Robin asks who he is, and Batman tells him to sleep and then says some really not reassuring stuff like, "the world when you wake won't be better than the world you know now" and "you poor bastard." I was sure it was going to be my favourite panel coming up but sadly, that is not to be.

"Damn! Maniac!" What's with! Random! Insertion of! Punctation!" I guess this person (who is swearing at Batman for driving like a lunatic) could be swearing "Damn!" as he has to swerve and then calling Batman a maniac, but this seems kind of stilted. I read it as "Damn maniac!" but if this is the case then Frank Miller doesn't understand the concept of exclamation marks.

So on the next page, the lighting takes on a strange reddish glow, which makes sense because Batman looks a little like Satan. He says he's going to put Robin through holy hell and then ominously says, "Sleep tight, my little ward." Must...push...bad...thoughts....out of....head. Then Robin says something hilarious. He realizes that this isn't Batman's real voice, and it's like he's doing "some lameass Clint Eastwood impersonation." I laughed because really, isn't that what Christian Bale does when he puts on his Batman voice? It's like he's trying to be Clint Eastwood and failing.

Someone who knows more about comics than I do: Is it canon that Bruce Wayne and Batman have different voices? It makes sense, but it seems to me that he's the first superhero to think of it.


My primitive MS paint technology here is too small for you to read, but Robin goes, "What the hell's a ward?" and Batman's goes "..." and then "Shut up. I'll do the talking." My question here is, is it necessary for Batman to even HAVE a speech bubble in the second panel? Speech bubbles are for speech, and I'm sure we would be able to figure out that Batman was pausing with just a plain beat panel there. Having the speech bubble in that panel is weird, and my mind keeps thinking that Batman's saying something, just something I can't comprehend. Like it's in African clicking language or something.


The nose panel was pretty good, but this next one's even better. This is the stuff that memes are made of, ladies and gentlemen:


I wish I knew whether or not Frank Miller was joking. I want to know whether I should laugh or just sit in stunned silence.







Batman: I'm gonna be the best friend you could ever hope for, and the worst enemy you could ever imagine.
Robin: Sure man, whatever.

Robin's reply is hilariously laid-back, like he suddenly switched places with the Dude.

Batman says that he needs Robin to be scared, and proceeds to do some insane driving and manages to drive a bunch of cops off the road.

I need you guys to see this panel. I need you to be as scared as I am right now:




Why does Batman look like the Joker? Or maybe the Riddler, as in the next panel Batman's laughing like a maniac.




Robin goes "hukk hukk" and I'm not exactly sure what this is supposed to signify.


The Batmobile flies above the clouds and Robin freaks out about his parents. Batman proceeds to give him a slap upside the head, or as we call it in my family, a hufflit. (That's an actual word. We learned it while playing Balderdash.) Robin is going to need so much therapy later on.

Batman begins to have doubts about being a total dickhead but then thinks that he can't let Robin grieve and he's doing the right thing. Batman also might need therapy. Robin begins to feel sorry for Batman because he realizes he's lonely. Pretty sure that being lonely is not license to kidnap a young boy and abuse him.

The scenes with Batman softening towards Robin and Robin relating to Batman are weird. They have the sexual tension subtext, only this is between a man and a 12 year old boy.

Robin agrees to join Batman's crusade and that's the end of issue 2.

So here we have OOC Batman, weird pedophilish sexual tension, and a strangely attractive Alfred. It's like we've entered the Twilight Zone.