Breaking Dawn Chapters 37 and 38

Chapter 37- Contrivances

Oh, there could not be a more appropriate chapter title to convey Smeyer's writing style than this.

"How can you abide this infamy? Why do we stand here impotently in the face of
such an outrageous crime, covered by such a ridiculous deception?"

Infamy:

1.	extremely bad reputation, public reproach, or strong condemnation as the result of a shameful, criminal, or outrageous act: a time that will live in infamy.

2.	infamous character or conduct.

3.	an infamous act or circumstance.

4.	Law. loss of rights, incurred by conviction of an infamous offense.

None of that is right. She could be referring to the fourth definition, but she forgot about the last part. The Volturi lost their rights as the ruling vampire family, but not as a result of a conviction.

"You breed mutants here," Caius spit back at him.
Wrong universe, buddy. X-Men is over in Marvel.

Edward's jaw clenched and unclenched, then he answered evenly, "They aren't
even werewolves. Aro can tell you all about it if you don't believe me."
Not werewolves? I shot a mystified look at Jacob. He lifted his huge shoulders
and let them drop – a shrug. He didn't know what Edward was talking about, either.
Duh. They don't change at the full moon.

"It's genetic – they do not continue their species by infecting others the way true werewolves do."
Oh, fuck you Smeyer. You really don't know anything about the supernatural, do you? The infecting other people thing is solely a product of Hollywood. Werewolves become werewolves as the result of a curse, wearing a wolfskin belt, drinking water from the footprint of a wolf, being the seventh son, etc.

Whoa. We have the first on screen (on page?) death in the Twilightverse, ladies and gentlemen! Irina was just killed for making false accusations. Caius burned her with his hands.

Tanya and Kate freak out, Garrett restrains Kate (I LOVE THEM BOTH).

I heard Stefan and Vladimir murmur to each other in quiet glee at Aro's discomfort.
I love those two.

Aro touched Caius's shoulder lightly. "Irina has been punished for bearing false
witness against this child."
WHO TALKS LIKE THAT? "Bearing false witness" is straight from the Bible.

Aro questions people, it's boring.

Garrett makes a speech that basically says the Cullens have found the importance of family and love and blah blah blah LIKING HIM LESS, UP THE AWESOMENESS, GARRETT. Okay, now he's basically saying Aro is a hypocritical and manipulative asshole. My love has not diminished.

Aro smiled. "A very pretty speech, my revolutionary friend."
Garrett remained poised for attack. "Revolutionary?" he growled. "Who am I revolting
against, might I ask? Are you my king? Do you wish me to call youmaster,
too, like your sycophantic guard?"
I love him again.

"Are those our only choices?" she asked suddenly, gaze flashing back to Aro.
This just reminds me of Chicken Run. "Are there any other choices?" I love that movie.

Some random vampires named Charles and Makenna showed up and I don't think we've ever heard of them before.

Aro turned his back to us again, facing the other ancients. They joined hands to
form a black-shrouded triangle.
"Power of friendship, ACTIVATE!"

Edward was watching us now, his topaz eyes wide. Jacob stared at us from the
corner of his big dark eye.
When did Jacob lose an eye?

"I love you, too," I said, and then I touched her locket. "More than my own life." I
kissed her forehead.
That doesn't mean much when you're immortal.

There's a bunch of heartwrenching moments because Bella is telling Jacob to leave with Renesmee. Gag.

A tear the size of a baseball rolled into the russet fur beneath his eye.
Yeah, I don't think that's possible.

Okay, it's hard to pick one most hilarious moment of the whole Twilight saga, but I think this is it:
Edward leaned his head against the same shoulder where he'd placed Renesmee.
"Goodbye, Jacob, my brother... my son."
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. I think this makes fun of itself. I just...no words. NO WORDS. This is so contrived. Also, if Jacob is his brother and his son, then Renesmee's marrying her uncle and that is just so wrong. Also, that means that...Edward had sex with his mother? SO WRONG. But hilarious.

Okay, second most hilarious part:
"If we live through this," Garrett whispered to Kate, "I'll follow you anywhere,
woman."
HA HA HA HA. WHO SAYS THAT? "I'll follow you anywhere, woman!" The dialogue is just so, so, so bad. What do you say to that? I think if someone said that to me I'd burst out laughing.

Chapter 38- Power

Bella still has her mind shield around everyone and Jane is attacking for...shits and giggles?

It probably wasn't very mature. But I figured it would take Aro about half a second
to guess – if he hadn't already – that my shield was more powerful than Edward
had known; I already had a big target on my forehead and there was really
no point in trying to keep the extent of what I could do a secret. So I grinned a
huge, smug smile right at Jane.
I hate smug bitches.

The Romanians started chuckling with dark anticipation.
"I told you this was our time," Vladimir said to Stefan.
"Just look at the witch's face," Stefan chortled.
I just love these two. I can't even say how much.

Can't Bella have a weakness? It would make this more interesting.

"Jane's mine," Kate hissed. "She needs a taste of her own medicine."
I love her. She's badass.

Suddenly, Edward stiffened at my side. "Yes!" he hissed.
BEST DOUBLE ENTENDRE EVER. It's like he's bored and wanking off.

"Why don't you join us, Alice?" Edward called loudly.
"Alice," Esme whispered in shock.
Alice!
Alice, Alice, Alice!
"Alice!" "Alice!" other voices murmured around me.
"Alice," Aro breathed.
I don't think you said her name enough.

Edward, despite his absorption in the coup he was directing, stiffened furiously
in response to their thoughts.
Tee hee.

Anyhoo, Alice shows up with two vampires and a vampire/human hybrid. What a convenient deus ex machina! The story about the vampire/human hybrid takes a long time to tell, when the chick could just go, "Yeah, my sister fucked a vampire and had this kid."

Also convenient: The vamp/human reached maturity (physically, a teenager) after seven years and then stopped growing, which makes no sense. If you start to age, you don't just stop. I guess Smeyer couldn't think of a less contrived way to not let Ness die.

She misspelled facade as fagade AGAIN. Once is a typo, two is just stupidity.

And just like that, the conflict is over. WOW, that was anticlimactic.

"Of all the rotten luck," Stefan muttered.
Okay, wow. He is a 1500 year old morbid vampire from Romania. He's not a ten year old boy from 1955.

Esme held Alice and Jasper in a tight embrace.
Way to be a cockblock, Esme.

Kachin stood very close to Zafrina and Senna, their fingertips interlocked.
Did she just forget that she named that vampire Kachiri? Also, they are vamp lesbians, I'm sure of it.

Garrett picked Kate up off the ground and swung her around in a circle.
Eeeeeeeeeee!

We had forever. And Nessie was going to be fine and healthy and strong. Like the
half-human Nahuel, in a hundred and fifty years she would still be young.
Convenient.

And there's just one more chapter so I may as well recap it as well.

Chapter 39- Happily Ever After

Dear God. Could it BE more cloying?

"So it was a combination of things there at the end, but what it really boiled
down to was... Bella," Edward was explaining. Our family and our two remaining
guests sat in the Cullens' great room while the forest turned black outside the tall
windows.
Of course it was.

Now we have the anime "where are they now?" cliche.
Vladimir and Stefan left after inexplicably returning to the fifties time warp.
Benjamin and Tia left to rejoin Amun and Kebi.
The Amazons left pretty soon as well, after going all "We'll be great friends!" to Nessie. Yeah right. That seems a little OOC.
The Irish left soon too.
The Denalis and Garrett left last. True to his word, he is going to follow Kate, stalker style. Oh well. I still love him.

The vamp/human and his aunt remained. Edward tells Bella that the Volturi were all scared of her and it's basically because of her that they won the non war. Emmett and Jacob are suddenly friends.

"So there are real werewolves?" I asked. "With the full moon and silver bullets
and all that?"
Jacob snorted."Real. Does that make me imaginary?"
"You know what I mean."
"Full moon, yes," Edward said. "Silver bullets, no – that was just another one of
those myths to make humans feel like they had a sporting chance. There aren't
very many of them left. Caius has had them hunted into near extinction."
Wow, Smeyer was actually right for once. The full moon is written about in lore, but the silver bullets is a product of Hollywood. I might just die of surprise.

But now that I'd had a chance to realize that she
was really home, that her defection was only a ruse because Edward had to believe
that she'd abandoned us, I was beginning to feel pretty irritated with her.
Alice had some explaining to do.
I thought that was "defecation" instead of "defection".

Bella has a shit fit because Alice left, despite the fact that it was because of Alice that Renesmee and Jacob could get away and because of Alice that they ultimately won the non-fight.

Bella is worried that the vamp/human (Nahuel) will go after Renesmee because she's the only one of his kind that isn't related to him. Wow, may to turn the pedophilia up a notch.

Also, Bella was wrong (shocker). Nahuel wasn't staring at Ness, he was staring at Bella. Because he's so fascinated that she's one of a kind and lived through the birth, duh. Nahuel believed he killed his mom and he's all sad and stuff.

I took Aro's gift from around my neck and tossed it lightly into the corner of her
room. She could play with it if she wished; she liked sparkly things.
"Oooh, shiny!"

Bella puts aside her shield altogether so that Edward can read her mind. I know this is supposed to be romantic and everything, but still...WHY WOULD YOU WANT SOMEONE READING YOUR MIND? Every time this has occurred in fiction, people are MORTIFIED that their minds are being read. This just proves that Smeyer knows nothing about teenagers, and people.

The most cloyingly saccharine line I have ever read in my life:
And then we continued blissfully into this small but perfect piece of our forever.

Okay, thoughts about the Breaking Dawn controversy. I don't think it was any worse written than any of her other books. It wasn't any less stupid than any of her books. Eclipse and New Moon filled me with more rage. But I think the fans hated it more for a few reasons:
1) It was rushed, and that shows. There are multiple spelling and grammar mistakes.
2) Bella's obsession with sex. That might be acceptable to older teenagers, but the preteens who are reading this don't want to read about Bella being horny. They want kissing and holding hands.
3) It's really long. Preteens don't want to read books this long.
4) The whole Jacob section was just boring and unnecessary.
5) It goes more into horror territory. The first book was more about forbidden love and all that, but this had blood and guts and ick. Most people read these books as an escape. No one wants to escape into a blood filled world.
6) The birthing scene. Nuff said.
7) The cheap cop out with the non battle.
8) The quasi-pedophilia makes some people uncomfortable.

Yes, the book is done! Next up, Midnight Sun.

Breaking Dawn Chapters 35 and 36

Chapter 35- Deadline

He smiled my favorite smile. "Hurry back to me."
"Always."
ARGH I NEED TO SMASH THINGS.

Something I don't think I touched on last recap but is really really hilarious in retrospect. Alice left that note in the Merchant of Venice and was all "destroy this" and then Bella threw it in the fire and Edward's all "Why did you do that?" and Bella's all, "It seemed appropriate." WHAT KIND OF PERSON SAYS THAT? Like, "oh, Alice left so I'm just going to burn this book for no apparent reason." I have no idea why Edward didn't question that.

I gave the nameJenks at the podium, and the obsequious maftre d' led me upstairs
to a small private room with a fire crackling in a stone hearth. He took the
calf-length ivory trench coat I'd worn to disguise the fact that I was wearing Alice's
idea of appropriate attire, and gasped quietly at my oyster satin cocktail
dress. I couldn't help being a little flattered; I still wasn't used to being beautiful
to everyone rather than just Edward. The mattre d' stuttered half-formed compliments
as he backed unsteadily from the room.
This isn't anything but pure wish fulfillment. This is Stephenie wishing that she suddenly got beautiful in high school. Not to mention that IT'S MAITRE D', NOT MATTRE D', YOU DUMB SHIT.

WTF? Now it says maftre d'. I really hope that's a mistake on Smeyer's part and not the e-book so I can laugh at it.

What the hell? I just imagine this guy as like, a little, fat, Poirot like man from a foreign country. He says stuff like, "Mr. Jasper" and "Mr. Edward". I'm not sure if this was her intention.

So I'm watching Gilmore Girls right now and I'm not even really paying attention. I'm reading but I don't really know what's going on and for that, I apologize.

I bowed my head again against a sudden urge to sob, clenching my teeth together.
It was better that Renesmee go on without me. But I already missed her
so much I could barely stand it.
I think they've only been in the same room like, three times.

Over her jacket I put on the black leather backpack
with the documents, the money, the clue, and my love notes for her and Jacob,
Charlie and Renee.
Wow, I have no idea what just happened. I saw "the money, the clue" and "her jacket" and read that as "Motley Crue jacket" and I was like, "whoa, when did Bella get hip?" Wow.

I have to be honest here. I have no idea what's going on.

Chapter 36- Bloodlust

Yay, the Volturi are coming. Is there going to be a big epic fight? Just you wait!

The Volturi are also extraordinarily stupid. EVERYONE is gone from Volterra...SO WHO'S STOPPING A RIVAL COVEN, SUCH AS, OH, I DON'T KNOW, VLADIMIR AND STEFAN, TO TAKE OVER VOLTERRA? Fuck. I don't even know anything about war strategy but even I know that vacating the vampire headquarters is a stupendously stupid move.

It was clear that this motley, disorganized horde – more than forty vampires altogether
– was the Volturi's own kind of witness.
It's kind of weird that I was just mentioning Motley Crue a chapter ago.

Hey, Irina's here.

I have fewer than a hundred pages. I keep repeating it to myself like a mantra so that I don't spontaneously combust. Fewer than a hundred pages. Fewer than a hundred pages...

As the pause lengthened, I heard Edward's breath speed.
Up. You heard it speed up.

Aro, Caius, and Marcus are all, "YOU HAVE BROKEN THE LAW" and Carlisle's all "No, we haven't!" This goes on for awhile.

I swear to God she uses the word "Chagrin" at least once a page.

Every secret thought, every strategy, every insight – everything Edward had
heard in the minds around him during the last month – was now Aro's. And further
back – every vision of Alice's, every quiet moment with our family, every picture
in Renesmee's head, every kiss, every touch between Edward and me... All of
that was Aro's now, too.
Aro's a dirty old man. He's basically watching vampire porn. Anyhoo, Bella is trying to expand her shield to protect Edward from Aro.

The two vampires were at his side instantaneously, looking precisely the same as
the last time I'd met them.
No shit, you dumbass. Have you forgotten that VAMPIRES DON'T AGE?

Aro paid no attention to our exchange. He leaned his head to one side, fascinated.
"I hear her strange heart," he murmured with an almost musical lilt to his
words. "I smell her strange scent." Then his hazy eyes shifted to me. "In truth,
young Bella, immortality does become you most extraordinarily," he said. "It is as
if you were designed for this life."
Wow. They all just lay on the flattery thick.

And chagrin, AGAIN. I need to do a count. She's only used it five times, but three times it was used in quick succession, so I think that's why I hold the illusion that she's used it like fifty times in the book.

FINALLY, I'm done.

Breaking Dawn Chapters 33 and 34

Okay, so I finished this yesterday but my internet went blargy as I published it so only half of it saved and by then I had lost my will to live so I decided to finish it today, in addition to today's chapters. Yay.

Chapter 33- Forgery
Charlie was quiet for so long that I wondered if he heard the strain beneath my fagade.
FACADE. Dammit, Smeyer.
"We sat still for a very long time, child," Vladimir had answered, with Stefan nodding along but not continuing Vladimir's sentences as he often did. "Contemplating our own divinity. It was a sign of our power that everything came to us. Prey, diplomats, those seeking our favor. We sat on our thrones and thought ourselves gods. We didn't notice for a long time that we were changing – almost petrifying. I suppose the Volturi did us one favor when they burned our castles. Stefan and I, at least, did not continue to petrify. Now the Volturi's eyes are filmed with dusty scum, but ours are bright. I imagine that will give us an advantage when we gouge theirs from their sockets."
Okay, I don't get this. They sat still so they started to petrify? This also reminds me of the Chick Tract where the kid learned about evolution and he's all, "I'M A GOD!" Also, I love the random non sequitur about gouging out eyes at the end. AWESOME. Other than Kate and Garrett, they're my favourite vampires. Also, while we're talking about Garrett, she describes him as having long, sandy hair, and all I can picture is Fabio, in like, one of his romance novel poses. I suppose this adds to his appeal. I actually picture him as a cross between like, Fabio and Indiana Jones with a dash of Han Solo in there. HOT.
I just nodded, cutting my eyes to Renesmee.
That is just an awkward way of putting things. I think she means like, a scene cut, but this just sounds like her eyeballs are razor sharp and she's throwing them at Renesmee to cut her.
"It's just the growth spurt," I muttered. "Hey, Sue," I called over his shoulder.
HA HA HA HA HA. He's talking to Sue Clearwater but for a second there I thought he was referring to Bella.

So anyway, Bella's going to find this J. Jenks person.
I opened my big gray umbrella– not that I cared, really, about protecting the long cashmere sweater-dress I wore.
A sweater dress? Seriously?
We faced each other for a long moment while his sharp eyes ran up and down the fitted pearl gray sheath I wore.
Wtf? I thought she was wearing a sweater dress. A sheath is completely different from a sweater dress. Does she honestly not remember writing the thing about the sweater dress?
"Is she a badge?!" "No – "
It's like she watched a bunch of retro cop movies to learn how low lifes talk.

This whole thing where Bella is talking to J. Jenks' bodyguard or whatever is really bizarre. It's like we were transported into a badly written Dashiell Hammett knockoff and is so out of tone with the rest of the novel it's just ridiculous.
I just nodded. I wasn't sure why Alice had given me the ghetto address.
Well, SOMEONE'S been reading up on their black culture.

"Two birth certificates, two passports, one driver's license," I said in a low,
strained tone.
If he noticed the change in my expression, he pretended otherwise.
"The names?"
"Jacob... Wolfe. And... Vanessa Wolfe." Nessie seemed like an okay nickname for
Vanessa. Jacob would get a kick out of the Wolfe thing.
Wow, that's original.
"Ah, Bella, you don't really have to give me the entire sum now. It's customary for you to save half to ensure delivery."
Duh. Obviously she hasn't watched many cop shows.

Chapter 34- Declared
I heard the music before I was out of the car. Edward hadn't touched his piano since the night Alice left. Now, as I shut the car door, I heard the song morph through a bridge and change into my lullaby. Edward was welcoming me home.
This bothers me so much. Despite the fact that it's overly cloying and saccharine, I DON'T REMEMBER THIS HAPPENING. I don't remember him ever writing her a song.

I would not live without Edward again; if he was leaving this world, then I would be right behind him.
Dear GOD.

Alistair left. Amun's going against everyone else.
"I do so hope Alistair was right about this," Stefan murmured to Vladimir. "No matter the outcome, word will spread. It's time our world saw the Volturi for what they've become. They'll never fall if everyone believes this nonsense about them protecting our way of life." "At least when we ruled, we were honest about what we were," Vladimir replied. Stefan nodded. "We never put on white hats and called ourselves saints."
Okay, on Stoney 321's livejournal, she said that Mormons are very smug about Catholics because they think the Pope is a like, bridge to heaven or whatever and the Mormons know that's not true. And it seems here we have our proof that Smeyer is inserting these books with Mormon dogma, whether consciously or subconsciously. There has been no evidence thus far that the Volturi wear any kind of white hats. But you know who does wear a white hat? THE POPE.

I think I've imprinted on Stefan and Vladimir. I love them SO MUCH. I almost love them more than Kate and Garrett.

Benjamin grinned and threw an impish glance toward the Romanians. "Apparently,
I'm a hot commodity. It appears I have to win the right to be free."
"This won't be the first time I've fought to keep myself from a king's rule," Garrett
said in a teasing tone. He walked over and clapped Benjamin on the back.
"Here's to freedom from oppression."
"We stand with Carlisle," Tanya said. "And we fight with him."
The Romanians' pronouncement seemed to have made the others feel the need
to declare themselves as well.

This is just so...I don't even know the word. Like...medieval. That's not the right word. I don't know the word.

"Stupid leeches," he muttered to himself when we got outside. "Think they're so
superior." He snorted.
"They'll be shocked when theinfants save their superior lives, won't they?" Edward
said.
Jake smiled and punched his shoulder. "Hell yeah, they will."
What is this? When did Jacob and Edward turn to joking banter? I don't understand.

Bella suddenly has a crisis of self confidence, which is nothing new.

Also, Renesmee has the super special Sue power of getting into anybody's minds. Wow, useful. And creepy.

Hey, I had less of the chapter to recap then I thought. Awesome.

Breaking Dawn Chapters 31 and 32

Chapter 31- Talented

I sure wonder who that refers to. HOLY CRAP. My fluorescent light is burned out and sometimes it randomly goes on and it just did.

"Come now, Edward! If I can't get a read on her, I doubt you can, either. Can you
hear her thoughts right now?"
Eleazar asked.
"No," Edward murmured. "But I've never been able to do that. Even when she
was human."
"Never?" Eleazar blinked. "Interesting. That would indicate a rather powerful latent
talent, if it was manifesting so clearly even before the transformation.
Of course she's the very bestest and most powerful of all! Goddamn Mary Sue. You know how boring this book is? It doesn't even bring out my Tourette's swearing like Eclipse did. I don't know if that's good or bad.

I frowned. "What are you talking about? How can I be ashield? What does that
even mean?" All I could picture in my head was a ridiculous medieval suit of armor.
Duh, dumbass. It means you can shield your mind from others HELLO.

"Jane tried to hurt me, but she couldn't," I said. "Edward thinks Demetri can't
find me, and that Alec can't bother me, either. Is that good?"
Well, fuck, Bella, I don't know. The psychotic vamp can't put you in pain, her brother can't erase your senses, and the creepy tracker dude can't find you BUT I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S GOOD OR NOT.

Maybe I spoke too soon earlier.

"Momma, you're special," Renesmee told me without any surprise, like she was
commenting on the color of my clothes.
Gag me.

I felt disoriented. Didn't I already know my gift? I had my super-self-control that
had allowed me to skip right over the horrifying newborn year. Vampires only
had one extra ability at most, right?
Well, not BELLA, of course!

"Can you project?" Kate asked interestedly.
"Project?" I asked.
"Push it out from yourself," Kate explained. "Shield someone besides yourself."
DUH!

I wished fervently
that I might be good at this projecting thing, too, like I was somehow mysteriously
good at all the other aspects of being a vampire.
Rub it in a little more, Bella.

There's all this vampire politics but honestly, I just woke up from a nap and I'm still kind of tired adn I don't want to explain it. But I will try. There's this vamp named Chelsea who can influence the bond between people and she is significant for reasons which I do not understand. Aro is coming to see the Cullens and he's bringing everyone because he wants to acquire vampires with special gifts. Alice, in particular. Which is why she left. Aro also wants Edward. Remember in New Moon when Aro gave Edward a cloak and he's all, "It suits you"? Yeah, I'm pretty sure he doesn't want Edward for his mind reading capabilities.

That was an extraordinarily boring chapter.

Chapter 32- Company

Peter and Charlotte are here now. They're friends of Jasper's, I believe.

I'm still confused as to why Jacob, Leah, and Seth are on good terms with Sam's werewolves.

Okay, now a shitload of random vampires are arriving and I'm lazy so I'm just going to steal Cleolinda's intro of them.

Peter and Charlotte: Jasper's friends. Nomads? Don't hear much about them.

The Irish clan: Carlisle's friends. Siobhan can will things, like goals or events, to happen. I mean, maybe not immediately, because that would be too helpful. But, you know. Eventually. Her partner Liam is "territorial." This is apparently a power. Their other companion, little Maggie, always knows when she's being lied to, which immediately gets any doubt about Renesmee out of the way. Convenient!

The Egyptian vampires: Amun is a cranky bastard who apparently has the power of being an unhelpful jerk. His mate Kebi has the power of... being his mate. Cute young (but not too young) Benjamin can actually control physical elements, like Captain Planet or something, I don't know. He also has the power of never taking any shit from Amun, no matter how bad Amun wants to boss him around or weaponize his elemental powers. Benjamin also has a mate named Tia, but if she has a power, I don't know about it.

Garrett: Emmett's friend. (Okay, Bella says "Emmett and Rosalie's," but I'm sorry, this is totally the kind of guy Emmett would hang with.) A hot adventuresome nomad vampire; sadly, he has no gifts... except the gift of being awesome. You'll be seeing more of him.

Mary and Randall: Not interesting enough to get more than "they were nomads, and they decided to hang around."

Alistair: Another grumpy bastard, this time British, who prefers sulking in the Cullens' attic to socializing. Powers: tracking; wimping out on friends.

The Amazons: Sent by Alice, so at least she's working towards getting her awesome right. I would like to say that Zafrina is totally fierce, because she is, except that I mean in more of the "righteous chick I look up to" way, and I think Stephenie Meyer may mean it more in the "exotic Amazon heathen, let's stare at her" kind of way. I hope not. Zafrina and Senna are "like two limbs of one organism," and I don't know that we get any evidence as to what Senna's gender is, although Senna being "a mirror image" suggests female. Interesting. Anyway, Zafrina can make you see anything she wants you to see--literally, the power of illusion. Renesmee instantly takes a shine to Zafrina (MOAR PRETTY PICTURES, basically). Also, Kachiri is out there somewhere, but s/he's not here yet.

The Romanians: Vladimir and Stefan, who weren't actually invited, but are really, creepily eager to see someone take the Volturi down. Apparently their grudges go back 1500 years? Damn. Jacob calls them "Dracula 1 and Dracula 2." Man, it's good to love Jacob again after the four-hundred-page aneurysm that was Eclipse.

Back to me now. And Garrett totally is awesome.

Amun stayed, but continued to refuse to touch Renesmee, and would not allow his mate,
Kebi, to touch her, either. It seemed an unlikely grouping – though the Egyptians
all looked so alike, with their midnight hair and olive-toned pallor, that they easily
could have passed for a biological family. Amun was the senior member and
the outspoken leader. Kebi never strayed farther away from Amun than his
shadow, and I never heard her speak a single word.
Well DUH. Can't have a woman being insubordinate to her man now, can you?

"Carlisle," the taller of the two very tall feline women greeted him when they arrived.
Both of them seemed as if they'd been stretched – long arms and legs, long
fingers, long black braids, and long faces with long noses. They wore nothing but
animal skins – hide vests and tight-fitting pants that laced on the sides with
leather ties. It wasn't just their eccentric clothes that made them seem wild but
everything about them, from their restless crimson eyes to their sudden, darting
movements. I'd never met any vampires less civilized.
Oh for fuck sakes. I'm pretty sure that people from South America aren't animal skin wearing, tall, beautiful heathens.

"Zafrina and Senna! But Where's Kachiri?" Carlisle asked. Tve never seen you
three apart."
"Alice told us we needed to separate," Zafrina answered in the rough, deep voice
that matched her wild appearance. "It's uncomfortable to be away from each
other, but Alice assured us that you needed us here, while she very much needed
Kachiri somewhere else."
Lol it's a group of lesbians.

Edward has to teach Bella to fight but he won't because he doesn't like fighting her. Well that's just GREAT, Edward. That's REALLY going to help when THE VOLTURI ARE AFTER HER.

I knew he hoped I would find a way of contributing that satisfied me while also
keeping me out of the line of fire.
Well that sounds really patronizing.

It killed me that it was Edward who had to suffer, my arms wrapped uselessly
around him while he winced over and over from Kate's low" setting. I tried as
hard as I could to push my shield around us both; every now and then I would get
it, and then it would slip away again.
I hated this practice, and I wished that Zafrina would help instead of Kate. Then
all Edward would have to do was look at Zafrina's illusions until I could stop him
from seeing them. But Kate insisted that I needed better motivation – by which
she meant my hatred of watching Edward's pain. I was beginning to doubt her
assertion from the first day we'd met – that she wasn't sadistic about the use of
her gift. She seemed to be enjoying herself to me.
Ha ha ha ha ha. See? Kate's awesome.

Now Kate wants to electrocute Nessie to give Bella some incentive. HA HA HA HA I LOVE HER.

I would learn faster under pressure. Under pressure! David Bowie ftw.

Okay. Now comes my favourite, favourite part of the books, the only instance of harmless, amusing, non-creepy flirting, and the only part I genuinely like:
"Kate," Garrett called as the others murmured and drifted slightly away, disturbed
by the moment of blindness; vampires were not used to feeling vulnerable.
The tall, sandy-haired Garrett was the only non-gifted immortal who
seemed drawn to my practice sessions. I wondered what the lure was for the adventurer.
"I wouldn't, Garrett," Edward cautioned.
Garrett continued toward Kate despite the warning, his lips pursed in speculation.
"They say you can put a vampire flat on his back."
"Yes," she agreed. Then, with a sly smile, she wiggled her fingers playfully at him.
"Curious?"
Garrett shrugged. "That's something I've never seen. Seems like it might be a bit
of an exaggeration..."
"Maybe," Kate said, her face suddenly serious. "Maybe it only works on the weak
or the young. I'm not sure. You look strong, though. Perhaps you could withstand
my gift." She stretched her hand out to him, palm up – a clear invitation. Her lips
twitched, and I was pretty sure her grave expression was an attempt to hustle
him.
Garrett grinned at the challenge. Very confidently, he touched her palm with his
index finger.
And then, with a loud gasp, his knees buckled and he keeled over backward. His
head hit a piece of granite with a sharp cracking noise. It was shocking to watch.
My instincts recoiled against seeing an immortal incapacitated that way; it was
profoundly wrong.
"I told you so," Edward muttered.
Garrett's eyelids trembled for a few seconds, and then his eyes opened wide. He
stared up at the smirking Kate, and a wondering smile lit his face.
"Wow," he said.
"Did you enjoy that?" she asked skeptically.
"I'm not crazy," he laughed, shaking his head as he got slowly to his knees, "but
that was sure something!"
I don't know why, but I just love that part. I think because it's the only instance of a girl being stronger than a guy, and because the flirting is so adorable. There's a hilarious part involving those two, but it comes later.

Now strange vampires have shown up. I think this is Draculas 1 and 2. Yup.

The dark one grinned when I came into view. "Well, well, Carlisle. Youhave been
naughty, haven't you?"
"She's not what you think, Stefan."
"And we don't care either way," the blonde responded. "As we said before."
"Then you're welcome to observe, Vladimir, but it is definitely not our plan to
challenge the Volturi, aswe said before."
"Then we'lljust cross our fingers," Stefan began.
"And hope we get lucky," finished Vladimir.

I think I might love these two as well.

Breaking Dawn Chapters 29 and 30

Chapter 29- Defection

We sat there all night long, statues of horror and grief, and Alice never came
back.
Well that makes for very exciting reading! Also, I can't see Emmett going catatonic. He would be raring to fight.

Sam knew everything – the wolves were readying themselves
for what was coming.
HOW DOES HE KNOW? There have been other mentions of Jacob communicating telepathically with Sam. Did Smeyer just forget that SINCE JACOB LEFT THE PACK HE CAN'T HEAR THE OTHER PACK'S THOUGHTS ANYMORE? Continuity, Smeyer!

My eyes had not moved from his since Alice's departure. We'd stared at each other all
night, staring at what neither of us could live through losing: the other.
That's so creepy. Can you imagine just staring at someone for HOURS? SO WEIRD.

Alice randomly left without telling anyone where she was going or what she was doing. Okay? She just leaves a page from The Merchant of Venice. Smeyer's trying to make use believe she's smart but we know the truth. Also, I THINK this is code or something, but I'm sure the book won't make that clear.

Sam looked at Carlisle with a softer expression. "As Edward pointed out, we
don't have the same kind of freedom that you have. Renesmee is as much as part
of our family now as she is yours. Jacob cannot abandon her, and we cannot
abandon him."
I don't understand. Jacob isn't part of Sam's pack anymore. Why does Sam care so much about Renesmee and Jacob?

I hate how these vampires all lost their balls. Vampires are supposed to be fierce, tough, unfeeling, angry. And yet they're just particularly emotional humans.

There, next to the feathered edge left by the torn page, under the wordsThe Merchant
of Venice by William Shakespeare, was a note.
Destroy this.
Below that was a name and an address in Seattle.
Okay, not a code. Smeyer's not smart enough for that.

I was the only person in the world who could lie to Edward.
Was that what Alice wanted from me? Her last request?
Yes, I'm sure Alice's last request was for Bella to lie to Edward. Just for shits and giggles.

The name was J. Jenks. I don't know who this is.

Carlisle had explained the laws about immortal children to Jacob last night. "The
immortal children were really that bad?" he asked.
"You can't imagine the depth of the scars they've left in the collective vampire
psyche."
I've said this before but this is probably the only aspect of these books that I actually find intriguing.

I stroked my fingers
across the keys again. Then I drummed them very quietly on the wooden
desktop, just to make it seem random. Another stroke across the keys.
I don't get what she's doing. Rubbing the keys? People don't do this. Anyhoo, this J. Jenks person is a lawyer.

Puke inducing cuteness with Renesmee. Then the end, thank you Jesus.

Chapter 30- Irresistible

200 pages left. I'm not sure if I can last that long. The lulz have disappeared and I'm losing interest.

YAY, my lulz! So Bella goes to ask Edward questions about, you know, the vampires that are coming to KILL EVERYONE and he grabs her and kisses her and then they have sex. Yeah, okay, who cares about your lives. Just sex it up as much as you can! I'm sure everything will work out just dandifully.

There were answers I needed, and wasn't sure how much time Edward and I would have alone today.
Well, MAYBE if you weren't busy being so HORNY, you could done that yesterday without wasting so much time!

Alec, a vampire who has been mentioned a few times before is possibly Jane's brother and has the power to cut off your senses. Alec can apparently do this to anyone he wants at the same time, which would make a fight against the Volturi pretty useless. Unless...but THAT deus ex machina comes later.

Renesmee's all, "This is all my fault!"

"Edward!" a female voice enthused.
Honestly, Smeyer? Enthused? That sentence does NOT work.

The Denali clan has randomly shown up. Edward is trying to explain Renesmee to them.

"Yes," Renesmee answered in her trilling high soprano.
I shall explain what a trill is. A trill is when you switch notes very very quickly. So unless Renesmee is SINGING, she cannot be trilling her words. Also, Carmen randomly speaks in Spanish sometimes. I'm guessing she's at least a few centuries old, so she's probably been speaking English for that long. I know a few native speakers of other languages. My Baba and her whole family, for example, spoke Ukrainian as their first language. My French teacher spoke French as her first language. They've been speaking English for decades. They do not randomly slip into other languages unless they're speaking to people who speak that same language. Stereotype foreigners, why don't you, Smeyer?

Renesmee smiled at him. He hesitated, then smiled a slightly unwilling smile in
response.
"Eleazar?" Tanya asked.
"It's all true, Tanya. This is no immortal child. She's half-human. Come. See for
yourself."
Of course it's not possible that she's LYING at all, nope.

"I'm not dangerous at all," Renesmee interjected. I listened to her high, clear
voice with new ears, imagining how she sounded to the others. "I never hurt
Grandpa or Sue or Billy. I love humans. And wolf-people like my Jacob." She
dropped Edward's hand to reach back and pat Jacob's arm.
Totally not cutesy enough Smeyer. If you're going to go that direction, GO ALL THE WAY.

"Well, that is something we can certainly witness," Carmen said in a decided
tone.
Or even a decisive tone?

"Tanya," Edward protested, hearing more in her thoughts than there was in her
words, "we don't expect you to fight with us."
"If the Volturi won't pause to listen to our witness, we cannot simply stand by,"
Tanya insisted. "Of course, I should only speak for myself."
Kate snorted. "Do you really doubt me so much, sister?"
Tanya smiled widely at her. "Itis a suicide mission, after all."
Kate flashed a grin back and then shrugged nonchalantly. "I'm in."
Remember when I mentioned Kate before and said I thought I loved her? This is why.

It was like it had been with Charlie, and before that with all the Cullens. Renesmee
was irresistible. What was it about her that drew everyone to her, that made
them willing even to pledge their lives in her defense?
She has the power of Super Sue.

Breaking Dawn Chapters 27 and 28

Chapter 27- Travel Plans

Wow, there's a bunch of weird shit about coloured threads on the Fates' Loom, and seriously, why can't Morgan Freeman show up? He makes everything better.

Quil and Embry randomly joined Jake's pack and seriously, I'm so confused right now. How much time has passed? I have NO IDEA but it's like I'm missing a chapter or something. Sue suddenly knows about the supernatural. I don't know.

She was his second-in-command now, his "beta," as I'd called it once long ago.
Yeah, Bella. You and everyone else who knows anything about wolves.

"No one doubts you, Bella, not in the slightest," he assured me. "You know how
Jasper is – he can't resist a good emotional climate. You're so happy all the time,
love, he gravitates toward you without thinking."
What a load of crock.

Then there's a bunch of stuff about how Bella is super happy and her life is perfect and blah blah blah I DON'T CARE.

She's happy...except golden eyed Midwich Cuckoo child Renesmee is kind of scaring her.

By Carlisle's calculations, the growth of her body was gradually slowing; her
mind continued to race on ahead. Even if the rate of decrease held steady, she'd
still be an adult in no more than four years.
Four years. And an old woman by fifteen.
Just fifteen years of life.
Wait...I thought she randomly stopped growing when she was a teenager. I sense a continuity error.

Bella also has to go to Italy to show the Volturi that she is a vampire now and she has to do it alone for some reason, which of course Edward doesn't like because Bella can never do anything by herself.

Even in the short time I'd known Aro, I'd been able to see that he was a collector
– and his most prized treasures were hisliving pieces. He coveted beauty, talent,
and rarity in his immortal followers more than any jewel locked in his vaults. It
was unfortunate enough that he'd begun to covet Alice's and Edward's abilities. I
would give him no more reason to be jealous of Carlisle's family. Renesmee was
beautiful and gifted and unique – she was one of a kind. He could not be allowed
to see her, not even through someone's thoughts.
Poor little child of the corn Renesmee's beauty is a curse. Boo hoo hoo.

Irina randomly shows up. You remember Irina. She's part of the Denali Clan. I think she's the one that refused to come to the wedding.

Renesmee and Jacob are hunting. How creepy is it that a child, who looks to be about two-ish years old is hunting and killing animals and then drinking their blood?

Anyhoo, Irina knows immediately that Jacob is the one that killed Laurent. I don't know how, since she wasn't there, but whatever.

Renesmee was every bit as alert as Jacob. Abandoning the dead stag at her feet,
she leaped into my waiting arms, pressing her curious hands against my cheeks.
Gross. Wouldn't she have blood on her hands?

Chapter 28- The Future

I have to be honest here. I'm fading fast.

Bella's going to Italy and then South America. Why is she going back to South America? I don't know.

The Amazon offered a change from our normal quarry. Jaguars and
panthers, for example.
Or even panther jaguars!

Emmett had a whim to wrestle with an anaconda.
I love Emmett.

Alice freaks out and then says that the Volturi are coming after them. ALL the Volturi.

"This isn't about Bella," Alice said hollowly. "They're all coming – Aro, Caius,
Marcus, every member of the guard, even the wives."
"The wives never leave the tower," Jasper contradicted her in a flat voice. "Never.
Not during the southern rebellion. Not when the Romanians tried to overthrow
them. Not even when they were hunting the immortal children. Never."
For ONCE it's not all about Bella. Also, the thing about the wives is a little sexist.

Bella figures out that Irina saw Renesmee and assumed she was a vampire child and she went and tattled to the Volturi.

Only 218 pages left.

Heeeey. Renesmee's age is accelerated. Maybe she has progeria. I'm going to make a list now of all the undiagnosed disorders in the Twiverse.

Bella- Dependent personality disorder
Edward- Bipolar disorder, sociopathic disorder
Jacob- Bipolar disorder, sociopathic disorder
Leah- Parkinson's Disease
Seth- Narcolepsy
Renesmee- Progeria

Someone send a therapist to Forks.

Anyway, the Cullens are making plans on what to do about the Volturi. Emmett is saying they can get all their friends together and just make the Volturi listen.

Hooooooly crap. I'm skimming, so I missed this, from chapter 27:
And I was euphoric the vast majority of the time. The days were not long enough
for me to get my fill of adoring my daughter; the nights did not have enough
hours to satisfy my need for Edward.
Wow.

Alice has a shit fit and leaves. I don't know what just happened.

Breaking Dawn Chapters 23-26

Chapter 23- Memories
Tm so sorry, Seth. I should have been closer." Edward was still apologizing, and I didn't think that was either fair or appropriate.
They love each other. I wonder if there's Seth/Edward slash out there. I'm going to assuage my eyeballs and check. And whaddya know! I will link:
http://community.livejournal.com/twilightawry/tag/pairing:+edward/seth
http://community.livejournal.com/lionwolf

Omg! There are TONS of crazy pairings!
Angela and everyone else
Alice and Bella/Ben/Carlisle/Edward/James
ROFL. Aro and Bella/Carlisle/Edward
Bella and Emmett/Esme(?)/Leah/James/Tanya
Carlisle/Edward
Embry and Paul/Quil
Emmett/Jasper
Jacob and Jasper/Seth
Leah/Rosalie, but more importantly...LEAH/SETH. They're RELATED! I kind of want to read it but...INCEST SLASH. NO.

Holy shit. THREESOME slash.
Alice/Edward/Carlisle
Edward/Bella/Carlisle
Edward/Rosalie/Tanya
Emmett/Alice/Jasper
Edward/Emmett/Jasper

This is wrong on so many levels, and yet the amount of fucked up slash fills me with delight at how so many people can be so ODD.

This stupid book is getting to me. I read: Edward hadn't tried to rip Jacob's head off – Jacob, who wouldn't even phase to protect himself – and then accidentally broken Seth's shoulder and collarbone when he jumped in between.Edward hadn't almost killed his best friend.
And thought, "holy cow!" At least it wasn't "holy crow." I meant "Holy shit."
"Lucky thing Ness – Renesmee's not venomous," Seth said after a second of awkward silence. '"Cause she bites Jake all the time." My hands dropped. "She does?" "Sure. Whenever he and Rose don't get dinner in her mouth fast enough. Rose thinks it's pretty hilarious."
Wow, what a GREAT kid/girlfriend! And petulant.
Carefully, making sure not to tweak his shoulder, Seth leaned his head against the sofa's back and closed his eyes. Seconds later, his mouth fell slack.
Does he have narcolepsy? I should make a list of all the undiagnosed disorders people in the Twilightverse have.

I'm unsure as to how much time has passed since the last chapter. It seems to be weeks or something. Like, apparently now there's a truce with Sam's pack. How did this happen? When? Under what circumstances? Who knows. I don't know why there would be a truce since technically the Cullens broke it by turning Bella into a vampire. Okay, never mind. This all happened when Bella was recovering from being turned into a vampire.

Turns out Renesmee's safe because there's a convenient law that states that no wolf would ever kill the object of another wolf's imprinting. Nice to know THAT plotline was tied up offscreen with no conflict whatsoever.
I brooded for a moment. "I'm going to miss him so much. I'll miss everyone here."
Yeah right. Everyone knows Bella doesn't actually care about anyone except Edward. I accidentally wrote Bella instead of Edward, but I guess that's true too.
I remembered further back, to the fuzzy, weak memories of my human life. Back to the very hardest part to remember – the time without Edward, a time so dark I'd tried to bury it in my head. I couldn't get the words exactly right; I only remembered wishing that Jacob were my brother so that we could love each other without any confusion or pain.
HA HA HA HA HA HA. This is the guy that's she's made out with and loved IN THE SAME WAY THAT SHE LOVES EDWARD. SHE WISHES HE WERE HER BROTHER. This is JUST LIKE My Immortal where she's like, "Gerard Way isn't my brother but I wish he was because he's so sexy." I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
There was still enough petty ire in my system to make me glad, not for his pain, but for the idea of having Renesmee away from him. How was I supposed to deal with having her belong to Jacob when she only barely seemed to belong to me?
It would be nice if the little wimminz didn't have to belong to ANYONE, but in Smeyer's world I guess that's impossible.
"Four times a day," Carlisle corrected absently as he motioned the others toward the couch. I thought I saw Renesmee sigh. "Four times? Every day?Why?"
Because she's growing OBVIOUSLY.
I was aware that Jacob's arms were crossed as tightly over his chest as Edward's arms were locked around me. His heavy brows were mashed together into one line over his deep-set eyes.
UNI! HA HA HA HA.
Renesmee seemed irritated, too. She started to squirm and then reached her hand imperiously toward Rosalie. Rosalie leaned forward so that Renesmee could touch her face.
Renesmee seems like a little bitch.
Renesmee smiled her brilliant smile, and her memory eyes did not leave Jacob through all the following mess. I tasted a new flavor to the memory – not exactly protective, more possessive – as she watched Jacob. I got the distinct impression that she wasglad Seth had put himself in front of my spring. She didn't want Jacob hurt. He was hers.
I guess this is supposed to be romantic but...IT'S SO CREEPY. Also, wouldn't it be interesting if a werewolf imprinted...but the woman didn't love him back? What would she do? What would the guy do? Why couldn't Smeyer have done that?

Don't tell anyone, but I think Jasper is jealous that Bella is so much more in control than he is, and he's been a vamp for like two hundred years.
What if I didn't have to be a newborn? Not in the crazed killing-machine sense, anyway. What if I could fit right in with the Cullens from my first day? What if we didn't have to hide out somewhere remote for a year while I "grew up"? What if, like Carlisle, I never killed a single person? What if I could be a good vampire right away?
And conveniently, SHE IS!
I was furtively glad that I had some excuses for putting things off for a while; as much as I wanted to find some way to keep Charlie in my life, I was terrified of that first meeting.
I'm not sure furtively is the right word there. Let's check dictionary.com.

1.	taken, done, used, etc., surreptitiously or by stealth; secret: a furtive glance.

2.	sly; shifty: a furtive manner.

That's totally not right. She was shiftily glad she had an excuse?

Whee for random vampires. I believe they show up soon so we should become acquainted with them. Maggie, Siobhan, and Liam are part of an Irish vampire coven.
Or the outrageously icky white stuff – baby formula – that Carlisle had put in her cup; it smelled like sour dirt.
What the hell is sour dirt?
She [Renesmee] yawned, her plump pink lips stretching into a round O, and her eyes never reopened.
THE O FACE!
Her hand fell away from my face as she drifted to sleep – the backs of her eyelids were the pale lavender color of thin clouds before the sunrise.
Hey, just like Edward! Apparently all vampires have built in eyeshadow.
For the first time, I understood how Edward had been able to watch me sleep night after boring night, just to hear me talk in my sleep. I could watch Renesmee dream forever.
Good Lord.

When you really think about it, nothing much happens in these chapters. Like this chapter is all about Bella being amazed by Renesmee's beauty. Chapter 21 was all about Bella hunting. Chapter 22 was pretty much all about Bella coming to terms with Jacob imprinting on Renesmee. Chapter 19 was all about Bella becoming a vampire. These don't need to be ENTIRE CHAPTERS, for crying out loud.
Alice swung back and forth from a branch like a trapeze artist, toes touching hands, before throwing her body into a graceful flat spin over the river. Esme made a more traditional leap, while Emmett charged right through the water, splashing water so far that splatters hit the back windows. To my surprise, Jasper followed after, his own efficient leap seeming understated, even subtle, after the others.
See? SEE? Why do we need to know how they JUMP? Although Emmett is hilarious. And what exactly constitutes a "traditional leap"?

And it's Bella's birthday, yay.

Chapter 24- Surprise
"Are you ready to open your present?" Alice sang.
I HATE this. Unless Alice suddenly broke out into an a cappella version of "Happy Birthday", you can't SING words."
"Yay," Alice sang.
And AGAIN, like four paragraphs later. Is this a musical?
"Where does she usually sleep?" Alice shrugged. "In Rose's arms. Or Jacob's. Or Esme's. You get the picture. She has never been set down in her entire life.
Like mother, like daughter.

So Alice gives Bella a key for her birthday and she's leading her out into the woods to where the thing that requires a key is located.
There, nestled into a small clearing in the forest, was a tiny stone cottage, lavender gray in the light of the stars.
THEY GAVE HER A LOVE SHACK! HA HA HA HA HA HA THE LULZ ARE FAST AND FURIOUS!
"That was weird," I said when the sound of her flight had vanished completely. "Am I reallythat bad? They didn't have to stay away. Now I feel guilty. I didn't even thank her right. We should go back,tell Esme – " "Bella,don't besilly. No one thinks you're that unreasonable." "Then what – " "Alone time is their other gift. Alice was trying to be subtle about it."
See? HA HA HA HA!
"It's not a very good one," I told him as he led the way to the little rounded door. "I was just thinking – today is the first and last day of forever. It's kind of hard to wrap my head around it. Even with all this extra room for wrapping." I laughed again.
I don't understand this. Like, did her head spontaneously grow? Did she suddenly get stupid? Did she randomly return to tabula rasa? I just with I could understand.
It was a place where anyone could believe magic existed. A place where you just expected Snow White to walk right in with her apple in hand, or a unicorn to stop and nibble at the rosebushes. Edward had always thought that he belonged to the world of horror stories. Of course, I'd known he was dead wrong. It was obvious that he belongedhere. In a fairy tale.
I can't remember who made this point. I think it was Cleolinda. But she said that Jacob is part of the real world, and Edward is a fairy tale, and to Smeyer, the fairy tale trumps real life. This is exactly a point that Chuck Klosterman made in an article where he was discussing The Matrix and some other movies that I can't remember. In The Matrix, Neo chooses real life because it's not a lie. I think we would all choose real life over the fairy tale, but Smeyer is advocating CHOOSING A FANTASY. This is telling.

I laughed quietly, amazed at how quickly everything had turned right when it
had all had looked so nightmarish just a week ago.
Oh, I'm not surprised at all.
Drat Jacob for making everything perfect this way.
DRAT!

He caught up to my mood in an instant, or maybe he'd already been there, and
he was just trying to let me fully appreciate my birthday present, like a gentleman.
He pulled my face to his with a sudden fierceness, a low moan in his throat.
The sound sent the electric current running through my body into a near-frenzy,
like I couldn't get close enough to him fast enough.
I heard the fabric tearing under our hands, and I was gladmy clothes, at least,
were already destroyed. It was too late for his. It felt almost rude to ignore the
pretty white bed, but we just weren't going to make it that far.
Tee hee hee. I have never seen a YA book with so much wanton promiscuity in it.

I should have guessed, after a day like today, that it would be better.
I could really appreciate him now – could properly see every beautiful line of his
perfect face, of his long, flawless body with my strong new eyes, every angle and
every plane of him. I could taste his pure, vivid scent on my tongue and feel the
unbelievable silkiness of his marble skin under my sensitive fingertips.
My skin was so sensitive under his hands, too.
He was all new, a different person as our bodies tangled gracefully into one on
the sand-pale floor. No caution, no restraint. No fear – especially not that. We
could lovetogether – both active participants now. Finally equals.
Like our kisses before, every touch was more than I was used to. So much of
himself he'd been holding back. Necessary at the time, but I couldn't believe how
much I'd been missing.
I tried to keep in mind that I was stronger than he was, but it was hard to focus
on anything with sensations so intense, pulling my attention to a million different
places in my body every second; if I hurt him, he didn't complain.
A very, very small part of my head considered the interesting conundrum presented
in this situation. I was never going to get tired, and neither was he. We
didn't have to catch our breath or rest or eat or even use the bathroom; we had no
more mundane human needs. He had the most beautiful, perfect body in the
world and I had him all to myself, and it didn't feel like I was ever going to find a
point where I would think,Now I've had enough for one day. I was always going
to want more. And the day was never going to end. So, in such a situation, how
did we ever stop?
Dear Lord. I just...excuse me while I laugh. Okay, done.
Also, sex is better when you're conscious. It's a proven fact.

"That's difficult to say. Everyone is different and, well, so far you're the very most
different of all."
The very most different? THE VERY MOST DIFFERENT? HONESTLY? asdfklasfhf

"There's a reason why I'm the best musician in the family, why – besides Carlisle – I've read
the most books, studied the most sciences, become fluent
in the most languages.... Emmett would have you believe that I'm such a know-itall
because of the mind reading, but the truth is that I've just had a lot of free
time."
GROWING UP CULLEN IS CANON! I just LOVE this. Words cannot even describe. EMMETT IS DUMB BECAUSE HE'S BEEN HAVING SEX ALL THIS TIME. And Edward knows all this stuff because HE'S BEEN A VIRGIN FOR A HUNDRED YEARS SO OBVIOUSLY NOTHING HAS BEEN PREOCCUPYING HIM. Was this supposed to be as hilarious as it is? Because it's AWESOME.

We laughed together, and the motion of our laughter did interesting things to the
way our bodies were connected, effectively ending that conversation.
Oh, gross.

Chapter 25- Favour

I spell it the Canadian way. Because that's how I roll.

It was only a little while later that Edward reminded me of my priorities.
It took him just one word.
"Renesmee..."
Yeah. Wouldn't want to forget that you HAVE A CHILD TO TAKE CARE OF. But you just go ahead and keep sexing it up.

I probably looked like a cartoon, the way I sprung up, then looked back at him –
his diamond body faintly glinting in the diffuse light – then away to the west,
where Renesmee waited, then back at him again, then back toward her, my head
whipping from side to side a half dozen times in a second. Edward smiled, but
didn't laugh; he was a strong man.
WTF? That's SO WEIRD. Also odd are her choice of words. Edward was a strong man? Why would she say that?

I think I love this group of four chapters. They've imprinted on me! Check it:
It only took him seconds to find his own clothes – if I hadn't seen him undressed,
I would have sworn there was nothing more beautiful than Edward in his khakis
and pale beige pullover – and then he took my hand.
Beige pants and beige shirt. Wow, Edward. A hundred years sure didn't give you a fashion sense.

Before Esme could respond, Emmett was laughing again – it wasn't silent this
time.
"So it's still standing?" he managed to get out between his snickers. "I would've
thought you two had knocked it to rubble by now. What were you doing last
night? Discussing the national debt?" He howled with laughter.

Wow, that's...tasteless. But funny. But still...why would you discuss it? According to Stoney321, in Mormon families, it's funny to make fun of newlyweds because it's hilarious to watch them blush.

Uh oh. Jacob told Charlie about Bella WHAT?

EDWARD/JACOB SMACKDOWN.
Wait, no.

Jacob phased in front of Charlie and gives him an EXTREMELY simplified version of what's happening to Bella. Why is he such an idiot?

Jacob smiled. "You'll like this. His main request is that he be told as little as possible
aboutall of this. If it's not absolutely essential for him to know something,
then keep it to yourself. Need to know, only."
Why? What parent reacts like that? What parent finds out that their daughter knows all about the supernatural and has maybe been turned into a vampire and goes "I don't want to know"? This isn't like a wild night out that may have involved drinking and the kid is safe and sound and the parent's like "I don't want to know".

Also, something that I just realized. Smeyer lacks basic math skills. My birthday is two days before Bella's. September is considered a late birthday. September babies are usually younger than everyone else. So Bella couldn't have turned 18 in New Moon, which took place during grade 12, unless she got held back, which would make sense because she's such an idiot.

"She's your orphaned ward – like Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson." Jacob snorted.
Ooh, look at Smeyer showing off her MASSIVE comic superhero knowledge!

"Charlie was way past being shocked at this point, but he did ask if you were adopting
her. 'Like a daughter? Like I'm sort of a grandfather?' were his exact words. I told
him yes. 'Congrats, Gramps,' and all of that. He even smiled a little."
This is just so unnatural. How can parents just NOT care about, first of all, that their eighteen year old daughter is getting married and then that the fact that said eighteen year old daughter knows about the supernatural, is consorting with vampire, and that they have adopted a daughter? I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

So what does Renesmee look like now? She ages rapidly, so isn't she like, the size of a five year old? And people are still carrying her everywhere.

"Am I allowed to leave?" she griped. She looked uncomfortable in her human
body, wearing the same dirty t-shirt and cotton shorts she'd worn to shriek at me
the other day, her short hair sticking up in irregular tufts. Her hands were still
shaking.
Does she have Parkinson's?

If vampires look the way they do to attract human prey, why would they have red eyes? I, personally try to stay far away from people with red eyes but I GUESS THAT'S JUST ME.

Keep in mind that those won't last forever – the
venom in your eyes will dissolve them in a few hours.
So I'm confused. If the venom of the bodily fluids of vampires dissolve plastic, how are they not dissolving other things? How do they not hurt humans?

"Sit down if he does," Emmett interjected. "Humans don't like to just stand
there."
"Let your eyes wander every thirty seconds or so," Jasper added. "Humans don't
stare at one thing for too long."
"Cross your legs for about five minutes, then switch to crossing your ankles for
the next five," Rosalie said.
Doesn't she remember this from being human? Why do they need to educate her on being human when she WAS one just like, a week ago?

"And blink at least three times a minute," Emmett said. He frowned, then darted
to where the television remote sat on the end table. He flipped the TV on to a college
football game and nodded to himself.
What the HELL? First, three blink a minute is not a lot, although if I remember correctly, Zaluski didn't blink at all in all the classes he taught me. And I just LOVE this Tourette's moment he has! Like, he's all educating Bella and then he frowns, runs to the TV and starts watching football and nods away for NO APPARENT REASON.

I bit my lip. It felt funny.
How old is she, eight?

Charlie's scent was a fistful of flames, punching straight down my throat. But it
was so much more than pain. It was a hot stabbing of desire, too. Charlie smelled
more delicious than anything I'd ever imagined. As appealing as the anonymous
hikers had been on the hunt, Charlie was doubly tempting.
Oh, GROSS. Oedipal undertones here.

"Urn..."
AGAIN.

"Oh, c'mon, Charlie," Jacob groaned. "I'm the same person I've always been. Just
pretend this afternoon didn't happen."
"Yeah Charlie! I only turned into a ginormous wolf right in front of you and then told you that vampires and werewolves were real, but let's pretend it never happened!"

"Ungh!" Charlie protested, covering his ears. "Never mind."
"Na na na na I'm not listening! I don't care if my best friend's son is a werewolf and my daughter and her husband and her in laws are all vampires! I prefer to stay in my carefully constructed world of normalcy and not actually understand the truth!"

"Woo!" Emmett suddenly boomed in his deep bass. "Go Gators!"
Jacob and Charlie jumped. The rest of us froze.
Charlie recovered, then looked at Emmett over his shoulder. "Florida winning?"
"Just scored the first touchdown," Emmett confirmed. He shot a look in my direction,
wagging his eyebrows like a villain in vaudeville. "'Bout time somebody
scored around here."
That is just so bizarre.

AND THEN CHARLIE GOES TO WATCH THE FOOTBALL GAME.

Chapter 26- Shiny

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA FIREFLY FTW.

And they decide to not tell Renee. Okay, no reason for Renee to know that her daughter is a vampire and that she's adopted a kid. Whatever.

It had been a long day in some ways, and so short in others. Charlie was late for
dinner – Sue Clearwater was cooking for him and Billy.That was going to be an
awkward evening, but at least he'd be eating real food; I was glad someone was
trying to keep him from starving due to his lack of cooking ability.
Sue likes him. Also, how exactly did Charlie survive in the like, sixteen or so years or whatever since Renee and Charlie divorced?

I shifted Renesmee – napping now – to my left arm,
locked my teeth, held my breath, and wrapped my right arm very lightly around
his warm, soft waist.
Again! Is she talking about Charlie or Edward here?

Lilith Renesmee has Charlie in her Super Sue hold!

"Carlie. With a C. Like Carlisle and Charlie put together."
Good lord.

It seemed too good to be true. Could I really have both my new family and some
of my old as well? And I'd thought that yesterday had been perfect.
Of course she can! Why insert conflict or sacrifice into the book at all?

Emmett and Bella are armwrestling. Of course Bella will win.

"You gonna back down so easy, little sister?" Emmett taunted. "Not much wild
aboutyou, is there? I bet that cottage doesn't have a scratch." He laughed. "Did
Edward tell you how many houses Rose and I smashed?"
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! Rose and Emmett HOUSE SMASH. Growing Up Cullen ftw!

So anyway, like I said, Emmett loses, he punches a boulder, which explodes.

Renesmee stroked the smooth diamond-bright facets, then laid her arm next to
mine. Her skin had just a faint luminosity, subtle and mysterious. Nothing that
would keep her inside on a sunny day like my glowing sparkle. She touched my
face, thinking of the difference and feeling disgruntled.
"You're the prettiest," I assured her.
Aww, Renesmee wants to sparkle too! Why the hell would she?

Breaking Dawn Chapters 21 and 22

Chapter 21- First Hunt

Also, this dress – that Alice must have put me in sometime when I was too lost in
the burning to notice – was not what I would have picked out for either jumping
or hunting. Tightly fitted ice-blue silk? What did she think I would need it for?
Was there a cocktail party later?
Ha ha ha ha ha!

"Show-off," I muttered, and heard his invisible laugh.
Really? She couldn't SEE HIS LAUGH? Seriously?

Hoping very much that Esme was not particularly fond of any specific trees
across the river, I began my first stride. And then stopped when the tight satin
split six inches up my thigh. Alice!
Convenient.

Well, Alice always seemed to treat clothes as if they were disposable and meant
for one-time usage, so she shouldn't mind this. I bent to carefully grasp the hem
at the undamaged right seam between my fingers and, exerting the tiniest
amount of pressure possible, I ripped the dress open to the top of my thigh. Then
I fixed the other side to match.
Wtf? People have SAID that this is like porn for little girls, but now I KNOW that's true.

"Bella?" Edward called from the woods, his voice moving closer. "Do you want to
watch again?"
That could have many meanings.

It was fabulous.
Yes, dahling, it was fah-bulous!

However, I was stronger, and every stride of mine matched the length of three of his.
WHAT?

The forest was much more alive than I'd ever known.
The hiiills are aliiiiiiiive with the sound of muuuuuuuuuusic...

Here's something I don't get. Apparently the vampires are beautiful so that they can attract human prey, and yet in Twilight all the humans instinctively stay AWAY from the Cullens, negating their beauty factor. Bella's the only one stupid enough to not stay away.

More unintentional e-book hilarity:
"Belial," he called dryly, his voice even, lazy. I could hear nothing else; he had
stopped.
I believe that's supposed to be "Bella". Taken from that bastion of truth, Wikipedia:

"Belial is a demon in the Bible, Christian apocrypha and Jewish apocrypha, and also a term used to characterize the wicked or worthless. The etymology of the word is uncertain, but is most commonly translated as "without worth"."

Worthless. That sums Bella up in one word.

"Yes." His tone was approving. "Now... wait for the breeze again and... what do
you smell?"
Mostly him – his strange honey-lilac-and-sun perfume.
What kind of guy wears honey, lilac, and sun perfume?

At least it would be something hot and wet in my desiccated mouth.
Oh, dear lord. The INNUENDO.

He shrugged and shook his head, refusing to be deflected. "Bella, how did you do
it?"
"Run away? I held my breath."
"But how did you stop hunting?"
"When you came up behind me... I'm so sorry about that."
"Why are you apologizing to me? I'm the one who was horribly careless. I assumed
no one would be so far from the trails, but I should have checked first.
Such a stupid mistake!You have nothing to apologize for."
"But I growled at you!" I was still horrified that I was physically capable of such
blasphemy. ;JASDFKLASDFLADSFL;ADSFLH
"Of course you did. That's only natural. But I can't understand how you ran
away."
"What else could I do?" I asked. His attitude confused me – what did hewant to
have happened? "It might have been someone I know!"
He startled me, suddenly bursting into a spasm of loud laughter, throwing his
head back and letting the sound echo off the trees.
"Why are you laughing at me?"
He stopped at once, and I could see he was wary again.
Keep it under control,I thought to myself. I had to watch my temper. Just like I
was a young werewolf rather than a vampire.
"I'm not laughing at you,Bella. I'm laughing because I am in shock. And I am in
shock because I am completely amazed."
"Why?"
"You shouldn't be able to do any of this. You shouldn't be so... so rational. You
shouldn't be able to stand here discussing this with me calmly and coolly. And,
much more than any of that, you shouldnot have been able to break
off mid-hunt with the scent of human blood in the air. Even mature vampires
have difficulty with that – we're always very careful of where we hunt so as not to
put ourselves in the path of temptation. Bella, you're behaving like you're decades
rather than days old."

Bella's such a special snowflake and she's the very bestest vampire of them all!

My eyes pinpointed the movement linked with the sound, and I saw
the tawny hide of the great cat slinking along the wide branch of a spruce just
down and to the left of my perch. He was big – easily four times my mass.
Unless it's a tiger or lion, it won't be four times Bella's mass. Of course, now that she lost all that weight with the super special awesome vampire venom, that could be accurate.

His raking claws could have been caressing fingers for all the impact they had on
my skin. His teeth could find no purchase against my shoulder or my throat. His
weight was nothing. My teeth unerringly sought his throat, and his instinctive resistance
was pitifully feeble against my strength. My jaws locked easily over the
precise point where the heat flow concentrated.
It was effortless as biting into butter. My teeth were steel razors; they cut
through the fur and fat and sinews like they weren't there.
The flavor was wrong, but the blood was hot and wet and it soothed the ragged,
itching thirst as I drank in an eager rush. The cat's struggles grew more and more
feeble, and his screams choked off with a gurgle. The warmth of the blood radiated
throughout my whole body, heating even my fingertips and toes.
Whoa. How did we go from Twilight, to...to...THIS?

I wrenched myself erect in one quick move. Standing, I realized I was a bit of a
mess. I wiped my face off on the back of my arm and tried to fix the dress. The
claws that had been so ineffectual against my skin had had more success with the
thin satin.
So she's like 2/3 naked now?

He'd finished with two before I was done with the first, not a hair ruffled, not a spot on his white shirt.
Yeah right. Who is he, Sean Connery era James Bond?

It was a surprisingly sensual experience to observe Edward hunting.
I get the same feeling when the guys from school come in with those sexy fluorescent orange vests.

His smooth spring was like the sinuous strike of a snake; his hands were so sure, so strong, so
completely inescapable; his full lips were perfect as they parted gracefully over
his gleaming teeth. He was glorious. I felt a sudden jolt of both pride and desire.
He was mine. Nothing could ever separate him from me now. I was too strong to
be torn from his side.
SERIOUSLY. All this description...NOT NECESSARY.

"Centuries of practice."
One century.

"Done, I think." I felt very full, sort of sloshy, even.
She's gonna need to pee later.

Maybe I would just love Edward more than anyone in the history of the world
had ever loved anyone else.
Um, lust is not love.

Chapter 22- Promised

Thinking of Renesmee brought her to that center-stage place in my strange, new,
and roomy but distractible mind.
I love how she described her mind as roomy. It's because she has no thoughts in it! Also, my spellcheck doesn't like the word "distractible". Knowing Smeyer, it's probably not a word.

"How much is she like you? How much like me? Or like I was, anyway."
"It seems a fairly even divide."
Okay, I don't get this. I don't think it is an even divide. She's not human at all, as far as I can tell. She drinks blood, she has a vampire mind power, she ages rapidly and then stops so she is beautiful forever. Where's the human in that equation?

I cringed at the dim memory of shame
and guilt. It seemed odd now that I had needed him [Jacob]so much then. That sense of
absence without him near had vanished; it must have been a human weakness.
Ouch.

So Bella goes home and Jacob offers himself as a test to see if Bella would snap because he doesn't want Renesmee to get hurt. Bella thinks that's kinda weird...what could be up with Jacob...WHAT'S GOING ON?

I heard Emmett chuckle again – a sound of anticipation.
Yup. This is gonna be awesome. But I also notice that Emmett's just kind of in the background, chuckling. Constantly. He's like the chuckle ghost.

If her face had not been astonishing in its beauty and perfection, I wouldn't have
believed it was the same child. My child.
Good to know that Mary Sue runs in the family.

Edward regales the vamps with the story of how Mary Sue Bella ran away from the vampires and everyone's all delighted and amazed and blah blah blah.

I don't know why they're all calling Jasper "Jazz" just out of the blue.

Damien Renesmee has the special vampire power of showing people images and she shows Bella a vision of herself, covered in blood and whatnot. Rumpelstiltskin Renesmee scares me.

BELLA SMASH!
I puzzled over it, watching him stare at my daughter. Staring at her like... like he
was a blind man seeing the sun for the very first time.
"No!"I gasped.
Jasper's teeth came together and Edward's arms wrapped around my chest like
constricting boas. Jacob had Renesmee out of my arms in the same second, and I
did not try to hold on to her. Because I felt it coming – the snap
that they'd all been waiting for.
"Rose," I said through my teeth, very slowly and precisely. "Take Renesmee."
Rosalie held her hands out, and Jacob handed my daughter to her at once. Both
of them backed away from me.
"Edward, I don't want to hurt you, so please let go of me."
He hesitated.
"Go stand in front of Renesmee," I suggested.
He deliberated, and then let me go.
I leaned into my hunting crouch and took two slow steps forward toward Jacob.
"You didn't," I snarled at him.
He backed away, palms up, trying to reason with me. "You know it's not something
I can control."
"Youstupid mutt\ Howcould you?My babyf
He backed out the front door now as I stalked him, half-running backward down
the stairs. "It wasn't my idea, Bella!"
"I've held her all ofone time, and already you think you have some moronic wolfy
claim to her? She'smine"
"I can share," he said pleadingly as he retreated across the lawn.
"Pay up," I heard Emmett say behind me. A small part of my brain wondered
who had bet against this outcome. I didn't waste much attention on it. I was too
furious.
"How dare youimprint onmy baby? Have you lost your mind?"
"It was involuntary!" he insisted, backing into the trees.
Then he wasn't alone. The two huge wolves reappeared, flanking him on either
side. Leah snapped at me.
A fearsome snarl ripped through my teeth back at her. The sound disturbed me,
but not enough to stop my advance.
"Bella, would you try to listen for just a second? Please?" Jacob begged. "Leah,
back off," he added.
Leah curled her lip at me and didn't move.
"Why should I listen?" I hissed. Fury reigned in my head. It clouded everything
else out.
"Because you're the one who told me this. Do you remember? You said we belonged
in each other's lives, right? That we were family. You said that was how
you and I were supposed to be. So... now we are. It's what you wanted."
I glared ferociously. I did dimly remember those words. But my new quick brain
was two steps ahead of his nonsense.
"You think you'll be part of my family as myson-in-lawV I screeched. My bell
voice ripped through two octaves and still came out sounding like music.
Emmett laughed.
"Stop her, Edward," Esme murmured. "She'll be unhappy if she hurts him."
But I felt no pursuit behind me.
"No!" Jacob was insisting at the same time. "How can you even look at it that
way? She's just a baby, for crying out loud!"
"That'smypointl" I yelled.
"You know I don't think of her that way! Do you think Edward would have let me
live this long if I did? All I want is for her to be safe and happy – is that so bad?
So different from what you want?" He was shouting right back at me.
Beyond words, I shrieked a growl at him.
"Amazing, isn't she?" I heard Edward murmur.
"She hasn't gone for his throat even once," Carlisle agreed, sounding stunned.

Okay, here's what I don't get. The whole reason that Jacob and Bella were in love with each other was that Jacob loved Rosemary's Baby Renesmee and she was part of Bella, and Bella knew that Jacob would be her eventual kinda sorta son. But when Bella and Jacob met, RENESMEE WASN'T CONCEIVED. Jacob should have fallen in love with her AFTER she conceived Renesmee. Because RENESMEE DIDN'T EXIST PRIOR TO THE HONEYMOON. This makes NO SENSE.

"That was her," he told me. "From the very beginning. We had to be together,
even then."
Except...she wasn't alive. She didn't exist. At all. How can he love something THAT DOESN'T EXIST?

Then Bella freaks out because Jacob nicknamed her Nessie. Now, I'm not sure how that's the first nickname that came to mind. Ren, Rennie, MayMay, whatever. Not Nessie.