Tm so sorry, Seth. I should have been closer." Edward was still apologizing, and I didn't think that was either fair or appropriate.
They love each other. I wonder if there's Seth/Edward slash out there. I'm going to assuage my eyeballs and check. And whaddya know! I will link:
http://community.livejournal.com/twilightawry/tag/pairing:+edward/seth
http://community.livejournal.com/lionwolf
Omg! There are TONS of crazy pairings!
Angela and everyone else
Alice and Bella/Ben/Carlisle/Edward/James
ROFL. Aro and Bella/Carlisle/Edward
Bella and Emmett/Esme(?)/Leah/James/Tanya
Carlisle/Edward
Embry and Paul/Quil
Emmett/Jasper
Jacob and Jasper/Seth
Leah/Rosalie, but more importantly...LEAH/SETH. They're RELATED! I kind of want to read it but...INCEST SLASH. NO.
Holy shit. THREESOME slash.
Alice/Edward/Carlisle
Edward/Bella/Carlisle
Edward/Rosalie/Tanya
Emmett/Alice/Jasper
Edward/Emmett/Jasper
This is wrong on so many levels, and yet the amount of fucked up slash fills me with delight at how so many people can be so ODD.
This stupid book is getting to me. I read: Edward hadn't tried to rip Jacob's head off – Jacob, who wouldn't even phase to protect himself – and then accidentally broken Seth's shoulder and collarbone when he jumped in between.Edward hadn't almost killed his best friend.
And thought, "holy cow!" At least it wasn't "holy crow." I meant "Holy shit."
"Lucky thing Ness – Renesmee's not venomous," Seth said after a second of awkward silence. '"Cause she bites Jake all the time." My hands dropped. "She does?" "Sure. Whenever he and Rose don't get dinner in her mouth fast enough. Rose thinks it's pretty hilarious."
Wow, what a GREAT kid/girlfriend! And petulant.
Carefully, making sure not to tweak his shoulder, Seth leaned his head against the sofa's back and closed his eyes. Seconds later, his mouth fell slack.
Does he have narcolepsy? I should make a list of all the undiagnosed disorders people in the Twilightverse have.
I'm unsure as to how much time has passed since the last chapter. It seems to be weeks or something. Like, apparently now there's a truce with Sam's pack. How did this happen? When? Under what circumstances? Who knows. I don't know why there would be a truce since technically the Cullens broke it by turning Bella into a vampire. Okay, never mind. This all happened when Bella was recovering from being turned into a vampire.
Turns out Renesmee's safe because there's a convenient law that states that no wolf would ever kill the object of another wolf's imprinting. Nice to know THAT plotline was tied up offscreen with no conflict whatsoever.
I brooded for a moment. "I'm going to miss him so much. I'll miss everyone here."
Yeah right. Everyone knows Bella doesn't actually care about anyone except Edward. I accidentally wrote Bella instead of Edward, but I guess that's true too.
I remembered further back, to the fuzzy, weak memories of my human life. Back to the very hardest part to remember – the time without Edward, a time so dark I'd tried to bury it in my head. I couldn't get the words exactly right; I only remembered wishing that Jacob were my brother so that we could love each other without any confusion or pain.
HA HA HA HA HA HA. This is the guy that's she's made out with and loved IN THE SAME WAY THAT SHE LOVES EDWARD. SHE WISHES HE WERE HER BROTHER. This is JUST LIKE My Immortal where she's like, "Gerard Way isn't my brother but I wish he was because he's so sexy." I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
There was still enough petty ire in my system to make me glad, not for his pain, but for the idea of having Renesmee away from him. How was I supposed to deal with having her belong to Jacob when she only barely seemed to belong to me?
It would be nice if the little wimminz didn't have to belong to ANYONE, but in Smeyer's world I guess that's impossible.
"Four times a day," Carlisle corrected absently as he motioned the others toward the couch. I thought I saw Renesmee sigh. "Four times? Every day?Why?"
Because she's growing OBVIOUSLY.
I was aware that Jacob's arms were crossed as tightly over his chest as Edward's arms were locked around me. His heavy brows were mashed together into one line over his deep-set eyes.
UNI! HA HA HA HA.
Renesmee seemed irritated, too. She started to squirm and then reached her hand imperiously toward Rosalie. Rosalie leaned forward so that Renesmee could touch her face.
Renesmee seems like a little bitch.
Renesmee smiled her brilliant smile, and her memory eyes did not leave Jacob through all the following mess. I tasted a new flavor to the memory – not exactly protective, more possessive – as she watched Jacob. I got the distinct impression that she wasglad Seth had put himself in front of my spring. She didn't want Jacob hurt. He was hers.
I guess this is supposed to be romantic but...IT'S SO CREEPY. Also, wouldn't it be interesting if a werewolf imprinted...but the woman didn't love him back? What would she do? What would the guy do? Why couldn't Smeyer have done that?
Don't tell anyone, but I think Jasper is jealous that Bella is so much more in control than he is, and he's been a vamp for like two hundred years.
What if I didn't have to be a newborn? Not in the crazed killing-machine sense, anyway. What if I could fit right in with the Cullens from my first day? What if we didn't have to hide out somewhere remote for a year while I "grew up"? What if, like Carlisle, I never killed a single person? What if I could be a good vampire right away?
And conveniently, SHE IS!
I was furtively glad that I had some excuses for putting things off for a while; as much as I wanted to find some way to keep Charlie in my life, I was terrified of that first meeting.
I'm not sure furtively is the right word there. Let's check dictionary.com.
| 1. | taken, done, used, etc., surreptitiously or by stealth; secret: a furtive glance. |
| 2. | sly; shifty: a furtive manner. |
That's totally not right. She was shiftily glad she had an excuse?
Whee for random vampires. I believe they show up soon so we should become acquainted with them. Maggie, Siobhan, and Liam are part of an Irish vampire coven.
Or the outrageously icky white stuff – baby formula – that Carlisle had put in her cup; it smelled like sour dirt.
What the hell is sour dirt?
She [Renesmee] yawned, her plump pink lips stretching into a round O, and her eyes never reopened.
THE O FACE!
Her hand fell away from my face as she drifted to sleep – the backs of her eyelids were the pale lavender color of thin clouds before the sunrise.
Hey, just like Edward! Apparently all vampires have built in eyeshadow.
For the first time, I understood how Edward had been able to watch me sleep night after boring night, just to hear me talk in my sleep. I could watch Renesmee dream forever.
Good Lord.
When you really think about it, nothing much happens in these chapters. Like this chapter is all about Bella being amazed by Renesmee's beauty. Chapter 21 was all about Bella hunting. Chapter 22 was pretty much all about Bella coming to terms with Jacob imprinting on Renesmee. Chapter 19 was all about Bella becoming a vampire. These don't need to be ENTIRE CHAPTERS, for crying out loud.
Alice swung back and forth from a branch like a trapeze artist, toes touching hands, before throwing her body into a graceful flat spin over the river. Esme made a more traditional leap, while Emmett charged right through the water, splashing water so far that splatters hit the back windows. To my surprise, Jasper followed after, his own efficient leap seeming understated, even subtle, after the others.
See? SEE? Why do we need to know how they JUMP? Although Emmett is hilarious. And what exactly constitutes a "traditional leap"?
And it's Bella's birthday, yay.
Chapter 24- Surprise
"Are you ready to open your present?" Alice sang.
I HATE this. Unless Alice suddenly broke out into an a cappella version of "Happy Birthday", you can't SING words."
"Yay," Alice sang.
And AGAIN, like four paragraphs later. Is this a musical?
"Where does she usually sleep?" Alice shrugged. "In Rose's arms. Or Jacob's. Or Esme's. You get the picture. She has never been set down in her entire life.
Like mother, like daughter.
So Alice gives Bella a key for her birthday and she's leading her out into the woods to where the thing that requires a key is located.
There, nestled into a small clearing in the forest, was a tiny stone cottage, lavender gray in the light of the stars.
THEY GAVE HER A LOVE SHACK! HA HA HA HA HA HA THE LULZ ARE FAST AND FURIOUS!
"That was weird," I said when the sound of her flight had vanished completely. "Am I reallythat bad? They didn't have to stay away. Now I feel guilty. I didn't even thank her right. We should go back,tell Esme – " "Bella,don't besilly. No one thinks you're that unreasonable." "Then what – " "Alone time is their other gift. Alice was trying to be subtle about it."
See? HA HA HA HA!
"It's not a very good one," I told him as he led the way to the little rounded door. "I was just thinking – today is the first and last day of forever. It's kind of hard to wrap my head around it. Even with all this extra room for wrapping." I laughed again.
I don't understand this. Like, did her head spontaneously grow? Did she suddenly get stupid? Did she randomly return to tabula rasa? I just with I could understand.
It was a place where anyone could believe magic existed. A place where you just expected Snow White to walk right in with her apple in hand, or a unicorn to stop and nibble at the rosebushes. Edward had always thought that he belonged to the world of horror stories. Of course, I'd known he was dead wrong. It was obvious that he belongedhere. In a fairy tale.
I can't remember who made this point. I think it was Cleolinda. But she said that Jacob is part of the real world, and Edward is a fairy tale, and to Smeyer, the fairy tale trumps real life. This is exactly a point that Chuck Klosterman made in an article where he was discussing The Matrix and some other movies that I can't remember. In The Matrix, Neo chooses real life because it's not a lie. I think we would all choose real life over the fairy tale, but Smeyer is advocating CHOOSING A FANTASY. This is telling.
I laughed quietly, amazed at how quickly everything had turned right when it
had all had looked so nightmarish just a week ago.
Oh, I'm not surprised at all.
Drat Jacob for making everything perfect this way.
DRAT!
He caught up to my mood in an instant, or maybe he'd already been there, and
he was just trying to let me fully appreciate my birthday present, like a gentleman.
He pulled my face to his with a sudden fierceness, a low moan in his throat.
The sound sent the electric current running through my body into a near-frenzy,
like I couldn't get close enough to him fast enough.
I heard the fabric tearing under our hands, and I was gladmy clothes, at least,
were already destroyed. It was too late for his. It felt almost rude to ignore the
pretty white bed, but we just weren't going to make it that far.
Tee hee hee. I have never seen a YA book with so much wanton promiscuity in it.
I should have guessed, after a day like today, that it would be better.
I could really appreciate him now – could properly see every beautiful line of his
perfect face, of his long, flawless body with my strong new eyes, every angle and
every plane of him. I could taste his pure, vivid scent on my tongue and feel the
unbelievable silkiness of his marble skin under my sensitive fingertips.
My skin was so sensitive under his hands, too.
He was all new, a different person as our bodies tangled gracefully into one on
the sand-pale floor. No caution, no restraint. No fear – especially not that. We
could lovetogether – both active participants now. Finally equals.
Like our kisses before, every touch was more than I was used to. So much of
himself he'd been holding back. Necessary at the time, but I couldn't believe how
much I'd been missing.
I tried to keep in mind that I was stronger than he was, but it was hard to focus
on anything with sensations so intense, pulling my attention to a million different
places in my body every second; if I hurt him, he didn't complain.
A very, very small part of my head considered the interesting conundrum presented
in this situation. I was never going to get tired, and neither was he. We
didn't have to catch our breath or rest or eat or even use the bathroom; we had no
more mundane human needs. He had the most beautiful, perfect body in the
world and I had him all to myself, and it didn't feel like I was ever going to find a
point where I would think,Now I've had enough for one day. I was always going
to want more. And the day was never going to end. So, in such a situation, how
did we ever stop?
Dear Lord. I just...excuse me while I laugh. Okay, done.
Also, sex is better when you're conscious. It's a proven fact.
"That's difficult to say. Everyone is different and, well, so far you're the very most
different of all."
The very most different? THE VERY MOST DIFFERENT? HONESTLY? asdfklasfhf
"There's a reason why I'm the best musician in the family, why – besides Carlisle – I've read
the most books, studied the most sciences, become fluent
in the most languages.... Emmett would have you believe that I'm such a know-itall
because of the mind reading, but the truth is that I've just had a lot of free
time."
GROWING UP CULLEN IS CANON! I just LOVE this. Words cannot even describe. EMMETT IS DUMB BECAUSE HE'S BEEN HAVING SEX ALL THIS TIME. And Edward knows all this stuff because HE'S BEEN A VIRGIN FOR A HUNDRED YEARS SO OBVIOUSLY NOTHING HAS BEEN PREOCCUPYING HIM. Was this supposed to be as hilarious as it is? Because it's AWESOME.
We laughed together, and the motion of our laughter did interesting things to the
way our bodies were connected, effectively ending that conversation.
Oh, gross.
Chapter 25- Favour
I spell it the Canadian way. Because that's how I roll.
It was only a little while later that Edward reminded me of my priorities.
It took him just one word.
"Renesmee..."
Yeah. Wouldn't want to forget that you HAVE A CHILD TO TAKE CARE OF. But you just go ahead and keep sexing it up.
I probably looked like a cartoon, the way I sprung up, then looked back at him –
his diamond body faintly glinting in the diffuse light – then away to the west,
where Renesmee waited, then back at him again, then back toward her, my head
whipping from side to side a half dozen times in a second. Edward smiled, but
didn't laugh; he was a strong man.
WTF? That's SO WEIRD. Also odd are her choice of words. Edward was a strong man? Why would she say that?
I think I love this group of four chapters. They've imprinted on me! Check it:
It only took him seconds to find his own clothes – if I hadn't seen him undressed,
I would have sworn there was nothing more beautiful than Edward in his khakis
and pale beige pullover – and then he took my hand.
Beige pants and beige shirt. Wow, Edward. A hundred years sure didn't give you a fashion sense.
Before Esme could respond, Emmett was laughing again – it wasn't silent this
time.
"So it's still standing?" he managed to get out between his snickers. "I would've
thought you two had knocked it to rubble by now. What were you doing last
night? Discussing the national debt?" He howled with laughter.
Wow, that's...tasteless. But funny. But still...why would you discuss it? According to Stoney321, in Mormon families, it's funny to make fun of newlyweds because it's hilarious to watch them blush.
Uh oh. Jacob told Charlie about Bella WHAT?
EDWARD/JACOB SMACKDOWN.
Wait, no.
Jacob phased in front of Charlie and gives him an EXTREMELY simplified version of what's happening to Bella. Why is he such an idiot?
Jacob smiled. "You'll like this. His main request is that he be told as little as possible
aboutall of this. If it's not absolutely essential for him to know something,
then keep it to yourself. Need to know, only."
Why? What parent reacts like that? What parent finds out that their daughter knows all about the supernatural and has maybe been turned into a vampire and goes "I don't want to know"? This isn't like a wild night out that may have involved drinking and the kid is safe and sound and the parent's like "I don't want to know".
Also, something that I just realized. Smeyer lacks basic math skills. My birthday is two days before Bella's. September is considered a late birthday. September babies are usually younger than everyone else. So Bella couldn't have turned 18 in New Moon, which took place during grade 12, unless she got held back, which would make sense because she's such an idiot.
"She's your orphaned ward – like Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson." Jacob snorted.
Ooh, look at Smeyer showing off her MASSIVE comic superhero knowledge!
"Charlie was way past being shocked at this point, but he did ask if you were adopting
her. 'Like a daughter? Like I'm sort of a grandfather?' were his exact words. I told
him yes. 'Congrats, Gramps,' and all of that. He even smiled a little."
This is just so unnatural. How can parents just NOT care about, first of all, that their eighteen year old daughter is getting married and then that the fact that said eighteen year old daughter knows about the supernatural, is consorting with vampire, and that they have adopted a daughter? I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
So what does Renesmee look like now? She ages rapidly, so isn't she like, the size of a five year old? And people are still carrying her everywhere.
"Am I allowed to leave?" she griped. She looked uncomfortable in her human
body, wearing the same dirty t-shirt and cotton shorts she'd worn to shriek at me
the other day, her short hair sticking up in irregular tufts. Her hands were still
shaking.
Does she have Parkinson's?
If vampires look the way they do to attract human prey, why would they have red eyes? I, personally try to stay far away from people with red eyes but I GUESS THAT'S JUST ME.
Keep in mind that those won't last forever – the
venom in your eyes will dissolve them in a few hours.
So I'm confused. If the venom of the bodily fluids of vampires dissolve plastic, how are they not dissolving other things? How do they not hurt humans?
"Sit down if he does," Emmett interjected. "Humans don't like to just stand
there."
"Let your eyes wander every thirty seconds or so," Jasper added. "Humans don't
stare at one thing for too long."
"Cross your legs for about five minutes, then switch to crossing your ankles for
the next five," Rosalie said.
Doesn't she remember this from being human? Why do they need to educate her on being human when she WAS one just like, a week ago?
"And blink at least three times a minute," Emmett said. He frowned, then darted
to where the television remote sat on the end table. He flipped the TV on to a college
football game and nodded to himself.
What the HELL? First, three blink a minute is not a lot, although if I remember correctly, Zaluski didn't blink at all in all the classes he taught me. And I just LOVE this Tourette's moment he has! Like, he's all educating Bella and then he frowns, runs to the TV and starts watching football and nods away for NO APPARENT REASON.
I bit my lip. It felt funny.
How old is she, eight?
Charlie's scent was a fistful of flames, punching straight down my throat. But it
was so much more than pain. It was a hot stabbing of desire, too. Charlie smelled
more delicious than anything I'd ever imagined. As appealing as the anonymous
hikers had been on the hunt, Charlie was doubly tempting.
Oh, GROSS. Oedipal undertones here.
"Urn..."
AGAIN.
"Oh, c'mon, Charlie," Jacob groaned. "I'm the same person I've always been. Just
pretend this afternoon didn't happen."
"Yeah Charlie! I only turned into a ginormous wolf right in front of you and then told you that vampires and werewolves were real, but let's pretend it never happened!"
"Ungh!" Charlie protested, covering his ears. "Never mind."
"Na na na na I'm not listening! I don't care if my best friend's son is a werewolf and my daughter and her husband and her in laws are all vampires! I prefer to stay in my carefully constructed world of normalcy and not actually understand the truth!"
"Woo!" Emmett suddenly boomed in his deep bass. "Go Gators!"
Jacob and Charlie jumped. The rest of us froze.
Charlie recovered, then looked at Emmett over his shoulder. "Florida winning?"
"Just scored the first touchdown," Emmett confirmed. He shot a look in my direction,
wagging his eyebrows like a villain in vaudeville. "'Bout time somebody
scored around here."
That is just so bizarre.
AND THEN CHARLIE GOES TO WATCH THE FOOTBALL GAME.
Chapter 26- Shiny
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA FIREFLY FTW.
And they decide to not tell Renee. Okay, no reason for Renee to know that her daughter is a vampire and that she's adopted a kid. Whatever.
It had been a long day in some ways, and so short in others. Charlie was late for
dinner – Sue Clearwater was cooking for him and Billy.That was going to be an
awkward evening, but at least he'd be eating real food; I was glad someone was
trying to keep him from starving due to his lack of cooking ability.
Sue likes him. Also, how exactly did Charlie survive in the like, sixteen or so years or whatever since Renee and Charlie divorced?
I shifted Renesmee – napping now – to my left arm,
locked my teeth, held my breath, and wrapped my right arm very lightly around
his warm, soft waist.
Again! Is she talking about Charlie or Edward here?
"Carlie. With a C. Like Carlisle and Charlie put together."
Good lord.
It seemed too good to be true. Could I really have both my new family and some
of my old as well? And I'd thought that yesterday had been perfect.
Of course she can! Why insert conflict or sacrifice into the book at all?
Emmett and Bella are armwrestling. Of course Bella will win.
"You gonna back down so easy, little sister?" Emmett taunted. "Not much wild
aboutyou, is there? I bet that cottage doesn't have a scratch." He laughed. "Did
Edward tell you how many houses Rose and I smashed?"
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! Rose and Emmett HOUSE SMASH. Growing Up Cullen ftw!
So anyway, like I said, Emmett loses, he punches a boulder, which explodes.
Renesmee stroked the smooth diamond-bright facets, then laid her arm next to
mine. Her skin had just a faint luminosity, subtle and mysterious. Nothing that
would keep her inside on a sunny day like my glowing sparkle. She touched my
face, thinking of the difference and feeling disgruntled.
"You're the prettiest," I assured her.
Aww, Renesmee wants to sparkle too! Why the hell would she?
No comments:
Post a Comment