Breaking Dawn Preface and Chapters 19 and 20

Nooooo she has an Orson Scott Card quote! Someone should tell Smeyer that borrowing from better books won't make this one better.

Preface

Again...a preface is a message FROM AN AUTHOR. This is a PROLOGUE. DAMMIT, Smeyer.

They ghosted closer, their dark robes billowing slightly with the movement. I saw
their hands curl into bone-colored claws.
Wait a second...how did DEMENTORS get into this book? RUN AWAY, DEMENTORS! BACK TO HARRY POTTER. Trust me, you DO NOT want to be in this book!

I hate these prefaces. They are so useless and don't seem to have anything to do with the actual events of the book.

Chapter 19- Burning

Okay, so Bella's in pain blah blah blah. More squick.

Her tiny face was so absolutely perfect that it stunned me. She was even more
beautiful than her father. Unbelievable. Impossible.
Well, it wouldn't be a Smeyer novel if there weren't a couple of Mary Sues.

I'd been trying to keep up with the supernatural for too long, like Jacob had said.
Okay, here's the thing. You can still be a badass female in a supernatural world, EVEN IF YOU ARE NOT SUPERNATURAL. I know Smeyer's all, "she's human, she physically CAN'T keep up with vampires and werewolves." I made a list somewhere of all the badass females living in a supernatural world, such as:
Mina Harker (Dracula)
Buffy (Buffy The Vampire Slayer)
Murphy (The Dresden Files)
Anita Blake (Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter)
Sookie Stackhouse (The Sookie Stackhouse Novels)
Gemma Doyle (The Gemma Doyle Trilogy)
Scully (The X-Files)
Even CORDELIA from Buffy and Angel, to an extent. At least she doesn't need to be rescued every five seconds.

Always human and weak, the only thing I'd ever been able to do was keep going. Endure. Survive.
Also, Smeyer, reading about a weak and whiny female who always needs to get saved DOES NOT MAKE FOR EXCITING READING.

James, snapping my leg under his foot. That was nothing. That was a soft place
to rest on a feather bed. I'd take that now, a hundred times. A hundred snaps. I'd
take it and be grateful.
The baby, kicking my ribs apart, breaking her way through me piece by piece.
That was nothing. That was floating in a pool of cool water. I'd take it a thousand
times. Take it and be grateful.
Wtf is this shit?

Just for fun, let's see how many times Edward says "Bella, love". Seven.

"Listen to her heart, Edward. It's stronger than even Emmett's was. I've never
heard anything sovital. She'll be perfect."
SERIOUSLY? Emmett's a huge monster who was mauled BY A BEAR and Bella, by her own admission, is a weak little human. So how is it possible that she's stronger than Emmett?

For fun, let's see how many times someone says "I love you." Twenty.

"But I can't see these odd half-breeds at all because they're nothing I've experienced. Bah!"
Seriously? Like no one says "urn" or "ugh", no one actually SAYS "bah" unless you're Scrooge McDuck.

"You weren't so sanguine two days ago."
Ha ha ha ha DOUBLE ENTENDRE.

Mal: What's sanguine?
Zoe: Hopeful. Also, point of interest, it also means "bloody."
Mal: Well that about covers all the options, don't it?

"She's going to be dazzling."
Of course she is.

"It's myturn" I heard Rosalie snap at someone, and there was a low snarl in response.
"Hey, now," Emmett cautioned.
They fight and then they have angry, house breaking sex.

Twenty-one thousand, nine hundred seventeen and a half seconds later, the pain
changed.
2, 917 and a half second, exactly? Wow...thanks for the specificity but we didn't need it. Also...blatant word padding much? This sounds like my unedited Nano.

The fire retreated from my palms, leaving them blissfully pain-free and cool. But
it retreated to my heart, which blazed hot as the sun and beat at a furious new
speed.
"BLARGGGH MASSIVE CORONARY!"

Chapter 20- New

The dust was so beautiful that I inhaled in shock
I have that feeling all the time, myself.

I held my pose for an eighth of a second longer, adjusting to the scene before me.
Again, thanks for the overly specific prose, but it's unnecessary.

Oh good God. More Edward purple prose. I have never, EVER, read a book where one character gets described in detail every time he shows up. Honestly. And I've read a lot of books.

I could not answer immediately, lost as I was in the velvet folds of his voice. It
was the most perfect symphony, a symphony in one instrument, an instrument
more profound than any created by man...
Wow. Just...wow. Also, I'm not sure how much she knows about music, but a symphony is not one instrument. Perhaps she's thinking of concerto?

"Urn... carefully, Bella. Ow."
Fuck the fucking urns.

He arched one perfect eyebrow, waiting for me to speak.
Does he pluck his eyebrows?

"Don't panic, love," he said, lifting his hand to touch my lips, parted in horror.
"You're just a bit stronger than I am for the moment."
Well OF COURSE, she's stronger than him. She's a special snowflake.

His answering smile dazzled me more than it ever had when I was human; I
could really see it now.
This makes no sense. If she's more like him, wouldn't she be LESS affected by his Adonis like beauty?

It was like he'd never kissed me – like this was our first kiss. And, in truth, he'd
never kissed methis way before.
It almost made me feel guilty. Surely I was in breach of the contract. I couldn't be
allowed to have this, too.
Though I didn't need oxygen, my breathing sped, raced as fast as it had when I
was burning. This was a different kind of fire.
Someone cleared his throat. Emmett. I recognized the deep sound at once, joking
and annoyed at the same time.
I'd forgotten we weren't alone. And then I realized that the way I was curved
around Edward now was not exactly polite for company.
Awkward.

I considered that for a sixty-fourth of a second.
What does that have to do with ANYTHING?

"You are quite controlled," Carlisle mused. "More so than I expected, even with
the time you had to prepare yourself mentally for this."
Why? Why does everything have to turn out PERFECTLY for her?

"Renesmee is healthy and well," he promised, a gleam I'd never seen before in
his eyes. He said her name with an understated fervor. A reverence. The way devout
people talked about their gods.
That's soooo creepy!

I focused on my poker face.
P-p-p-poker face p-p-poker face!

I'd never been much of a liar. "It's hard to remember.
It was so dark before. And then... I opened my eyes and I could seeeverything"
"Amazing," Carlisle breathed, his eyes alight.
Chagrin washed through me, and I waited for the heat to burn in my cheeks and
give me away.
I don't think chagrin can wash through you. Also, someone pointed out that Smeyer isn't using chagrin correctly, and I think in this case she isn't.

Me? Hunt? With Edward? But...how? I didn't know what to do.
You chase the animals and then drink their blood. It's not hard. Although I could give Chuck Klosterman's brother a call, if you need some necks broken.

I tried to remember how I had felt three days ago, and automatically, my hands pulled free of Edward's and dropped to my stomach.
Flat. Empty.
Are you fucking SERIOUS? Her stomach is FLAT. Apparently along with curing any old ailment, vampire venom also makes you lose weight. I sense a get rich quick scheme...Also, right now every woman who has ever struggled with baby weight is giving this book the finger. If you need another clue that this whole book is wish fulfillment for Smeyer, there it is.

My first reaction was an unthinking pleasure. The alien creature in the glass was
indisputably beautiful, every bit as beautiful as Alice or Esme. She was fluid even
in stillness, and her flawless face was pale as the moon against the frame of her
dark, heavy hair. Her limbs were smooth and strong, skin glistening subtly, luminous
as a pearl.
Yup.

The thing with how animal blood turns vampire eyes gold is a load of crock. That's like saying if I eat enough carrot my eyes will turn orange. That's not the way it works.

Edward grinned. "Jasper wonders how you're doing it."
"Doing what?"
"Controlling your emotions, Bella," Jasper answered. "I've never seen a newborn
do that – stop an emotion in its tracks that way. You were upset, but when you
saw our concern, you reined it in, regained power over yourself. I was prepared to
help, but you didn't need it."
I just want something to go badly, for once in this series. Everything turns out perfectly for Bella. Perfect boyfriend, shitloads of money, entrance into an Ivy League college, perfect vampire family, no regret or sense of loss over her human friends or family, no conflict over being turned into a vampire, perfect demon baby, etc.

Therewas something there in the shape of her lips – if you looked past the dizzying
beauty, it was true that her upper lip was slightly out of balance, a bit too full
to match the lower. Finding this familiar little flaw made me feel a tiny bit better.
I wouldn't count that as a flaw, really. This just proves that Bella is a Mary Sue.

"Oh well," I said lightly, relieved that my thoughts were still my own. "I guess my
brain will never work right. At least I'm pretty."
Oh, fuck this shit. FUCK THIS SHIT. That is the most vapid, misogynstic thing I HAVE EVER HEARD. SERIOUSLY. What did women ever do to Smeyer?

And on that lovely note, today's recap is done.