Oh, there could not be a more appropriate chapter title to convey Smeyer's writing style than this.
"How can you abide this infamy? Why do we stand here impotently in the face of
such an outrageous crime, covered by such a ridiculous deception?"
Infamy:
| 1. | extremely bad reputation, public reproach, or strong condemnation as the result of a shameful, criminal, or outrageous act: a time that will live in infamy. |
| 2. | infamous character or conduct. |
| 3. | an infamous act or circumstance. |
| 4. | Law. loss of rights, incurred by conviction of an infamous offense. |
None of that is right. She could be referring to the fourth definition, but she forgot about the last part. The Volturi lost their rights as the ruling vampire family, but not as a result of a conviction.
"You breed mutants here," Caius spit back at him.
Wrong universe, buddy. X-Men is over in Marvel.
Edward's jaw clenched and unclenched, then he answered evenly, "They aren't
even werewolves. Aro can tell you all about it if you don't believe me."
Not werewolves? I shot a mystified look at Jacob. He lifted his huge shoulders
and let them drop – a shrug. He didn't know what Edward was talking about, either.
Duh. They don't change at the full moon.
"It's genetic – they do not continue their species by infecting others the way true werewolves do."
Oh, fuck you Smeyer. You really don't know anything about the supernatural, do you? The infecting other people thing is solely a product of Hollywood. Werewolves become werewolves as the result of a curse, wearing a wolfskin belt, drinking water from the footprint of a wolf, being the seventh son, etc.
Whoa. We have the first on screen (on page?) death in the Twilightverse, ladies and gentlemen! Irina was just killed for making false accusations. Caius burned her with his hands.
Tanya and Kate freak out, Garrett restrains Kate (I LOVE THEM BOTH).
I heard Stefan and Vladimir murmur to each other in quiet glee at Aro's discomfort.
I love those two.
Aro touched Caius's shoulder lightly. "Irina has been punished for bearing false
witness against this child."
WHO TALKS LIKE THAT? "Bearing false witness" is straight from the Bible.
Aro questions people, it's boring.
Garrett makes a speech that basically says the Cullens have found the importance of family and love and blah blah blah LIKING HIM LESS, UP THE AWESOMENESS, GARRETT. Okay, now he's basically saying Aro is a hypocritical and manipulative asshole. My love has not diminished.
Aro smiled. "A very pretty speech, my revolutionary friend."
Garrett remained poised for attack. "Revolutionary?" he growled. "Who am I revolting
against, might I ask? Are you my king? Do you wish me to call youmaster,
too, like your sycophantic guard?"
I love him again.
"Are those our only choices?" she asked suddenly, gaze flashing back to Aro.
This just reminds me of Chicken Run. "Are there any other choices?" I love that movie.
Some random vampires named Charles and Makenna showed up and I don't think we've ever heard of them before.
Aro turned his back to us again, facing the other ancients. They joined hands to
form a black-shrouded triangle.
"Power of friendship, ACTIVATE!"
Edward was watching us now, his topaz eyes wide. Jacob stared at us from the
corner of his big dark eye.
When did Jacob lose an eye?
"I love you, too," I said, and then I touched her locket. "More than my own life." I
kissed her forehead.
That doesn't mean much when you're immortal.
There's a bunch of heartwrenching moments because Bella is telling Jacob to leave with Renesmee. Gag.
A tear the size of a baseball rolled into the russet fur beneath his eye.
Yeah, I don't think that's possible.
Okay, it's hard to pick one most hilarious moment of the whole Twilight saga, but I think this is it:
Edward leaned his head against the same shoulder where he'd placed Renesmee.
"Goodbye, Jacob, my brother... my son."
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. I think this makes fun of itself. I just...no words. NO WORDS. This is so contrived. Also, if Jacob is his brother and his son, then Renesmee's marrying her uncle and that is just so wrong. Also, that means that...Edward had sex with his mother? SO WRONG. But hilarious.
Okay, second most hilarious part:
"If we live through this," Garrett whispered to Kate, "I'll follow you anywhere,
woman."
HA HA HA HA. WHO SAYS THAT? "I'll follow you anywhere, woman!" The dialogue is just so, so, so bad. What do you say to that? I think if someone said that to me I'd burst out laughing.
Chapter 38- Power
Bella still has her mind shield around everyone and Jane is attacking for...shits and giggles?
It probably wasn't very mature. But I figured it would take Aro about half a second
to guess – if he hadn't already – that my shield was more powerful than Edward
had known; I already had a big target on my forehead and there was really
no point in trying to keep the extent of what I could do a secret. So I grinned a
huge, smug smile right at Jane.
I hate smug bitches.
The Romanians started chuckling with dark anticipation.
"I told you this was our time," Vladimir said to Stefan.
"Just look at the witch's face," Stefan chortled.
I just love these two. I can't even say how much.
Can't Bella have a weakness? It would make this more interesting.
"Jane's mine," Kate hissed. "She needs a taste of her own medicine."
I love her. She's badass.
Suddenly, Edward stiffened at my side. "Yes!" he hissed.
BEST DOUBLE ENTENDRE EVER. It's like he's bored and wanking off.
"Why don't you join us, Alice?" Edward called loudly.
"Alice," Esme whispered in shock.
Alice!
Alice, Alice, Alice!
"Alice!" "Alice!" other voices murmured around me.
"Alice," Aro breathed.
I don't think you said her name enough.
Edward, despite his absorption in the coup he was directing, stiffened furiously
in response to their thoughts.
Tee hee.
Anyhoo, Alice shows up with two vampires and a vampire/human hybrid. What a convenient deus ex machina! The story about the vampire/human hybrid takes a long time to tell, when the chick could just go, "Yeah, my sister fucked a vampire and had this kid."
Also convenient: The vamp/human reached maturity (physically, a teenager) after seven years and then stopped growing, which makes no sense. If you start to age, you don't just stop. I guess Smeyer couldn't think of a less contrived way to not let Ness die.
She misspelled facade as fagade AGAIN. Once is a typo, two is just stupidity.
And just like that, the conflict is over. WOW, that was anticlimactic.
"Of all the rotten luck," Stefan muttered.
Okay, wow. He is a 1500 year old morbid vampire from Romania. He's not a ten year old boy from 1955.
Esme held Alice and Jasper in a tight embrace.
Way to be a cockblock, Esme.
Kachin stood very close to Zafrina and Senna, their fingertips interlocked.
Did she just forget that she named that vampire Kachiri? Also, they are vamp lesbians, I'm sure of it.
Garrett picked Kate up off the ground and swung her around in a circle.
Eeeeeeeeeee!
We had forever. And Nessie was going to be fine and healthy and strong. Like the
half-human Nahuel, in a hundred and fifty years she would still be young.
Convenient.
And there's just one more chapter so I may as well recap it as well.
Chapter 39- Happily Ever After
Dear God. Could it BE more cloying?
"So it was a combination of things there at the end, but what it really boiled
down to was... Bella," Edward was explaining. Our family and our two remaining
guests sat in the Cullens' great room while the forest turned black outside the tall
windows.
Of course it was.
Now we have the anime "where are they now?" cliche.
Vladimir and Stefan left after inexplicably returning to the fifties time warp.
Benjamin and Tia left to rejoin Amun and Kebi.
The Amazons left pretty soon as well, after going all "We'll be great friends!" to Nessie. Yeah right. That seems a little OOC.
The Irish left soon too.
The Denalis and Garrett left last. True to his word, he is going to follow Kate, stalker style. Oh well. I still love him.
The vamp/human and his aunt remained. Edward tells Bella that the Volturi were all scared of her and it's basically because of her that they won the non war. Emmett and Jacob are suddenly friends.
"So there are real werewolves?" I asked. "With the full moon and silver bullets
and all that?"
Jacob snorted."Real. Does that make me imaginary?"
"You know what I mean."
"Full moon, yes," Edward said. "Silver bullets, no – that was just another one of
those myths to make humans feel like they had a sporting chance. There aren't
very many of them left. Caius has had them hunted into near extinction."
Wow, Smeyer was actually right for once. The full moon is written about in lore, but the silver bullets is a product of Hollywood. I might just die of surprise.
But now that I'd had a chance to realize that she
was really home, that her defection was only a ruse because Edward had to believe
that she'd abandoned us, I was beginning to feel pretty irritated with her.
Alice had some explaining to do.
I thought that was "defecation" instead of "defection".
Bella has a shit fit because Alice left, despite the fact that it was because of Alice that Renesmee and Jacob could get away and because of Alice that they ultimately won the non-fight.
Bella is worried that the vamp/human (Nahuel) will go after Renesmee because she's the only one of his kind that isn't related to him. Wow, may to turn the pedophilia up a notch.
Also, Bella was wrong (shocker). Nahuel wasn't staring at Ness, he was staring at Bella. Because he's so fascinated that she's one of a kind and lived through the birth, duh. Nahuel believed he killed his mom and he's all sad and stuff.
I took Aro's gift from around my neck and tossed it lightly into the corner of her
room. She could play with it if she wished; she liked sparkly things.
"Oooh, shiny!"
Bella puts aside her shield altogether so that Edward can read her mind. I know this is supposed to be romantic and everything, but still...WHY WOULD YOU WANT SOMEONE READING YOUR MIND? Every time this has occurred in fiction, people are MORTIFIED that their minds are being read. This just proves that Smeyer knows nothing about teenagers, and people.
The most cloyingly saccharine line I have ever read in my life:
And then we continued blissfully into this small but perfect piece of our forever.
Okay, thoughts about the Breaking Dawn controversy. I don't think it was any worse written than any of her other books. It wasn't any less stupid than any of her books. Eclipse and New Moon filled me with more rage. But I think the fans hated it more for a few reasons:
1) It was rushed, and that shows. There are multiple spelling and grammar mistakes.
2) Bella's obsession with sex. That might be acceptable to older teenagers, but the preteens who are reading this don't want to read about Bella being horny. They want kissing and holding hands.
3) It's really long. Preteens don't want to read books this long.
4) The whole Jacob section was just boring and unnecessary.
5) It goes more into horror territory. The first book was more about forbidden love and all that, but this had blood and guts and ick. Most people read these books as an escape. No one wants to escape into a blood filled world.
6) The birthing scene. Nuff said.
7) The cheap cop out with the non battle.
8) The quasi-pedophilia makes some people uncomfortable.
Yes, the book is done! Next up, Midnight Sun.
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