Eclipse Chapters 7 and 8

Chapter 7- Unhappy Ending

Okay, Rosalie's story will blow your mind and also kind of freak you out.

“Did Edward ever tell you what led to this?” she asked, gesturing to her glorious immortal body.

That just makes me laugh, I don't know why.

Okay, the year is 1933. Rosalie's family was middle class and social climbers.

“They weren’t satisfied, butI was. I was thrilled to be me, to be Rosalie Hale. Pleased that men’s eyes watched me everywhere I went, from the year I turned twelve. Delighted that my girlfriends sighed with envy when they touched my hair. Happy that my mother was proud of me and that my father liked to buy me pretty dresses.

Keep bragging, Rosalie. Also, 12? Gross. Anyhoo, Rosalie says she was silly and shallow and all she wanted were material things and also to be loved and have a large flowery wedding. And then her friend Vera had a kid and Rosalie was jealous. There's this rich family the Kings, and Royce King II started courting her. They got engaged within two months, but she is doubting Royce's intentions...but still, MONEY.

Then basically she gets raped by Royce and a bunch of his friends. Yeah. Didn't see THAT one coming, did you? Then Carlisle vamps her and Rosalie says she didn't like the Cullens because the men were prettier than her, which is unintentionally hilarious. That must be how Chace Crawford's girlfriends feel.

“It took some time before I began to blame the beauty for what had happened to me — for me to see the curse of it. To wish that I had been . . . well, not ugly, but normal. Like Vera. So I could have been allowed to marry someone who lovedme, and have pretty babies. That’s what I’d really wanted, all along. It still doesn’t seem like too much to have asked for.”

Oh, good GOD, Rosalie. "My beauty is such a curse, wah wah wah." Or like Corey would say, WAHHHHH. "I wish I could be ugly like my friend so that I can have children." Yeah, whatever.

“You know, my record is almost as clean as Carlisle’s,” she told me. “Better than Esme. A thousand times better than Edward. I’ve never tasted human blood,” she announced proudly.

So I'm confused. How can her record be ALMOST as clean as Carlisle's if she's never tasted human blood? What is better than NEVER having tasted human blood?

Never mind. She went back and killed Royce and all of his friends, but she didn't taste their blood. Wow. That's...harsh? Especially for these books. When you compare Twilight to Breaking Dawn, you would think the last two AT LEAST were ghost written by Stephen King or something.

“I saved Royce for last. I hoped that he would hear of his friends’ deaths and understand, know what was coming for him. I hoped the fear would make the end worse for him. I think it worked. He was hiding inside a windowless room behind a door as thick as a bank vault’s, guarded outside by armed men, when I caught up with him. Oops — seven murders,” she corrected herself. “I forgot about his guards. They only took a second.”
“I was overly theatrical. It was kind of childish, really. I wore a wedding dress I’d stolen for the occasion. He screamed when he saw me. He screamed a lot that night. Saving him for last was a good idea — it made it easier for me to control myself, to make it slower —”

Wow. She's kind of badass. And right now Bella's thinking, "Okay...what's the point of this story again?"

HEE, chagrin.

She smiled and shook her head. “I probably ought to give him more credit. He’s [Edward] really quite decent, isn’t he?”

Are you SERIOUS? If you call stalking and kidnapping decent, okay.

Anyhoodle, Rosalie hated Bella at first not because she's a whiny bitch, but because Edward liked Bella. See, Rosalie was made for Edward (not going to get into the anti-feminism of that, but MAN) and Edward never liked her. Rosalie never liked Edward, but it's the principle of the thing. Hee hee, she's being so nice but she still doesn't like Bella. HA HA BITCH MARY SUE. TAKE THAT. So Rosalie hates her because Bella is throwing away her human life. Also, side note: Rosalie saved Emmett from a BEAR that was mauling him and CARRIED HIM HOME. That is BEYOND awesome. Also, she stopped the bear because Emmett looked like her friend's kid. And then they fell in love...? That's a little...uncomfortable. It makes me uncomfortable.

And it's not explicitly stated, but Rosalie hates Bella because she can have children and Bella's going to throw that all away. I don't care when women want children. Go ahead, have kids. But it's when people say that having kids is the most important thing a woman can do that I get rankled.

“Tonight we’ll go out to Olympia or something,” she promised. “That would be fun, right?”
“Why don’t you just lock me in the basement,” I suggested, “and forget the sugar coating?”
Alice frowned. “He’s going to take the Porsche back. I’m not doing a very good job. You’re supposed to be having fun.”
“It’s not your fault,” I muttered. I couldn’t believe I actually felt guilty.

ME NEITHER. And I wish her feelings toward being kidnapped and stalked went beyond chagrin (hee) and more into anger. But she never gets beyond mild irritation.

Jacob shows up again and he's all "RUN, BELLA!" and she has to run before Alice comes to get her. Oh, and Alice is PISSED. HA HA, ALICE. HA HA.

Wait. Is she wearing a helmet? No she's not. DOES SHE NOT KNOW THE BASICS OF MOTORCYCLE SAFETY?

Chapter 8-Temper

More werewolf drama. And this time it's icky. Yes, more icky than your boyfriend attacking you and fucking up your face and you still love him.

Quil's imprinted...ON A TODDLER. I can't get over how SQUICKY this is. Smeyer goes on and on about how imprinting isn't necessarily sexual but yeah, it is, because Quil doesn't age so he just has to wait until she gets old enough so they can get it on. And THANK GOD Bella thinks this is weird. It can go either way, with her. And basically, Quil has to be whatever she needs, whether it's a brother or a father figure until she gets old enough and EW. Does Smeyer actually READ what she writes? I mean honestly, there is no way to write this off as non-creepy. Has she been locked in a basement for years and doesn't know normal social conduct? I really want to know.

Wait...is THIS the quasi- rape part? I just want to get it out of the way.

They're talking about Bella changing into a vampire, blah blah.

He was suddenly on his feet, and there was a loudpop as the soda can exploded in his hand. Soda flew everywhere, soaking me, like it was spraying from a hose. That's kind of funny. Also, Jacob is having a shitfit because Bella is turning into a vampire so soon.

His words cracked like snaps of a whip. “Anything. Anything else. You’d be better off dead. I’d rather you were.”
I recoiled like he’d slapped me. It hurt worse than if he had.
And then, as the pain shot through me, my own temper burst into flame.
“Maybe you’ll get lucky,” I said bleakly, lurching to my feet. “Maybe I’ll get hit by a truck on my way back.”

Good comeback, Bella.

Also, it's not that quasi-rape part. Later.

“Not really. Can’t I go home?”
She grimaced.
“Never mind, Alice,” I said. “I’ll stay if it makes things easier for you.”

URGH.

Hey, is the dry humping scene coming up? YES!

His hand curved around my elbow, moving slowly down my arm, across my ribs and over my waist, tracing along my hip and down my leg, around my knee. He paused there, his hand curling around my calf. He pulled my leg up suddenly, hitching it around his hip. That just seems...random and out of nowhere.

“Did you change your mind?” I asked breathlessly. Maybe he’d rethought all his careful rules. Maybe there was more significance to this bed than I’d originally guessed. My heart pounded almost painfully as I waited for his answer.
Edward sighed, rolling back so that we were on our sides again.
“Don’t be ridiculous, Bella,” he said, disapproval strong in his voice — clearly, he understood what I meant. “I was just trying to illustrate the benefits of the bed you don’t seem to like. Don’t get carried away.”

I really, really hate him. Anyway, Cleolinda said this scene was "mostly a lot of rolling" which is true. Let me go back and figure out what happened.

He pulled her on top of him, there's some PG-13 action, and then he rolls back again. Okay. Just a lot of rolling. Hee hee, she's such a slut.

I smiled. “Didn’t you find any mountain lions?”
“Yes, I did, actually. Still not worth the anxiety. I’m sorry I had Alice hold you hostage, though. That was a bad idea.”
“Yes,” I agreed.
“I won’t do it again.”
“Okay,” I said easily. He was already forgiven. “But slumber parties do have their advantages. . . .” I curled myself closer to him, pressing into the indentation over his collarbone. “Youcan hold me hostage any time you want.”

It just seems like Smeyer learned flirty banter from reading bad Harlequins, and not from actual experience. Everything about when Bella tries to be flirtatious just seems forced and weird.

He sighed. “I could quite literally kill him for saying that to you. Iwant to.”
I laughed halfheartedly. “I guess it’s a good thing you’ve got so much self-control.”
“I could slip.” His tone was thoughtful.
“If you’re going to have a lapse in control, I can think of a better place for it.” I reached for his face, trying to pull myself up to kiss him. His arms held me tighter, restraining. And again. Also, withholding intimacy is a sign of abuse.

Edward randomly doesn't care that Bella is seeing werewolves. Okay. Bella's freaking out because something happened in Denali. Tanya liked Edward, but he didn't reciprocate. Why did you even MENTION it Edward? You know that her self-esteem could fit in a thimble.

I thought about that for a while, trying to concentrate as his lips moved slowly along my cheek, down my throat, and back up again. He made the circuit three times before I spoke. How can she STAND all the TOUCHING? I would be like, "ENOUGH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP TOUCHING ME!"

“It’s late,” he said again, murmuring, almost crooning now, his voice smoother than silk. “Sleep, my Bella. Dream happy dreams. You are the only one who has ever touched my heart. It will always be yours. Sleep, my only love.”
He started to hum my lullaby, and I knew it was only a matter of time till I succumbed, so I closed my eyes and snuggled closer into his chest.