Eclipse Chapters 9 and 10

Chapter 9- Target

Jacob called, Bella is still pissy and she has a tantrum and doesn't call him back.

I blushed for my slovenly ways. If you need any more proof that Smeyer has the body of a 35 year old Mormon housewife and the mind of a delicate, Victorian duchess, there it is.

Also, a vampire has been changing stuff in Bella's room. According to this book, the main purpose of the vampire B and E was to...wash her clothes? I shit you not. What a diabolical creature.

Anyhoo, Alice and Edward are talking about Bella as if she isn't in the room, isn't that sweet? They don't think the burglar vampire was Victoria. More likely it is someone from the Volturi acting on their own.

Emmett is my favourite character, even though he virtually never speaks. This sudden and intense like for him just came out of nowhere and it has no basis in the books. I think it comes fully from how beyond awesome he is in Growing Up Cullen. It's kind of like how I had a sudden and intense love for Doggett in season 8 of X-Files but I didn't know why, really. It came almost all from his performance as the T-1000 in Terminator 2. My mind works in mysterious ways.

So I would wait for the morning. I most likely wasn’t going to die tonight, after all, and it wouldn’t hurt him [Charlie] to feel guilty for twelve more hours. It might even be good for him.

She's such a bitch. The more I read the more I HATE her.

He sings her to sleep. Blah blah.

He sang me to sleep again and — aware even in unconsciousness that he was there — I slept free of nightmares. I don't think you can be aware of the outside world when you're unconscious...what goes on in Smeyer's head?

In the morning, Charlie left to go fishing with Deputy Mark before I was up. I decided to use this lack of supervision to be divine.
“I’m going to let Jacob off the hook,” I warned Edward after I’d eaten breakfast.

Are you SHITTING me? She's comparing herself to a deity now? Seriously, Smeyer? Seriously?

“I knew you’d forgive him,” he said with an easy smile. “Holding grudges is not one of your many talents.” What talent would that be? Greatly overstating her importance? Being stupid? Being submissive? Failing to see abusiveness inherent in her boyfriend?

“Bella!” he exclaimed. “Oh, Bella, I’m so sorry!” he tripped over the words as he hurried to get them out. “I swear I didn’t mean it. I was just being stupid. I was angry — but that’s no excuse. It was the stupidest thing I’ve ever said in my life and I’m sorry. Don’t be mad at me, please? Please. Lifetime of servitude up for grabs — all you have to do is forgive me.”
Jacob is so adorable. I don't want him to turn into a douche!

Edward held his hand out for the phone. I looked at his face carefully. He seemed calm enough. ARGHY I WANT TO STAB HIM IN THE FACE.

“I’ll try to consider it objectively,” Edward promised. “As objectively as I’m capable of.” JUST STOP WITH THE SENTENCE ENDING PREPOSITIONS.

Chapter 10- Scent

Weird Words
Dang

Is THIS the quasi-rape part? [Note: No]

So Jacob is coming over and Edward has to leave but before he does he breathes on Bella's hair so Jacob will smell his scent on her. Ha. Ha. Ha. JUST PISS ON HER.

And Jacob is wearing cutoffs and no shirt. I can't wait to see the movie, if only to laugh at how one of the main characters NEVER HAS A SHIRT ON. Also, he has no shoes on ha ha ha. He's like psycho era Britney Spears.

I changed color. “I guess I didn’t think about that,” I muttered. That is such a weird way of saying that she blushed. It's like she's a chameoleon and she just turned blue or something.

So Jacob's over to find the intruder. They're washing dishes. They talk about Bella turning into a vampire. He cuts himself, Bella swoons. He can magically regenerate, like Wolverine. He hugs her out of nowhere. This is like the fourth or fifth one in the past two books. And he did exactly nothing to find the vampire and he's...leaving? Okay, thanks for the help, Jacob.

Jacob asks Bella to go to a bonfire party.
“I’ll ask,” I said doubtfully.
He made a noise in the back of his throat. “Is he your warden, now, too? You know, I saw this story on the news last week about controlling, abusive teenage relationships and —”

See, he's smart! It IS an abusive relationship! Also, she's eighteen and she's asking her boyfriend for permission to go to a party. Yeah.

“Edward!” I sang, throwing myself at him. Someone should tell Smeyer that it's okay for her to just write "I said." Not everything has to be a weird verb.

Bella got accepted to Dartmouth, despite the fact that she's a moron, and Edward is telling her to go but Bella doesn't want to get an education.

Anyhoodle, the vampire took her stuff, not Alice, and Bella is just realizing this now. I thought that was already known...apparently I'm a lot more quick on the uptake than any of the MC's in this horrific book.

The headline of theSeattle Times read: “Murder Epidemic Continues — Police Have No New Leads.”
It was almost the same story Charlie had been complaining about a few weeks ago — the big-city violence that was pushing Seattle up the national murder hot-spot list. It wasn’t exactly the same story, though. The numbers were a lot higher.
“It’s getting worse,” I murmured. Thank you, Captain Obvious.

Yay, we get to find out Jasper's backstory soon.

“I hope you won’t mind taking a few precautions? Allowing me to drive you to the boundary line, for one. And then taking a cell phone, so that I’ll know when to pick you up?”
“That sounds . . . very reasonable.” The way they talk is so stilted and weird and it sounds exactly like me and my mom taking precautions if I'm going out to a party or something.

He smiled at me, and I could see no trace of apprehension in his jewel-like eyes. Holy SHIT a new adjective describing his eyes! Could it be that they are not golden, smouldering, or topaz? MY WORLD HAS BEEN TURNED UPSIDE DOWN.

Ha ha ha ha Edward bought this totally badass motorcycle. And again he makes Bella feel small and insignificant because her bike is such a piece of crap.

I stared at the beautiful machine. Beside it, my bike looked like a broken tricycle. I felt a sudden wave of sadness when I realized that this was not a bad analogy for the way I probably looked next to Edward. Oh for the love of GOD I don't want to hear your whining about your low self esteem!

He came back with one object that was black and shapeless, and another that was red and easily identifiable.
“Please?” he asked, flashing the crooked smile that always destroyed my resistance.
I took the red helmet, weighing it in my hands. “I’ll look stupid.”
“No, you’ll look smart. Smart enough not to get yourself hurt.” I can just imagine how this conversation with the editor went:
Editor: She's been riding without a helmet this whole time.
Smeyer: That's to show that she is independent and tough. She doesn't need a helmet.
Editor: It will be bad publicity if a child eschews her helmet and says that Bella doesn't either.
Smeyer: Fine, I'll put in a non sequiturish scene promoting motorcycle safety in a heavy handed and overly preachy way.
Editor: Sounds great!
He threw the black thing, whatever it was, over his arm and then took my face in his hands. “There are things between my hands right now that I can’t live without. You could take care of them.” Argh, the CHEESE, for the lovce of God.

I felt bulky.
“Be honest, how hideous do I look?”
He took another step back and pursed his lips.
“That bad, huh?” I muttered.
“No, no, Bella. Actually . . .” he seemed to be struggling for the right word. “You look . . . sexy.”
I laughed out loud. “Right.”
“Very sexy, really.”
“You are just saying that so that I’ll wear it,” I said. “But that’s okay. You’re right, it’s smarter.” I just keep imaging this as one of those posters we had to draw in elementary school for farm safety and shit. It could be a comic book or something.

“Call me whenever you’re ready to come home,” he said. “And I’ll be here.”
“I won’t be out late,” I promised. Is he her boyfriend or her dad?

And Jacob hugs her AGAIN.