Ghost Chapters 30 and 31

My shitfit from two nights ago is deleted, so sorry if you wanted to see the freakout. Also, I was in a pretty bad mood all of yesterday and decided not to make it worse with more Ringo, so I skipped my recaps and in a rare display of apathy for my rigorous credit system, I am NOT making up the two chapters today. Instead I will lag a day behind for the rest of the book.

Chapter 30

Mike's chartering a jet. I'm watching The Office at the same time so I'm not paying 100% ($) attention to the recap and I originally wrote "Mike is a" and then I noticed that wasn't what I wanted to write. I wonder how I was going to finish that sentence. Jerk? Psychopath? Asshole? That will always be a mystery.

This is worse than reading Tom Clancy. I almost want Pam and Courtney back but not quite.

Still not sure who Pierson is. I think he's a magical leprechaun.

"Did you read my bio or something?" Hardesty asked, going from somewhat annoyed to amused.

"No," Mike replied, shrugging. "Just a very 'astute' judge of character. Bit of a hobby figuring out plane drivers' backgrounds."

Why is "astute" in quotes? It's like "Manos": The Hands of Fate.

Whatever, I'm bored. Next chapter!

Chapter 31

I dunno, now Mike's talking about the sex slave trade to some guy.

I can't do it. I can't finish this chapter. I think I'm done with Ghost.

Ghost Chapters 28 and 29

Chapter 28

"I hope they kept my damned cigarette boat," Mike said.

"Your cigarette boat?" Pierson said, grinning. "You were practically dead when they got to it. I think that counts as salvage. Surely it's the FAST's boat."

"I wasn't all dead," Mike replied. "Salvage only counts if you're all dead. And you'd better not have lost it. I captured it fair and square."

"We kept the cigarette boat," Pierson said, relenting. "I take it you want to keep it?"

"Yep," Mike said. "Gonna paint it silver and black. Call it the Too Late."

Okay, we're stopping off well here with the badassery. But it usually turns out that just when I'm starting to kinda sorta enjoy Ghost, then BAM. Ringo pulls the rug out from under me.

And it turns out that Pam and Courtney got scared of all the terrorist stuff and decided to go home, THANK GOD. Maybe this chapter won't make me want to gouge out my eyes.

Mike slid the Maker's Mark around in a puddle of condensation as he waited for his table.
I think I read Maker's Mark as something like "Marker's Mike" and I thought it was some kind of gun that Mike named after himself.

SHIT. See what I mean about Ringo pulling the rug out from under me? PAM AND COURTNEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP IN THE SAME BAR THAT MIKE IS CURRENTLY IN. Wow. My happiness lasted like, three minutes. So thanks for that, Ringo.

Book Three
On The Dark Side

Chapter 29

"Come 'ere, lovely," Mike said, pulling a blonde into his lap as she walked past. The girl—she was probably no more than sixteen but nobody cared in a place like this—was wearing a thong and a garter stuffed with bills. She had very nice tits, large with small pink nipples and fricking gorgeous blue eyes, true cornflower blue, with that sexy Tartar lift that so many of the Russian girls sported. Great cheekbones. Gorgeous tits.
OH JOHN RINGO NO. I can take BDSM (maybe "take" isn't the best word. More like "tolerate". No, not right either. Like I said, normal words don't apply to Ghost.) But when it comes to jailbait and statutory rape, I draw the line.

"You gonna show me a good time?" he asked, sliding a five euro note into the garter
Are you serious, Mike? Five Euros? That's $7.50. Cheapskate.

So Mike is randomly running around Europe to where the best hookers are. He's in a strip club and then some chick randomly comes up to him and asks if he wants to buy a nuclear weapon. Do people actually do that?

Well, very brief Pam and Courtney in today's chapters, so that's good. But now we're moving into morally questionably jailbait territory, which is worse.

Ghost Chapters 26 and 27

I have 13 minutes before I have to leave for class. So let's move fast!

Okay, my little shit fit near the end of yesterday's recap was because Mike had to go off and get ready to thwart the WMD and Courtney's all, "I wish Mike was here. I'm horny." And Pam's all, "Me too...hey!" and Courtney's all, "I thought you would never ask."

Yeah.

First the Zod boat thingie and now something called a Kryton. Ringo a Superman fan?

Not gonna lie here: I don't know what's happening. Mike's swimming or something? I don't care. I'm just trying to get through this book with my sanity intact. Right now it's not looking good. And I've read everything written by Stephenie Meyer, so that's not a ringing endorsement for Ringo.

The sentry flopped backwards so that he looked like he had simply fallen asleep, except for the twitching of his legs and arms. Mike wasn't sure exactly why one guy in four was a twitcher, but it was pretty consistent. Make for a great doctoral dissertation some day.
Someone get on that, okay?

I have to finish this later. I'm getting a sandwich to eat before class.

Okay, I'm back. Man. The cook forgot to make my lunch today so I decided to go to Subway before class but I didn't have enough time so I sat through history with hunger pains and then had a muffin and a scone in my tutorial and now I'm working up the energy to go downstairs and get chicken fingers. Speaking of my tutorial, I actually participated a lot today! And I got into an argument with someone else! It was awesome.

The one on his side was a through-and-through as well, basically through his love-handles, as if he didn't have enough reasons to go on a diet.
Ha ha ha, that's kind of funny.

He stepped to the side of the building, then paused and threw himself flat as he heard a hissing sound passing through the air. Frickin' grenade.
You know, like I said before: When Ghost isn't talking about sleazy and slightly frightening sexual stuff, it's actually really delightfully badass. I have a weakness for a devil-may-care hero who gets shot at and takes everything in stride (Ex: Mal Reynolds from Firefly, Dresden from The Dresden Files, etc.). And then Ringo undercuts himself with the BDSM. It just hurts me that these were SO CLOSE to being awesome but turn out to be monstrous. And there's another Twilight parallel: The Twilight series could have been a nice, fluffy romance. Everyone has guilty pleasures (my personal favourites are anything by Sophie Kinsella, minus the Shopaholic series which makes me angry, and The Pussycat Dolls Present, in both its incarnations) but then there's the anti-feminism, the cracked out logic, the bastardized science, etc. The Host was even more aneurysm inducing: the premise was really good and kind of original, but again: A whiny and weak heroine, anti-feminism, a douchey love interest, and about twenty chapters where absolutely nothing happens.

Anyhoo, to continue.

Chapter 27

Blah blah more badassery, Mike taking out Muslims, blah blah.

I might not keep my sanity. I'm warning you guys now.

Ghost Chapters 24 and 25

You guys, I dreamed about Ghost last night. I KNOW. It wasn't even exciting shooting at terrorists stuff. Remember when Abigail asked Courtney if she knew what a spreader bar was? I then remarked that I didn't know what it was. Well, I had a dream that someone (that I hope to GOD was not my MOTHER) was explaining to me what it was. I will save you from the explanation my subconscious came up with, but I will say this: it sounds PAINFUL.

Edit: I had to find out what it was. But all I can come up with is that it's a device to hoist cargo. It's some kind of construction thing. I don't want to dig deeper.

Oh fuck. I was hoping that something would actually happen in today's chapters, but that's not looking too likely. We start off with Mike cooking, then swimming, then more BDSM.

Afterwards he led them through the five major positions of dominance, then shackled them together on the lounge floor, forcing them to play with each other while he moved the boat to a protected harbor and got supper ready. When it was prepared, he tied them, facing him, on their knees, and fed them bites from his plate, forcing them to ask for each morsel and each sip of wine. They played on into the night and only stopped near dawn, tumbling into the main cabin bed in an exhausted, happy pile.
This is soooooo weird. The last sentence could be about puppies or toddlers or something. I feel distinctly uneasy.

This is more fucking boring than Twilight IF THAT'S POSSIBLE. At least I got a few laughs out of Twilight. Ghost just makes me feel queasy.

Wow, that chapter was really tedious.

Chapter 25

I can't remember who this Pierson guy is. We were probably told who he was when he first appeared but like I said, I'm skimming. I just forget what I was going to say. Fucking Daria.

Hey, one more week and then I'm done! Can I hold out that long? That is debatable at this point.

Something about Mike having to stop weapons of mass destruction which in the Ringoverse is pretty much an everyday occurrence.

Lol, I can't believe Ringo's still using this joke:
"Pam, could you go get that big case of maxipads and the case of tampons, please?"

"What do you need these for—padding?" Pam asked when she came back in.

"No," Mike said, taking a handful of each and putting them in gallon Ziploc bags.
The hilarious part is that he never bothers to explain what he wants the pads for and the girls never ask.

I cringe inside whenever Mike sings to a song or plugs Ringo's his favourite music or books. It's so stilted and unnatural. I never plug my favourite music or books in my stories because it sounds like it's shoehorned in. I will occasionally plug The X-Files, but that's such a part of my identity that it doesn't really matter.

Once the Zod was fully loaded he climbed in and put on a set of NODs.
Zod? Is he here to take over the world again?

No way. NO WAY. You'll have to find out what my disbelief is about in the next chapter, if it ever comes to fruition. Which I think it will. Ringo, I hate you.

Ghost Chapters 22 and 23

Yet another day of my personal hell. Yay for John Ringo.

Chapter 22

So Mike takes them shopping and for some reason they get bathing suits, high heeled shoes, hats, and sun shirts, but nothing else. So here's what confuses me: Pam and Courtney came to visit and they've been on the boat pretty much the whole time. They wouldn't have brought all their belongings. So...their stuff is in a hotel somewhere? And they just forgot about it? And I guess they're just wearing one outfit everyday. Well, this is a Ringo novel. I should just learn not to ask questions.

He made chicken paprikash—chicken in paprika and sour cream sauce—and fettuccine Alfredo with fresh parmesan, asparagus on the side.
Yum, that sounds really good.

Most stuff about BDSM with a little bit about anal sex. This is where I start to skim.

Oh wow. Okay, I'm not even reading now. I wish I had someone here with a stronger constitution than mine to tell me when it was safe to read again. Kind of like when I watch horror movies and have to cover my eyes and someone tells me when it's okay to look.

"You've got a nice voice, Mike," Courtney said, snuggling into his chest and yawning. "Aren't you the one who's supposed to go to sleep?"

"I will," Mike said, "in a bit. Coast into the arms of Morpheus," he said softly, holding them both. "Good dreams."

"Are you my lover or my father?" Pam asked sleepily.

"I'm your master," Mike said gently. "Nothing more nor less."

I CAN'T...IT HURTS.

I can't fucking believe this. THE WHOLE CHAPTER was about Mike, Pam, and Courtney doing BDSM.

Chapter 23

Blah blah, some political stuff, blah.

I love how every time Mike mentions he has some coeds with him, everyone's like, "Ohhhh *snicker* *chuckle* *knowing looks*."

"Glad to hear it," Pierson said honestly. "I'd been getting a little worried about you down there doing your Travis McGee imitation."

"Travis who?" Mike asked, confused.

"Oh," Pierson said, chuckling. "I'd assumed it was intentional. Look up the Travis McGee books, some time. "
I don't know what this means. Good thing there's Wikipedia to help me! Travis McGee is a character in a book who is a beach bum and lives on a boat. My first thought was that McGee had taken a vow of celibacy or something and Pierson was making a joke about how Mike hadn't had sex for awhile, since Pierson saying "Glad to hear it" refers to the two coeds living on Mike's boat. But look at that! An expected sex joke never came to fruition (heh). Ringo keeps on surprising me.

More BDSM. Some lesbian stuff. Skimming, skimming, skimming.

Lmao, I have never seen any book so full of Author Appeal. Mike talks at length what kind of music Ringo he likes and it just sounds shoehorned in. The writing gets really unnatural when that happens. Even TWILIGHT wasn't this bad in that respect.

Thank God, it's the end.

Ghost Chapters 20 and 21

Chapter 20

The part I'm waiting for is still coming. I CAN'T TAKE THIS INCESSANT WAITING! ;LSADFHLKASDF;OASDFHLKASDJFJLSAKDJFHASKDFJSADKF.

Sorry, I went crazy there for a second, but I'm back now.

"I think that's the trap he was talking about," Pam said, shaking her head. "I think I know what he means. I think if he told me to do . . . just about anything, I'd do it."

"Yeah," Courtney said, sitting up. "But . . . I trust him not to really hurt me. Except, maybe, break my heart," she added sadly.

This sounds like a baaaaaad Harlequin.

Now they're just...getting naked in front of each other. You know what? I've stopped trying to understand. Courtney's trying to make Mike get wood and Mike's all proud because he can control his penis.

"I'm not a rapist. I'm not a slave owner. We're, all three, friends. And we need to stay that way. Okay?"

Come ON, Ringo. Mike is a rapist. Apparently he turns into a whore slave owner later.

Courtney, Pam, and another friend are discussing sex with Mike. I want the shooting back. EW, double entendre. I'm just going to stop talking now. Courtney's like, whoa. Way into Mike. And it's kind of sudden. I like the way this book portrays women in such a positive and strong light. Pam and Courtney apaprently aren't insulted that he's fucking both of them at different times.

"I wish I was there," Stacey sighed.

Goddammit, I'm hurting inside.

Anyhoo, Mike is taking Courtney and Pam to the Bahamas but they have to call their parents to get birth certificates. I TOTALLY FUCKING KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING, BUT I WISH I DIDN'T.

Chapter 21

My mom would freak it out if I phoned her to get my birth certificate to leave the country with a strange man twice my age.

Oh fuck. And here it is.

"If you do understand, I don't want to know," Courtney said, sighing, then paused. "Mom, have you ever heard the . . . term I guess: scene."

There was a very long pause.

"Yes," Abigail said calmly.

"Oh," Courtney replied, her eyes widening.

"Is he a top or a bottom?" Abigail asked.

"A what?" Courtney asked.

"Is he a dominant or a submissive, then?" her mother asked.

"Mom!"

"Dear, do you know what a spreader bar is?"

"Mom!" Courtney gasped. "No. And I don't want to know if you do!"

"You know those rosewood planter hangers in your father's and my bedroom?"

"Mother!"

I'm not really sure how to put into words the sound I'm making right now. It's kind like "UNNNNNNNNNH" only imagine that with more pain and despair.
Also, I'm not totally sure what a spreader bar is, but I am totally sure that I do NOT want to know.

"I've had a good friend die because her dom didn't get a gag off in time."

Oh shit. What if my mom has some kind of double life? AHHHHH, BRAIN BLEACH!

And then Abigail (the mom) says that she and her husband swing and that some guys like mother-daughter action. OH JOHN RINGO NO.

"A woman should be a perfect lady in public and a whore when the bedroom door closes."
WHY IS SHE STILL TALKING?

I'm not even halfway through the chapter.

Blah blah blah Abigail is still talking to her daughter about S&M. I'm going to skip that part.

Now Mike is talking to Abigail and Mike is telling her about what he's planning on doing to Courtney and Pam. AHHHHHHHHHHH I NEED TO BLEACH MY BRAIN.

"We've got the time and luxury to . . . take our time," Mike said. "I'd, frankly, planned a rather drawn-out slave-training scene. Captured girls, being taken on a boat to be sold, et cetera. Pseudo Gorian, I suppose."

"Sounds heavenly," Abigail said, sighing. "But . . ."

Just putting that out there.

And then Abigail propositions him.

I need to stab myself through the eye with a spork now, kthxbye.

Ghost Chapters 2 and 3 16 and 17

Okay, with book two, the chapters start over again but in the little index thingie with the list of chapters on the website I'm reading this off of, they just continue. I have to pick one and this is less confusing.

Now, I need to tell this strange story from work. Okay, so at Broadway Cafe there's this old woman who comes in pretty much every Saturday. When I worked there last year, I remember talking extensively to her while I was on my lunch break and then I saw her like, two days later and I decided to be nice and perky and say hi. I usually am not like that, but I thought, hey, this time I'll be nice! So I was like, "Hi!" and SHE TOTALLY DIDN'T REMEMBER WHO I WAS. And then I thought, "And this is why I don't voluntarily talk to strangers." So anyway, I started working there again in September and she came in and I remembered her (I have an AMAZING memory for faces. It's WEIRD) but she didn't remember me. Understandable, since it had been a year since she's seen me, and there had probably been extensive turnover. So anyway, I chatted with her again and then yesterday I was forced to sit beside her while I ate and she's all, "Are you a dishwasher here? Do you like it?" SERIOUSLY? Like, I see her practically every Saturday. Even if I don't TALK to her, she always sits at the counter and I'm always out there putting away dishes and stuff. She isn't mentally ill (I don't think) because she has a job. And she always says the weirdest things. Like I had a pancake and egg once. I eat them together, okay? My family does. I've been doing that since I could eat solid food, practically. And she was fucking MAKING FUN OF ME and saying it was weird and stuff. Once she asked if I smoked and when I said I didn't, she was like, "Yeah, you don't look like you do." WTF? And yesterday, the kicker. She asked me if I was eligible for this new twenty dollar bus pass. I asked her what it was. Apparently it's a new bus pass for people with low income or on social assistance. Okay, I know I'm working as a DISHWASHER but I don't automatically assume that every person in the service industry is on welfare. And I was like, "well, I have the uPass so I don't need it" and she's all, "You're going to university? U of S?" No, SIAST, which DOESN'T OFFER THE uPASS. And then I was like, "yeah" and it was all quiet and she's like, "I get to retire in fifteen years!" I. Don't. Care. I think she's on crack.

ANYWAY, back to Ghost. I had a brainwave this morning in the shower. I have a surprising amount of deep thoughts in the shower. If I want to be a genius, all I have to do is shower all the time which, unfortunately, isn't that feasible. So I am still just average. ANYWAY, in a previous recap, I said, "...it just seems like Ringo is trying to make him appear better than he actually is. If Ringo's going to make a psychotic character, I would prefer he make him unrepentantly psychotic, instead of making him masquerade as a decent guy. Somehow that just makes it worse." But then I thought, Mike actually is an unrepentantly psychotic character. Mike himself never pretends that he's a nice guy. In Ringo's direct portrayal of Mike, he never tries to make it seem like Mike is better than he is. It's OTHER people who are the problem. Despite the fact that he's monstrously sexist towards all the hostages, they all love him and in fact, fuck him SOLELY ON THE BASIS THAT HE SAVED THEIR LIVES. Like I said before, I get being grateful to your saviour, and maybe some people would fall in love with someone who saved their lives (I have never had my life saved, so I wouldn't know) but come ON. Like ALL FIFTY OF THEM? Seriously. And then when he and Amy had that conversation where she's all, "I can tell you're a good guy" and all this stuff. I don't think any sane person would say that. But you know, she doesn't know as much about Mike as I do. So maybe that is kind of realistic.

Now, I think I know what's coming, so to counteract the pain, I am watching MST3K bloopers at the same time: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4sMSzF_HD48
Seriously, they're hilarious.

He had gotten all the lines in but the stern and was on the flying bridge lifting the gangway when Courtney came up, carrying her Coke and his Gatorade.

"You forgot this," she said, sitting down on the bench and looking out. "This is so cool."

"I sometimes forget that," Mike said, nodding. "It's better than . . . some stuff in my life. Lots. I'll get tired of it after a while and have to go find something interesting to do. But right now . . . I need the downtime."

Ha ha, I thought that this whole conversation was about his Gatorade. Kind of gives it a whole different feel.

So now Mike is teaching the girls to navigate. This book is so random. Why does every girl have to be an idiot? Why do I always pick the misogynstic books to recap? They just hurt me.

I'm all for learning things from books, but Ringo is no Michael Crichton. Navigation isn't as exciting as genetics, I'm sorry.

"Pam? Can you hear me?"

"Yes," the girl called from forward.

"There's a cabin on the right, forward, that's locked," he yelled. "Kindly don't try to find out why. Remember the story of Bluebeard."

Man, I totally wouldn't be surprised if Mike had the bodies of a bunch of chicks just randomly kept on his boat. I remember reading Bluebeard and it practically scarred me. It was just CREEPY. Also, why would you keep (you know how I just spelled "keep"? "Creap." Where the hell did that come from?) around the bodies? Wouldn't they smell?

Never mind, it just has classified shit in it. Like maybe the head of Osama bin laden? Again, I wouldn't be surprised.

"Two females and a juvenile," Mike said, nodding. "You can tell the young one because its fin is smaller."
NO WAY. I NEVER would have made THAT connection!

Mike's like MAKING them wear sunscreen. Whoa, Ringo, way to be anvilicious.

Now Courtney is telling Mike what "hooking up" means. Thanks for the info.

"I'd hoped to have visitors, frankly," Mike replied. "So I laid in a lot of stuff I don't have use for. I even . . . well . . ." He paused and grinned sheepishly. "I even laid in stuff in case I had female visitors."

"Tampons and pads?" Pam asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, yeah, but they're for something else," Mike said.
Ha ha ha, this is actually kind of funny. This is kind of a running joke from way back when Mike got injured in the hostage thing which I never put in the recaps because I didn't think it was necessary but apparently it is now. SEALS use pads and tampons as like, bandages and stuff. It was mentioned quite a few times. I laughed out loud when I read this part.

"Don't think I'm a perv or anything."
Yeah, wouldn't want to think THAT. Remember my brainwave from earlier? It's all moot now. Mike doesn't even think he's a monster most of the time.

Shit, these chapters seem a lot longer than Book One. And those were a lot more bearable and these now.

SHUT UP ABOUT THE SUNSCREEN, MIKE. I know avoiding skin cancer is important but COME ON.

Pam slipped into the water and he held her by the midsection, getting a world-class erection in the process.
AHHH, THIS PROSE HURTS ME.

"There was this big, nasty-looking fish," she said nervously.

"Barracuda," Mike said, nodding.
"Oooh, BarraCUDA."

Chapter 17

"Look, it's just enormous fun having you both here, okay?" Mike said, shrugging. "I feel like I ought to be paying you money it's so much fun."

"How much?" Courtney said, grinning. "And, admit it, you're just hoping to get laid."

"I wouldn't kick you out of bed," Mike said, shrugging and grinning back. "Maybe if you were messy eating crackers. But, no, I'm just having fun watching you guys have fun. It's a real high for a guy to get a girl to smile, and that's a fact. So don't sweat what it would cost. Trust me, I can afford it. I'd take you two to the Bahamas if you asked. Hell, I'd cruise you down to the Virgin Islands if you wanted. You're both very nice young ladies, both in personality and in looks. Consider this boat yours until you have to go home."

WTF, Mike? Mike wouldn't bother me so much if he and every other person in the Ringoverse didn't think he was the best and most noble person ever.

"So what's the modern answer?" Courtney asked.

"It takes all the fun, all the soul out of it," Mike said, lowering the binoculars. "But . . . males that see any of several expressions on a female face have an endorphin rush from the sight. It's a form of drug, a high. For that matter, males have an average of forty percent fall-off in long-term decision-making at the sight of a pretty female face. Those are both clinical studies. I could extrapolate from them, but I won't. However, it's definitely the reason that there are topless bars all over the place while things like Chippendales are rare. Women don't have the same reactions. They can be somewhat visual, but they don't have the same chemical reaction. It's called 'thinking with the other head' but it's not. It's just a chemical reaction in the brain. It's real for all that," Mike said. "So if you want to pay me back, just smile. It's worth every moment, every penny."

"So we're a drug?" Courtney asked quizzically.

"A strong one," Mike said, shrugging.
HA HA HA HA HA HA. "YOU ARE EXACTLY MY BRAND OF HEROIN!" I had NO IDEA I would be finding so many Twilight parallels, but WOW. Is this Pancho under a pseudonym or something? And strangely, the girls are just as fine with being called a drug as Bella is.

So I thought Mike was like, 35, 40. These girls are minors (they live in the US) so they're like, 20 at the oldest. GROSS.

Oh, SHIT. Mike is talking about "complicated guilty pleasures". I read so you don't have to.

"No," Courtney said. "And did you see those pecs?"

"Yeah," Pam said. "And he said women aren't visual. God, what does he do, work out all day?"

Knowing Ringo, Mike is just like that naturally.

AHHH, MY BRAIN. Although thankfully, the part I know is coming wasn't in these chapters. But that means it's still coming and I have this ginormous knot in my stomach just waiting for it to come (no pun intended, ha ha ha). But that will be tomorrow, and not today.

Ghost Chapters 14 and 1

Okay, a few things today.

1. The pictures screwed up my whole Twilight MSTing and I accidentally posted before I was done and then I went back and edited and it wouldn't publish. So the MSTing itself got done, but there are intros for pictures that aren't there. Any place where it says something like (Twilight 6) that's supposed to be a picture, but they didn't work. So it's a little confusing. I'm sorry. I'm also really sorry the screencaps I took of Carlisle/Edward homoeroticism, Smeyer's cameo, the baseball uniforms, and the weird crouching didn't make it on.

2. I had to mercy kill my fish yesterday. I feel horrible.

3. I recommend the TV show "Daria."

And now, Ghost.

Chapter 14

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. It's kind of off-handedly mentioned that Mike also killed Osama bin Laden. You'd think something like that would warrant more than it happening off screen and then just kind of gets thrown into a speech, but whatever. I don't claim to understand Ringo.

"I'm Dr. Quinn." She looked at him for a moment and nodded. "Go ahead and get it out of your system, otherwise you'll be bothered until you do."

"Medicine woman?" Mike said, trying to grin.

HAHAHAHAHAHA. I love that.

"I'm not a victim. I fought to help all of us stay alive and I refuse to be called or characterized as a victim. I'm a fighter and a survivor. Ghost taught me that."

Come ON. Mike is HORRIBLE. I have NO IDEA why these girls all worship him.

He read them anyway and came away wondering just how traumatic it really was for the girls in the bunker. If this was what women read for fun . . . ?
Ha ha ha ha. You know what this makes me think of? "Fucking her ass. Saving her life." http://www.smartbitchestrashybooks.com/index.php/weblog/decadent_by_shayla_black/

"Honestly, you-know-who is probably going to run in '08 and she's got a good chance of winning. We both know that."
...Hillary Clinton?

Holy hell. Mike gets 25 mill for killing bin Laden. If that isn't wish fulfillment, I don't know what is. Plus five million for assisting in fighting the terrorists.

Uh oh. I don't like where this is going. Babe (the baseball girl) is mad because everyone's pointing and staring. Then a mysterious man comes up to her in the Starbucks. It's dun dun dun...MIKE!

Book Two: Thunder Island.
Chapter 1

He'd recently, though, been considering a developing lackanookie condition. He could fix that easy enough by a run up to Athens, but he'd started to think he might be using the girls, and that was the last thing he wanted to do. He hadn't been in contact with all of them, just a core of about twelve. And of those twelve, he'd only had sex with three. It had been healing for both sides. And with a few of the others, he'd just slept, and that had been healing, too.
You have no idea how dirty I feel right now.

So I guess this chapter is just...talking about how hard it is for Mike to get sex? I REALLY don't want to know.

"I'll wait in the bar," Mike replied, taking the flashy buzzy pager thing and dropping it in his pocket.
LOL. "Flasy buzzy pager thing." I guess Ringo was too busy putting his fantasies on paper to actually find out what those things were called.

OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NO. Mike meets two girls in the bar AND I TOTALLY KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING AND I WISH I DIDN'T.

"You're young to retire," Pam said, leaning back and looking at him with real interest for the first time.
"Well, here's the thing. I single handedly saved a bunch of naked girls from being raped by terrorists and then I killed the president of Iraq (?) and Osama bin Laden and now I pretty much just fish all day."

WTF? So later Pam and her friend, Courtney, kind of invite themselves over to Mike and he goes on and on about safe calls and stuff and I just...I don't get Mike. Seriously.

Ghost Chapters 12 and 13

Yesterday's chapters picked up quite a bit. I'm almost excited to do the readings this week. I'm sure that will change after actually doing the readings, so please pretend I never said anything. Also, these recaps may be tinged with melancholy, since my beautiful blue betta, Krycek, is currently dying. Apparently I am the worst fish keeper ever, because according to teh interwebs, I am doing the opposite of everything I'm supposed to. And yet I don't care enough to go to the petstore and change. Sorry Krycek. After he dies though, I'm getting another one. What to name him? Krycek II? Frohike? Sculder? Mully? Skinner? Hmm.

Chapter 12

I can't believe how much of a wish fulfillment story this is. Mike is now having his wounds treated by a beautiful, naked coed. Subtlety is not your forte, Ringo.

"You're good people," Mike said, coughing. "The reason I did this is I just fucking care too much, okay? I'm a bad guy, I know that, but I care, too. Too much. I'm sorry about what I said."
Come on, Mike. You're a pathetic, psycho stalker. The reason you did this was to see a bunch of naked chicks, don't lie.

There are some random people here and I don't know who they are. I'm getting deus ex machina vibes here, but nothing is clear.

Between the two of them they got him into the torture room and laid out by the dais. Then, with a great deal of trepidation, Britney picked up one of the rifles.

"How do you use this?" she asked Amy.

"First of all," Amy said carefully, "you put the safety on."

"What's a safety?"

This is going to turn out well.

"It's just fucking bodies, sir," he replied. "I mean, lots and lots of bodies, piled up on each other. Like a Doom game scene, up to your knees in gore. It's so fucking cool."
HAHAHAHAHAHA I remember Doom! Well, mostly I remember watching my brother play Doom on the computer and there was like, a pile of bodies with bones sticking out the top, and I didn't know what it was and I was like, "what is that?" and my sister's like, "birthday cake!" It was awesome.

Yup, deus ex machina.

Chapter 13

Go away, random SEAL named Roman. I hate Mike but at least there's always something to comment about when he's around.

"Sir," he said. "We have a problem."

"Say again, Roman?" the OIC replied. "You're broken."

"We have a problem," Roman said, stepping back up the stairs. "None of these girls have any clothes on."

"That was in the brief, Roman," the chief growled. "You should have been listening instead of high-fiving Sherman."

"Maybe I kinda caught that in the brief, Chief," Roman said. "But they Don't. Have. Any. Clothes. On."

Just putting that out there.

"She can't hear, that blast got her pretty bad. I'm Babe, at least that's what Ghost called me, for Babe Ruth since I was throwing grenades."
I'm kind of confused as to why she's introducing herself to the SEAL with Mike's nickname of her, and not her real name.

So all the SEALS are getting distracted by all the naked girls and COME ON, GET YOUR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT.

Everyone's super happy because Mike cut off the head of I BELIEVE the president of wherever they are (Iraq? Can't remember. Or maybe they're still in the US. At this point, I don't think it really matters) and the president it just like super excited. Weird. I will never understand guys.

"This might be the wrong time to say this and the wrong thing to say, but please don't let what happened to you turn you into . . . something you don't want to be. We went through a lot to get here and secure the position. I won't get into the whole story except to say that we had to drop through the middle of a dogfight overhead and I lost two of my men when we were nearly hit by an F-15 fighter. We came here to rescue, Ghost fought to rescue, what you . . . were. Nice, decent, lovely young ladies who were just . . . getting on with your lives. This experience is, yeah, going to scar you. But when you get to thinking that all men are horrible assholes because of what you went through, or some friend tells you that, or some therapist tells you that, or some professor tells you that, or, hell, you run into some guy who is an asshole, think about us, too, and Ghost. If you turn your backs on the good guys . . . well . . . we'll still come for you whenever you need us, but it will take all of the joy out of what we do, what we've done. This is . . . what we live for. In the end, you ladies are what we fight and die for. Don't turn your backs on us, too."
Are you SERIOUS? This is basically THE SAME FUCKING SPEECH MIKE GAVE TO THAT OTHER CHICK when he was all, "DON'T TURN INTO A LESBIAN BECAUSE THE GOOD GUYS WANT ACTION TOO." Ringo makes me sick.

"Call the two girls with her Bambi and Thumper."
Or, you know, you can learn their ACTUAL fucking names. Okay, I tried to make this less expletive filled than the Twilight recaps but SOMETIMES NORMAL WORDS JUST AREN'T STRONG ENOUGH.

"Clothes, boss," the chief said, shaking his head. "Miss, you're about the age of my daughter. Could you maybe put on some clothes? I know she started getting funny about being naked when she was ten. And I surely would like to get you out of here. There's a plane waiting to take you back to the United States. Your family is waiting. Could you please come back to us?"
Could he sound MORE like a closet pedo?

"No man can hurt a girl that's piggyback," the chief said.
WTF is this shit? What is he talking about?

Hey, today's readings were surprisingly not brain busting, so that was cool. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Ghost Chapters 10 and 11

I just had a thought this morning. You know what would probably be good to recap? Left Behind. It's perfect: There are like ten books in the series, it sounds just batshit enough to work, and fundies are always good for a laugh. I also looked for Eragon last time I went to the library but there was a creepy looking guy (like forty years old in the YA section. I don't know why) sitting on a beanbag chair right in front of the shelf where Eragon would have been. I mean, I probably could have reached it, but I was scared to go near him. He gave me this creepy look. It was really maddening because I think I got to PE and PA was so close, and yet out of my reach.

Anyhoo, Ghost.

Chapter 10

There are 37 chapters total. I don't know if I can make it through this book you guys. And there are like three or four more books which I don't think I can read.

The awesome still gets to me. Think about it: Mike's in there, alone, he killed a bunch of terrorists and liberated like 50 hostages and now the girls are running around naked and getting him ammo and shit. I mean, Goddamn. It's just crazy enough to be amazing. I mean, not the naked girls, but you know. This isn't turning out the way I wanted it to. Um.

He paused, considering the view as Bambi bent over to pull out a magazine from a pouch and sighed happily.

"You okay?" Amy asked nervously.

"Just admiring the view," Mike admitted. "Dead bad guys and naked girls. It's like an op in a titty bar. All I need is beer and steak, maybe some heavy metal or Goth music, and this would be perfect."

Oh Mike. There really is no one like you.

"What, I don't get any ammo?" Mike asked, plaintively. "After all I've done for you girls? Nobody loves me."
See? That's funny. I don't know, the like (I'm hesitant to use the word "love" in reference to Mike) is building up and I'm sure it's going to get torn down by something Mike says that is either a) grossly inappropriate, b) disgustingly sexist, or c) despicably psychotic.

This is a remarkably action packed ten chapters. After this, what can fill up the other 27 chapters? I have an idea, and it's not good. It involves planters. It will all become clear later.

I don't think I would find this ("this" being the shooting and stuff, not so much the rape and Psycho Mike) so enjoyable if I didn't have a brother and father who exposed me to stuff like James Bond, Terminator, and Indiana Jones at a young age.

Man, I just had a really good joke but I had to erase it because I misunderstood the text. Hate when that happens.

Now Mike is randomly singing songs.

"I will, Amy," Mike said. "I will. I hereby dub thee . . . Bo."

"Why Bo for God's Sake?" Amy asked, angrily. "It's better than Thumper, I suppose . . ."

"For Boadicea," Mike replied. "The Celtic warrior queen."

"Oh. In that case . . ."

"Of course, she lost," Mike added honestly. "And was dragged off to Rome in chains. But hopefully we'll do better."

You guys, I have a confession to make. I like this chapter. I KNOW, it hurts me too! But I'm sincerely enjoying it. I feel so dirty right now, you have no idea. I think I have Stockholm Syndrome.

"How about poetry?" Mike asked.

"I hate poetry."

You and me both, Amy.

What the hell, Mike? Kipling's not a poet. Hey, I guess he is. You learn something new everyday.

"Mike," Amy said, quietly. "I know you're stressed and I know that things are tough, but we've really had a bad time, you know. Could you dial back on the . . ."

"Sexism?" Mike asked. "Yeah. Now I will. I needed to shock them before."

"I can tell that you're really a nice guy . . ." Amy started to say.

"Hah," Mike replied mirthlessly. "Don't be fooled. I'm a very bad man indeed."

"No, you're not," Amy said. "Quit trying to tell yourself you're . . ."

"Amy," Mike said quietly. "There are times when I don't know whether I'm going to slip all the way to the side of evil. There's bad in me you don't know. But I'll tell you this; if I didn't have . . . something that kept me on the very edge of good, I'd have happily lined up with those soldiers to rape you. And dug my fingers into your bleeding flesh to make you scream. I'm not just a little bit bad, I'm just about all the way bad. The sexist comments weren't all an act. That's how I really am when the stops are pulled out. The fake part is being a nice guy."

Amy was quiet for a time and then shook her head.

"I don't believe it," she said and then held up a hand to forestall the protest. "Yeah, okay, you have your demons. But . . . well . . . I'll get over what happened. I know I will. And, Mike, if you said you wanted to chain me to a table, just like the one in the room, and act like you were raping me, I'd do it. Because I know that I'd walk out alive and only harmed to the extent that I let you harm me. I trust you. I can just look at you and know I can trust you."

"I hate that," Mike said. "I really do. But . . . yeah, you're right."

"You've never raped a woman, have you?" Amy asked.

"Depends on the definition," Mike replied. "I don't think any of the hookers in the third world are actual volunteers. I keep that in mind when I fuck 'em. It helps."

OH JOHN RINGO NO. You just killed any goodwill I had towards you. ALL OF IT. ARE YOU HAPPY? IT'S DEAD! NOW I'M UNHAPPY. I was actually enjoying this chapter. Now it hurts inside again. If I get an ulcer, it's Ringo's fault.

At least I'm learning things. For instance, you can waterproof an underwater demo firing device with a condom. Well, I'm sure that knowledge will come in handy sometime. Also, Mike's telling a "funny story" but I won't recount it. DON'T SAY I NEVER DID ANYTHING FOR YOU.

Mike has a severe dislike for any news channel but FOX. FOX killed Firefly, and X-Files now that I think about it. I can never like them again.

Chapter 11

Ha ha ha ha. One of the girls got onto the internet and is in a chatroom and her username is Hostage Girl.

"The following is hard to believe but true. The hostages from Athens have been . . . partially rescued..."
I love that wording. I mean, what would you call it? They're not getting raped, but they haven't escaped yet. "Partially rescued" is a great way to put it.

"He made us all give him a big yell 'hoowah,'" Heather said, shrugging and bringing nipples almost in view. "He said he needed help and if he couldn't get a big hoowah, we weren't worth saving. I think . . ." She paused and frowned, then shrugged again. "It had been . . . really terrible. Really really terrible. And a lot of the girls had just gone, like, out of it. I think he was trying to shock us back to reality or something. It helped, in a way, and I'll never think of hoowah the same again, that's for sure."

"Okay," Linda said, frowning. "I guess I wasn't there and I won't judge."

"Oh, no, judge," Heather replied. "He's like some icon of everything girls hate about men. Sexist, overbearing, foulmouthed, insensitive to an amazing degree."
This is an accurate (if somewhat understated) character sketch of Mike. And yet he is STILL portrayed as the hero. Not even an antihero. He's a BIG DAMN HERO and everyone loves him for saving them. I get being grateful to your saviour and they're all traumatized, I'm sure, but does that mean they lose ALL their scruples? I don't get Ringo.

Well, that was a remarkably boring chapter. You know what's hilarious and horrifying at the same time? Ghost won "Best Romance of 2005". Yeah.

Ghost Chapters 8 and 9

Either Friday or Saturday I'm going to do a MSTing of Twilight. The Body Rock one turned out better than expected and Twilight is even MORE hilariously bad, IF THAT'S POSSIBLE. I get the giggles just reading reviews of it. I love that movie so much. I'm seriously considering buying it. Anyway, here is Ghost.

Chapter 8

It's my understanding that there are two (possibly three) parts to the book, and part 1 is mostly action but part 2 is mostly Mike and his batshit ways, so I have hope that the novel will get better (or, you know, worse) in part 2. Right now it's mostly nonstop James Bond-ian action and I enjoyed Diamonds Are Forever so I can get on that train.

So the girl's getting raped and...
Mike turned away from the scene with apparent indifference. He was horrified and repulsed by what was happening. But, at the same time, hating himself, it turned him on. However, the sexual turn-on was close enough to rage that he could channel it and he was well prepped to explode.
Reading this, I was like, "Hey, who knew that Mike was actually a good guy?" and then I read the third sentence and was like, "...oh." See, this is why I'm confused. Should I like Mike? Should I hate him? It vacillates so quickly that I'm this close to getting whiplash.

"Dulce et decorum est," Mike murmured, looking the man in the eye as he died, "pro patria mori. You motherfucker."
I liked that poem. Also, I can't help but love how awesome Mike is sometimes, and then I remember what he's actually like. It's a strange feeling. I've never experienced that in a literary hero, ever. I guess the closest it came was Jacob in Eclipse on, where sometimes he would be awesome and then I remember the forced kissed and threatened suicide and I remember that I hate him. And there's another correlation between Ghost and Twilight. I didn't think I would find any, but here we are. You learn something new every day.

I feel physically ill from the descriptions of the rape. Why do I do this to myself? Maybe Mar is right and I'm just addicted to these recaps.

I'm just glad that these chapters are short.

I'm watching MST3K at the same time as I'm doing these recaps and Joel and the Bots are speaking in couplets but I don't know why and it's really confusing. Now Joel is doing a Kirk impression. I love that show so much.

Chapter 9

He walked over to the girl on the table, who even as fucked as she was looked pretty damned good, and looked her in the eye.

"You probably don't want to see guys at the moment or have them near you, so I'll get one of the girls to let you go," he said, nodding, then turned to the room. "Which one's got the keys?"

I just don't know what to think. He's despicable, and then he's nice.

"The one that was holding Rachel hostage," one of the girls in the front rank said, gesturing with her chin. "Who are you?"

"A very bad man," Mike said, stooping down and going through the guy's pockets. "Who, in this one case, is willing to be a good guy for a while. But if I don't get at least a blowjob out of this, I'm going to be mighty pissed."

Okay never mind, the despicable outweighs the awesome. I can't even make this book funny. I'm a failure. Also, I'm not sure what I think of Mike's self-deprecation. Usually I find stuff like that charming, but it just seems like Ringo is trying to make him appear better than he actually is. If Ringo's going to make a psychotic character, I would prefer he make him unrepentantly psychotic, instead of making him masquerade as a decent guy. Somehow that just makes it worse.

"How can you say something like that?" she shrieked. "You're as bad as them!"

"Yep, sure am," Mike said, standing up and holding the keys. "I was in Class 201, you weak-kneed pussies! But if you want to get out of this fucking place alive, and not end up back where you are right now, you'd all better get really damned frosty, really damned quick. Quit fucking crying, quit bitching, quit quitting on me and get GOD DAMNED FROSTY. Because right now it's just me. And I'm not going to be able to hold this damned place by myself. I'm going to need help. Even nekkid female help will do. And I'm not going to use these damned keys until I get a big 'HOOWAH' out of y'all. Because if I can't get a big hoowah, then you're totally fucking useless to me, and I'll just god damned leave you to be raped. Am I CLEAR HERE? Now let me here you give me a big HOOYAH!"

"What?" "What's hooyah?" "Who? Us?"

"HOO-YAH!"

"Ah, now there was one solid hooyah out there. You all heard it. Now, all of you, give me one great big fucking hooyah, or I'm walking out the door!"

I'm not going to lie here, the thing about the HOOYAH made me laugh out loud. It's just so redonk it becomes hilarious. But the rest of that speech...OH JOHN RINGO NO.

So now Mike's getting all the girls to help him put up barricades and stuff. I think they're still all naked. That's gotta be uncomfortable for everyone involved except probably Mike. Yup:

"I'm the only one with any firearms experience," Amy said. She'd put on one of the assault vests and Mike found the sight very fetching.

"That look really suits you," Mike said. "Really really suits you. Probably too well for my present lackanookie condition."

"Thanks," Amy said dryly. "I don't suppose there are any clothes around?"

Hey, whaddya know, a strong, smart, funny female character! What do you want to bet she'll have a personality transplant soon, a la Jacob in Eclipse?

"You've all probably got names like Jenny or Ashley or Chelsea or something. But I can't keep track. So you're getting team nicknames." He looked at the thrower and nodded. "You're Babe. For Babe Ruth. Blondie is Bambi and brownie is Thumper."

I'm just confused as to how giving them new names is easier to remember than their real names. And then Mike goes on this diatribe about how they're less than meat and if they don't listen to what he says he's gonna leave them to be raped (I accidentaly wrote "reaped" ha ha) again because Mike is such a decent human being.

I'm getting an urge to watch Bambi for some reason. It's like my weird Lion King craving, only that one was apropos of nothing.

"For medically retired you're doing pretty well," Amy said, glancing over at him.

"You should have seen me in my prime," Mike said with a chuckle. "I would have worn you out."

"Well, let me get my head together about all this," she said, gesturing over her shoulder, "and I'll be the first in line to give you head so good it stops your poor old heart."

I knew the feminism couldn't last long.

Ghost Chapters 4-7

I'm not going to lie here, I don't want to do four chapters. Ghost is not nearly as fun to recap as Twilight was, mostly because Twilight was so batshit, with the imprinting, quasi-rape, abusiveness masquerading as love, whining, the stupid, obvious love triangle, the xenomorph known as Renesmee, the BABY LOVE, the deus ex machina, the lack of anything even remotely resembling logic, the bastardization of science, the list goes on and on. How can anything beat that? Ghost is supposed to be so bad it's awesome, but mostly it's just bad. Although I've noticed a few similarities in the execution of both Ghost and the Twilight saga series. The most glaring one I've noticed is how both Mike and Jacob are portrayed differently from chapter to chapter. In New Moon, Jacob is nice, normal, charmingly innocent, and probably the most realistic character of the whole series. Then in Eclipse and Breaking Dawn he completely metamorphoses into the mean, manipulative, quasi-rapist who FALLS IN LOVE WITH A BABY OMG. I think this is mostly because Smeyer needed to make Edward look more dazzling, beautiful, and charming blah blah blah. She doesn't know how to actually DO THIS, so she just makes all the other characters despicable. It's the same tactic Chick uses because he has no concept of writing. I touched on this in the last recap, but Mike kind of changes from unrepentant creepy misogynistic stalker to a devil-may-care Mal Reynolds type who heroically keeps his darker nature in check. Ringo is actually a good writer, so I can only assume that Ringo gets scared of how dark he lets his mind get and then kind of pulls back, only to forget that he got scared and then he makes Mike scary again.

Okay, here's your recap:

Chapter 4

Exposition about Mike: He is trained in "real" navy stuff, like all the shit to do with boats. He's really talented, top of his class in everything.

"Quote: Petty Officer Harmon is an erect petty officer of excellent bearing whose skills as a trainer are beyond reproach."
Hee. Erect. See how hard this recap is? I HAVE TO RESORT TO IMMATURE JOKES. I hate myself.

Apparently Mike is well liked by his peers and respected by his students. So then I assume that they don't know he stalks younger girls and scares them for no apparent reason?

"Petty Officer Harmon needs to work on his interpersonal and leadership skills."
That's for damn sure. He has to work on maybe not being a psychotic stalker rapist.

"Can somebody translate that for me?" the President asked plaintively.
I love this. I assume the president is supposed to be Bush (I think the book was published in 2005.) What the officer just said wasn't too difficult to figure out. I did. And yet the president needs elaboration.

So basically, Mike's career ended because he wanted to be a soldier in the Iraq war and people were concerned because of his lack of leadership skills and he could become a leading petty officer, which you need to be promoted. This, apparently, is what killed his career. This military stuff is confusing. Also, the whole "lack of leadership" thing came from when a weapon discharged and injured one of the SEALS he was in charge of. Mike told the guy that he was handling his weapon all wrong and the guy got mad and Mike was booted.

He would be subject to bends from rapid decompression in the climb and anoxia at altitude.
The bends. Sweet. Also, I thought that said "anorexia" and I was like, "How can he get anorexia from high altitudes?" Anoxia just means a lack of air. I'm also confused as to how these people know that Mike got on the plane. I thought it was supposed to be clandestine.

This is almost as bad as reading Tom Clancy. I almost want Mike to do something batshit just so I can have some excitement.

Chapter 5

Arabic was a really guttural language like Hebrew with a lot of hawking up loogies involved. These guys were hawking loogies so he probably wasn't in Iran.
You know what I love most about these books? The sensitive portrayal of women and other cultures.

For that matter, the clothes were too well made; the reason everybody in the third world wanted American jeans was that Levis were just better than anything made overseas.
Thanks for the advertisement, Mike.

You know, I'm not altogether sure how Mike got from Point A to Point B. How did he get on that plane? How did he know about the kidnapped girls? I'm just skimming so I probably should know, but I don't.

These chapters are even more boring than Breaking Dawn IF THAT'S POSSIBLE. Maybe if Mike would just sparkle, things would be better.

Hey, there's a character named Edward! Ghost/Twilight crossover, ftw!

"Young lady, is English your birth language?" he asked, his brow crinkling in puzzlement.
[...]

"And did you go to college?" Brandeis asked very slowly and distinctly, as if talking to a four-year-old.

"Yes," she said, her lips thinning in anger.

"Then perhaps you could try to parse out a sentence like: 'We cannot discuss the investigation except to say that it's ongoing and the full assets of the United States government are focused on it.' Do you remember me saying those exact words, young lady? Or are you just drawing pretty pictures in that notebook in your hand? A brief of my comments was handed out in advance. Maybe you should look it over and get help with the tougher words from Bill there. But for those of you who can neither read nor understand simple English, I'll make it simpler. We're not going to discuss the details of the investigation. If that's too complicated, we're not going to talk about what we know. We're not going to talk about what we don't know. We're not going to talk about what we may or may not be planning. We're not even going to discuss what we know about the weather, just in case you manage to divine something from that comment, correct or incorrect, and give it to whoever stole these girls. Now, young lady, is that clear enough for you or do you have to write it a thousand times on a chalkboard?"

Way to be a condescending asshole, buddy. Also, this kind of reminds me of grade 3 when I didn't ask a question in a complete sentence and Mrs. Ward, (the hugest bitch EVER. She made people cry, although my brother loved her for some reason) was all "Are you a little baby? Can't speak in complete sentences? Do you need a soother?" I don't remember anything from grade 3 except that. So I really, really dislike this person. Perhaps it's irrational, but it's my blog and I can do what I want.

Chapter 6

The action seems to be moving very quickly. It's good to have action *cough* STEPHENIE MEYER *cough* but sometimes when there's no lead up to it, it's a little problematic. I have the same problem with Dean Koontz's Odd Thomas books: They tend to start out action packed and never stop, and because Koontz is focused on the action, there's a dearth of explanation, which is why I'm so confused reading Odd Hours right now. That's the problem Ghost has. But if the action slowed down, we might be treated to another soliloquy by Mike on how he likes to stalk people, so I don't know. Maybe this is the lesser of two evils.

I'm really confused. How do these people (the President, et. al) know what Mike is doing? Why is he going after the kidnapped girls by himself? How does he know about the kidnapped girls? I just want to understand.

"And don't worry about charges: The President personally said he doesn't care about dead ragheads."
Way to be sensitive Bush Nameless Ringoverse President.

"Hoowah."
I know it's hard to convey noises into words, but I think this was a particular fail. What does this mean?

"Got a tad bent on the last flight," Mike admitted. "Joints are in bad shape. Dehydrated as hell, which doesn't help. Hungry. Tired. The usual. I'll survive."
I can get on board with the whole super buff manly thing where the guy loves 'em and leaves 'em and drinks lots (although now I'm getting the urge to call him "Big McLargeHuge" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFHlJ2voJHY). And like I said before, sometimes Mike is really awesome, and then he's all, "You can thank me by giving me a blow job in public" and I become sad. The dichotomy is so jarring sometimes.

Why in the world would anyone have a purple camouflage field uniform?
Well, Mike, do I really have to tell you?

"...and it showed his build. But. One of the khaki blouses worked to cover his build."
That was an extraordinarily clunky few sentences. Step it up, Ringo. I expect more from you.

Now he looked like either a nineties teenager or an oppressed local worker. He hoped. All except his shoes, which were just too good. And his hair, which was too short and cut wrong.
Lol. So he looks just like an oppressed worker, except for his build, the colour of his T-shirt, his hair, and his shoes.

Three Imodium would stop up an elephant, but he figured he was going to have worse problems than constipation and the opposite would be a nightmare.
I'm just putting that out there.

Chapter 7

So now we are introduced to Amy, a butch nursing student who was kidnapped. She's naked, which, does this have any purpose other than fanservice/wish fulfillment?

"Navy SEALs," Roman shouted. "We're here to get you off! Errr . . . out!" They high-fived again as the new meats looked at them in amazement.
Dear Jesus. New meats=the girls.

"Good evening, ladies. My name is Jamid Halal and I'll be your host for what you're about to endure. Let me cover a few things before we get started. Some of you are, I'm sure, positive that you're going to be rescued. You're not. Not only does the United States government have no idea where you're being held, but even if they found out, this facility is guarded by over a battalion, that's six hundred, of the most elite commandos. Not to mention a large group of mujahideen such as these gentlemen," he added, gesturing to the guards by the door. "Furthermore, it is surrounded by heavy air defenses that will shoot down any approaching helicopters or such. And this country that you are in has an effective air force which is more than a match for the American Air Force. Last but not least, if they do try to rescue you, my friends here," he gestured at the guards, "will be more than happy to kill every one of you. And so will I. I will be more than happy to put a bullet through each of your heads." He looked around at the renewed crying and smiled, happily.
Thanks for the reassurance, buddy. Also, what's the point of kidnapping all these girls? Their plan eludes me. This guy keeps saying that he will defeat the US by kidnapping girls but...seriously, I don't think that's going to work.

I don't know whether it's funny in a bad way or just bad that every single girl has to have her boobs described. Ringo describes their hair, eyes, and boobs.

"Doctor Chayanov?" the man said in passable English.

"Da?"

"You are late," the officer replied, grabbing his elbow. "Are those the samples?"

"Da," Mike answered in his best Russian accent. "Is terrible quality control. All of your people are shit, just shit."

"Well, you probably need to try not to say that to the president or the Great One," the officer replied tightly. "Be very polite."

"Da, I am polite," Mike replied.
It's a little surprising that Mike can successfully impersonate a Russian when he only appears to know one word. Oh wait, never mind. I saw him use the word "nyet". Apparently you can go far if you know the words for yes and no.

Ghost Chapters 2 and 3

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Ghost Prologue and Chapter 1

Okay, here's the thing. John Ringo seems like a really nice guy. He commented on the OH JOHN RINGO NO article and he seemed really good-natured and he fully accepts that the book is a pile of misogynistic crap. I never felt bad about snarking at Smeyer because she's narcissistic and immature. I feel kind of bad that I'm doing this to John Ringo though. So John Ringo, prepare for a sporking. And I'm sorry for anything bad I may or may not say.

Second, I'm not going to lie and say that I'm not scared of reading this book. I've read the review, and I'm really scared I might just explode from feminist rage. I don't think I'll get through the whole trilogy. I might not even get through Ghost. I actually feel fear in the pit of my stomach.

Third, the original OH JOHN RINGO NO article: http://hradzka.livejournal.com/194753.html

Okay, so here it is: Ghost.

Prologue

Thank God Ringo at least knows the difference between a prologue and a preface SMEYER.

There are some guys talking about battling the "Great Satan". Is that anything like Li'l Susie's "Old Devil"?

So there are Great Satan's and Lesser Satans. I didn't know that there was some kind of satanic hierarchy.

Already I can tell this isn't going to be as fun as Twilight. And again I'm struck with a paradox: I don't want Smeyer to write more books because she has no business writing, but yet I want her to write more because her books are so fun to mock.

"I live in submission to Allah," Halal said, nodding. "What is the mission, Great One?"

"We shall strike at the Satan's greatest weakness," the tall man said, his eyes lidding heavily. "The love of its whores."

Terrible? Or terribly awesome? I'm still on the fence.

Chapter 1

Mike is the protagonist of this trilogy. He is a former SEAL and apparently he went back to college after he lost his marriage and his career. I'm not sure how old he is, but I'm guess like thirty? And he's eyeing coeds. I feel dirty already.

Mocking books aren't as fun when they're grammatically correct.

Will some please define "Gomer" for me? Kthx.

What was funny was that some of the most leftist, ball-busting, bitches seemed to get off on his being a former team guy. There was one little brunette wearing a beret just like that fucking terrorist Che that he swore was getting ready to go down on him right in the middle of the damned argument. But he'd blown her off instead. The hell if he'd get told he was a mindless myrmidon and then fuck the little bitch.

I'm sure it's not bad enough to warrant an OH JOHN RINGO NO, but these days I'm sensitive to anti-feminism. So OH JOHN RINGO NO.

So his right forearm got over developed, his anger got hotter and hotter and there didn't seem to be any release in sight. He very much needed to kill someone. Just about anyone would do, but one of the little airhead bitches was getting even farther up the list than his professors.

I'm not sure I WANT to read a book with a psychotic protagonist. I'm sure that can turn out well and be very original, but that's not looking to be the case in Ghost. Also, I think he actually is a sociopath. I wouldn't mind it so much, but I THINK it's supposed to come off as badassery, but instead it's just frightening.

For fun, some people read books. Play sports. Watch TV/movies. Write. Mike stalks young coeds and gets off on watching them be scared. I just...I don't know. I thought these were going to be so cracked out they were awesome, but so far I'm just a little disgusted.

And he considered it to be instructional for the little idiots. It might teach them to keep some situational awareness.

Well, thanks, Mike, for helping them out. I"m sure they will value that lesson.

Mike's going back to college to teach. Well, I'm sure any school would love to have an ex-SEAL who has no doubt killed people with a penchant for whores and stalking girls probably half his age.

Mike watches as some chick gets kidnapped.

He knew that, at heart, he was a rapist. And that meant he hated rapists more than any "normal" human being. They purely pissed him off. He'd spent his entire sexually adult life fighting the urge to use his not inconsiderable strength to possess and take instead of woo and cajole. He'd fought his demons to a standstill again and again when it would have been so easy to give in. He'd had one truly screwed up bitch get completely naked, with him naked and erect between her legs, and she still couldn't say "yes." And he'd just said: "that's okay" and walked away with an amazing case of blueballs. When men gave in to that dark side, it made him even more angry than listening to leftist bitches scream about "western civilization" and how it was so fucked up.

Yes, Mike, you are a truly noble human being.

The van was an older modern custom van like Mexicans tended to drive and from inside he could hear the struggle going on and the muffled cries of the girl followed by slaps. While it made one side of him angry as hell, another side was so turned on he could barely stand it.

OH JOHN RINGO NO. Mike is so fucked up, and it is seriously ONLY THE FIRST CHAPTER. If I didn't know that Ringo actually seemed like a halfway-decent guy, I would be wondering what the fuck was up with his head. Scratch that. John Ringo, what the fuck is up with your head?

Time to go tactical again. He lifted the MP-5 to his shoulder and stepped to the side quickly.

Party time.

See, I think I could get onboard with this if it was all badassery like that. I could even handle Mike shooting things and fucking women and then leaving them. After all, that's basically what James Bond does and I have no problem with him. But then Mike soliloquizes on how he gets turned on by girls getting slapped, or how he has the urge to rape women, or how he enjoys stalking them and scaring them and I'm just like...OH JOHN RINGO NO.

Anyway, that's the end of chapter one.