Body Rock

I bought Body Rock for less than two bucks in a Wal-Mart discount bin. In between all the Schwarzenegger movies (seriously, there were like six or seven different ones) Body Rock caught my eye with its colourful cover and catchy tagline: Dance Til You Drop. It looked amazingly cheesy and wonderful and so I bought it.

The cover does not do it justice.

I couldn't find a picture of the DVD cover, which is different. I'm looking at it now and I just noticed that there are dancing people on the word "Rock" and they were wearing the most batshit costumes (well, not as batshit as what is to come). One guy looks kind of like Ben Stiller with a Jewfro with red and yellow workout clothes. Not too bad, right? Well, the next guy is wearing purple shoes and pants, neon green socks, a yellow tank top, and some kind of weird purple fishnet thing haphazardly tied to half his torso. He also has a purple wristband. The next person is wearing fishnets, heels, and some kind of weird shirt which I can't see, and has highly teased blonde hair. The next person is an insanely drugged happy looking person with a beret (?), red pants, and what looks like maybe a leather jacket.

You've got to give Body Rock credit though: the booklet with the DVD acknowledges Body Rock for the piece of crappy cheese (cheesy crap?) that it is. Under Body Rock Trivia, it says, "Despite their onscreen chemistry, Vicki Frederick appears to spend much of the film's dance/seduction sequence attempting to keep Lorenzo Lamas' hands off her breasts." This is true. I'll screencap it when the time comes.

And now, without further ado, Body Rock.

There's a trailer here for a movie that shows four cheerleaders with T-shirts spelling out the word "hots" and the voice over guy says, "Get ready for the wildest, craziest, sexiest..." and then I fast forwarded. Every single time I watch this, I think it's going to turn into porn. I still don't know what the movie's supposed to be about. Ah, the 80's.

I love the smell of Body Rock in the morning.

It opens with a shot of New York at dawn (?) and some insane 80's music. Some gay looking guy with spray paint is talking. There's a little black kid that shows up everywhere. Seriously, everyone appears to be in their twenties, and this kid is like 8 and he goes EVERYWHERE with these people, even clubs where he ostensibly wouldn't be able to go.

Anyhoo, there's a dance sequence where they're cavorting in the middle of the street. I've never been to New York, but...wouldn't that be kind of dangerous?

Now they're graffiti painting walls, which is also known as vandalism.

Okay, there's a lull in action. Let's talk about the ages. I always assumed these people were in high school (they don't have jobs, they randomly go around graffitiing places, and they go to clubs every night.) But the love interest is a nurse, so I don't think they're actually in high school. I honestly have no idea how old they are.

Oh shit, the fuzz! All these delinquents run into a boxcar (?) and now we're suddenly somewhere else. It looks like a temp agency or something.
Best conversation ever. Our hero, Chilly, is in a temp agency being interviewed by a mildly constipated looking women with a fro.




Woman: So, Chester...
Chilly: Chilly.
Woman: Chilly. What kind of job would you like?
Chilly: Basically anything.
Woman: Well, there must be some kind of work you want.
Chilly: Well, I wouldn't want to do anything too...too nasty.
Woman: Such as?
Chilly: Such as, I wouldn't want to be a trash man or something like that.
Woman: If you could do anything you wanted, what would that be?
Chilly: Anything?
Woman: Sure, anything.
Chilly: I would like to be like...Muhammad Ali. In his prime.
[So, he wants to box? I thought he wanted to break dance. Also, this is what he looks like as he says this line:
Woman: So you box!
Chilly: No.

That whole conversation was just pointless. Also, she comments on his wardrobe and asks if he always dresses like that for job interviews. It's a valid question, since he has a headband, a denim vest, and his chest in all of its Sasquatch glory bared for all the world to see. Chilly responds that he "likes to look freeeeeesh." Throughout the whole conversation he sounds mildly sedated.
I love this movie so much.

Now Chilly and some other guy (I honestly don't know anyone's name except his) are in a club (Called Rhythm Nation, and the Body Rock people were actually sued by Janet Jackson's people for using the name.) Chilly makes out with some random chick (really grossly, I might add) and goes into the club. There are some really, really scary looking black dudes all dressed the same (Bloods?)

The black kid is here for no apparent reason. He's like Waldo.

Oh shit, this is the part where Chilly raps! Chilly's friend's sister (Darlene) is at the club and Chilly is eyeing her and says she looks fine. She's dressed kind of like a prude, in a pink dress thingie and a torn sweatshirt, a la Flashdance.
Also, you have to be on something to wear this:


I bet these actors hang their heads in shame.

Now some breakdancing! I wish I could find youtube clips for this. There's some Ron Jeremy looking guy with a mullet who looks like he's high, some Prince lookalike who looks like he just took a shitload of muscle relaxant, some scary black woman who just vibrates and does the robot, a fat guy with the most enormous upper arms I have ever seen, some scary Asian woman who looks like she's doing performance art, a frightening Steve Urkel lookalike who seriously just vibrates like he's seizing, and a bunch of slo-mo performers.

Yay, the black child! He's like 8 and he's honestly the best dancer of them all. Everyone's cheering and clapping, even the scary Bloods guys. I get the feeling that he's really famous in the over 20 crowd for his dancing skills, which is quite a feat. Although he just did this thing where he bounced along on his ass like a dog with worms, so that kind of detracts from his charm.

Now Chilly is at EZ's house (EZ is Darlene's brother) and he's raiding their fridge because he's a mooch. I don't blame him though. His mom's a crack whore, but there's more on that later. Darlene comes out of the bathroom in a towel and Chilly eyes her again like a rapist. Darlene comes into the kitchen and doesn't even see him standing there. She gets scared and he smiles in what I assume is supposed to be a charmingly cheeky way, but it just looks like the leer of a rapist.

PUT AWAY THE CHEST HAIR, LAMAS.

Chilly asks her out. I'm confused as to why these people are ostensibly out of school but they still live at home with their parents. Like, EVERYONE DOES.

Oh, dear Jesus, belly baring shirts on guys. Also, I think Chilly's outfit has to be seen to be believed:


Chilly is at some kind of corporate guy's office, but I'm not too sure who this guy is or why he's there. Now is when the movie gets confusing. Chilly wants this guy to manage him (as a graffiti artist, not a breakdancer). There are a bunch of weird sculptures in this office. Like some kind of black and white ribbon thing, a flower made of lightbulbs, and a weird, silver slinky thing.

Oh. OH! The corporate guy is opening a club and mentions on the phone to someone that he has to find dancers and DJs. AND CHILLY GETS A BRAINWAVE! This guy can hire the Body Rock Crew as entertainment!

So Chilly realizes he can't dance and goes to see the magical black kid. He has a little street stand called "Magick Dance" where he teaches you to dance for a buck. He's hilarious. Chilly's like, "teach me to dance" and the kid's like, "I don't show my magic moves to NO ONE." (Although, if he doesn't show his magic moves, why does he have a stand saying he WILL teach people magic moves? Oh, continuity.) I think I love this kid. Also, the sign looks like it says Magick Lance. See?



Extended dance sequence featuring the black child. I just don't know what went through the writer's mind. Like, "You know what this break dancing movie with a bunch of people in their twenties needs? An eight year old black break dancing prodigy!"

Now there's a shot of animals in the zoo? Why? It's Body Rock, I don't ask questions. The llama's cute, though.

These people are high to just go around to different places and dance.

I'm confused about something else. Chilly is just learning to breakdance NOW, but I thought he turns out to be the bestest dancer of them all. I just don't know.

Holy shit, frightening 300 pound black bouncer with a weird, graffitied shirt.

Lol, Chilly on Terence (the corporate guy): "I don't know, he's kind of funny-looking, I guess. He's got a big, jive-ass smile." Wtf does that mean?

Hey, I think the little black kid is the brother of the leader of the Bloods guys. Like the actual brother. That really strikes me as funny for some reason.

There's a strange cougar with weird eyebrows hitting on Chilly.

I think Chilly raps here. Please God. YES! I can't even describe how hilarious this is. I wish I could find a youtube vid. It just looks so awkward. That was the worst rap I have ever heard in my life. Now we have a bunch of fat dudes with mullets and weird clothes doing some of "peek a boo" dance move, I don't know. The black kid is dancing again. He really is awesome. The Bloods are all pounding their beers on the table in time to the music and generally looking badass.

This kid is amazing. I think he should have been nominated for an Oscar.

The Bloods just smashed beer bottles and two of them start...thumb wrestling? I don't know. Body Rock like, takes place in another dimension. It is just so far out of the realm of reality that it becomes AMAZING.

The people currently dancing make me uncomfortable.

The corporate people left and Chilly is sad.

Oh, the love music is swelling as Chilly is walking Darlene home (sorry, it's actually his house). Ha ha, we're in Chilly's home. The paint on the walls is peeling, the place looks messy and dirty. The chair is all ripped. His mom is sleeping. She's probably a crack whore sleeping off her high. There are sketchy looking stains on the ceiling. And weird pictures of scary cats on the walls. Chilly and Darlene start to kiss, and Mom knocks on the wall. Way to be a cockblock, Mom!

Darlene's shirt has numbers on it. I don't know why. In case she forgets what comes next?

This is the weirdest kiss I have ever seen.

I present to you, Chilly's strung out mom:


Terence calls. The Bloods insulted his entourage apparently. Theo (the leader of the Bloods) did something because he gets "excited when his little brother dances." Aww. Even gangsters have soft sides!

Chilly is wearing some kind of yellow felt monstrosity that shows off his hairy chest.

Dance sequence, and the guys are getting all sweaty. Gross.

Oh, Dear God. There are some glow in the dark skeleton dancers, and one guy with neon lipstick. I wish I was kidding:


This is such a masterpiece, I don't even have the words. I cannot fucking believe I own this movie. I thank Katherine every day for convincing me to buy it.

Lololol one of the skeleton dancers is the black kid and HE HAS HIS OWN LITTLE GROUPIE.

I don't even know where these people are right now. It doesn't look like Rhythm Nation. Maybe it's Terence's new club?

Chilly is in a limo with the corporate people. One girl says she wants to learn to dance and Chilly says it's hard for girls because they get tired easily. Sexist asshole.

The cougar has an amazing hairstyle. Chilly is at the cougar's apartment and the cougar keeps laughing at him, but I don't know why. She sits on the couch and puts her feet straight in the air. Why? It's Body Rock, I don't ask questions. She's now crawling on the top of the couch and trying to be sexy, I imagine. Now, it's the dance seduction sequence!

Sexy.

Chilly's wearing some crazy ass pleather black trench coat with his name graffitied on the back.
He also looks straight into the camera. BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL IS A NO NO, CHILLY. It also unexpectedly pushes this into post-modern territory.

Chilly tells his mom he has to move out because he has to be in a creative environment, around other artists. He is so artsy! Except that he's just mooching off of the cougar, who is now doing some weird dance moonwalk thing.

The camera lingers on Chilly fondling the cougar's ass for an overly long time, and yes, Chilly does this right in front of Terence. Classy.

I don't know why this guy is enamoured of Chilly. He hasn't really danced yet, that I can see. He rapped, but Terence didn't see that. And he didn't sing. Why is Terence signing him?

Chilly randomly starts freestyling really badly in a restaurant.

EZ gets mad because Chilly is jilting (to dispose of a lover callously) Darlene. Because he's been with the cougar. He's kind of an asshole. So Chilly goes to the hospital to apologize to Darlene. She's a nurse, or some such. Then it cuts to them overlooking the river in New York and everything is hunky dory. That was fast.

I want that trench coat for my own. Except it will say "Robin" on the back.

Uh oh. Chilly said his friends would be on the list but the bouncer isn't letting them in. All they have to do is pay the fifteen bucks, but they're really angry at that, for some reason. Well, they're all like 20 without jobs, so I guess they don't have money.

YES, CHILLY SINGS. There is a ginormous ball and a weird double helix looking thing on stage. Chilly also has a strange performing costume.

Yes, he has rhinestones on his face.
There are also some weird background dancers. Some cavewoman, a geisha, someone who resembles Babette from Gilmore Girls, and a black girl with Egyptian garb.
Okay, this is the creepiest song ever. It is called Smooth Talker and was co-written by Michael Sembello, of Maniac fame. It was also released as a single but didn't do very well. Lyrics:

Smooth Talker. Who do you think you are?
It's a hot situation in a physical relation and I'm harder than a rock.
I gotta hole in my pocket where I keep my rocket
And it shows in the way I walk.
Everybody's gotta have a lover, and you know I'm a dirty mutha.
I'm gonna stalk you like an animal and eat you like a cannibal
And make your body pay.
I'm the seventh son, the seventh one, and the sevens keep rollin my way.
Need to find somebody who needs me.
Need to find a little woman to please me.
Keep talkin like a smooth talker.

Now Chilly's at some weird party (subsequent research informs me that it's a gay bar, although this isn't very clear) with the cougar, and she's dancing and hanging all over this guy in a tux. Chilly slaps some guy who touches his precious pleather jacket. There are some guys who look like the gay guys drawn by Jack Chick. (Maybe this should have told me that they were in a gay bar ha ha ha.) The guy in the tux randomly kisses Chilly (probably the most WTF moment in a movie full of them) and Chilly punches him because he's so badass. And Chilly suddenly realizes who his real friends are, awww.

Turns out the guy in the tux is the owner of the club and is paying for Chilly's recording contract and Chilly hit him so he's backing out. This is my third time watching, and finally things are becoming clear. So Terence double crosses him and now Chilly can't use the name, "Body Rock Crew" anymore. I don't think it works like that.

Chilly [To Terence]: Tell me something. Did you ever care?
Are you two partners, or lovers here?

Chilly is all emo and looks at their vandalism and reminisces about the good old days when he would rap badly at Rhythm Nation and the black kid would dance for nickels and everything was good. Chilly goes to the cougar's house but she's wasted and is having a remarkable amount of trouble opening her door. I believe the chick who plays the cougar is a Broadway star. She has fallen far. I'm willing to bet her career never recovered.

Everything Chilly wears has his name on it. In case he forgets, I guess.
The cougar is stripping down and wants to sex it up with Chilly but Chilly suddenly has scruples and he leaves. Cut to the hospital. Darlene is pissed off. I think because she saw him with another girl. She's being remarkably passive aggressive right now.

Ha ha ha ha ha. They had to edit this down to PG-13, so the words coming out of Darlene's mouth are, "No, you just screw!" but her lips say, "No, you just fuck!"

Does everything have to turn into a dance sequence? The little kid is playing basketball with people like twice his age and he randomly starts dancing. Chilly is watching the game and is a contrast in his dark clothes. I wonder if it's some kind of symbol: Chilly loses his way and starts wearing black. I'm willing to bet that near the end, when he's with his friends again, he'll come out wearing some horrendous primary coloured ensemble.

AHHH, GINGER. And a scary clown. And a firebreather. What does this mean? Wtf is this, the apocalypse?

Scary vibrating black man.


It's like a circus sideshow. And there's Chilly, looking ominously at the camera again. There's a fourth wall in the direction you're looking, Chilly.

Now people are dancing in front of a bigass boombox. This is the "Rapstravaganza" that has been mentioned over and over and over but there's no rapping thus far. I don't think this movie needs so many dance sequences.

NO, NOT SMOOTH TALKER AGAIN, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

I have to admit, the dancing is kind of mesmerizing.

WAS I RIGHT OR WAS I RIGHT ABOUT THE SYMBOLISM? Chilly now has like, a white shirt and weird orange chaps or something, and orange suspenders. Wow. Points to Body Rock for an attempt at symbolism. Oh shit, I was wrong about his costume. It's BETTER than I imagined. It's like a white, purple, yellow, and blue jumpsuit thing. Chilly's like, manhandling the cougar now. Seriously, it looks like he's really hurting her. Chilly's shanghaiing the cougar's performance of Smooth Talker and Donald (the guy who kissed Chilly) looks mesmerized by Chilly. I think they have a future together. Never mind, he's telling the sound people to turn off the sound. This movie is confusing. For some reason every person that Chilly calls onstage (all guys) jump up and hug Chilly and Chilly like, carries them for a second. This homoeroticism makes me uncomfortable.

So every one of Chilly's old friends come onstage, except for EZ, who is still mad at Chilly. He leaves. I think Donald has finally succeeded in turning the sound off and he looks really smug/constipated. The people all start clapping because they love Chilly and I think they're attempting to do some weird rhythm thing so he can rap, but I really don't know. Donald looks like he's going to have an aneurysm. EZ's back. The crowd spontaneously starts rapping. Donald puts on...perfume? I don't know. Yay, the Bloods are here! I love them. Donald honestly is like coated in sweat. It's so gross. Chilly and Donald are having a stare down, and you know if Donald was on stage, they would be making out. Donald gives in and the music comes back. Dance break! EZ is happy now and comes on stage and a bunch of other strangely dressed people start dancing.

So then Darlene comes on stage with this crazy colourful dress on and Chilly starts spinning her and they make out really grossly again. Yay, happy ending. The end.

This movie is the best cracked out piece of shit I have ever seen in my life. I love it so much.