I'm The Goddamn Batman Issue #4

I have to say, this is the only recap of anything I've done where I actually looked forward to it. All the other ones have offended me deeply (cough TWILIGHT cough, and also Ghost) or else have just been so crappy (cough TROLL 2 cough) it was boring to get into. ASBAR is the perfect blend of suck, wtf, and entertainment. So kudos (I guess?) to Frank for that.

That said, this comic is bleeding into other aspects of my life. For example, I have a Batman placemat and now whenever I look at it I get this mild feeling of disgust in my stomach because it makes me think about Batman kidnapping little boys and making them eat rats. I hope this feeling will go away, otherwise I'm going to have to pick a new favourite superhero. Deadpool is probably the strongest contender.

I feel like I should put in a little sidebar about Ghost, since I mentioned it (and probably will again) so often. The review that started the John Ringo meme is here: http://hradzka.livejournal.com/194753.html. The review is a pretty entertaining read. I recapped Ghost for this blog awhile ago, and it remains the only one I couldn't finish. And I did all Twilight books AND The Host TWICE for this blog. Anyhoo, the review explains it better but basically the main character (Mike) is an ex-SEAL and his thing is that he treats women like sexual objects and has no problem with fucking underage girls and abused girls and regularly reflects on what an asshole he is, but does nothing to change his behaviour. This is a cheap copout because this way some people are forced into thinking Mike isn't a complete dickhead because he KNOWS what he's doing is wrong but no, he actually is a complete dickhead. I'm getting strong Mike vibes from Batman.

So for whatever reason, today's cover has Batman and Robin standing in the foreground with Alfred standing stoically a little behind them. There is a plane flying in the air and an inexplicable T-rex roaring in the background. I don't really know why.

So Vicki somehow ended up getting medical attention. I believe the last time we saw her she was swooning in Alfred's arms, but beyond that we didn't really know her fate. She starts flatlining. I'm still not actually clear what happened to her. Whether this is my fault or Frank's, I don't know. Like I said before, I'm too lazy to check.

So, not many images make me visibly reel, but this one sure did:

Look at that. LOOK AT THAT. WTF IS WRONG WITH BATMAN? HE LOOKS LIKE SOME KIND OF SERIAL KILLER ALS;KDFHASKDJHFSDF.

Fact: When you put on a mask, your pupils disappear.

I guess Robin's in shock, but he still doesn't seem too worried that he's been kidnapped by a crazy vigilante.

We learn from Batman's internal monologue that he's had his eye on Robin for months. Innocuous...or CREEPY? So many questions are left unanswered like, why exactly does Batman think he needs a sidekick? In ASBAR, Batman seems like the kind of dude who would rather bite off his own arm than ask for help, especially from a prepubescent circus performer, you know? It just seems so strange. I also find it strange that Batman kidnaps this kid with no explanation and then later forces him to wear a primary coloured uniform and fight crime. Is Batman acting out strange fantasies? The questions continue.

Frank Miller wrote Dark Knight Returns, which is widely held to be a comics masterpiece. So why does ASBAR have a strong stench of fanfiction? Maybe Frank's some kind of master of parody, but I just don't get it.

Meanwhile, Robin has found Batman's secret stash of Spice.

Oh hey, the T-rex lives in the batcave. Okay. The text boxes also inexplicably got really really small.

Batman, why are you so GODDAMN SCARY?

So you can't really see, but in this one Batman says something like, "Whatta ya say, Junior? Is this cool or what?" and Robin's like "..." and then he's like, "I guess it's okay, I've seen better" and Batman's internal monologue is like, "I don't think I like this kid. Not one bit."

I'm not a psychologist, but here are some troubling signs from Batman:

1. He inexplicably kidnaps a young boy and takes him to his home. This is clearly criminal behaviour.

2. He is briefly disgusted with his behaviour, but then thinks that he's doing the right thing. You know where else I saw the same behaviour from a lead male character? JOHN RINGO'S GHOST.

3. He displays elements of bipolar disorder. Sometimes he's a scary-ass mofo and then he inexplicably softens towards Robin and then back again.

4. He seems to crave approval and compliments from Robin, and gets angry when Robin doesn't oblige him. This is adolescent behaviour, troubling in an adult.

5. He seems to show no concern at all for his missing butler or date.

6. He seems very narcissistic.

Moving on.

I want an explanation for that T-rex.

So Vicki's not dead and Alfred is in the hospital. His care consists of band-aids stuck haphazardly to his face. There's a shot of someone being brought in on a gurney and I honestly thought it was a bear, like perhaps the shooter at the circus went and attacked the animals. But no, it's a person.

Why does Frank feel the need to reintroduce everyone a million times? We've seen "Dick Grayson. Aerialist. Age twelve" like 38 times, we've been told that Vicki Vale is a columnist at least three times, and now we're being introduced to Alfred for the second time. Despite the fact that anyone reading this comic is probably already a fan of Batman and already knows who Alfred is.

Batman is apparently a fan of Bach. I would have pegged him for a Beethoven fan.

Oh wait, Batman is actually showing concern (kinda) for someone other than himself. He tells Alfred to get in some doctor from Paris, despite the fact that Paris is about an eight hour flight. I know, I've been there.

"Mom. Dad. Their brains splashed all over my feet. (No, don't go there. Not now.)"

I could be wrong about this, but I don't think it's right to put monologue in parantheses.

Batman tells Alfred to call "that clown, Kent" in Metropolis, and Robin queries "What clown from Metropolis?" Take a wild guess, Robin.

So more internal monologue from Batman, which reveals that he knows that Clark Kent is Superman but Clark doesn't know that Bruce Wayne is Batman, and then Batman insults Superman's intelligence. Superman is apparently part Jesus, as he is suddenly walking on water with what appears to be the Titanic in the background.

Does young Bruce Wayne here not resemble a male Sumara from The Ring?

Anyway, Robin asked for a new outfit because his tights "blow chunks." I'm with him there. I wouldn't want to wear spandex 24/7.

Batman goes off to get Robin some new clothes, and I'm a little frightened as to what he'll bring back. Robin is essentially held hostage in the batcave.

Let's talk about capes for a second: Do they serve any purpose? They could get caught on stuff or villains could grab them so the heroes couldn't escape, the list goes on.

I'm going to be honest here: I couldn't stop staring at this picture for the longest time. It's mesmerizing in the way that Body Rock is mesmerizing: It's so wtf that I CAN'T LOOK AWAY.

Meanwhile, Superman is running on water towards the Titanic with a car over his head. Where did the car come from in the ocean? I don't know. I don't ask.

Up till now, I had no trouble keeping up in this issue. But now Batman is in a random building, talking to random people about some random trial, and I really don't know what's happening.

Fact: "Crunch" is now spelled with a "K".

Remember when I said I was scared of what Batman would bring back for Robin? It's because someone dressed him in silk pajamas while he was sleeping. Undressed him. While he was sleeping. And put him in SILK PAJAMAS. This is so sketchy, I cannot even tell you.

Alfred brings a burger and fries for Robin and Batman flips out because he thinks Robin should have to eat rats. Alfred, in a pretty badass move considering he's pissing off friggin BATMAN stands up to him and says that he's not Batman's slave.

Where exactly is Gotham City that hoards of bats randomly fly around in flocks?

That's the end of issue #4. You know, despite the things I've heard, it's not godawful. It's nowhere near the awfulness of say, Troll 2. And God knows I don't want to ENDORSE this comic because it's batshit, but, dare I say it, I'm kind of enjoying the WTFery. I'm not sure what this says about me.