Breaking Dawn Chapters 8-12

Okay, so apparently my lack of sleep is playing tricks on my brain, because I thought I did two chapters on Friday but it appears that I didn't. So that one will be added in with this recap, and I'm too lazy to go back and change it. So yeah. Also, I was control f'ing "waiting for" to find this chapter (Waiting For the Damn Fight to Start Already) and it highlighted stuff AT LEAST six times before I got to where I wanted to be. Apparently there's a lot of waiting in this book.

Book 2: Jacob
Chapter 8- Waiting For The Damn Fight To Start Already

First, the chapter titles are super emo and I swear I didn't make them up. Second, I'm not sure how I feel about the POV change. Like, Bella's whiny and bitchy and everything, but Jacob's a douchebag. I am between a rock and a hard place here. But I won't judge until I read.

Since when does Jacob have a sister? I HATE how Smeyer adds random people and never bothers to flesh them out. Hell, she doesn't even bother to flesh out characters she's had since book one.
His nose made a very satisfying crunching sound of its own when my fist connected. He tried to grab me, but I danced out of the way before he could find a hold, the ruined bag of Doritos in my left hand. "You broke my nose, idiot."

He sounds really offhand about it. Like, "Hey, Jacob, what's for dinner! By the way, you broke my nose, idiot."

I stood there for a second, and then I stalked off to my room, muttering about
alien abductions.
Why? I honestly don't understand this non sequitur.

I wondered – would a bullet through my temple actually kill me or just leave a really big mess for me to clean up?
Again, why is he saying this?

I threw myself down on the bed. I was tired – hadn't slept since my last patrol –
Lololol I thought this said "hadn't slept since my last period." I was like, "whoa..." And rereading, I DID IT AGAIN.

I love how the vampires are beautiful, smart, strong, fast, white, and rich, and the werewolves are like, poor Indians.

I think I like Bella's POV better. She's a whiny bitch but she gives me lots of lulz. I don't want to spend like, a hundred pages or whatever listening to Jacob angst about someone that's not even worth it.

I can't get on this imprinting thing. I just can't. Especially Quil/Claire. It just squicks me out.
"Gone, gone, gone," Claire sang, "Cwaire pway wid Qwilaaaawl day. Cwaire nebber gowin home." She let go of me and ran to Quil. He scooped her up and slung her onto his shoulders.
Okay Smeyer. That's totally not diabetes inducing cutesy enough. I think Smeyer and Jack Chick should get together and talk about how to portray children.

Though I did think it sucked that he had a good fourteen years of monkitude
ahead of him until Claire was his age – for Quil, at least, it was a good thing
werewolves didn't get older. But even all that time didn't seem to bother him
much.
Why? Why did she add in the imprinting thing? Despite the fact that it is totally male-centric, I could be on board with it, or at least be indifferent to it, if these people weren't imprinting on toddlers that they would fuck when they were older.

"Sorry, Claire-bear. How about this pretty purple one?"
Okay, I know "Claire bear" is probably a fairly common nickname for people named Claire, but still...HEROES HAD IT FIRST.

"I bet she'd understand. You know, when she's grown up. She wouldn't get mad
that you had a life while she was in diapers."
I just...argh. I know she's only two and everything, but in imprinting, the girl gets no choice about ANYTHING, and she's just supposed to let "her true love" go off and date whoever he wants, but SHE has to wait for him and have only him. ASD;LKJFSAFJK.
"I can't see it," he said in a low voice. "I can't imagine. I just don't... see anyone that way. I don't notice girls anymore, you know. I don't see their faces."
Maybe he has prosopagnosia. Hell, it's not like there's a lack of OTHER undiagnosed disorders here. Bella has like, a mental disorder where she always has to rely on other people to do everything, Edward has some kind of sociopathic disorder/bipolar disorder, and Jacob also displays evidence of sociopathic tendencies.
"Put that together with the tiara and makeup, and maybe Claire will have a different kind of competition to worry about."
That's actually kind of funny.

Okay. I can see this telepathy no quotation marks thing is going to get old pretty fast. Cormac McCarthy, you are not, Smeyer. At least pull a KA Applegate and put the little HTML arrows around the thoughts.

And yet more characters added that we don't care about and probably won't hear about later.

Okay, let's talk about Leah for a sec. I don't know whether to hate her or not. She is the only female werewolf, and is constantly on the lookout for sexist remarks and is always competing to be the best. This is annoying for obvious reasons. However, her character is actually kind of realistic. It IS hard being the only female in a male dominated field, and I'm sure many females are very competitive to be seen as equal. In Michael Crichton's (RIP) Sphere, the character of Beth was like this: extreme feminist, competitive, extremely sensitive to anything even remotely sexist. And Leah is the only badass female character (other than Jane) in the book, so I feel like I should like her out of solidarity with the female race. So right now I'm neutral, until Leah does or says something to convince me otherwise.

Also...why don't those two get together in the end? I can see them like, wrecking houses and then making out, a la Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

I don't know what are thoughts and what is narration anymore.

I don't like the lack of quotation marks. My inner editor is going CRAZY.

So there's a few pages of the werewolves arguing, but to sum it up, Sam isn't going to attack the Cullens because they don't know if they've broken the treaty but Jake is thinking of acting alone.

Chapter 9- Sure As Hell Didn't See That One Coming
He laughed his rumbling laugh. "My arms are tired. I pushed myself all the way here from Sue's." "It's downhill. You coasted the whole way."
I think when no one's looking, Billy does like, extreme wheelchair sports. It's not like he ever does anything but gives sage advice to Jacob.

Turns out Jacob has two sisters that we have never about until now.

Reading this, I just imagine nuttymadam3575 going, "AMAAAAAAAZING BUUUUUUUUUUUK!" I think I need a GIF of her.

Anyhoo, Jacob is going over to the Cullens.
"Er, Jacob, it's not really the best time." The doctor seemed uncomfortable, too, but not in the way I expected. "Could we do this later?" I stared at him, dumbfounded. Was he asking to post-pone the death match for a more convenient time?
Lol, that's actually funny. Can you IMAGINE going over to your mortal enemy's house, all raring for a death match and it has the potential to be epic, and he's like, "eh, today's not good for me. Some other time?" Also, why is Jacob just going to their front door? "Hey, Edward, let's go kill each other. I don't care if your whole family knows."

So Jacob comes in to see Bella and Rosalie is hovering over her, all protective. This is what the lovely Stoney321 says about it:

"And guess who loves her most of all? Rosalie! Because she can be a helpmate to the mother, a foot soldier to Bella's general in the war on childlessness, as she never will get that joy on earth and she's just happy to be nominated. Er, a mother to others. But hang on, Rosalie! In the afterlife you'll get to have all sorts of babies. In the meantime, you need to be there for the woman who isn't broken, the one that can HAVE babies. She is your queen, BOW TO HER."
Taken from http://stoney321.livejournal.com/319735.html.
Seriously, it's hilarious.

Now it's Edward's turn to be catatonic, yay. Although why is it that THE ONLY TIME Bella is strong and confident is when her child is concerned? More anti-feminist stereotypical woman stuff.

Edward and Jacob are going outside to chat.
"Just back up a second. She won'tlet you." The sarcasm was acid on my tongue. "Did you ever notice that she's exactly as strong as a normal hundred-and-tenpound human girl? How stupid are you vamps? Hold her down and knock her out with drugs."
Sometimes Jacob makes me happy. But they can't sedate her because Rosalie won't let them, for aforementioned reasons.
"I never dreamed. There's never been anything like Bella and I before."
Bella...and ME, goddammit. Not I. Me. How did this rudimentary grammar mistake get past an English major AND an editor? Sometimes I despair for the future of the human race.
"Even you, Jacob Black, cannot hate me as much as I hate myself."
Honestly? I can't take the self pity and self loathing anymore. It makes me want to kill myself and others.

Okay, wow. Remember how I stated before how I loved the creator of this e-book? I think I've imprinted on them because they're so AWESOME. Check it:
I clenched my teeth together hard. "I did everything I could to keep her away from you. Every single thing. It's too late." —to apologize, it’s too laaaate.

The last part was added into the e-book. You would not believe how much I laughed.
"I don't care about anything but keeping her alive," he said, suddenly focused now. "If it's a child she wants, she can have it. She can have half a dozen babies. Anything she wants." He paused for one beat. "She can have puppies, if that's what it takes."
And then the rage just comes flying back. He's pimping Bella out to his mortal enemy. Like she's just some blow up doll capable of procreation. Also, I guess adoption never occurred to him? Or like, anonymous sperm donation?
I couldn't think about what he was suggesting. It was too much. Impossible. Wrong. Sick. Borrowing Bella for the weekends and then returning her Monday morning like a rental movie? So messed up. So tempting.
DEAR GOD. Remember how I said sometimes I loved Jacob? Sometimes I really hate him, as well. I CAN'T TAKE THE DISPARITY.
I tried to escape the venomous weed in my mind. "Make Bella see sense? What universe do you live in?"
And now I kind of love him again. Also, I saw the word "changed" and somehow in my mind I pronounced it as "clanged" except without an "l" and with an added "h". My mind works in mysterious ways.
"Help me stop it," he whispered. "Help me stop this from happening." "How?By offering my stud services?"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Also, I can imagine Jacob in like, a Chippendale outfit with black dress pants and a bowtie.

Chapter 10- Why Didn't I Just Walk Away? Oh Right, Because I'm An Idiot.

Those long chapter titles really amp up your word count (almost missed the "o" in that word. That could have been disastrous) don't they, Smeyer? Also, I'm not sure if chapter titles should be two sentences long. Not everything has to a Fallout Boy song.
Her face turned a grayish pale, and I could see what he meant about the stress making her feel worse.
Grayish pale is an oxymoron. Also I think the word you're looking for is "ashen" but hey, why use one word when two will do?

Which reminds me. In the sage words of George Orwell:

(i) Never use a metaphor, simile, or other figure of speech which you are used to seeing in print.

(ii) Never us a long word where a short one will do.

(iii) If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out.

(iv) Never use the passive where you can use the active.

(v) Never use a foreign phrase, a scientific word, or a jargon word if you can think of an everyday English equivalent.

(vi) Break any of these rules sooner than say anything outright barbarous.

But whatever. George Orwell only wrote some of the most influential books of the 20th century, but you go ahead and piss all over his advice, Smeyer.

"Did you know that I told you so' has a brother, Jacob?" she asked, cutting me off. "His name is 'Shut the hell up." "Good one." She grinned at me. Her skin stretched tight over the bones. "I can't take credit – i got it off a rerun of The Simpsons"

Should have known that she couldn't say anything even semi-witty.

I did know this – every second I spent with her was only going to add to the pain I would have to suffer later. Like a junkie with a limited supply, the day of reckoning was coming for me. The more hits I took now, the harder it would be when my supply ran out.

That's the second time she's been compared to drug use. Okay? Is that supposed to be flattering?

Bella babbles on about magic and faith.

"Carlisle only changed them because it was that or death. He doesn't end lives, he saves them."

I'm not altogether comfortable with the mercy vamping thing. It's like the fundies' view where there is no grey. Everything is black and white. Carlisle's actions, according to Smeyer, are black and white: he saved them from death. But couldn't immortality ALSO be a kind of death? I have NEVER wanted to live forever and watch my friends and family die. Eventually I would think that you would be so sick of life that you would just drift around, existing without living. These people get no choice at all, and suddenly they're these immortal beings with a thirst for blood. I would not be happy with Carlisle. I would be PISSED at him. I wish Twilight would stop painting him as some kind of super good saviour and at least acknowledge the possibility that what he did was wrong.

Also, the baby is bruising her from the inside out.

"Oh. Ugh.Please, Jacob. You think I should kill my baby and replace it with some
generic substitute?"

So...does she only want the baby because it's different and special, or...?

Oh, THE SQUICK.

So Jacob makes the offer that he will sex her up if she gets rid of the baby, but she doesn't take it, natch. So he leaves and all the werewolves are furious.

The werewolves are all, "we have to kill the baby!" despite the fact that a) None of them care about Bella, really, b) The baby isn't a threat to them, and c) Vampire spawn isn't covered in the treaty, ergo, it's not their problem.

I'm confused. Sometimes the thoughts of the werewolves aren't marked in any way, and sometimes they're italicized. I don't know if this is just my e-book or if the actual book is like this.

Do the werewolves have PROOF that this baby is so dangerous? They're assuming it will be like a vampire, despite the fact that it has human blood as well. Didn't they think of the possibility that it might just be a really strong human? How did Sam get to be an Alpha if he is so impetuous?

He'd left the easiest targets for the younger wolves and Leah. Of course the little woman can never do anything strenuous. It's baffling to me reading such a misogynistic book WRITTEN BY A WOMAN.

Anyhoo, Sam is all "YOU MUST FIGHT" and no one can disobey the Alpha. Like they literally can't. Nice to know that free will is such an overarching theme of these books.

Chapter 11- The Two Things At The Very Top Of My Things-I-Never-Want-To-Do List

I'm fading fast. Good thing there are only two more chapters left.

Jake,Embry warned.Keep your head in the game. You gotta getcha getcha getcha getcha HEAD IN THE GAME!

Oh, deus ex machina time. Jacob is supposed to be the Alpha (can't remember why) and no one can dispute the Alpha's decision...except for him. And he goes and tells Sam that he's not going (And I'm telling youuuuuuu that I'm not goiiiiiiiing!) and Sam freaks out and Jacob leaves the pack.

Anyhoo, Seth follows Jacob and they have their own little mini pack.

Pius, there're only eight of them now. He's talking to the pope? Just kidding, it was an e-book typo.

Maybe we should be thinking something like,'We come in peace."
Go for it
Edward?He called the name tentatively.Edward, you there? Okay, now I feel
kinda stupid.
You sound stupid, too. Hee. I think I love Seth.

So Seth and Jacob go to warn the Cullens. And they randomly start calling Jasper "Jazz" even though THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE IN THE OTHER THREE BOOKS.

Chapter 12- Some People Just Don't Grasp the Concept of "Unwelcome"

I know a few people like that Jacob.

And now Leah has left the pack to join Jacob and Seth.

She was unhappy about this, but she was also riding some weird high. I don't understand this. Like, did she do a line off a stripper's body and then come join their pack?

Ugh, Leah, you ruin everything!
Yeah, I know,she told him, and the thought was loaded with the heaviness of her
despair.
I felt the pain in the three little words, and it was more than I would've guessed. I
didn't want to feel that. I didn't want to feel bad for her. Sure, the pack was rough
on her, but she brought it all on herself with the bitterness that tainted her every
thought and made being in her head a nightmare.

And again, the women are a nuisance and also self-loathing. Also, she only left to get rid of Sam because of that embarrassing "Sam imprinted on someone else" thing.

Bella's going to die. What's stopping Carlisle from vamping her? It's not like has compunctions in that arena.

I keep thinking of the bruises on Bella's stomach and feeling sick. No WONDER everyone hated this book.

The fetus is stealing Bella's nutrition, like a tapeworm, and they're both starving.

Whee, SCIENCE.

"Did you study chromosomal pairs?"
"Think so. We have twenty-three, right?"
"Humans do."
I blinked. "How many do you have?"
"Twenty-five."
I frowned at my fists for a second. "What does that mean?"
"I thought it meant that our species were almost completely different. Less related
than a lion and a house cat."

Or you know, a kid with Down's Syndrome and a kid without Down's syndrome. If they can procreate (which I'm pretty sure they can) then I think you can, Carlisle.

Carlisle coughed self-consciously. "You have twenty-four pairs, Jacob." Like a kid with Down's Syndrome?

The fetus wants...BLOOD!

"I'm not here as a donor, Bells," I grumbled. "'Sides, it's human blood that thing's
after, and I don't think mine applies – " This is the second time I've mistaken a word (applies) for nipples. There is something wrong with me.