Breaking Dawn Preface, Chapters 1 and 2

ROFL, I love whoever made this e-book. On the first page it says "Breaking Dawn by Stephenie "Cockblock" Meyer.

Okay, it's getting to the point where I'm just so sick of these books. Like, the first three (The Host, New Moon, and Eclipse) I LOVED doing because I love to snark but now I'm over it and Breaking Dawn is 836 pages and it's just so DAUNTING and I don't know if I can take the stupidity anymore.

Preface
Okay, Smeyer is such an idiot. Taken from dictionary.com:
Preface:

1.	a preliminary statement in a book by the book's author or editor, setting forth its purpose and scope, expressing acknowledgment of assistance from others, etc.

The things that she is using in her books are not prefaces. A preface is a note FROM AN AUTHOR. What she is using is a PROLOGUE. How did this shit get past an editor?

Anyhooloo, the PROLOGUE is about Bella angsting about loving someone who wants to kill her? I DON'T KNOW.

Chapter 1- Engaged

WTF is up with these quotes that have absolutely nothing to do with the story? There's a quote about childhood and then we read about how Bella can't drive her car. What? Look, I don't know.

Bella has some kind of fancy car and an unlimited credit card, everyone loves said car, she can't drive said car, she whines about getting married.

A good character sacrifices something. It makes them a better, more real character, and makes them grow as a person. Has Bella ever sacrificed anything? It could be argued that she sacrifices her humanity, but as she doesn't really care, that's not sacrificing at all. Bella gets everything she wants and stuff she doesn't: unlimited money, acceptance into a great college, her perfect guy, a loving, adoptive family, and yet she gives up nothing.

Bella goes on and on about this car and how she hates people staring at her and stuff. Like, are we supposed to feel sorry that her boyfriend buys her big fancy cars? I don't get it.

But more than that, I just couldn't reconcile a staid, respectable,
dull concept like husband with my concept of Edward. It was like casting
an archangel as an accountant; I couldn't visualize him in any commonplace
role. I'm not advocating thesaurus rape here but...can she please use another descriptor OTHER than angel? This is pissing me off.

"I miss my truck," I whimpered to myself. Boo hoo hoo, little bitch. OMG MY LIFE IS SO HARD MY BOYFRIEND BUYS ME FANCY CARS PITY ME. Also, it's implied that Edward broke her car so he could buy her a new one. Okay, not creepy at all.

"Of course not. You could roll a tank over this baby. Not much of a market for
one over here. Designed for Middle East diplomats, arms dealers, and drug lords
mostly." Yeah, okay.

Oh good God. He's buying her a second car WHAT?

The best parts about being a Cullen were not expensive cars and impressive
credit cards. So would the best part then be involvement in an abusive relationship?

Also, Jacob disappeared.

"Hello?" Seth Clearwater answered, and I sighed in relief. I was way too chicken
to speak to his older sister, Leah. The phrase "bite my head off" was not entirely a
figure of speech when it came to Leah. Okay, I hated Leah in Eclipse but maybe she'll get more badass in this book. I'm liking her a little more. Anyone who hates Bella is a friend of mine!

Whee, Jacob's in Canada!

"Somewhere in northern Canada. I can't tell you which province. He doesn't pay
much attention to state lines." Fuck. You. They're PROVINCE lines, you dumb shit. She should be on Talking to Americans. Also, Jacob's not coming home.

I think I love Seth. Yes, finally someone to genuinely like.

"We'd like to talk to you," Edward said, so serene. "We have some good news."
Okay, so they're getting ready to tell Charlie about the marriage. Edward just completely takes over and SAYS THE COMPLETELY WRONG THINGS. He hasn't had a real parent for a hundred years. This bugs me, when they have to break stuff to Charlie and Edward does everything. Bella knows her father and probably knows how to handle him. Plus, she's HIS DAUGHTER. Edward is not his son, so he has no right to have this discussion. Bella shouold be talking to him.

There was a long pause. After a moment, I realized everyone was waiting forme
to say something. I looked up at Edward, panic-stricken. There was no way I was
going to get the words out.
He smiled at me and then squared his shoulders and turned to my father.
"Charlie, I realize that I've gone about this out of order. Traditionally, I should
have asked you first. I mean no disrespect, but since Bella has already said yes
and I don't want to diminish her choice in the matter, instead of asking you for
her hand, I'm asking you for your blessing. We're getting married, Charlie. I love
her more than anything in the world, more than my own life, and – by some
miracle – she loves me that way, too. Will you give us your blessing?"

LA;KSDFHASDFH;L EDWARD SHOULDN'T BE TELLING CHARLIE THIS. Also, "I don't want to diminish her choice in the matter". Seriously? Didn't you basically force her into this? ASLKFADSKJFADSF

I held my breath while his skin changed colors – fair to red, red to purple, purple
to blue. I started to get up – I'm not sure what I planned to do; maybe use the Heimlich maneuver to make sure he wasn't choking – but Edward squeezed my hand and murmured "Give him a minute" so low that only I could hear.

First, there are some tense problems in there. Second, IT'S REVERSE ABDOMINAL THRUSTS, BITCH.

"We're going away to Dartmouth together in the fall, Charlie," Edward reminded
him. "I'd like to do that, well, the right way. It's how I was raised." He shrugged. Lololol okay, WHAT? This doesn't make sense. It's like, "oh hey, I'm going to university with some randoms that I hardly know but I went to school with. I want to do that THE RIGHT WAY. By getting married!" Like, how does "going to school together" necessarily mean "marriage"?

And other than his face turning colours, Charlie is pretty okay with this but just thinks it's funny that they have to tell Renee.

"Well, Bella," Renee had said after I'd choked and stuttered out the impossible
words: "I'm marrying Edward." Im a little miffed that you waited so long
to tell me. Plane tickets only get more expensive. Oooh," she'd fretted. "Do you
think Phil's cast will be off by then? It will spoil the pictures if he's not in a tux – "
"Back up a second, Mom." I'd gasped. "What do you mean, waited so long? I just
got en-en . . ." – I'd been unable to force out the word engaged – "things settled,
you know, today."
"Today? Really? Thatis a surprise. I assumed ..."
"What did you assume?When did you assume?"
"Well, when you came to visit me in April, it looked like things were pretty much
sewn up, if you know what I mean. You're not very hard to read, sweetie. But I
didn't say anything because I knew it wouldn't do any good. You're exactly like
Charlie." She'd sighed, resigned. "Once you make up your mind, there is no reasoning
with you. Of course, exactly like Charlie, you stick by your decisions, too."

Okay, what? Periodically through the three books we hear about how Renee hates getting married young and Bella's been raised to hate marriage and whatnot and now she's like, "oh okay, whatever...WILL PHIL HAVE HIS CAST OFF BY THEN?" And THEN she's like, "When you came to visit me, I could tell you were going to get married." Okay, who looks at their eighteen year old daughter and boyfriend and is like, "oh, they're going to get married, probably pretty soon." Like this novel is just full of wtfery, I don't even know.

Edward's family and my family were taking care of
the nuptials together without my having to do or know or think too hard about
any of it. Of course Bella wouldn't actually have to do anything. Does she ever? And of course her parents would be completely okay. I mean, why insert conflict into this book AT ALL?

Charlie was furious, of course, but the sweet part was that he wasn't furious
atme. I don't understand what she means by sweet here. Does she means sweet like, "revenge is sweet"? or like, "sweet, dude, awesome!" or like, sweet like "oh, he's so sweet!" I don't understand.

Alice made Charlie dress in a tux.
"She's right, Dad. You look fabulous! What's the occasion?"
What the fuck do you think is the occasion you dumbass? You're getting married in like a day.

Chapter 2- Long Night

Sometimes it was so easy to forget that I was kissing a vampire. Not because he
seemed ordinary or human – I could never for a second forget that I was holding
someone more angel than man in my arms –

Aren't vampires supposed to be evil? Aren't they supposed to have no souls? Aren't they supposed to be like demons? SO WHY IN THE HELL IS HE SO ANGELIC? Settle, Robin. Think of vampires you love: Thomas, Dracula, Henry Fitzroy (yum), the one played by Luke Wilson, the dude from Family Matters who tragically died, Jon Bon Jovi, and...done.

But I knew the smell of my blood still
caused him pain – still burned his throat like he was inhaling flames. Wait, wait...didn't he just "get over that" in Eclipse? CONTINUITY IS YOUR FRIEND, SMEYER!

Someone please explain to me why it is sexy to have piss coloured eyes? I really want to know. I mean, Azazel had yellow eyes and they weren't hot. They were disconcerting and weird.

Oh wow. Edward has a bachelor party. I can just imagine him with a stripper. Like that crazy one from How I Met Your Mother and I can just see him sitting in a chair like, trying to imperceptibly move backwards and he has his head in the air and he's wrinkling his nose like he's smelling something bad.

I never got over the shock of how perfect his body was – white, cool, and polished as marble.
I ran my hand down his stone chest now, tracing across the flat planes of his
stomach, just marveling. A light shudder rippled through him, and his mouth
found mine again. Carefully, I let the tip of my tongue press against his glasssmooth
lip, and he sighed. His sweet breath washed – cold and delicious – over
my face. Okay Smeyer. By now, many of us HAVE become immune to Edward's fabulosity, so you can stop DESCRIBING HIM IN NAUSEATING DETAIL EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN TIME HIS NAME SHOWS UP.

Edward had spent most of his life rejecting any kind of physical gratification. HA HA HA HA HA.

"Wait," I said, gripping his shoulders and hugging myself close to him. I kicked
one leg free and wrapped it around his waist. "Practice makes perfect." Lol slut. It's like LOLWUT, but not.

"I don't mean the wedding – which I am positive you will survive despite your qualms – but afterward... what about Renee, what about Charlie?"
I sighed. "I'll miss them." Worse, that they would miss me, but I didn't want to
give him any fuel.
"Angela and Ben and Jessica and Mike."
"I'll miss my friends, too." I smiled in the darkness. "Especially Mike. Oh, Mike!
How will I go on?"
He growled.
I laughed but then was serious. "Edward, we've been through this and through
this. I know it will be hard, but this is what I want. I want you, and I want you
forever. One lifetime is simply not enough for me."

"Oh, you know, I'm just giving up my life, my family, and my friends, but who cares when I can be with YOU? Why have any conflict in these books at all? Why have sacrifice? I mean, the conflict and sacrifice is what made Harry Potter awesome, but whatever." Like wtf is she on? Acid?

"Oh Bella, I don't want you to give up your life. You might want CHILDREN." Having children is not the most important thing for a woman. Also, I'm Bella's age and am ALSO sure that I never want children.

"Not in that sense. I've been waiting a century to marry you, Miss Swan. The
wedding ceremony is the one thing I can't wait – " He broke off mid-thought.
"Oh, for the love of all that's holy!" Still not swearing, huh buddy? But I expected more from you. I expected AT LEAST a "dang". Shit, I have to get SOMETHING out of these books!

There was a squeal against the window – someone deliberately scraping their
steel nails across the glass to make a horrible, cover-your-ears, goose-bumpsdown-
your-spine noise. I shuddered.
"If you don't send Edward out," Emmett – still invisible in the night – hissed
menacingly, "we're coming in after him!" Whee, Emmett! This love for Emmett is inexplicable, much like Maria's love for The Omen and Emily Gilmore. It almost rivals my love for Doggett (But not quite. How can you beat "You're supposed to say, 'what nannycam'" SMASH).

Shit, this bachelor party sucks. They're going HUNTING like what the hell? I expected a strip club AT LEAST. Maybe some gambling.

I was aware that most of my fears were stupid – I just had to get over myself. Seriously? You're just realizing this now?

Bella's worrying about the Denali clan and the werewolves being in the same place. Tanya made a move on Edward and Bella's all like, "I WILL NEVER MEASURE UP TO HER". Just shut up, okay? Seriously, no one cares.

Denali clan: Tanya, Kate (Who I think I love. You'll be seeing more of her), Irina (friends with Laurent, hates the werewolves for killing him), Carmen, and Eleazar. Tanya's mom created a baby vampire and was killed by the Volturi. I have no idea why we're hearing this story right now. The Volturi had to kill all the babyvamps because they were incapable of keeping the secret (not to mention, who the FUCK wants to take care of a two year old for an eternity? Not me) and covens fought to protect them and lots of people died blah blah blah.

This is actually one aspect that is actually intriguing. Like, what DOES happen when a little kid becomes a vampire? Obviously they don't age. They never mature. That would be an awful thing to deal with.

Bella dreams about a scary babyvamp sitting on the bodies of her friends and families. Ominous! Or as some people say, omnious!