Breaking Dawn Chapters 3 and 4

Edit: YES! It has taken months, but I HAVE MY FIRST TWITARD! Their comment says something like, "This is the most idiotic, whiny, and stupid thing I have ever read. You obviously don't understand the book too well". This is written on my first New Moon recap.
First, wow. If someone was going to insult me I would want it to be more creative. Also, it sure takes A LOT OF INTELLIGENCE to understand blank pages and a purple prose-y, badly written, cliched novel about a love triangle involving vampires that aren't vampires and werewolves that aren't actually werewolves. Yup, you got me there. I don't understand it at all.
Now, back to your regularly scheduled recap.

Chapter 3- Big Day

"You're picking up Mr. Weber at three o'clock," I reminded him.
Oh good God. Only a select few will know why that freaks me out.

"You think you have it bad," I said, grimacing as I rose. "Alice will be working on
me all day long." THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! ZING! Tip your waitress!

Charlie nodded thoughtfully, conceding that he did have the lesser ordeal. Oh poor Bella. Her best friend wants to do her makeup and hair and buys her shit and just loves helping her and BOO HOO HOO YOUR LIFE IS SO HARD.

Alice's short black hair was not in its usual spiky do – it was smoothed into sleek
pin curls around her pixie face, which wore a contrastingly businesslike expression. I'm so confused. First of all, it's "smoothed" into "curls". Oxymoron much? And if she has short hair it a) can't be curled (well I guess it can, but I think her hair is too short, the way it's been described), or b) frame her face.

It was after lunchtime when Rosalie glided past the bathroom door in a shimmery
silver gown with her golden hair piled up in a soft crown on top of her head.
She was so beautiful it made me want to cry. What was even the point of dressing
up with Rosalie around? I don't know if I can take the self pity anymore. Seriously. Does Smeyer honestly think that's an attractive character trait?

I floundered around in my head, trying to remember how to
close it. Oh, the mental images. This is like, the stupidest descriptive sentence I have ever read in my life.

She flicked something at me. I held my hands out automatically, and the filmy
white garter landed in my palms.
"That's mine and I want it back," Alice told me.
I blushed.
Wow, a garter. So blush-inducing.

While Charlie was out of the room, Alice hooked the garter out of my hands and
then ducked under my skirt. I gasped and tottered as her cold hand caught my
ankle; she yanked the garter into place.
Has she ever done anything by herself? I mean, she has to be carried, she has to have someone put the garter on for her, she needs Alice to open presents for her...GODDAMMIT THIS PISSES ME OFF.

I was barely conscious that Carlisle stood by his side, and Angela's father behind
them both. Why the hell is Angela's dad there? Has he even INTERACTED with the Cullens, ever?

I touched the cool miracle of his skin, and I was home. The cool miracle of his skin? What?

He began the kiss, and he had to end it; I clung to him, ignoring the titters and
the throat-clearing in the audience. Lol I can just imagine how awkward this would be. Also, duh, the church kiss is NOT supposed to be the slutty kiss! Save that for the reception. Classy couple, here.

Aww, and Seth goes to hug her! I think I love him.

Chapter 4- Gesture

"The Cullens are all evened up in numbers now. Perhaps it will be our turn next,
eh, Kate?" She grinned at the blonde.
"Keep the dream alive," Kate said with a roll of her golden eyes.

Whee, KATE. She's sardonic and funny and I think I love her. I'm just glad that if Smeyer had to steal one of my character's names it would be for someone I actually like.

Emmett and Jasper howled with laughter at my blush while Edward removed my borrowed garter– which I'd shimmied down nearly to my ankle – verycarefully with his teeth.
With a quick wink at me, he shot it straight into Mike Newton's face.
Okay SERIOUSLY. If the garter was almost to her ankle, why would she blush when it was taken off? If it was at her thigh, maybe. Also, I love Emmett and Jasper. Those two need their own spinoff, seriously. MAKE THAT HAPPEN, STEPHENIE.

And when the music started, Edward pulled me into his arms for the customary
first dance; I went willingly, despite my fear of dancing – especially dancing in
front of an audience – just happy to have him holding me.
I wonder what song their first dance is. Probably something cliche and country by Shania Twain.

Edward and Esme spun around us like Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. Okay, I get what she was trying to do here, but comparing a mother and son to a couple is a little Freudian and a lot creepy.

"Have you had a chance to look at yourself?"
"Urn. No, I guess not. Why?"
Why in the world is she talking about urns? Ha ha ha ha what's a Grecian urn? About five bucks! Oh, lordy. This seems to be a post for bad jokes. Also, I don't understand how she doesn't look in a mirror ever. She didn't at prom, grad, or her wedding. Does she not care how she looks?

Before I could blink and make the beauty turn back into me, Edward suddenly
stiffened and turned automatically in the other direction, as if someone had
called his name. LOLOLOL I'll BET he stiffened! Oh, the innuendo.

"Noweveryone I love is here."
I felthis lips brush my hair. "SorryI'm late, honey."
Someone kill me. Bella twists the knife in deeper and Jacob calls her honey. That's what you call your DAUGHTER, or like, the person you've been married to for twenty years. Not your friend.

He left one hand on the small of my back and grabbed my right hand with the other. He cradled our hands to his chest; I could feel his heart beat under my palm, and I guessed that he hadn't placed my hand there accidentally. How in the world would that happen accidentally? "Oh oops, I just happened to grab your hands and put them on my chest. I have NO IDEA how that happened!"

We moved to the rhythm of his heart under my hand. Can this book GET any more cliche? Honestly. It's like she has a book full of cliches, and she's like, "Well, cliches MUST be effective. Let's use as many as possible!"

"You cut your hair," I noted.
Thank God. He looked like a huge douchebag in the movie. Now if he would drink more coffee so his teeth weren't so blinding.

"That's a tall order."
"Good thing you're so tall."
Oh WOW. Even my two horrendous jokes in this post are better than that.

I tightened my hand around his. "You can have as many dances as you want."
Okay, SERIOUSLY. For wanting to be friends, she sure leads him on a lot.

Also, Bella and Jacob are having this excruciating conversation that I think I just want to skip.
Jacob freaks out because Bella's going to have sex with Edward while she's still human.
Let's talk about vampire physiology for a second. Okay so, according to Smeyer, once you get vamped, all your bodily fluids turn into venom. Bodily fluids= saliva, urine, blood, and most importantly, semen. Also according to Smeyer, being injected with venom turns someone into a vampire. So even if Edward and Bella kiss with tongue or share the same glass, Bella will turn into a vampire. Now, on to the sex thing. Bella gets pregnant later in this book. Even if Edward's sperm is viable, which after 100 years is highly doubtful, Edward's semen venom being injected into Bella would turn her into a vampire, not to mention it would probably hurt, since the venom apparently burns. So how does she get pregnant? By Smeyer's own logic, she shouldn't. Not to mention that all these bodily fluids, which have different functions and chemical makeup, shouldn't work exactly the same as they did before if they were REPLACED BY THE SAME SUBSTANCE AS SMEYER SAYS THAT THEY ARE.

Since we're on the topic, let's talk about the thing with the cells. Supposedly, vampire cells are hard and reflective like diamonds. If a human's cells were as hard as diamond, they wouldn't be able to move and the cells wouldn't be able to move. That's why plants don't have a bloodstream. And if all their cells were reflective, they would sparkle in all light, not just sunlight. And as someone stated on the Facebook group, 80% of sunlight gets through the clouds even on a cloudy day. That's why IT'S STILL LIGHT OUTSIDE EVEN WHEN THE CLOUDS COVER THE SUN. If Smeyer just stayed away from pseudoscientific explanations no one would think she is quite as much of an idiot as everyone does now. And if they are reflective in the sun, their skin wouldn't look matte like normal peoples' skin. GODDAMMIT, SMEYER.

Jacob freaks out and hurts her again and Seth comes to her rescue.

When we passed under the twinkle lights, he spun me gently onto the dance floor. What the fuck are twinkle lights? Smeyer's descriptive prose is as sharp as ever.

I'd been so glad to see Jacob here. I knew the sacrifice it had taken him. And then
I'd ruined it, turned his gift into a disaster. I should be quarantined.
I don't want to be defending her here, but SERIOUSLY I DON'T WANT HER SELF PITY.

How long is this fucking chapter?

"Dancing isn't so bad – with you. But I was thinking more of this," – and I
pressed myself to him even tighter – "of never having to let you go."
Lol wow, okay. I read a part where Emmett goes to dance with Bella and then I read this part and I was like, "THAT WAS A PLOT TWIST I NEVER SAW COMING!" Although that would be AWESOME.

People are throwing rice. Honestly, does anyone else do that anymore?

Jacob is howling in mourning. Thank God, this chapter is over.