Breaking Dawn Chapters 35 and 36

Chapter 35- Deadline

He smiled my favorite smile. "Hurry back to me."
"Always."
ARGH I NEED TO SMASH THINGS.

Something I don't think I touched on last recap but is really really hilarious in retrospect. Alice left that note in the Merchant of Venice and was all "destroy this" and then Bella threw it in the fire and Edward's all "Why did you do that?" and Bella's all, "It seemed appropriate." WHAT KIND OF PERSON SAYS THAT? Like, "oh, Alice left so I'm just going to burn this book for no apparent reason." I have no idea why Edward didn't question that.

I gave the nameJenks at the podium, and the obsequious maftre d' led me upstairs
to a small private room with a fire crackling in a stone hearth. He took the
calf-length ivory trench coat I'd worn to disguise the fact that I was wearing Alice's
idea of appropriate attire, and gasped quietly at my oyster satin cocktail
dress. I couldn't help being a little flattered; I still wasn't used to being beautiful
to everyone rather than just Edward. The mattre d' stuttered half-formed compliments
as he backed unsteadily from the room.
This isn't anything but pure wish fulfillment. This is Stephenie wishing that she suddenly got beautiful in high school. Not to mention that IT'S MAITRE D', NOT MATTRE D', YOU DUMB SHIT.

WTF? Now it says maftre d'. I really hope that's a mistake on Smeyer's part and not the e-book so I can laugh at it.

What the hell? I just imagine this guy as like, a little, fat, Poirot like man from a foreign country. He says stuff like, "Mr. Jasper" and "Mr. Edward". I'm not sure if this was her intention.

So I'm watching Gilmore Girls right now and I'm not even really paying attention. I'm reading but I don't really know what's going on and for that, I apologize.

I bowed my head again against a sudden urge to sob, clenching my teeth together.
It was better that Renesmee go on without me. But I already missed her
so much I could barely stand it.
I think they've only been in the same room like, three times.

Over her jacket I put on the black leather backpack
with the documents, the money, the clue, and my love notes for her and Jacob,
Charlie and Renee.
Wow, I have no idea what just happened. I saw "the money, the clue" and "her jacket" and read that as "Motley Crue jacket" and I was like, "whoa, when did Bella get hip?" Wow.

I have to be honest here. I have no idea what's going on.

Chapter 36- Bloodlust

Yay, the Volturi are coming. Is there going to be a big epic fight? Just you wait!

The Volturi are also extraordinarily stupid. EVERYONE is gone from Volterra...SO WHO'S STOPPING A RIVAL COVEN, SUCH AS, OH, I DON'T KNOW, VLADIMIR AND STEFAN, TO TAKE OVER VOLTERRA? Fuck. I don't even know anything about war strategy but even I know that vacating the vampire headquarters is a stupendously stupid move.

It was clear that this motley, disorganized horde – more than forty vampires altogether
– was the Volturi's own kind of witness.
It's kind of weird that I was just mentioning Motley Crue a chapter ago.

Hey, Irina's here.

I have fewer than a hundred pages. I keep repeating it to myself like a mantra so that I don't spontaneously combust. Fewer than a hundred pages. Fewer than a hundred pages...

As the pause lengthened, I heard Edward's breath speed.
Up. You heard it speed up.

Aro, Caius, and Marcus are all, "YOU HAVE BROKEN THE LAW" and Carlisle's all "No, we haven't!" This goes on for awhile.

I swear to God she uses the word "Chagrin" at least once a page.

Every secret thought, every strategy, every insight – everything Edward had
heard in the minds around him during the last month – was now Aro's. And further
back – every vision of Alice's, every quiet moment with our family, every picture
in Renesmee's head, every kiss, every touch between Edward and me... All of
that was Aro's now, too.
Aro's a dirty old man. He's basically watching vampire porn. Anyhoo, Bella is trying to expand her shield to protect Edward from Aro.

The two vampires were at his side instantaneously, looking precisely the same as
the last time I'd met them.
No shit, you dumbass. Have you forgotten that VAMPIRES DON'T AGE?

Aro paid no attention to our exchange. He leaned his head to one side, fascinated.
"I hear her strange heart," he murmured with an almost musical lilt to his
words. "I smell her strange scent." Then his hazy eyes shifted to me. "In truth,
young Bella, immortality does become you most extraordinarily," he said. "It is as
if you were designed for this life."
Wow. They all just lay on the flattery thick.

And chagrin, AGAIN. I need to do a count. She's only used it five times, but three times it was used in quick succession, so I think that's why I hold the illusion that she's used it like fifty times in the book.

FINALLY, I'm done.