Breaking Dawn Chapters 33 and 34

Okay, so I finished this yesterday but my internet went blargy as I published it so only half of it saved and by then I had lost my will to live so I decided to finish it today, in addition to today's chapters. Yay.

Chapter 33- Forgery
Charlie was quiet for so long that I wondered if he heard the strain beneath my fagade.
FACADE. Dammit, Smeyer.
"We sat still for a very long time, child," Vladimir had answered, with Stefan nodding along but not continuing Vladimir's sentences as he often did. "Contemplating our own divinity. It was a sign of our power that everything came to us. Prey, diplomats, those seeking our favor. We sat on our thrones and thought ourselves gods. We didn't notice for a long time that we were changing – almost petrifying. I suppose the Volturi did us one favor when they burned our castles. Stefan and I, at least, did not continue to petrify. Now the Volturi's eyes are filmed with dusty scum, but ours are bright. I imagine that will give us an advantage when we gouge theirs from their sockets."
Okay, I don't get this. They sat still so they started to petrify? This also reminds me of the Chick Tract where the kid learned about evolution and he's all, "I'M A GOD!" Also, I love the random non sequitur about gouging out eyes at the end. AWESOME. Other than Kate and Garrett, they're my favourite vampires. Also, while we're talking about Garrett, she describes him as having long, sandy hair, and all I can picture is Fabio, in like, one of his romance novel poses. I suppose this adds to his appeal. I actually picture him as a cross between like, Fabio and Indiana Jones with a dash of Han Solo in there. HOT.
I just nodded, cutting my eyes to Renesmee.
That is just an awkward way of putting things. I think she means like, a scene cut, but this just sounds like her eyeballs are razor sharp and she's throwing them at Renesmee to cut her.
"It's just the growth spurt," I muttered. "Hey, Sue," I called over his shoulder.
HA HA HA HA HA. He's talking to Sue Clearwater but for a second there I thought he was referring to Bella.

So anyway, Bella's going to find this J. Jenks person.
I opened my big gray umbrella– not that I cared, really, about protecting the long cashmere sweater-dress I wore.
A sweater dress? Seriously?
We faced each other for a long moment while his sharp eyes ran up and down the fitted pearl gray sheath I wore.
Wtf? I thought she was wearing a sweater dress. A sheath is completely different from a sweater dress. Does she honestly not remember writing the thing about the sweater dress?
"Is she a badge?!" "No – "
It's like she watched a bunch of retro cop movies to learn how low lifes talk.

This whole thing where Bella is talking to J. Jenks' bodyguard or whatever is really bizarre. It's like we were transported into a badly written Dashiell Hammett knockoff and is so out of tone with the rest of the novel it's just ridiculous.
I just nodded. I wasn't sure why Alice had given me the ghetto address.
Well, SOMEONE'S been reading up on their black culture.

"Two birth certificates, two passports, one driver's license," I said in a low,
strained tone.
If he noticed the change in my expression, he pretended otherwise.
"The names?"
"Jacob... Wolfe. And... Vanessa Wolfe." Nessie seemed like an okay nickname for
Vanessa. Jacob would get a kick out of the Wolfe thing.
Wow, that's original.
"Ah, Bella, you don't really have to give me the entire sum now. It's customary for you to save half to ensure delivery."
Duh. Obviously she hasn't watched many cop shows.

Chapter 34- Declared
I heard the music before I was out of the car. Edward hadn't touched his piano since the night Alice left. Now, as I shut the car door, I heard the song morph through a bridge and change into my lullaby. Edward was welcoming me home.
This bothers me so much. Despite the fact that it's overly cloying and saccharine, I DON'T REMEMBER THIS HAPPENING. I don't remember him ever writing her a song.

I would not live without Edward again; if he was leaving this world, then I would be right behind him.
Dear GOD.

Alistair left. Amun's going against everyone else.
"I do so hope Alistair was right about this," Stefan murmured to Vladimir. "No matter the outcome, word will spread. It's time our world saw the Volturi for what they've become. They'll never fall if everyone believes this nonsense about them protecting our way of life." "At least when we ruled, we were honest about what we were," Vladimir replied. Stefan nodded. "We never put on white hats and called ourselves saints."
Okay, on Stoney 321's livejournal, she said that Mormons are very smug about Catholics because they think the Pope is a like, bridge to heaven or whatever and the Mormons know that's not true. And it seems here we have our proof that Smeyer is inserting these books with Mormon dogma, whether consciously or subconsciously. There has been no evidence thus far that the Volturi wear any kind of white hats. But you know who does wear a white hat? THE POPE.

I think I've imprinted on Stefan and Vladimir. I love them SO MUCH. I almost love them more than Kate and Garrett.

Benjamin grinned and threw an impish glance toward the Romanians. "Apparently,
I'm a hot commodity. It appears I have to win the right to be free."
"This won't be the first time I've fought to keep myself from a king's rule," Garrett
said in a teasing tone. He walked over and clapped Benjamin on the back.
"Here's to freedom from oppression."
"We stand with Carlisle," Tanya said. "And we fight with him."
The Romanians' pronouncement seemed to have made the others feel the need
to declare themselves as well.

This is just so...I don't even know the word. Like...medieval. That's not the right word. I don't know the word.

"Stupid leeches," he muttered to himself when we got outside. "Think they're so
superior." He snorted.
"They'll be shocked when theinfants save their superior lives, won't they?" Edward
said.
Jake smiled and punched his shoulder. "Hell yeah, they will."
What is this? When did Jacob and Edward turn to joking banter? I don't understand.

Bella suddenly has a crisis of self confidence, which is nothing new.

Also, Renesmee has the super special Sue power of getting into anybody's minds. Wow, useful. And creepy.

Hey, I had less of the chapter to recap then I thought. Awesome.