Breaking Dawn Chapters 15 and 16

Only two more days to slog through Jacob's POV. I'm liking it less and less. But I know the birthing scene is coming and I don't really want to read that either. Dammit Smeyer, stop giving me all these terrible options.

Chapter 15- Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock

This has to be the stupidest chapter title I have eve seen in my life.

Okay, I'm hating the lack of quotation marks. I just have to reiterate that again. At least if she was going to do that, she could add who's speaking. They did that in this one book about a girl from Finland and that was still good. Not to mention in the works of Cormac McCarthy who, I believe, has won a Pulitzer. Maybe Smeyer should follow the advice of better authors.

More werewolf strateg(er)y.

Random words are bolded. This e-book is a little shoddy, but I still love it for Apologize lyrics that someone added.

Did you know you can buy blood? If you're a doctor.
Fun fact, ladies and germs.

Demon baby (who I shall refer to as Damien from now on) has broken more ribs. You know what? I'm just going to go ahead and call the baby Damien even when they start calling her Renesmee. This is my blog and I can do whatever I want.

Then Rosalie said something about how even normal human babies have been known to crack ribs.
Really? Wow, I'm never getting pregnant. Also, I'm doing a Google search. I don't believe this. My search consisted of the words "baby broke ribs" which started me singing "Chiliiii's baby back ribs!" I'm a sick person. I can't find anything about a baby breaking a mother's ribs. All the hits I got were about babies with broken ribs. There was a question on pregnancyinfo.net and all I got was stuff like "my rib hurts" and someone else said babies can bruise ribs, but not break them. I don't know where Smeyer gets this stuff from. If she's going to say stuff, she should make sure it's true. I'm sure Michael Crichton rigorously researches his books beforehand. Smeyer should think on that.

Think it's Bella's idea. No one said anything, but Edward's face kinda went right
along with what you're thinking now.
On the same wavelength with the bloodsucker yet again.
Gay for each other, I'm telling you.

I started off along a new line, probing south.
My mind jumped to a strange place when I read that out of context.

Neither Rosalie or Bella were anywhere in sight.
It's neither/nor and either/or. ENGLISH MAJOR.

Isn't it convenient that werewolves are really hot and vampires are really cold and that Bella switches from being hot to cold?

"You'd tell me if she poisoned it, right?" I asked.
"Yes," Edward promised.
And for some reason I believed him.
Seriously.

There was a lot of banging in the kitchen, and – weirdly – the sound of metal
protesting as it was abused. Edward sighed again, but smiled just a little, too.
Then Rosalie was back before I could think much more about it. With a pleased
smirk, she set a silver bowl on the floor next to me.
"Enjoy, mongrel."
It had once probably been a big mixing bowl, but she'd bent the bowl back in on
itself until it was shaped almost exactly like a dog dish. I had to be impressed
with her quick craftsmanship. And her attention to detail. She'd
scratched the wordFido into the side. Excellent handwriting.
I will not lie to you: I found this a little awesome.

Jacob's retorts to Rosalie mostly consist of blonde jokes, which okay, they're funny I guess. But they're not that creative. Or hurtful. I need some originality here, Jacob.

"So... urn... what's the, er, date? You know, the due date for the little monster."
Urns, AGAIN. She could just write "er" or "um" or "uh".

Obviously, we're not going with the nine-month model here, and we can't get an ultrasound, so Carlisle is guesstimating from how big I am.
sdfklahsdfkjafh GUESSTIMATE. That is the dumbest portmanteau ever. Even like, TomKat is better.

Edward's face was turned away from us as he listened to my thoughts, but I
could see his reflection in the glass wall. He was the burning man again.
He turned into the guy from Fantastic Four? I didn't know this was a crossover.

Jacob/Bella emo. I was over this from the first time Jacob quasi-raped her in Eclipse.

"From what little research we've been able to do, it would appear the creatures
use their own teeth to escape the womb," he whispered.
Damien sounds scary.

Venom that will repair anything that goes wrong.
Convenient that the vampires have the cure for any ailment. Why insert conflict or have anything go wrong that can't be fixed? Smeyer lives in a fantasy world.

Jacob and Rosalie are getting ready to RUMBLE. But then they don't. Wow, anticlimactic.

"S'not so hard to erase a blonde's memory," I countered. "Just blow in her ear."
"Get some new jokes," she snapped.
Thanks, Rosalie.

"Okay," Bella said, still breathing hard and shallow. "Think it's over. Poor kid
doesn't have enough room, that's all. He's getting so big."
It was really hard to take, that adoring tone she used to describe the thing that
was tearing her up. Especially after Rosalie's callousness. Made me wish I could
throw something at Bella, too.
Please do.

Chapter 16- Too Much Information Alert

I'm feeling you Jake.

More werewolf recon stuff.

You've changed so much, Jacob. Talk about one-eighties.
Or 360s! No one will get that.

I want to stay with you, she told me.
Make out, you guys.

Not to be outdone, I swooped down on the next largest deer, snapping her neck
between my jaws quickly, so she wouldn't feel unnecessary pain. I could feel
Leah's disgust warring with her hunger, and I tried to make it easier for her by
letting the wolf in me have my head.
This just reminds me of my favourite part in Killing Yourself To Live where Chuck is talking about how his brother shot a deer from like, a hundred yards away and then snapped its neck with his bare hands. Why can't Chuck Klosterman take over this story?

Leah/Jacob emo.

That blond vampire you hate so much – /totally get her perspective.
For a second I thought she was making a joke that was in very poor taste. And
then, when I realized she was serious, the fury that ripped through me was hard
to control. It was a good thing we'd spread out to run our watch. If she'd been
withinbiting distance...
Whoa Jake, don't go all Russell Crowe on us now. Settle.

Of course I remembered Leah's panic that first month after she joined the pack – and I remembered cringing away from it just like everyone else. Because she couldn't
be pregnant – not unless there was some really freaky religious immaculate crap
going on. She hadn't been with anyone since Sam. And then, when the weeks
dragged on and nothing turned into more nothing, she'd realized that her body
wasn't following the normal patterns anymore. The horror – whatwas she now?
Had her body changed because she'd become a werewolf? Or had she become a
werewolf because her body waswrong? The only female werewolf in the history of
forever. Was that because she wasn't as female as she should be?
So...she's a hermaphrodite? Also, I get how not being able to get pregnant could be devastating to some people. I watched that whole plotline on The X-Files. But I wish there was at least one female character who wasn't so obsessed with having children. Despite what some people say, that's not the most important thing to being a woman.

I know, I know. He thinks you're imprinting to makestrongerwolves. Because
you and Sam are such humongous monsters – bigger than our fathers. But either
way, I'm still not a candidate. I'm... I'm menopausal. I'm twenty years old
and I'm menopausal.
You know, I don't think we ever find out why this is. I think this is like the last conversation we hear about how Leah can't have kids. And we never find out why she's the only female werewolf, either.

You reallywantto imprint, or be imprinted on, or whichever? I
demanded.What's wrong with going out and falling in love like a normal person,
Leah? Imprinting is just another way of getting your choices taken away
from you.
Hey, is someone actually being normal about the imprinting thing? GTFO!

Yeah, I wasn't running with her when this was finished. She could go be miserable
in La Push. One little Alpha command before I left for good wasn't going to
kill anybody.
Way to be a selfish ass, Jacob.

Ew ew ew ew the baby broke her pelvis.

"Ew. Someone put the dog out," she murmured, wrinkling her nose.
That was an amazing time to make a Baja Men joke.

Everyone has honestly put their lives on hold to just cater to Bella's every whim.

"Just... Esme's island. And feathers."
Sounded like total gibberish to me, but then she blushed, and I figured I was better
off not knowing.
She's dying and she's still thinking about getting her sex on. She has her priorities straight.

Damien is talking to Edward. Creeeeeeepy.

Holy crow!

Okay, here' s the thing about Renesmee. It is a redonk name, but I don't think it's worth the rage so many people get into over it. Like, some people think the name is one of the main reasons that Breaking Dawn sucked. To me, it's just another stupid thing piled onto a whole book piled with stupid stuff. The Jacob rape was way more ridiculous. I give a resounding "meh" about the name.