Breaking Dawn Chapters 17 and 18

Chapter 17- What Do I Look Like? The Wizard of Oz? You Need a Brain? You Need a Heart? Go Ahead. Take Mine. Take Everything I Have

Ohh, the emo! Also, chapter titles aren't supposed to be seven sentences long. I think she should go back to her normal thing of having them as one word long.

Okay, let's talk about the chromosome thing again. Vampires have 25 pairs, werewolves have 24 pairs. I mentioned Down's syndrome before, but Down's Syndrome kids have 47 chromosomes, not 24 pairs. But you know what does have 24 pairs? Apes. Apes have 24 pairs of chromosomes. So why are werewolves humans in every respect except a) they can shapeshift, b) they don't age, and c) they have a high temperature? Also, potatoes have 24 pairs of chromosomes. I can't find anything that has 25 pairs, but I'm guessing a creature with 25 pairs would be extremely different from a human. Smeyer just screws herself over when she tries to be scientific.

So, last chapter, Jacob freaks out because...Bella and Edward love the baby? I don't know. So Jacob leaves and drives around. He's searching for someone on which to imprint. Good luck with that.

Sometimes they stared back. Sometimes they looked scared – like they were
thinking,Who is this big freak glaring at me? Sometimes I thought they looked
kind of interested, but maybe that was just my ego running wild.
Can you imagine some super tall guy with long, shaggy black hair and no doubt looking kind of manic/intense stared at you? I would be scared too.

So now this girl named Lizzie is talking to him.

I looked at the girl again. Lizzie. She was pretty. Nice enough to try to help a
grouchy stranger who must seem nuts. Why couldn't she be the one? Why did
everything have to be so freaking complicated? Nice girl, pretty, and sort of
funny. Why not?
Okay, wasn't he the one saying that you didn't need to imprint? Who cares if you aren't imprinting, Jacob! Ask her out or something.

He keeps talking about Leah and how he'd like to hang out with her and stuff and so WHY DON'T YOU GUYS MAKE OUT ALREADY? It sounds like this is heading to something, but anyone who's read Breaking Dawn knows that's not the case, although it wouldn't squick me out.

So Edward's waiting when Jacob comes back and he's all "CONTROL LEAH!" because Leah went human and wanted to see Bella (naked?) and Edward's having a shit fit.

"Wait – Leah was yelling at Bella about me?"
He nodded one sharp nod. "You were quite vehemently championed."
See? SEE? Why don't those two get together and not...okay I'll just ruin it now: Jacob and Renesmee? WHY WOULDN'T SMEYER HAVE SEEN THAT AS THE BETTER OPTION?

So Leah's wrong for tirading to Bella about her unjustified treatment of Jacob? If this was a GUY it would be all okay.

"Yes. He seems to have a vague sense of what hurts her now. He's trying to avoid
that, as much as possible. He...loves her. Already."
Okay, of course Damien does. The book would be way better if it took an Omen turn. Where's Gregory Peck when you need him?

Ohhhhh there's as hilarious part in this book! I think it's near the end though.

"He [Seth]has one of the purest, sincerest,kindest minds I've ever heard," Edward
murmured when he was outof sight. "You're lucky to have his thoughts to share."
I think someone's in love.

Then it faltered, and her face fell. Her lips puckered, like she was trying not to cry.
I wanted to punch Leah right in her stupid mouth.
I want to hug Leah for making Bella cry. Seriously, if she can't take a little verbal abuse, she's wimpier than I thought she was.

Leah might be an interesting companion, maybe even a true friend – someone
who would stand up for me. But
she wasn't mybest friend the way thatBella was. Aside from the impossible love
I felt for Bella, there was also that other bond, and it ran bone deep.
WHY? She's a whiny little bitch who can't do anything for herself.

"Sure, sure."
Jacob says this A LOT. Let's do a quick count. Eight. More in the other books.

Edward and I both got out of the way while Rosalie came to lift Bella from the
couch and take her to the bathroom.
"Can I walk?" Bella asked. "My legs are so stiff."
She's actually voluntarily doing something by herself? Wow.

Automatically, though three other hands beat her there, Bella bent over, reaching
out to catch it.
There was the strangest, muffled ripping sound from the center of her body.
Oh, GROSS.

Itwas not justa scream, it was a blood-curdling shriek of agony. The horrifying
sound cut off with a gurgle, and her eyes rolled back into her head. Her body
twitched, arched in Rosalie's arms, and then Bella vomited a fountain of blood.
I don't know if I can get through this next chapter, seriously. The birthing scene. I want to skip it...but I will be strong!

Chapter 18- There Are No Words For This

As Cleolinda says, it's like David Cronenberg takes over the book for a chapter. Or Stephen King.

Bella's body, streaming with red, started to twitch, jerking around in Rosalie's
arms like she was being electrocuted. All the while, her face was blank – unconscious.
It was the wild thrashing from inside the center of her body that moved
her. As she convulsed, sharp snaps and cracks kept time with the spasms.
Ew ew ew ew ew honestly, I might need to vomit. I am so grossed out and I feel NOTHING during Supernatural, zombie movies, Maximum Overdrive, the bug scene in Wrath of Khan, and miscellaneous horror movies.

I saw the red spots pop out when her scream broke the blood vessels in her eyes.
Dear Lord. I don't want to read. I don't.

'The morphine – ," Edward growled.
I first read this as "the pumpkin". I didn't know what to think.

Her hand came down on Bella's stomach, and vivid red spouted out from where
she pierced the skin. It was like a bucket being turned over, a faucet twisted to
full. Bella jerked, but didn't scream. She was still choking.
Dear God.

Then all the blood gets to Rosalie and she starts vamping it up. I feel a stabbing pain in my stomach. I think it's from the birthing scene. Dear God, let it be over soon.

Damien broke her spine. Edward is eating the baby out of the womb.

With a last dull ga-lump, her heart faltered and went silent.
Ga-lump? Wtf? Hasn't Smeyer seen Bill Nye? Hearts go "lub-dub".

Now Edward is injecting Bella with syringes of his venom. What, did Alice milk him or something? Now, taking Smeyer's explanation of vampiric venom (I wrote women first. Wtf?) that venom has to be a bodily fluid of some kind. Did he jerk off into a syringe? Now he's biting her. I just want this to be over.

I wanted to somehow pour bleach inside my head and let it fry my brain.
Much like how I feel after reading this chapter and pretty much the whole series.

Whoa. The e-book suddenly went schizo and there's a bunch of instructions for Windows Xp in what appears to be Finnish.

It's a little chilling how Rosalie loves the baby and is feeding and playing with it as Bella lies broken and bleeding upstairs.

Aaaaand...JACOB IMPRINTS ON THE BABY. I shit you not. I thought Quil and Claire was bad, no. Jacob falls in love WITH A NEWBORN BABY. Okay, I know Smeyer has this thing where she has to have everyone happily paired up, but...A BABY? He could have gone out with Lizzie, I liked her. Or Leah! But out of the options, Smeyer goes "Hey, let's have Jacob fall in love with a baby!" and SHE THINKS IT'S A GOOD IDEA?