New Moon Chapters 23, 24, and Epilogue

Yes, I'm going to finish this book!

Chapter 23- The Truth

She is dreaming: And there were plenty of monsters, red-eyed fiends that were all the
more ghastly for their genteel civility. The dream was still strong—I could even
remember the names. But the strongest, clearest part of the dream was not the
horror. It was the angel that was most clear. Okay, let's talk here. Would you want to date an angel? I wouldn't. Especially after watching Supernatural. Uriel freaks me out.

Edward's holding her and she thinks she's hallucinating. ROFL and she thinks she's dead! HA HA HA HA HA. I love how they are both so insane and mentally unstable that they each think they're dying when the other one shows up. Also, Bella and Edward kind of remind me of that couple where the guy threw acid in the face of the girl and blinded her and they're like married now. It's just as insane and creepy.

"I can see where you might confuse me with a nightmare." His short-lived smile
was grim. "But I can't imagine what you could have done to wind up in hell. Did
you commit many murders while I was away?"
I grimaced. "Obviously not. If I was in hell, you wouldn't be with me." I think I need to kill someone.

"Did all of that really happen, then?" It was almost impossible to reassign my
dream as reality. I couldn't wrap my head around the concept. Isn't the inability to separate fantasy and reality a sign of insanity and/or a serial killer.

"Charlie banned you from the house?" I asked, disbelief quickly melting into fury.
His eyes were sad. "Did you expect anything else?"
My eyes were mad. I was going to have a few words with my father—perhaps it
would be a good time to remind him that I was over the legal age of adulthood. First of all, why is she such a bitch to Charlie? He's such a nice guy. Pretty much my favourite character. And second, who the fuck wrote this, a ten year old? With a Dr. Seuss fetish?

And I was comforted. Who cared what I had to deal with later? Every second that
he was here—so close, his flawless face glowing in the dim light from the
numbers on my alarm clock—was precious and not to be wasted. I can't help but feel that she keeps saying a variation of this every two pages. And it's pissing me off.

What was Edward doing for the six or so months that Bella was whining and being emo? Let's find out! He was tracking something. That's all we know. And then he starts whining about how evil and monstrous he is and then Bella tells him everything was her fault and she's a terrible person and the emo goes on for pages. They mention Romeo and Juliet again. Bella STILL thinks he hates her, despite the fact that he wouldn't stop touching and kissing her for like HOURS and he's been watching her sleep again which is clearly a sign that someone loves you and he went to kill himself when he thought she was dead. She is a fucking idiot. He lied to her so that she would move on, but obviously he doesn't know that she is obsessive and crazy.

"When I told you that I didn't want you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy." I honestly don't know how she decides to put words in the most ridiculous order.

So anyhoo, Bella doesn't believe him because she is so unworthy and he is so beautiful and Adonis like and beautiful and angelic and beautiful.

We still don't know what he was tracking, by the way. But I guess actual plot related points are secondary to Edward and Bella's sappy and cheesy reunion.

"Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were
stars—points of light and reason… And then you shot across my sky like a
meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty.
When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything
went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I
couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything." I'm going to write a book. It shall be called "Attack of the Purple Prose" and this paragraph will be the the villain.

HA HA HA. Edward was tracking Victoria and fucking went down to South America when SHE'S BEEN IN HIS HOMETOWN LIKE THE WHOLE TIME. Now THAT is an epic fail.

"Let's not be hasty," I said, trying to hide my panic. "Maybe she's not coming
back. Jake's pack probably scared her off. There's really no reason to go looking
for her. Besides, I've got bigger problems than Victoria." Really? What's a bigger problem than a malevolent vampire trying to kill you in the most horrible way possible? Oh. Apparently the Volturi are coming after her. What? When did this happen? Didn't they just let them go? I'm so confused.

Edward makes a crack about her turning thirty and she freaks out because Edward isn't going to turn her into a vampire omg.

Sure, sure. Let's not cry at the fact that Victoria, a psycho bitch vampire is coming after me. Let's not cry at the fact that the most powerful vampires in the world are coming after me. Let's cry at the fact that Edward is not going to turn me into a vampire. Bella sure has her priorities straight.

"That is seriously…"I looked for the right word. "Sick." Sing it, Bella.

She's going to Edward's house for some reason. I don't know. Nvm, she's making his family vote on her mortality. Okay...?

Chapter 24- Vote

"I trust you," I assured him. "It's me I don't trust."
"Explain that, please."
He'd slowed to a walk—I could only tell because the wind ceased—and I guessed
that we weren't far from the house. In fact, I thought I could make out the sound
of the river rushing somewhere close by in the darkness.
"Well—" I struggled to find the right way to phrase it. "I don't trust myself to
be… enough. To deserve you. There's nothing about me that could hold you." a;kldsfjalskdfjaALKSDJF;LAKSDF.

Oh okay, never mind. The Volturi are apparently NOT her greatest problem. I don't think I want to know what her greatest problem is. And yup, I didn't want to know: "You can leave me," I explained. "The Volturi, Victoria… they're nothing compared to that." No words. I know I've said that a few times when I actually had words, but I really don't have words this time. I just...ARGH.

Now she's telling him about his voice in her head. And he's predictably angry.

"Shh," I interrupted him. "Hold on a second. I think I'm having an epiphany here." Random unintentionally hilarious non sequiturs are FUN.

Yeah, this epiphany needs to be put down in its entirety because it's HILARIOUS.

I thought of that night in Port Angeles when I'd had my first delusion. I'd come
up with two options. Insanity or wish fulfillment. I'd seen no third option.
But what if…
What if you sincerely believed something was true, but you were dead wrong?
What if you were so stubbornly sure that you were right, that you wouldn't even
consider the truth? Would the truth be silenced, or would it try to break through?
Option three: Edward loved me. The bond forged between us was not one that
could be broken by absence, distance, or time. And no matter how much more
special or beautiful or brilliant or perfect than me he might be, he was as
irreversibly altered as I was. As I would always belong to him, so would he
always be mine.
Was that what I'd been trying to tell myself?
"Oh!"
"Bella?"
"Oh. Okay. I see."
"Your epiphany?" he asked, his voice uneven and strained.
"You love me," I marveled.

That's her epiphany. That he loves her. ISN'T THAT THE WHOLE POINT OF THE BOOKS? IS IT NOT A LOVE STORY ABOUT EDWARD AND BELLA? THIS HAS BEEN PAINFULLY OBVIOUS SINCE THE VERY VERY BEGINNING, AND IT IS JUST OCCURRING TO HER NOW? HOW THE FUCK DID SHE THINK HE FELT BEFORE? ;LAKDJF;ASDHF;ASKJDHFJSAKDFHA;SFD MALFUNCTION. BRAIN CELLS ARE DYING. INITIATING SELF DESTRUCT.

And they both basically curled up in the fetal position after they left each other.

Edward called out the names with no more volume than I'd use in regular
conversation. "Carlisle? Esme? Rosalie? Emmett? Jasper? Alice?" They would
hear. Do they have super hearing too? I don't remember this. Also, let's talk about Jasper for a second. Apparently he has the power to affect the mood in a room, but I don't ever remember hearing about this. I guess I'm just crazy.

There's this boring shit about the Volturi and shit but I don't want to write it here. The Volturi won't be able to find Bella because Demetri relies totally on his mind tracking power but Bella's super special and he won't be able to track her and of course they have no power or resources to find her in other ways and they won't be able to find her, yay. Also...I thought they just let her go.

Emmett laughed, and reached across the table toward his brother, extending a fist.
"Excellent plan, my brother," he said with enthusiasm.
Edward stretched out his arm to smack Emmett's fist with his own. I just can't imagine Edward doing a fist bump. Emmett yes, Edward, definitely and unequivocably no.

Okay so they have the vote. Edward and Rosalie say no (not because she hates Bella, but because she doesn't want Bella to lose her humanity. Somewhere between Twilight and New Moon, Rosalie lost her cojones) and everyone else says yes. Edward has a tantrum and breaks things. I love how she doesn't even tell her family about what she's planning. Edward wants her to wait until she moves out and she decides to wait until after graduation.

"If you could have anything in the world, anything at all, what would it be?"
I could feel the skepticism in my eyes. "You." I would have world peace, but hey.

My face twisted into an expression somewhere between chagrin and horror. Tee hee, chagrin. I really hate that word now. It rankles me like nails on a chalkboard.

This will never stop cracking me up. He'll turn her...if she marries him. She's ready to give up her humanity for Edward, but she won't marry him. Okay, that makes sense.

Unintentional typo-related hilarity: "No! No rings!" I very nearly snouted.

So now she's being a bitch to Charlie and lying. Charlie forbids her from seeing Edward and Bella says she'll move out. Bella doesn't deserve a dad like Charlie. I hate Bella and Edward. Edward leaves her without a word, breaking into her room and stealing/destroying her possessions and then when he decides to come back she takes him back without a word.

Epilogue

Everything goes back to normal, Edward is making Bella go to college (community college ha ha ha ha) and Charlie is still mad at Edward. Jacob and Bella aren't talking.

"Billy said he didn't want to talk to me," I fumed, glaring at the rain oozing down
the passenger window. Well DUH. You're a huge bitch to him, leading him on and then shunting him to the side whenever Edward comes back.

Would these books be as irritating if they were in third person?

"It's not you, Bella," Edward said quietly. "Nobody hates you." Nobody except most of the fandom.

Every time I looked at his face, that impossibly perfect face, my heart pounded
strong and healthy and very there in my chest. This time, the pounding raced
ahead of its usual besotted pace. I recognized the expression on his statue-still
face. How is it possible that one author can use the word "besotted" once a book?

Uh oh. Charlie knows about the motorcycle. Jacob told Charlie, because he's an asshole now, apparently.

"Charlie will hear you," Edward warned me. "And once he gets you inside, he
may brick over the doorway." What the fuck does that mean?

Jacob wanted to get Bella grounded so that she couldn't be with Edward. How old is he, ten? Also, Edward keeps telling Bella what he's thinking. SHUT UP EDWARD. LET JACOB TELL HER HIMSELF!

"He thought I wouldn't let you, not Charlie," Edward explained again.
"Stop that," Jacob snapped. Thank you.

Edward thanks Jacob for keeping Bella safe.

"I know. But that doesn't erase the gratitude I feel. I thought you should know. If
there's ever anything in my power to do for you…"
Jacob raised one black brow.
Edward shook his head. "That's not in my power."
"Whose, then?" Jacob growled.
Edward looked down at me. "Hers. I'm a quick learner, Jacob Black, and I don't
make the same mistake twice. I'm here until she orders me away." Sure, let's talk about Bella like she's not even there, that sounds fun.

The only thing that Jacob would want from
Edward would be his absence.
"Never," I whispered, still locked in Edward's eyes.
Jacob made a gagging sound. Thanks Jacob. It's like we're connected psychically. People in love have no idea how annoying it is when they stare lovingly at each other.

Also, the werewolf-sparklepire treaty is that if any vampires bite a human, the werewolves can kill them. DUN DUN DUN.

Jacob's going to fursplode, it looks like there's going to be a smackdown...and then Charlie calls Bella. Edward wants to kill Victoria, Jacob wants to kill Victoria, and then Bella has to go. Bella and Jacob hold hands and Edward pulls her away because he is a big strong man.

Edward pulled me back again, his arms restraining instead of defending.
"It's okay," I promised him, looking up to read his face with trust in my eyes. He
would understand.
His eyes were unreadable, his face expressionless. Cold. "No, it's not."
"Let her go," Jacob snarled, furious again. "She wants to!" What does this remind me of? Starts with "a"...ends with "buse"...it will come to me later.

Edward squeezed me gently. "I'm here."
I drew in a deep breath.
That was true. Edward was here, with his arms around me.
I could face anything as long as that was true.
I squared my shoulders and walked forward to meet my fate, with my destiny
solidly at my side. Okay, you're not saving the world. You're going to see your dad. It will be all right.

Okay, that's the end of New Moon! This one definitely did not take as long as The Host but it was way more horrendous. Next up...Midnight Sun, I think. I've also decided to do Breaking Dawn, so I'll be doing recaps for awhile.

Ha ha ha ha ha. This is from the acknowledgements:
Thanks, also [mom], for being so insanely creative and intelligent, and bequeathing a small portion of both into my genetic makeup. A very small portion. Virtually nonexistent.

Also Linkin Park, Travis, Elbow, Coldplay, Marjoric Fair, My Chemical
Romance, Brand New, The Strokes, Armor for Sleep, The Arcade Fire, and The
Fray have all been instrumental in staving off the writer's block. NO. You cannot mention Brand New, Armor For Sleep, or The Fray. No. I FORBID IT.