Preface
Fucking Smeyer and her prefaces.
There’s a fight or something but it’s stupidly ambiguous. These prefaces are seriously SO USELESS.
Chapter 1- Ultimatum
Weird words
Crabby
Bella,
You made the choice here, okay? You can’t have it both ways when
What part of ‘mortal enemies’ is too complicated for you to
Look, I know I’m being a jerk, but there’s just no way around
We can’t be friends when you’re spending all your time with a bunch of
Yeah, I miss you, too. A lot. Doesn’t change anything. Sorry.
Jacob
Apparently he gave the whole note to her, with the crossed out parts and all. Does he not know that you can erase? Or start over? Or type it out?
I’m already mentally preparing myself for the love triangle agony that I know is coming in this book. Also, there’s a hilarious part involving sleeping bags but I won’t spoil it. I can’t wait until we get to it, though.
What was surprising was how much each crossed-out line wounded me — as if the points of the letters had cutting edges. More than that, behind each angry beginning lurked a vast pool of hurt; Jacob’s pain cut me deeper than my own. Well you’re the dumb bitch who kept leading him on. Whose fucking fault is that?
“You’re supposed to take the lid off first, Dad. Metal’s bad for microwaves.” I swiftly removed the lid as I spoke, poured half the sauce into a bowl, and then put the bowl inside the microwave and the jar back in the fridge; I fixed the time and pressed start.
Charlie watched my adjustments with pursed lips. “Did I get the noodles right?”
I looked in the pan on the stove — the source of the smell that had alerted me. “Stirring helps,” I said mildly. I found a spoon and tried to de-clump the mushy hunk that was scalded to the bottom.
Charlie sighed. Charlie has lived alone for how many years, and he doesn’t know how to work a microwave yet? If he’s so hopeless at cooking, what the hell did he eat before?
I was mystified. Charlie cooking? And what was with the surly attitude? Maybe because he has a whiny bitch like you for a daughter.
The word boyfriend had me chewing on the inside of my cheek with a familiar tension while I stirred. It wasn’t the right word, not at all. I needed something more expressive of eternal commitment. . . . But words likedestiny andfate sounded hokey when you used them in casual conversation. Sadly, that doesn’t stop Smeyer.
And she’s whining about getting married. Sure, she can give up her mortality but MARRIAGE?
Five unsolved homicides in Seattle. I wonder if this information will come in useful later.
Oh, and this is the Wuthering Heights book. New Moon was Romeo and Juliet, this is Wuthering Heights. Twilight is…I don’t know. And Breaking Dawn is…Alien? Who knows.
HOLY SHIT. You are SHITTING ME. If I wasn’t in school I would probably scream right now and/or burst into laughter. As it is, I got a ginormous smile on my face and people started looking at me weird. Check it:
“Okay.” He sighed, raising his hands as if in surrender. “So I’m thinking maybe you deserve a parole for good behavior. For a teenager, you’re amazingly non-whiney.” Emphasis on the NON-WHINEY. Really? Do you even KNOW your daughter, Charlie? I have been in her head for two books and “non-whiney” is NOT the word I would use to describe her. I’m just so in shock right now I don’t know if I can continue. I need to just, sit in a catatonic state for a few minutes.
Okay, done. Anyway, Charlie is letting her see her other friends, who have been divided into good vs. evil. Good: Angela, Ben, Mike. Bad: Lauren, Jessica, and everyone else, although Mike’s friendship is wavering.
“I don’t think you should dump all your other friends for your boyfriend, Bella,” he said in a stern voice. “It’s not nice, and I think your life would be better balanced if you kept some other people in it." Charlie’s like the most sensible character IN this book. I wish he had more…not screen time. Page time?
“Well,” he said defensively. “If you’d had more of a life outside of Edward Cullen, it might not have been like that.” ExACTLY. SING IT, Charlie!
It was a dilemma I was already struggling with. My friends. People who, for their own safety, I would never be able to see again after graduation. For their protection…or for Smeyer’s convenience?
Also, Charlie wants Bella to hang out with Jacob more. I would agree, except he’s a douche bag and gets more so in Eclipse. I want to keep loving him, but maybe I should, like Bella, start the separation now so that I don’t feel so bad?
She applied for…the University of Alaska Southeast? Okay…?
It wasn’t cheaper, not at all. But itwas far away, and Juneau had an average of three hundred twenty-one overcast days per year. The first was my prerequisite, the second was Edward’s. It wouldn’t be a Smeyer book without some good old fashioned plagiarizing! This is definitely stolen from 30 Days of Night.
And Edward’s here, and we get the obligatory soliloquy on his beauty. For your vomiting pleasure:
I wrenched the door out of my way — ridiculously eager — and there he was, my personal miracle. Time had not made me immune to the perfection of his face, and I was sure that I would never take any aspect of him for granted. My eyes traced over his pale white features: the hard square of his jaw, the softer curve of his full lips — twisted up into a smile now, the straight line of his nose, the sharp angle of his cheekbones, the smooth marble span of his forehead — partially obscured by a tangle of
rain-darkened bronze hair. . . .
I think Rpattz is right and Smeyer is actually in love with Edward. He is the only one that gets described in great detail each and every time he shows up. I didn’t want to call her a repressed housewife, but she’s making it really hard. Oh dear Jesus, there’s more:
I saved his eyes for last, knowing that when I looked into them I was likely to lose my train of thought.
They were wide, warm with liquid gold, and framed by a thick fringe of black lashes. Staring into his eyes always made me feel extraordinary — sort of like my bones were turning spongy. I was also a little lightheaded, but that could have been because I’d forgotten to keep breathing. Again.
Also, I’m keeping a swoon count and a count of how many times Jacob calls Bella “honey”. I think the honey count was five and the swoon count was six in the last book, but I wasn’t really paying that much attention. I’ll try harder this time.
He pulled my wrist up to his face, our hands still twisted together. His eyes closed as his nose skimmed along the skin there, and he smiled gently without opening them. Enjoying the bouquet while resisting the wine, as he’d once put it.
A few things. The nose nuzzling? Creepy. But that could be because it’s very near to having your hand kissed and I have an extreme aversion to that. It’s happened more times than you would think (twice). It squicks me out. Also, comparing your girlfriend to something you would ingest? Not awesome.
“Good evening, Charlie.” Edward was always flawlessly polite, though Charlie didn’t deserve it. But Charlie’s so sweet! I love him, and maybe YOU don’t deserve HIM, bitch!
I groaned. How were there any colleges left that he hadn’t forced me to apply to already? And how did he keep finding these loophole openings? It was so late in the year. Silly Edward. Bella has a BOYFRIEND, so she doesn’t need an EDUCATION.
“Syracuse . . . Harvard . . . Dartmouth . . . and I just got accepted to the University of Alaska Southeast today.” Edward turned his face slightly to the side so that he could wink at me. I stifled a giggle. Tee hee, that extremely subtle joke was so hilarious!
“Hmph.” I’m sure that Charlie actually said “Hmph”. Doesn’t Smeyer know that people don’t actually talk like this outside of comic books?
“Guess what, Edward?” I asked in a bright voice, playing along.
“What, Bella?”
I pointed to the thick envelope on the counter. “I just got my acceptance to the University of Alaska!”
“Congratulations!” He grinned. “What a coincidence.” Tee hee hee YOU TWO ARE SO CLEVER GAG.
“No, that’s fine, Charlie,” Edward said, interrupting me. “I didn’t mean Seattle. I was thinking Portland, actually. I wouldn’t have Bella in Seattle, either. Of course not.” Because Bella can never decide what she wants for herself, short of becoming a vampire which doesn’t really count because she’s doing it to be with her boyfriend for eternity. And you know what? Bella’s freaking out because she wants to turn into a vampire before she turns twenty. Um, Vicki Nelson and Henry are kinda sorta together (at least on the TV show) and she’s like 35 and he’s eternally 25. So stop your whining.
“Will you just fill out the application, please, Bella? It won’t hurt you to apply.”
My jaw flexed. “You know what? I don’t think I will.”
I reached for the papers, planning to crumple them into a suitable shape for lobbing at the trashcan, but they were already gone. I stared at the empty table for a moment, and then at Edward. He didn’t appear to have moved, but the application was probably already tucked away in his jacket.
“What are you doing?” I demanded.
“I sign your name better than you do yourself. You’ve already written the essays.” Holy shit. You know why I hate these books? Because I don’t even know what to be outraged about. On the one hand, Bella is finally standing up for herself but it’s to NOT get an education because she wants to be with her boyfriend forever. And Edward is being an abusive and bossy prick, but it’s to get her an education, so I can’t be angry about anything. Everything just cancels itself out. It’s like tabula rasa.
“Don’t start. I agree that I need to go through the motions for Charlie’s sake, but we both know I’m not going to be in any condition to go to school next fall. To be anywhere near people.” Silly Bella. You are a special snowflake. You are a Mary Sue. You will be the best vampire of them all and you fucking know it.
I glared at him. No danger? Sure. I only had a sadistic vampire trying to avenge her mate’s death with my own, preferably through some slow and torturous method. Who was worried about Victoria? And, oh yeah, the Volturi — the vampire royal family with their small army of vampire warriors — who insisted that my heart stop beating one way or another in the near future, because humans weren’t allowed to know they existed. Right. No reason at all to panic. You weren’t panicking before. Remember, all this stuff pales in comparison to Edward leaving again…? Ringing a bell…?
Anyhoo, vampires are killing people in Seattle.
“It won’t be the same for me,” I whispered, half to myself. “You won’t let me be like that. We’ll live in Antarctica.” Yes, because you can just move down to a suburb in Antarctica.
“You know it’s out of the question for you to be around a werewolf unprotected, Bella. And it would break the treaty if any of us cross over onto their land. Do you want us to start a war?”
“Of course not!”
“Then there’s really no point in discussing the matter further.” First, Bella has been around a werewolf unprotected PLENTY while you were off trying and failing to track Victoria. Second, you don’t have to go WITH her, Sparklepire. Third, ARGH STOP BEING SO BOSSY. Also, daddy issues, y/y?
“Photographic memory or not, I don’t understand why you like it. The characters are ghastly people who ruin each others’ lives. I don’t know how Heathcliff and Cathy ended up being ranked with couples like Romeo and Juliet or Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy. It isn’t a love story, it’s a hate story.” And yet…isn’t this book supposed to be an allegory for Wuthering Heights, or something? The fact that Smeyer said it was a hate story is probably the most self aware thing she has ever said. Also, HOW LONG IS THIS FUCKING CHAPTER?
His face was thoughtful as he considered my words. After a moment he smiled a teasing smile. “I still think it would be a better story if either of them had one redeeming quality.” Me too, Edward. Me too. And you know I’m not talking about Wuthering Heights. If this was any other book and any other author I would think that Smeyer was being charmingly self-deprecating, but it's her so I think she actually believes that Bella and Edward are both sympathetic characters.
I put my hand over his to hold it to my face. “I need to see Jacob.”
His eyes closed. “No.” Fuck you Edward. If I was near the internet I would quote something from the Wikipedia entry about abuse. As it is, I will just say this from my experience reading copious amounts of Seventeen and YM: Your boyfriend forbidding you from seeing other people is a sign of abuse.
I wanted to deny it, but another image slowed my rebuttal. I saw in my head the once beautiful face of Emily Young, now marred by a trio of dark scars that dragged down the corner of her right eye and left her mouth warped forever into a lopsided scowl. Oh, dear JESUS, this squicks me out.
“Edward, look at the facts. Seventy years ago, you came here, and the werewolves showed up. You come back now, and the werewolves show up again. Do you think that’s a coincidence?” Except…didn’t the gang thing start up when the Cullens…left?
“I don’t know how to phrase this properly,” Edward said, and his tone was bleak. “It’s going to sound cruel, I suppose. But I’ve come too close to losing you in the past. I know what it feels like to think I have. I am not going to tolerate anything dangerous.”
Let’s make a list here. The werewolves saved Bella from Laurent and protected her from Victoria. They comforted her and made her come out of her catatonic state. She was never in danger from them, except I think the one time that one werewolf fursploded, but Jacob took him down easily and there were like five other werewolves ready to protect her, so she was never in danger. With the vampires, Edward, as we know from Midnight Sun, fantasized about snapping everyone’s necks in the room and eating Bella. Edward’s need to eat her is so strong that it physically hurts him. When Edward left she went into a vegetative state. Jasper freaked out and almost ate her. So tell me, who is more dangerous for Bella? Yeah. Double standards are A-OK, kids!
“Do you really have any idea how important you are to me? Any concept at all of how much I love
you?” He pulled me tighter against his hard chest, tucking my head under his chin.
I pressed my lips against his snow-cold neck. “I know how much I loveyou ,” I answered.
“You compare one small tree to the entire forest.”
I rolled my eyes, but he couldn’t see. “Impossible.” “I love you.” “I love you more!” “No, I love YOU more!” KILL ME NOW, PLEASE.
“No werewolves.”
“I’m not going along with that. I have to see Jacob.”
“Then I’ll have to stop you.”
He sounded utterly confident that this wouldn’t be a problem.
I was sure he was right.
Yeah, that sounds completely healthy.
These chapters are so long. This one took me like an hour and a half to recap.
Chapter 2- Evasion
Weird Words
Dippier
If I’d allow it, she’d love to dress me every day — perhaps
several times a day — like some oversized three-dimensional paper doll. 3-D paper doll is an oxymoron, moron. I think the term you’re looking for is “Barbie doll”.
Sure, I was free to go to anywhere I wanted — except La Push; free to do anything I wanted — except see Jacob. I was SO hoping that she would accidentally forget to put in the word “see” but sadly, this didn’t happen.
You know what is so crazy to me? That crazy feminist who called Joss Whedon a rapist is all riled up about Firefly and yet doesn’t touch Twilight. I think I need to remedy that. Someone must inform her of this book series. It would be like winding up a toy car and letting it go at full speed.
I looked up, intending to make a sarcastic remark, but his face was closer than I’d expected. His golden eyes were smoldering, just inches away, and his breath was cool against my open lips. I could taste his scent on my tongue.
I couldn’t remember the witty response I’d been about to make. I couldn’t remember my name. ik;lasdfl;aksjf;ASL;DKFHASDKLJFHASDFLKJ
I knew I had about three seconds before he would sigh and slide me deftly away, saying something about how we’d risked my life enough for one afternoon. Making the most of my last seconds, I crushed myself closer, molding myself to the shape of him. The tip of my tongue traced the curve of his lower lip;
it was as flawlessly smooth as if it had been polished, and the taste — ACK. Are we heading into -gasp- PG-13 TERRITORY?
It was so like my mother to forget exactly how paralyzed she was by heights until she was already strapped to a parachute and a dive instructor. I felt a little frustrated with Phil, her husband of almost two years, for allowing that one. I would have taken better care of her. I knew her so much better. You have to let them go their own way eventually, I reminded myself. You have to let them have their own life. . . . This is such a weird thing to say, and so Oedipal, except it’s the same sex parent. I suddenly feel very uncomfortable and kind of voyeuristic.
And yet she’d drilled it into me over and over — smart people took
marriage seriously. Mature people went to college and started careers before they got deeply involved in a relationship. She knew I would never be as thoughtless and goofy and small-town as she’d been. . . . And yet none of that took, did it, Renee?
“You didn’t get much good out of your birthday presents last year,” he said in a disgruntled voice.
Suddenly, he was fanning himself with a stiff rectangle of paper. I just got this awesome mental image of Edward in like, full Victorian dress with corsets and petticoats and a little pink parasol fanning himself at a ball while he flutters his eyelashes at the prince across the room.
And they're going to jet off to Florida. One, I'm sure Charlie will love that, and two, I'm so sure that Edward will want to spend a weekend in The Sunshine State.
I sighed. “Not this weekend.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t want to fight with Charlie. Not so soon after he’s forgiven me.”
His eyebrows pulled together. “I think this weekend is perfect,” he muttered.
STFU Edward, you abusive bastard.
Suspicion returned. This kind of behavior was unlike him. He was always so impossibly selfless; I knew it was making me spoiled. What the hell? First the thing about Bella being non-whiney and then Edward being selfless? DOES SMEYER EVEN KNOW THE CHARACTERS SHE'S CREATED? I JUST...WHAT...I DON'T...ARGH.
“The outside world holds no interest for me without you.”
I rolled my eyes at the hyperbole. A hyperbole that you state every spare second you get?
My imagination was sadly out of control. I’d taken a perfectly normal afternoon and twisted it until it looked like Edward was going out of his way to keep things from me. I needed therapy.
You BOTH do, for the love of God!
And Edward goes behind her back to force her to go to Jacksonville, natch. Yup, he really loves her and in no way is emotionally abusive.
The blood rushed into my face, fueled by irritation and chagrin. HEE, chagrin! It's amazing how one little word can fill me with so much glee. It's like playing Where's Waldo. Also, I used to know what the word meant and how to use it in a sentence but I've seen it so many times that it's lost all meaning for me. I could not tell you its definition if I had a gun to my head.
Let's do a quick chagrin count: A whopping FOUR.
Anyway, Edward says there's a plane ticket for him and Charlie freaks out. Understandable, since Edward is emotionally abusive.
“Do I need to remind you that I’m a legal adult, Charlie?”
“This is my house — you follow my rules!”
My glare turned icy. “If that’s how you want it. Do you want me to move out tonight? Or can I have a few days to pack?”
She's kind of a bitch. I want to take Charlie and just hug him. And Bella runs through this manipulative and mean monologue and the alliteration was NOT intentional. I feel so sorry for Charlie.
“Are you implying something about Mom’s ability to look after me?”
Charlie flinched at the threat implicit in my question.
“You’d better hope I don’t mention this to her,” I said.
Look! She's such a manipulative BITCH. She was annoying before but now she's just mean. This is Edward's doing.
He nodded. “But, clearly, you were too much of a coward to deal with Charlie, so I interceded on your behalf.”
“Interceded? You threw me to the sharks!”
He rolled his eyes. “I don’t think you were in any danger.”
“I told you I didn’t want to fight with Charlie.”
“Nobody said that you had to.”
I have to go with Bella on this one. It was pretty obvious that it was going to turn into a fight. There's no way that it wouldn't have. Edward should have just let her decide when the right time was to talk to Charlie.
“Does this sudden urge to see Florida have anything to do with the party at Billy’s place?”
His jaw flexed. “Nothing at all. It wouldn’t matter if you were here or on the other side of the world, you still wouldn’t be going.”
It was just like with Charlie before — just like being treated as a misbehaving child. When your boyfriend starts treating you like a misbehaving child, that is the time to leave him.
I smiled. Edward and Alice playing chess was one of the funniest things I’d ever seen. They’d sat there nearly motionless, staring at the board, while Alice foresaw the moves he would make and he picked the moves she would make in return out of her head. Alice would see all possible moves that Edward would make, so that wouldn't help. Her power is kind of useless, actually, especially after the events of New Moon. And Alice could like, fake Edward out.
TEE HEE HEE. SEX TALK TIME.
“I don’t think that’s humanly possible. Anyway, Mom beat you to the punch about ten years ago. You’re off the hook.” If my dad gave me a sex talk I would die. And...Bella got the sex talk when she was eight? SOMEONE was a huge slut. Then again, I learned all that stuff when I was nine, but only because I was in a split class and then grade fives had the talk every year, so I had to go through that twice.
“Ugh!” I groaned. “I really wish you were not forcing me to say this out loud, Dad.Really. But . . . I am a . . . virgin, and I have no immediate plans to change that status.” Way to make it more awkward.
“Keep trying, Bella. I know you’ll do the right thing. You’re a good person.”
Nice. So if I didn’t figure out some way to make things right with Jacob, then I was abad person? That was below the belt. Oh, and threatening to move out wasn't?
I can't remember where I read this, but apparently Jacob says "sure, sure" a lot. I'm going to keep a watch out for that. And now Bella is saying it too. I just did a quick count. I have no idea who was talking at the time, but I think it was mostly Jacob, and "sure, sure" shows up 8 times. It shows up 9 times in New Moon, said by Jacob, Bella, and Billy once.
Uh oh, I think a disturbing part is coming up. Yup. It has to be posted in its entirety because it is so scary and if anyone can say after this that Edward Cullen is not abusive or at the very least creepy, then they are insane:
“You care if I go see Jake tonight?” I asked breathlessly. “I won’t stay long.”
As soon as I said Jake’s name, Charlie’s expression relaxed into a smug smile. He didn’t seem surprised at all that his lecture had taken effect so quickly. “Sure, kid. No problem. Stay as long as you like.”
“Thanks, Dad,” I said as I darted out the door.
Like any fugitive, I couldn’t help looking over my shoulder a few times while I jogged to my truck, but the night was so black that there really was no point. I had to feel my way along the side of the truck to the handle.
My eyes were just beginning to adjust as I shoved my keys in the ignition. I twisted them hard to the left, but instead of roaring deafeningly to life, the engine just clicked. I tried it again with the same results.
And then a small motion in my peripheral vision made me jump.
“Gah!” I gasped in shock when I saw that I was not alone in the cab.
Edward sat very still, a faint bright spot in the darkness, only his hands moving as he turned a mysterious black object around and around. He stared at the object as he spoke.
“Alice called,” he murmured.
Alice! Damn. I’d forgotten to account for her in my plans. He must have her watching me.
“She got nervous when your future rather abruptly disappeared five minutes ago.”
My eyes, already wide with surprise, popped wider.
“Because she can’t see the wolves, you know,” he explained in the same low murmur. “Had you
forgotten that? When you decide to mingle your fate with theirs, you disappear, too. You couldn’t know that part, I realize that. But can you understand why that might make me a little . . . anxious? Alice saw you disappear, and she couldn’t even tell if you’d come home or not. Your future got lost, just like theirs.
“We’re not sure why this is. Some natural defense they’re born with?” He spoke as if he were talking to himself now, still looking at the piece of my truck’s engine as he twirled it in his hands. “That doesn’t seem entirely likely, since I haven’t had any trouble reading their thoughts. The Blacks’ at least. Carlisle theorizes that it’s because their lives are so ruled by their transformations. It’s more an involuntary reaction than a decision. Utterly unpredictable, and it changes everything about them. In that instant when they shift from one form to the other, they don’t really even exist. The future can’t hold them. . . .”
I listened to his musing in stony silence.
“I’ll put your car back together in time for school, in case you’d like to drive yourself,” he assured me after a minute.
With my lips mashed together, I retrieved my keys and stiffly climbed out of the truck.
“Shut your window if you want me to stay away tonight. I’ll understand,” he whispered just before I slammed the door.
I stomped into the house, slamming that door, too.
“What’s wrong?” Charlie demanded from the couch.
“Truck won’t start,” I growled.
“Want me to look at it?”
“No. I’ll try it in the morning.”
“Want to use my car?”
I wasn’t supposed to drive his police cruiser. Charlie must be really desperate to get me to La Push. Nearly as desperate as I was.
“No. I’m tired,” I grumbled. “’Night.”
I stamped my way up the stairs, and went straight to my window. I shoved the metal frame roughly — it crashed shut and the glass trembled.
I stared at the shivering black glass for a long moment, until it was still. Then I sighed, and opened the window as wide as it would go.
Was that...not supposed to be creepy? Was that honestly supposed to be romantic? Because it's not. I just imagine like, Jeffery Dahmer sitting in the back of the car, smugly holding the car part he removed while his helpless victim is terrified in the front seat as he soliloquizes to himself. It's just...I don't even know. I've read this before, so I've exhausted all my reactions. And then Bella doesn't even get mad at him, doesn't DO anything, and doesn't take the police cruiser up to La Push, even though that was a viable option. And THEN the kicker: she closes the window, a small act of standing up for herself, AND THEN SHE OPENS IT AGAIN.
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