NEW MOON PT. 1

The one good thing (and trust me, there is only one) about the Twilight series is since it's so popular, the movies get pirated and put on the internet VEEEERY quickly, so I can enjoy their hilarious badness, safe in the knowledge that a) I'm not paying for it, b) Nobody sees me and thinks I like this shit unironically, and c) Smeyer is not getting my money. Those thoughts make me feel warm and fuzzy.

It took a lot of searching, but I finally found a fairly good quality pirated copy and I'll be watching it FOR YOU my nonreaders. And for me, since I need the laugh.

Little background: this is the movie in which Bella goes catatonic for months because Edward left her and then she starts trying to kill herself to hear his voice in her head. This movie is also better known as "Jacob shirtless OMG".

So without further ado, here is New Moon.

So we start off with the typical slooooooow imagery with a moon slooooooowly being eclipsed and the words New Moon sloooooooowly coming onto the screen. Then there's a...I'm not sure what you call a scene from the movie that will come later. But Bella is in Italy and then she's running through all these red robed people and never mind it's a dream. Bella sees her grandma and then EW there's Edward Cullen wearing some kind of douchey suit with a weird black collar thing. Seriously, I don't know what up with that.

I HEAR THE SPARKLE NOISES!

OMG PLOT TWIST. Bella's "grandma" is Bella and Edward is still with her, despite the fact that...yeah, I'm not gonna go there.

YAY IT'S MY FAVOURITE CHARACTER. HI CHARLIE, I MISSED YOU! Charlie is one of three of the movie characters that I adore unironically. One of them is Jacob's dad, who seemed very sweet and funny in the first film (but of course, like all the human characters, gets abruptly phased out) and the other is Emmett, who seems like such a hilarious douchebag. In the books, I enjoy Jasper as well (although this [and possibly my love of Emmett] come solely from Growing Up Cullen.)

It's Bella's birthday and Charlie is being so sweet and bringing Bella her presents. You know, I think it would have been interesting if Bella actually loved her dad and didn't have so much contempt for him and we could see how she deals with becoming a vampire and then the possibility of outliving him. But silly me, that would provide conflict and everything has to go as smoothly as possibly for little Bella Sue.

This version I'm watching cut off the heads. I'm not sure whether this will be annoying.

Charlie jokes that she's getting old and she FREAKS OUT. She actually believes she has a grey hair.

Side note: I think I've mentioned this before. Okay, Edward kisses old!Bella's hand. I shuddered, and not because of Edward! It's because I haaaaaaaate getting my hand kissed (and yes, this has somehow happened enough for me to form an opinion). Everyone thinks this is so romantic but it's so gross.

OMG OMG OMG Edward is walking in slow mo towards Bella with his own soundtrack. I can't even DESCRIBE how cheesy this is.

Bella complains about being old and Edward's all "Dude, I'm 109" and she's like, "maybe I shouldn't be dating such an old man" and THIS IS EXACTLY LIKE THE SCENE WHERE CHLOE AND BUCK WERE JOKING ABOUT HIM BEING OLD.

K, Jacob needs to cut his hair. Taylor Lautner's teeth are SO WHITE.

Also: How dooes Jacob know it's Bella's birthday? I have guy friends that I've known for years and I still don't know their birthdays.

Bella tries to make jokes, but it just doesn't work. I give her an A for effort, but a D on the execution.

Everyone loves Alice, but I find her SO UNSETTLING. You know who else I find unsettling? JASPER. He's like a creepy pedo (almost literally, ha ha ha ha ha) who hangs out in a high school.

IS THAT RAY WISE IN ENGLISH CLASS????? On the one hand GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN, RAY! But on the other YES, YOU CAN MAKE THIS BETTER. Never mind. Sadly it's not him. But now I want to watch Reaper.

So the students are watching Romeo and Juliet and Mike looks like I did when I watched the BBC version. Edward is quoting Romeo and Juliet and this is supposed to be romantic, despite the fact that talking along with the movie is one of the MOST ANNOYING THINGS A PERSON CAN DO. They're talking in the middle of class about Edward's plans to kill himself should Bella ever die. That's romantic.

I can't WAIT to see Michael Sheen and Christopher Heyerdahl. HI CHRIS! GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN, BUT PLEASE RETURN TO STARGATE ATLANTIS AND SUPERNATURAL, KTHXBAI.

So, is it like a prerequisite of vampires to wear floaty vampire shirts?

WHOA. This is more action than I expect from a Twilight film. The Volturi (scary vampire overlords) are shown BREAKING SOMEONE'S NECK. I...I kind of enjoyed that.

I still find Alice so unsettling.

EMMETT! Hopefully you have more lines! YES! Omg. Maybe I just have very, very low standards for this film, but Emmett was like, "Dating an older woman? Hot!" and at Edward's contemptuous look, Emmett's like, "...what?" I LOVE HIM. This is my low standards talking, but I love him!

Bella gets a papercut and it's bleeding like a mofo. I've had papercuts and...they're not generally that bad. Like, I don't think my fingers bled as much as hers when I cut myself on the Tomato Witch at work. So Jasper attacks and I think he gets thrown into the piano or something. Bella's all cut up and Edward's just watching her CREEPY.

So this is supposed to be like Romeo and Juliet. Smeyer does know that's about two impetuous morons whose lack of logical thinking ended in their deaths, right?

There is SO MUCH SILENCE in this film. I wish I was watching this shit with RiffTrax. "Line...line...LINE!"

Dear God, I'm only 20 minutes in and already I want to kill myself.

I know this question has been asked a million times. But WHY IN THE WORLD is she attracted to Edward Cullen. Even leaving out all the abusive stalkerness, he's just so bland and humourless and BORING. Like he never cracks jokes, except for last movie when he was like, "Yes, no...to get to the other side." That was one of like three lines I enjoyed (one coming from Charlie, the other from Billy Black).

So now Edward says he has to leave (EDWARD LOOKS SO SCARY) and she's all, "I'LL COME WITH YOU ZOMG" and he's like, "I don't want you to come" and of course, she's devastated because EVERY GIRL NEEDS A MAN. Oh lordy, this is so depressing how she is nothing without Edward.

Edward's lipstick is so...so...red. Like Gwen Stefani red.

Bella runs through the forest and then passes out or falls asleep or something. I dunno, I stopped paying attention because it's so boring. Plus, this is pirated from a theatre-goer so the visual quality isn't great and I can't currently see anything.

WTF? Billy's played by someone else now?

What possible reason could Sam have to walk around in the woods, at night, shirtless? I mean, fanservice is one thing, but REALLY FUCKING DUMB is another.

Oh hey, now Bella's catatonic. We are informed it's October and no she seriously is fucking catatonic. She's just in her room staring at nothing while melancholy music is playing. And now it's November, and she hasn't moved. I can't believe I'm actually looking at this now. Someone decided that THIS PART ACTUALLY HAD TO BE ON SCREEN. December. She hasn't moved yet. Who thought this would actually be a compelling movie?

Bella's screaming in her sleep. POOR CHARLIE. Charlie's such a good dad and then Bella just treats him like dirt.

HA HA HA HA HA there's a bar called "One Eyed Pete's." I would TOTALLY be on that shit like WHITE ON RICE. So anyway, Bella sees the rapists and starts to go over there for whatever reason and then SHE HEARS EDWARD IN HER HEAD and she sees him standing before her. It reminds me of the trailer for "The House on Haunted Hill" where Vincent Price's head is floating in the air and speaking in a disconcerting manner. (For your viewing pleasure: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FmgAsLr2bgI. It looks exactly like that, kind of sad seeing as HOHH was made back in the 50s. Btw: HOHH is a really good movie, better than this crap) The effects in New Moon are so bad, which is weird seeing as how I'm sure this movie had a bigger budget than the first.

Bella gets on a motorcycle with a fatter, sinister, version of Simon Pegg and Jessica freaks out.

Now Bella is putting her life in danger just to see Edward.

Jacob is so sweet in this movie. He obviously enjoys her company and he's so smiley when she's around and he's actually a real friend and a NORMAL DUDE. I like him so much better than Edward. And then Eclipse comes along and Jacob turns into a sexually assaulting loser. But you know, when it comes to Twilight, I'll enjoy my fuzzy feelings where I can get them.

Okay, I'm enjoying Jacob in almost every respect except for his fucking voice. I can't really describe it but it goes really gravelly and he talks like he has rocks in his mouth. I HATE that.

OMG Bella actually said something that was kinda funny and THEN SHE LAUGHED YOU GUYS. Jake was joking around that she had a crush on him and then she was like, "I'm not really into the cougar thing." Okay, it's not Laurel and Hardy, but I will take my laughs where I can get them.

Charlie is so sweet. Ha ha ha ha ha he's talking to Bella about how she should "love what's good for her" (meaning Jacob) and he's like, "What do I know? I'm a terminal bachelor. Famous ladies' man." I love him.

Bella says "mad skillz" and my opinion of her sense of humour plummets again.

Bella and Jacob see some Natives cliff diving and when Jacob says it's a rush, she gets the glimmer of an idea.

Yeah, I'm sure taking off your shirt to put it to Bella's wound was TOTALLY necessary. Bella, woozy in her head traumaed state, calls him beautiful. HOLY SHIT he is buff though. WOW.

Anyhoo, that's it for part 1 solely because I'm on Megavideo and you can only watch 72 minutes at a time and the reloading process is taking FOREVER so I'll just finish this tomorrow. I'll save my sanity that way.

Troll 2 Commentary

I believe it's time for another movie commentary! Joining the hallowed ranks of Body Rock, Twilight, and Labyrinth comes Troll 2, an obscure little movie featuring absolutely no trolls. Made in either 1988 (according to thepiratebay.com), 1990 (according to Wikipedia), or 1992 (according to rottentomatoes.com) the movie was named after the first Troll movie in order to hijack their fans. So without further ado, here is Troll 2.

So it starts with what sounds like an old Native man talking about some guy named Peter, who is inexplicably dressed like a cross between Samwise Gamgee and Peter Pan. The old man is telling us about mischeivous and evil goblins (not trolls). Also, it's not a Native guy. But it sounds like it. The old man is telling this story to his grandson, who sounds like he keeps forgetting his lines mid-sentence. Cue the awesome 80's music! It can't touch Labyrinth in the soundtrack department, but it's still pretty awesome in a hilarious way.

Peter getes knocked out by the goblins and he sees a girl who for whatever reason has freckles painted onto her face. No seriously. PAINTED ON. The girl gives him some green stuff that looks like icing and according to old man, "Peter ate and drank" but as far as I can see, he's only consuming the green stuff, and not a separate food and drink. But I guess it has the consistency of pudding, so it can count as eating AND drinking? Who knows.

Holy crap, fourth wall breakage!

The old dude (grandpa Seth) is still talking about the goblins. The goblins can transform into humans (SPOILER the girl is a goblin). Apparently the goblins still live among us. Peter starts transforming into something green, which, according to Grandpa Seth, is the colour of sap. As far as I can tell, sap is brown.

The way this kid is talking, it's like a bad grade school play. He's even a bad actor by kid standards.

OH HO GRANDPA SETH DOESN'T ACTUALLY EXIST. He's been dead for six months.

This kid's mom is SCARY looking. The 80's must have been a terrible time. The mom also can't act and sounds like she's reading off of cue cards. The writing in this movie is also terrible ALREADY and I'm only like three minutes in. Who actually says shit like, "You must banish him from your mind"? Do these writers even know how people speak?

Whoa, close up of greasy necks. Hot. This girl (Holly) is pumping iron and wearing a crazy looking leotard with a belt, for some reason.

Wtf? Okay, these people are going on a vacation and the dad's like, "Did you know that there are 26 people in Nilbog? We'll live like our ancestors. We'll be peasants and farmers! We'll live like they did a century ago." Okay, my town has a population of about 14 and my dad's a farmer, but we don't live like peasants. I have a computer and an itouch, for crying out loud.

Joshua (the kid) hears noises from outside and looks out his window. He sees some guy pressing his face against the window and freaks out. Now the guys are climbing into Holly's room, and she freaks out. It's her boyfriend Elliot and she inexplicably accuses him of being gay. And honestly, her acting style is like a high school play. Even the acting in Body Rock was better than this.

Ha, I LOVE this. Holly says Elliot hangs out with his friends too much and is like, "You even bring them to bed with you, and I don't believe in group sex!" Wtf? This is so crazy. Anyway, Holly invites Elliot along and he stands her up and the dad randomly calls him her "beau".

This is like watching a really bad home movie. Once me, my brother (Jonas), my sister (Lindsay), my friend (Jessica), and Jessica's brothers (Danny and Devon) made this movie that my sister wrote but I can't remember the plot. Anyway, it was REALLY bad. Mostly I just remember this one scene we had to do like twenty times because Devon kept screwing up his lines. I had to be there because my hand appeared in the scene. He had one line that was "Bartender, another pint!" and then he was supposed to pass out. He actually went, "Bartender, more pint!" but he pronounced it like the "pint" in "Pinto", smiled huge at the camera, and then dropped his head on the table. It was HILARIOUS. I wish I could find that movie.

They're now singing a round of Row Row Row Your Boat but evidently they don't know how rounds work because the mom just keeps singing the same line over and over again.

Now we have some hokey country music or something because clearly everyone in rural areas listens to country music all the time.

Elliot and his friends are also going to Nilbog in a camper or something. Joshua is randomly turning into a tree and he's bleeding from his fingers and it's kind of gross. His family turn into goblins. Josh rips open his shirt because he is now the Hulk. SPOILER Josh is dreaming.

Josh sees Grandpa Seth on the road holding a sign that says "stop them." WAY TO BE CRYPTIC, GRANDPA SETH. You'd think since he was trying to warn Joshua, the sign would say something like, "Beware of the man eating goblins up ahead in the town of Nilborg!" But no.

Troll 2 has 00% on rottentomatoes.com. I wonder if that's worse than 0%?

The dad's like, "we have all the major appliances! A microwave, video, a fridge!" Like there are houses that DON'T have a fridge? Goddammit, Dad, it's a rural area, not Europe in the Dark Ages.

Grandpa Seth shows up and tells Joshua to tell his family to stop eating the food the goblins left behind. Also, Grandpa Seth can stop time. I didn't know ghosts could do that. GS (abbreviated from now on) gives Joshua thirty seconds to stop his family from eating and by now it's been about a minute but I guess Troll 2 has no concept of time. So the family's frozen and Joshua is thinking of a way to get them to stop eating and apparently thinks that walking slowly around the table is a better way to get them to stop eating than like, hitting the food out of their hands or whatever. So what does Joshua finally do to get them to stop eating? He pees on the food. Classic. The dad starts unbuckling his belt and I thought he was going to pee on Joshua to punish him, but he's just tightening his belt to kill the hunger pains, apparently. He also tells Joshua, "YOU CAN'T PISS ON HOSPITALITY!" This movie is great.

The four stooges (Elliot and his friends) are in a hotel or something and Arnold is complaining because there aren't any girls around. Not a hotel. They're in the camper. Where do four teenage boys get a camper? Never mind. Arnold sees a girl with weird green veins on her forehead and runs after her. Apparently he REALLY wants to get laid. Arnold finds the girl and then we see an army of goblins coming after them. Arnold tries to be a hero and get rid of the goblins, and apparently thinks that saying "Listen, you dwarves, get out of here or you're going to be in a lot of trouble" is enough to scare off like ten goblins. Then they get him in the chest with a javelin. The guys back at the camper hear his scream and make some sexual jokes, and then the girl and Arnold run away to a church, where they meet someone who appears to be Morticia Addams' deranged sister.

Update: two reviews and tvtropes.org confirm the release date of Troll 2 as 1990, so that's one mystery cleared up! The rest (how this got made, why there are no trolls in a movie called Troll 2, etc.) still remain enigmatic.

Anyway. The girl drinks the concoction this crazy lady gives her, despite the fact that she's clearly savvy to the ways of the goblins and that Morticia II is clearly evil. Arnold keeps babbling away with his bad acting. The girls appears to be coated in the slime they use at the Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Awards.

"They're eating her! And then they're gonna eat me! OHMIGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWD!" Best line ever, courtesy of Arnold.

Cut to Holly...dancing? Or having a seizure. It's a tossup. I have no idea why this sequence is in here.

Whoaaaaaa, dad's pajamas or unbuttoned WAY too far for comfort.

Holly sees GS in the mirror and freaks out. Dad inquires as to whether she's still smoking dope. Joshua says he'll sleep in Holly's room because she's scared.

So...if GS can appear to anyone (turns out he meant to be in Joshua's room) why doesn't he just appear to Josh's whole family? Dude, as soon as I wrote that, Joshua asked BASICALLY THE SAME THING. Turns out the parents wouldn't listen to GS. And...they'll listen to Joshua telling them the exact same thing? I don't understand.

Whoa, Elliot and one of his friends (Brent, I believe) are sleeping shirtless VERY closely in the same bed. I guess he really is gay.

Drew (one of the friends) gets picked up by Sheriff Gene Freak, who offers him a sandwich. Would you take a sandwich hidden inside a fat and rather sketchy looking sheriff's jacket? I wouldn't, but apparently Drew would. Drew is wearing these flesh coloured shorts and every time I look at him I think he's pantsless. Anyway, Drew goes to get some groceries and asks this guy for coffee, who informs him that coffee is the devil's drink. Drew asks for eggs and bacon, and the guy informs him that everyone in Nilbog are vegetarians and gives Drew some free Nilbog milk. Drew is stumbling around like a drunkard. Everyone is watching him creepily, including someone who looks like a cross between Charles Manson and Ted Bundy.

One of the townspeople tells Drew to go meet Arnold in a church. Cut to Arnold, who is half turned into a plant by Morticia II. She has made a cake that will "beautify the intestines", but why that's necessary, I have no idea.

Omg! "Nilbog! It's goblin spelled backwards! This is their kingdom!"

Side note: I can hear gunshots coming from outside right now. I'm scared.

Why is no one freaked out by Morticia II, AKA Creedence? She's so sketchy, and just described Holly as appetizing and provocative.

I just zoned out for a few minutes. Joshua is looking around in the basement of their house. Ominous zoom in on the skateboard. Perhaps it will come to life? Cut to a scary fundie guy giving a sermon. He is talking about the evils of eating meat. And the skateboards comes into play. Joshua is listening through the floor to this sermon, the skateboard goes down a hole into the sermon, and someone grabs Joshua's face.

Cut to Holly knocking on the door of the camper. Elliot comes out while buttoning his shirt. Apparently he's just coming (heh. Coming) from having a, ahem, "special time" with Brent. Holly asks him to choose between her or his friends (DUH, it's bros before hos!) and he's all "huh?" and she punches him for no reason. Cut to Joshua being manhandled by Gene Freak and the fundie. The goblins are going to force Joshua to eat some "special Nilbog ice cream". The goblins start talking in unison like some kind of scary cult. Dad comes to save the day. Joshua calls them "monstrous fiends", which is something that no ten year old would ever say. Joshua and his dad leave and the goblins follow them ominously but then let them go.

"Your sister Holly's with that playboy son of a Coopers!" What in the world does that mean?

And now the dad is making Elliot choose between Holly and his friends? Can he not have both? Elliot just abandons Brent and the camper. I thought the camper was Elliot's? Never mind.

Drew finds Arnold and tries to save him. Creedence hits Drew so hard he apparently passes out on a bed that looks like it fits in a porno. Creedence brandishes a chainsaw and Arnold asks what she's planning on doing. Hmm, I wonder. The goblins are having a sing song now. The one playing piano apparently doesn't know how a piano works, because her left hand is moving but I hear no sound coming out. The family randomly loves Elliot now, despite the fact they fucking HAAAATED him before. The goblins have prepared a buffet for the family and the fundie is here, despite the fact that the dad had a creepy run-in with him. Apparently he forgot about that whole sequence, because he seems perfectly okay with a bunch of strangers invading his home.

Joshue is sent to his room and calls for GS. A goblin attacks Joshua by jumping out through the mirror, but how this is possible I don't know. And why is the goblin trying to eat Joshua anyway? They hate meat. GS saves Joshua and Creedence screams when the goblin attacking Joshua is attacked by GS. GS pulls out a Molotov. Where was he keeping it? Who knows?

This one line of music has been played over and over again for like three minutes now.

Pastor Freakazoid catches GS and Joshua and banishes GS back (back?) to Hell using the sacred power of the stone. I have no idea what this means, but I think it's funny that GS is basically a demon. Oh wait. Apparently GS isn't actually FROM Hell, but he's going BACK there? I'm not going to try to understand. Pastor Freakazoid gets Molotoved by GS.

I don't get Creedence's purpose. Who is she? What is she doing? Why is she turning people into plants if she doesn't eat them? Why does she now look like a completely different person?

Uh oh, she has the look of love in her eye.

Joshua's family are hiding out in the house and the goblins tell them to eat the sandwiches or they will kill them violently. They decide to have a seance to get GS back.

Cut to Brent watching some bizarre movie on the TV. Some porno music plays from the TV and Creedence is dancing on the TV. Is this the same actress? I don't know. Also, she looks weirdly like Stephenie Meyer, especially in those weird witchy Vogue pictures. Creedence is on the TV imploring Brent to go outside. She's also holding a cob or corn in a very erotic way. Brent looks weirdly like James McAvoy from the side and kinda like Andrew McCarthy from the front. Brent asks Creedence if she likes the camper. What does he expect her to say? "Yes, it's a lovely camper!" I mean, wtf? This is what's known as the infamous corn scene. Creedence pushes Brent onto the bed and offers him corn on the cob. This scene is almost too hot to handle. The two of them start sharing the corn like some kind of demented homage to Lady and the Tramp and the camper starts filling up with popcorn that apparently comes from out of thin air. That's a...useful power, I guess?

Cut to Joshua's family having a seance. Joshua definitely just said "Uncle Seth" instead of "Grandpa Seth." Yeesh. Some fake looking lightning, and all the candles go out. ZOMG this is getting so scary. GS says Joshua has to destroy the stone that gives the goblins their power. They're not so powerful if they can be killed by a Molotov cocktail. Joshua has now turned into a goblin, for whatever reason.

Words are not adequate to describe how horrible this movie really is. Here are some youtube clips:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_OiD6IlBmtk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jqp9eXgXYHU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HyophYBP_w4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIo7Eq4Xq5Y

Joshua didn't turn into a goblin. He just passed out and was forgotten by his family. Thanks, family.

I'm fading fast. GS brings Joshua to the magic stone thingie and it turns out Joshua just has to touch it to kill all the goblins. That's...anticlimactic.

Oh, back to Brent. He's covered in popcorn. Creedence is turning back into Morticia and is screaming (almost left the "s" off, there. That could have been disastrous) for some reason. Then the goblins disappear. That's also anticlimactic. And now the parents finally realized they left their son behind to be eaten by goblins. Great parents they are. GS is dying.

And remember, everyone. It's only the power of goodness that can defeat the goblins. That, and touching the power stone thing.

Creedence comes back and throws Joshua to the goblins. They try to make him eat some weird green crap. Joshua brandishes a baloney sandwich, which apparently is spontaneously killing Creedence. Joshua starts to eat the sandwich and the goblins run away. The whole family appears and they all touch the magic stone. The goblins and Creedence are now all turning into the plant thingies. Why? How would I know? None of this movie makes much sense.

And the goblins are dead. Yay. Not too sure what happened to Brent. Last I saw he was lying on the bed covered in popcorn. Apparently he's still in there.

Joshua finds a baseball that says "Yummy! Mom is so good!" Why does this goblin kid keep throwing baseballs to Joshua? This is the second time. Close up on the mom's boobs and then we see the goblins eating the mom. The goblin asks if Joshua wants some, and that's the end of the movie!

So that was...different. No one can accuse Troll 2 of not being original.

Labyrinth Breakdown

So, today is a commentary on Labyrinth. It was made in 1986 and stars Jennifer Connelly, David Bowie, and various Jim Henson puppets. My sister LOVED this movie when she was little and I've seen it a billion times. Seriously. She made me watch it ALL THE TIME. It's produced by George Lucas, which is cool as well.

Okay, so we start off with some CG owls and awesome 80's music. I believe this is Underground by David Bowie. The synths are amazing. The CG owls are also surprisingly good for it being 1986. Oh, and Frank Oz is in this! He played Yoda.

Seriously, how can you go wrong with Jim Henson? I mean, Muppets, Labyrinth, and Farscape? Awesome.

So Sarah, played by Jennifer Connelly starts off with a dramatic monologue. She was 16 in this movie, and she is so pretty. Turns out she's performing a play. By herself. Can't say I've ever done this. She freaks out because she's late for something and she starts running home.

I think it was a real coup getting David Bowie in this movie. The soundtrack is awesome (especially Underground), and the PANTS. That comes later.

So Sarah's stepmother yells at Sarah because she's late to babysit her little brother and she makes the dog go in the garage and Sarah has a shitfit. Fuck, I canNOT spell Sarah apparently. Sarah yells at her dad for no apparent reason. Sarah is practicing her play and yells at her dad some more. She's wearing the most amazing shirt ever. The sleeves are ginormous and she has some kind of animal print vest?

Sarah freaks out again because her parents took her teddy bear to give to her little brother, who is a baby. Sarah tells Toby (the baby) a story that goes like this: a young girl hated her brother and she was practically a slave and the king of the goblins had fallen in love with her and offered to take the baby away if the girl said the magic words. Cut to a bunch of cute/ugly goblins listening to Sarah and waiting for her to say the words. Back to the story. The girl knew the king would keep the baby forever so she suffered in silence until one day she got really mad. So Toby keeps crying and Sarah's all, "I'll say the words!" but the baby won't shut up. Then Sarah says a rhyme asking the goblin king to come, but those aren't the words. The goblins are disappointed. Then she says, "I wish the goblins would come and take you away." AND THEN TOBY STOPS CRYING. Those goblins work FAST, let me tell you. She gets worried and goes back in. I'm excited because David Bowie shows up soon. The lights won't go on (never a good sign) and she hears weird laughing. These goblins are adorable. They're ugly in a way that makes them cute. Then an owl flies in and turns into DUN DUN DUN....JARETH, THE GOBLIN KING!

See? Magnificent. You can't see "The Area" here but that will come. All things in their time. The more I watch this, the more I come to the conclusion that David Bowie was just great. He looks like a clown with his anime hair and his weird angular eyebrows, but he combines charm and magnetism with villain slime in such a perfect way. He's a great villain. Plus, there's the pants.

I wonder if Bowie watches this sometimes and is like, "What was I THINKING?"

So Sarah asks David Jareth to give the baby back but he won't.

Okay, here's something I'm confused about. According to Wikipedia, Jareth's powers are to manipulate time and space, and to make little crystal balls. I don't really know the purpose of that. What kind of power is that? "I can make snow globes WITH MY MIND." That's the stupidest thing ever.

David Bowie is awesome.

There's this creepy sexual subtext with Jareth (played by a 39 year old David Bowie) and the 15 year old Sarah (played by 16 year old Jennifer Connelly). I never got that when I was little, but I watched this a few days ago and I was like, "whoa."

Anyway, Jareth gives Sarah 13 hours to get through the titular Labyrinth to the castle to save her brother. Sarah starts off through the labyrinth and meets a gobliny type thing named Hoggle who is spraying fairies so they won't bite him.

HEY. Sarah accidentally calls Hoggle "Hogwart." I wonder if JK Rowling is a fan of this film.

Sarah has a shitfit because the labyrinth just goes on and on and then a worm starts talking to her. The worm directs her to a hidden passage. She starts going down a path and the worm tells her to go the other way, and then later muses that going the first way would have led her straight to the castle. Stupid worms.

Cut to Jareth, the goblins, and Toby. And MAGIC DANCE. Toby just looks utterly confused by all these strange creatures. He seriously looks extremely befuddled. I would be too. There are also chickens randomly here. I'm going to try to get a screencap of Bowie here without his cloak. SONG BREAK. He's awesome. For your pleasure, here's a clip:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UoG-xQ9Lqc

"You remind me of the bulge. Pants magic pants!" That's my favourite song of the whole thing.

Damn, he's moving too much to get a good screencap. I tried, but a goblin moved right in front of him as soon as I screencapped it. Never mind, here we go.
Not sure why all the pictures turned out so small.
Not gonna lie...the goblin castle here looks like a good time. It seems like all they do is watch live performances by Bowie, drink, dance, and occasionally play with babies. Good times.

So anyway, now Sarah is mad because the labyrinth keeps changing and she's talking to four rat/dog thingies. It's the classic thought problem where there are two creatures. She can ask one question. One creature always tells the truth, and one creature always lies. The trick is to ask one what the other one would say and then do the opposite. So she goes through a door and then falls among all these disembodied hands. The Helping Hands, ha ha ha. I get it.

Cut to the Goblin Castle. Jareth is mad because Sarah should have given up by now. Funny part: He says that this will lead her back to the beginning (I think) and that she'll give up when she realizes she has to start all over again. Silence. Then he's like, "Well, LAUGH!"

So she's in this dark cavern type thing and Hoggle's randomly there to help her, although his loyalty is in question. So they start going down this path and these faces made of rock are like, "Go back! You're on the wrong path!" But they all lie, especially if you're on the right track. Uh oh, one of Jareth's magical crystal balls are here and leads to a beggar that turns into Jareth.
Look at that. LOOK AT THAT:

Jareth gets mad at Hoggle because he's helping Sarah and threatens to throw him into the Bog of Eternal Stench. More on that later. Also, another great screencap:

Come ON. I can't IMAGINE that they didn't put that shot in there on purpose. They HAD to have known it was a blatant crotch shot. My theory is that it's fanservice for the parents. You had to have SOMETHING for the parents if their kids were anything like my sister, who made the whole family watch this movie at EVERY OPPORTUNITY.

Jareth asks Sarah how she's doing with the labyrinth, she says it's a piece of cake, and he moves the clock forward a few hours and then this weird spiky thing starts coming at them, and every time I see this it reminds me of Raiders of the Lost Ark when that big boulder is coming after Indy. I love run on sentences. So anyway, they escape from the spiky thing and continue on.

So they talk about the Bog of Eternal Stench. When we were little and my sister and I were playing Barbies she invented this thing called the Pit of Stench. It was like the WORST punishment for Barbies and if they even got a little of the bog water on them they would stink forever. I now realize that came from Labyrinth.

Sarah talks to this old guy with a chicken on his head and asks if he knows the way through the Labyrinth. He gives some Yoda-esque advice and then falls asleep.

I don't know why Sarah doesn't just bull her way through this hedge maze she is currently in. I would just push my way through the bushes to the castle. A straight line would be the fastest. So anyway. Sarah hears scary growls and Hoggle runs away. It turns out to be a bunch of little pig thingies terrorizing another cute/ugly creature. Sarah throws rocks at them and they go away. The big furry thing's name is Ludo and she sets him free. He is so adorable.

Then Sarah finds two doors with big doorknockers. One of them starts snarking at her. She knocks and goes through the door to a jungle. Back to Goblin Castle. Okay, Jareth mentions that Toby has his eyes. Does this mean that Toby is his son? It would make sense, since he is so fixated on Toby for some reason, and in the manga sequel, Jareth wants Toby to be his heir. There are so many layers to this movie.

Jareth confronts Hoggle again and warns him again not to help him. Jareth's hair really is insane. I wonder whose idea that hairstyle was. Jareth tells Hoggle to give Sarah a peach and then tells Hoggle that if he Sarah kisses him (Hoggle) he will go immediately to the Bog of Eternal Stench. Another crotch shot. I think they made Hoggle at thigh level just so they could get those shots in. Another song break! This is another Bowie composition called Chilly Down, but it is sung by these weird thingies called Fierys. It's strangely reggae tinged. This scene is also notorious for the bad blue screen effects, even for its time. You can't really tell from the picture, but it's bad.

This song is a total big lipped alligator moment. It makes no sense, has no bearing on the plot, and is never mentioned again. I think it was just another way to shoehorn in a Bowie song.

Hoggle randomly shows up AGAIN to save her. Sarah kisses him and they go immediately to the Bog of Eternal Stench but stop themselves before they fall in. Fun fact: Bogs make farting noises, apparently. They start walking on this narrow walkway and almost fall in multiple times. They find Ludo, who was lost. The try to get across a bridge but a fox(?), Sir Didymus, stops them from crossing. Ludo and Didymus start fighting. Didymus says that he has never met his match before and declares Ludo his brother, but he still won't let them cross. Sarah finally gets his permission and they all set off across the bridge, which collapses underneath Sarah. Ludo calls some rocks (that is his special power, apparently) and they form stepping stones.

Splitting hairs here but...Sarah walks across the stones which are still wet from the bog. Wouldn't she have some on her shoes and then she would stink forever?

And another thing I'm confused about. Didymus calls his "steed", which is actually a dog. I don't know why Sarah isn't like, "OMG, it's my dog!" Because it looks exactly like her dog from the beginning. I thought it actually WAS her dog until she had no reaction at all.

Jareth is like God. Hoggle almost throws the peach in the bog and his voice comes down from the Heavens and is like, "I wouldn't do that if I were you!" Maybe it's because David Bowie is God. IT'S ALL MAKING SENSE NOW.

This is a point brought up in the Labyrinth WMG on tvtropes.org. Hoggle gives her the peach and she's not suspicious at all. She has books of fairy tales and myths in her room. Obviously she's genre savvy in that department. And yet she is not suspicious at all of being offered fruit in a faerie realm from someone whose loyalty is in question.

SONG BREAK. This one is When The World Falls Down. I think. Sarah falls asleep, Didymus and Ludo randomly leave, and Jareth sends crystal balls floating towards her. Seriously, that's a shitty power. Didymus and Ludo finally realize Sarah is not with them.

This is when subtext becomes text. Sarah is now at a goblin masked ball, wearing the most flouncy dress I have ever seen in my life. She seems to be searching for someone. Bowie watches her creepily as the love theme plays. Seriously, this movie is so creepy. I never realized how creepy and sexual it was until I just watched this like three days ago. "I'll place the moooooooooooon within your heart!" Jareth smiles SO CREEPILY. I can't look. And yet he's like one of those villains that you know is a horrible person and you still find yourself attracted to them. I had the same problem with Krycek from The X-Files. I don't know if this is just because he's played by David Bowie, or what. Jareth and Sarah start dancing and I can't help but think about the rumour I read on tvtropes.org that David Bowie and Jennifer Connelly shared a brief relationship on the set. Ew.

I wish David Bowie would sing to me.

Sarah runs away and smashes a window and falls back to the ground. A junkyard, to be exact. She finds a scary little junk lady and it turns out that Sarah forgot what she was doing. The junk lady gives her Lancelot (her teddy bear) and leads her to a perfect replica of her room from home. She tries to go outside but the junk lady is all, "Stay in here. You don't want to go out there" and then starts handing her all these toys. I love this junk lady. She's hilarious. She sounds like an old Ukrainian lady. Then Sarah finds her book that she was reading from at the beginning and she remembers everything. They then go through the gates of the goblin city. The dog switches back and forth from animal to puppet. Then the coolest part of this movie (other than Bowie) appears: A GINORMOUS FREAKING ROBOT. Seriously. It's sweet, if extremely slow moving. Hoggle jumps on top and takes over the controls. Then the robot blows up. It's an awesome sequence, all in all.

Jareth hears that Sarah is in the city and stands up from his throne, showing off his long...cloak. A bunch of goblin soldiers come out and surround them. There's a battle and they all hide in a house. Ludo calls the rocks, which take out all the soldiers. Seriously, calling ROCKS? Granted, it's kind of a badass move in this particular battle, but what kind of stupid power is that?

They finally make it to the goblin castle but no one's there. Sarah's like, "I have to face him alone." It makes me think of Firefly:
Zoe: This is something the captain has to do for himself!
Mal: No! No it's not!
Zoe: Oh. [The three of them start shooting].

Now it's the MC Escher staircase scene and it's another Bowie song. Not sure which one this is. Within You, maybe? Anyway, Sarah sees Toby but she can't get to him. Bowie has an amazing falsetto. This is another creepy sexual scene. Lyrics:
How you turned my world, you precious thing
You starve and near exhaust me
Everything Ive done, Ive done for you
I move the stars for no one

Youve run so long
Youve run so far

Your eyes can be so cruel
Just as I can be so cruel
Though I do believe in you

Yes I do

Live without the sunlight
Love without your heartbeat
I, I cant live within you
I cant live within you

And he has such a look of LONGING in his eyes.
I'm not sure sure what "I can't live within you" actually means, but it sounds not good.

You can't really get it from the pictures, but he has this strange magnetism.

So Sarah jumps off the edge of one of the stairs and finally gets reunited with Toby. Bowie is magnificent.

See? Magnificent. Not sure what's up with the random costume change, but it's AWESOME. So Sarah recites her lines from the play she was rehearsing in the beginning. Jareth is like, "Let me rule you!" It gets weirder. He's like, "Love me, fear me, do what I say, and I will be your slave!" I don't know how I didn't get the sexual subtext the first billion times I saw this. I was young though, that's probably why.

Anyhoodle, Sarah says the line she always forgets, which is, "You have no power over me" and that defeats him, and then she's home and Toby's in his crib. Sarah gives Lancelot to Toby, a symbolic gesture I imagine. Now all her friends from the labyrinth are in her room. It's a DANCE PARTY! No seriously. it's a dance party. Complete with party hats and silly string. Only in the 80's, ladies and gentlemen.

Body Rock

I bought Body Rock for less than two bucks in a Wal-Mart discount bin. In between all the Schwarzenegger movies (seriously, there were like six or seven different ones) Body Rock caught my eye with its colourful cover and catchy tagline: Dance Til You Drop. It looked amazingly cheesy and wonderful and so I bought it.

The cover does not do it justice.

I couldn't find a picture of the DVD cover, which is different. I'm looking at it now and I just noticed that there are dancing people on the word "Rock" and they were wearing the most batshit costumes (well, not as batshit as what is to come). One guy looks kind of like Ben Stiller with a Jewfro with red and yellow workout clothes. Not too bad, right? Well, the next guy is wearing purple shoes and pants, neon green socks, a yellow tank top, and some kind of weird purple fishnet thing haphazardly tied to half his torso. He also has a purple wristband. The next person is wearing fishnets, heels, and some kind of weird shirt which I can't see, and has highly teased blonde hair. The next person is an insanely drugged happy looking person with a beret (?), red pants, and what looks like maybe a leather jacket.

You've got to give Body Rock credit though: the booklet with the DVD acknowledges Body Rock for the piece of crappy cheese (cheesy crap?) that it is. Under Body Rock Trivia, it says, "Despite their onscreen chemistry, Vicki Frederick appears to spend much of the film's dance/seduction sequence attempting to keep Lorenzo Lamas' hands off her breasts." This is true. I'll screencap it when the time comes.

And now, without further ado, Body Rock.

There's a trailer here for a movie that shows four cheerleaders with T-shirts spelling out the word "hots" and the voice over guy says, "Get ready for the wildest, craziest, sexiest..." and then I fast forwarded. Every single time I watch this, I think it's going to turn into porn. I still don't know what the movie's supposed to be about. Ah, the 80's.

I love the smell of Body Rock in the morning.

It opens with a shot of New York at dawn (?) and some insane 80's music. Some gay looking guy with spray paint is talking. There's a little black kid that shows up everywhere. Seriously, everyone appears to be in their twenties, and this kid is like 8 and he goes EVERYWHERE with these people, even clubs where he ostensibly wouldn't be able to go.

Anyhoo, there's a dance sequence where they're cavorting in the middle of the street. I've never been to New York, but...wouldn't that be kind of dangerous?

Now they're graffiti painting walls, which is also known as vandalism.

Okay, there's a lull in action. Let's talk about the ages. I always assumed these people were in high school (they don't have jobs, they randomly go around graffitiing places, and they go to clubs every night.) But the love interest is a nurse, so I don't think they're actually in high school. I honestly have no idea how old they are.

Oh shit, the fuzz! All these delinquents run into a boxcar (?) and now we're suddenly somewhere else. It looks like a temp agency or something.
Best conversation ever. Our hero, Chilly, is in a temp agency being interviewed by a mildly constipated looking women with a fro.




Woman: So, Chester...
Chilly: Chilly.
Woman: Chilly. What kind of job would you like?
Chilly: Basically anything.
Woman: Well, there must be some kind of work you want.
Chilly: Well, I wouldn't want to do anything too...too nasty.
Woman: Such as?
Chilly: Such as, I wouldn't want to be a trash man or something like that.
Woman: If you could do anything you wanted, what would that be?
Chilly: Anything?
Woman: Sure, anything.
Chilly: I would like to be like...Muhammad Ali. In his prime.
[So, he wants to box? I thought he wanted to break dance. Also, this is what he looks like as he says this line:
Woman: So you box!
Chilly: No.

That whole conversation was just pointless. Also, she comments on his wardrobe and asks if he always dresses like that for job interviews. It's a valid question, since he has a headband, a denim vest, and his chest in all of its Sasquatch glory bared for all the world to see. Chilly responds that he "likes to look freeeeeesh." Throughout the whole conversation he sounds mildly sedated.
I love this movie so much.

Now Chilly and some other guy (I honestly don't know anyone's name except his) are in a club (Called Rhythm Nation, and the Body Rock people were actually sued by Janet Jackson's people for using the name.) Chilly makes out with some random chick (really grossly, I might add) and goes into the club. There are some really, really scary looking black dudes all dressed the same (Bloods?)

The black kid is here for no apparent reason. He's like Waldo.

Oh shit, this is the part where Chilly raps! Chilly's friend's sister (Darlene) is at the club and Chilly is eyeing her and says she looks fine. She's dressed kind of like a prude, in a pink dress thingie and a torn sweatshirt, a la Flashdance.
Also, you have to be on something to wear this:


I bet these actors hang their heads in shame.

Now some breakdancing! I wish I could find youtube clips for this. There's some Ron Jeremy looking guy with a mullet who looks like he's high, some Prince lookalike who looks like he just took a shitload of muscle relaxant, some scary black woman who just vibrates and does the robot, a fat guy with the most enormous upper arms I have ever seen, some scary Asian woman who looks like she's doing performance art, a frightening Steve Urkel lookalike who seriously just vibrates like he's seizing, and a bunch of slo-mo performers.

Yay, the black child! He's like 8 and he's honestly the best dancer of them all. Everyone's cheering and clapping, even the scary Bloods guys. I get the feeling that he's really famous in the over 20 crowd for his dancing skills, which is quite a feat. Although he just did this thing where he bounced along on his ass like a dog with worms, so that kind of detracts from his charm.

Now Chilly is at EZ's house (EZ is Darlene's brother) and he's raiding their fridge because he's a mooch. I don't blame him though. His mom's a crack whore, but there's more on that later. Darlene comes out of the bathroom in a towel and Chilly eyes her again like a rapist. Darlene comes into the kitchen and doesn't even see him standing there. She gets scared and he smiles in what I assume is supposed to be a charmingly cheeky way, but it just looks like the leer of a rapist.

PUT AWAY THE CHEST HAIR, LAMAS.

Chilly asks her out. I'm confused as to why these people are ostensibly out of school but they still live at home with their parents. Like, EVERYONE DOES.

Oh, dear Jesus, belly baring shirts on guys. Also, I think Chilly's outfit has to be seen to be believed:


Chilly is at some kind of corporate guy's office, but I'm not too sure who this guy is or why he's there. Now is when the movie gets confusing. Chilly wants this guy to manage him (as a graffiti artist, not a breakdancer). There are a bunch of weird sculptures in this office. Like some kind of black and white ribbon thing, a flower made of lightbulbs, and a weird, silver slinky thing.

Oh. OH! The corporate guy is opening a club and mentions on the phone to someone that he has to find dancers and DJs. AND CHILLY GETS A BRAINWAVE! This guy can hire the Body Rock Crew as entertainment!

So Chilly realizes he can't dance and goes to see the magical black kid. He has a little street stand called "Magick Dance" where he teaches you to dance for a buck. He's hilarious. Chilly's like, "teach me to dance" and the kid's like, "I don't show my magic moves to NO ONE." (Although, if he doesn't show his magic moves, why does he have a stand saying he WILL teach people magic moves? Oh, continuity.) I think I love this kid. Also, the sign looks like it says Magick Lance. See?



Extended dance sequence featuring the black child. I just don't know what went through the writer's mind. Like, "You know what this break dancing movie with a bunch of people in their twenties needs? An eight year old black break dancing prodigy!"

Now there's a shot of animals in the zoo? Why? It's Body Rock, I don't ask questions. The llama's cute, though.

These people are high to just go around to different places and dance.

I'm confused about something else. Chilly is just learning to breakdance NOW, but I thought he turns out to be the bestest dancer of them all. I just don't know.

Holy shit, frightening 300 pound black bouncer with a weird, graffitied shirt.

Lol, Chilly on Terence (the corporate guy): "I don't know, he's kind of funny-looking, I guess. He's got a big, jive-ass smile." Wtf does that mean?

Hey, I think the little black kid is the brother of the leader of the Bloods guys. Like the actual brother. That really strikes me as funny for some reason.

There's a strange cougar with weird eyebrows hitting on Chilly.

I think Chilly raps here. Please God. YES! I can't even describe how hilarious this is. I wish I could find a youtube vid. It just looks so awkward. That was the worst rap I have ever heard in my life. Now we have a bunch of fat dudes with mullets and weird clothes doing some of "peek a boo" dance move, I don't know. The black kid is dancing again. He really is awesome. The Bloods are all pounding their beers on the table in time to the music and generally looking badass.

This kid is amazing. I think he should have been nominated for an Oscar.

The Bloods just smashed beer bottles and two of them start...thumb wrestling? I don't know. Body Rock like, takes place in another dimension. It is just so far out of the realm of reality that it becomes AMAZING.

The people currently dancing make me uncomfortable.

The corporate people left and Chilly is sad.

Oh, the love music is swelling as Chilly is walking Darlene home (sorry, it's actually his house). Ha ha, we're in Chilly's home. The paint on the walls is peeling, the place looks messy and dirty. The chair is all ripped. His mom is sleeping. She's probably a crack whore sleeping off her high. There are sketchy looking stains on the ceiling. And weird pictures of scary cats on the walls. Chilly and Darlene start to kiss, and Mom knocks on the wall. Way to be a cockblock, Mom!

Darlene's shirt has numbers on it. I don't know why. In case she forgets what comes next?

This is the weirdest kiss I have ever seen.

I present to you, Chilly's strung out mom:


Terence calls. The Bloods insulted his entourage apparently. Theo (the leader of the Bloods) did something because he gets "excited when his little brother dances." Aww. Even gangsters have soft sides!

Chilly is wearing some kind of yellow felt monstrosity that shows off his hairy chest.

Dance sequence, and the guys are getting all sweaty. Gross.

Oh, Dear God. There are some glow in the dark skeleton dancers, and one guy with neon lipstick. I wish I was kidding:


This is such a masterpiece, I don't even have the words. I cannot fucking believe I own this movie. I thank Katherine every day for convincing me to buy it.

Lololol one of the skeleton dancers is the black kid and HE HAS HIS OWN LITTLE GROUPIE.

I don't even know where these people are right now. It doesn't look like Rhythm Nation. Maybe it's Terence's new club?

Chilly is in a limo with the corporate people. One girl says she wants to learn to dance and Chilly says it's hard for girls because they get tired easily. Sexist asshole.

The cougar has an amazing hairstyle. Chilly is at the cougar's apartment and the cougar keeps laughing at him, but I don't know why. She sits on the couch and puts her feet straight in the air. Why? It's Body Rock, I don't ask questions. She's now crawling on the top of the couch and trying to be sexy, I imagine. Now, it's the dance seduction sequence!

Sexy.

Chilly's wearing some crazy ass pleather black trench coat with his name graffitied on the back.
He also looks straight into the camera. BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL IS A NO NO, CHILLY. It also unexpectedly pushes this into post-modern territory.

Chilly tells his mom he has to move out because he has to be in a creative environment, around other artists. He is so artsy! Except that he's just mooching off of the cougar, who is now doing some weird dance moonwalk thing.

The camera lingers on Chilly fondling the cougar's ass for an overly long time, and yes, Chilly does this right in front of Terence. Classy.

I don't know why this guy is enamoured of Chilly. He hasn't really danced yet, that I can see. He rapped, but Terence didn't see that. And he didn't sing. Why is Terence signing him?

Chilly randomly starts freestyling really badly in a restaurant.

EZ gets mad because Chilly is jilting (to dispose of a lover callously) Darlene. Because he's been with the cougar. He's kind of an asshole. So Chilly goes to the hospital to apologize to Darlene. She's a nurse, or some such. Then it cuts to them overlooking the river in New York and everything is hunky dory. That was fast.

I want that trench coat for my own. Except it will say "Robin" on the back.

Uh oh. Chilly said his friends would be on the list but the bouncer isn't letting them in. All they have to do is pay the fifteen bucks, but they're really angry at that, for some reason. Well, they're all like 20 without jobs, so I guess they don't have money.

YES, CHILLY SINGS. There is a ginormous ball and a weird double helix looking thing on stage. Chilly also has a strange performing costume.

Yes, he has rhinestones on his face.
There are also some weird background dancers. Some cavewoman, a geisha, someone who resembles Babette from Gilmore Girls, and a black girl with Egyptian garb.
Okay, this is the creepiest song ever. It is called Smooth Talker and was co-written by Michael Sembello, of Maniac fame. It was also released as a single but didn't do very well. Lyrics:

Smooth Talker. Who do you think you are?
It's a hot situation in a physical relation and I'm harder than a rock.
I gotta hole in my pocket where I keep my rocket
And it shows in the way I walk.
Everybody's gotta have a lover, and you know I'm a dirty mutha.
I'm gonna stalk you like an animal and eat you like a cannibal
And make your body pay.
I'm the seventh son, the seventh one, and the sevens keep rollin my way.
Need to find somebody who needs me.
Need to find a little woman to please me.
Keep talkin like a smooth talker.

Now Chilly's at some weird party (subsequent research informs me that it's a gay bar, although this isn't very clear) with the cougar, and she's dancing and hanging all over this guy in a tux. Chilly slaps some guy who touches his precious pleather jacket. There are some guys who look like the gay guys drawn by Jack Chick. (Maybe this should have told me that they were in a gay bar ha ha ha.) The guy in the tux randomly kisses Chilly (probably the most WTF moment in a movie full of them) and Chilly punches him because he's so badass. And Chilly suddenly realizes who his real friends are, awww.

Turns out the guy in the tux is the owner of the club and is paying for Chilly's recording contract and Chilly hit him so he's backing out. This is my third time watching, and finally things are becoming clear. So Terence double crosses him and now Chilly can't use the name, "Body Rock Crew" anymore. I don't think it works like that.

Chilly [To Terence]: Tell me something. Did you ever care?
Are you two partners, or lovers here?

Chilly is all emo and looks at their vandalism and reminisces about the good old days when he would rap badly at Rhythm Nation and the black kid would dance for nickels and everything was good. Chilly goes to the cougar's house but she's wasted and is having a remarkable amount of trouble opening her door. I believe the chick who plays the cougar is a Broadway star. She has fallen far. I'm willing to bet her career never recovered.

Everything Chilly wears has his name on it. In case he forgets, I guess.
The cougar is stripping down and wants to sex it up with Chilly but Chilly suddenly has scruples and he leaves. Cut to the hospital. Darlene is pissed off. I think because she saw him with another girl. She's being remarkably passive aggressive right now.

Ha ha ha ha ha. They had to edit this down to PG-13, so the words coming out of Darlene's mouth are, "No, you just screw!" but her lips say, "No, you just fuck!"

Does everything have to turn into a dance sequence? The little kid is playing basketball with people like twice his age and he randomly starts dancing. Chilly is watching the game and is a contrast in his dark clothes. I wonder if it's some kind of symbol: Chilly loses his way and starts wearing black. I'm willing to bet that near the end, when he's with his friends again, he'll come out wearing some horrendous primary coloured ensemble.

AHHH, GINGER. And a scary clown. And a firebreather. What does this mean? Wtf is this, the apocalypse?

Scary vibrating black man.


It's like a circus sideshow. And there's Chilly, looking ominously at the camera again. There's a fourth wall in the direction you're looking, Chilly.

Now people are dancing in front of a bigass boombox. This is the "Rapstravaganza" that has been mentioned over and over and over but there's no rapping thus far. I don't think this movie needs so many dance sequences.

NO, NOT SMOOTH TALKER AGAIN, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

I have to admit, the dancing is kind of mesmerizing.

WAS I RIGHT OR WAS I RIGHT ABOUT THE SYMBOLISM? Chilly now has like, a white shirt and weird orange chaps or something, and orange suspenders. Wow. Points to Body Rock for an attempt at symbolism. Oh shit, I was wrong about his costume. It's BETTER than I imagined. It's like a white, purple, yellow, and blue jumpsuit thing. Chilly's like, manhandling the cougar now. Seriously, it looks like he's really hurting her. Chilly's shanghaiing the cougar's performance of Smooth Talker and Donald (the guy who kissed Chilly) looks mesmerized by Chilly. I think they have a future together. Never mind, he's telling the sound people to turn off the sound. This movie is confusing. For some reason every person that Chilly calls onstage (all guys) jump up and hug Chilly and Chilly like, carries them for a second. This homoeroticism makes me uncomfortable.

So every one of Chilly's old friends come onstage, except for EZ, who is still mad at Chilly. He leaves. I think Donald has finally succeeded in turning the sound off and he looks really smug/constipated. The people all start clapping because they love Chilly and I think they're attempting to do some weird rhythm thing so he can rap, but I really don't know. Donald looks like he's going to have an aneurysm. EZ's back. The crowd spontaneously starts rapping. Donald puts on...perfume? I don't know. Yay, the Bloods are here! I love them. Donald honestly is like coated in sweat. It's so gross. Chilly and Donald are having a stare down, and you know if Donald was on stage, they would be making out. Donald gives in and the music comes back. Dance break! EZ is happy now and comes on stage and a bunch of other strangely dressed people start dancing.

So then Darlene comes on stage with this crazy colourful dress on and Chilly starts spinning her and they make out really grossly again. Yay, happy ending. The end.

This movie is the best cracked out piece of shit I have ever seen in my life. I love it so much.