Troll 2 Commentary

I believe it's time for another movie commentary! Joining the hallowed ranks of Body Rock, Twilight, and Labyrinth comes Troll 2, an obscure little movie featuring absolutely no trolls. Made in either 1988 (according to thepiratebay.com), 1990 (according to Wikipedia), or 1992 (according to rottentomatoes.com) the movie was named after the first Troll movie in order to hijack their fans. So without further ado, here is Troll 2.

So it starts with what sounds like an old Native man talking about some guy named Peter, who is inexplicably dressed like a cross between Samwise Gamgee and Peter Pan. The old man is telling us about mischeivous and evil goblins (not trolls). Also, it's not a Native guy. But it sounds like it. The old man is telling this story to his grandson, who sounds like he keeps forgetting his lines mid-sentence. Cue the awesome 80's music! It can't touch Labyrinth in the soundtrack department, but it's still pretty awesome in a hilarious way.

Peter getes knocked out by the goblins and he sees a girl who for whatever reason has freckles painted onto her face. No seriously. PAINTED ON. The girl gives him some green stuff that looks like icing and according to old man, "Peter ate and drank" but as far as I can see, he's only consuming the green stuff, and not a separate food and drink. But I guess it has the consistency of pudding, so it can count as eating AND drinking? Who knows.

Holy crap, fourth wall breakage!

The old dude (grandpa Seth) is still talking about the goblins. The goblins can transform into humans (SPOILER the girl is a goblin). Apparently the goblins still live among us. Peter starts transforming into something green, which, according to Grandpa Seth, is the colour of sap. As far as I can tell, sap is brown.

The way this kid is talking, it's like a bad grade school play. He's even a bad actor by kid standards.

OH HO GRANDPA SETH DOESN'T ACTUALLY EXIST. He's been dead for six months.

This kid's mom is SCARY looking. The 80's must have been a terrible time. The mom also can't act and sounds like she's reading off of cue cards. The writing in this movie is also terrible ALREADY and I'm only like three minutes in. Who actually says shit like, "You must banish him from your mind"? Do these writers even know how people speak?

Whoa, close up of greasy necks. Hot. This girl (Holly) is pumping iron and wearing a crazy looking leotard with a belt, for some reason.

Wtf? Okay, these people are going on a vacation and the dad's like, "Did you know that there are 26 people in Nilbog? We'll live like our ancestors. We'll be peasants and farmers! We'll live like they did a century ago." Okay, my town has a population of about 14 and my dad's a farmer, but we don't live like peasants. I have a computer and an itouch, for crying out loud.

Joshua (the kid) hears noises from outside and looks out his window. He sees some guy pressing his face against the window and freaks out. Now the guys are climbing into Holly's room, and she freaks out. It's her boyfriend Elliot and she inexplicably accuses him of being gay. And honestly, her acting style is like a high school play. Even the acting in Body Rock was better than this.

Ha, I LOVE this. Holly says Elliot hangs out with his friends too much and is like, "You even bring them to bed with you, and I don't believe in group sex!" Wtf? This is so crazy. Anyway, Holly invites Elliot along and he stands her up and the dad randomly calls him her "beau".

This is like watching a really bad home movie. Once me, my brother (Jonas), my sister (Lindsay), my friend (Jessica), and Jessica's brothers (Danny and Devon) made this movie that my sister wrote but I can't remember the plot. Anyway, it was REALLY bad. Mostly I just remember this one scene we had to do like twenty times because Devon kept screwing up his lines. I had to be there because my hand appeared in the scene. He had one line that was "Bartender, another pint!" and then he was supposed to pass out. He actually went, "Bartender, more pint!" but he pronounced it like the "pint" in "Pinto", smiled huge at the camera, and then dropped his head on the table. It was HILARIOUS. I wish I could find that movie.

They're now singing a round of Row Row Row Your Boat but evidently they don't know how rounds work because the mom just keeps singing the same line over and over again.

Now we have some hokey country music or something because clearly everyone in rural areas listens to country music all the time.

Elliot and his friends are also going to Nilbog in a camper or something. Joshua is randomly turning into a tree and he's bleeding from his fingers and it's kind of gross. His family turn into goblins. Josh rips open his shirt because he is now the Hulk. SPOILER Josh is dreaming.

Josh sees Grandpa Seth on the road holding a sign that says "stop them." WAY TO BE CRYPTIC, GRANDPA SETH. You'd think since he was trying to warn Joshua, the sign would say something like, "Beware of the man eating goblins up ahead in the town of Nilborg!" But no.

Troll 2 has 00% on rottentomatoes.com. I wonder if that's worse than 0%?

The dad's like, "we have all the major appliances! A microwave, video, a fridge!" Like there are houses that DON'T have a fridge? Goddammit, Dad, it's a rural area, not Europe in the Dark Ages.

Grandpa Seth shows up and tells Joshua to tell his family to stop eating the food the goblins left behind. Also, Grandpa Seth can stop time. I didn't know ghosts could do that. GS (abbreviated from now on) gives Joshua thirty seconds to stop his family from eating and by now it's been about a minute but I guess Troll 2 has no concept of time. So the family's frozen and Joshua is thinking of a way to get them to stop eating and apparently thinks that walking slowly around the table is a better way to get them to stop eating than like, hitting the food out of their hands or whatever. So what does Joshua finally do to get them to stop eating? He pees on the food. Classic. The dad starts unbuckling his belt and I thought he was going to pee on Joshua to punish him, but he's just tightening his belt to kill the hunger pains, apparently. He also tells Joshua, "YOU CAN'T PISS ON HOSPITALITY!" This movie is great.

The four stooges (Elliot and his friends) are in a hotel or something and Arnold is complaining because there aren't any girls around. Not a hotel. They're in the camper. Where do four teenage boys get a camper? Never mind. Arnold sees a girl with weird green veins on her forehead and runs after her. Apparently he REALLY wants to get laid. Arnold finds the girl and then we see an army of goblins coming after them. Arnold tries to be a hero and get rid of the goblins, and apparently thinks that saying "Listen, you dwarves, get out of here or you're going to be in a lot of trouble" is enough to scare off like ten goblins. Then they get him in the chest with a javelin. The guys back at the camper hear his scream and make some sexual jokes, and then the girl and Arnold run away to a church, where they meet someone who appears to be Morticia Addams' deranged sister.

Update: two reviews and tvtropes.org confirm the release date of Troll 2 as 1990, so that's one mystery cleared up! The rest (how this got made, why there are no trolls in a movie called Troll 2, etc.) still remain enigmatic.

Anyway. The girl drinks the concoction this crazy lady gives her, despite the fact that she's clearly savvy to the ways of the goblins and that Morticia II is clearly evil. Arnold keeps babbling away with his bad acting. The girls appears to be coated in the slime they use at the Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Awards.

"They're eating her! And then they're gonna eat me! OHMIGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWD!" Best line ever, courtesy of Arnold.

Cut to Holly...dancing? Or having a seizure. It's a tossup. I have no idea why this sequence is in here.

Whoaaaaaa, dad's pajamas or unbuttoned WAY too far for comfort.

Holly sees GS in the mirror and freaks out. Dad inquires as to whether she's still smoking dope. Joshua says he'll sleep in Holly's room because she's scared.

So...if GS can appear to anyone (turns out he meant to be in Joshua's room) why doesn't he just appear to Josh's whole family? Dude, as soon as I wrote that, Joshua asked BASICALLY THE SAME THING. Turns out the parents wouldn't listen to GS. And...they'll listen to Joshua telling them the exact same thing? I don't understand.

Whoa, Elliot and one of his friends (Brent, I believe) are sleeping shirtless VERY closely in the same bed. I guess he really is gay.

Drew (one of the friends) gets picked up by Sheriff Gene Freak, who offers him a sandwich. Would you take a sandwich hidden inside a fat and rather sketchy looking sheriff's jacket? I wouldn't, but apparently Drew would. Drew is wearing these flesh coloured shorts and every time I look at him I think he's pantsless. Anyway, Drew goes to get some groceries and asks this guy for coffee, who informs him that coffee is the devil's drink. Drew asks for eggs and bacon, and the guy informs him that everyone in Nilbog are vegetarians and gives Drew some free Nilbog milk. Drew is stumbling around like a drunkard. Everyone is watching him creepily, including someone who looks like a cross between Charles Manson and Ted Bundy.

One of the townspeople tells Drew to go meet Arnold in a church. Cut to Arnold, who is half turned into a plant by Morticia II. She has made a cake that will "beautify the intestines", but why that's necessary, I have no idea.

Omg! "Nilbog! It's goblin spelled backwards! This is their kingdom!"

Side note: I can hear gunshots coming from outside right now. I'm scared.

Why is no one freaked out by Morticia II, AKA Creedence? She's so sketchy, and just described Holly as appetizing and provocative.

I just zoned out for a few minutes. Joshua is looking around in the basement of their house. Ominous zoom in on the skateboard. Perhaps it will come to life? Cut to a scary fundie guy giving a sermon. He is talking about the evils of eating meat. And the skateboards comes into play. Joshua is listening through the floor to this sermon, the skateboard goes down a hole into the sermon, and someone grabs Joshua's face.

Cut to Holly knocking on the door of the camper. Elliot comes out while buttoning his shirt. Apparently he's just coming (heh. Coming) from having a, ahem, "special time" with Brent. Holly asks him to choose between her or his friends (DUH, it's bros before hos!) and he's all "huh?" and she punches him for no reason. Cut to Joshua being manhandled by Gene Freak and the fundie. The goblins are going to force Joshua to eat some "special Nilbog ice cream". The goblins start talking in unison like some kind of scary cult. Dad comes to save the day. Joshua calls them "monstrous fiends", which is something that no ten year old would ever say. Joshua and his dad leave and the goblins follow them ominously but then let them go.

"Your sister Holly's with that playboy son of a Coopers!" What in the world does that mean?

And now the dad is making Elliot choose between Holly and his friends? Can he not have both? Elliot just abandons Brent and the camper. I thought the camper was Elliot's? Never mind.

Drew finds Arnold and tries to save him. Creedence hits Drew so hard he apparently passes out on a bed that looks like it fits in a porno. Creedence brandishes a chainsaw and Arnold asks what she's planning on doing. Hmm, I wonder. The goblins are having a sing song now. The one playing piano apparently doesn't know how a piano works, because her left hand is moving but I hear no sound coming out. The family randomly loves Elliot now, despite the fact they fucking HAAAATED him before. The goblins have prepared a buffet for the family and the fundie is here, despite the fact that the dad had a creepy run-in with him. Apparently he forgot about that whole sequence, because he seems perfectly okay with a bunch of strangers invading his home.

Joshue is sent to his room and calls for GS. A goblin attacks Joshua by jumping out through the mirror, but how this is possible I don't know. And why is the goblin trying to eat Joshua anyway? They hate meat. GS saves Joshua and Creedence screams when the goblin attacking Joshua is attacked by GS. GS pulls out a Molotov. Where was he keeping it? Who knows?

This one line of music has been played over and over again for like three minutes now.

Pastor Freakazoid catches GS and Joshua and banishes GS back (back?) to Hell using the sacred power of the stone. I have no idea what this means, but I think it's funny that GS is basically a demon. Oh wait. Apparently GS isn't actually FROM Hell, but he's going BACK there? I'm not going to try to understand. Pastor Freakazoid gets Molotoved by GS.

I don't get Creedence's purpose. Who is she? What is she doing? Why is she turning people into plants if she doesn't eat them? Why does she now look like a completely different person?

Uh oh, she has the look of love in her eye.

Joshua's family are hiding out in the house and the goblins tell them to eat the sandwiches or they will kill them violently. They decide to have a seance to get GS back.

Cut to Brent watching some bizarre movie on the TV. Some porno music plays from the TV and Creedence is dancing on the TV. Is this the same actress? I don't know. Also, she looks weirdly like Stephenie Meyer, especially in those weird witchy Vogue pictures. Creedence is on the TV imploring Brent to go outside. She's also holding a cob or corn in a very erotic way. Brent looks weirdly like James McAvoy from the side and kinda like Andrew McCarthy from the front. Brent asks Creedence if she likes the camper. What does he expect her to say? "Yes, it's a lovely camper!" I mean, wtf? This is what's known as the infamous corn scene. Creedence pushes Brent onto the bed and offers him corn on the cob. This scene is almost too hot to handle. The two of them start sharing the corn like some kind of demented homage to Lady and the Tramp and the camper starts filling up with popcorn that apparently comes from out of thin air. That's a...useful power, I guess?

Cut to Joshua's family having a seance. Joshua definitely just said "Uncle Seth" instead of "Grandpa Seth." Yeesh. Some fake looking lightning, and all the candles go out. ZOMG this is getting so scary. GS says Joshua has to destroy the stone that gives the goblins their power. They're not so powerful if they can be killed by a Molotov cocktail. Joshua has now turned into a goblin, for whatever reason.

Words are not adequate to describe how horrible this movie really is. Here are some youtube clips:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_OiD6IlBmtk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jqp9eXgXYHU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HyophYBP_w4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIo7Eq4Xq5Y

Joshua didn't turn into a goblin. He just passed out and was forgotten by his family. Thanks, family.

I'm fading fast. GS brings Joshua to the magic stone thingie and it turns out Joshua just has to touch it to kill all the goblins. That's...anticlimactic.

Oh, back to Brent. He's covered in popcorn. Creedence is turning back into Morticia and is screaming (almost left the "s" off, there. That could have been disastrous) for some reason. Then the goblins disappear. That's also anticlimactic. And now the parents finally realized they left their son behind to be eaten by goblins. Great parents they are. GS is dying.

And remember, everyone. It's only the power of goodness that can defeat the goblins. That, and touching the power stone thing.

Creedence comes back and throws Joshua to the goblins. They try to make him eat some weird green crap. Joshua brandishes a baloney sandwich, which apparently is spontaneously killing Creedence. Joshua starts to eat the sandwich and the goblins run away. The whole family appears and they all touch the magic stone. The goblins and Creedence are now all turning into the plant thingies. Why? How would I know? None of this movie makes much sense.

And the goblins are dead. Yay. Not too sure what happened to Brent. Last I saw he was lying on the bed covered in popcorn. Apparently he's still in there.

Joshua finds a baseball that says "Yummy! Mom is so good!" Why does this goblin kid keep throwing baseballs to Joshua? This is the second time. Close up on the mom's boobs and then we see the goblins eating the mom. The goblin asks if Joshua wants some, and that's the end of the movie!

So that was...different. No one can accuse Troll 2 of not being original.