Edit: Someone left a puzzling comment on this post. I don't understand its significance.
I only have three chapters left so I'm getting this shit done in one fell swoop so I can concentrate on my NaNo and actual school work.
CHAPTER 23
Buck goes to Chicago and is greeted by a young woman in "sensible shoes." APPARENTLY this is slang somewhere for "lesbian" but if this wasn't a conscious decision on the part of Jenkins, why in the world would you describe someone as having sensible shoes?
Anyhoo, this woman is showing resourcefulness, independence, and whatever the opposite of submission is. Naturally, she will have a tragic ending.
"This is the world we've always wanted it and hoped it would be!"
Yeah, Buck, what's the matter? This is the world we've always wanted, with a third of the inhabitants (including all children) gone! And supposedly there's chaos and death everywhere! What's wrong with you? This world is awesome!
Chloe is like a Stepford Wife after her conversion. Before she was independent and had her own mind. Now she's all smiley and buys completely into whatever Rayford and Bruce tell her. It's freaky.
It's always such a shock whenever people talk about Bruce's youth, because I ALWAYS imagine him as Rene Angelil.
"Your friends, the Steeles, told me you might call," Bruce said.
Buck was struck by his honesty. In the world in which Buck moved, he might have kept that information to himself, that edge.
What edge? What edge does knowing that Buck might call give Bruce? And why would Buck think that Bruce, a pastor of a small church, would need an edge?
LMAO. Buck, Buck, Buck. Bruce is telling Buck about his history, about becoming a pastor but not really accepting Christ. And then Buck interrupts and asks if Bruce wants to know more about him. WHAT. First, who narcissistic is that? "Hey, you want to know more about me?" Second, YOU DON'T DO THAT IN INTERVIEWS. I thought Buck was the bestest reporter in the world! And yet he doesn't even know any rudimentary interviewing rules.
"He had feared Bruce was about to pop the question."
Yes, technically you can pop ANY question, but when have you seen that phrase outside stories about marriage proposal?
"But I have enough energy to go to midnight if you do."
Remember what I said about taking any line and making it into a that's what she said joke? Yeah.
Suddenly, Bruce is sure that Carpathia is the Antichrist. Wasn't it a few chapters ago that he wasn't sure or he didn't think so or something? CONTINUITY, JENKINS.
CHAPTER 24
Last chapter, Steve had asked Buck to bring Hattie to the Antichrist and this completely weirded Buck out, and he likened himself to a pimp. So, engineering it so you get the seat on a plane beside a girl you hardly know isn't creepy, but organizing a meeting between your two friends is?
Apparently Steve thought Buck was "the toughest bird dog" he ever sent on a story. Bird dog?
Buck and Steve proceed to have a coded phone message that will fool exactly no one, outside of infants and severely mentally damaged people. Here's what I mean. Buck is trying to get Steve to admit who he REALLY works for.
"You work for the Romanian businessman?"
GEE, I WONDER WHO THAT COULD BE.
"And I shouldn't broach the subject with him, in spite of the fact that I'm a writer who covers all bases and asks the tough questions?"
Writer? Wrong.
Covers all bases? Wrong.
Asks tough questions? Wrong.
Buck is the most unself-aware person I have ever had the displeasure of reading about.
BUCK IS SO STUPID. Bruce mentions that he thought Carpathia came from a mountainous region because of his name. Buck's all, "Durrrr...his name?" DUH, YOU DUMBASS, THE CARPATHIAN MOUNTAINS. Let's add "Carpathian" to the words he doesn't know the meaning of, in addition to "tape" and "how".
Hattie's got some BACKBONE, people! Buck calls her to advise her not to go visit Carpathia, and he says he's doing it "as a friend."
"You're not my friend, Buck. It was obvious you didn't even like me. I tried to shove you off onto Rayford Steele's little girl, and I'm not even sure you had the brains to pick up on that."
It's obvious here that they're trying to portray Hattie as some kind of hellish bitch, but the only thing running through my mind is, YOU GO GIRL. Dare I say it? I almost kind of love her. I guess now that Chloe's gone ("She's dead, Jim) I have to like a character just to keep from self-harm, and Hattie's it.
Chloe mentions to her father that she wants to invite Hattie for lunch, and Rayford's all, "I thought you didn't even like her." Since when? I thought they were kind of buddies. Didn't they go to the beauty salon together or something?
Others had noticed his [Buck's] purposeful stride.
This is something Buck and I have in common, and that makes me pretty unhappy. Apparently I "walk with purpose". The only difference is I'm not vain about this. Why would you be? Why would one of your selling points be a "purposeful stride"?
Didn't everyone love Carpathia once upon a time? It seems really sudden that everyone is so suspicious of him.
CHAPTER 25
Almost done, guys. Almost done.
This whole thing at the UN becomes funnier once you realize that LaHaye believes the UN is an agent of Satan. Here's what else he thinks is just a front for Satan:
Planned Parenthood
Some organization that is a proponent of equality
The State Department
Major foundations (Carnegie and Ford, etc)
the UN
Left wing politicians
Various Ivy League schools
So basically, people who want equality, proponents of global peace, proponents of education, and organizations whose purpose is to help children whose parents can't take care of them.
Tim LaHaye is batshit. His views on homosexuality are vile. From Wikipedia:
In 1978 LaHaye published The Unhappy Gays , which was later retitled What Everyone Should Know About Homosexuality. The book called homosexuals "militant, organized" and "vile." The Unhappy Gays also argues that gays share 16 pernicious traits, including "incredible promiscuity," "deceit," "selfishness," "vulnerability to sadism-masochism" and "poor health and an early death." He speculates whether those who accept gays even though they are so unhappy or "those who practiced Old Testament capital punishment" on gays are more "cruel and inhuman." He has called the book "a model of compassion." He believes that homosexuality can be cured. However, he says that such conversions are rare.
His wife is equally crazy. I think she runs some kind of organization that is anti-feminist, and also hates gays:
"In a mailing sent to the group's members she wrote that gays and lesbians "want their depraved 'values' to become our children's values. Homosexuals expect society to embrace their immoral way of life. Worse yet, they are looking for new recruits!""
Look, I'm friends with gay people. IN NO WAY are they looking to "recruit" anyone. I have never heard of ANY gay people being like, "Come be gay too! It's fun!" You know? That's so crazy.
Anyway, back to Left Behind.
Hattie is now Carpathia's personal assistant. Carpathia seems to think that he now employs Buck, but I'm not sure why.
I...kind of like Damien. He's...kind of badass. I feel a little nauseated admitting liking anyone and twice in one post is a little much. Anyway, he's getting ready to kill Stonagal, who's some businessman guy. I don't know. Anyway, he's like to Hattie, "Move your chair back, don't want you to get dirty." It's at least a passable attempt at writing a badass character, and I have to give Jenkins that.
So Damien kills Stonagal and Todd-Cothran (another businessman. Or something). Damien then brainwashes everyone into believing that Stonagal took the security guard's gun and killed Todd-Cothran.
"...Jonathan Stonagal told me as recently as at breakfast this morning that he felt personally responsible for two recent deaths in England and that he could no longer live with the guilt."
How was he responsible? For being British?
Anyhoo, Buck isn't affected by Damien's voodoo because he has God on his side! But shit, what's he going to do when they question him? He says nothing and Damien puts words in his mouth. Okay, yeah, THAT WAS LUCKY. So Buck calls Steve, who doesn't remember Buck being in the room when the "suicide" happened. Why would Damien brainwash Steve to think that? It seems pointless.
Uh oh. Bailey demoted Cameron, who now is working for the chick with the sensible shoes in Chicago. Buck won't like that.
And...that's the end. You know, I don't even KNOW if that was more tedious than Twilight. Twilight is my measurement of horrible books, but Left Behind seems to be in a category of its own. I might go look for the second book and/or the movie sometime. But for now I won't be posting as much because of NaNoWriMo.
Showing posts with label Left Behind. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Left Behind. Show all posts
Thursday, November 05, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Left Behind Chapters 7 and 8
CHAPTER 7
Weird word/phrase- Dangedest
Buck gets into the chartered jet and the pilot mentions something about puddle jumpers, because we are now on Atlantis in the Pegasus galaxy. The pilot (Ken) asks Buck what he thinks of the disappearances.
"Funny you should ask," Buck said. "I've got to start working on that in earnest today."
Yes, because there definitely weren't any good interviews to be had from anyone in the airport or any of the rescue teams. Buck is the worst journalist ever.
Ken's talking about aliens:
"They don't even take seriously anything strange within several miles of an airport. That's why you never hear stories of UFOs near O'Hare."
Yes, except for these:
http://news.sky.com/skynews/Home/Sky-News-Archive/Article/200806413559776
http://www.ufo-blogger.com/2008/06/disc-spotted-near-ohare-within-15.html
http://www.flickr.com/photos/chuckcirino/351112882/
This book would be SO much better if it actually was about aliens. Or if there was less of an emphasis on religion (as much as there can be, with an interpretation of Revelations). You know who also kind of wrote about the Rapture? Dean Koontz, in The Taking. The Taking is a fantastic, fantastic book. It describes the world post-disappearances very well and has an atmosphere of eerieness and confusion. It's just great. I'd rather be reading that right now.
Meanwhile, Rayford has no interest in anything except waiting for Chloe to get home. He somehow 100% knows that the Rapture has happened and so is trying to figure out what happened by looking in Irene's Bible.
Rayford was revered, proudly introduced as a 747 captain to newcomers and guests.
I would think he'd be less revered when they find out that he only makes about 25K a year.
Back to Buck. Ken seems to think it's more important to talk about old boxers (the sport, not the underwear) than it is to, oh, I don't know, TALK ABOUT HOW OVER A BILLION PEOPLE DISAPPEARED INTO THIN AIR?
Fortunately, Buck was in great shape.
Phew! I was worried. You know, little known fact: spending lots of time in airplanes and in front of a computer screen= great exercise! You know that all those journalists have washboard abs. Heck, I'm staring at mine right now.
Discussing a plane that went down with no survivors:
"And this was after the disappearances?"
"Just last night. Totally unrelated."
"Wouldn't that have been a kick in the teeth?"
"Indeed."
Rayford, as per usual, shows no emotion whatsoever in the face of human tragedy. Maybe the fact that he is apparently conversing with Teal'c from Stargate SG-1 is rubbing off on him.
CHAPTER 8
Buck and his editor Steve are discussing a presidential election in Romania, because nothing else interesting is going on in the world, obviously.
"People took dirt naps."
"Ooh Steve, you talk just like a mobster."
Ooh, Steve, talk dirty to me!
Methinks Buck is supposed to come off as dashing and cavalier but...he doesn't.
Wtf, Rayford? He comes to the conclusion that "this is the word season of his life." First, DUH. Second, season? As opposed to week? Then he mentions that he's glad his parents died because they were sick. Really? You're going to use the word "glad?" That sounds really, really...unfeeling. Even if my parents had Alzheimer's before, I would be devastated if they both died around the same time! Rayford is a cyborg. I will bet you anything he's a proponent of utilitarian bioethics.
Rayford calls being a pilot a "highly paid" profession. I just saw the new Michael Moore doc and the only part that really stuck is that pilots don't get paid nearly enough. Maybe it was different in '95.
We learn that Irene dropped out of college when she got married, just like good little girls are supposed to.
"...he didn't enjoy having a pregnant wife."
Well, who's fucking fault is that?
We also learn that Rayford stayed away from home as much as possible while Irene was pregnant. WAY TO BE A MAN, ASSHOLE.
Rayford wants Chloe home. Not because he cares about her welfare or because he misses her, but because she would "assuage his grief and pain." Buck is a moron, but Rayford is almost evil.
You guys, here's a joke!
Ozark spelled backward is Krazo.
Ho ho ho! It's funny because Krazo kind of sounds like crazy.
So Hattie calls and Rayford is an ass and then he wonders "How selfish can I be?" showing a rare glimpse of self-awareness that I'm assuming will never rear its head again.
Hattie calls Buck to tell him about how Rayford was an ass and Buck is also an ass, rolling his eyes and saying he can understand Rayford's actions. Would it kill anyone to just show a little sympathy to Hattie?
Maybe Hattie showed more depth and sense when she wasn't under stress.
SERIOUSLY? This from the guy who has made no move to help anyone else? Hattie is the only one in the book so far who has even indicated that she cares about anyone other than herself. l;akdshf;asdhfasdfsd.
Weird word/phrase- Dangedest
Buck gets into the chartered jet and the pilot mentions something about puddle jumpers, because we are now on Atlantis in the Pegasus galaxy. The pilot (Ken) asks Buck what he thinks of the disappearances.
"Funny you should ask," Buck said. "I've got to start working on that in earnest today."
Yes, because there definitely weren't any good interviews to be had from anyone in the airport or any of the rescue teams. Buck is the worst journalist ever.
Ken's talking about aliens:
"They don't even take seriously anything strange within several miles of an airport. That's why you never hear stories of UFOs near O'Hare."
Yes, except for these:
http://news.sky.com/skynews/Home/Sky-News-Archive/Article/200806413559776
http://www.ufo-blogger.com/2008/06/disc-spotted-near-ohare-within-15.html
http://www.flickr.com/photos/chuckcirino/351112882/
This book would be SO much better if it actually was about aliens. Or if there was less of an emphasis on religion (as much as there can be, with an interpretation of Revelations). You know who also kind of wrote about the Rapture? Dean Koontz, in The Taking. The Taking is a fantastic, fantastic book. It describes the world post-disappearances very well and has an atmosphere of eerieness and confusion. It's just great. I'd rather be reading that right now.
Meanwhile, Rayford has no interest in anything except waiting for Chloe to get home. He somehow 100% knows that the Rapture has happened and so is trying to figure out what happened by looking in Irene's Bible.
Rayford was revered, proudly introduced as a 747 captain to newcomers and guests.
I would think he'd be less revered when they find out that he only makes about 25K a year.
Back to Buck. Ken seems to think it's more important to talk about old boxers (the sport, not the underwear) than it is to, oh, I don't know, TALK ABOUT HOW OVER A BILLION PEOPLE DISAPPEARED INTO THIN AIR?
Fortunately, Buck was in great shape.
Phew! I was worried. You know, little known fact: spending lots of time in airplanes and in front of a computer screen= great exercise! You know that all those journalists have washboard abs. Heck, I'm staring at mine right now.
Discussing a plane that went down with no survivors:
"And this was after the disappearances?"
"Just last night. Totally unrelated."
"Wouldn't that have been a kick in the teeth?"
"Indeed."
Rayford, as per usual, shows no emotion whatsoever in the face of human tragedy. Maybe the fact that he is apparently conversing with Teal'c from Stargate SG-1 is rubbing off on him.
CHAPTER 8
Buck and his editor Steve are discussing a presidential election in Romania, because nothing else interesting is going on in the world, obviously.
"People took dirt naps."
"Ooh Steve, you talk just like a mobster."
Ooh, Steve, talk dirty to me!
Methinks Buck is supposed to come off as dashing and cavalier but...he doesn't.
Wtf, Rayford? He comes to the conclusion that "this is the word season of his life." First, DUH. Second, season? As opposed to week? Then he mentions that he's glad his parents died because they were sick. Really? You're going to use the word "glad?" That sounds really, really...unfeeling. Even if my parents had Alzheimer's before, I would be devastated if they both died around the same time! Rayford is a cyborg. I will bet you anything he's a proponent of utilitarian bioethics.
Rayford calls being a pilot a "highly paid" profession. I just saw the new Michael Moore doc and the only part that really stuck is that pilots don't get paid nearly enough. Maybe it was different in '95.
We learn that Irene dropped out of college when she got married, just like good little girls are supposed to.
"...he didn't enjoy having a pregnant wife."
Well, who's fucking fault is that?
We also learn that Rayford stayed away from home as much as possible while Irene was pregnant. WAY TO BE A MAN, ASSHOLE.
Rayford wants Chloe home. Not because he cares about her welfare or because he misses her, but because she would "assuage his grief and pain." Buck is a moron, but Rayford is almost evil.
You guys, here's a joke!
Ozark spelled backward is Krazo.
Ho ho ho! It's funny because Krazo kind of sounds like crazy.
So Hattie calls and Rayford is an ass and then he wonders "How selfish can I be?" showing a rare glimpse of self-awareness that I'm assuming will never rear its head again.
Hattie calls Buck to tell him about how Rayford was an ass and Buck is also an ass, rolling his eyes and saying he can understand Rayford's actions. Would it kill anyone to just show a little sympathy to Hattie?
Maybe Hattie showed more depth and sense when she wasn't under stress.
SERIOUSLY? This from the guy who has made no move to help anyone else? Hattie is the only one in the book so far who has even indicated that she cares about anyone other than herself. l;akdshf;asdhfasdfsd.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Left Behind Chapters 5 and 6
CHAPTER 5
Buck Williams stops to take inventory, because this is suddenly an RPG. He also carries a murse. He has stuff in a special pouch in his jeans IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. Seriously though, is this a money belt? Because those don't generally go inside your jeans. You'll get weird looks whenever you whip it out.
Now Buck is telling us about his overseas laundry methods. NO ONE GIVES A SHIT. Buck continues telling us about things about which we don't give a shit, like the time he scooped some people on a sports story. Yes, you can say that they don't like you because you scooped them, but for God's sake we don't need any more details than that. Oh, and THEN we get shown the conversation the two have about said scooped story. Seriously, Tim and Jerry? We don't get any details about burning wreckage at the airports or the suicidal pilot or the way people feel about the disappearances or the grieving people, but we get enormous detail about A SCOOPED SPORTS STORY THAT HAPPENED A LONG TIME AGO? And then the chick he's talking to goes into an impromptu Jesus speech. Dear God, let's just get back to the "action", such that it is, already.
So Buck's talking about why he was overseas in the first place. We get all this unnecessary detail about following a tip from a conspiracy theorist former classmate blah blah I'm just going to skip it.
I love how all these names are ridiculously manly. Rayford. Buck. Dirk.
"I wish I could say I tried to call you Hattie, but I didn't. This is hard for me."
Well that's comforting. Like it's not hard for Hattie either? Or any of the friggin' BILLIONS OF PEOPLE WHO HAD RELATIVES DISAPPEAR? Rayford is such a prick. Before he was all lusting after Hattie but making her work for it and all of a sudden he's completely cold but Hattie is still worrying about him.
Wtf? This is so mean:
Losing his wife and child made him realize what a vapid relationship he had been pursuing with a twenty-seven-year-old woman. He hardly knew her, and he certainly didn't much care what happened to her family any more than he cared when he heard about a remote tragedy on the news.
What an awful thing to say! Most people care about their coworkers, even if they're not really friends. I know if I was still at the cafe and an acquaintance (we'll say Teneille) came to work all, "OMG! My family disappeared without a trace!" I'd at least be empathetic. It's called BASIC DECENCY.
Here's why I'm confused about Rayford though. He's ostensibly the "protagonist" inasmuch as we see everything through his eyes. But he hasn't been "saved" and so is a "bad person." Am I supposed to relate to him? But then Tim and Jerry are saying that I'm a bad person too. But why would I want to be in the head of such an awful, awful person? (Not awful because he's unsaved, but awful because he's a truly sociopathic human being.) I assume this will not become clear.
Hattie's so stupid. Find someone who actually cares about other people, okay?
Back to Buck. He calls a private pilot who is basically gouging passengers who want to get places. I love how human decency goes out the window just hours after a disaster. Maybe I'm just being idealistic, but I feel it should take longer, or there should be some actually good people out there. We haven't met anyone yet who cares about helping other people, and I think there should be at least a FEW. In the wake of 9/11, there were tons of volunteers, but apparently not when people disappear.
This was written in 1995, and I was only five then. But...should you be allowed to check your voicemail on a phone miles away while you're on a payphone? Somehow I think this shouldn't be possible.
Buck is describing his brother and sister-in-law. They had a tumultuous marriage, but the wife had been "forgiving and conciliatory", which means that she gets a free pass to Heaven! Woo hoo! We also get told that Jeff's children both look like him and are "precious." This is integral to the story.
"This is too strange, isn't it?"
Somehow, that wouldn't be my first reaction. It would be something like, "WHAT THE FUCK BILLIONS DISAPPEARED INTO THING AIR? THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE, IT MUST BE ALIENS WHAT THE FUCK WHERE THE HELL IS EVERYONE?" Buck seems to be talking about like, someone who can shoot milk out of their nose.
Here's what confuses me about the Rapture. The "saved" people go to Heaven, which means they're dead. The people who are "left behind" are still alive. Would you rather be dead or alive? The "desirable" option here seems like it sucks ass.
Buck calls Lucinda and gets her teenage son, who says she's disappeared, and obviously she's in Heaven. I'm reading the Slacktivist articles as I'm doing this recap, and he made the comment that every characters seems to have read the back of the book and they know they're in a Rapture story. This is totally true. Rapture would NOT be my first guess and I probably wouldn't even think of it unless I heard someone talking about it. I'm pretty sure "aliens" would come before "Rapture." Most people who aren't fundies don't even know what the Rapture is.
THIS KID IS SO INSANE. The conversation between him and Buck goes something like this:
Kid: My whole family is gone.
Buck: I'm so sorry!
Kid: That's all right. I know they're in Heaven and I can't say I'm surprised.
Buck: Do you have anyone to take care of you?
Kid: My uncle. And a guy from church.
WHO TALKS LIKE THIS? If my family disappeared and I KNEW for sure they were in Heaven, I would still be freaking out. Because THEY'RE DEAD, plus I'm an orphan now. I can't get money because there are no jobs and there's bound to be looters and criminals around and I can't protect myself. These people are all cyborgs or something. Is this how fundies think? Is this how they would act in a situation like this? Because if so, Jack Chick is even more batshit than I previously thought.
CHAPTER 6
So we learn that Irene disapproved of Rayford drinking and she wanted him to keep it from their son Ray. Growing up, I always knew my dad drank, and it didn't affect me at all. Fundies seem so uptight.
"How does that jibe with your insistence that we be totally truthful?"
I...don't think jibe is the right word. Did no one edit this?
WHAT.
Rayford poured three inches into a wide crystal glass and threw it back like a veteran. That was about as out of character as he could find comfortable. The stuff hit the back of his throat and burned all the way down, giving him a chill that made him shudder and groan.
Have these people done shots before? Granted, I've never done bourbon shots, and maybe they actually make you "shudder and groan", but I've done vodka shots and shuddering and groaning seems like a very extreme reaction. Also, obviously the fact that it was three inches of liquid is integral to the story.
Ha ha, he's also getting a buzz from one shot.
I love how Rayford only loves his wife when she's gone. Yeah, that's sincere.
Shouldn't your first reaction in a disaster be to listen to the radio or watch TV to get more information? Yet Rayford consciously avoids that, further cementing my belief that he is not a real person.
Rayford keeps SAYING that he loves his daughter, but somehow I doubt his conviction. We know how fickle he is about women.
Rayford is a cutthroat father. He talking about how Ray was always too compassionate, always caring about others when Rayford thought he should be looking out for number one. What a great parenting strategy. This is how bullies are made, ladies and gentlemen.
Buck backstory. His family resents him because he went on to an Ivy League school and became super successful when he should have gone into the family business. You know, the usual cliched angst.
Buck's dad tells him that Jeff's (the brother's) kids disappeared, along with everyone else on this retreat and Buck's response is "whew, boy." UNDERSTATEMENT.
Let's talk about the fact that all the children under a certain age (looks to be under 13) disappear. Supposedly, they're innocent and uncorrupted. LIKE HELL. I know PLENTY of kids who are FAR from innocent. What about the bullies? They get to go to Heaven just because they had the good luck to be born a certain year? What about the kid who called me a "shithead" in third grade? He gets to go? That's a dick move. What about friggin' LISA MARIE who's the most batshit kid ever and regularly bit people on the playground? Why does she get to go to Heaven and I don't? What about good people who aren't fundies? Obviously, Catholic people don't get to go because they're THE DEVIL. So that leaves out Mother Theresa, if she were alive at the time of the Rapture. What about Ghandi? He's not a fundie. He goes to Hell? What about Harriet Tubman? She's not a fundie either. So a LIFETIME of doing good doesn't mean shit unless you're a fundamentalist Christian.
Back to assh- I mean Rayford. He reads a piece about Nicolae Carpathia. "Hmm, a surprise move in Romania." Rayford can't bring himself to care about Hattie's family, but he cares about a presidential election in ROMANIA? It's hard news, but whoever wrote it obviously doesn't know what they're doing because they use adjectives to describe him. This is what I've learned in hard news class: BEING CREATIVE IS BAD. Anyone writing hard news would strive to be completely objective.
This book is so batshit.
Buck Williams stops to take inventory, because this is suddenly an RPG. He also carries a murse. He has stuff in a special pouch in his jeans IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. Seriously though, is this a money belt? Because those don't generally go inside your jeans. You'll get weird looks whenever you whip it out.
Now Buck is telling us about his overseas laundry methods. NO ONE GIVES A SHIT. Buck continues telling us about things about which we don't give a shit, like the time he scooped some people on a sports story. Yes, you can say that they don't like you because you scooped them, but for God's sake we don't need any more details than that. Oh, and THEN we get shown the conversation the two have about said scooped story. Seriously, Tim and Jerry? We don't get any details about burning wreckage at the airports or the suicidal pilot or the way people feel about the disappearances or the grieving people, but we get enormous detail about A SCOOPED SPORTS STORY THAT HAPPENED A LONG TIME AGO? And then the chick he's talking to goes into an impromptu Jesus speech. Dear God, let's just get back to the "action", such that it is, already.
So Buck's talking about why he was overseas in the first place. We get all this unnecessary detail about following a tip from a conspiracy theorist former classmate blah blah I'm just going to skip it.
I love how all these names are ridiculously manly. Rayford. Buck. Dirk.
"I wish I could say I tried to call you Hattie, but I didn't. This is hard for me."
Well that's comforting. Like it's not hard for Hattie either? Or any of the friggin' BILLIONS OF PEOPLE WHO HAD RELATIVES DISAPPEAR? Rayford is such a prick. Before he was all lusting after Hattie but making her work for it and all of a sudden he's completely cold but Hattie is still worrying about him.
Wtf? This is so mean:
Losing his wife and child made him realize what a vapid relationship he had been pursuing with a twenty-seven-year-old woman. He hardly knew her, and he certainly didn't much care what happened to her family any more than he cared when he heard about a remote tragedy on the news.
What an awful thing to say! Most people care about their coworkers, even if they're not really friends. I know if I was still at the cafe and an acquaintance (we'll say Teneille) came to work all, "OMG! My family disappeared without a trace!" I'd at least be empathetic. It's called BASIC DECENCY.
Here's why I'm confused about Rayford though. He's ostensibly the "protagonist" inasmuch as we see everything through his eyes. But he hasn't been "saved" and so is a "bad person." Am I supposed to relate to him? But then Tim and Jerry are saying that I'm a bad person too. But why would I want to be in the head of such an awful, awful person? (Not awful because he's unsaved, but awful because he's a truly sociopathic human being.) I assume this will not become clear.
Hattie's so stupid. Find someone who actually cares about other people, okay?
Back to Buck. He calls a private pilot who is basically gouging passengers who want to get places. I love how human decency goes out the window just hours after a disaster. Maybe I'm just being idealistic, but I feel it should take longer, or there should be some actually good people out there. We haven't met anyone yet who cares about helping other people, and I think there should be at least a FEW. In the wake of 9/11, there were tons of volunteers, but apparently not when people disappear.
This was written in 1995, and I was only five then. But...should you be allowed to check your voicemail on a phone miles away while you're on a payphone? Somehow I think this shouldn't be possible.
Buck is describing his brother and sister-in-law. They had a tumultuous marriage, but the wife had been "forgiving and conciliatory", which means that she gets a free pass to Heaven! Woo hoo! We also get told that Jeff's children both look like him and are "precious." This is integral to the story.
"This is too strange, isn't it?"
Somehow, that wouldn't be my first reaction. It would be something like, "WHAT THE FUCK BILLIONS DISAPPEARED INTO THING AIR? THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE, IT MUST BE ALIENS WHAT THE FUCK WHERE THE HELL IS EVERYONE?" Buck seems to be talking about like, someone who can shoot milk out of their nose.
Here's what confuses me about the Rapture. The "saved" people go to Heaven, which means they're dead. The people who are "left behind" are still alive. Would you rather be dead or alive? The "desirable" option here seems like it sucks ass.
Buck calls Lucinda and gets her teenage son, who says she's disappeared, and obviously she's in Heaven. I'm reading the Slacktivist articles as I'm doing this recap, and he made the comment that every characters seems to have read the back of the book and they know they're in a Rapture story. This is totally true. Rapture would NOT be my first guess and I probably wouldn't even think of it unless I heard someone talking about it. I'm pretty sure "aliens" would come before "Rapture." Most people who aren't fundies don't even know what the Rapture is.
THIS KID IS SO INSANE. The conversation between him and Buck goes something like this:
Kid: My whole family is gone.
Buck: I'm so sorry!
Kid: That's all right. I know they're in Heaven and I can't say I'm surprised.
Buck: Do you have anyone to take care of you?
Kid: My uncle. And a guy from church.
WHO TALKS LIKE THIS? If my family disappeared and I KNEW for sure they were in Heaven, I would still be freaking out. Because THEY'RE DEAD, plus I'm an orphan now. I can't get money because there are no jobs and there's bound to be looters and criminals around and I can't protect myself. These people are all cyborgs or something. Is this how fundies think? Is this how they would act in a situation like this? Because if so, Jack Chick is even more batshit than I previously thought.
CHAPTER 6
So we learn that Irene disapproved of Rayford drinking and she wanted him to keep it from their son Ray. Growing up, I always knew my dad drank, and it didn't affect me at all. Fundies seem so uptight.
"How does that jibe with your insistence that we be totally truthful?"
I...don't think jibe is the right word. Did no one edit this?
WHAT.
Rayford poured three inches into a wide crystal glass and threw it back like a veteran. That was about as out of character as he could find comfortable. The stuff hit the back of his throat and burned all the way down, giving him a chill that made him shudder and groan.
Have these people done shots before? Granted, I've never done bourbon shots, and maybe they actually make you "shudder and groan", but I've done vodka shots and shuddering and groaning seems like a very extreme reaction. Also, obviously the fact that it was three inches of liquid is integral to the story.
Ha ha, he's also getting a buzz from one shot.
I love how Rayford only loves his wife when she's gone. Yeah, that's sincere.
Shouldn't your first reaction in a disaster be to listen to the radio or watch TV to get more information? Yet Rayford consciously avoids that, further cementing my belief that he is not a real person.
Rayford keeps SAYING that he loves his daughter, but somehow I doubt his conviction. We know how fickle he is about women.
Rayford is a cutthroat father. He talking about how Ray was always too compassionate, always caring about others when Rayford thought he should be looking out for number one. What a great parenting strategy. This is how bullies are made, ladies and gentlemen.
Buck backstory. His family resents him because he went on to an Ivy League school and became super successful when he should have gone into the family business. You know, the usual cliched angst.
Buck's dad tells him that Jeff's (the brother's) kids disappeared, along with everyone else on this retreat and Buck's response is "whew, boy." UNDERSTATEMENT.
Let's talk about the fact that all the children under a certain age (looks to be under 13) disappear. Supposedly, they're innocent and uncorrupted. LIKE HELL. I know PLENTY of kids who are FAR from innocent. What about the bullies? They get to go to Heaven just because they had the good luck to be born a certain year? What about the kid who called me a "shithead" in third grade? He gets to go? That's a dick move. What about friggin' LISA MARIE who's the most batshit kid ever and regularly bit people on the playground? Why does she get to go to Heaven and I don't? What about good people who aren't fundies? Obviously, Catholic people don't get to go because they're THE DEVIL. So that leaves out Mother Theresa, if she were alive at the time of the Rapture. What about Ghandi? He's not a fundie. He goes to Hell? What about Harriet Tubman? She's not a fundie either. So a LIFETIME of doing good doesn't mean shit unless you're a fundamentalist Christian.
Back to assh- I mean Rayford. He reads a piece about Nicolae Carpathia. "Hmm, a surprise move in Romania." Rayford can't bring himself to care about Hattie's family, but he cares about a presidential election in ROMANIA? It's hard news, but whoever wrote it obviously doesn't know what they're doing because they use adjectives to describe him. This is what I've learned in hard news class: BEING CREATIVE IS BAD. Anyone writing hard news would strive to be completely objective.
This book is so batshit.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
OMG YOU GUYS
Hey guys! So, a whole sequence of destined events led me to what we're going to talk about today. My sister was visiting and she wanted to go to this place called Labyrinth to look at graphic novels. So we wandered Bloor and Labyrinth was closed so we went to BMV books while we were waiting for our friend, who was going to meet us and we were going to go to a pub. I was just kind of looking at random books and Lindsay went to find a Stephen King book. She couldn't find one so I went to help her and we we were both really tired so we sat on the ground in front of the K's and there were no Stephen King books but I found...
...
...
LEFT BEHIND BOOK 1! I'm pretty excited. I've wanted to read it ever since I read a Chuck Klosterman essay on it and I feel like yesterday was a whole sequence of events that led to me find it. And it was only five bucks, so that was cool. Anyway. Left Behind is a book series about the Rapture and then a group of people who team up to kill the Antichrist. Awesome premise right? Well, from what I've heard, the execution is not that great. For further reading, I recommend: http://exharpazo.blogspot.com/2007/01/index-to-slactivists-left-behind.html
I can't remember the dude's name, but he talks about Left Behind. And I wanted to do Left Behind before I even found his blog, so yeah.
So Left Behind is a religious book, so I feel the need to say this: I consider myself Christian. I believe in God and the devil and all that. I'm not sure if I believe in the second coming and the rapture and everything, but I don't disbelieve it. I don't believe in forcing my beliefs on other people, and I feel fundies give everyone else a bad name. I also feel that God accepts everyone, even if you don't consider yourself Christian. My aim in doing Left Behind is not to make fun of religious beliefs (okay...maybe fundie religious beliefs) but to make fun of literary technique. So here we go.
CHAPTER 1
Anachronistic word/phrase: "Private necking session."
So we start off with pilot Frisky McPorn-name, um, I mean Rayford Steele, thinking about flight attendant Hattie Durham. He likes that she touches his arm when she walks past and that she admires him. Rayford is unhappy at home because his wife is now super-religious. So basically, he's lusting after this chick because she's hot and she admires him. Personality? What's that?
This part's creepy though:
They had spent time together, chatting for hours over drinks or dinner, sometimes with coworkers, sometimes not. He had not returned so much as one brush of a finger, but his eyes had held her gaze and he could only assume that his smile had made his point.
Someone had made the point that Rayford was emotionally manipulating Hattie. Does this whole thing not sound like a dick move? He knows Hattie likes him and he does nothing to return her affection, even though he likes her too. It seems like he's making her work for it, making her emotionally turmoiled so that he feels like he has power. He's also planning on putting a hand on her shoulder, hoping she'll take that to mean that he wants a relationship. Wtf? Who over the age of 15 does such a passive aggressive thing?
Rayford still feels guilty over a "private necking session" at a party 12 years before. NO ONE TALKS LIKE THIS.
Rayford thinks that the reason he is not as religious as his wife is that's he's smarter and more logical. Asshole. Also, to Rayford, wife becoming religious=he is now free to have an affair without guilt. Not seeing the logic there, Ray, but whatever. I'm not too sure who we're supposed to be sympathizing with here.
Enter Cameron "Buck" Williams. He's a world famous super special awesome journalist. One day he went to Israel, and then we have an infodump.
Wtf? So in this flashback or whatever, Buck is talking about interviewing this guy in Israel. This dude had made this special fertilizer that causes the desert to erupt into flowers. I don't know why this is relevant, and the passage goes on for a very long time. It's not pushing the story forward. We don't give a shit about flowers. Why is this here?
Imagine what the formula might do if modified to work on the vast tundra of Russia! Could regions bloom, though snow covered it most of the year?
Yeah, sure. Let's try using this weird-ass formula to make plants grow in a place where they haven't grown in like, ever. I'm sure that will have no effect whatsoever on the environment.
Wait. Wait. Is this in the future? I'm confused. Apparently the whole world uses three different currencies. Why is this relevant? I don't know. Anyway, for some reason, Russia gets mad and launches an attack on Israel. Luckily, Buck is on the scene to cover this amazing event!
To say the Israelis were caught off guard, Cameron Williams had written, would be like saying the Great Wall of China was long.
This is a world famous journalist, ladies and gentlemen. Also, none of that quote is italicized in the book when it definitely should be.
He felt no bravado, no uniqueness.
That comma should be a semicolon. And one can't feel the emotion of uniqueness. Bravado is an emotion. Uniqueness is not. I'm not even sure what the writers were getting at here. So Buck thinks he's going to die and then all of a sudden a firestorm takes out the Russian offense. Deus ex machina, ahoy.
Despite what you tell us, Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins, Ethiopia is not a Middle Eastern country.
Back to Ray. Hattie's flipping out because people have disappeared, leaving their clothes behind.
"Should I turn on the cabin lights?"
"No," he whispered. "The less people know right now, the better."
The FEWER people who know, Rayford. Dammit. Also, I'm pretty sure it won't take people long to figure out that A SHITLOAD OF PEOPLE ARE MISSING. Hattie's hysterical, reminiscent of that chick from Night of the Living Dead that my theatre HATED. Rayford's a big strong man, so he stays calm. Strangely, though, he immediately knows that these people have been taken in the Rapture. That's not the first conclusion I would come to.
CHAPTER 2
HA HA HA HA HA. This old lady asks Buck (who is also on the plane) to go check if her husband is in the bathroom and take a blanket because he's naked and he's really religious so he'll be embarrassed. I don't know what my reaction would be if some old lady was like, "Go find my husband and cover him up because he's naked. He'll be embarrassed." The lady doesn't even seem to find it strange that he has no clothes.
"I was hoping it was something on the plane. Some gas, some malfunction."
Yeah, because I'm sure GAS caused people to disappear. Someone else suggested spontaneous combustion, which is just as moronic.
Buck does something strange with the phone. He hacks into it to get a message to his boss, but the message might be in Morse code or some shit? I really don't know what's going on.
Buck calls the flight attendant "Beautiful Hattie." Really? What? Who does that?
This book is kind of amateurish, and it's kind of like Dan Brown-lite, if you can get lighter than Dan Brown. So far, no redonk fundie philosophy, so that's good I guess. We'll see tomorrow.
...
...
LEFT BEHIND BOOK 1! I'm pretty excited. I've wanted to read it ever since I read a Chuck Klosterman essay on it and I feel like yesterday was a whole sequence of events that led to me find it. And it was only five bucks, so that was cool. Anyway. Left Behind is a book series about the Rapture and then a group of people who team up to kill the Antichrist. Awesome premise right? Well, from what I've heard, the execution is not that great. For further reading, I recommend: http://exharpazo.blogspot.com/2007/01/index-to-slactivists-left-behind.html
I can't remember the dude's name, but he talks about Left Behind. And I wanted to do Left Behind before I even found his blog, so yeah.
So Left Behind is a religious book, so I feel the need to say this: I consider myself Christian. I believe in God and the devil and all that. I'm not sure if I believe in the second coming and the rapture and everything, but I don't disbelieve it. I don't believe in forcing my beliefs on other people, and I feel fundies give everyone else a bad name. I also feel that God accepts everyone, even if you don't consider yourself Christian. My aim in doing Left Behind is not to make fun of religious beliefs (okay...maybe fundie religious beliefs) but to make fun of literary technique. So here we go.
CHAPTER 1
Anachronistic word/phrase: "Private necking session."
So we start off with pilot Frisky McPorn-name, um, I mean Rayford Steele, thinking about flight attendant Hattie Durham. He likes that she touches his arm when she walks past and that she admires him. Rayford is unhappy at home because his wife is now super-religious. So basically, he's lusting after this chick because she's hot and she admires him. Personality? What's that?
This part's creepy though:
They had spent time together, chatting for hours over drinks or dinner, sometimes with coworkers, sometimes not. He had not returned so much as one brush of a finger, but his eyes had held her gaze and he could only assume that his smile had made his point.
Someone had made the point that Rayford was emotionally manipulating Hattie. Does this whole thing not sound like a dick move? He knows Hattie likes him and he does nothing to return her affection, even though he likes her too. It seems like he's making her work for it, making her emotionally turmoiled so that he feels like he has power. He's also planning on putting a hand on her shoulder, hoping she'll take that to mean that he wants a relationship. Wtf? Who over the age of 15 does such a passive aggressive thing?
Rayford still feels guilty over a "private necking session" at a party 12 years before. NO ONE TALKS LIKE THIS.
Rayford thinks that the reason he is not as religious as his wife is that's he's smarter and more logical. Asshole. Also, to Rayford, wife becoming religious=he is now free to have an affair without guilt. Not seeing the logic there, Ray, but whatever. I'm not too sure who we're supposed to be sympathizing with here.
Enter Cameron "Buck" Williams. He's a world famous super special awesome journalist. One day he went to Israel, and then we have an infodump.
Wtf? So in this flashback or whatever, Buck is talking about interviewing this guy in Israel. This dude had made this special fertilizer that causes the desert to erupt into flowers. I don't know why this is relevant, and the passage goes on for a very long time. It's not pushing the story forward. We don't give a shit about flowers. Why is this here?
Imagine what the formula might do if modified to work on the vast tundra of Russia! Could regions bloom, though snow covered it most of the year?
Yeah, sure. Let's try using this weird-ass formula to make plants grow in a place where they haven't grown in like, ever. I'm sure that will have no effect whatsoever on the environment.
Wait. Wait. Is this in the future? I'm confused. Apparently the whole world uses three different currencies. Why is this relevant? I don't know. Anyway, for some reason, Russia gets mad and launches an attack on Israel. Luckily, Buck is on the scene to cover this amazing event!
To say the Israelis were caught off guard, Cameron Williams had written, would be like saying the Great Wall of China was long.
This is a world famous journalist, ladies and gentlemen. Also, none of that quote is italicized in the book when it definitely should be.
He felt no bravado, no uniqueness.
That comma should be a semicolon. And one can't feel the emotion of uniqueness. Bravado is an emotion. Uniqueness is not. I'm not even sure what the writers were getting at here. So Buck thinks he's going to die and then all of a sudden a firestorm takes out the Russian offense. Deus ex machina, ahoy.
Despite what you tell us, Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins, Ethiopia is not a Middle Eastern country.
Back to Ray. Hattie's flipping out because people have disappeared, leaving their clothes behind.
"Should I turn on the cabin lights?"
"No," he whispered. "The less people know right now, the better."
The FEWER people who know, Rayford. Dammit. Also, I'm pretty sure it won't take people long to figure out that A SHITLOAD OF PEOPLE ARE MISSING. Hattie's hysterical, reminiscent of that chick from Night of the Living Dead that my theatre HATED. Rayford's a big strong man, so he stays calm. Strangely, though, he immediately knows that these people have been taken in the Rapture. That's not the first conclusion I would come to.
CHAPTER 2
HA HA HA HA HA. This old lady asks Buck (who is also on the plane) to go check if her husband is in the bathroom and take a blanket because he's naked and he's really religious so he'll be embarrassed. I don't know what my reaction would be if some old lady was like, "Go find my husband and cover him up because he's naked. He'll be embarrassed." The lady doesn't even seem to find it strange that he has no clothes.
"I was hoping it was something on the plane. Some gas, some malfunction."
Yeah, because I'm sure GAS caused people to disappear. Someone else suggested spontaneous combustion, which is just as moronic.
Buck does something strange with the phone. He hacks into it to get a message to his boss, but the message might be in Morse code or some shit? I really don't know what's going on.
Buck calls the flight attendant "Beautiful Hattie." Really? What? Who does that?
This book is kind of amateurish, and it's kind of like Dan Brown-lite, if you can get lighter than Dan Brown. So far, no redonk fundie philosophy, so that's good I guess. We'll see tomorrow.
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