Disney Is Teaching Kids Bad Things

So a few years ago when I was really bored at home, I decided to watch a Disney Channel Original Movie called Minutemen. It's about these three geeks who use a time machine to go back and make things better for other geeks. It is RAMPANT with fallacies, you guys. Like I'm pretty sure they save the world by jumping through a black hole.

I'm not going to do a whole recap, but I'm going to point out all the things it gets blatantly INCORRECT. I'm not a math/science person, but even I can figure some of this shit out.

So Virgil and this other guy whose name I can't remember are friends starting their first day of high school. Virgil has a crush on his friend's gf. Can't remember her name either. Charlie, a child prodigy of some sort, drives a rocket powered tractor or something onto the football field while the aforementioned Virgil's friend is practicing football. The friend throws a football at Charlie and the football team attacks the little kid, because obviously they're so brave. Virgil sticks up for Charlie, and they both get dressed in cheerleader uniforms and attached to a statue of a goat.

Three years later, Charlie and Virgil are BFFs (except Virgil is exasperated/annoyed with Charlie all the time) and the other dude doesn't talk to Virgil. A mysterious bad boy named Zeke shows up. He is important later.

I resent the stereotypical depiction of geeks. You know, I also resent how the people making kid shows these days assume kids are morons. Actually, it's probably only Disney. Because 6teen, most superhero cartoons, Ben 10, Martin Mystery, Kim Possible, etc. don't talk down to the viewer. Even Totally Spies and shows like that still have their intelligent moments. That's why I still watch them. But I absolutely cannot STAND most Disney shows because they expect their audience to have absolutely NO intelligence. There's a way to write good kid's shows, but Disney hasn't grasped that concept yet. Back in the "golden age" or whatever of their cartoons (Lion King, Cinderella, Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast, etc.) they could still make quality entertainment, but now they seem to have decided to just cater to the lowest denominator.

Back to the show. Charlie gets Virgil out of class to show him that he has cracked the secret of time travel. They have to get Zeke for some reason (I don't care enough to figure out why). Zeke throws out some technobabble that I'm going to put down here so we can break it down:

"This quantum integration to the physical properties of light projection...looks like it could work." This leads to the best part though. Everyone stares at Zeke and he goes "Yeah. Mongol READ."

Anyway, back to the technobabble. Wtf does that mean? Quantum integration? What does that mean? Why do they need light projection for time travel?

I'm pretty sure that the best place for a time machine is not in the hands of a delinquent, a socially awkward child prodigy, and some loser obsessed with being cool.

Fun fact: the guy who plays the vice principal is "Not Moby" on How I Met Your Mother. He is also remarkably like my former principal, in that they are both dickweeds.

Disney is such a whore. Have you noticed? They relentlessly pimp their child stars and they use music from their label in their movies, even if it has NOTHING TO DO WITH THE SCENE like right now when an Aly and AJ song is playing while they're filching things to build their time machine. I'm sad that they acquired my beloved Marvel.

I have doubts that a time machine would look like a giant purple swirling cone.

Why is Charlie's cat at the school? It just kind of wanders in and they throw it into the time machine.

Okay wait. Wait. They throw the cat in, and then it falls back out. And for some reason Charlie's and Virgil's watches are one minute apart, proving that it went forward in time a minute? But would the cat have fallen out of the machine automatically? Because that doesn't happen to the boys later. And why are their watches different when the watch didn't go back in time?

Virgil is STILL hung up about getting beaten up by some jocks THREE YEARS AGO. Get OVER it.

Fact: time machines are basically purple tornadoes.

Wait wait wait wait. They went back in time a day and were flung out of the time machine. But it wasn't built yesterday I don't think. SO HOW IS IT THERE?

They go back in time to get a lottery ticket. They can't buy one because they're not eighteen, so they pay some robot mime (yes. a ROBOT MIME) to buy the ticket and then leave because they can only be back in time for ten minutes. DO YOU TRUST A FUCKING ROBOT MIME TO GIVE A WINNING LOTTERY TICKET TO YOU? How stupid are you? Of course he's going to take the money for himself, which he does.

So then they decide to go back in time to help geeks.

The Asian chick thinks they started a Back to the Future Fan Club and wants to join. They want to get her to hang back to watch the time machine while the three of them go back in time. (Also, her name is Jeannette).

Jeannette's all "we so have to do something about those outfits" HAHAHAHA IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE ALL GIRLS CARE ABOUT IS CLOTHING.

So this black dude had his clothes stolen while he was in the shower and the Minutemen get him some new clothes, thus creating a time paradox. They went back in time to give him new clothes, so thus he never had a problem, thus not needing to be saved. That's a time loop right there.

Hahaha the nurse at the school is named Nurse Ratched. I sincerely enjoyed that.

So this bitch plays a trick on a geek to make him trip. They go back in time to save him. So he never fell, thus he doesn't need to be saved. TIME PARADOX.

There's a really lame song on the show right now that reminds me of Powerline's songs from a Goofy Movie. If we listen to each other's heart, We'll find we'll never cheat and fall apart, And maybe love is the reason why, For the first time ever we're seeing it, I 2 I!

Sorry.

So anyway, all the geeks that were saved are now all high and mighty and thinking that they're better than everyone else. Somehow...I don't think that's what would happen. And I've never seen a movie in which the geeks were assholes too.

Turns out Charlie stole stuff from NASA. That could be bad. Zeke warns them that if they go to prison and share a cell that he snores. Somehow, I think that is the least of their worries. Somebody should tell them not to drop the soap.

Whatsherface needs some kind of cheerleading scholarship to go to college but she breaks her leg before a scout comes to see her.

Hey the robot mime is here for some reason? And the vice principal is determined to catch the snowsuit guys.

Virgil saves whatsherface and then OF COURSE she falls in love with him because any girl who gets saved by a guy has to INSTANTLY FALL IN LOVE WITH THEM, DONTCHAKNOW?

Chester (the black geek) is doing his best Urkel. Now he and his friends are bullying jocks and the vice principal is all mad because he's classist.

The blonde chick (can't remember her name) knows that Virgil is the snowsuit guy. Oh, her name is Stephanie btw. Stephanie instantly believes Virgil when he tells her he has a time machine. I would be a little more skeptical.

TOOOOOOOOOTALLY just thought Jeannette called herself slutty. She said something like, "sputty", a cross between spunky and nutty. THE SIMILARITY CANNOT BE COINCIDENTAL. Can it be that Disney is being sneakily hilarious?

Everyone looks so goddamn CRESTFALLEN when the football team loses. Like they just watched their dog get vivisected by Dracula.

Wtf, Stephanie told her toolish BF about the time travel? Ohhh, because she wants Virgil to go back in time and help them win the football game. REALLY? REALLY? YOU CAN TRAVEL BACK IN TIME AND YOU USE IT TO WIN A HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL GAME? OKAY, YES, THIS MOVIE IS FOR KIDS BUT COME ON.

Can these people just step on a butterfly already?

Okay, after multiple trips back in time, Charlie is just now thinking that it may be damaging something big. I'm a dumbass and even I thought of that possibility already.

Why are they using a springboard to jump into the tornado? I think they can just climb in.

I think this movie is a whole lot longer than it needs to be.

Wait wait wait wait. They went back in time and made it so they win the football game. But if they won, there's no need to go back in time and make them win. And Derek definitely wouldn't remember that Virgil is a Minuteman because since he won the game there was no need to be told that Virgil could go back in time. Look, even a rudimentary (VERY rudimentary) knowledge of physics and shit such as I have is needed to make this semi plausible. It seems like these people didn't study up on it AT ALL and thinking about it, they probably didn't.

Virgil and Stephanie are at a lame party. If it's quiet enough to hear someone speak, it's not a good party. Plus it's way too light.

OMG VIRGIL IS DANCING LIKE A TOOL. I can't dance and even I am better than that (I think).

Stephanie caught Derek cheating on her, like that's any surprise.

So this has been stupid so far. But now it's about to get stupider. Because a black hole is sucking in things. It would be sucking in A LOT MORE than a hole the size of the one Paul holds up at the end of Yellow Submarine. A black hole is so strong it sucks in LIGHT. It would be doing way more damage.

Yes, there is suspension of disbelief. But is that worth teaching children erroneous things about black holes? I think not.

Virgil claims that if the FBI isn't going to charge them, they can't keep them there. I'm not sure that's altogether correct. If there's reasonable suspicion, can't they keep them for questioning?

Charlie and Zeke are mad because Virgil is trying to be popular.

I wonder if these Disney kids get embarrassed that they're in such crap.

Jeannette is stalking Charlie.

The fluctuations in the space/time continuum have bonded together to make a black hole. Is...that how science works? Because this sounds suspiciously like that whole Ben 10 episode where Grandpa Max told Ben to make a bigger fire because it and the smaller fire would snuff each other out, which is really not how fire works.

So Virgil and Stephanie are at some 50s themed dance which I think is an homage to Back to the Future, which I find charming. I enjoy references to things that not everyone would get, like in Ben 10 when the grizzled fisherman was named Captain Shaw.

Wow, that's two Ben 10 refs in two paragraphs.

I honestly can't believe I'm watching this movie more than once.

They used the word "fracas." I LOVE that word. FRACAS.

Fact: black holes cause thunder and lightning.

So, they have to go into the black hole to close it and they will come out on the other side. Um...how is this FUCKING WRONG, let me count the ways.

Would people actually be going nuts over the Minutemen? I don't think I would be fawning over them or hugging guys I don't know or anything.

Is no one going to talk about the fact that they caused the black hole? And is no one ALSO going to stop three minors from risking their lives? Why isn't the FBI or CIA or military trying to take over this rescue operation? Where are these boys' families? Why am I watching this fucking show?

THIS IS NOT HOW BLACK HOLES WORK FOR THE LOVE OF GOD IT ISN'T EVEN CLOSE.

So they just jump in and it fixes things?

They land in a park where kids are playing:
"Whoa. I think we landed in Munchkinland."
"What up, Munchkins?"

Sometimes, Disney surprises me and is funny.

They went back in time to the day that Charlie and Virgil get beaten up by bullies. Virgil is going to prevent it, somehow not even thinking that then he won't be friends with Charlie, they won't build the time machine together, and then they can't go back in time and prevent the thing they are preventing blah blah time loop blah.

So how are they getting back to 2008?

Also, turns out that Derek never tried to save Virgil, which is a big surprise to NONE OF THE VIEWERS.

VIRGIL IS STANDING AROUND MAKING FRIENDSHIP SPEECHES WHEN THEY HAVE TO GET BACK TO THE BLACK HOLE SO THEY CAN GO BACK TO FUTURE STOP TALKING AND RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN

So they get back to the future. The black hole closes up for some reason. Also for some reason, everyone forgets that the black hole ever happened. Virgil calls Derek out for cheating with Jocelyn and then makes his move with Stephanie. HOLY CRAP CHARLIE KISSES JEANNETTE ON THE LIPS. He's like 12. Virgil confesses his love to Stephanie.

Aaaand that's the end. Except the black hole never happened, they never went back in time to see what Derek did. Also they never time travelled so NONE OF THIS COULD HAVE HAPPENED.