BBQ PITMASTERS

This is something I did a few weeks ago while I was at home but couldn't put on my blog because of our lovely dial-up.

I’m watching THE BEST SHOW EVER. No, it’s not Pussycat Dolls Present, it’s a TLC show called BBQ PITMASTERS. This show requires COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF CAPS because it’s AN EXTREME SHOW.
So basically, a bunch of people are at this barbecue competition. You would think it would be a boring show but it’s totally not. It has quotes like this:
"Treachery and thieves, I can’t stand!"
That’s Myron, this cocky old dude who thinks he’s the best guy in BBQ. He’s a 9 time world champion. This shit’s extreme, yo. One guy has won a cumulative total of 567K over the his career. That’s HALF A MILLION DOLLARS from cooking PIGS.
Here are my texts to my friend showing my disbelief and then glee:
6:04 PM: I’m watching some show about people competing to barbecue shit. I love that I live in a world where this exists.
6:04 PM: This guy is bragging about his barbecue skills. It’s hilarious.
6:04 PM: He’s so fucking serious about barbecuing.
6:06 PM: This guy has won a total of 567 000 dollars barbecuing. I think we should start barbecuing and get money.
6:07 PM: This chick has a barbecue recipe in a vault. Only three people have seen it. Crazy shit.
6:07 PM: This is the best show ever.
This is serious business. There was a fight. One of the participants was like 70 years old and the other was like a 30 year old punk so it was kind of a lame fight but there was definitely physical contact.
There’s a chick whose family has a secret recipe for seasoning or something. It’s locked in a vault and other than her father (who invented it) only she and her sister have ever seen it. It’s IN A VAULT. I think the security of these barbecue people is only rivalled by the KFC seasoning recipe. This is serious business.
Myron is my least favourite because he’s so cocky. I hope he loses.
The commentary on this show is as intense as like, commentary on a doctor show. These people don’t smile. They don’t joke. This is life or death.
It’s not just about the cooking. It’s about the cooks’ personalities. They have a face to face presentation for the judges where, according to the voiceover commentary, they have to “wow the judges with their personalities.” Myron was in full schmooze mode, oozing slime which, unfortunately, the judge loved.
I hate Myron.
I’m cheering for Lee Ann. She’s a first time hog cooker and, according to Myron, one of the few female BBQers that people respect. Also according to Myron, barbecuing is "a man’s game."
I hate Myron.
Lee Ann is very nervous, which could be detrimental to her success here, although the judge really liked her hog. Barbecue is Lee Ann’s life. I wonder what it’s like to be so obsessed with something so random. I mean, okay, I’m obsessed with Deadpool comics but I know people who like them. I don’t know anybody who I could describe as obsessed with barbecue.
Myron’s still being a jackass. I hope he loses. I don’t think Lee Ann will win, just because she’s been so nervous. I’m hoping for a dark horse victory from the Asian. He seems so out of place. Everyone’s from the South with these redneck accents, and then there’s him.
Lee Ann came in fifth WOO HOO. Myron came in 10th. The Asian came in 19th and the other old guy came in like 17th overall or something.
Myron is still grand champion though. I’m not quite sure how this point system works.

Here’s another episode of BBQ Pitmasters, featuring our old friends Myron and Lee Ann.
The cash prizes at these things are INSANE. This episode’s is 19K and last episode’s was 17K.
The judges at these things are "certified barbecue experts." How does one become a barbecue expert? It’s the same thing I wonder whenever I watch Deadliest Warrior. Like, how does one become a Spartan expert or whatever? Do you study at school? Are there particular things you need to know?
Tuffy is a "barbecue nerd" who was trained in French cuisine but has studied barbecue for the past five years. I can’t get over how serious some of these people are. In his talking head segments, Tuffy is absolutely serious, leaning forward in his chair as he tells the audience about his barbecue.
Myron is back. What must it be like to have your whole life, practically, revolve around barbecue? I just can’t fathom this.
Paul Peterson is the "Johnny Cash of cooking." He’s new to barbecue and from the way he’s talking, he doesn’t think he’s that good. So why is he barbecuing in contests? I respect that he’s still out there trying, but maybe he should practice up his barbecuing before competing? And his need to barbecue is so intense that it’s actually taking a toll on his family. BARBECUING is taking a toll ON HIS FAMILY LIFE. BARBECUING. This is redonk.
All this meat is making me hungry.
Johnny Trigg, the barbecue king, is back.
HOLY SHIT Myron has THE CRAZIEST FUCKING SHIRT EVER. It has like, barbecue paraphernalia on it. Like barbecue sauce and slabs of meat. WTF.
I wonder what these peoples’ cholesterol levels are like.
I think I spy the Asian. I’m still hoping for a dark horse victory, but he hasn’t been featured yet so I’m going to bet that he’s not going to win today. All that matters is that he’s the winner of my heart.
Lee Ann is unhappy because they’re cutting power for half an hour to her trailer which puts her behind.
Myron and Paul have both hit on the brainwave of using a muffin tin to cook their chicken and Myron freaked out because he thought Paul stole his idea. I thought it was just a coincidence that Paul used the muffin tin but no, he outright admitted he stole it. This is intense.
Paul’s assistant has to run to get the chicken in on time. He had like 30 seconds and he wasn’t running. I actually yelled at my TV. Paul’s assistant was 16 seconds late and they wouldn’t let him turn in the chicken. Seriously? I wouldn’t have the heart to turn him away. I would be like, "16 seconds? Fuck it, I won’t tell anyone if you won’t tell anyone."
The meat is judged on appearance, taste, and tenderness. Each category gets a score out of 9. Why not go all the way and score them out of 10? Why 9?
Trigg has won 2 world championships, Myron 3. So why is Trigg the one that everyone respects? Maybe because he’s not as much of a jackass as Myron is.
So Tuffy is doing something new, which is a no-no in barbecuing. Lee Ann’s brisket turned out really well, despite the whole power kerfluffle.
Now they’re giving out the prizes. No one featured in the show won. Myron came 6th. Tuffy got 7th and had the best brisket. Trigg came in 9th and first in ribs. Lee Ann came in 10th and had 6th in brisket. Paul came in last and it looks pretty devastating for him. Ha ha ha ha ha I didn’t like him that much.