I'm The Goddamn Batman Issue #9

Last one guys, and I have to say, I'm a little sad. This comic is INSANE but it's the kind of insane that's fun to be privy to, like Body Rock or One Tree Hill. I wouldn't say it was terrible either, not in the way that Troll 2 is terrible. I'm sure that Liefeld has done worse. The thing about this comic is that it's so hard to quanify. I don't know how to feel. I've never had that experience.

Cover: A scary looking Batman and a manic looking Robin wearing no pants. My actual response to this cover was "Ew." Robin, weirdly, appears to be wearing a green chastity belt made out of scales. Look, I'm not going to ask what those two do in their spare time.

No alternate cover today. I grow sad.

So Batman and Green Lantern are at their little rendezvous. Green Lantern looks a lot like my eleventh grade math teacher. Batman is complaining because Green Lantern has the most powerful ring in the universe and he doesn't use it for anything. Batman, meanwhile, would send tidal waves in the right direction and knock out a few enemy fleets. I'm pretty sure this is supposed to be a metaphor, but it makes me think that Batman just really, really, wants to be a pirate. And really, who doesn't?

I was just going to mention how confused I was that Batman appears to be yellow but DUH, the Green Lantern's ring doesn't work against anything yellow. Smart move, Batman.

Batman: Dumbest weakness I've ever heard of.

You said it, Batman.

Ha ha, Batman calls Wonder Women the Wicked Witch of Lesbos Island. Oh Batman. How irreverent you are.

The Green Lantern wants Batman to do some good things to better his reputation, because he's scaring people. Predictably, this doesn't deter Batman at all. Why did they send the Green Lantern to do this, again?

Really, these two are having an argument that has always been an intrinsic question in the comic book 'verse: How far can superheroes go? Are they above the law? What exactly is crossing the line? Is it okay to kill a murderer in cold blood? Everyone looks down on comics as stupid and childish, but they ask some important questions.

Apparently Batman doesn't expect the Green Lantern to use any method other than the ring, and so is taken completely by surprise when he snaps and starts beating up Batman and frankly, it makes me more than a little happy to see Batman getting some hurt. Robin's in the background and he LOOKS like he's attempting to do something, but I see no results. Then he starts pouring lemonade.

It makes me more than a little uncomfortable that Robin has taken up his role as Batman's sidekick with no ill will towards the man himself. I think Robin has Stockholm Syndrome. Please send him help.

Robin, apparently losing all power of speech except for monosyllables, calls Green Lantern a rube a total of three times in one page.

Poor Green Lantern. You gotta feel for the guy: no one seems to like him or think he's worthwhile, not even the Justice League. He never gets to do anything. Wonder Woman and Superman let him do this one thing, and it appears that he's screwing even that up.

David Bowie looks waaaaaay better in tights.

Robin appears to be reading a comic of some sort that looks like a cross between the Teletubbies and Avatar: The Last Airbender.

Robin steals Green Lantern's ring and he has a shitfit. Now Batman has the ring. I fear for humanity.

Green Lantern attempts to get the ring back, but Robin pulls some kind of weird-ass gymnastics move, and Green Lantern fails. This is almost too painful to watch anymore. Robin's elf shoes and scaly chastity belt are also painful to watch.

HOLY ABUSE BATMAN. Robin's completely taking out the Green Lantern and Batman shoves him to the side and punches him in the face. A TWELVE YEAR OLD BOY.

Batman and Robin are both filled with self-loathing. Batman is rethinking his methods with Robin. Little too late for that now, Batman. Batman laments that he rushed Robin into everything, while he (Batman) had good men to learn from and he had years to learn about his power and years to grieve.

Robin collapses into Batman's arms at the tombstones of his parents, and they cry together. It should probably be sweet but I grow uncomfortable. On the bright side though, I'm pretty sure that Batman punched Robin because Robin was close to killing the Green Lantern. So there's...a glimmer of some morality.

And that's all I have. I'm pretty sure there must be more issues, since this isn't a satisfactory ending plus THERE WAS A DEARTH OF CATWOMAN. I'll see if I can find them later. But for now, I hope you enjoyed these dissections and please, for the love of God, don't read this comic.