I'm the Goddamn Batman Issue #5

Update: FIXED THE SPACE, GUYS. Woo hoo!

Cover: Closeup of what appears to be Wonder Woman's ass.

Alternate cover: A bloodlust-crazed Batman punching air. Or something.

A really, really scary Wonder Woman is walking down the streets of Metropolis and basically saying that she despises men. A drunk hobo asks her to marry him.

Fact: high heels make the sound "tank".

Wonder Woman hates Batman, which seems to be a theme in this series. I think she's planning on killing him. Maybe all of Batman's problems would be solved if he could just find someone to love him.

The Green Lantern's here. I just got really excited because I loved him on Smallville but then I realized that the Green Arrow was on Smallville. Dammit. I think they really should have picked names that differ more, to avoid confusing morons like me.

So anyway, Superman, Wonder Woman, and the Green Lantern are talking about doing something about Batman because his methods are making all the superheroes look bad. Wonder Woman has a shitfit because Superman wants to bring him in to the authorities, but she just wants to kill him. Green Lantern is just kind of hanging out in the background in a macho pose. You know what I love? That his ring is powerless against anything yellow. That's the most random thing ever.

Wonder Woman wants to hunt down Batman and cut off his head and put it on a stick and present it the authorities. This strikes me as extreme.

Superman has a shitfit and yells at Wonder Woman. Green Lantern is still hanging out in the background, doing nothing. So he's like Aquaman now? Side note: Aquaman as envisioned by Smallville is a complete tool. He strikes me as the bruiser type with no brains. I'm not sure that's what they wanted.

I have no idea what this thing is, but it's talking.

Superman's like, "IMMA FIRIN MAH LAZOR" and his eyes go all red and Wonder Woman spits in disgust. And then...they make out? I can honestly say that I was not expecting that, and I'm pretty good with figuring out sexual tension.

Seriously, what is that thing?

Green Lantern is still doing nothing.

Cut to Batman laughing maniacally AGAIN in his Batmobile. There's a closeup upside down shot of his face, and I was so confused for a second. I thought the mask was covering his chin and his nose suddenly had stubble on it. Batman states that he loves "being the goddamn Batman."

I have to say, the art, especially as it pertains to Batman himself, is certainly very striking.

So, his cape is like fifteen feet long?

Batman cavalierly goes and beats up some rapists and while I advocate the beating up of rapists, he seems to enjoy it way too much. Also, beating them up won't keep them off the streets, Batman. This seems like a short term solution.

One of the rapists appears to have fangs.

That would be the potential rape victim, who appears to be getting way too much glee out of watching her rapists get mutilated. I can understand, I mean, rapists certainly aren't warm and cuddly. But I think I would be freaking out at the attack and would probably be pretty terrified of Batman. Here she looks like what I imagine Karla Homolka would look like during her attacks.

Ooh, and then she stomps on one of the guys' crotches with her heel.

Little did she know that one of the rapists was a zombie and before she could stop it, she was transforming.

"The wind goes berserk. Electricity tingles my skin and rattles my whiskers."

Batman was good until he said "whiskers." Now I just think of him as an anthropomorphic dog or an old grandpa.

So Batman's cape actually allows him to fly? I don't understand. In some panels he appears to have a normal cape, but in others the cape is split like wings. Somehow this seems aerodynamically improbable.

Cut to a strangely Edward Norton looking Alfred boxing. I guess that explains the muscle thing.

Heh. That's what she said. Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Now, the All-Star imprint is free from the DC canon, which means Frank Miller can change details of Batman's life. Christopher Nolan chose to have Bruce's parents being murdered after an opera. Frank chooses to have them killed after a cheap showing of Zorro at a sketchy theatre. I'm not judging, just saying.

This panel scares me. I only know Alfred as played in Batman and Robin (the actor there also played the Well-Manicured Man on The X-Files*) and as played by Michael Caine. This is...not what I'm used to.

A somewhat relieving (not the right word) point: Robin's pajamas were just put on over his tights. His pajamas have big fuzzy balls on them and what appears to be the Gryffindor crest on the chest. He picks up an axe with a somewhat psychotic look on his face, and that's the end of issue five.

*Note: I'm actually totally wrong about this. I just had my mind BLOWN because ever since I started watching The X-Files the summer of 2005, I was sure that the WMM was the guy who played Alfred in Batman and Robin but I just looked it up and am totally mistaken. For some reason though, the WMM looks so familiar to me, but I have no idea where I've seen him before.