The Host Redux Chapters 39-44

Chapter 39
Worried

So let's review. Ian likes Wanderer. Pedobear fucking HATES Wanderer and wants to kill her until he realizes Ian likes her. Now he's jealous and wants her all to himself. DOES THAT SOUND HEALTHY?

Before, Ian was bland (like all Smeyer characters) but also semi-likeable. I'll admit it. I didn't hate him. Now she attempts to make him "charmingly flirtatious" but only manages to achieve "creepily manic". Does she consciously try to change her characters' personalities halfway through a novel? What am I saying, of course it's just bad writing.

Wanderer's eating lunch and Ian is sitting by her, "flirting" with her and he's like, trying to force her to like him or whatever. Wasn't it just last chapter that he was like, "It's okay if you don't like me right now. I'll give you time to think about it"? Wtf?

Jamie's constant state of euphoria
Also known as mania. This, along with Ian's complete personality change (dissociative identity disorder?), and Wanderer's extreme low self-esteem brings the total count of Smeyer characters with some kind of undiagnosed mental disorder up to...six.

Pedobear keeps going on these raids, and even Jamie went to one. Ian doesn't. At all. What, is he too scared?

“I thought they were going to be back today,” I challenged.
How is that a challenge? It's a statement. A protest, maybe. Not a challenge.

Ian tricks Wanderer into playing soccer. He's so crafty and fun-loving!

“Do you know the rules?” Lily asked me.
Um, it's not like they're that hard. I hate sports and soccer was pretty much the only one I could play. You kick the ball into a net and don't touch it with your hands. I said soccer was the only sport I could play, but I sure wasn't good at it. In gym class, I tried to do as little as possible. Soccer was great because my strategy was this: stand in front of the net (I called this "playing defense") and just kick the ball as far away as possible. I fucking RULED at kicking the ball as far away as possible. Side note: one of my favourite gym moments was during lacrosse. Heidi and I didn't want to play so we invented this game where we pretended to fence and if she hit my arm, I had to play without an arm, and if she hit my leg, I had to play without a leg, etc. If someone won, they had to have a handicap, which I believe was closing one eye. No one appeared to notice us until the ball hit my foot. It seemed like EVERYONE was staring at us, waiting for us to do something with the ball. I was slightly embarrassed, kicked the ball away, and then continued sword fighting. Good times.

Lily called the game when we hit twenty-one.
Does...Smeyer know how soccer works? You play 21 in BASKETBALL. That's the one with the basket and the ball. Soccer games never go past like, five goals.

I always thought of Wes as being like, 40, but I think he's 19, right? Or maybe that's another tertiary character we don't care about. I'm not sure how old Lily is. She says she's too old for Wes. I imagine her being like, a 40 year old cougar. Side note: I saw a cougar at the mall. She was like 35 and was wearing tight jeans, boots, and an orange tube top with fishnet over top. I saw her in Le Chateau and Lindsay and I were laughing about it, then I was waiting for Lindsay on a bench and I saw the cougar AGAIN and then when we went on the escalator I saw her AGAIN. I think she was stalking me.

“Tired?” he asked, the innocence in his tone a bit overdone. Being funny. He stretched. “I think
I'm ready for bed myself.” He leered in a melodramatic way.
WHERE DOES THIS COME FROM? He's like a completely different person. He's supposed to be the gentlemanly, kind, protective guy but now he's turned into the overly-forward jokingly flirtatious guy. This is not character development. This is character multiple personality disorder.

Chapter 40
Horrified

So why is Doc getting drunk all the time? No, he's not trying to drink to forget that he's in this book. He's doing surgery on humans to try to remove the souls. Wanderer sees and she flips out.

“She's hysterical,” Doc told him. “Hold on.”
A sharp, stinging blow whipped across my face.
Apparently the last time Smeyer learned first-aid was in the Victorian age. Do people do this anymore?

“Yes. If you or I had walked in on a human vivisection, with torn body parts, with blood
splattered on everything, it wouldn't have been as bad for us as it was for her.
The last (and first) time I saw the word "vivisection" was in The Island of Dr. Moreau, which was made in either the late 19th or early 20th century. I believe now it's called either "surgery" or "autopsy." Or is it necropsy? They aren't human, after all. Huh.

And it wouldn't be a Smeyer novel without the female lead going catatonic! Wanderer flips out and runs into the tunnels.

Chapter 41
Vanished

Turns out Jamie has an infection. Wanderer can't find Melanie and she asks Ian to kiss her.

Chapter 42
Forced

With a title like that, this sounds like a GREAT chapter.

Anyway, the kiss with Ian doesn't bring Melanie back so now Wanderer has to kiss Pedobear. Good GOD, Smeyer, there's wish fulfillment and then there's this. No one who has a brain wants to read your fantasies.

“I lost Melanie,” I whispered.
“Youlost her!”
I nodded miserably.
His voice was hard and angry. “How?”
Okay Pedobear, I don't like her either, but it's hardly her fault that Melanie decided to disappear.

One hand continued, as I knew it would, down my arm to my wrist, leaving a trail of fire
behind it. The other cupped beneath my jaw, as I knew it must, and pulled my face up.
You guys, I can hardly continue. This is just SO HOT. I feel so invested in their love right now.

His lips tasted every inch of my face.
Ha ha, I imagine this being like that one episode of 6teen. Caitlin went out with this guy who was a really bad kisser. He like, licked her face and drooled everywhere. This is the mental image that I get.

My legs wrapped around his waist, the wall giving me the leverage I needed.
Whoa, are they fucking? Also, is Ian watching this? Remember, voyeurism is A-OK, kids!

His gold-flecked eyes were open, too, half an inch away.
My sister has eyes like this, except it's less golden than brown. It's just one brown spot on her eye. I told her it was because she was full of shit.

“I'm warning you, Mel,” Jared said, still smiling widely. Teasing. “You better stay right here.
I'm not making any guarantees about what I will or won't do to get you back.”
So...he's planning on raping her?

Chapter 43
Frenzied

"Trying solves nothing."
Good to know that Yoda is a fount of knowledge even after the end of the world.

“Patient, isn't it?” Kyle spit.
SPIT IS NOT THE PAST TENSE OF SPIT.

“If… we can get… to the jeep… we'll be in… the clear.
“If we… can't?” I asked.
“They catch us… they'll kill you. Ian's… right about… that part.”
“Going to… take off the blindfold. You'll be… faster.”
The tragic stroke that affected Ian a few chapters ago now seems to have spread.
Also, OH GAWD, FLASHBACKS OF JOHN RINGO'S GHOST!

As the fabric fell away from my eyes, I focused them only on the ground at my feet.
It made a world of difference.
So, taking off a blindfold makes a world of difference? Huh. This is groundbreaking stuff.

Pedobear and Wanderer are going on a journey to get medicine for a sick Jamie. So...this is a remake of Balto, then?

Chapter 44
Healed

Wanderer has to get into the hospital so she makes Pedobear hit her with a rock. Smeyer's head must be a strange place, full of S&M fantasies and Stockholm Syndrome.

“Ahh,” he gasped, sickened. “I took half your face off. I'm so sorry.”
"On the bright side, now you can get work as a Batman villain!"

I took the ugly knife. It had a heavy handle and was very sharp; it came to a tapered point at the tip.
Kinda like, you know, every single other knife in existence.

The Healer was a young woman. Her hair, skin, and eyes were all a similar shade of light
brown. It made her unusual looking–monochromatic. She wore tan scrubs that only added to
that impression.
So this must be the female Edward. Or is Edward the female Edward?

The room was familiar. I'd been in only one place like this, but Melanie's childhood was full of
such memories.
Such were the trials of the life of an abused child.

All the medicine has names like "clean" "inside clean" "smooth" "heal" "no pain" and "seal." Wanderer was adamant that she had to have a wound just like Jamie's so the doctors would inadvertantly tell her what to get, but with expository names like that, how is that even necessary?