The Host Redux Chapters 17 and 18

Good news, guys! I have my next snarking lined up. I am going to do Eragon. I wanted to do the whole trilogy (I REFUSE to call it a Cycle, much like I refuse to call Twilight a saga) but for whatever reason I can only download Eragon and Brisingr, so I might just have to buy the second one. I might do the Eye of Argon after too. And I'm planning on buying Left Behind. And of course, The Shadow God is still on the table, if I can ever find it.

Chapter 17
Visited

Today it suddenly went up to like 30 degrees and I had to clean one double cabin and one single plus the bathrooms twice and the guys apparently had an attack of explosive diarrhea so the bathrooms were disgusting and I am in NO MOOD to do these recaps but I am nothing if not dedicated, dammit. That was the best sentence EVAR.

“Mighty convenient, how it's laid out. Couldn't have planned it much better if I'd sculpted it
myself out of play dough.”
Dude. It's Play-Doh. Capitalized. Because it's a fucking brand name.

A feminine, high-pitched murmur purred from its gentle
ripples.
WTF? I have nothing against anthropomorphizing random objects, but this is just redonk.

Basically what's happening right now is Wanderer is taking a bath in the MIGHTY CONVENIENT underground hot springs but it takes like five pages to say this.

Wanderer mentions something about a "secret" and I remember being confused about it before because it was mentioned in an offhand way and then never mentioned again for like 200 pages and apparently the secret wasn't important enough for me to retain in my brain.

“Well, for Pete's sake!” Jeb exclaimed, obviously irritated. “Can't nobody keep a secret around
this place for more'n twenty-four hours? Gol' durn, this burns me up! Bunch of
gossipmongers…” He trailed off into a grumble.
What. The. Shit. I know hicks. I LIVE among hicks. 90% of the people around where I live are farmers. None of them talk like this.

Also, Jamie shows up.

Okay, side note. Our microwave is screwed up. It beeps. And it's not a steady beep, it's all random. And it also says 11:11 on it. My theory is that it is chattering with excitement at humanity's impending death by the rising of the machines, which apparently happens on November 11 or in November of 2011.

“What the hell?” Jared shouted at us, frozen with fury in the act of rounding the corner at the
end of the tunnel. “Damn it, Jeb! We agreed not to –”
I LOVE how she thinks using the word "hell" makes this an adult novel. It's almost endearing how innocent and sheltered she is.

We should never have come here. See how unhappy we've made them,I moaned.
I hate whiny people who feel sorry for themselves. Self-deprecation is one thing. Done correctly, it can be hilarious and sometimes moving. Masters of self-deprecation: Rodney Dangerfield (the original) and Chuck Klosterman. Smeyer is nowhere near that level.

Jared spit on the floor.
I believe he "spat" on the floor, you dumb fuck.

Jared dropped his hands. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “You will either leave right now, Jamie, and give me some space, or I will make you leave. I am not bluffing. I can't deal with any more right now, okay? I'm at my limit. So can we please have this conversation later?” He opened his eyes again; they were full of pain.
Stop being such a whiny little bitch, Pedobear. Also, he sounds like Dr. Phil.

Chapter 18
Bored

Am I to assume that they only let her pee like, once every 24 hours? Shouldn't that count as cruel and unusual punishment? I think the Geneva Convention restricts that or something.

He didn't respond, but sped his pace so that following was even more difficult.
Yeah, you dumb shit. Way to guard the prisoner. Walk so far in front that you have no fucking idea where she is.

“C'mon,” Jared ordered angrily from several paces ahead.
I flinched and hurried to follow. I was sorry I'd let my attention wander. I could see how much it irritated him to have to speak to me.
Seriously, this makes me cringe inside. It's like when a guy beats up a girl and she's all, "sorry I made you hit me." IT OFFENDS ALL MY FEMINIST SENSIBILITIES.

“It's not one of us, Jeb. You left this on me–so butt out.”
Actually, Pedobear, I think you made Jeb let you do this.

One of my few entertainments was hearing him eat his treats, because he
always did so ostentatiously, perhaps rubbing it in the way he had with the pillow that first
night.
Once, Jared slowly ripped open a bag of Cheetos–showy about it as usual–and the rich smell of fake powdered cheese rolled through my cave… delicious, irresistible. He ate one slowly, letting me hear each distinct crunch.
My stomach growled loudly, and I laughed at myself.
Pedobear's being a bratty little bitch and she thinks it's funny? I would probably have kicked him in the nuts by now. He's friggin' annoying.

“You see, there's this one… a Seeker, no doubt about that–it packs a Glock.”
Ha, I bet Smeyer feels really cool rattling off the names of guns and shit. I'm betting "shotgun" and "Glock" are the only ones she knows. Granted, I only know about five more (thanks, Deadliest Warrior!) but I'm not as self-consciously showy about it.