The Host Redux Chapters 15 and 16

Okay, so awhile ago my computer completely crashed and I lost a shitload of files and it was all very tragic. So I couldn't keep up with my recaps. I have a very strict policy for keeping up with my recaps, but since this was beyond my control and I definitely don't have the mental fortitude to do twenty recaps or whatever, I'm just going to continue from where I left off.

Chapter 15
Guarded

I was hungry. My stomach knotted and clenched and made angry noises. I doubted these noises
would betray me–I was sure it had gurgled and complained as I slept.

My head ached fiercely. It was impossible to know how much of this was from fatigue and how much was from the knocks I'd taken.

Someone, for the love of God, please teach Smeyer the basic skills of writing. For example, these are not two separate paragraphs. It should be one.

It was dark–I could tell that without opening my eyes. Not pitch-black, but very dark.
Why is this necessary? Does it advance the plot AT ALL to know that it's not quite COMPLETELY dark, but it's still pretty dark? WHY?

Actually, this whole section here could be combined into one paragraph, and yet she uses six.

Way to drag this chapter out like five times longer than it has to be, Smeyer.

She describes the soup with WAY TOO MUCH detail. Is there such thing as a soup fetish? Well, vorarephilia is real, so I wouldn't disbelieve anything. (Look it up. Or don't, if you want to maintain faith in humanity.) I'm not even kidding. There are like three fucking paragraphs describing the soup.

Melanie had burned all the fingerprints off her right hand once in a stupid accident, grabbing a pan she hadn't realized was hot. I remembered how the pain had shocked her–it was so unexpectedly sharp and demanding.
I think I mentioned this in my first recap, but this reminds me of the dumbest home ec. video ever. This irritatingly cheery guy was telling us to make sure we didn't touch any hot pans and then he grabbed the pan from the oven and in a totally unemotional voice, goes, "Ouch. That's hot." I think this is the same video where the woman was like, "Quiche. Pronounced...keesh." Everyone in my seventh grade home ec. class remembers that video.

It came in a rush once more.You're in love with him, too, separately from me. It feels different
from the way I feel. Other. I didn't see that until he was there with us, until you saw him for the first time. How did that happen? How does a three-inch-long worm fall in love with a human being?
Bull. Shit. I call shenanigans on this one. SHE HASN'T EVEN MET THE GUY. All she objectively knows about him is that he hits girls. Yeah, that's sexy.

I'm going to do a quick count of how many times Wanderer cringes in this book. 21 times. Plus other people cringe at least four times. Cringed doesn't even look like a word anymore.

Kyle (Pedobear's brother) and some other guy who I think is a ghost (more on that later) come to kill Wanderer but Pedobear won't let them. Kyle and the ghost go to attack Pedobear and get this...WANDERER FUCKING GOES TO PROTECT HIM.

Chapter 16
Assigned

I looked for only one thing–where Jared was, so that I could put myself between him and his
attackers.
Sentences like this make me (heh) cringe.

Pedobear shoves her again, because he's such a fucking hero.

“Tricky bugger,” Ian finally muttered, eyes wide with horror.
Wrong sci-fi novel. Buggers were in Ender's Game. Masquerading as a better novel won't fool your readers, Smeyer.

“Finish it, Ian!” Kyle yelled.
"FINISH HIM! I know Mortal Kombat!"

So Wanderer gets manhandled and strangled and GEEZ Smeyer, get out your BDSM fetishes SOME OTHER WAY, for the love of God.

If he hadn't used that gun in the past–used it to kill, not just to threaten–no one would have obeyed him this way.
Or, you know, they could be like every single other person in the world and have a healthy respect for firearms.

I stared at him mutely.
No, you dumb shit, you stared at him loudly.

After a few minutes, he started whistling quietly. It was a cheery tune.
Perhaps he was whistling while he worked. But honestly, those two sentences are so saccharine I want to kill something.

Blah blah blah Jeb takes Wanderer on a tour.